“That book was amazing,” Kyle says breathlessly as they leave Dick Computer’s office. “Can I read it?” The look of hope and wonder breaks Patrick’s heart. He explains that the book isn’t real. A classic delay tactic so that by the time they can deliver Platonic Solids Series Part III: Cubey or Not Cubey it will be long forgotten in the cascade of money and fame that the best entry in the series will bring. “Right… the best entry,” Jamie says, a nervous note entering his voice. Patrick isn’t ready to face even the idea of writer’s block, let alone the actual block itself. He’s never encountered such a thing, churning out several books a year under a variety of pen names. Suddenly that gives him an idea. Maybe working on something like Bad Movie Tribe was just the trick. Not Bad Movie Tribe itself, of course. He wouldn’t give Dick Computer the satisfaction. He huffs out loud as he recalls his demand that they shorten the imaginary book. Jamie was right. The perfect length for a book was 400 pages with 25 page chapters. You hit Chapter 13 and you know you’re sliding in for a good time. Jamie huffs in agreement as he is also at that moment remembering the insult. No, they wouldn’t give Dick Computer the satisfaction. In fact… “Jamie, can you bring up the list of books I’ve taken advances for in the last 18 months?” Patrick asks as they return to their apartment. Jamie pulls open the filing cabinet marked with a dollar sign and leafs through it. “What’s the smallest one?” Patrick asks. Jamie looks for a moment. “Uh, you got $4000 to write the introduction to a new media tie-in edition of a play for an upcoming remake of… Fresh Horses!?” That’s right! I know no prettier horse than our beloved Funky Fresh Horses. But alas, we have to watch All the Pretty Horses itself this week. It’s shocking that it qualifies given the pedigree, but the star and director both trashed the film after Miramax recut it. Recut a beloved book adaptation to make it more commercial? What could go wrong? Let’s go!
All the Pretty Horses (2000) – BMeTric: 32.8; Notability: 25
StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 22.4%; Notability: top 6.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 27.7%; Higher BMeT: Battlefield Earth, Dungeons & Dragons, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, Urban Legends: Final Cut, Baise-moi, Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth, Cruel Intentions 2, Highlander: Endgame, 102 Dalmatians, Dracula 2000, Leprechaun in the Hood, Supernova, Little Nicky, The Next Best Thing, Big Momma’s House, From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter, Get Carter, Beethoven’s 3rd, and 36 more; Higher Notability: Gone in Sixty Seconds, The 6th Day, Little Nicky, Get Carter, Dracula 2000, Next Friday, Dude, Where’s My Car?, Mission to Mars, Bless the Child, Pay It Forward, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Loser, Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, Romeo Must Die, Rules of Engagement, 28 Days; Lower RT: Beethoven’s 3rd, Fortress 2, Battlefield Earth, Down to You, Bless the Child, Lost Souls, Heavy Metal 2000, Dungeons & Dragons, Eye of the Beholder, The Skulls, Supernova, Get Carter, The Watcher, Boys and Girls, Highlander: Endgame, The Ladies Man, Urban Legends: Final Cut, Hanging Up, Red Planet, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, and 45 more; Notes: We’ve seen 11 of 20 of the top BMeT for 2000 which is pretty good. I think the next on the docket should be Nutty Professor 2, but you could convince me to watch the entire Beethoven series obviously.
RogerEbert.com – 3.5 stars – This is the kind of movie that’s best to see on a big screen, where the size of the sky and the colors of the land can do their work. It’s as if the events are bigger than the people–as if John Grady Cole will never again be such a reckless damn fool kid as he was during this year and will always sort of regret that.
(I do love when we get to do films that Ebert genuinely seemed to love. I can see it though. The book is amazing, and so it shouldn’t be a surprise that if you vibe with it you genuinely like the adaptation.)
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yygkQ8SjjQk/
(What is this music!? What the fuck haha? The film being advertised as a romance is kind of crazy. You have to know the book as almost being an anti-western anti-romance to know this is either an interesting adaptation or an absurd ad campaign. “Accused of a crime he didn’t commit” … didn’t he?)
Directors – Billy Bob Thornton – ( Known For: Sling Blade; Daddy and Them; Jayne Mansfield’s Car; BMT: All the Pretty Horses; Notes: Won an Oscar for writing Sling Blade, as was nominated for acting twice (A Simple Plan, and Sling Blade). This seemed to somewhat end his major directing career, but that’s possibly because he got pretty famous as an actor soon after.)
Writers – Ted Tally – ( Known For: The Silence of the Lambs; Red Dragon; The Father Clements Story; White Palace; 12 Strong; Shrek 2; Future BMT: The Juror; Before and After; BMT: All the Pretty Horses; Notes: Won an Oscar for The Silence of the Lambs. 12 Strong was the only thing he’s done recently, probably retired.)
