Oh man, so here I was watching this 5 film tween vampire franchise when all of a sudden my brain broke and I just couldn’t remember anything, not even my name. Do you remember what happened in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) What is the big dark secret that Edward has to tell Bella secret the night before the wedding?
2) Where do Bella and Jacob go for their honeymoon?
3) What do they tell Bella’s father happened to her?
4) What does Edward ask Jacob to do?
5) What super secret trick does Jacob think of that helps save Bella’s life and bring the first human-vampire hybrid (of the modern era) to term?
Bonus Question: How long does Bella and Edwards marriage last?
1) The big secret is that he rebelled against his creator and decided to go out an hunt. But, twist, he pulled a Dexter and only killed murderers … so that doesn’t seem like that big of a secret. He was still like … a good vampire right?
2) They go to Brazil for their honeymoon, but I swear to god, if you dared to suggest they went to Rio you get zero points! Nil points!! They were just passing through. They actually went to Isle Esme off the coast.
3) They tell her father that she got sick in Brazil (true) and that they had to extend their trip (untrue). In reality she is basically dying from being eaten from the inside by a vampire. Whoops!
4) Edward asks Jacob to convince Bella to abort the vampire-human hybrid fetus because they have such a deep connection (so deep). In exchange, if Bella dies Edward will happily allow Jacob to murder him … because apparently this is Jacob’s super secret desire. To kill Edward? Seems super not-chill, but whatever, BFFs with Bella still, just want to kill her husband, whatever.
5) It turned out that the fetus was just looking to sink its teeth into something, and in reality Bella was able to get stronger and continue with the pregnancy by drinking blood.
Bonus Answer: Trick question. You just saw the end of it you goober! Until death do us part. And guess who just died? Bella did. So indeed, the beautiful, incredibly romantic marriage of Edward and Bella lasted a few weeks before Bella died a tragic death in vampire childbirth. Because of all of the fighting and jazz that happened afterwards, Edward and Bella didn’t even think about how they weren’t legally married anymore until years later when they went to renew their passports. And the lady was like “wait, y’all vampires? And why did you even bother to get a death certificate for someone who is clearly alive? That’s weird.” And it was a huge headache sorting it all out. So, later, Edward ran for a seat in the Washington state legislature to try and address anti-vampire discrimination … he lost in a landslide, he got 1.2% of the vote.
Ahhhh, right, nothing happened. This specific film had nothing happen, and my brain broke while pondering my own mortality and existence. That’s right.