As all BMT super fans know, we operate on the Stallonian Calendar. It consists of 6 months of 8 weeks each, plus four random breakout weeks that represent the BMT Celebration of the Life, and then on very special years an extra week culminating in Stallone Day, where all laws are suspended and murder is legal (bum bum bum). The only law is Stallone himself and he goes around curing the disease of crime. I think we can all agree this has been a wild success. However, I have to admit that there was one unforeseen and unexpected consequence: the reduction in the number of Stallone films we watch. How paradoxical. This is because it has been foretold in one of the many BMT prophecies that when a Stallone Day arrives and there isn’t a qualifying film to watch then the apocalypse will be upon us. That’s… not great, but sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind. We need Stallone like Stallone needs… Stallone. So here we are watching Oscar, a classic Stallone BMT film.
To recap, “Snaps” Provolone (he is not named Oscar, I repeat, Sly Stallone is not the titular Oscar), is a gangster who has promised to go straight. With that in mind we enter a very important day in the life of Snaps. It’s the day he makes good on that promise by making a deal with the bank. Everyone is on their best behavior, but things just keep on getting in the way. Most significantly is his accountant, who announces that he is in love with Snaps’ daughter and as a result has stolen thousands of dollars from Snaps in order to make sure he deserves her hand in marriage. Snaps is enraged, but relents and goes to talk to his daughter Lisa. Turns out that she’s pregnant (not really) and not by the accountant, but rather the former chauffeur Oscar (ah, there he is, I’m sure he’ll play a major role). Snaps pushes the accountant and Lisa together, but they don’t seem particularly thrilled, so Snaps eventually sets her up with his speech teacher. She surprisingly seems quite thrilled with him and the worldly academic trips he takes. Meanwhile, the other “daughter” that the accountant actually likes shows up and turns out that she was lying to the accountant. He is angry and they break off their engagement as well. A bunch of people are spying on Snaps trying to figure out what he’s up to and when the bankers show up that blows up in everyone’s faces. Once that’s out of the way, Snaps finds out from his new maid (that turns out to be his former lover) that his fake daughter is his real daughter and they have a double wedding. THE END
Boy that is way worse to recap than the film is in reality. It’s actually not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. A bunch of the supporting actors are amazing and Tomei is a raw talent that picks up steam as the film goes on. You could dissect Stallone’s performance all day, but it is probably his strongest comedic performance. On the one hand he performs admirably when there is a lot of work to be done. He is the star through and through and has to support the entire film. On the other hand I’m not exactly sure what he’s doing some of the time. His character appears to be the straight man in a series of comedy bits and yet he plays it pretty broad. It seems like he enjoyed showing off his comedy chops, but not sure this is the film to do it. Doesn’t come together for me, but not a total disaster. As for Arena, I would highly recommend it. The film is just flat out fun. Lots of makeup and aliens and a strangely coherent style of alien boxing. I really dug it and thought it looked cool. Great start.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Exact same movie but with Al Pacino instead of Sly Stallone and it works. You’d think that’s not a hot take (Al Pacino was offered the role), but I mean it in the literal sense. When BMT makes us a million dollars… no wait, what’s better than a million dollars? Oh right, a billion dollars. So when BMT makes us a billion dollars we will sink that hard earned cash into digitally inserting Al Pacino (or a hologram of Al Pacino) into Oscar. Just word-for-word exactly the same, but with the correct inflection and straight-man energy that Pacino showed off in Jack & Jill. Now it’s good and it actually doesn’t have a sadly ironic name because it ends up winning the Oscar for Best Picture. Sorry, Silence of the Lambs. Hot Take Temperature: Mild. Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Oscar? Not likely for this piece of garbage. Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Let’s go!
Sly Stallone of the 80s was a national treasure. A true triple threat who bet on himself time and time again to write himself to multiple Oscar nominations, and then (somehow) writing and directing himself into the role of Biggest Action Star in the World (for a time at least). He basically redefined action filmmaking. Not to mention when he beat Drago (in Russia!) he ended the Cold War. Word.
But Stallone also thinks (or at least thought) he was really funny, and seemingly just one comedy away from everyone realizing how funny he is.
He is not funny. His comedies are pretty much universally terrible and legitimately you could argue they almost ruined his career in the 90s before he came back (like three different times).
Oscar, weirdly, is maybe the most successful Stallone comedy. It turns out when you aren’t funny, a French farce works well enough to give you lines that sound like jokes and some people might be tricked into thinking you’re funny.
So let’s summarize. Stallone is a legend of an industry he basically single-handedly helped redefine. Stallone really really thought he was funny. Stallone is not funny. But when he kind of shouts lines and is surrounded by a weird French farce people who like French farces might find him funny. I laughed zero times during this film.
Marissa Tomei is quite good in the film.
It is not at all surprising Ornella Muti was voted as the most beautiful woman in the world in the early 90s.
I liked the two suit makers, they were actually funny (in a French farce kind of way).
This film felt endless.
It is a French farce through and through complete with people running around, near misses, and mistaken identity. Still not funny.
Amazingly this film doesn’t really have any superlatives. Fictional setting. Non-holiday. No planchet. A period piece so tough to place products. No real twist. No MacGuffin. Just a plain old Bad movie IMO.
We decided to pair the 1989 straight-to-video action film Arena. I have to say, this is a really fun film. Wacky sets. Funny huge alien costumes. Multiple actors from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine specifically. Maybe the funniest bit is that the main character is like … a Great Human Hope for this weird battle competition? Some nice bad acting to boot. Actually, we were already there. This felt like a bad episode from Season 1 of Star Trek: The Next Generation where some special effects coordinator was like “I can totally make huge aliens that look good!” and when it came to the day of the shoot the director was like “Yikes … welp, get some people to move this horrible looking giant tube legs around I guess?” But still, a funny and fun film. It is exactly why late-80s / early-90s direct-to-video films make the best Friends.
Check out the spin off series The Finucci Bros Fine Italian Suits in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, what a day! Like, I’ve had to arrange like forty marriages and the cops are after me, it’s nuts. I’m so twist-turned around I actually can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Oscar?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) At the beginning of the film Angelo’s father makes him promise one thing before he dies. What is it?
2) A month later Angelo gets an urgent call at home at the uncommonly early hour of 8:45AM. From whom and why?
3) What a twist? Angelo just keeps on getting visitors. This time from a nice young lady. What spanner does she want to throw in the works of Oscars increasingly complicated day?
4) There is like a big switcheroo involving three bags. What are in all of the bags?
5) So … who marries who in the end?
Bonus Question: In the mid-credits scene we see the now arrested Vendetti gets some visitors in his cell. Who?
“This is your original sin,” Mikey says, staring daggers at Jamie and Patrick. “You have to pick it up,” he continues, “pick it up so I can finally end this.” It would seem the chase has finally driven Mikey mad. Jamie and Patrick rack their brains. If they don’t pick it up Mikey will surely shoot them anyways. Perhaps their only chance is to hope their lightning quick reflexes can turn the tables on him at the last moment. Sweat drips down their abs as they reach for the Dongle. Suddenly the door bursts open and Kyle and the past bad movie twins rush in. “Not so fast!” screams Kyle. Mikey seems momentarily flummoxed. “But… but the Gram told me you were in Greece!” he cries in disbelief. Kyle shrugs slyly. “Greece is for the birds,” he says, trying out a new catchphrase where he declared various things are “for the birds.” This further flummoxes Mikey. With a double flummox in place Jamie and Patrick see their chance and grab for the Dongle. But just as they grasp it in their hands they realize that it’s not just two hands on the Dongle… it’s four! Jamie and Patrick stare at their past selves simultaneously in possession of the Dongle. They turn to look at Mikey, whose eyes widen in horror. Kyle, realizing that maybe the Dongle is decidedly not for the birds, quickly grabs for the Dongle as well just as the world disappears in a flash of brilliant white. Rubbing his eyes, Kyle looks around. He is now alone in the apartment, Mikey having been disintegrated by the temporal paradox experienced by the Dongle and the twins… gone. He looks down at the Dongle in his hand and knows they are still alive… somewhere… somewhen? That’s right! We are transitioning to the climactic penultimate cycle of the year with the recent tradition of running a Bring a Friend cycle. This year it’ll be films set in the past paired with nonqualifying films set in the future. Get ready for some postapocalyptic bullshit. To start we are going for a classic Sly Stallone vehicle, Oscar, paired with Arena, a very fun looking alien boxing movie. Let’s go!
