Oh man, so get this. I’m a 70 year old man, but I have the bod of a 70 year old action star. NBD. But you see, they asked me to run about five feet and I blew out my knee (the usual), stumbled, hit my head, and now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Blacklight?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) We meet Ancient Methuselah Action Star Liam Neeson as he gets ready for yet another job (“I’m getting too old for this shit” he mutters inaudibly I assume). What is his job?
2) Huh, but … like, how does one get into that kind of business? Probably not something extremely ethically questionable, right?
3) Well, good thing Liam Neeson is a totally normal person otherwise, right? … Right? Oh wait, nope, he has a bit of a quirk. What is it?
4) Meanwhile, the actual plot of the film! Turns out there’s a turn coat in Liam’s three letter organization. What does he know that the government doesn’t want everyone else to know?
5) A big part of the film was the disappearance of Liam Neeson’s family including his precocious granddaughter. Where did they go?
Bonus Question: Flashforward, and Liam Neeson is relaxing at home when he hears a knock at the door. There is a young woman there, who is she?
Answers
1) He is basically an off-the-books cleaner for the FBI. When undercover agents get themselves into trouble somewhere he flies out and extracts them before they can get themselves into worse predicaments. It all seems rather sweet in its own bizarre way.
2) Yeah well … during Vietnam Liam maybe sorta killed his commanding officer accidentally as he was attempting to rape a woman (whoops I guess?). Liam’s friend is like “you shut your mouth, we good, I’ll take care of this” and he does. Fast forward and that friend is not the head of the FBI (or something) and speed dials Liam whenever he wants a favor (but definitely not in a blackmaily sort of way).
3) He has OCD. Which is fine, but it does seem to get in the way with stuff. And it makes him an insane person about conspiracies.
4) Turns out Liam’s friend has been killing civilians who want to change America for the worse (in his opinion). The turncoat was in love with his target though, and so he ended up being distraught when she is killed. That woman is also definitely just suppose to be AOC which is definitely not very bizarre.
5) Witness protection, natch. I don’t know. If I’m Neeson’s friend and he just sent me to federal prison for 20 years I’m not sure I actually tell him where his family is. I might feel a bit resentful, and evidently in this scenario I’m a giant piece of shit. Then again, the alternative might be that Neeson shoots me in the face, so I don’t know.
Bonus Answer: What’s this, it is actually 2040, Liam Neeson is now 90 years old, and that’s his granddaughter! That’s right, we’re revisiting Blacklight after 20 years! Turns out that she’s an FBI agent, and she stumbled on an old case of his. He saved an undercover younger man, who, it seems, was paid to shut up about what actually happened long ago. Now he’s an old man (like Liam Neeson used to be) and on the run. Liam, now in a wheelchair, wheels his way around with his granddaughter in tow. They uncover a hairraising conspiracy involving the assassination of world leaders. Liam Neeson gets quiet. “What is it grandpa?” she asks. “I never told you this but … do you want to know who assassinated Kennedy?” “Huh? But weren’t you like … young in Vietnam? That was after he was killed.” “That’s right, I was 15 and already on a fast track to being an elite assassin.” “This makes no sense.” “Shut up, let’s find my great-granddaughter.” “What? Wait, what happened to my daughter?” In the end they find the agent, who, it turns out, was actually a double agent sent to assassinate Liam Neeson! “This is for killing Fidel Castro in ‘72!” He screams. “Wait … what?” Liam’s daughter asks, puzzled. “Yup, did him too, he’s been a clone ever since.” Bang, Liam shoots him in the face and then flies a kite with his great-granddaughter. The end.
It’s called Blacklight 2: Ultraviolet. I can’t tell if I’m just really tired or actually going insane.
Bad Movie Twins 