The beautiful lady introduces herself as Samantha and Patrick can tell by the look in Jamie’s eyes that he’s already a goner. Patrick looks at Jamie’s half horse costume and wonders whether “The Eyes are the Window to the Soul” lesson has already gone too far off the tracks. Although, the way that Samantha is eying how the horse’s costume behind hugs Jamie’s own behind makes Patrick think that all is not lost. He sidles up to Jamie and whispers out of the side of his mouth, “I hope you got jorts under that horse costume, cause we’re gonna razzle dazzle with a patented Twin California Two Step.” Before Jamie can nod, Kyle sidles up on his other side and whispers, “Hope you guys know the Triplet Ohio Three Step, cause we’re all in this together.” This is thoroughly confusing. As everyone knows, there is no Triplet Ohio Three Step and Kyle has never danced in his life. Before they can utter a “What thuuu…,” though, Samantha grabs Jamie’s arm and alerts him to the music cue indicating that their time on stage is now. “This is really important to me,” she says breathlessly and no more convincing is needed to get Jamie and Samantha galloping their way to the stage. “Welp, Kyle, good thing the Twin California Two Step has a variation involving a horse.” With that they jump on to stage and “razzle dazzle” would be an understatement. The crowd is stunned. The horse is grooving while Patrick flings Kyle from one side of the catwalk to the other. Just as they are about to finish, though, Jamie bursts from the costume and grabs Patrick by his jean jacket. “What’s the deal, man, you trying to steal my girl?” Looks like things are about to get rough. That’s right! We are actually doubling up for next week by watching not just 2017’s Fist Fight, but also 2017’s The Dark Tower. Why? Is there some hidden connection between these two apparently unrelated films? Nope. They are indeed unrelated. It’s just that we needed Fist Fight for a connection to Fool’s Paradise and I couldn’t handle not watching the Stephen King adaptation disaster. So why not both? Let’s go!
The Dark Tower (2017) – BMeTric: 47.8; Notability: 51
StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 10.8%; Notability: top 6.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 5.6%; Higher BMeT: The Emoji Movie, Jeepers Creepers III, Fifty Shades Darker, Death Note, Tubelight, Rings, The Bye Bye Man, Day of the Dead: Bloodline, Snatched, Transformers: The Last Knight, The Humanity Bureau, Leatherface, The Layover, The Snowman, Amityville: The Awakening, Flatliners, Geostorm, The Circle, Wish Upon, The Mummy, and 7 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: The Last Knight, Justice League, Sandy Wexler, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, The Mummy, The Emoji Movie, King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, Bright, The Current War, Geostorm, CHIPS, Tulip Fever, Suburbicon, Baywatch, American Assassin; Lower RT: Naked, The Layover, Flatliners, Hangman, The Emoji Movie, The Snowman, Rings, Tulip Fever, American Renegades, Fifty Shades Darker, Day of the Dead: Bloodline, The Vanishing of Sidney Hall, First Kill, The Mummy; Notes: I already ran through the top ones in the Fist Fight preview. I’ll say, a little surprised Amityville: The Awakening could even drum up enough interest to get a halfway decent BMeT. There’s 15K votes on IMDb, which seems absurd. It is just one of the many random Amityville “sequels” made in the last 10 years.
RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.” With that great opening line, an obsession began for millions of readers of Stephen King’s series of books that would eventually be known as The Dark Tower. … I only mention all of this to place the failure of the long-delayed “The Dark Tower” in the right perspective: this isn’t just a mediocre movie—although it is most definitely that—it is a wasted opportunity to fulfill the promise of that opening line from 35 years ago. … “The Dark Tower” is hollow. It is soulless. It is a film that never quite figured out what it wanted to be, and so elected to be nothing much at all. Worst of all, it’s clearly been chopped up by those reported reshoots and test screening edits.
(This review appears to be from a genuine fan who was somewhat distraught by what the movie was. Which is interesting. I have heard the last part of the series gets a bit wonky, so that does seem to bear it out. The first is kind of a world building exercise. Then there is an excellent sci-fi- trilogy, and then a wonky concluding almost-meta trilogy I think.)
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZC5FoJ-cPU/
(Looks pretty okay, and got some good actors. Doing a decent job hiding the fact that the main character is actually the kid … which causes some issues for the film I feel like. Should have started from the first book honestly.)
