“Gosh damn, she’s fast,” Jamie says, resting his hands on his knees while he huffs and puffs, trying to catch his breath. Every time he catches a glimmer of her she’s off again in a blur like some Glimmer Man. Patrick and Kyle catch up to him, also breathing hard. “Gosh damn, she’s fast,” they both say simultaneously. They immediately launch into a detailed explanation of Lesson #5, but about halfway through they can see Jamie’s eye’s have glazed over like the eyes of a doll designed to look like it’s not listening. Patrick grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him hard. “Oh sorry,” Jamie says, “I wasn’t listening.” Suddenly he gasps, realizing in that moment everything that Jamie and Kyle had been going on about. Samantha had been trying to tell him something important this whole time but he wasn’t listening. The reason why their love is beautiful, but is perhaps doomed. A beautiful doomed love that is unique like a beautiful doomed snowflake. “You have to listen to her. But first you have to find her,” Patrick says and implores Jamie to think hard about where she might be. It’s hard though because Jamie probably wasn’t listening when she told him. “She did tell me a couple times that the Wall of Lovers made her sad because… I don’t know, but it was important I think,” he suggests. “I know a shortcut,” Patrick says and they are off like a shot. As they come out of the forest they see Sam heading for the Wall. Suddenly she stops running and drops to the ground in pain and grief. “What happened?” Jamie asks her when he is able to reach her side, concern etched on his face. “Was it a scorpion? Did you get stung by some scorpion?” That’s right! We are (finally) watching Red Scorpion starring Dolph Lundgren. Controversial in a different way (it violated anti-apartheid laws in its filming), we can’t seem to stop touching the third rail in our film choices. As for the friend, it’s time. Time to watch what Elliott Kalan of The Flop House claims is the worst film of all time. Slow Bullet. Let’s go!
Red Scorpion (1988) – BMeTric: 44.4; Notability: 27
StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.4%; Notability: top 15.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 8.0%; Higher BMeT: Mac and Me, Caddyshack II, Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Poltergeist III, Friday the 13th: The New Blood, Johnny Be Good, Alien from L.A., Arthur 2: On the Rocks, My Stepmother Is an Alien, Big Top Pee-wee, Cocoon: The Return; Higher Notability: Big Top Pee-wee, Sunset, Action Jackson, Cocoon: The Return, High Spirits, Caddyshack II, My Stepmother Is an Alien, Moving, The Couch Trip, Vibes, License to Drive, Cocktail, Arthur 2: On the Rocks, Hot to Trot, The Seventh Sign, Mac and Me, Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Fright Night Part 2, Bad Dreams, For Keeps?, and 19 more; Lower RT: Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Return of the Killer Tomatoes!, Johnny Be Good, Two Moon Junction, Watchers, Hero and the Terror, Hot to Trot, Fresh Horses, Illegally Yours, Caddyshack II, Return of the Living Dead II, Mac and Me, Cocktail, Dead Heat, Arthur 2: On the Rocks, Vibes, The Prince of Pennsylvania, Poltergeist III, The Seventh Sign, 976-EVIL; Notes: It is quite something that this played 34 times on television in the 90s. The sequel played 12 times (and has the confusing description of “a neo-Nazi businessman and his bald henchman” … what?), and our friend, Slow Bullet … well needless to say that never appeared on television … ever. We have seen 7 of the top ten BMeT films, with Johnny Be Good probably being the best next option.
New York Times – Chest Muscles in the Desert – Dolph Lundgren’s pectorals are the real stars of ”Red Scorpion,” an action-adventure movie set in the fictional African country of Mombaka. Filmed from below so that one has the sense of peering up at a massive kinetic sculpture, his glistening torso, which over the course of the film is subjected to assorted tortures, is the movie’s primary visual focus whenever the action slows down.
(The vast vast vast majority of this review was about Lundgren’s chest muscles and complete lack of dialogue. They aren’t wrong though.)
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFIAA9rSZpI/
(How is this not a straight to video film? It is insane that they actually tried to release this. Actually, strike that, read up on the production on this film and you’ll realize there was no way they weren’t going to release this film.)
Directors – Joseph Zito – ( Known For: The Prowler; Power Play; Bloodrage; Abduction; Future BMT: Missing in Action; Invasion U.S.A.; BMT: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter; Red Scorpion; Notes: Wait … this guy also directed a Friday the 13th. We are on a role with that.)
Writers – Robert Abramoff and Jack Abramoff – ( Notes: I don’t really know where the info on these guys come from. Robert seems to be an actual producer, but never wrote anything but this.)
Arne Olsen – ( Known For: Distorted; Repeaters; Red Scorpion 2; Black Ice; Future BMT: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers; Cop & ½; All Dogs Go to Heaven 2; BMT: Red Scorpion; Notes: Man we’ll have to do those kids films at some point. We watched Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in theaters.)
Joseph Zito – ( Notes: Was apparently originally interested in producing the classic never-made film Doctor Strange in the 80s.)
