Patrick and Jamie look through binoculars at their prey. Santa is happily carving a toy for a child amongst his elf friends in the BMTverse’s North Pole. Poor bastard. Jamie leans back, “I’m not even sure why you’re here,” he says and Patrick squints at him in confusion. Jamie shrugs and snaps into a slim jim, “I mean, I was the one that told the troll I would do him a favor. Not you.” Patrick smiles and sends Jamie to start on a Santa trap. Patrick needs time to think. Hours pass, sweat drips down his brow, but Patrick can’t think of a way to save Santa. In his calm he withdraws deep within himself and finds a light. Reaching for it he suddenly has access to a great power. “I need something to save Santa,” he thinks and a large amount of silk from the rare Siberian Silkworm winks into existence. Thinking quick he used his twin powers to construct a flawless (but highly illegal) Santa costume and dons the disguise. Looking up he is horrified to see Jamie having completed an elaborate tiger trap and Santa bumbling his way towards it. Using his preternatural speed, Patrick is able to tackle both he and the real Santa into the trap. The troll comes cackling forward, but is confused by the appearance of two Santas. Who should he shoot?! He points his gun back and forth and the hesitation is enough for Jamie to trip the troll right back into the tiger trap. Hooray! With the troll dispatched, Jamie, Patrick, and Santa sit around the fire with some delicious Coca-Colas. Patrick is distracted by the discovery of the great power within, but Jamie is ready for some magical tales of wonder. “Santa, where did you come from?” he asks and Santa smiles a jolly smile. “Oh ho ho ho, that’s an interesting story, my boy. Well, I guess it started when I was born… IN HELL.” Bum bum bum. That’s right! It’s the first BMT Live! of the year after a … frankly it was a shockingly light bad movie winter season. Here’s to watching an unnecessary reboot and to a hopefully bumper crop of bad movies in the spring season. Let’s go!
Hellboy (2019) – BMeTric: 42.5
(That rating actually look right. I think it’ll perk up a bit in three months once non-Hellboy fans get a hold of it, they won’t care about some of the most nitty-gritty issues with the film as related to the comic or the Del Toro versions.)
RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – Individually, Harbour might have a humorous moment or two with his co-stars, but decreasingly so as the movie staggers toward its messy, cacophonous end. And it just will … not … end. After an overlong two-hour running time, “Hellboy” suggests optimistically that it’s the start of its own franchise, but it will probably end up stuck in purgatory instead.
(Long and boring! Noooooooo. I don’t want to see a long and boring film in theaters! But I must. You guys owe me.)
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dt5g5_1cKVk/
(The “Sorry, my bad” joke in the beginning is obvious and dumb. And the reset looks … loud and incoherent? I have a feeling the soundtrack is an abomination.)
Directors – Neil Marshall – (Known For: The Descent; Dog Soldiers; Doomsday; Centurion; Tales of Halloween; BMT: Hellboy; Notes: Most famous for directing some of the most notable Game of Thrones episodes (Blackwater, and The Watchers on the Wall).)
Writers – Andrew Cosby (screenplay by) – (BMT: Hellboy; Notes: Created the television series Eureka. Created BOOM! Studios which is a comic book publisher.)
Mike Mignola (based on the Dark Horse Comic Book “Hellboy” created by) – (Known For: Hellboy; Hellboy II: The Golden Army; Batman: Gotham by Gaslight; BMT: Hellboy; Notes: Created the comic. Apparently he handed off the spin off series (B.P.R.D.) which has recently ended. I don’t think there is a current active Hellboy series, although it is unclear.)
Actors – David Harbour – (Known For: Brokeback Mountain; The Equalizer; War of the Worlds; Quantum of Solace; Revolutionary Road; A Walk Among the Tombstones; The Green Hornet; End of Watch; Black Mass; State of Play; Snitch; Kinsey; X/Y; Parkland; The Convincer; Future BMT: Sleepless; Suicide Squad; Every Day; Awake; W.E.; Knife Fight; Between Us; BMT: Hellboy; Notes: Been around for a while obviously as a character actor, but has rose to a new level of fame as one of the stars of Stranger Things.)