Cormac McCarthy – ( Known For: The Road; The Sunset Limited; Child of God; The Gardener’s Son; No Country for Old Men; The Sunset Limited; Future BMT: The Counselor; BMT: All the Pretty Horses; Notes: Y’all know Cormac. He died only a few years ago. I need to read his other books though, this one was amazing.)
Actors – Matt Damon – ( Known For: Ocean’s Eleven; Ocean’s Twelve; Syriana; Ocean’s Thirteen; Saving Private Ryan; Good Will Hunting; The Talented Mr. Ripley; The Good Shepherd; The Departed; Rounders; Chasing Amy; Stuck on You; Dogma; The Bourne Supremacy; The Bourne Ultimatum; Gerry; Courage Under Fire; The Third Wheel; The Legend of Bagger Vance; Mystic Pizza; Future BMT: The Brothers Grimm; The Monuments Men; The Great Wall; Suburbicon; BMT: All the Pretty Horses; Notes: This being our first Damon seems crazy, but it is crazier he’s only been in four qualifying films. He really has just an incredible career, winding along into and out of A-list status. He now seems to do what he wants. He’s been nominated three times for acting (Good Will Hunting, Invictus, The Martian))
Henry Thomas – ( Known For: E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial; Desperation; Gangs of New York; Suicide Kings; Legends of the Fall; I’m with Lucy; Frog Dreaming; 11:14; The Last Sin Eater; Psycho IV: The Beginning; Valmont; Fire in the Sky; I Capture the Castle; Cloak & Dagger; The Quickie; Misfire: The Rise and Fall of the Shooting Gallery; Dead Birds; Suffering Man’s Charity; Niagara, Niagara; Misunderstood; Future BMT: Dear John; BMT: All the Pretty Horses; Notes: I have to be honest, I didn’t know he was in so much stuff. He’s still acting. He’s always been acting. He’s most recently been in the Fall of the House of Usher series.)
Lucas Black – ( Known For: Jarhead; The Miracle Worker; Cold Mountain; Killer Diller; Sling Blade; Friday Night Lights; Deepwater; Get Low; Unsung Hero; Seven Days in Utopia; 42; Promised Land; Our Friend, Martin; Furious 7; Ghosts of Mississippi; The X-Files; Flash; F9; Future BMT: Legion; Crazy in Alabama; The War; BMT: All the Pretty Horses; The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift; Notes: I guess semi-discovered by Billy Bob Thornton for Sling Blade. Again, him not being in more BMT films is the surprise. Ended up back in the Fast & Furious series finally, the third one is surprisingly fun.)
Budget/Gross – $57,000,000 / Domestic: $15,540,353 (Worldwide: $18,133,495)
(This is a huge disaster. The budget isn’t a surprise. Period piece with a lot of horse wrangling seems like a recipe for a flop.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 32% (32/100): This adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s novel comes off as rather flat and uninvolving. Scenes feel rushed and done in shorthand, and the romance between Damon and Cruz has no sparks.
(Well, again, the romance in the book is a little like that. There isn’t much as far as indicating they have the grand romance you think of in books like this. I do think if that was an intentional adaptation choice it is a mistake. You either ignore or lean into the romance, making it the way the book does makes it feel half-assed.)
Reviewer Highlight: Whether you’re familiar with the story or not, you’ll have trouble feeling connected to it. – Steven Rosen, Denver Post
Poster – All the Funky Fresh Horses
(A little too classic and, honestly, pretty to stir much emotion in me. I like the overall orange tone to it, but it’s just a very safe poster. It’s not bad. B)
Tagline(s) – Some passions can never be tamed. (A)
(Hmmm, interesting. I like it. I can definitely see how the marketing for the book probably rubbed people the wrong way. Make it into a teen love story essentially. But I like that this is working in the horses and love, etc. Ignoring the book, I think this is quite good.)
