Oh boy. One day I was wandering around rural Kentucky when all of a sudden I saw some funky fresh horses. My mind was literally blown and my head exploded (literally). Now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Fresh Horses?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Oh boy, Larkin is a brainiac at the University of Cincinnati, and he’s just got quite the life set up … that is, until he goes to that one party. How do him and Ben Stiller hear about the party?
2) At the everlasting house party Larkin meets Jewel and they are just immediately head over heels. Two problems though … what are the two issues that Ben Stiller ultimately brings up to Larkin about Jewel?
3) Hmmmm, unfortunate. More unfortunate: Larkin, still wants to be with Jewel because he lerrrrrrrrrvs her. Soon after Larkin gets in a big old fight with someone at that same everlasting house party. Over what?
4) Around the same time Larkin is thrown out of his house. Why, and where does he ultimately go to live?
5) In the end Jewel and Larkin don’t end up together. What happens to them?
Bonus Question: When Larkin returns to his job he’s toiling away when he gets a knock at his door. Who is it?
Answers
1) They have a third friend! This third friend is kind of an asshole. But fun fact: his brother is an undercover cop. He says this many many times. He really wants you to know that his brother is an undercover cop. And he knows about this everlasting house party that is just the jam out in the sticks. That’s how they hear about the party.
2) Well, one issue is that she’s married. Whoops! Well, a little adultery never hut anyone … I mean, the psycho husband has probably hurt a bunch of people, but adultery itself is a concept that can’t physically hurt anything. The second and slightly more concerning bit of information is that Jewel is 16. Yeah … Larkin, you are like 21 brother. Run! Don’t look back. There are definitely fresher horses around.
3) Well over Jewel of course! And more specifically (and yeah, this is why this movie isn’t very rewatchable), because a guy propositions him to pay to have a go at her. It isn’t a good look for anyone, but is definitely isn’t a good look for Larkin’s face which gets pounded in.
4) So Larkin decides to bring Jewel over to his parent’s house one night and they make a big commotion because Jewel wants to (reasonably) know why he still has a framed picture of his ex-fiancee lying around. Well, it seems like Larkin is on thin ice, because that’s the last straw. He goes and lives in an abandoned railroad depot (literally on the wrong side of the tracks, get it?).
5) Larkin seemingly gets a job doing some chemical engineering stuff up in northern Ohio (obvs). Jewel goes back to school, gets a new beau, and looks to be living it up in the city. In other words: all of this heartache and pain was basically just to get Jewel a divorce so that she could move on.
Bonus Answer: “Oh my god, are you film and akito mega-star Stephen Seagal?! “Yes, and I’m three-quar … I mean, half-past dead, ever heard of it?” Stephen all of a sudden looks very nervous. “But … I’ve never died before, what do you need me for?” Larkin says, confused. “We need your beautiful chemistry mind,” says Seagal. “We?” “Uh … I mean, just me, film mega-star Stephen Seagal.” Something doesn’t seem quite right to Larkin, but his beautiful mind can’t resist a good chemical engineering puzzle. When Stephen shows him the Half Past Dead formula Larkin can only be intrigued. “This appears to be some sort of eastern medicine, I’ve heard about such things from movies like On Deadly Ground. So it seems like it is mostly the essence of some herbal mumble mumble mumble.” That’s the sound Eeeeeeevil Stephen Seagal likes to hear. Bartok Jr. will definitely be pleased. Weeks later at the pilot plant Eeeeeeeevil Seagal is impressed, and Larkin is talking a mile a minute. “The key appeared to be akito mastery and a connection to the earth. It really is rather fascinating.” Just then Bartok Jr. comes in and dips his hand right into the vat of Half Past Dead formula, “Delicious, this is exactly what we need … to take over the world!” “What-what-what!?” Larkin says, and BANG. Before he can react Bartok Jr. has shot him dead and sprinkled some Half Past Dead juice on his corpse which immediately reanimates. “Alright Eeeeeeevil Larkin, how long until we can get this formula into every home in the country.” Buh buh buh.
Wow, who would have thought the sequel to The Fly III: Half Past Fly would be Fresher Horses, an illogical direct sequel detailing the grand and very eeeeevil plan of Bartok Jr. to take over the world with eeeeeevil Half Past Dead minions.
Bad Movie Twins 