Milla Jovovich – (Known For: The Fifth Element; Dazed and Confused; Zoolander; Chaplin; Paradise Hills; A Perfect Getaway; He Got Game; Stone; The Claim; Dummy; Future BMT: Resident Evil: Retribution; Future World; Return to the Blue Lagoon; Resident Evil: The Final Chapter; Anarchy: Ride or Die; Survivor; Two Moon Junction; Resident Evil: Afterlife; The Fourth Kind; No Good Deed; The Million Dollar Hotel; Resident Evil: Apocalypse; Kuffs; Resident Evil: Extinction; Joan of Arc; Bringing Up Bobby; Shock and Awe; A Warrior’s Tail; Resident Evil; Dirty Girl; BMT: Ultraviolet; Zoolander 2; Hellboy; The Three Musketeers; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actress in 2000 for Joan of Arc; and in 2013 for Resident Evil: Retribution; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress for The Fifth Element in 1998; and Nominee for Worst New Star for Return to the Blue Lagoon in 1992; Notes: A bad movie all-star! Her recent big budget fair has mostly been via collaboration with her husband Paul W. S. Anderson who directed four of the six Resident Evil films.)
Ian McShane – (Known For: John Wick; John Wick: Chapter 2; Snow White and the Huntsman; Hercules; Coraline; Jack the Giant Slayer; The Golden Compass; Kung Fu Panda; Shrek the Third; The Sorcerer’s Apprentice; Death Race; Sexy Beast; Battle of Britain; We Are Marshall; Scoop; Performance; Cuban Fury; Bilal: A New Breed of Hero; The Last of Sheila; Nine Lives; Future BMT: Agent Cody Banks; The Hollow Point; Grimsby; Case 39; Pottersville; Hot Rod; BMT: The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising; Hellboy; Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides; Notes: He’s been all over the place, but his cameo in Game of Thrones and starring role in Deadwood before that suggests he’s really but more famous on the small screen in the later career,)
Budget/Gross – $50 million / Domestic: $19,676,271 (Worldwide: $19,676,271)
(This is going to be a huge disaster, especially with Avengers: Endgame coming out in a week. Completely screwed and might kill the film franchise. Interestingly the comic series apparently came to a disastrous end just this week … so Hellboy legit might be completely dead as a media item which is crazy.)
#136 for the Comic Book Adaptation genre
(This I think will end up near R.I.P.D. which is crazily mid-table for BMT in this sub-genre. Obviously Marvel/Disney has been dominating this recently with Black Panther having an insane $700 million domestically.)
#109 for the Superhero genre
(I guess this is different than the previous one … it is obviously taking off recently with the recent Marvel/Disney succuesses.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 14% (25/174): Bereft of the imaginative flair that made earlier Hellboys so enjoyable, this soulless reboot suggests Dante may have left a tenth circle out of his Inferno.
(The reviews are eviscerating basically calling the film a big void filled with action set pieces. This is an astonishingly low percentage, might just end up being the lowest score for a big budget film for the year. Reviewer Highlight: Watching the “Hellboy” reboot is like eating a rice cake – you don’t feel bad afterward, but at the same time you’re not entirely sure you really experienced anything at all. – Matthew Rozsa, Salon.com)
Poster – Hellsklog (C+)
(Points for the font done in an interesting way (behind the horns, like a physical thing in the poster), deduction for kind of having a flat color, we get it he’s the devil. I think much like what the critics said about the film, it is mostly blah, but I’ll give it a little bump because I think it looks more cool that silly which I guess is what you want.)
Tagline(s) – Give Evil Hell (C-)
(I don’t think I like it. It doesn’t tell you anything, and it is definitely the “clever” product that came out of a writers’ room. But it does have that kernel of cleverness, so I won’t just give it an F.)
Keyword(s) – based on comic; Top Ten by BMeTric: 94.6 Batman & Robin (1997); 85.9 Fantastic Four (2015); 71.0 The Spirit (2008); 69.7 Steel (1997); 65.9 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993); 62.0 Virus (1999); 61.7 Monkeybone (2001); 61.5 Transformers: The Last Knight (2017); 59.5 Red Sonja (1985); 59.3 Spawn (1997);
(Smashing it. I’ve seen The Spirit, which I’m sure I’ve mentioned in this section before. That film is completely incomprehensible garbage.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Milla Jovovich is No. 2 billed in Hellboy and No. 1 billed in Ultraviolet, which also stars Cameron Bright (No. 2 billed) who is in Godsend (No. 4 billed), which also stars Rebecca Romijn (No. 2 billed) who is in Rollerball (No. 3 billed), which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => 2 + 1 + 2 + 4 + 2 + 3 + 1 + 2 = 17. If we were to watch Joan of Arc, Hook, Jack, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 15.