Directors – Nikolaj Arcel – ( Known For: A Royal Affair; The Promised Land; Kongekabale; De fortabte sjæles ø; Truth About Men; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: )
Writers – Akiva Goldsman – ( Known For: A Beautiful Mind; I Am Legend; I, Robot; Cinderella Man; A Time to Kill; The Client; Future BMT: The Da Vinci Code; Angels & Demons; The Divergent Series: Insurgent; Practical Magic; Silent Fall; BMT: Batman & Robin; Batman Forever; Transformers: The Last Knight; The Dark Tower; The 5th Wave; Lost in Space; Winter’s Tale; Rings; Notes: From the man who butchered I, Robot I suppose. He seems like a guy who is often brought in for heavy adaptations. Won an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind.)
Jeff Pinkner – ( Known For: The Amazing Spider-Man 2; Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle; Jumanji: The Next Level; Future BMT: Venom; BMT: The Dark Tower; The 5th Wave; Notes: Classic career. Went from 90s television, to regular script work, to now being enlisted for big adaptations of random franchises. He’s apparently writing an adaptation of the cartoon M.A.S.K. It seems quite far along, has other writers and a director attached including Michael Chabon.)
Anders Thomas Jensen – ( Known For: Brothers; Antichrist; The Duchess; Riders of Justice; Adam’s Apples; The Salvation; In a Better World; After the Wedding; The Green Butchers; Flickering Lights; In China They Eat Dogs; Love Is All You Need; Men & Chicken; Red Road; Brothers; Open Hearts; Gamle mænd i nye biler; The Promised Land; Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself; Mifune; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: Oh he wrote The Promised Land. That is supposed to be quite good. Stars Mads Mikkelsen, and this guy actually kind of looks like him.)
Nikolaj Arcel – ( Known For: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo; Riders of Justice; A Royal Affair; Department Q: The Keeper of Lost Causes; Department Q: The Absent One; Department Q: A Conspiracy of Faith; The Promised Land; Kongekabale; Rejsen til Saturn; De fortabte sjæles ø; Fighter; Truth About Men; A Death Sentence; Cecilie; Future BMT: Catch That Kid; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: The Director of The Promised Land … I’m going to guess this wasn’t a super great experience in Hollywood. At least Arcel made Catch that Kid and a few other maybe more normal Hollywood experiences.)
Stephen King – ( Known For: The Shawshank Redemption; The Green Mile; The Shining; It; Stand by Me; The Mist; It Chapter Two; 1408; Misery; Doctor Sleep; Secret Window; Carrie; The Running Man; Carrie; Gerald’s Game; Pet Sematary; Pet Sematary; Christine; The Dead Zone; 1922; Future BMT: Children of the Corn; Thinner; Creepshow 2; Needful Things; Sleepwalkers; The Mangler; Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice; BMT: The Dark Tower; Dreamcatcher; The Lawnmower Man; Firestarter; Maximum Overdrive; Firestarter; The Rage: Carrie 2; Graveyard Shift; Notes: Our 9th King eh. And seven to go. I think we can knock that down to at least 5 this year. I remembering reading somewhere that the meta elements from these books grew out of his experience of almost dying after getting hit by a car in Maine.)
Actors – Idris Elba – ( Known For: Avengers: Infinity War; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Thor; Thor: Ragnarok; Thor: The Dark World; Prometheus; Zootopia; Pacific Rim; American Gangster; The Suicide Squad; Thor: Love and Thunder; Finding Dory; 28 Weeks Later; The Jungle Book; RocknRolla; Star Trek Beyond; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; Molly’s Game; Extraction II; The Losers; Future BMT: The Mountain Between Us; Takers; The Unborn; The Reaping; Prom Night; Obsessed; No Good Deed; Daddy’s Little Girls; The Gospel; BMT: The Dark Tower; Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance; Cats; The Gunman; Notes: Nominated for five Emmys, mostly for Luther. Was always swirling around as a possible Bond guy, and obviously quite famous for playing Stringer Bell in The Wire.)
Matthew McConaughey – ( Known For: Interstellar; The Wolf of Wall Street; Dallas Buyers Club; Tropic Thunder; The Gentlemen; Contact; How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days; The Lincoln Lawyer; Dazed and Confused; Sing; Mud; A Time to Kill; Magic Mike; Reign of Fire; Kubo and the Two Strings; Frailty; U-571; Sing 2; Killer Joe; Amistad; Future BMT: Sahara; Two for the Money; Paparazzi; Larger Than Life; My Boyfriend’s Back; BMT: The Dark Tower; Ghosts of Girlfriends Past; The Wedding Planner; Failure to Launch; Fool’s Gold; Serenity; Angels in the Outfield; Tiptoes; Notes: Famously a true blue Texas guy. He had the McConaughissaince a few years ago after years of doing romantic movies and being in the wilderness a bit, starting from winning the Oscar for Dallas Buyers Club. Now I think he mostly sells Lincolns? I was joking until I saw his upcoming projects, he’s kind of done nothing of note for the last few years and doesn’t have much upcoming either.)
