Oh man, get this. Now I’m back in 2022 and guess what? I did it again. I took some experimental CIA drugs, clawed my eyes out, and forgot everything. Fool me once and all that. Anyways, do you remember what happened in Firestarter (2022)?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) We don’t start in media res here, we instead start from the beginning. Charlie is a little girl with enormous power. What event causes her to “explode” and makes her family get caught?
2) There are four people in the film with powers, who and what are their powers?
3) After escaping Charlie and her father are picked up by a farmer. What is his deep dark secret?
4) But uh oh, the po-po and John Rainbird are back Jack and capture Charlie’s father. Charlie escapes though, where does she go and what does she do?
5) In the end what happens to Charlie?
Bonus Question: We also got a television spin-off for this version of Firestarter. What happens to Charlie this time?
1) She gets hit in the head with a dodgeball in the gym. And boy does that make her sad/angry … sangry. And she runs to the bathroom and blows it all up! The teacher thinks she’s a terrorist, but little does she know that she has superpowers and that the government is using heat sensing satellites to find the firestarter. And find her they now have!
2) Charlie’s mother in this one has pretty basic telekinetic powers, she can move things around. Charlie’s father can “push” which is basically like moving people’s brains around so they don’t want to smoke, or they want to give them a ride and stuff. John Rainbird get’s Charlie’s mother’s power from the original movie which was basically just telepathy, he can read people’s minds. Charlie is obviously the titular firestarter, she can create fires with her mind, but also you learn through the film that she’s actually Mistborn, she has all of the powers.
3) Years ago while arguing with his wife he got distracted and got into a car accident. That accident killed his child and left his wife a vegetable which he now takes care of. Little does he know that she forgives him, an insight Charlie gives him.
4) She goes into the woods to like … fuck around. But she kind of learns how to make a fire more specifically, and also she then hears her “father” (actually John Rainbird) calling to her in her mind to get her to come to The Shop.
5) She burns everything to the ground, but right at that last moment John Rainbird comes and gets her and takes her off to her superpowered life … or whatever. I hate this movie it is so dumb.
Bonus Answer: Basically, just like how this movie had to be way worse than the original, so was this remake television series. In this one Rainbird ends up collecting a team of super powered teens. They all have deep dark mysteries, and Charlie is like “maybe I can figure out what this power is inside of me and what it means.” But obviously instead the television show becomes a police procedural immediately. They solve crime and learn to use their powers and become a family and learn all about how they shouldn’t use drugs and junk. Tons of very special episodes. After 9 seasons they half-heartedly remember that Charlie has a mystery she’s supposed to solve, so they reveal that actually John Rainbird is her father (awwwwww) and everyone forgets that no, she had a father in the movie! This makes no sense! But that’s CBS police procedurals for you.
It’s called Firestarter PD and yeah, they have three spinoffs. The best one is Firestarter PD: Seattle because the firestarters always struggle with the rain.