Wooooooaaahhhhh. Dog poo. It’s dog poo in our faces. The debate will forever be whether this is so dog poo that it’s a big time BMT hit? Or is it too dog poo (thanks for everything! Julie Newmar) and is just bad and should be burned to the ground? Patrick and I will probably debate this for hours because this is bar none the single worst horror film of any of the major franchises. It’s not even close.
I’m serious, this is a tragedy put to screen. I can’t believe they did this. I can’t believe they let it go out with Halloween as the title. Cut the beginning, reedit it so you never see Michael’s face and release it as a different movie. Anything but what they did here. My god, it is offensive. Patrick and I were driven to insanity because it is like Michael Myers himself was turned into a film. It is an unstoppable force. No one must watch this. Preserve your quaint view that Halloween 4-6 represented the nadir of the franchise. Such an innocent time. Oh I miss those Halloween 6 days. The days of the Cult of Thorn.
I’m not sure if I can even give a cursory recap of the film. I’m so shocked and awed by the traumatic event that I experienced while watching it, but I’ll give it a try. Even though we all saw Michael Myers die at the end of the H20 we are told not to believe our lying eyes. In fact Myers traded places with an incapacitated paramedic and that’s who Laurie Strode decapitated. Cool cool cool. Lucky for Laurie, Michael comes back and she is swiftly and mercifully killed before she is forced to participate in this film any further. Meanwhile a reality show is being produced that is gonna take a whole bunch of dumbos and leave them in the Myers house on Halloween. Sounds dumb and fake. It is. But also Michael Myers shows up and actually does kill a bunch of people. Our new Laurie Strode, Sara Moyer, is able to survive with the help of her internet boyfriend, a giant nerd alert high school freshman named Myles. In a final showdown she and Busta Rhymes join forces to take down Michael Myers and victory is theirs. Or is it? It’s not, Michael appears to survive, but this new series didn’t. Also, after the film ends Sara meets Myles and is extremely disappointed and basically is like “see yah, nerd.” That’s a fact.
Honestly some shocking stuff. D-double-O to the P-O-O. So let’s Hot Take Clam Bake and GTFO. Today my clam bake is that while the new series claims to eliminate the Halloween franchise after the second entry, I say nay. If you look closely at the beginning of H20, where Myers enters the recently deceased Dr. Loomis’ house to find info on Laurie, you’ll see a newspaper clipping claiming that Laurie died in the car accident. This was the ruse she used to escape her past life and prevent Michael from finding her. But wait, was that not also the explanation we got for why Laurie wasn’t in entries 4-6? Indeed. We also see Loomis tracking Myers and his whereabouts, so doesn’t it reason to believe that he in fact would appear like a super crazy ghost in the Haddonfield on occasion terrorizing the local townfolk claiming Michael was back. My theory? Entries 4-6 are the delusions of the mad man himself. He imagined those events. So no, the sequels aren’t skipped. They actually hold the key to Loomis’ deranged mind and must be studied extensively. Thank you.
That’s what we in the biz call a Raging Inferno of a hot take. Patrick?
‘Ello everyone! Halloween: Resurrection? More like Dog Poo Straight In My Face: Resurrection! How dare you. How daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare you. Let’s get into it!
- My god, what have they done to my boy! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!
- A slap in the face to fans! Dog poo shoved ever so slowly into my face! This film is an abomination. It has dead eyes, dark like coals. I looked into its eyes and knew it survived through pure unfeeling evil. I must warn the sheriff! The Cult of Thorn made this film to control an ancient magic! Why won’t anyone listen to me?!
- Is this movie a joke? It feels like it is a joke, but one that no one is really in on. Like they made a garbage film, all looked at each other and were like “uh oh … put some jokes in there and change the ending, maybe people will think we weren’t serious.” This is the era of Jason X so it isn’t totally implausible.
- This film is a direct-to-video film called like Murder.com or something that somehow contains Michael Myers. Half of the film is shot on webcams (like legit webcams), and the other half is reaction shots of teenagers at a costume party. It has no connection to any Halloween film that has come before or after. Completely perplexing nonsense.
- I just don’t know how something like this happens. Further I have no idea how Halloween as a franchise survived Resurrection. Jason X is a joke (and Jason in general was at that point anyways) so that didn’t affect that franchise. But this is unforgivable. No wonder they did a remake of the original and then a direct sequel to the first film eventually. The sixth film can be somewhat forgiven and forgotten. Resurrection is forever. Tainting that bloodline forever.
- I think I’m going insane.
- I think I’ll just leave it with that to some degree with one serious warning: do not watch this film on its merits or in connection to Halloween at all. Watch this, if you must, as a perplexing touchstone in the history of slashers. The early 2000s was when slashers died, and I dare say I think Halloween: Resurrection may have been the final nail in the coffin.
- The usual Setting as a Character (Where?) for Haddonfield (made explicit via Haddonfield College). And also the usual A+ Holiday Film (When?) for Halloween. A decent Production Placement (What?) for Pepsi which is prominently displayed on several occasions early in the film. This is either the worst film ever or the most BMT film ever, and I think it is the most BMT film ever, an abomination!
- And you best belieb there are special features on the DVD I got (from the brary natch). There was a lame deleted scene showing more of the in-movie interview about the reality show characters (D). There was a weird little movie about how awesome Jamie Lee Curtis is (A because Curtis is awesome, but F because she lied and said she thought the movie was good). There was literally all of the headcam footage (F because it is 40 minutes long, looks like shit, and ain’t no one got time for that). There was a storyboard (B, kind of cool to see the motivation for the headcams). And there was a set tour (A, really cool to see very extensively how they built the house). And finally an audio commentary (D, not interesting and mostly you learn the same stuff as in the other special features. Solo audio commentaries are never good.). Phew!
Check out to my sequel to this film, Halloween: Exorcism, in the Quiz. Cheerios,