Money Train! Now this… this is a movie. It’s a Wonderful Life? Bah! That ain’t nothing. When it’s Xmas I wan’t one thing and one thing only: Money Train. The Train is filled with money. Are you following me? It’s especially filled with money on New Year’s Eve… get it? Our boys are one half karate master and one half dopey gambling addict. Guess what happens next? It’s Money Train. More like BMT Train choo choo. All aboard.
Let’s recap, it’s Money Train choo choo all aboard. Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson are brothers. Both are transit cops in NYC running sting operations to take down muggers. When one of the operations go south and the special force used to protect the “money train” blows away a kid, they get in hot water with the captain who just wants to protect dat money. We learn that Harrelson is a fuck-up, always getting bailed out by Snipes. His latest fuck-up is going deep in debt to the mob, but Snipes promises they’ll get paid back. Meanwhile, they get assigned a new partner, JLo, who is looking hot and steamy. Through the holidays there are all kinds of shenanigans. Harrelson gets and promptly loses all the money needed to pay off the mob. Snipes and JLo have a steamy tryst which makes Harrelson sad. They learn a bunch about the money train and how one might steal from it (which is helpful to the audience who will, spoiler alert, have to follow such a heist later in the film). Finally they track down and explode a serial arsonist called The Torch (word). That last part, particularly the part where they explode a criminal, gets Harrelson and Snipes fired. Harrelson decides to rob the money train but just can’t help but tip off Snipes who runs to his rescue. Just when things are looking real bad for Harrelson, Snipes shows up and they are off and running trying to escape. It’s a big time climax where the captain does a bunch of illegal stuff that can get people killed while Snipes and Harrelson figure a way to prevent their money train from destroying everything in its path like a glorious money torpedo. They finally are able to trip up the train and just as it derails they jump to another train and make their escape. We finish with them arguing about the money gearing up for Money Train 2: It’s a Boat Now (sadly, not the case). THE END.
I LOVED THE MOVIE. It is crazy bonkers. Robert Blake is the craziest antagonist this side of the Mississippi and yet everyone pretends all the crazy stuff that is happening is no big deal… just a normal day in Money Train land. It’s perfect. Even the parts that aren’t perfect are perfect. Like Harrelson looks like a crazy person and the idea that he would look at JLo and be like “Yo, Snipes, clear out,” is glorious. Snipes learning that his brother fucked up with the mob so his solution is to go into their strip club and beat them all up with kung fu (a skill never used before or after by the character) is glorious. Did I mention JLo looking so good that they should have stopped the movie and been like “uh, she’s the star, right? Like what are we doing? Get everyone out of here, JLo is now the star.” Glorious. BMT perfection and you can’t convince me otherwise.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Speaking of JLo, what is she doing with these bozos? Sure, Snipes is looking great in this film. I would guess this might even be peak Snipes. But still, you’re a NYC transit cop. What are you doing rooting for Snipes and his fuck-up brother to rob the money train? Arrest those fools, get a much cooler boyfriend, and keep being a great cop. This is the big problem with the film. I don’t root for bad guys. This is why Money Train 2 would have to be JLo going undercover with the FBI to nab Snipes and Harrelson. But then at the very end she lets them go, only to have Money Train 3 be a twist-em-up where the FBI comes to her and is like “there is this terrorist group transporting guns on their gun train, do you know anyone who could stop them? Any train robbers?” and JLo is like “uh, cha… I just might know a couple people.” And then in the end they are all about fambly and shit… wait, what was I talking about? Hot Take Temperature: Banana Pepper.
‘Ello everyone! Chooooooo choooooooo you sound like a big ol’ Money Train. Let’s go!
- Helllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllls yeah.
- Money train baby! Let’s see.
- Christmas movie. CHECK. This is an incredible Christmas movie. The entire movie takes place almost in the week between Christmas and New Years complete with Christmas decorations and gifts and a white Christmas in New York.
- New Years movie. CHECK. This is also amazingly an incredible New Years movie. Dare I say it? It is the BEST New Years movie. The movie pretty much ends right at the New Year. The New Year plays a huge role in the plot. The movie ends in Times Square itself! I think this is it. I think I will watch this movie every New Years and time it so that our heroes pop out of the subway and into Times Square at precisely midnight.
- Train movie. CHECK. Choo choo mother f-er, that’s the sound of a ludicrous looking NYC money train. It’s got beefy guards. It’s got bars on the windows. And it’s got millions of dollars ready to be robbed by our no good gambling addict hero. Choo choo!
- Sorry boys, but that’s the triple threat. We have a leader in the best BMT of the year in the club house. And I honestly would be a little shocked to see it supplanted.
- I didn’t like Woody Harrelson very much in this. There was something a little off with him. Maybe he isn’t a very believable New Yorker? Maybe. I kept on thinking you needed someone who was more of a fuck up due to being an addict you know? Harrelson was channeling his Cheers character and seemed like a fuck up because he was a moron. All the way down to his terrible heist plan.
- Wesley Snipes was a bit of a revelation on the other hand. I didn’t much like him in Rising Sun. It felt like instead of giving him a character they just expected Snipes to act as himself mostly. In this though I thought he was great. Very charismatic and his chemistry with J-Lo was also great. Also he’s a really good martial artist and they knew how to showcase that.
- And J-Lo was great. It isn’t a wonder that she was one of the main strong points that critics pointed to even in the bad reviews.
- The entire plot is ludicrous, but that’s what you want. You want it to basically be The Rock. Don’t overthink these things.
- The major flaw in the film I think was the entire arsonist storyline. There is a tighter script here where the person they are chasing is instead a guy they think is going to rob the Money Train. And the entire time Harrelson is talking about how easy it would be to rob it, so this guy isn’t going to be some mastermind. He’s going to be an idiot with nothing to lose … and then they end up finding the guy dead or something. And Harrelson gets fired and realizes he can basically pull off the heist himself since no one knows the real culprit is dead. Suddenly the B-plot and the A-plot converge and that’s the beauty of a heist film right? I think it’s better at least. The arsonist storyline is just stupid.
- A decent Product Placement (What?) for some very conspicuous Budweiser placement. A very very Setting as a Character (Where?) for New York City, all the way down to the very real (apparently) money train. A double dose of Secret Holiday Film (When?) for both Christmas and New Years. Wait, is this an A+ MacGuffin (Why?) for the titular Money Train? Borderline but I’ll give it to them. And this is so BMT it came around and because even more BMT!
Check out the sequel Money Train 2: Offline in the Quiz. Cheerios,