Keyword(s) – imdb-keyword-based-on-novel;based-on-book
Top 10: Fight Club (1999), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), The Wolf of Wall Street (2013), The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Shutter Island (2010), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006)
Future BMT: 74.9 The Turning (2020), 72.6 Zoom (2006), 70.2 London Fields (2018), 69.6 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 67.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 66.3 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.4 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 64.2 Valentine (2001), 59.5 The Big Bounce (2004), 58.1 Best Defense (1984), 57.9 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 55.5 Hanging Up (2000), 55.4 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 55.2 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.9 Abandon (2002), 53.3 The Stepford Wives (2004), 52.5 Addicted (2014), 50.8 Freedomland (2006), 50.0 Kull: The Conqueror (1997)
BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Cats (2019), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Jaws 3-D (1983), One Missed Call (2008), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), The Bye Bye Man (2017), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Striptease (1996), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), Firestarter (2022), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Tarot (2024), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), The Haunting (1999), Fair Game (1995), Eragon (2006), After We Fell (2021), North (1994), Monkeybone (2001), The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999), Conan the Barbarian (2011), After Ever Happy (2022), Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), An American Haunting (2005), The Snowman (2017), The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising (2007), Sliver (1993), Pinocchio (2002), The Musketeer (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Get Carter (2000), Exit to Eden (1994), After (2019), Alex Cross (2012), Queen of the Damned (2002), Congo (1995), …
Best Options (Romance): 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.9 Abandon (2002), 52.5 Addicted (2014), 46.0 Surviving Christmas (2004), 45.1 King Ralph (1991), 40.5 Admission (2013), 39.5 Stroker Ace (1983), 38.9 Intersection (1994), 36.6 The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement (2004), 34.8 Drive Me Crazy (1999), 34.4 How to Deal (2003), 33.8 Must Love Dogs (2005), 33.3 The Last Song (2010), 32.9 Mary Reilly (1996), 32.8 All the Pretty Horses (2000), 30.1 Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992), 30.0 What’s Your Number? (2011), 29.8 Nights in Rodanthe (2008), 28.8 The Love Letter (1999), 27.8 Dying Young (1991), 26.7 The Saint (1997), 26.5 The Nanny Diaries (2007), 24.6 Up Close & Personal (1996), 24.6 Dear John (2010), 23.8 Tulip Fever (2017), 22.3 Year of the Gun (1991), 21.7 The Giver (2014), 21.6 The Evening Star (1996), 21.6 The Lucky One (2012), 21.0 Charlie St. Cloud (2010), 18.9 Love in the Time of Cholera (2007), 18.3 2 Hearts (2020), 17.0 The Beach (2000), 16.2 Worth Winning (1989), 15.7 Feast of Love (2007), 15.3 Stanley & Iris (1990), 14.7 Not Easily Broken (2009), 14.2 The Best of Me (2014), 13.4 Where the Heart Is (2000), 12.5 Stella (1990), 11.5 Snow Falling on Cedars (1999), 10.7 Bicentennial Man (1999), 10.7 A Good Year (2006), 10.5 Redeeming Love (2022), 10.3 Labor Day (2013), 9.3 P.S. I Love You (2007), 9.2 One Day (2011), 7.8 The Time Traveler’s Wife (2009), 6.5 The Phantom of the Opera (2004), 5.5 Memoirs of a Geisha (2005), 4.7 The Ultimate Gift (2006)
(A lot of these are borderline. The one we probably had the best bet of getting “Now a Major Motion Picture” versions of the book would be Must Love Dogs. King Ralph being based on a book is reeeeeeeal borderline.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Penélope Cruz is No. 4 billed in All the Pretty Horses and No. 2 billed in Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (4 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch Sahara, and Two for the Money we can get the HoE Number down to 15.
Notes – In 2014, Billy Bob Thornton told Entertainment Weekly that the rumors of his original cut being somewhere in between 3 to 4h long were incorrect, but that his cut was 2:42h. He also mentioned that he still is in possession of his original version.
Jesse Plemons, who was cast as the younger version of John Grady Cole, didn’t know all his scenes had been removed from the final cut until he actually saw the film with friends and family.
Some attempts have been made to release a director’s cut DVD, but arrangements cannot be reached with the composer of the film’s music, Daniel Lanois. As part of the re-cut, Harvey Weinstein scrapped the original score and hired Marty Stuart. Lanois felt insulted, and has steadfastly refused to license his score (which, unusually, he owns) to any release of the film.
Cormac McCarthy visited the set during the making of the film. The author apparently spent little time fraternizing with the main cast and crew. He instead spent much of his visit discussing firearms with the prop master.
An assembly cut, which ran around 3 hours and 40 minutes, was shown to producers before the final edit was finished. They were told they were viewing an unfinished movie and not to make judgments. Billy Bob Thornton was still working on his final edit, but the studio wanted to see something. Thornton agreed to it, but regrets it to this day. Former Miramax marketing head Dennis Rice had this to say: “It was the most self-indulgent director’s cut I’d ever seen. It was like torture to watch that movie.” Thornton’s eventual edit ran around 2hrs 42m. Matt Damon and others that saw this final version thought it was a masterpiece. Wanting it even shorter, the studio took it away from Thornton, and cut to it’s final length of 1hr 56m. They also replaced a beautiful haunting music score by legendary music producer Daniel Lanois with a soundtrack by Marty Stewart. It broke everyone’s heart that had put so much love into the project. Thornton’s version has never been seen or released to the public.
Bad Movie Twins 