‘Ello everyone! London Has Fallen? More like Mundane and Rotten! Man, I’m all about the half-rhymes recently. Looking back at some old examples we are a far cry from the peak of this mini-game … Paul Fart Mall Crap, that is the best I’m ever going to do. Anyways, what do you get when you cross Michael Bay with the grossest parts of the torture debate surrounding the show 24? This movie. Mike Bannon is a sociopath, y’heard?
Before getting into let’s say a few words about the original Olympus Has Fallen. It doesn’t qualify at the moment (48% on rotten tomatoes), but I rewatched it as prep and … it is the most violent action film I’ve ever seen I think. Really rather gross. Mike Bannon is a sociopathic Jack Bauer wannabe who just tortures everyone (and it totally works, natch, just horseshit). The CGI is middling to bad. And the president might be one of the dumbest fictional presidents in history. I could go on for days at how inadequate this movie is, but that isn’t really here nor there. I just needed to set the stage a bit before we got into it … let’s get into it.
- The Good – I mean, action. If you like explosions, and dirtbikes, and guns, and helicopter crashes, and headshots from Gerard Butler from 40 feet away on the run, and explosions, and your brain slowly dying as doctors look on perplexed, then this is the movie for you!
- The Bad – The CGI is terrible. Eckhart is still the dumbest fictional president in the universe. Bannon is still a sociopath. Morgan Freeman is still the only good thing about this movie. The use of London is nothing more than an excuse to blow up well know (but not American) landmarks. The movie is indeed racist, but not in the way I expected. I mean, yeah, the basic Muslim enemy is over the top, but what really shines is the Italian Prime Minister with his mistress at Westminster and the French President intentionally being late (and the terrorists building that into their plans!). I’m sure there were a few more with the Canadian, German, and Japanese heads of state all getting some airtime, but those two were just mind blowing. Almost as good as the jabs they took at Russia early on! I’ll leave it there.
- The BMT – Hell yes. This movie is so turn-your-brain-off dumb that you could pretty easily psych yourself into watching it edited for cable any day. I want to see Bannon become instant besties with the SAS lieutenant every day! You see, I would include the man’s name, but on IMDb he’s literally called “SAS Lieutenant”!!! This movie can be fun … you just have to be all about torture like early 2000’s Jack Bauer. Then you are golden. Easily a 40 BMeTric though. Easily. Officially amped for the trilogy.
I’ll actually leave it there. The BMT-view with Olympus Has Fallen will be my game this week.
Seriously, I can now understand why Eckhart isn’t coming back for the third film. He seems to get stupider and stupider each time around. But let’s get to the root of this thing with the 6W’s.
What?! Mike Bannon, our hero from Olympus Has Fallen, is back on the beat as the President’s number one serial killer. When many of the world’s leaders are lured into a deadly trap in London, he’s the only one who stands in the way of their ultimate goal of killing the President of the United States. London Has Fallen!
Why?! Presumably you are asking, “But, why? Why do the terrorists want to do this to us? Is it our freedom?” Good question. The answer is the same answer to why Mike Bannon does anything in the film: vengeance. The UK government/world coalition took out the main bad guy’s family during a wedding ceremony and he now wants to kill the President on national television to prove a… what’s that? Did I say ‘wedding ceremony’? Uh… yes. The government killed his family while they were celebrating a wedding with several hundred innocent civilians. But don’t worry. Morgan Freeman totally said they had no idea it was a wedding… although the agent who ordered the bombing was disguised as a caterer for the wedding, so…. Just gotta take his word for it. Besides, in the grand scheme of the ethical questions that arise in these films this is small potatoes. Our hero is a sociopath.
How?! For the most part the audience is left in the dark on this one. Just have to trust that it’s the biggest conspiracy ever, involving hundreds of people infiltrating all levels of the UK government and entirely taking over one of the biggest cities in the world. By the end they throw you a little bone and reveal that a dude high up in MI6 was in on the plan. Still, Olympus Has Fallen is already hard to believe and this is 10x bigger and more complicated.
Who?! Gotta give a shoutout to Bryan Larkin, a Scottish actor who plays the head of an SAS elite squad that helps Bannon in the end. Besides looking and sounding like a buff Alan Cumming to the point where both Patrick and I thought to ourselves, “Gee, Alan Cumming is really taking some weird roles,” he also immediately becomes Bannon’s best friend. After knowing each other for about four minutes they are already exchanging one-liners at the end of the film. He hits a 5 on the Planchet scale.
Where?! Easy A+ for this one. Obviously takes place in London. It’s in the title! The only thing to add is that there are at least three scenes that take place in the country of Yemen. If we ever did a worldwide mapl.de.map this is good for that. We can’t use Salmon Fishing in the Yemen. It was too well reviewed.
When?! We actually don’t know. Patrick swears that it has to be when it’s cold cause the President is running in tights at the beginning of the film. But perhaps more experienced DC residents can watch the film and shed some light on the subject. Overall they did a good job of totally obscuring any and all indication of what month or day this took place. F.