The Unholy Quiz

So I was hanging around this dumb field in western Massachusetts when I found this creepy doll. I, of course, obliterated it for fun, and now I’m seeing this creepy lady around. That’s the last thing I remember, I’m losing time, I think I have brain damage. Do you remember what happened in The Unholy?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) We meet unscrupulous reporter Gerry Feen (Jeffery Dean Morgan) as he heads out to Western Mass (presumably) … for what reason?

2) Obviously that’s a bust, but he discovers something there. What does he discover, what does he think it is, and what terrible mistake does he make?

3) What did Gerry Fenn do in his past that made his persona non grata at the Boston Examiner, and now with his big scoop what position does he want from them?

4) Oh yeah, there is a religious story going on here. Miracles are a happenin’ and people think they are from the Virgin Mary. Name the three miracles witnessed by the townspeople.

5) How does Father Hagan figure out who Mary really is, and who is Mary really?

Bonus Question: At the end of the film Gerry Fenn is out of journalism for good, but what does he end up doing afterwards?

Answers

1) He is heading out to check out some cattle mutilations for a clickbait website that peddles in the occult. In reality what he finds is a farmer who thinks the Metallica symbol his son painted onto his cow is some form of demonic affliction.

2) Well he seems to hear some voices which leads him to a lone tree in the field. There, under the tree, he finds a doll (a Kern Baby) bound with chains. Thinking it’ll be a decent scoop if he shows the doll broken and claims a resulting curse, he intentionally smashes the doll’s head. Uh-oh … that probably is important and something he shouldn’t have done, right?

3) He fakes a bunch of stories obviously. For money and power and fame. We have a real deal shattered glass situation all up in here. So obviously no one is going to believe him when he talks about bonafide miracles … that’s until they see the videos. After that he demands to become the head of the Features team at the Boston Examiner which they are totally willing to give him for those mad stacks of cash he’s going to bring in.

4) First, Alice, the niece of Father Hagan, who was born deaf, regains her hearing miraculously. And then later, to prove it all the more, a crippled boy is able to walk again (it’s a classic for a reason!). And finally, Father Hagan, who has terminal emphysema, is completely cured. I don’t think there are any others, unless you count all of the eeeeeeeevil “miracles” at the end which are intended to be spooky and scary.

5) Hagan is smoking (with his brand new lungs) one night when a trail of smoke points to a little hole in the church wall. Inside the hole is a book detailing the eeeeevil witch Mary who did just this (pretend to be the Virgin Mary to steal souls) way back when and was killed and her soul trapped in the Kern Baby forever more. And, surprise, it turns out Alice is her only descendant and the only person who can help bring Mary back to life!

Bonus Answer: Gerry ends up as a teacher in Banfield naturally. And he ends up marrying Natalie Gates naturally. And they end up taking care of Alice, who ends up going to UMass Amherst (under a different name obviously). Their lives are swell … that is until Gerry discovers a yearbook in the basement of the high school which contains disturbing pictures and writings detailing satanic rituals from the Banfield of the 80s! Investigating (as he is wont to do) the townspeople seem hostile and seem to be hiding something. As he gets closer he starts finding himself transported to 80s Banfield in his dreams, and chased by the mysterious figure. In the end he faces down his enemy, the principal of his school who was a student at Banfield at the time, and obsessed with the occult and revenge. Terrorizing his neighbors, he had been manipulating them in their dreams for decades, controlling the town via fear! Only Gerry and Natalie can stop him before it is too late! The Unholy Chronicles: Nightmares.

Wow, it seemed okay when I started that, but by the end I was getting some serious whiff of Halloween III: Season of the Witch. I am kind of enamored with the idea of Gerry Fenn, occult investigative reporter though.

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