Oscar (1991) – BMeTric: 17.2; Notability: 47
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 23.2%; Notability: top 4.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 5.0%; Higher BMeT: Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, Cool as Ice, Problem Child 2, Critters 3, Child’s Play 3, Nothing But Trouble, Suburban Commando, Return to the Blue Lagoon, Mannequin: On the Move, Kickboxer 2: The Road Back, Double Impact, King Ralph, Zandalee, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, Hudson Hawk, V.I. Warshawski, House Party 2, The Butcher’s Wife, Curly Sue, Drop Dead Fred, and 38 more; Higher Notability: Hook, Hudson Hawk, Mobsters, Switch, Rock-A-Doodle, Flight of the Intruder, Life Stinks, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, Out for Justice, The Marrying Man, Necessary Roughness, The Five Heartbeats; Lower RT: Return to the Blue Lagoon, Critters 3, The Super, Run, Cool as Ice, Another You, Mobsters, All I Want for Christmas, Problem Child 2, The Marrying Man, Strictly Business, Drop Dead Fred; Notes: The IMDb rating of 6.5 is crazy high. The European Remake cycle has been wild with some of these. For a 1991 comedy the notability is pretty high.
Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars – Stallone is surprisingly enjoyable in a comic change-of-pace, playing 1930s gangster Angelo “Snaps” Provolone, who’s trying to go straight, despite the domestic and financial chaos that surrounds him. Farcical comedy, complete with mistaken identities and slamming doors, offers showcases for Palminteri as Snaps’ henchman, Curry as a priggish speech teacher, Bracken as a stuttering stoolie, and Shearer and Ferrero as the Finuccis but never quite takes wing. Based on a French play, filmed before in 1967 with Louis de Funes.
(Surprisingly solid review by Leonard. Although, I suppose it isn’t that surprising once you consider that Maltin is a sucker for old Hollywood in many regards. It does seem like something he would ultimately appreciate.)
(Huh, kind of an odd trailer. Since that is only one of three or four plots floating around in this film. The actual plot is that Snaps is trying to go straight, but everything in his life (on this particular day) seems to be trying to stop him from doing so. His daughter’s potential marriage is just one of those things.)
Directors – John Landis – ( Known For: National Lampoon’s Animal House; The Blues Brothers; Coming to America; Trading Places; An American Werewolf in London; Three Amigos!; Twilight Zone: The Movie; The Kentucky Fried Movie; Blues Brothers 2000; Amazon Women on the Moon; Into the Night; Burke and Hare; Schlock; Susan’s Plan; Future BMT: Spies Like Us; Innocent Blood; The Stupids; BMT: Beverly Hills Cop III; Oscar; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director in 1992 for Oscar; in 1995 for Beverly Hills Cop III; and in 1997 for The Stupids; Notes: He won an Emmy for Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project. Probably, sadly, most notable for directing the segment of The Twilight Zone Movie where several people were killed in a helicopter stunt.)
Writers – Claude Magnier – ( Known For: Oscar; Jo; Where Were You When the Lights Went Out?; Oskar; BMT: Oscar; Notes: A playwright, he wrote the play which both the French original and this are based on.)
Michael Barrie – ( Known For: Bad Boys; Amazon Women on the Moon; …All the Marbles; BMT: Oscar; Notes: The writing partner with Mulholland. He is not in the film though.)
Jim Mulholland – ( Known For: Bad Boys; Amazon Women on the Moon; …All the Marbles; BMT: Oscar; Notes: He actually plays the titular Oscar who is only seen for a moment at the end of the film. He has 20 Emmy nominations, for The Tonight Show and The Late Show. Amazingly, they never won.)
Actors – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: The Suicide Squad; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Rocky; The Expendables; First Blood; Cliffhanger; The Expendables 2; Creed; Rocky III; Cop Land; Creed II; Escape Plan; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Rocky Balboa; Death Race 2000; Eye See You; Rocky II; The Lords of Flatbush; Antz; Escape Plan 2: Hades; Future BMT: Rocky IV; Staying Alive; Rocky V; Assassins; Ratchet & Clank; BMT: The Expendables 3; Rambo; Rambo: Last Blood; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Demolition Man; Cobra; Over the Top; Tango & Cash; Rambo III; The Specialist; Judge Dredd; Daylight; Oscar; Lock Up; Driven; Get Carter; Zookeeper; Grudge Match; Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; Rhinestone; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director, and Worst Actor for Rocky IV in 1986; Winner for Worst Screenplay, and Worst Actor for Rambo: First Blood Part II in 1986; Winner for Worst Actor in 1985 for Rhinestone; in 1989 for Rambo III; and in 1993 for Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; Winner for Worst Supporting Actor for Spy Kids 3: Game Over in 2004; Winner for Worst Screen Couple in 1995 for Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles, and The Specialist; Winner for Worst Actor of the Decade in 1990 for Cobra, Cobra, Lock Up, Lock Up, Over the Top, Over the Top, Rambo III, Rambo III, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rhinestone, Rocky IV, and Tango & Cash; Nominee for Worst Director for The Expendables in 2011; Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 1985 for Rhinestone; in 1986 for Rocky IV; in 1987 for Cobra; in 1989 for Rambo III; in 1991 for Rocky V; in 1994 for Cliffhanger; in 2002 for Driven; and in 2020 for Rambo: Last Blood; Nominee for Worst Actor in 1987 for Cobra; in 1988 for Over the Top; in 1990 for Lock Up, and Tango & Cash; in 1991 for Rocky V; in 1992 for Oscar; in 1995 for The Specialist; in 1996 for Assassins, and Judge Dredd; in 1997 for Daylight; in 2001 for Get Carter; in 2014 for Bullet to the Head, Escape Plan, and Grudge Match; and in 2020 for Rambo: Last Blood; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor, and Worst Screen Couple for Driven in 2002; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn in 1999; and Nominee for Worst Screen Combo for Rambo: Last Blood in 2020; Notes: He has a television show coming out, which I think is crazy. Tulsa King.)
Ornella Muti – ( Known For: Flash Gordon; The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things; To Rome with Love; Appassionata; The Last Woman; Storie di ordinaria follia; Oasis of Fear; Swann in Love; La stanza del vescovo; Romanzo popolare; The Girl from Trieste; Hotel; Death of a Corrupt Man; Madly in Love; Il bisbetico domato; La moglie più bella; First Love; Magical Nights; Love & Money; Viva Italia!; Future BMT: Once Upon a Crime…; BMT: Oscar; Notes: Italian. She was voted the most beautiful woman in the world in 1994 in a poll.)
Peter Riegert – ( Known For: National Lampoon’s Animal House; The Mask; Traffic; We Bought a Zoo; Local Hero; Pie in the Sky; American Pastoral; At Middleton; Crossing Delancey; A Shock to the System; A Man in Love; Movie Madness; Infinity; Americathon; Coldblooded; Passed Away; Passion of Mind; That’s Adequate; The Object of Beauty; Chilly Scenes of Winter; BMT: Oscar; Notes: Was nominated for an Oscar for a short film By Courier, and for an Emmy for Barbarians at the Gate. Still working, a recent notable role in Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.)
