Oh sheeeeeeet, now I’m a gnarled oak tree of a man living in Thailand. But … again, I think in my many adventures literally chopping people in half with miniguns I got concussed a few dozen times. Do you remember what happened to me, Rambo, in 2008?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) As I said, Stallone is a gnarled old Rambo in Thailand. What is his job at this point in his life?
2) While bringing the missionaries into war-torn Burma Stallone has the opportunity to kill a bunch of Burmese pirates. Why?
3) What is the very-not-fun game the Burmese army (? I think they are the army since they are fighting the rebels, but don’t quote me on that) plays with their captured villagers?
4) How many people are in the mercenary group that is hired to help save the missionaries and that Rambo is bringing up the river. What other people end up going along with them into Burma?
5) How does Rambo kill the general in the end?
1) He wrangles snakes for a profoundly depressing tourist snake exhibit of some kind … it is really just the worst possible place, but this is Rambo’s life, so … whatever, he’s going to shoot some people in the face and feel better about himself.
2) Stallone tried to sneak past them, but they were a bit too observant. They were preeeeeetty peeved about this already, but what’s this that they spy with their little pirate eyes? It’s a woman. And Rambo can’t really let this pirate take Dexter’s lady friend, right? So he kills them. They did kind of deserve it.
3) They throw a few mines into a rice paddy (? A shallow pond at least, it is a little unclear what it actually is in the few cases we see them playing the game), and then make the villagers run back and forth between two officers until the mines explode, and then they kill the rest of the villagers after … yeah, it isn’t great, they are giving us a pretty clear signal that these people are bad dudes.
4) There are five mercenaries. There is the kind of caustic leader whose only in it for mo’ money. There is School Boy who is a sniper and quite the honorable mercenary lad. Then there is …. Alright there are three more, they can be boiled down to the guy who sings, the asian guy who seems kind of nice, and the other guy who maybe was mean? They didn’t leave a huge impression I have to say. They meet a rebel dude and his young friend who are going to lead them around. And of course Boat Man aka Rambo who is definitely going to kill some people because he’s Rambo.
5) Rambo kind of sneaks up on him and then slices his lower torso open to spill out his intestines. Bye bye terrible general, you just got Rambo-d!
Ah right, I had a very unpleasant and bloody adventure in Burma. One out of ten stars would not visit war-torn Burma again.