There was a brief moment in time where we made a very big deal about the fact that no BMT film was set in the state of Delaware. Already a dubious state, this made it all the more dubious. Could a state be real if they don’t even care to set a terrible wide release horror or action film there? We said no. Eventually we collapsed under the weight of our own joke and lowered ourselves to watching Survival of the Dead, the sixth entry in the Night of the Living Dead series, in order to tally Delaware. It was released to 20 theaters and it’s one of our greatest shames. What does this have to do with Original Sin? Well, Jolie’s character came to Cuba from Delaware (allegedly). It’s probably why Banderas was like “Hoochie mama, how did such a hot dame come from Delaware?!” So we contemplated watching it as the Delaware film. Good thing we didn’t. Not a glimpse of that “state” to be seen.
Let’s recap this GD thang. Banderas is a workaholic coffee plantation owner. He decides to get a mail order bride so that he can get married without it getting in the way of his work. That’s why he got the Delaware Special. Just a Plain Jane gal from Dover that won’t distract him. Unfortunately out walks Angelina Jolie and… let’s just say he’s a little distracted. They are super into each other for realz and we get some steamy scenes that required me to clean my glasses (for science). Soon Jolie’s sister is writing her and a detective shows up asking to see Jolie. By the time the sister shows up to inform Banderas that Jolie is an imposter who killed his real bride, she’s already long gone with his fortune. Fortunately an extremely creepy and grimy detective is hanging around willing to help him out. How nice and not suspicious! When they track Jolie down, Banderas is basically like “sooooo, we can still bone, right?” and she’s like “yeah, NBD.” So now he goes on the run with Jolie like an absolute crazy person. They live a nice life on the lam only to have it upended when the detective comes a-knocking and Banderas “kills” him. Unfortunately for Banderas this all turns out to be an elaborate ruse. The detective and Jolie are actually working together (what a twist!) and this is just the next step in the plan. Convince Banderas that he’s a murderer, get him into financial straits, get him to sell off his company to give more money to Jolie, and then kill him. But Banderas finds out and, willing to die for his mad love (starring Drew Barrymore), knowingly accepts a poisoned drink from Jolie. But she has a change of heart and they together dispatch the fake detective and live out their crazy life like the couple of crazy kids they are. THE END.
I’m not sure I totally minded this film. Banderas is an absolute imbecile with a screw loose, but in kind of a funny way. Like you can’t believe all the terrible decisions he’s making at every step of the film. I think I actually liked Jolie and I really liked Thomas Jane who seems to be having a ball. The real issue is that it is pretty boring at times, lacking a bit of coherent forward motion, and some of the situations get unnecessarily and unpleasantly grim. That makes it a little hard to recommend cause it lacks a little of the “fun” needed to call it “steamy fun.” As for Swept Away, woof. Maybe that’s why I didn’t mind Original Sin. I had to endure Swept Away. You don’t get to say this often, but Swept Away might actually be the worst movie of all time. There is basically nothing redeeming about it. It is unwatchable. I shudder even remembering the experience of watching it. I can’t believe how much Patrick and I discussed it considering it wasn’t even the main film of the week, but we couldn’t stop marveling at how horrible it was.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Jolie and Jane are bad at their jobs and the plan only works because Banderas is the dumbest human being alive. Almost from the jump everything about Jolie is suspect. Banderas’ response? “Look at those knockers! Better sign all my personal and business accounts over to her.” Then even when she steals everything from him and runs away, what happens when he finds her? “Look at those knockers! Better run off and ruin my life for her.” Literally at any point Banderas could have been like “You know what, fool me once.” But he gets fooled like a thousand times. And then even after he wins, he ends up setting up a poker ruse with Jolie that is bar none the worst attempt at cheating in history. He’ll be dead in a month cause he’s a real dumbo who’s hitched his wagon to a bad con artist. Hot Take Temperature: Sweet BBQ. Patrick?
Original Sin? More like Not So Original Sin, amirite? Well, I was promised bodice-ripping excitement by Roger Ebert. But I can’t recall there necessarily being a bodice ripped in this film. I’m mostly positive there was nary a bodice in sight! Anyways, let’s get into it!
- These past few weeks I feel like a few things have happened. I’ve discovered that foreign films tend to be a bit more sexy and plodding than American films (at least the non-comedies). And that translating these films directly into American films often leave the actors they get to play the parts a bit lost at sea (especially the comedies). Original Sin I guess it helped by being a book. But ultimately I fear it was hurt by being based on, maybe, not a very good book.
- I wouldn’t know I didn’t read the book. Nor did I watch the Truffant film it is based on, although it is on the list of films I’ll want to check out in the future.
- But ultimately the film’s plot line seemed depressing, decidedly unsexy in most regards (unless you live in Cuba in the 1890s maybe?), and didn’t really lead anywhere.
- I don’t think I liked this film. But I also couldn’t really put my finger on why. Maybe because Banderas seems like an idiot who is duped by an obvious conwoman and her partner in crime at every turn. Maybe because I don’t like watching someone’s life fall apart for two hours. Or maybe I was ready for dangerous sexiness and then was treated to not very much bodice ripping and undangerous sex scenes. I don’t know. But I feel like I would not recommend this film to anyone.
- The worst part of the film: the extremely obvious poker cheating. Come on guys. Put some effort into it! You can’t just have Angelina Jolie cross her throat to be like “that guy has a bad hand” and ogle the cards over everyone’s shoulder. It is ludicrous. My hot take? Banderas deserved it. Not because cheating is bad. But because bad cheating is especially bad.
- A good Setting as a Character (Where?) for Cuba in the end. And I’ll just throw out a Rare Temporal Setting (When?) for late 19th century, I think people get so caught up in doing 20th century stuff they forget the Gilded Age. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the inevitable reveal that Jolie did it again and seduced the priest into taking her place in prison. I think this is a Bad film, and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.
- As the friend cycle we decided to go with maybe the most notable European remake which is also considered one of the worst movies ever made. Swept Away, ever heard of it? This Madonna vehicle is, how do you say? An abomination. Boom, DOG POO IN MY FACE babyyyyyyyyy. This is actually the worst film ever made. It is shocking to say, but it is actually the worst film ever made. I don’t know how they decided on: horrible person Madonna treats poor fisherman like shit, fisherman in exchange explicitly makes her his slave on deserted island thus revealing that he too is a piece of shit, they fall in love and decide to be pieces of shit together, but instead Madonna goes back to her oppressing life with her insufferable husband leaving fisherman to be a sad piece of shit alone. Oh and there is like some underlying capitalistic stuff going on. For real, how is this written and directed by Guy Ritchie? It is actually a little deranged. Rest assured, if you want to feel horrible about people and movie making, Swept Away is the movie for you. It’ll make you say: “Movies were a mistake.” It is genuinely that bad. A+ Friend in a way, because I no longer have to think about what might be the worst movie ever made. I now know.
Check out the sequel Original Sin 2: Purgatory. Cheerios,