Oh man, so I went on this sweet f-shack timeshare thing with my buddies and it is great. Well, until we found a dead body in the apartment! I fainted then and there, so I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in The Loft?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Karl Urban is a brilliant architect and inventor of the revolutionary f-shack timeshare idea. And all he wants to do is share this idea with his friends (awwwwwwww). But he has a deep dark secret that makes his friends turn against him. What is it?
2) Wentworth Miller is a brilliant … something. He seems to allow people to think he’s in love with Vincent, but in reality he harbors a deep dark secret about what he uses the timeshare for. What is it?
3) Marty Landry is clearly an alcoholic and also … confused as to why any of these people are friends with him I assume. Anyways, he also harbors a secret about how he’s been using the loft. What is it?
4) Phillip is generally a criminal I suppose, and the newest member of the happily married club. But you guessed it, he harbors a deep dark secret. What is it?
5) The only one left is Marsdan, but he doesn’t really seem to harbor any secrets (at least ones that he knows about). So instead explain what actually happened with the murdered woman.
Bonus Question: In the mid-credits scene there is a knock at the door of the titular loft. Knock knock. Who’s there?
1) He’s been having sex with all of their loved ones. He has sex with Marty’s wife (they were separated), and he has sex with Chris’ mistress (but I mean … fair play right), and he has sex with Phillip’s half-sister who Philip specifically told him not to have sex with (she’s an adult, you can’t control her Phillip!). Once they find out though, boy howdy are they peeved.
2) He is secretly recording everyone having sex. That’s weird, but also useful since it allows them to know all of the nutso things Vincent has been up to behind their backs. Time to get revenge!
3) This is a more tenuous one, but it is kind of suggested that he never actually had sex with anyone in the loft. That in reality he’s a blowhard and the only time he cheated on his wife was in San Diego. If I misread that then I apologize. Actually … I’m going to take a page out of Vincent’s book and not apologize. Sorry not sorry.
4) He likes to beat up women and handcuff them and stuff and is generally an awful human you aren’t really supposed to care about in the end when he’s the only one that goes to jail.
5) So Vincent was having an affair with a woman from San Diego, but in the end was like “Naw, not worth it, we got to end this cleanly.” But then she was like “Cleanly? Naw, I think instead I’m going to kill myself in your f-shack timeshare.” When the other guys find the body, Wentworth Miller is like “Vincent has been playing us, look at all these videos I made” and convinced them that what they should do is take the suicide note and frame Vincent for murder. Phillip, being a criminal, kills the not-quite-dead woman for reals, and then they drug Vincent and leave him in the bed for the police to find. In the end though Wentworth made a single mistake: he forgot everyone else isn’t as nutso as him and Marsden defeats him in hand to hand combat. The end.
Bonus Answer: Oh my god! It’s … oh, it’s just the real estate agent from before? Karl Urban is intrigued. “Sorry we missed each other the other day. Your loft is in a premo location here in New Orleans, are you still interested in selling it?” Interested in selling it? Not really, but Urban is interested in this pretty lady. It’s a whirlwind romance … right up until he finds a mysterious key marked “penthouse” in his new girlfriend’s apartment. Soon he’s being followed, attacked, what could it be! Finally, he follows her to a high rise luxury apartment building and in the penthouse the key fits! When he enters there is a dead man in the bed. A dead man that looks just like him! Hooded strangers enter. “Vincent. Your f-shack timeshare idea was revolutionary. The betrayal, the manipulation, so chic. Join us! Join … L.O.F.T.” Smash cut.
L.O.F.T. stands for Lose Our Friend’s Trust … weird acronym, but it is a secret society of ultra-wealthy philanderers. The movie is called The Loft 2: Penthouse, and it begins the wider anti-hero action franchise called the LOFTCU.