Ohhhhh, boy, so here I was jet setting across Italy with my best bud and his wife, when suddenly the wife drugs me! Really put a damper on the vacation. Or it would have, if I could remember a lick of what happened. Do you remember what happened in The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) At the beginning of the film Ryan Reynolds is relating his terrible recurring nightmare to his therapist. What is his nightmare?
2) During his sabbatical Reynolds goes to relax on a beautiful beach and read The Secret, but then Selma Hayek shows up to spoil things. Why does Selma Hayek insist on Reynolds helping her to help her husband?
3) Frank Grillo is a grizzled veteran of the Boston police department and ropes the three idiots into helping him foil an eeeeevil international crime plot. What does he hold over the three, and Reynolds in particular?
4) While skulking about Italy, Reynolds and Friends need a place to hide out. Where do they go, and why does this end up being a terrible decision?
5) Ultimately what is the eeeeeeevil plan of our eeeeeevil Grecian billionaire played by Antonio Banderas?
Bonus Question: After the events of the film we learn what happened to Frank Grillo upon his triumphant return to Boston. What happened?
Answers
1) Reynolds dreams that he is going to receive the Bodyguard of the Year award, which apparently it is later explained is a real thing in this universe (as improbable as that seems). During his speech though Samuel L. Jackson appears, taunting him, and then re-kills the Japanese guy from the first thing. The end. He just wants to be a bodyguard, man!
2) Selma Hayek thinks that Jackson needs Reynolds to come help him out. It is, amusing, precisely the opposite. Jackson wants her to get anyone BUT Reynolds to come and save him. Whoops! All’s well that ends well I suppose.
3) For Jackson it is obvious, he is a hitman and fugitive from Interpol justice. For Hayek it is a tad bit confusing. You’d think that harboring said fugitive would be enough, but nope, they reveal that she is also a confidence woman or something, it ends of being a huge part of the film. And for Reynolds, well, he’s been secretly bodyguarding without a license. That’s a thing as well apparently, licenses to be AAA bodyguards.
4) They go to Reynolds’ dad’s house, who is played by Morgan Freeman. He’s a hot shot bodyguard and is not very proud of his not-so-hot shot bodyguard son. And it ends up being a terrible idea because improbably Freeman is the bodyguard for the eeeeevil billionaire who they have been enlisted to help capture.
5) The eeeeevil plan from what I can glean is to plant a virus in the underwater hub for all of Europe’s electricity. The virus makes transformer perform like EMPs maybe? In the end it would effectively destroy the entirety of Europe’s electric infrastructure and cripple their economy. All of this is revenge for financial sanctions being placed on Greece, the bad guy does not like that very much.
Bonus Answer: Well he returns to little fanfare, but does get a bump up the chain of command in the BPD. He knocks around Southie for a bit, breaking up gangs, but he never really gets the same rush as he got working with his friends Reynolds and Jackson you know? He decides his best bet is to also go into bodyguarding, moves to London (hates it), and starts pestering Reynolds about joining his bodyguarding outfit. The clients hate him, but he is weirdly good at what he does, so in the end Reynolds relents. On his first official job Grillo completely screws up, gets killed, and destroys Reynolds business in one fail swoop. What a disaster! It almost sounds like the plot of a third Bodyguard film, like Grillo’s daughter has been secretly training under Jackson to ultimately kill Reynolds or something. The Hitman’s Bodyguard’s Hitman would be the title of that one.
The title basically sells that sequel already, patent pending, you can’t steal it because I just published it. You can’t steal it!
Bad Movie Twins 