Budget/Gross – $35 million / Domestic: $23,562,716 (Worldwide: $23,562,716)
(Yeah, this is considered a catastrophic bomb for a reason. That is a very bad performance indeed. I’m a bit surprised they didn’t release the film into France and Italy though. I think they could have gotten a bit from both places. This is very French humor at the time.)
(Oh, I get to make a consensus: Stallone isn’t funny. That’s the be all and end all of the reviews on that page really.)
Reviewer Highlight: Sylvester Stallone isn’t completely without a sense of humor (he showed a comic instinct in Rocky), but the last place he belongs is at the center of a classically structured farce – Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly
(This is a very funny poster. Artistic in an old timey way. It also doesn’t make a lot of sense. They make it seem like the film is a race against time. But not really… it just happens to be the day of a big meeting for “Snaps” Provolone. Font is meh, but overall aesthetic is good. B-.)
Tagline(s) – In crime and comedy, timing is everything. (C)
Gangster “Snaps” Provolone has until noon to become an honest man. (D-)
(I feel like they were almost there with a timing is everything riff. It would have been better if it was just that, really. But adding more words they take away some of the punch. The second is bad. Like that’s just a phrase about what the movie is about (kind of)… like would appear in the Leonard Maltin book or something.)
Keyword(s) – European Remake
Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)
Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 41.2 Mixed Nuts (1994), 39.8 Intersection (1994)
BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), Nine Months (1995), The Big Wedding (2013), Brick Mansions (2014), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Original Sin (2001), Blame It on Rio (1984), The Loft (2014), Oscar (1991), Vanilla Sky (2001), Wicker Park (2004)
Best Options (past): 21.7 The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking (1988), 17.2 Oscar (1991), 15.6 Jakob the Liar (1999), 8.9 The Thirteenth Floor (1999)
(Obviously the transition is going to be a tough ask, and yet there were four movies which were remakes of European films and also set in the past? I think The Thirteenth Floor might be a tough one though, I think it is only like “virtually” in the past or something.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 9) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Sylvester Stallone is No. 1 billed in Oscar and No. 1 billed in The Expendables 3, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 9. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 8.
Notes – At the AFI Life Achievement Award in 1991 which went to Kirk Douglas, Sylvester Stallone in his tribute to Douglas recalled the filming of the scene where he hits Stallone in the face. After a swing and miss, Stallone jokingly told Douglas to slap him hard. “Let me have your best”, whereupon Douglas proceeded to beat Stallone silly. Stallone said “I learned the hard way: never spar with Spartacus.”
One night, after filming wrapped, a fire destroyed several sets, many of the actors’ trailers (among them Tim Curry’s), all of the costumes, and twenty-one valuable vintage cars. Production was halted for two weeks while they were remaking all of the costumes. A Universal security guard hired to guard the cars later admitted to setting the fire.
Appearing as the title character Oscar, this is Jim Mulholland’s only movie.
In the early 1980s, this movie was originally proposed as another project for director John Landis and John Belushi, who was pencilled in for the Angelo “Snaps” Provolone role. The project was abandoned once Belushi died, but resuscitated later, this time with Sylvester Stallone in the lead.
This movie was based on the 1958 French play “Oscar” by Claude Magnier.
Kirk Douglas and Sylvester Stallone had only appeared in one movie together previously, and it had not been a happy experience. Douglas had started out as Colonel Trautman in First Blood (1982), but quit after a dispute over whether Rambo should live or die at the end. It was not an amicable departure.
The name of the horse on which one of Snaps’ henchmen places a bet is High Hat, the name of the horse ridden by Harpo Marx in A Day at the Races (1937).
When Anthony Rossano C.P.A. (Vincent Spano) first appears at Angelo “Snaps” Provolone’s (Sylvester Stallone’s) door, Aldo (Peter Riegert) says “it’s Little Anthony” he looks behind him “and his Imperial”. Little Anthony and the Imperials was a rock band in the 1950s.
Snaps and his men quip that they were last in Chicago on Valentine’s Day, most likely referring to the Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre.
The poster is an homage to the iconic scene from Safety Last! (1923).
The film takes place in 1931.
Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Sylvester Stallone, 1992)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Marisa Tomei, 1992)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (John Landis, 1992)
There was a brief moment in time where we made a very big deal about the fact that no BMT film was set in the state of Delaware. Already a dubious state, this made it all the more dubious. Could a state be real if they don’t even care to set a terrible wide release horror or action film there? We said no. Eventually we collapsed under the weight of our own joke and lowered ourselves to watching Survival of the Dead, the sixth entry in the Night of the Living Dead series, in order to tally Delaware. It was released to 20 theaters and it’s one of our greatest shames. What does this have to do with Original Sin? Well, Jolie’s character came to Cuba from Delaware (allegedly). It’s probably why Banderas was like “Hoochie mama, how did such a hot dame come from Delaware?!” So we contemplated watching it as the Delaware film. Good thing we didn’t. Not a glimpse of that “state” to be seen.
Let’s recap this GD thang. Banderas is a workaholic coffee plantation owner. He decides to get a mail order bride so that he can get married without it getting in the way of his work. That’s why he got the Delaware Special. Just a Plain Jane gal from Dover that won’t distract him. Unfortunately out walks Angelina Jolie and… let’s just say he’s a little distracted. They are super into each other for realz and we get some steamy scenes that required me to clean my glasses (for science). Soon Jolie’s sister is writing her and a detective shows up asking to see Jolie. By the time the sister shows up to inform Banderas that Jolie is an imposter who killed his real bride, she’s already long gone with his fortune. Fortunately an extremely creepy and grimy detective is hanging around willing to help him out. How nice and not suspicious! When they track Jolie down, Banderas is basically like “sooooo, we can still bone, right?” and she’s like “yeah, NBD.” So now he goes on the run with Jolie like an absolute crazy person. They live a nice life on the lam only to have it upended when the detective comes a-knocking and Banderas “kills” him. Unfortunately for Banderas this all turns out to be an elaborate ruse. The detective and Jolie are actually working together (what a twist!) and this is just the next step in the plan. Convince Banderas that he’s a murderer, get him into financial straits, get him to sell off his company to give more money to Jolie, and then kill him. But Banderas finds out and, willing to die for his mad love (starring Drew Barrymore), knowingly accepts a poisoned drink from Jolie. But she has a change of heart and they together dispatch the fake detective and live out their crazy life like the couple of crazy kids they are. THE END.
I’m not sure I totally minded this film. Banderas is an absolute imbecile with a screw loose, but in kind of a funny way. Like you can’t believe all the terrible decisions he’s making at every step of the film. I think I actually liked Jolie and I really liked Thomas Jane who seems to be having a ball. The real issue is that it is pretty boring at times, lacking a bit of coherent forward motion, and some of the situations get unnecessarily and unpleasantly grim. That makes it a little hard to recommend cause it lacks a little of the “fun” needed to call it “steamy fun.” As for Swept Away, woof. Maybe that’s why I didn’t mind Original Sin. I had to endure Swept Away. You don’t get to say this often, but Swept Away might actually be the worst movie of all time. There is basically nothing redeeming about it. It is unwatchable. I shudder even remembering the experience of watching it. I can’t believe how much Patrick and I discussed it considering it wasn’t even the main film of the week, but we couldn’t stop marveling at how horrible it was.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Jolie and Jane are bad at their jobs and the plan only works because Banderas is the dumbest human being alive. Almost from the jump everything about Jolie is suspect. Banderas’ response? “Look at those knockers! Better sign all my personal and business accounts over to her.” Then even when she steals everything from him and runs away, what happens when he finds her? “Look at those knockers! Better run off and ruin my life for her.” Literally at any point Banderas could have been like “You know what, fool me once.” But he gets fooled like a thousand times. And then even after he wins, he ends up setting up a poker ruse with Jolie that is bar none the worst attempt at cheating in history. He’ll be dead in a month cause he’s a real dumbo who’s hitched his wagon to a bad con artist. Hot Take Temperature: Sweet BBQ. Patrick?
