Oh boy. So hear me out. I was battling Red Sonja in order to win her heart (you see, any woman I bed must defeat me in battle first … you know what the explanation is boring, nevermind), when she bopped me on the head and now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Red Sonja?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) After her entire family is murdered Red Sonja is left for dead. A god appears before her and grants her super powers. What powers?
2) Years later a group of faithful women congregated for a ceremony around the mystical Talisman. What is the intention of that ceremony?
3) The ceremony is rudely interrupted by Queen Gedren who steals the talisman. Escaping the massacre is Varna, who enlists Kalidor to find Sonja for her. How is she related to Sonja?
4) Sonja decides she must confront Queen Gedren and destroy the Talisman before it destroys the world. While on this journey she stumbles onto Falkon and Prince Tarn. Why was Prince Tarn’s city destroyed?
5) In the end Sonja defeats Gendren and destroys the Talisman leaving the evil queen’s castle in ruins. How does Gendren die?
Answers
1) She has increased strength (especially in her sword arm) and stamina, enough so that she is able to stand toe to toe with even the strongest swordfighters in the world, like Kalidor!
2) The intention was to destroy the Talisman. You see, the Talisman was the thing left over when the gods created the world. But over time it has increased in strength. The clerics who guard the Talisman have been tasked with destroying it when it becomes so powerful that it threatens to undo the world entirely.
3) She is Varna’s sister. So I guess like … she had already become a cleric when Sonja’s family was murdered. I suppose that makes sense.
4) The city was destroyed because he refused to bend the knee to the rampaging Queen Gedren. She was none too pleased about that and used the Talisman to level the city.
5) Sonja runs her through with her sword and then she falls into molten lava below. So … I think it is safe to assume she is well and truly dead.
Ahhhh, right. We went and destroyed The Talisman and the witch who possessed it. And then once again, Red Sonja and I fought as part of my bizarre mating ritual. Just as the old crone foretold all those years ago!
Bad Movie Twins 