“I don’t think that’s what the phrase ‘An Eye for an Eye’ means,” Kyle chimes in. Patrick shakes his head ruefully at what a fool Kyle is. “It does in this case, Kyle,” he says smugly, an extremely smug smirk on his face. “Because he will give us the apple of our eye (the reboot of the century, Fresh Horses) in exchange for the irreplaceable eye of one of us for his other major motion picture he’s got in the pipeline.” Kyle assumes that Patrick must be referring to his own special eye for the art of mise-en-scène or Jamie’s perfect eye for 80’s style muscle montages. He’s shocked to find both Patrick and Jamie staring intently at him instead. “Who? Little ol’ me? I don’t think so. The only film I’d be any good at would be a sequel of…” he gasps. He doesn’t dare say what his heart and brain (and not, to be crude, but his loins) could hope for at this moment. He croaks something incomprehensible and Jamie and Patrick embrace him as he weeps like a small child. “It’s true, Kyle,” Patrick says tenderly. “Marty is making Mannequin 3: Movin’ and Groovin’. And he’s using your script.” Jamie nods along, having remembered that they had sent the script around town ages ago, but you know, these things can take a while. “He says he only put Fresh Horses ahead of it on his schedule because he heard you were busy with the Platonic Solids Series. I assume you want to do it?” Patrick asks and Kyle nods, still blubbering like a child. “So it’s settled, we’re directing Fresh Horses!” Jamie says gleefully. But another strange look has crossed Patrick’s face. “What is it?” Jamie asks. Patrick purses his lips. “It all just seems strangely… convenient.” That’s right! Patrick is getting a little paranoid and so are we as we watch Paranoia. Both Patrick and I have independently seen this film before. Why? Neither of us can remember. Good sign. Let’s go!
Paranoia (2013) – BMeTric: 44.2; Notability: 24
StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 8.8%; Notability: top 3.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 2.5%; Higher BMeT: Scary Movie 5, Movie 43, The Starving Games, After Earth, Getaway, Texas Chainsaw 3D, A Good Day to Die Hard, A Haunted House, Tarzan, Grown Ups 2, The Smurfs 2, The Colony, The Counselor, The Green Inferno, Killing Season, R.I.P.D., The Last Days on Mars, Machete Kills, Runner Runner, The Big Wedding, and 2 more; Higher Notability: Movie 43, The Lone Ranger, Gangster Squad, Kick-Ass 2, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, A Good Day to Die Hard, Scary Movie 5, After Earth, Texas Chainsaw 3D; Lower RT: I Spit on Your Grave 2, The Starving Games, Getaway, Scary Movie 5, Movie 43, The Big Wedding; Notes: It is hard to tell because 2013 was one of those years where I was watching bad movies outside of BMT in a weird way. Like, I’ve seen Smurfs 2, but it isn’t BMT. Machete Kills I’ve seen, but I can’t remember if we did it officially. Texas Chainsaw 3D I think is the one we haven’t done for BMT, but it might have been. See, confusing. I think we’ve seen 11 of the top 20 BMeTs though. This gets closer than I would think.
RogerEbert.com – 1 star – The last time that Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman shared the screen together, the former was politely but firmly imploring the latter to get off of his plane in the somber 1997 docudrama “Air Force One.” Now, after all these years, the two have reunited for the slightly less plausible “Paranoia” and once again find themselves going down in flames, this time inadvertently. Here is a film that clearly wants to be a gripping techno-thriller but feels as if it was designed both by and for people who still have not quite figured out how to get their Kindles to work.
(Huge zinger, and also 100% correct. It is a completely braindead movie which can’t even figure out how to make Liam Hemsworth look like a nerd. It is a very weird film.)
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bdZWrW6HnA/
(That trailer is legit the entire movie. And yeah, can you tell it is super terrible.)
Directors – Robert Luketic – ( Known For: Legally Blonde; Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!; Titsiana Booberini; The Wedding Year; Future BMT: Monster-in-Law; The Ugly Truth; 21; BMT: Killers; Paranoia; Notes: Austrailian. Has kind of bounced around doing television since this film.)
Writers – Joseph Finder – ( Future BMT: High Crimes; BMT: Paranoia; Notes: Wrote the novel. High Crimes with Ashley Judd being another of his novels is amusing.)
Barry Levy – ( Known For: Wolves of Wall Street; The Brotherhood; Future BMT: Vantage Point; BMT: Paranoia; Notes: Also mostly just wrote television since. Has some television movie which claims is completed directed by a Mexican actress.)
Jason Hall – ( Known For: Thank You for Your Service; American Sniper; Gran Turismo; Spread; Spread; BMT: Paranoia; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for American Sniper. Honestly, an untitled Navy Seal project is the most interesting probably-fake upcoming project for this guy.)
Actors – Liam Hemsworth – ( Known For: Triangle; The Hunger Games; The Expendables 2; The Hunger Games: Catching Fire; Love and Honor; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; Empire State; Lonely Planet; Land of Bad; Poker Face; Cut Bank; The Dressmaker; The Duel; Isn’t It Romantic; Killerman; Arkansas; F1; Future BMT: The Last Song; Knowing; BMT: Paranoia; Independence Day: Resurgence; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy … for a short form series called Most Dangerous Game? Oh I forgot he’s the new Witcher in what apparently is a terrible recent season of that show.)