Patrick
Original Sin? More like Not So Original Sin, amirite? Well, I was promised bodice-ripping excitement by Roger Ebert. But I can’t recall there necessarily being a bodice ripped in this film. I’m mostly positive there was nary a bodice in sight! Anyways, let’s get into it!
These past few weeks I feel like a few things have happened. I’ve discovered that foreign films tend to be a bit more sexy and plodding than American films (at least the non-comedies). And that translating these films directly into American films often leave the actors they get to play the parts a bit lost at sea (especially the comedies). Original Sin I guess it helped by being a book. But ultimately I fear it was hurt by being based on, maybe, not a very good book.
I wouldn’t know I didn’t read the book. Nor did I watch the Truffant film it is based on, although it is on the list of films I’ll want to check out in the future.
But ultimately the film’s plot line seemed depressing, decidedly unsexy in most regards (unless you live in Cuba in the 1890s maybe?), and didn’t really lead anywhere.
I don’t think I liked this film. But I also couldn’t really put my finger on why. Maybe because Banderas seems like an idiot who is duped by an obvious conwoman and her partner in crime at every turn. Maybe because I don’t like watching someone’s life fall apart for two hours. Or maybe I was ready for dangerous sexiness and then was treated to not very much bodice ripping and undangerous sex scenes. I don’t know. But I feel like I would not recommend this film to anyone.
The worst part of the film: the extremely obvious poker cheating. Come on guys. Put some effort into it! You can’t just have Angelina Jolie cross her throat to be like “that guy has a bad hand” and ogle the cards over everyone’s shoulder. It is ludicrous. My hot take? Banderas deserved it. Not because cheating is bad. But because bad cheating is especially bad.
A good Setting as a Character (Where?) for Cuba in the end. And I’ll just throw out a Rare Temporal Setting (When?) for late 19th century, I think people get so caught up in doing 20th century stuff they forget the Gilded Age. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the inevitable reveal that Jolie did it again and seduced the priest into taking her place in prison. I think this is a Bad film, and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.
As the friend cycle we decided to go with maybe the most notable European remake which is also considered one of the worst movies ever made. Swept Away, ever heard of it? This Madonna vehicle is, how do you say? An abomination. Boom, DOG POO IN MY FACE babyyyyyyyyy. This is actually the worst film ever made. It is shocking to say, but it is actually the worst film ever made. I don’t know how they decided on: horrible person Madonna treats poor fisherman like shit, fisherman in exchange explicitly makes her his slave on deserted island thus revealing that he too is a piece of shit, they fall in love and decide to be pieces of shit together, but instead Madonna goes back to her oppressing life with her insufferable husband leaving fisherman to be a sad piece of shit alone. Oh and there is like some underlying capitalistic stuff going on. For real, how is this written and directed by Guy Ritchie? It is actually a little deranged. Rest assured, if you want to feel horrible about people and movie making, Swept Away is the movie for you. It’ll make you say: “Movies were a mistake.” It is genuinely that bad. A+ Friend in a way, because I no longer have to think about what might be the worst movie ever made. I now know.
Check out the sequel Original Sin 2: Purgatory. Cheerios,
Alright, so basically I got a mail order bride who was supposed to be pretty plain, but then Angelina Jolie showed up. Needless to say I passed out, and now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Original Sin?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Banderas is a rich farmer in Cuba at the turn of the century who wants a mail order bride because he just like … wants a wife, right? Anyways, what does his plantation produce?
2) Wowza, this mail order bride is actually a mail order hottie! Huh, better hand over access to all of my business accounts. But then who comes a calling which really cranks up his suspicions that something is amiss?
3) After Jolie runs away with all his money, where, ultimately, does Banderas find her and what is she doing?
4) After scraping together some money by cheating at cards things finally come to a head when Banderas correctly surmises that Jolie is going to kill him. By what method is he intended to die?
5) In the end, how does Jolie escape from prison and where does she go?
Bonus Question: During the mid-credits scene Banderas and Jolie are living it up in Morocco. But uh oh! Who walks into their swanky tent and why?
Jamie and Patrick get off the Paris Metro. They look at the thirty story apartment building where they were told the Dongle is housed. It’s tough, but nothing a little dew can’t solve. They cheers with their limited edition Fuchsia Fusion Mountain Dew Deluxe brought to you by Mountain Dew. With the smallest sip they feel the power (and it feels good). Five minutes later they parkour flip their way onto the roof and get into a Twin Chop stance. But there isn’t anyone there to chop. Suspicious. As they walk their way down to the low level terrorist’s apartment they do the calculus on what might be going on. “What if they knew we were from the future so they sent us here to get us out of the way while our past selves went to Budapest?” Jamie says. It’s a reasonable guess, but they had Kyle take the past Jamie and Patrick on a hiking trip to Greece and they seem to be having a grand old time according to their Insta posts. When they amble into the apartment they gasp. There’s the Dongle, sitting on the kitchen table, not a soul in sight. Is it a trap? Or is this their moment to seize the Dongle and finally remove it from the equation? Just as Jamie reaches for it, Patrick stays his hand. “Look around,” Patrick whispers and only in that moment does Jamie realize that the apartment is an exact replica of the apartment from the hit television show Mad About You. My God! It’s a trap! They must have made the apartment specifically that way as an elaborate ruse. They turn to run, but are stopped at gunpoint by Future Mikey. “Pick it up,” he demands, “this is the moment. This is your…” That’s right! We’re watching the Banderas/Jolie smash hit Original Sin which is about… something… I’m not sure, but you better believe it’s steamy. As for Bring a Friend, we are pairing this with another erotic (?) thriller (?) Swept Away starring Madonna which just didn’t qualify for BMT cause it was so bad they couldn’t release it wide to theaters. Let’s go!
Original Sin (2001) – BMeTric: 32.3; Notability: 30
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 22.0%; Notability: top 28.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 8.4%; Higher BMeT: Glitter, Jason X, Freddy Got Fingered, Driven, The Animal, Ghosts of Mars, Black Knight, Valentine, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Soul Survivors, Monkeybone, The Musketeer, Corky Romano, Scary Movie 2, The Wedding Planner, Bones, Summer Catch, The Order, Say It Isn’t So, The Wash, and 35 more; Higher Notability: Pearl Harbor, Monkeybone, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Hannibal, Impostor, Ghosts of Mars, Not Another Teen Movie, Bubble Boy, 15 Minutes, Swordfish, The One, Town & Country, The Affair of the Necklace, Scary Movie 2, I Am Sam, America’s Sweethearts, Along Came a Spider, 3000 Miles to Graceland, Texas Rangers, Joe Dirt, and 51 more; Lower RT: Texas Rangers, Soul Survivors, Glitter, All the Queen’s Men, Corky Romano, The Forsaken, Summer Catch, The Wash, Out Cold, Say It Isn’t So, Joe Dirt, Head Over Heels, Megiddo: The Omega Code 2, What’s the Worst That Could Happen?, Freddy Got Fingered, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Perfume, The Musketeer, Valentine, Double Take; Notes: Pretty minor. And when you are going against heavy hitters like Glitter it is no wonder a film like Original Sin would cruise under our radar for so long.
RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – The movie is not intended to be subtle. It is sweaty, candle-lit melodrama, joyously trashy, and its photography wallows in sumptuous decadence. The ending is hilariously contrived and sensationally unlikely, as the movie audaciously shows an irrevocable action and then revokes it. I don’t know whether to recommend “Original Sin” or not. It’s an exuberant example of what it is–a bodice-ripping murder “meller”–and at that it gets a passing grade. Maybe if it had tried to be more it would have simply been watering the soup.
(Wow. This is the second in a few weeks where Ebert is like “what are you guys going on about? This is a good movie” about a BMT film. I can see it for both Wicker Park and this. They both are a specific genre or indie film that could be liked for the performances and not be bothered by the execution in the end.)
(I sure hope I can call it “extremely steamy”! And cha Ebert gave it a thumbs up, he was like “good for what it is.” It actually it a great example of that. The trailer? It did seem bodice-ripping, so I give it a thumbs up.)
Directors – Michael Cristofer – ( Known For: The Night Clerk; Body Shots; BMT: Original Sin; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for The Bonfire of the Vanities in 1991; Notes: Won the Pulitzer for his production of the play The Shadow Box which he eventually wrote a tv adaptation for. Seems like he was a pretty major actor, was in 32 episodes of Mr. Robot.)
Writers – Cornell Woolrich – ( Known For: Rear Window; The Window; Cloak & Dagger; Black Angel; The Bride Wore Black; Mississippi Mermaid; The Leopard Man; No Man of Her Own; Seven Blood-Stained Orchids; The Chase; Phantom Lady; The Guilty; Street of Chance; Night Has a Thousand Eyes; Union City; Fear in the Night; Deadline at Dawn; Nightmare; Seven Footprints to Satan; She’s No Angel; BMT: Original Sin; Mrs. Winterbourne; Notes: He wrote the original novel and died in the 60s. All of these films, amazingly, are presumably made from various novels and short stories.)
Michael Cristofer – ( Known For: The Night Clerk; The Witches of Eastwick; Casanova; Falling in Love; Chuck; Mr. Jones; Breaking Up; BMT: Original Sin; The Bonfire of the Vanities; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for The Bonfire of the Vanities in 1991; Notes: Nominated for two Emmys for writing, for Gia and The Shadow Box.)
Actors – Antonio Banderas – ( Known For: Uncharted; Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles; Official Competition; Spy Kids; Shrek 2; The Mask of Zorro; Philadelphia; The Skin I Live In; Desperado; Frida; Shrek the Third; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Once Upon a Time in Mexico; Security; Four Rooms; Knight of Cups; Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!; Evita; Shrek Forever After; The Laundromat; Future BMT: Life Itself; Machete Kills; Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World; The Legend of Zorro; Assassins; Play It to the Bone; BMT: Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; The Expendables 3; Dolittle; Original Sin; The 13th Warrior; Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever; Never Talk to Strangers; Notes: Broke into Hollywood with The Mambo Kings, but originally was a major actor in Spain. Was nominated for an Oscar for Dolor y gloria.)
Angelina Jolie – ( Known For: Eternals; The Good Shepherd; Girl, Interrupted; Kung Fu Panda; Wanted; Mr. & Mrs. Smith; Maleficent; Those Who Wish Me Dead; Kung Fu Panda 3; Kung Fu Panda 2; Changeling; Beowulf; Salt; By the Sea; Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow; The One and Only Ivan; Come Away; Playing by Heart; Pushing Tin; Foxfire; Future BMT: Alexander; The Tourist; Maleficent: Mistress of Evil; Shark Tale; The Bone Collector; Taking Lives; Life or Something Like It; Beyond Borders; Playing God; BMT: Lara Croft: Tomb Raider; Gone in 60 Seconds; Original Sin; Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life; Hackers; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actress in 2002 for Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, and Original Sin; in 2003 for Life or Something Like It; in 2004 for Beyond Borders, and Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life; and in 2005 for Alexander, and Taking Lives; Notes: Daughter of Jon Voight. Won an Oscar for Girl, Interrupted, and was nominated for The Changeling. Recently I read she spite-sold half of a winery she owned with Brad Pitt. Baller.)
Thomas Jane – ( Known For: Boogie Nights; The Mist; Face/Off; Scott Pilgrim vs. the World; Deep Blue Sea; Magnolia; Vendetta; Hot Summer Nights; The Thin Red Line; Run Hide Fight; LOL; 1922; Nemesis; Murder at Yellowstone City; Before I Wake; Breach; The Vanished; White Bird in a Blizzard; The Last Son; Money Plane; Future BMT: Buffy the Vampire Slayer; The Punisher; A-X-L; The Crow: City of Angels; BMT: The Predator; Original Sin; The Sweetest Thing; Dreamcatcher; Notes: Used to be married to Rutger Hauer’s daughter. I’ll always remember him as a weird choice for The Punisher.)
(Yeah that’s a bomb, but I’m also very skeptical of that $42 million budget. I know it is a period piece, and I know Jolie was famous, but still. You think this is pulling in $100 million?)
Rotten Tomatoes – 12% (11/90): Laughably melodramatic, Original Sin features bad acting, bad dialogue, and bad plotting.
(Melodramatic could be good, but this also just kind of screams “boring.” But maybe I’m just biased against bad dramas in general. The Owen Gleiberman quote below is amazing and probably 100% true.)
Reviewer Highlight: A textbook case of a movie that would have been better had it been worse. – Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly
(I mean, yes, I will watch that, thank you. If you want to get butts in seats that is certainly a way to do it. Lot’s a flesh on this poster so you know what you’re in for. Everything else is merely OK. B)
Tagline(s) – Lead Us Into Temptation (A+)
(I like that a lot. I’m gonna go ahead and rock an A+ on that guy. Four words. Connected to the title/plot. Clever twist on a common saying. It’s a master class.)
Keyword(s) – European Remake
Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)
Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 41.2 Mixed Nuts (1994), 39.8 Intersection (1994)
BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), Nine Months (1995), The Big Wedding (2013), Brick Mansions (2014), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Original Sin (2001), Blame It on Rio (1984), The Loft (2014), Vanilla Sky (2001), Wicker Park (2004)
Best Options (Razzies (Picture, Actor, Actress)): 39.8 Intersection (1994), 32.3 Original Sin (2001), 17.2 Oscar (1991), 15.6 Jakob the Liar (1999)
(We are going to watch Oscar next week as a transition. I wanted a Worst Actress nod in particular anyways to go with Swept Away. That BMT list is getting gaudy!)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 12) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Angelina Jolie is No. 1 billed in Original Sin and No. 3 billed in Gone in Sixty Seconds, which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (5 + 1) = 12. If we were to watch The Bone Collector we can get the HoE Number down to 11.
Notes – The plantation house was a real sugar cane plantation manor, albeit abandoned.
Michelle Pfeiffer’s production company had originally purchased the rights to the novel, with the intention that Pfeiffer herself would star. However, the actress opted to simply serve as producer on the film.
Director Michael Cristofer said in interviews, and in his commentary for the movie, that before the sex scene between Luis and Julia was filmed, Angelina Jolie told him that she would only film the scene if she was fully naked and without tapes or anything else to cover her up. Antonio Banderas also decided to do the scene fully naked after talking with them, and only Cristofer and a couple of more crew members were involved in filming it. This meant that lot of footage filmed for the scene, however, could not be used in the film because it was just too graphic and explicit to show onscreen. Cristofer said he was unable to even include it in the NC-17 unrated version, which is why in all versions of the film, the sex scene has very obvious cuts which are covered with editing and fade outs in between the shots. This was also where the rumor started about how Jolie and Banderas had unsimulated sex, which was said to have been another reason for why the scene was cut down. Cristofer said he still had copy of original cut of the film which, amongst other deleted scenes, also included the original uncut sex scene.