Notes – In mid 2012, Ron Perlman once again endured the 4-hour makeup routine required to transform him into Hellboy – not for a sequel or other acting job but to fulfill the Make-A-Wish request of a six-year-old boy named Zachary who has leukemia. Creature effects house Spectral Motion, who had worked on the two previous Hellboy films, applied Perlman’s Hellboy makeup (and later, also made up Zachary as Hellboy as well), so that Zachary could spend the day hanging out with his favorite superhero. Guillermo del Toro was so touched by this event that it inspired him to start production on Hellboy 3. However, the project was announced to be cancelled and this reboot’s development started soon after.
Following the success that Deadpool had in getting the movie made through social media, Ron Perlman tweeted a proposal that if #HellboyIII started trending that a third Hellboy film might finally get funds to be made.
In February 2017 Guillermo Del Toro stated “Spoke with all parties. Must report that 100% the sequel will not happen.” (I think these first three completely exemplify the weird relationship between the Hellboy franchise and its audience. It never really made money, but the hardcore fans believe in their hearts it would if given the chance. Spoiler alert … it wouldn’t, that film will never be made)
The VFXperts cite the Mike Mignola comics as a visual influence on the film’s creatures, and sought to avoid reference to the Guillermo del Toro films. Joel Harlow explained that as monsters, “their look is entirely nonhuman and very frightening, it’s a glimpse into a world of beings that do not follow the anatomical laws of anything on Earth.”
Mike Mignola takes a more direct involvement in the production of this film than he did on the Guillermo del Toro Hellboy films. According to him, the idea with this one was to downplay the superhero elements in the film and stay closer to the darker tone of the graphic novels, making a much more horror-oriented entry into the franchise. (Interesting. Recipe for a disaster, puts too much power into a single person to go ahead an F it up)
On August 21, 2017, Ed Skrein was cast as Major Ben Daimio in the film. However, upon discovering that Daimio was portrayed in the comic books as a Japanese-American character, Skrein announced a week later that he was pulling out to allow an actor of Asian heritage to be cast instead.Skrein’s decision marked the first time a white actor had left a high-profile role after such criticism according to The Hollywood Reporter. (First, bullet dodged for him. Second, I completely forgot about this, what a terrible look)
The movie originally began production as the second sequel to 2004’s Hellboy after The Golden Army, but Creative Differences led to Del Toro and Perlman both leaving, thus causing a long hiatus until it was decided to reboot following the rise of R-rated superhero movies. (There is no way they would have made a third film quickly, The Golden Army didn’t make that much money and Del Toro probably didn’t want to rein in the budget)
The movie’s title was Hellboy: The Blood Queen initially, before reverting to simply Hellboy. (I like the original better)
Hellboy claims he is a Capricorn. According to the comic, he was born in October 5, which makes him a Libra. (BOOOOOOOOOOO)
Doug Jones, who played Abe Sapien in the Guillermo del Toro Hellboy films, was offered a cameo but was unable to participate due to commitments to Star Trek: Discovery (2017). (He’s great in Discovery)
Levin interrupted Marshall frequently in front of the crew as Marshall tried to rehearse actors, sometimes giving them different directions than the director. Singer’s attorney disputed that: “In fact, Mr. Levin would speak to Neil Marshall after rehearsals and discuss issues with him at that time.” (Sounds pleasant)
Harbour repeatedly walked off set, refusing Marshall’s requests for more takes. Singer responded for Levin: “My client has no recollection of that ever happening. To the contrary, David Harbour gave everything he was asked of and more during filming.” (Sounds pleasant)
The script was re-written throughout the production. One said those doing the rewriting included actors Harbour and co-star Ian McShane. Singer responded: “Only a few scenes were rewritten during production, and neither David Harbour nor Ian McShane did any rewriting of the screenplay at all. Rewriting certain scenes of a movie during production is customary in the entertainment industry, including by actors, producers, writers and directors.” (Sounds fucking pleasant)