“Home sweet home,” Patrick says, looking around at their Delaware mansion. Jamie pulls the shrink wrap off the Citizen Kane DVD and pops it into the player. But before the magic of cinema can wash over them, the doorbell rings. Jamie is annoyed. His first post, “Citizen Kane: Hot or Not?” won’t write itself and he could feel the genius flowing. “Uh, Jamie,” Patrick says from the front door, “you might wanna come see this.” Jamie snaps his laptop shut in disgust, but when he gets to the front door he gasps. A large crowd of people have gathered on the lawn. “Seems like the video of us kicking that guy off the train went viral,” Patrick says. Out of the crowd comes the Mayor. He grabs them by the hands and faces the cameras. “Ladies and Gentlemen, these boys here saved the train!” Everyone cheers. “Not only that, but I reckon this viral video could save the town. Really pump up the volume on local tourism. That’s why I’ve come here to ask the Good Movie Twins to help promote our latest venture, the local racetrack.” Everyone looks on hopefully. “We really have to get back to Citizen Kane,” Jamie says gruffly, but before he can head back inside Patrick grabs his shoulder and exclaims loudly, “But before then we’d be happy to help.” The crowd erupts. An hour later Jamie and Patrick find themselves at the track. Patrick squints his eyes, “Where are the horses?” he asks, confused. “That’s just it, we don’t have any,” the mayor admits. At that, inspiration hits and Patrick take out the Good Movie Twins rulez to change Rule #4 to read, “Animals”. Easy enough. “Horses, coming right up,” they say, putting on their sunglasses, “and these horses are gonna be fresh.” That’s right! We are watching *checks notes* Fresh Horses… wait, that can’t be right. Let’s go!
Fresh Horses (1988) – BMeTric: 24.1; Notability: 28
StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 15.6%; Notability: top 13.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Mac and Me, Caddyshack II, Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Poltergeist III, Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, Johnny Be Good, Alien from L.A., Arthur 2: On the Rocks, My Stepmother Is an Alien, Big Top Pee-wee, Red Scorpion, Cocoon: The Return, Two Moon Junction, Critters 2, Hot to Trot, Return of the Killer Tomatoes!, 976-EVIL, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, Short Circuit 2, Action Jackson, and 19 more; Higher Notability: Action Jackson, Sunset, High Spirits, Big Top Pee-wee, Caddyshack II, My Stepmother Is an Alien, Moving, Cocoon: The Return, The Couch Trip, License to Drive, Vibes, Cocktail, Arthur 2: On the Rocks, Hot to Trot, The Seventh Sign, Mac and Me, Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Bad Dreams, The Presidio, Short Circuit 2, and 13 more; Notes: Yeah it got 0% on RT so naturally nothing is beating that. I’m shocked by the Notability. But I suppose when you have had 35 years to make people famous having 30 famous people involved in your movie is almost inevitable? Then again, only 33 or so films had higher that year. The 80s were a wild time where this was definitely a major release and yet until this very moment I had no idea this movie existed.
Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars – Collegian McCarthy, engaged to a wealthy dullard, falls for Ringwald’s underage no-no, a semi-shantytramp who lives across the river from his Cincinnati campus. Slightly better than expected, thanks to fine Midwest location work from the director of Hoosiers. Ringwald isn’t totally convincing in the kind of role Gloria Grahame invented.
(First, loving the non-word “semi-shantytramp”. Also loving the name drop of Gloria Grahame. Only made better by having just watched It’s a Wonderful Life where … I guess that’s what he’s talking about. Regardless, given her character in that film I can definitely understand the reference despite not having seen any of her other major roles.)
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POguCw3CIhc/
(Jesus Christ. I suppose it should be mentioned he’s engaged at the start of the film, she’s 16, and the whole film is insanity. What is the opposite of being hyped for a film? The Anti-Money Train?)