In December 2000, Ted Casablanca from E! Online reported how the infamous uncut version of sex scene between Jolie and Banderas was, on its own, 20 minutes long.
This film was a remake of François Truffaut’s Mississippi Mermaid (1969), starring Jean-Paul Belmondo and Catherine Deneuve.
This was the last film produced under Michelle Pfeiffer’s production company, Via Rosa Productions.
Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Angelina Jolie, 2002)
Back in our salad days, Patrick and I fancied ourselves quite the film connoisseurs. We only watched the best (the best!). So of course we gathered up our friends to catch District B13 in theaters and people were pretty impressed. And rightfully so, we were rad… almost as rad as all the parkour we witnessed that day. By the time Brick Mansions came out we were even radder (can you believe it) and in the midst of building our vast BMT empire, but parkour wasn’t nearly as rad, so we let it pass on by, just biding our time until the moment was juuuuust right. That moment is now. Welcome to BMT Presents: The Brick Mansions Post: The Movie.
To recap, Brick Mansions is the story of Paul Walker, an undercover cop trying to live up to the memory of his father, a cop killed in the line of duty. He’s just trying to keep a dystopian Detroit from going down the toilet, but things are made hard by all the drugs and crime in the brick mansions. Oooo, all those drugs and crime. It just makes me so mad. It also makes Lino mad, a parkour madman who gets himself in trouble by trashing a bunch of heroin peddled by Tremaine. Turns out Tremaine owns (almost all) the cops, so even when Lino gets the upper hand it only lands him in jail and his girlfriend held captive by Tremaine. Just at that moment, Tremaine comes into possession of a nuclear weapon (word) and Walker’s gotta get that bad boy back, baby. He teams up with Lino and infiltrates the brick mansions and hold onto your butts, cause they’re gonna parkour… your butts off… that’s why you gotta hold onto your butts. Once all the butts have been parkoured off, Lino and Walker get to the nuclear weapon, but realize that something seems fishy. The code they are given to diffuse the bomb turns out to be the zip code for the brick mansions. Aha! Don’t you see?! It’s so dumb that it’s gotta be a trap! They parkour their way over to the mayor’s office who is like “but…uh… but…uh… what thuuuuu.” And Walker records him and he sounds so dumb that everyone votes him out of office and votes Tremaine in (for realz). We end with Walker all happy and the former drug dealer planting a tree with a jaunty hat on. Not joking. THE END.
Hoooo man. This movie is dummmmmmbbbbb. Like real stupid for real. I could say it doesn’t make any sense, but it does make sense. It’s just very stupid. But that’s OK, cause the parkour was great, right? Eh, not really. The whole venture seems held back by the fact that Walker is just not on the same level as David Belle (obviously) and so everything seems to be done with tricky camera work. Ultimately, it just came off as a bit lame. If you are going to watch the film I wouldn’t even watch it for the parkour. I would watch it for the hilarious dub they put on Belle, which makes him seem American (… maybe?), and the last fifteen minutes, which holds its own in the vast depths of stupidity we’ve subjected ourselves to in BMT. I mean, a drug dealer kidnaps an innocent lady and holds a city hostage with a nuclear weapon and then gets elected mayor! His second in command immediately starts planting trees and wearing fashionable hats! It’s ludicrous.
Hot Take Clam Bake! The bomb goes off. I’m not even sure this is a hot take. Let’s look at the evidence: They think that the bomb is a trick because the deactivation code is the zip code of the brick mansions. That’s stupid. It was the real deactivation code and the bomb exploded. Everything after that is what happens in Paul Walker’s mind the moments before his body disintegrates. He imagines solving his father’s murder, getting the elitist mayor out of office, turning around the city that he loves, and introducing a hardened drug dealer to environmentalism and fancy hats. That is not real. That is an imagined ending by a man who totally screwed up and let a nuclear bomb go off in a major city. Hot Take Temperature: Jammin’ Jalapeno. Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Brick Mansions? More like Shit Mansions amirite? I mean, objectively it seems like the area of Brick Mansions is shit though. No hospitals or schools or anything? Seems like a terrible place to live. Let’s go!
The code is just the zip code to Brick Mansions? “That seems suspicious Mr. Mayor, doesn’t it?” “Shut up Jonathan, it’s called ‘being poetic’, I want Paul Walker, this person I never met, to think for a split second that he just got got by super genius me after punching in this sweet code. I sure do hope the drug dealers don’t shoot him directly in the face immediately when he gets there, and also the ultra sweet parkour expert doesn’t help him. But again, I have to send the parkour guy back in instead of just killing him in prison because that is also poetic.” Because, for real, if fourteen different things don’t go right then the bomb just merely doesn’t explode in the middle of Brick Mansions. He’s relying on Paul Walker just being so sweet that he obviously finds and sets off the bomb.
I guess from the top I should say: just watch District B13 if you want to see this movie. They are exactly the same movie, except instead of Paul Walker explaining why he isn’t doing sweet parkour everywhere, you get another parkour guy doing parkour. So by my calculations that makes it 2x as rad as this film already.
Paul Walker is a terrible actor. Sorry.
Why did they dub the French guy with a bad American accent? They already try and claim he is Quebecois. So … why do they then go out of their way to give him a not-French accent? Just make him speak French or let him speak with an accent or dub him over with someone with a clear accent.
In the end are we supposed to be rooting for the murderous drug dealers who wanted to blow up a bomb in the middle of Detroit to become mayor? So we have back-to-back mayors of Detroit who wanted to set off a bomb in the middle of Detroit? What a wild timeline.
Parkour has never looked so bad. Sorry.
I’m going to throw out the assistant drug dealer as a potential Planchet (Who?) even though I don’t think he gets made fun of enough, I think he’s some other trope, like Incompetant Number Two or something. Some minor Product Placement (What?) for things like BMW. An excellent Setting as a Character (Where?) for Detroit Rock City. A very good MacGuffin (Why?) for the bomb that is in desperate need of disarming. And a Worst Twist (How?) candidate for the reveal that the bomb would only go off once the code was punched in (not the opposite). Definitely a BMT film.
There was already an original Brick Mansions, and a sequel to that … doesn’t mean I can’t make my own sequel Brick Mansions 2: Sins of the Father. Cheerios,
Oh man, so I was doing some sweet parkour (regular Sunday, natch) when I did this sweet flip and landed directly on my head, whoops! Now I have a major concussion and can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Brick Mansions?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Why is Brick Mansions so shit? It is, init?
2) Our boy Lino is running from some baaaaad m-fers in dystopian Detroit. Why?
3) Paul Walker then is sent into ultra-shit Brick Mansions. Why?
4) What happened to Paul Walker’s father? But then … like what really happened?
5) What is the keycode for the bomb and what was the big baddies plan all along?
Bonus Question: RZA’s the King of Detroit! Well the Mayor of Detroit. But now someone has come to his new swanky office for a little favor. Who and what favor?
As Patrick and Jamie skulk behind the numerous wicker chairs populating Wicker Park, they try to come up with a plan. Could they stand in for Past Jamie and Patrick and trick the G-Men into giving them the task instead? No. As Jamie notes, rulez are coolz and when given a very important job they aren’t ones to drop the ball like a couple of unprofessional idiots. But that gets them thinking, what if they did follow through? At that they jump out of the bushes and right in the path of the G-Men. “Yo, G-Men, you looking for us?” The G-Men are a bit confused. These Bad Movie Twins look at least ten or eleven years older than the studs in the photos they have. But they shrug their shoulders and agree that since only the secret Time Cop Corporation has the technology of time travel there isn’t anything to worry about. Jamie and Patrick yawn as the G-Men go into intricate detail about the mission they already know everything about. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, high level terrorists in Budapest. Right? We got it,” Jamie says, trying to hurry them along. Now they look double confused and a bit suspicious. “No, not terrorists in Budapest. How did you…” they ask, eyeing Jamie sideways, but eventually shrug again and continue, ‘It’s actually pretty low level terrorists in Paris. Some much higher level terrorists broke down on their way to Budapest. They were carrying a powerful weapon that every baddie in the world would want. It was stolen from the truck and we need to get it back. You up for the job?” Jamie and Patrick gulp and nod their heads. “Oh and one more thing,” the G-Men say, “Hope you guys brought some Mountain Dew.” That’s right! We’re watching Brick Mansion starring Paul Walker. It’s a remake of District B13 that I remember seeing in theaters in college… we didn’t see this one in theaters for obvious reasons. Let’s go!
