Meet the Spartans Recap


A small army of Spartans battle the fearsome Persians while also waxing poetic about the many short lived cultural touchstones of the mid-2000s that in no way grow old and stale by the minute. Can they manage to shove a whole bunch of dog poo in your face, and I guess also defeat the Persians, before it’s too late? Find out in… Meet the Spartans.

What?! You ever watch 300 and think to yourself that you needed more references to Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, the entire (and now defunct) judges panel from American Idol, Paris Hilton, Shrek, Ghost Rider, Tyra Banks, Happy Feet, Ugly Betty, and some terrible singer named Sanjaya (I don’t even know who that is)? Well boy howdy do I have a film for you. It’s just like 300 in that Leonidus takes a small army to defend Sparta from a large invading force of Persians, but… like… not that anymore because it spends the entire time dropping cultural references, hawking explicit product placements, panicking about being gay, and shoving dog poo in your face. It is… obviously amazing and I loved it. JK, lolz. It’s terrible. Whatever, it’s not even worth talking about the plot. It’s 300… just think of 300.

Why?! Ha! Why? To save Sparta I guess. Otherwise this film serves no purpose other than to exist in the moment. Every joke has a six month half-life maximum, to the point where the funniest aspect of the film is to marvel at just how quickly everything in the film became outdated. Less than a decade later and almost every joke has no meaning today. Do people even know what Ugly Betty is anymore? I hadn’t thought of that TV show in years and yet there she is as the Oracle! A major scene in the film! The only stuff that was disconnected from such references was all the humor derived solely from the idea that the Spartans are secretly gay… which is dated in a different way.

What?! I think I became immune to product placement as a result of the this film. Some are parts of actual jokes, like a Budweiser commercial hilariously claiming that the Spartans are… wait for it… closeted homosexuals. How funny. Others are just our main character munching on a Subway sandwich and exclaiming his distaste for mayonnaise… which I guess is a joke. I’m not sure anymore. In fact, I know longer know what laughter and humor is.

Who?! 100% of the spoofs of celebrity impressions are done by about three actors. The only significant cameo is Method Man, who plays a Persian warrior that gives our “heroes” a run for their money in a dance-off. Nice.

Where?! It’s in the title. While I hate to admit that something could replace my beloved Legend of Hercules on the world I have to give credit where credit is due: this is a truly terrible film that deserves the spot. A+

When?! Considering Sanjaya was eliminated from American Idol on April 18, 2007 I’m tempted to say that this film takes place about 15 minutes after that. But since the film (kinda) depicts the Battle of Thermopylae I guess it actually takes place in August/September 480 BC. Whatever. D.

The more I type about this film the more I hate it so I’m just going to stop. It is terrible… and yet somehow slightly better than Epic Movie. How is that possible? Well at least there are some jokes (like that the Spartans skip everywhere they go) that at least still are jokes and haven’t crumbled away into insignificant dog poo dust. Patrick?


‘Ello everyone? You ever sit quietly and wistfully think of those moments in life where someone pushed dog poo in your face? You don’t? Huh … seems like we just keep on doing it, I was wondering what I was missing. We watched Meet the Spartans which was … let’s get into it!

The Good – Uuuuuh. I think this movie is better than Epic Movie. Only because it has a storyline (the plot of 300) it is trying to faithfully (more or less) follow. The jokes, I think, are worse in many ways, but the structure is more reminiscent of Airplane! and other successful examples from the past, so I think ultimately it works slightly better. It is also, no joke, 60 minutes long. The credits and bloopies are easily 15 minutes of the 87 minute runtime.

P’s View on the Preview – I was mainly interested to see who was in this film, because that is kind of all there is to these types of films. Unless you make a complete mess (Movie 43) the quality is entirely based on the comedic chops available. I basically didn’t recognize anyone in this case, although I vaguely recognized television’s Hercules. It is totally unsurprising that more than a few impressions were done by MadTv alums. Don’t shoot the messenger, but MadTv was terrible.

The Bad – Yeah, bad comedies can often fall into the category of “an extended SNL sketch”, see Deuce Bigelow. This? This is an extended MadTv sketch (heeeeyoooooo). The movie is the story of 300 … with an inordinate number of gay sex, puke, fart, and shit jokes. I laughed zero times. As a matter of fact, this movie sucked some of my joy and laughter from previous films back inside of me, that is how bad and soul destroying it is.

Get Yo Rant On – Many people chose to take exception at the sheer amount of product placement in the film. But me? I’m mostly insulted by the fact that the film barely makes fun of films. At least Epic movie tried to make fun of Lion Witch & the Wardrobe, Superman, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Pirates of the Caribbean, etc. Here? Reality show spoofs as far as the eye can see. Dancing competitions, American Idol judges, Paris Hilton, etc. Cheap, tired, and now out of date jokes that tear the movie down. There is, I think, a spoof of some American Idol contestant I didn’t even recognize. Just … trash. Pure and simply. Stay in your lane, and leave the reality show spoofs to television shows where they belong. Rant over.

The BMT – Just checkin’ boxes over here, nothing to see. It is the second highest BMeTric likely, so there is cred there. We’ll finish the Friedberg and Seltzer films, it just might take us 10 years.

Welcome to Earf: Meet the Spartans stars Diedrich Bader, who was in The Beverly Hillbillies with Rob Schneider, who was in Grown Ups with Adam Sandler, who was in Jack and Jill with Al Pacino, who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski, who was in Here on Earf. Welcome to Earf! – A lot of places don’t consider this a film. Not joking, one place said: “This list would most definitely be topped by ‘Meet The Spartans’, ‘Superhero Movie’ and ‘Disaster Movie’ but techniclly [sic] these aren’t films.” It does seem to be covered a bit by Disaster Movie which for whatever reason garners a lot more hatred and, somehow, came out in the same year.

And no homework, thank god, so I’ll leave it there.


The Sklogs


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