Directors – David Anspaugh – ( Known For: Rudy; Hoosiers; The Game of Their Lives; WiseGirls; Little Red Wagon; Future BMT: Moonlight and Valentino; BMT: Fresh Horses; Notes: Won two Emmys for Hill Street Blues. Was apparently personally recommended for USC film school by Jack Nicholson.)
Writers – Larry Ketron – ( Known For: Permanent Record; Vital Signs; The Only Thrill; BMT: Fresh Horses; Notes: Contributed to the TV Movie Ghost Cat in 2004.)
Actors – Molly Ringwald – ( Known For: The Breakfast Club; Sixteen Candles; Pretty in Pink; The Kissing Booth; Siberia; The Kissing Booth 3; The Kissing Booth 2; The Pick-up Artist; King Cobra; Tempest; SPF-18; King Lear; Betsy’s Wedding; Office Killer; Malicious; Cowboy Up; Cut; All These Small Moments; Strike It Rich; Bad Night; Future BMT: Not Another Teen Movie; Teaching Mrs. Tingle; Jem and the Holograms; Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone; For Keeps?; BMT: Fresh Horses; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actress for Betsy’s Wedding in 1991; Notes: Was a John Hughes staple of the 80s. I always assumed she was way more famous than she actually was because I watched The Breakfast Club so many times as a kid.)
Andrew McCarthy – ( Known For: Pretty in Pink; St. Elmo’s Fire; The Spiderwick Chronicles; Weekend at Bernie’s; Less Than Zero; The Joy Luck Club; The Good Guy; Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle; Only You; Quiet Days in Clichy; Main Street; Stag; Getting In; I Woke Up Early the Day I Died; New Waterford Girl; Night of the Running Man; Camp Hell; The Beniker Gang; Things I Never Told You; Waiting for the Moon; Future BMT: Class; Mulholland Falls; Heaven Help Us; Year of the Gun; Kansas; BMT: Mannequin; Fresh Horses; Weekend at Bernie’s II; Notes: One of the eight original members of the Brat Pack. Emelio Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Rob Lowe, Judd Nelson, him, Molly Ringwald, Ally Sheedy, … that’s all I got. Sheen isn’t actually one, and I was missing Anthony Michael Hall, Demi Moore)
Patti D’Arbanville – ( Known For: Real Genius; Morning Glory; World Trade Center; Time After Time; Bilitis; Celebrity; The Extra Man; The Boys Next Door; Big Wednesday; Modern Problems; Rancho Deluxe; The Main Event; Flesh; Call Me; The Fifth Floor; Personal Velocity; Hog Wild; Happy Tears; L’Amour; Future BMT: The Fan; Wired; BMT: I Know What You Did Last Summer; Perfect Stranger; Fresh Horses; Fathers’ Day; Notes: Apparently she’s the one being referred to in the Cat Stevens song Lady D’Arbanville. Was married to Terry Quinn for a long time … which has only occurred to me now is not Terry O’Quinn from Lost.)
Budget/Gross – $14 million / Domestic: $6,640,346 (Worldwide: $6,640,346)
(How … how did this movie make $6 million. It makes no sense. I dare anyone to find someone who watched this film in theaters when it came out.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/6)
(Oh I get to make a consensus: What the hell did I just watch? Is this a movie? Am I alive? Where am I? Who am I? What are words? What is life?)
Reviewer Highlight: Bad bad bad, stunningly bad. – Nell Minow, Movie Mom
Poster – Dope Horses
(Egad! This poster has me thinking this film is an elaborate joke of some kind. That one is a solid C-. Super pretentious, but is it wrong that I kinda like the bold purple with the black and white picture and simple yellow lettering? The colors are… fresh.)
Tagline(s) – Love doesn’t have to last a lifetime. (C+)
(Huh… I mean it certainly gets to the point. Almost gives away what should be left to the audience. Not clever either, but it’s more interesting than it should be. It feels intriguing, which is something.)
