Nine Months Recap


I remember watching this film as a kid. Appropriate for a nine year old? Let’s put this to the judge. Exhibit A: the film is filled with broad comedy appropriate for an adaptation of a French film. We got Robin Williams with a silly accent. We got Tom Arnold acting out of his mind. Hugh Grant has transformed into Jerry Lewis. Exhibit B: There is really very little risque in the whole enterprise. Pregnancy is treated at a distance that eventually leads to a happy conclusion. Looking good for the defense at the moment. Oh, oh… what’s this in Exhibit C: the only moment of the film I remembered into adulthood is a moment where Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore are about to have sex until she stops the moment because she’s afraid that the baby would be scarred by having to see Hugh Grant’s penis thrust in its face in utero… horrifying on numerous levels, not least of which is that they are playing adult humans who should know better. Case goes to the prosecution. Not appropriate for a young Jamie and Patrick to be saddled with that memory for the rest of their lives.

Alright, let’s recap. Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore are super in love and super into their unmarried life and how great it is. Grant in particular is a child psychologist who seems hung up on all the bad parts of marriage and parenting, so he’s particularly taken aback when Moore announces that she is pregnant. Grant essentially has a slow motion meltdown as they prepare for the arrival of the child. This culminates with him missing an ultrasound and it’s the last straw. With Moore having left him, Grant is distraught. He tries all the classic midlife crisis remedies for heartbreak (hello, Hugh Grant with an earring), but nothing works. He just wants Moore, so he puts on his big boy pants and decides to grow up. He sells his convertible, he buys a ring, and proves to her that he’s in it to win it… and it works! Now everything is great and we are ready for the big climax. This is of course a double birth where both Moore and their friend Gail end up giving birth in the same room while Robin Williams, Tom Arnold, and Hugh Grant trip over each other. Funny in an absurd way, I guess. THE END

This falls into the bucket of films where you kinda just hate everyone. It legit appears that people who are supposed to love each other are frequently total assholes to each other, which is unpleasant. It doesn’t help that Hugh Grant plays, pardon the technical term, a total weenie. Mix in some very, very broad comedy with Tom Arnold (actually OK) and Robin Williams (maybe the worst performance of his career) and you get a bumpy ride. I will say that there was nice chemistry between Grant and Goldblum and I’m a sucker for a heartwarming cheesefest ending, but it’s not enough to save this one.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Alright so the most famous (to me) scene in the entire film is the infamous “we can’t have sex cause the unborn baby might see your penis” scene. I’m saying it right now, Moore knew this was bullshit and just didn’t want to have sex with Hugh Grant. Maybe she got the ick cause of his big, weird 90’s floppy hair he had. No matter the reason she realized in that moment that sex was off the table and made up the lie. How do I know? Cause Grant and Moore both read What to Expect When You’re Expecting during the film and in that book they make it very clear that sex during pregnancy is no prob. How do I know? I read the book. Why? Because we watched the film adaptation of What to Expect When You’re Expecting and I’m an insane person. Case closed. Ice cold take, really. Hot Take Temperature: Lemon Pepper Seasoning.


‘Ello everyone! Nine Months? Felt more like Nine Years, amirite? Because the film is slow and unfunny, get it? Let’s go!

  • The cast of this film is, admittedly, off the chain. Tom Arnold and Joan Cusack in relatively small supporting roles. Jeff Goldblum popping in and out. Robin Williams coming in as a wacky doctor. These were five heavy hitters in comedy at the time.
  • At the same time is it weird to think that Jeff Goldblum and Hugh Grant might have at one point been considered “heavy hitters” in comedy? Just seems that way in my old man brain as it strains to remember watching this as a 10 year old. This film is slow and unfunny, but they assembled a cast as if they were making an actual comedy film with jokes.
  • Robin Williams though is terrible and completely out of place in the film. It is jarring to go from a semi-serious plotline about young adults facing the terrifying prospect of change and growth, to Williams as a wacky Russian stereotype. At the end he’s drunk while actively being a doctor. Hilarious and not at all offensive right?
  • I don’t really know what else to say about the film. It just kind of … is? Is there a plotline? What is it? That Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore are going to have a baby? That’s it? There are obnoxious people played by Tom Arnold and Joan Cusack (but really, don’t they actually have it together? Aren’t Hugh Grant and Jeff Goldblum the weird ones for wanting no strings attached childless relationships?).
  • I do think the film is bad. It is unfunny which is all it needed to be. But also, it has only gotten worse through time. Hugh Grant is an insufferable garbage person. The type of emotionless man who is scared of caring about anything that was the norm in the 90s (and, dare I say it, oft played off as sexy by Kevin Costner in particular). Doesn’t play well in the 2020s. But also that doesn’t matter, because the film is a comedy and it is not funny, which is all it really had to be to be not-bad.
  • I have to leave it there. For no other reason than there isn’t anything else to say.
  • A decent Product Placement (What?) for NERF in particular, even though they pull the punch on having Hugh Grant beat the shit out of Barney, which could have been fun. A definite Setting as a Character (Where?) for San Francisco which is the setting for a ton of Robin Williams films for whatever reason. Definite Secret Holiday Film (When?) for Halloween which features in a bit of one of the nine months the film takes place during. And I think the film is Bad because it is unfunny, has obnoxious characters, and doesn’t have a plot.

Take that Nine Months. Read about the sequel Ten Months in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

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