So get this. I’m a pretty good chariot racing, NBD. And I was expecting to get like second or third in the big chariot race. But then this chariot savant Ben-Hurd (or something) comes in and crashes me the fuck out! Needless to say I was trampled by my horses (again) and now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Ben-Hur (2016)?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Ben-Hur and his bestie Messala are living it up in Rome. Well, that is, until Messala enlists in the Roman army. Why does he enlist?
2) Now Messala’s back, Jack! And he just, you know … needs some info from Ben-Hur for his buddy Pontius Pilate. Do a guy a solid, right, Ben-Hur? What does Messala want to know?
3) Whoops, Ben-Hur kind of maybe almost got the like … president of Jerusalem killed or whatever. You’re a slave now Ben-Hur, you done fucked up! After escaping during a battle though, Morgan Freeman finds him. What convinces Freeman to allow Ben-Hur to stick with his gang of elite chariot racers?
4) And now Ben-Hur is back, Jack! But, huh, rumor is his mother and love might just still be alive. Where are they and in … uh, what condition are they?
5) Time for the chariot race. What is the result?
Bonus Question: In the mid-credits scene a messenger interrupts the Ben-Hur fambly dinner to deliver an urgent message. What is it?
1) Well, you see, Messala is in love with Ben-Hur’s sister. But he’s a Roman so Ben-Hur’s family is like naaaaaaaaaaw. But also Messala is the son of someone who betrayed Rome in some way, so both sides of his heritage hates him. So he needs to go and find glory in battle in order to forge his own path and win the respect of everyone.
2) He wants to know the names of the extremists in Jerusalem. Ben-Hur, these dudes are terrorists and will definitely shoot an arrow at the president of Jerusalem and get your entire family killed. You idiot!
3) Ben-Hur looks at a sick horse and is basically Dr. Doolittle and is like “this horse is sick, I know exactly how he is sick, feed him charcoal and he’ll live.” He’s 100% right! Freeman is impressed and only becomes more impressed when Ben-Hur shows off his elite charioteering. Freeman is like that scout who found Manute Bol (probably). He’s like “this guy is blowing my mind with his natural talent. Where are you from? Jerusalem?! This is fucking incredible.”
4) They are in some prison. Messala just couldn’t have them killed. But, aw, they now have leprosy. And to be cured of that? Well … that would require some sort of miracle …
5) Ben-Hur dunks on Messala and ruthlessly chops off his leg as revenge. “Take that Messala, you worthless piece of trash.” and Messala is all like “No, my brother! Remember meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” Naw, I’m just joking. Ben-Hur and Messala forgive each other and Messala loses his leg accidentally, and then he comes and hangs out with the rich Ben-Hur fambly again.
Bonus Answer: Ooooo it’s from his old friend Sheik Ilderim. And guess what, while Ilderim is busy coaching the Jerusalem Stallions (his chariot racing franchise), he could use a new coach for his minor league franchise. One problem, it’s in the new Roman outpost of Londinium! Initially reluctant, Ben-Hur is convinced by his brother from another mother Messala who could really use the opportunity to get back onto that chariot racing horse (literally). Arriving in Londinium and it is worse than they expected! The Londinium Celtics are made up of a rag tag group of locals who don’t know the first thing about racing. And it shows then their first match against the Gaul Goblins they get literally all killed in an absolute bloodbath of mayhem! Recruiting a new rag tag group of locals, Coach Ben-Hur really whips them into shape in a montage featuring them holding eggs and other stupid shit. There is drama (with Ilderim poaching Messala from his staff to be the new Stallions coach, whaaaaa?!), but in the end it is Ben-Hur against Messala again in the CA Cup (that’s the Chariot Association), and naturally the rag-tag Celtics come out on top. Ilderim reveals that he knew he needed to light a fire under Ben-Hur by turning Messala against him again, and offers him the coaching position with the Stallions. Oh ho! Not so fast, Ben-Hur is sticking with the Celtics who are going to look for promotion next season, maybe they’ll see the Stallions in the big leagues!
It’s called Ben-Hur: Back to the Minors. I can already tell you are confused. You see, the Celtics didn’t get promoted, they dropped too many points early season. But they got to the CA Cup championship which is a tournament involving all of the teams in the Chariot Association. So that’s how the Stallions are in the “major” league (Foedus Unum), and the Celtics are in the “minor” league (Foedus Duo). I obviously thought this through, c’mon.