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 10.4%; Notability: top 19.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 20.6%; Higher BMeT: Left Behind, The Legend of Hercules, Ouija, God’s Not Dead, Devil’s Due, The Pyramid, A Haunted House 2, Tammy, Sex Tape, I, Frankenstein, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones, Behaving Badly, Outcast, Annabelle, Everly, Annie, Vampire Academy, Pompeii, Addicted, Seventh Son, and 6 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Age of Extinction, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Exodus: Gods and Kings, Transcendence, A Million Ways to Die in the West, Dracula Untold, Dumb and Dumber To, The Monuments Men, Annie, Seventh Son, Winter’s Tale, Think Like a Man Too, Horrible Bosses 2, Need for Speed, The Expendables 3, Men, Women & Children, Ride Along, The Nut Job, Vampire Academy, Pompeii, and 28 more; Lower RT: Behaving Badly, Left Behind, Cam2Cam, Outcast, I, Frankenstein, The Legend of Hercules, Ouija, Some Kind of Beautiful, Addicted, A Haunted House 2, The Angriest Man in Brooklyn, The Cobbler, Search Party, God’s Not Dead, The Best of Me, No Good Deed, Seventh Son, Winter’s Tale, Taken 3, The Nut Job, and 31 more; Notes: Middling across the board. Part of the problem, as I see it, was the competition in the mid-2010s was stiff. Left Behind? Legend of Hercules? Devil’s Due? It is kind of impossible this film could compete with those heavy hitters.
RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – The action may be serious, but “Brick Mansions” doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s a ridiculous movie that has the decency to acknowledge that it’s ridiculous.
(So … good for what it is? Roger Ebert would be proud. Especially in the 2000s he was all about the self-aware bad film actually being good. I think the problem is that this was already made from a self-aware film that also happened to be pretty good.)
(I mean, it looks kind of cool I suppose. The only issue is the French actor (who was in the original) doesn’t seem like he can keep up with the dialogue. But we’ll see.)
Directors – Camille Delamarre – ( Future BMT: The Transporter Refueled; BMT: Brick Mansions; Notes: Not much about him. Presumably French. Has directed a film called Assassins Club with Sam Neill.)
Writers – Luc Besson – ( Known For: Léon: The Professional; The Fifth Element; Taken; Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets; Lucy; The Transporter; Transporter 2; Revolver; The Big Blue; Arthur, malédiction; Transporter 3; Nikita; Taxi; District B13; Bandidas; Point of No Return; Unleashed; American Renegades; Kiss of the Dragon; Enter the Warriors Gate; Future BMT: Anna; 3 Days to Kill; The Family; The Transporter Refueled; Colombiana; Taken 3; Taken 2; Lockout; The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc; Arthur and the Invisibles; From Paris with Love; BMT: Taxi; Brick Mansions; Notes: French. Probably most well known for Fifth Element among many other films that have managed to cross international borders. Kind of amazing this is only our second of his films.)
Bibi Naceri – ( Known For: District B13; The Code; BMT: Brick Mansions; Notes: He wrote the original. Really has no other credits in the US. Everything else is pretty much French productions across the board.)
Ryan Amon – ( BMT: Brick Mansions; Notes: Credited as Ruff Argonauts apparently? Mainly a composer, but I would guess he does uncredited rewrites on the side or something, which is kind of wild.)
Actors – Paul Walker – ( Known For: Furious 7; She’s All That; Fast Five; Furious 6; Joy Ride; Pleasantville; Varsity Blues; Flags of Our Fathers; Running Scared; Eight Below; Tammy and the T-Rex; The Lazarus Project; Hours; Pawn Shop Chronicles; Vehicle 19; Bobby Z; Noel; Monster in the Closet; Stories USA; Future BMT: Into the Blue; Brokedown Palace; Takers; Meet the Deedles; BMT: The Fast and the Furious; Fast & Furious; 2 Fast 2 Furious; Timeline; The Skulls; Brick Mansions; Notes: Sadly died in 2013, prior to this film being released. The song, “See You Again” was made as a tribute for the Furious 7 soundtrack.)
David Belle – ( Known For: Femme Fatale; District B13; Rogue City; District 13: Ultimatum; Divine Intervention; Super Express; Future BMT: The Family; BMT: Babylon A.D.; Brick Mansions; Notes: His father, to some degree, is credited with inventing Parkour. Really, Belle probably actually did, as his father apparently mostly forgot everything and only really “invented” it in that he used his skills to not get beat up in a Vietnamese orphanage as a child.)
RZA – ( Known For: Minions: The Rise of Gru; Nobody; American Gangster; The Dead Don’t Die; Clean; Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai; The Next Three Days; Mr. Right; Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping; Life in a Year; Funny People; The Man with the Iron Fists; A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas; Coffee and Cigarettes; Mutafukaz; The Protector 2; Hard Luck Love Song; Life Is Hot in Cracktown; Thriller; Gospel Hill; Future BMT: Scary Movie 3; Due Date; Derailed; BMT: G.I. Joe: Retaliation; Be Cool; Repo Men; Brick Mansions; Notes: Has been nominated for an Emmy for the soundtrack to Wu-Tang: An American Saga. He has also directed a few things, including the pretty well received The Man with the Iron Fists.)
(Actually not too bad once you consider international money. The domestic haul is obviously much lower than they would have probably hoped though.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 26% (26/100): Choppily edited and largely bereft of plot, Brick Mansions wastes a likable cast on a pointless remake of the far more entertaining District B13.
(Yes, this is what I felt like at the time. I saw the original in 2006 (I think)? This coming out eight years later seemed odd since District B13 is good.)
Reviewer Highlight: Follows the bog-standard formula perfected by Besson: combining functional storylining with competent action highlights and an occasional air of whimsy. – Trevor Johnston, Time Out
(Wow… that is not good. Like supreme lameness. I would see that in a theater and be like “See you at BMT.” Color scheme is terrible and just too much going on. Interesting artistic choices but really that’s a mild positive in a sea of not good things. D.)
Tagline(s) – N/A
(There are some taglines on imdb but I don’t know where they come from. There isn’t one on the poster, so that’s an F. Give us something to work with.)
