Oh man, so get this. I was driving hope, where I got into a tiny accident where I rolled over sixteen times into a ravine. That wasn’t the issue. The issue was I was then attacked by a werewolf and now I’m losing time every night! And one of those nights I know I watched Cursed. Do you remember what happened in Cursed?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Oh shit. Tinsel looks dope. I almost want to go to Tinsel more than I want to go to Club Aqua. What is the theme of Tinsel?
2) And Ellie (Christina Ricci) has a dope job. Where does she work?
3) Welp, everyone is a werewolf. Not they have to find the werewolf that werewolfed them in the first place. But first, can you tell me how many werewolves are featured in the film?
4) They think they know who werewolfed them, but first Ricci has to do a pre-interview for a celebrity for her job. Who is that celebrity?
5) So who actually werewolfed them?
Bonus Question: Hmmmm an unlisted number on the cell. Who is it?
Answers
1) It appeared to be classic Universal monster films. And yeah, that obviously includes the Wolfman! Fun I suppose. It does look fucking dope.
2) She seriously works at the Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn. And yes there is a cameo for him. And yes, Ricci licks blood off his finger. It’s gross.
3) This is kind of a trick question. The answer is five. But hey (I hear you say) there is Ellie and Jimmy. Then Jake and Joanie. Who am I missing?! (You scream). The dog idiot! The dog also became a werewolf.
4) You know that Scott Baio was doing all kind of stuff back in 2004ish … hmmm, I guess maybe he was promoting Baby Geniuses 2? Now I need to go back and see if Jon Voight is creeping around in the back of any of the Late Late Show shots.
5) Joanie! They catch her at Tinsel and they goad her to getting shot all up by the police, hooray! Wait a second … this doesn’t seem right, they still seem to be werewolves. OH SHIT! It is actually Jake! I … well, yeah I figured he was the werewolf all along, but he just seemed sketchy. But yeah, double the twists baby.
Bonus Answer: Tom Cruise?! Wait, are we running back the Dark Universe? But using Cursed as a jumping off point … huh interesting. Well, obviously Cursed is kind of a comedic wolfman film. So we bring in Jesse Eisenberg as the Wolfman. And as director (Boom! Timely). The Mummy was mostly a comedy. No, not the Tom Cruise one, confusingly we are bringing in fat Brendan Fraser as (checks notes) Rick O’Connell. So we need something for Tom Cruise to do, and much like fat Russell Crowe, we are slotting him in as Dr. Jekyll. I think he could really play NUTS. And what a twist, Mr. Hyde? An olympic level sprinter, baby. So we really need someone to play a monster, and I think what I want is to dip right back into the “funny” well, and get Peter Boyle as Old Frankenstein’s Monster … what’s that? Peter Boyle’s been dead for nearly 20 years? Huh. Well, fine, let’s go with Daniel Radcliffe coming in as Igor, and then get someone like Dave Bautista as the monster. The story is simple, the monster has escaped and killed Victor Frankenstein, so Igor recruits the Dark Universe Crew to help collect him. But what a twist, the monster isn’t the monster. Igor and Victor (yup still alive) are the bad guys, and needed the monster to complete their plans to resurrect an undead army and take over England. Can the Dark Crew defeat Victor with the help of the good Prometheus?
Of course they can. It is called Frankenstein: Prometheus and there is nothing the Alien franchise can do about it!
Bad Movie Twins 