Little Man Recap

Jamie

Calvin, a little person and criminal, and his partner in crime, Percy, steal a diamond but have it accidentally fall into the hands of a couple struggling with the idea of having kids. Calvin dresses up as a baby to infiltrate their house and get it back. Will he get the diamond (and perhaps change their lives for the better) before it’s too late? Find out in… Little Man.

What?! Calvin is a thief ready to get back in the game after serving some time in jail. His idiot partner picks him up with news that they already have a new gig: steal a giant diamond from a jewelry store. For some reason Calvin is under the impression that if you use guns or weapons to perform a heist that that somehow prevents you from going to jail… which is interesting considering he would clearly be on probation. So they pull off a clever little gambit to get the diamond but have to evade the police when their getaway goes wrong. During this evasion Calvin drops the diamond into the purse of Vanessa, who is struggling with the idea of having a baby with her husband Darryl. She wants to pursue a career while he… just wants to have a baby or something. I don’t know. It’s dumb. Anyway, because Calvin doesn’t want to use a weapon he decides to get the diamond back by pretending to be a baby dropped at Vanessa and Daryll’s doorstep. This of course leads to all kinds of antics like: making Vanessa’s father seem crazy, going to the park where toys fly into Daryll’s crotch, sexually assaulting several women, going to a hockey game, … what’s that? Did I say sexually assaulting several women? Why yes I did. That’s because Calvin is not just a thief but a sex criminal who literally gropes ladies in the guise of being a baby… it is unfortunate. Anyway, in the end the gangsters who hired Calvin for the heist come to get the diamond where Calvin basically Home Alones the shit out of them leading to their arrest. Despite Calvin’s criminal behavior through this whole adventure Darryl and Vanessa somehow because best friends with him. THE END.

Why?! Why indeed. Calvin just wants to get back in the game and stealing the diamond is part of that. They have to stretch a little to have Calvin not just want to steal the diamond from these people through force, but rather through an elaborate trick. In the end though we realize that all Calvin really wanted was a father figure in his life. Awwwwwwww. Darryl just wants a baby and so does Vanessa (though she doesn’t realize it yet).

What?! I’m actually a little surprised there wasn’t more product placement in the film. Some products in stores and some cereal boxes and stuff, but that’s about it. Instead I’ll highlight some prop work with the hockey game Darryl and Calvin attend. Obviously couldn’t be a real Blackhawks game so instead it seems to be some minor league event with the Chicago Chiefs (clever) and the Detroit Chargers. Oooo. Big rivalry.

Who?! Rob Schneider has an uncredited cameo as a television dinosaur, which is appropriate for one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Even more interesting is that there is a “In memory” credit at the end of the film for Arja Hannele “Honey” Lanning. I looked everywhere trying to figure out who this was eventually finding that she was a swim teacher in the LA area that apparently taught Keenan Ivory Wayans’ kids how to swim. She must have been a great swim teacher to get a credit at the end of a major motion picture.

Where?! Illinois license plates everywhere and they go to that Chicago hockey game late in the film. Sports events in films are truly special. Sometimes you get an actual arena or set of athlete’s getting a cameo. And sometimes you get them making up teams so they can keep the budget down. Both are great. C+.

When?! I’ve been slacking on trying to get these exact dates recently. I blame the films. They should be more clear on when things take place. Or better yet just set every film during a holiday. They go to a hockey game and yet are enjoying fun outside in Illinois? Probably Spring some time. F.

There was a legit argument whether this was worse than Strange Wilderness… which is quite something considering its place in BMT lore. This movie is unbelievable. It’s unbelievably offensive, unbelievably stupid, and unbelievably dog poo in our faces. Made all the more unbelievable by the fact that it followed up White Chicks, which we actually enjoyed! They went from a film where Marlon must fend off the advanced of a sexual predator, to being the sexual predator himself. It was horrible and I hated it. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Little Man? More like “Stop slowly pushing dog poo in my face, man!” This was one of the worst comedies I’ve ever seen, but was it the worst? Read all about this catastrophe and find out. Let’s go!

The Good – Sigh. If I lived in an alternative universe where getting dog crap pushed into my face was good then I would have plenty to say. I do not.

P’s View on the Preview – This was a Wayans brothers productions (perhaps the last major Wayans brothers production) through and through. Out of the 7 entries in the director/writer/actor section of the preview, 6 were taken up by Shawn, Marlon, and Keenan Ivory Wayans. Having watched White Chicks which, while a terrible film, was incredibly amusing by how monstrous the makeup on Shawn and Marlon Wayans looked, there were obvious high hopes at BMT HQ. Were our hopes misplaced? … of course they were, this movie is dogshit.

The Bad – You know what was most surprising about this movie to me? How ill-prepared I was for it. I was not prepared for a Norbit, I was amped for a White Chicks. Norbit is a catastrophe because it makes light of spousal abuse and makes you sad throughout. Little Man makes light of sexual assault and makes you sad throughout. You are supposed to find people treating a grown adult as a baby, and that grown adult groping women indiscriminantly, funny … I do not. It upsets me. Whether this film is better or worse than Norbit is up for debate. I do think this is one of the worst comedies I’ve ever seen in my life … and I liked White Chicks reasonably well! I liked Haunted House reasonably well! I was ill-prepared, and that is on me. I should have been ready for the 96 mph fastball of dog poo in my face.

Get Yo Rant On – It is weird to rant on this since the rant is above. But let’s just discuss the CGI in this film for a second. It looks awful much of the time. And, to bring it back to Norbit once again, if you’ve never seen Norbit you might want to watch a second of it just to see the amazing makeup work in it. JUST LOOK AT THIS AMAZING FAT SUIT:

Someday I hope there will be an absolutely atrocious film that has an incredible CGI baby which wins the Best Visual Effects Academy Award just so people can make fun of the Oscars without realizing that sometimes even bad movies can do something right. Little Man? It did nothing right. Its CGI is terrible.

Welcome to Earf – Easy enough. Marlon Wayans is in Little Man and White Chicks with Terry Crews, who was in Blended with Adam Sandler, who was in Jack and Jill with Al Pacino, who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski, who was in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf!

The BMT – Legendary, but not in a good way. Like … We occasionally induct movies like Strange Wilderness or Norbit into the Hall of Fame because of just how unpleasant they are to watch. Those are probably the two worst comedies I’ve ever seen. I think I can add Little Man as a solid number three (possibly, I would have to mull it over). And that is some distinguished company. I don’t think it’ll end up doing much beyond winning the Worst Viewing Experience Smaddies Baddie by a landslide, but maybe in five years we’ll think to ourselves “huh, I kind of want to experience the extremely unfunny and unpleasant Little Man again” and induct it. In five years we’ll be totally different people.

StreetCreditReport.com – I am genuinely shocked that this isn’t on the Worst Films Ever wiki as a removed film. I’m not surprised it isn’t on the main page, but I am a bit surprised someone didn’t throw a flier out on this piece of garbage at some point. Strangely there aren’t many articles about the worst films of 2006. There is this blog which explains my feelings pretty well. I’m annoyed by the lack of 2006 lists though since I’m sure this would be in the top three on most of them.

No homework (unless you count me watching 5 minutes of that Little Rascals short from the preview … movies were weird in the 30s), so I’ll leave it there.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

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