Tom Taylor – ( Known For: The Kid Who Would Be King; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: Kid actor in this film, he’s been cast in the next season of House of the Dragon as a Stark.)
Budget/Gross – $60,000,000 / Domestic: $50,701,325 (Worldwide: $113,232,316)
(Pretty disastrous, at least bad enough that I’m not surprised they nixed all film and television projects related to it. Surprisingly low budget.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 15% (43/279): Go then, there are other Stephen King adaptations than these.
(Wow, 15% is quite a bit lower than I expected. And there certainly a lot of Stephen King adaptations to potentially avoid watching bad ones.)
Reviewer Highlight: About the only thing holding it together is Idris Elba, whose irrepressible magnetism and man-of-stone solidity anchors this mess but can’t redeem it. – Manohla Dargis, New York Times
Poster – The Dork Tower
(Inception, ever heard of it? Trying to incept our minds into thinking we want to see this film. C.)
Tagline(s) – There are other worlds than these (D)
(Cool story, bro.)
Keyword(s) – 2015-2023
Top 10: Avengers: Endgame (2019), Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Deadpool (2016), Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (2015), Parasite (2019), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), The Martian (2015), The Revenant (2015), Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)
Future BMT: 85.1 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 79.3 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.9 Black Christmas (2019), 76.1 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.6 The Grudge (2020), 73.6 The Turning (2020), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.6 Poltergeist (2015), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.0 Max Steel (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.3 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 64.7 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 63.4 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.7 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.2 Like a Boss (2020), 61.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015)
BMT: The Emoji Movie (2017), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Fantastic Four (2015), Holmes & Watson (2018), Fifty Shades of Black (2016), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Rings (2017), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Zoolander 2 (2016), The Gallows (2015), The Boy Next Door (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Fantasy Island (2020), The Exorcist: Believer (2023), Firestarter (2022), Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Moonfall (2022), After We Fell (2021), Blacklight (2022), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Morbius (2022), Hot Pursuit (2015), The 5th Wave (2016), Hellboy (2019), The Snowman (2017), Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021),…
Best Options (Fools Paradise): 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 48.2 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 44.7 Fist Fight (2017), 43.8 House Party (2023), 43.2 Underworld: Blood Wars (2016), 38.9 Masterminds (2015), 31.0 Wonder Park (2019), 30.4 Vacation (2015), 27.3 The Comedian (2016), 23.2 Secret in Their Eyes (2015), 18.7 Entourage (2015), 18.5 Peppermint (2018), 14.9 The Book of Henry (2017)
(And there’s the rub. You see, we wanted to do The Dark Tower, but we couldn’t fit it into the cycle as the 2017 entry because that had to be used in the Chain … so we cheated a bit and did it as a bonus. No regrets.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Idris Elba is No. 1 billed in The Dark Tower and No. 4 billed in Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch Two for the Money we can get the HoE Number down to 10.
Notes – The Dark Tower is a series of eight books which span an entire connected universe which links several other books and stories by Stephen King, including Bag of Bones, The Talisman, Black House, The Stand, Everything’s Eventual, From a Buick 8, Hearts in Atlantis, Insomnia, The Eyes of the Dragon, and ‘Salem’s Lot, with minor references to IT, The Mist, and The Shining.
During the first act of the film, several Stephen King Easter eggs are visible. The twins from The Shining (1980), the hotel from The Shining (but in a photograph), the family (including the dog) from Cujo (1983), and the car from Christine (1983) (as the toy pushed by Jake in his room) are each shown briefly. Toward the end, there is the Rita Hayworth picture from The Shawshank Redemption (1994). Not to mention the ‘Pennywise’ theme park. The portal that Jake’s told to remember as his way back is 1408, title of 1408 (2007).
According to an introduction by Stephen King in one of his books, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) along with the “Lord of the Rings” book series, is the primary influence for his book series: “The Dark Tower.”
Roland sees a TV commercial with talking raccoons and asks Jake if ‘animals still talk here’. This is a nod to the character Oy in the books; a talking raccoon-like creature called a Billy Bumbler whom Jake befriends.
Dr. Hotchkiss, Jake’s psychiatrist, has a picture in his office of the Overlook Hotel, from The Shining (1980), another film based on a Stephen King novel.
Bad Movie Twins 