Harrison Ford – ( Known For: Star Wars; Apocalypse Now; Blade Runner; Raiders of the Lost Ark; Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom; Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade; Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; The Empire Strikes Back; Return of the Jedi; Working Girl; Frantic; What Lies Beneath; The Fugitive; Presumed Innocent; The Mosquito Coast; Regarding Henry; Six Days Seven Nights; Sabrina; K-19: The Widowmaker; Witness; Future BMT: The Devil’s Own; Extraordinary Measures; Jimmy Hollywood; BMT: Hollywood Homicide; Random Hearts; Firewall; Paranoia; The Expendables 3; Notes: The quintessential old man Harrison Ford film. Notably only ever nominated for Witness. Look at that filmography though. Ridic.)
Gary Oldman – ( Known For: The Fifth Element; Léon: The Professional; The Dark Knight; Batman Begins; True Romance; Basquiat; Romeo Is Bleeding; Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban; Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire; Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix; State of Grace; JFK; Jesus; Interstate 60; The Book of Eli; The Contender; Murder in the First; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2; Air Force One; The Backwoods; Future BMT: Hannibal; The Unborn; Criminal Law; Planet 51; Criminal; BMT: Lost in Space; The Scarlet Letter; Tiptoes; Red Riding Hood; Paranoia; The Space Between Us; Hunter Killer; Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar twice (Mank, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy) and won once (Darkest Hour). He has a very fun career as indicated by the perfect mix of BMT and amazing non-BMT films. But then also just really fun films (Air Force One, The Fifth Element).)
Budget/Gross – $35,000,000 / Domestic: $7,388,654 (Worldwide: $17,056,265)
(Huge disaster. But I guess just renting the cars and filming in some mansion on Long Island is going to bump that budget. Oh, and the two huge stars.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 8% (8/105): Clichéd and unoriginal, Paranoia is a middling techno-thriller with indifferent performances and a shortage of thrills.
(Yeah this was chosen for being <10% on RT. And indeed, the performances are very middling.)
Reviewer Highlight: Fixates on the perils and panic of our modern surveillance culture while itself proving to be borderline unwatchable. – Nick Schager, Time Out
Poster – Pair, Annoying
(I like that little pun I put there even if it doesn’t make a lot of sense. A classically bad poster. It is in fact what I would call, and excuse the technical jargon, “very bad.” The only positive here is that it’s not doing too much. It’s very clean. D)
Tagline(s) – In a war between kings even a pawn can change the game. (C+)
(You know, I don’t think I like this. It’s actually more of a classic style tagline than I think I would have expected. Kind of long and telling you more of the story than you really need. At least it’s a metaphor, so not entirely boring. Trying something.)
Keyword(s) – imdb-keyword-based-on-novel;based-on-book
Top 10: Fight Club (1999), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), The Wolf of Wall Street (2013), The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Shutter Island (2010), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006)
Future BMT: 74.9 The Turning (2020), 72.6 Zoom (2006), 70.3 London Fields (2018), 69.6 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 67.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 66.3 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.5 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 64.3 Valentine (2001), 59.5 The Big Bounce (2004), 58.1 Best Defense (1984), 58.0 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 55.5 Hanging Up (2000), 55.4 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 55.2 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.9 Abandon (2002), 53.4 The Stepford Wives (2004), 52.5 Addicted (2014), 50.8 Freedomland (2006), 50.1 Kull: The Conqueror (1997)
BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Cats (2019), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Jaws 3-D (1983), One Missed Call (2008), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), The Bye Bye Man (2017), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Striptease (1996), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), Firestarter (2022), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Tarot (2024), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), The Haunting (1999), Fair Game (1995), Eragon (2006), After We Fell (2021), North (1994), Monkeybone (2001), The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999), Conan the Barbarian (2011), Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), An American Haunting (2005), The Snowman (2017), The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising (2007), Sliver (1993), Pinocchio (2002), The Musketeer (2001), After Ever Happy (2022), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Get Carter (2000), Exit to Eden (1994), After (2019), Alex Cross (2012), Queen of the Damned (2002), Congo (1995), …
Best Options (rt <10): 72.6 Zoom (2006), 70.3 London Fields (2018), 58.1 Best Defense (1984), 55.4 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 52.5 Addicted (2014), 50.0 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 48.5 Blood and Chocolate (2007), 46.0 Surviving Christmas (2004), 44.2 Paranoia (2013), 38.9 When Time Ran Out… (1980), 38.9 Intersection (1994), 34.9 Hero and the Terror (1988), 33.4 The Awakening (1980), 27.7 The Lonely Lady (1983), 25.1 King David (1985), 21.9 Wired (1989), 16.2 Worth Winning (1989), 13.6 That Was Then… This Is Now (1985)
(So many, but a lot are kind of borderline in reality. You should see the Now a Major Motion Picture for this thing. It is glorious.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 8) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Harrison Ford is No. 2 billed in Paranoia and No. 1 billed in Hollywood Homicide, which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (2 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 8. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Bad Movie Twins 