Oh man, I’m so brooding. I’m a bad boy, but my heart is so full of gold. And I punch things, because I’m so broken. I love Tessa (Tesssssaaaaaa!), she’s trying to fix me, and I love her so much, but I drink to forget how broken I am. But I drank so much I forgot everything! Do you remember what happened in After Ever Happy?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) We open where the last movie left off: Hardin is all mad because his father isn’t his father, and instead Tessa’s boss is her father. He’s so mad he decides to get real drunk and commit a crime. What crime, and who takes the fall?
2) After Tessa and Hardin return to London, Hardin is all like “I’ll see you laters. I’m totally not running away.” But run away he does. To where? And how does Tessa find him?
3) When Tessa goes back to Atlanta she finds her father dead (oh no!). What did he die of?
4) Tessa goes to the doctor to find out about something. What?
5) In the end Tessa moves to New York, Hardin writes the titular After series, and they break up like goobers (classic). But what does Tessa do for work while living in New York?
Bonus Question: Previously on Bad Boys Assemble: Hearts of Gold – Landon Carter from A Walk to Remember, David Elliot from Endless Love, and Kelley Morse from Here on Earth recruit Hardin into the Bad Boy Avengers (called H.O.G. aka Hearts of Gold). Infiltrating a University of Washington fraternity, Hardin frees Luke McNamara (head of H.O.G.) who calls on The Skulls to destroy the eeeeevil frat. In the mid-credits scene Hardin gets the call he’s always feared. Where is Hardin heading now?
1) MURDER. Not really. He “merely” commits arson. Specifically he decides in his drunken rage to burn down his mother’s house. Lucky for him his father-he-never-knew Vance takes the fall. Considering Vance has no motive for this crime it feels like a fabulously weathy person could have merely said he was walking by when he saw the blaze and chased off a vagrant who he, sadly, did not recognize. Feels like that would work.
2) East London bruv. Or at least, a small alley they’ve dressed up to look like East London. Also I’m guessing on East London just because it feels like the creators of this film would DEFINITELY insist that Hardin and his friends lived in East London. Tessa finds him by calling his phone and having one of his friends helpfully give her the address. Easy peasy.
3) Overdose, obviously. How sad. At least he ate some pizza (according to Hardin) before he died.
4) It is a continuation of the literally five second scene from the last film in which it is implied that Tessa might be infertile. Finally! It is resolved. I was on tenterhooks here. She is in fact infertile. She is obviously and understandably distraught about this, but also doesn’t really make it better by flipping out at Hardin who stumbles over his words because he has the emotional maturity of a potato. BTW Tessa … Hardin is comically wealthy. Just keep surrogates in mind. This doesn’t actually mean a death knell for you and Hardin having biological children. Just a thought.
5) She’s a waitress (classic) while going to NYU (classic). That’s a pretty expensive school, Tessa. You get loans for that? Then again, since you are a shoe in for a high level job at Vance Publishing after you graduate it is probably a safe bet. But then again, you don’t really need a degree at all with that attitude! Just go to the University of Vance Publishing.
Bonus Answer: To the O.C. bitch! Ryan Atwood of the Outsider Crew (O.C.), a division of H.O.G. that recruits elite punching bad boys who are outsiders in their community, needs a little help. His antagonist, Luke Shaw, formerly of B.R.O. (Bros Ruining Outsiders), has gone rogue and formed a splinter group of television antagonists called the Bros in Totally Cool Hats (B.I.T.C.H.). “Those hats are pretty cool,” Hardin whispers. Ryan needs help from the main film contingent of H.O.G. to infiltrate the group, since all of Ryan’s television agents are known to Luke. Hardin enters Luke’s secret lair and walks right into the conference room. “Who are you?” Luke says incredulously. “I’m Hardin, I live in Atlanta, a very cheap television filming location, and I hate outsiders who come to my community and don’t know the social structure. The structure where I’m on top, and I punch people with little-to-no repercussions”. Luke gets up slowly and punches Hardin in the face. Oh no, has Hardin been burned? “Welcome to B.I.T.C.H., bitch!” Phew, he’s in, Luke tosses him a totally cool hat which he puts on and admires in a mirror. It is totally cool. Now that they have the numbers, Luke explains, they can enact their secret plan: to punch all outsiders so hard with their fists that they never come back. “Brilliant,” Hardin whispers to himself. Too bad he’ll never see it through now that Hardin knows all about it. “And as for the second part of the plan.” What?! Hardin’s eyes widen. “I know that all television antagonists have a secret Heart Of Gold that can be unlocked by reconciling with their estranged fathers. That’s what the totally cool hats are for. It’ll turn your Hearts of Gold into Hearts of Ice and unlock your Fists of Steel for punching the hardest.” What thuuuuuuuuuuuu. Luke flips the switch and turns on the hats. Smash cut to O.C.H.Q. when Hardin walks in. “Oh good, you’re here Hardin. Nice hat. What’s Luke’s plan then?” says Ryan. Hardin punches him in the face, instantly shattering Ryan’s Heart of Gold. “Farewell to the O.C., B.I.T.C.H.” Fade to black.
Whoa, pretty intense. It’s like the Empire Strikes Back of the Bad Boy Assemble series. It’s called Bad Boys Assemble: Fists of Steel.