Actors – Dolph Lundgren – ( Known For: Aquaman; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Creed II; Hail, Caesar!; Minions: The Rise of Gru; Universal Soldier: Regeneration; The Punisher; Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning; Showdown in Little Tokyo; Sly; Skin Trade; Small Apartments; Black Water; Joshua Tree; Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films; In the Name of the King: Two Worlds; Don’t Kill It; One in the Chamber; Men of War; Future BMT: Rocky IV; A View to a Kill; Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom; Dark Angel; BMT: The Expendables 3; Universal Soldier; Johnny Mnemonic; The Expendables 4; Masters of the Universe; Red Scorpion; Notes: What the what? But … Rocky IV doesn’t qualify. <Checks notes> They removed a good review?! HOW FUCKING DARE THEY. Seems like we got a new bonus film coming up. Oh yeah, Lundgren was a Chemical Engineer and kickboxing champion and then he turned to acting. He can barely speak English in this film.)
M. Emmet Walsh – ( Known For: Blade Runner; Knives Out; Romeo + Juliet; The Iron Giant; A Time to Kill; My Best Friend’s Wedding; Raising Arizona; Serpico; Midnight Cowboy; Blood Simple; Youth in Revolt; The Jerk; Calvary; Fletch; Ordinary People; Big Stan; Slap Shot; Escape from the Planet of the Apes; Critters; Harry and the Hendersons; Future BMT: The Odd Life of Timothy Green; Snow Dogs; Racing Stripes; Missing in Action; Wildcats; Camp Nowhere; The Best of Times; Cops and Robbersons; Sunset; Panther; BMT: Wild Wild West; Christmas with the Kranks; Random Hearts; Red Scorpion; Chairman of the Board; Notes: Aw hell yeah. We are going to smash Camp Nowhere someday, I promise you that.)
Al White – ( Known For: Back to the Future Part II; Airplane!; Airplane II: The Sequel; Leprechaun 2; Black Moon Rising; Big Trouble; Liberty & Bash; Future BMT: Russkies; BMT: Red Scorpion; Notes: Apparently something of a poet. He was the father who tries to shoot Marty McFly in Back to the Future II.)
Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $4,192,440 (Worldwide: $4,192,440)
(Unclear, but that is probably fine. I doubt this cost a million to make at the time. But also why was this even really released to theaters?)
Rotten Tomatoes – 17% (2/12)
(I mean … the consensus is the same as the New York Times review: this film is really just about Lundgren’s big ol muscles.)
New York Times Description: Or, chest muscles in the African desert. Churning comic adventure.
Poster – CBS’s Scorpion
(I honestly can’t tell if this is amazing or an incomprehensible mess… maybe both. What is happening in this poster. It looks like I made it. Incomplete.)
Tagline(s) – They think they control him. Think again… (C)
(I have to ding this for lack of originality despite having some flow. It could be used for any number of films… it could have been the tagline for Spawn. You know? In traditional tagline scoring that’s a problem. Needs to connect to the film at hand.)
Keyword(s) – 1983-1991
Top 10: The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Back to the Future (1985), Goodfellas (1990), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983), Die Hard (1988), The Terminator (1984), Scarface (1983), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Future BMT: 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.5 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 67.9 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 61.1 Staying Alive (1983), 59.1 Suburban Commando (1991), 57.7 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.6 Ghost Dad (1990), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 55.1 Who’s That Girl (1987), 54.8 Curse of the Pink Panther (1983), 53.5 Graffiti Bridge (1990), 52.5 Johnny Be Good (1988), 52.5 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 52.4 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.2 Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise (1987), 51.8 Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), 49.3 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 48.7 Hercules (1983), 48.6 Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990), 48.6 My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988)
BMT: Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Troll 2 (1990), Jaws 3-D (1983), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Going Overboard (1989), Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989), Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989), Mac and Me (1988), Caddyshack II (1988), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Howard the Duck (1986), Supergirl (1984), Cool as Ice (1991), Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985), The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987), Leonard Part 6 (1987), Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989), Superman III (1983), Poltergeist III (1988), A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989), Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987), Wild Orchid (1989), …
Best Options (Action): 67.9 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 59.1 Suburban Commando (1991), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 49.3 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 48.6 Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990), 45.4 DeepStar Six (1989), 44.8 American Ninja (1985), 44.7 Missing in Action (1984), 44.4 Red Scorpion (1989), …
(This is probably the best option. It seems like really there were just smaller bad ones left, the others (like Smokey and the Bandit) are really comedies or like sports movies.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 11) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Dolph Lundgren is No. 1 billed in Red Scorpion and No. 4 billed in The Expendables 4, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 11. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Notes – The filmmakers used a real bushmen tribe and Regopstaan was their 95-year-old leader who only agreed to be in the movie if his tribe could follow him everywhere.
Dolph Lundgren performed some of the most dangerous stunts in his career, notably jumping from a moving motorcycle to a truck.
Original script had different opening scene than the film. It included Nikolai on a Spetznaz training exercise in snowy Moscow and it was supposed to be really big action sequence, but it was cut out of the script because of the budget and schedule reasons.
At one point, the cast and crew was left stuck in Johannesburg for three months while they waited for a new location to be found after they had prepped the production to be shot in Swaziland. The film was ultimately filmed in Namibia, which was then ruled by South Africa, thereby breaking an international boycott against the country for its practice of apartheid. Warner Bros., who had a negative pick up deal, pulled out from distribution.
Allegedly financed by the South African Defence Force through the International Freedom Foundation, a right-wing political think-tank which it funded. Red Scorpion (1988) co-writer/producer Jack Abramoff helped to run the foundation.
Bad Movie Twins 