Keyword(s) – European Remake
Top 10: 12 Monkeys (1995), The Italian Job (2003), Insomnia (2002), Scent of a Woman (1992), Clash of the Titans (2010), Some Like It Hot (1959), Vanilla Sky (2001), True Lies (1994), Dawn of the Dead (2004), The Tourist (2010)
Future BMT: 54.5 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 54.0 Downhill (2020), 49.2 The Omen (2006), 44.8 Catch That Kid (2004), 43.1 Diabolique (1996), 43.0 Village of the Damned (1995), 41.8 I Think I Love My Wife (2007), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 41.2 Mixed Nuts (1994), 39.8 Intersection (1994)
BMT: The Wicker Man (2006), Taxi (2004), The Haunting (1999), Get Carter (2000), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Pathfinder (2007), Fathers’ Day (1997), Nine Months (1995), The Big Wedding (2013), Brick Mansions (2014), Sleepless (2017), The Blue Lagoon (1980), School for Scoundrels (2006), Blame It on Rio (1984), The Loft (2014), Vanilla Sky (2001), Wicker Park (2004)
Best Options (future):44.4 Brick Mansions (2014), 8.9 The Thirteenth Floor (1999)
(Yup, this was basically the only option. If not for this I think we maybe could have managed the full French cycle (in that it needed to go elsewhere for that to work)? Although maybe not, it is possible we’d still be missing a Dimension transition at the top. Regardless, we’d effectively killed any possibility of another Merde de la Merde. There are plenty left, but in reality the genre specific options are clearly too thin.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Paul Walker is No. 1 billed in Brick Mansions and No. 1 billed in 2 Fast 2 Furious, which also stars Eva Mendes (No. 3 billed) who is in Ghost Rider (No. 2 billed) which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (5 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch Into the Blue we can get the HoE Number down to 12.
Notes – Paul Walker’s last fully completed performance (although his final film performance was in Fast & Furious 7 which he was filming at the time of his death).
This film is a remake of the French film “District B13” (Banlieu 13) which stars David Belle in the same role as in this movie. Additionally, plot & other action elements are used from Luc Besson’s treatment of B13: Ultimatum, the French follow up to the first film.
The Gate 38 location was also used in Death Race (2008) as a part of the race track.
Tremain AKA RZA tells Damian and Leno that “Cash rules everything around me.” Which is the title to a hit song by the Wu-Tang Clan which RZA was a member of.
The film takes place in 2018.
In the scene where they show the prison holding Lino, it is actually the Montreal Biosphere.
There is a paradox in my life. On the one hand I am constantly watching films (both good and bad), while others in my household pretty much never watch a movie. For example, my doggy seems totally uninterested in the art of cinema (what a rube). So when I find a film that piques the interest of those nearest and dearest to my heart I jump at the opportunity. Wicker Park was one such film. The result is that I actually watched Wicker Park in the not too distant past. My conclusion then is pretty much my conclusion now (and I’ll save that for the end), but a sneak peak is what one of the members of my household thought: “great soundtrack.” It’s true, classic early 2000’s soundtrack that coincided with the greatest soundtrack run of our lifetimes: The OC. The other member had a different view: “I’m a dog, I don’t understand music, but Matthew Lillard was surprisingly charming.” Astute point, Sprinkles.
Quick recap, Matt has returned to Chicago to work for his (soon to be) fiance’s family’s advertising firm. We learn that a couple years ago he left Chicago heartbroken after the loss of his one true love: Lisa. Matt is given a big break by being sent to China to close a big deal, but just before he is set to leave he thinks he catches a glimpse of Lisa. He decides to delay his trip in order to find his true love. Thus begins the most suspenseful aspect of the film: the will he, won’t he… travel to China to close the deal. Come on, man! You can find Lisa when you get back. It’s like… a big deal for your company! If you’re not going to go, just tell them so they can send someone else to close it… gah! Sorry… I was just really worried about the deal. He left a lot of people hanging (I presume). Don’t be a dick. Anyway, with the help of his friend Luke he is able to find the apartment where “Lisa” is staying but finds a different girl there instead. Unbeknownst to him, this “Lisa” is actually an actress named Alex who is dating Luke (by coincidence?). In flashbacks we see that she was a good friend of Lisa who was secretly obsessed with Matt. So when Matt asks Lisa to move to NYC with him and Lisa balks (for reasons unknown) and coincidentally also gets a crazy urgent request to move to Europe it results in Alex playing a dastardly game of telephone where she deceives both of them into believing the other wronged them. In the present day, Matt sleeps with Alex (who he thinks is Lisa (but not that Lisa)), but almost immediately starts to get suspicious. In the meantime the real Lisa realizes that Matt is looking for her and tries her best to get him to meet her in… you know where. Ultimately Matt revelased Alex’s deception, chases Lisa to the airport, and they smooch right after he brushes away his GF and is all like “uh, I didn’t even go to China cause I suck.” THE END.
Confused? It’s actually not all that confusing because it’s actually just very silly. A lot of silly coincidences occur that keep Lisa and Matt apart. Like, think about the chances that Alex ends up dating Luke just when Lisa has returned to NYC and Matt runs into his old friend and starts hanging out with him? Or that Lisa has to leave for Europe within the hour just when Matt has asked her to move in with him? This is Coincidences: The Movie. The stakes also seemed very low. Just a bunch of silly people duping each other in mostly harmless ways and then everything working out. Acting was good though and the soundtrack is great. I do wish they made more films like this, but I’d suggest adding some thrills.
Very quick Hot Take Clam Bake. Josh Hartnett is the villain of the film. You had one job, man. Your future brother-in-law gave you the big job of closing the China deal. You are a low confidence weenie, but he believes in you. He honestly sounds like a great future bro-in-law and you could have a beautiful professional and personal relationship with him. But no, you totally leave him hanging. At least have the common decency to let someone (anyone!) know. Does it say something about me that this was the most stressful and memorable aspect of the film for me? I couldn’t stop thinking about that meeting and this idiot’s complete lack of professionalism. Lisa probably drops him like a hot potato once she finds out about the China Fiasco. She would probably be horrified by his behavior. Hot Take Temperature: Smoky Adobo.
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Wicker Park? More like Sick and Dark, amirite? Remember when you could make a film about sad people walking around Chicago for two hours and then just end a film in the cheesiest possible way? Those were the days. Let’s go!
Two movies in a row where if someone asked me “should I watch this movie” I would scream “hellllllllllllls naw.” These films are bad (per se), that would make me recommend them (natch). They are just in the middle and kind of nothing.
And this is the king of the nothing film. There once was a time long ago where independent cinema became infatuated with stories that roamed across a city filled with greys and browns. Tired of that corporate humdrum the protagonists searched for the dream girl who could unlock the arteeeeest within them and allow them to live that bohemian lifestyle they truly aspire for.
Or something like that. The films, in reality, tended to wax poet about nothing for 90 minutes, and this is no exception.
I will say that I found this film to be anxiety inducing. Harnett misses not one but possibly three flights to China? He’s missing meetings. People are calling him. People are surprised he is there (and not, you know … in China). I can’t even imagine what is happening at Faceless Corporate Media HQ. “We missed what meeting? But we sent Harnett. Get Harnett on the horn now! Oh no, something horrible must have happened to Harnett, call the hospitals.” Meanwhile, Harnett is just sleeping in random hotel rooms trying to avoid his fiance and narrowly missing his ex. The movie might as well be called Patrick’s Anxiety Nightmare. Harnett goes to a play and misses his third flight to China! Why are you going to a play?! Go to China you lunatic! People are relying on you! You made a whole sales pitch about … something I’m sure was important. All a waste. What a shame.
I suppose the only interesting thing about it is the twisty twistiness. They did feel the need to layer coincidence upon coincidence upon coincidence until the whole story fell apart around Rose Byrne and her unrequited love.
And then as mentioned you get the cheesy ending where (presumably) Hartnett and his lady love live a poor bohemian lifestyle in the Wicker Park area of Chicago.
I thought Hartnett, as usual, was solid. If you are into these kinds of movies (and/or live in the year 2000) I can see why it could be a three out of four star affair. Which is what Ebert gave it. There is a compelling argument there. But not really my cup of tea overall.
A natural A+ Setting (Where?) for Wicker Park in Chicago. And a decent case for Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that Rose Byrne was behind all of the bad things in Harnett’s life. Closest to Bad just because it is boring, but I could entertain an argument for something else (although I’d never watch this film again, so it better be a good argument).
Hear all about the sequel to Wicker Park: Wicker Park 2: Huangpu Park. Cheerios,
Bad Movie Twins 