Cursed Recap

Jamie

It is weird that I have all this nostalgia for films of the late 90’s and early 2000’s and yet something like Cursed gets nothing. That nostalgia is rooted in the fact that we were watching EVERYTHING from that era. We would often pick up three movies from the video store every day. Every. Single. Day. Animated films, foreign films, Daredevil starring Ben Affleck. We were watching EVERYTHING. But not Cursed. Sure we weren’t the biggest Horror Heads in the world, but we were mostly not too discerning either. Like I remember renting Darkness Falls. We looked at Darkness Falls and thought, ‘sure, why not?’ But I guess we just thought Cursed wasn’t interesting enough… unlike Daredevil starring Ben Affleck.

To recap, Ellie is a segment producer on the Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn (for real) taking care of her brother Jimmy while he finishes high school. One night after dropping in on her boyfriend Jake’s new Club Haunted House (which is so dope that it’s hard to describe), they collide with a large animal and another car. When they go to try to help the other driver they are all attacked by the animal. They are able to escape but find that they have been bitten and begin to show monstrous characteristics. Jimmy is immediately like “we are werewolves,” but Ellie is less sure. Jimmy uses his werewolf powers to get one over on the bullies at his school, while Ellie has a bunch of weird things happen while trying to prep for a Scott Baio interview (for real). The next night their family dog is infected and goes on a rampage. Jimmy goes to tell Ellie at the grand opening of Club Haunted House and they all deduce that Jake is also a werewolf. He insists that he didn’t infect them, which is true. It was actually Ellie’s coworker Joanie, who was infected by Jake a while back. They battle Joanie and ultimately kill her. They think they are cured but find that they actually need to kill Jake for that to happen. Jake instead wants to kill Jimmy and live out their days as werewolves, but Ellie and Jimmy refuse and team up to kill him. THE END.

Oh no! I’ve been Wes Craven pilled I think. First it was New Nightmare where I started it and was like WTF, mate? But by the end I thought it was really rather funny and clever. Then I start up Cursed and it seems so predictable and the effects so bad and how they become werewolves is so weird and Joshua Jackson owns a club that is legitimately just the club Haunted House from I Think You Should Leave. I was like “what the hell is going on with this weird werewolf movie.” But by the end, you know what? He kinda got me again. I think it was the moment where the ‘bad guy’ comes out of the closet because of Jesse Eisenberg’s irresistible werewolf charm and then he turns out to be really cool and they are friends in the end. Or maybe it’s Craven’s ability to go meta with people like Scott Baio. Or maybe I just really want to go to Club Haunted House (maybe even more than Club Aqua). It’s like “wait, is this movie good?” It’s not, but it’s not all bad either.

Hot Take Clam Bake! While I want to go to Club Haunted House very badly, I have to break it to Jake… it ain’t happening. You’re probably like ‘Well, duh. A bunch of people got eaten by a werewolf at the Grand Opening.’ No. If anything that helps. You want street cred for Club Haunted House? How about a real werewolf shows up. I just mean that this is clearly the horror version of Planet Hollywood. Kinda like how the Dark Universe was the horror version of the Marvel Universe… and we know how that goes. So I guess I’ll phrase it like this: Club Haunted House will succeed the day that they announce The Mummy 2 with Tom Cruise. A boy can dream. Hot Take Temperature: spooky rattling chains.

Patrick? 

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Cursed. That’s what I think we might be now that we’ve melted our brains with 750 bad movies over the last 12 years. Let’s go!

Top Line: I don’t remember this film coming out. The cast is truly insane, so I don’t really know how it stayed off my radar though. And man, once we penciled it in I got rather excited. Frankenstein, zombies, mummies, vampires, werewolves. There is something very fun with collecting this films over the years. They go all the way back to the origin of cinema, so to see legitimately over 100 years of these classic movie monster and how they come to life in the 2000s is incredible.

Oh no not like that!

For real, the werewolf in this film ranges from the absurd (the beginning show is maybe one of the worst werewolf puppet work I’ve ever seen) to insane (some of the shots nearer to the end of the full body costume / CGI is crazy).

Speaking of, some of the worst CGI I’ve ever seen as well. The dog? THE DOG?!

And let’s just not really get started on the self-hating gay bully. I don’t like that one bit obviously.

I will say the film is crazy front to back, but I do wish once they realized how crazy it actually was that they had pulled the trigger on a twist that must have been discussed. Oh first I need to set something up: In the film Ricci works for the Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn. As part of this gig she has to do a pre-interview with (of all people) Scott Baio. He shows up later in the film. And near the end they are really pulling out all the stops to suggest any number of people could be the original werewolf. Could it be Joshua Jackson, or Judy Greer? But I really wish they had pulled the trigger on it being Scott Baio. I just love the idea of him playing himself and then in the end they kill Scott Baio and are like … wow that’s wild. Scott Baio was a werewolf.

Bottom Line: There are some funny ideas in the film. Like I do think the Eisenberg headfake is real. He becomes a werewolf, and typically I think he’s all like “The power … it feels good” and kind of becomes evil. But he doesn’t, he’s cooler like Teen Wolf, but he is still earnestly good the entire time. I likes that. Ricci and him were probably the only acting bright sports, although Judy Greer was clearly having a lot of fun.

I’m doing it, Product Placement (What?) for the Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn. This is a very very Setting as a Character (Where?) LA film, I’m not sure there has ever been a more LA film. There is never really a why to werewolf films right, it is just like a curse. Lame Twist (How?) alert for Joshua Jackson being the original werewolf. The most boring choice, should have been Scott Baio. I think this film is BMT, it is pretty entertaining, a little irreverent, and ultimately pretty fun, even if the CGI sucks.

Read all about the Cursed Dark Universe in the Quiz. Cheerios,

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