Keyword(s) – good
Top 10: Good Will Hunting (1997), The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013), Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), The Great Gatsby (2013), Hot Fuzz (2007), Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016), The Wizard of Oz (1939), Man on Fire (2004), The Nice Guys (2016)
Future BMT: 67.4 Phat Girlz (2006), 63.2 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 60.6 Like a Boss (2020), 56.2 The Fly II (1989), 51.7 Playing with Fire (2019), 51.6 The Boss (2016), 51.0 Johnny Be Good (1988), 50.6 The Hot Chick (2002), 49.9 Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), 48.4 Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007), 47.1 Barney’s Great Adventure (1998), 45.1 Fly Me to the Moon 3D (2007), 44.9 Fantastic Four (2005), 40.4 No Good Deed (2014), 39.4 Good Burger (1997), 37.2 The Great Wall (2016), 37.0 Stroker Ace (1983), 36.3 Milk Money (1994), 34.7 Mad Money (2008), 34.3 Mo’ Money (1992)
BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Cool as Ice (1991), Cool World (1992), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), Hot Pursuit (2015), One for the Money (2012), Fire Down Below (1997), Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998), Fire Birds (1990), Good Luck Chuck (2007), Be Cool (2005), Chill Factor (1999), Money Train (1995), Hot to Trot (1988), The Golden Child (1986), Righteous Kill (2008), Sweet Home Alabama (2002), The Wizard (1989), Fresh Horses (1988), Hunter Killer (2018)
Best Options (Romance): 49.9 Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), 37.0 Stroker Ace (1983), 36.3 Milk Money (1994), 32.1 Good Deeds (2012), 24.4 Fresh Horses (1988), 21.6 For Love or Money (1993), 19.1 Other People’s Money (1991), 14.3 Sweet November (2001), 12.0 Great Expectations (1998), 10.6 A Good Year (2006)
(Arthur 2 is going to be done in a few weeks. The rest are more like … comedies with romantic elements maybe? Milk Money for sure is about kids hiring prostitutes, not exactly traditional romance.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Andrew McCarthy is No. 2 billed in Fresh Horses and No. 1 billed in Mannequin, which also stars Estelle Getty (No. 3 billed) who is in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (No. 2 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 1) + (3 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch Little Fockers we can get the HoE Number down to 15.
Notes – The film was made and first released about two years after its source stage play by Larry Ketron had been first performed Off Broadway on 11th February 1986 at the WPA Theatre in New York where it starred in its lead roles Craig Sheffer and Suzy Amis. They are played in the movie by Andrew McCarthy and Molly Ringwald respectively. Larry Ketron penned this screen adaptation of his own play.
The meaning and relevance of the title phrase ”Fresh Horses” is that it is a term used for horses that riders use to replace their tired horses during a long ride. This is referred to by Tipton, who argues at one point that men have an urge to want to switch out their tired used up horses for fresh unridden ones, horses meaning women in this case.
One of the few PG-13 rated movies that allowed the use of the word f-word more than one time and still maintain its rating. Neither use was in a sexual connotation.
Second and final of two theatrical feature film collaborations of actor Andrew McCarthy and actress Molly Ringwald who had both previously starred together in the 1980’s hit movie ‘Pretty In Pink’ (1986) about a couple of years earlier.
Mary Stuart Masterson was attached to star in the lead female role of Jewel with her father Peter Masterson attached to direct the film according to an article published in the 20th March 1987 edition of show-business trade-paper ‘Daily Variety’. However, neither ended up working on the picture with the Columbia Pictures studio executives going for the re-teaming of the stars of ‘Pretty in Pink’ (1986), who were Andrew McCarthy and Molly Ringwald.
Allan Marcil, executive producer on the picture, according to the film’s production notes, wanted to shoot the picture near the Ohio-Kentucky border region where his wife grew up. This was because the geographic boundary provided a cultural and social dichotomy necessary to the story.
The song No Tomorrow by David Foster, Kenny Loggins, Arlene Matza and performed by George Hawkins is used during the end credits in the theatrical and the VHS version of the film.