Category: Recap

Iron Eagle Recap

Jamie

Iron Eagles, assemble! And this is where me and Patrick swoop in flying mini fighter jets which transform like a couple transformers into Chris Klein and future academy award winner Josh Hartnett mechs. This is, of course, part of our bad movie themed children’s animated TV show, Two Guys, Two Bots and a Za Spot. Similar to the Bad Movie Twins storyline, this is the continuing adventure of me, Patrick, and our best friends CK-bot and JH-tron (and a pizza place). Unlike the BMT storyline there is less gleaming abs and hardcore frenching and more lessons learned and pizza. In this adventure we would be challenged to a race by Goobert and his Rude Tudes, but ultimately we would decline as it’s reckless and irresponsible. Meanwhile, CK-bot and JH-tron would go ahead and race them and make them look like total IDIOTS. Wait, what was I talking about?

To recap, Doug Masters is the hot dogging son of a hot shot pilot. While Doug’s hot dogging around his father gets shot down over [REDACTED]. At the same time he is rejected from the Air Force Academy (presumably for all the hot dogging), which is equally devastating. When it becomes obvious that the US government is going to do nothing to save his father (now sentenced to death) he recruits a former pilot, Chappy, to help him plan a clandestine and highly illegal rescue mission. At first Chappy doesn’t like all the rock music that Doug seems to need to aid in his hot dogging, but the seriousness with which the kid pursues the mission eventually grows on him. They are aided by a group of air force base youngsters who create a highly organized mission that may actually have a chance at success. The day comes and off they fly to take out all kinds of military installations in [REDACTED]. He hot dogs for a bit, blowing stuff up and killing like a thousand people. Chappy is hit and appears to crash in the sea, which only lights a fire under Doug. He demands the release of his father and despite some trickery by the Defense Colonel of [REDACTED] he’s able to kill loads more people and pick up his dad (what one might term The Ultimate Hot Dog). As they fly away it appears that they are going to be shot down, but at the last moment the US Air Force arrives and escorts them back home. There it’s revealed that Chappy survived! Hooray! They are both reprimanded, but in a cheeky twist Doug is “punished” by being forced to attend the Air Force Academy. Double hooray! THE END.

This is a very funny movie. Essentially they ripped off Top Gun but then decided to mix it up with Goonies. The whole time I was thinking, “I wonder how they are going to avoid having this kid blow up a bunch of people with the fighter jet he’s going to pilot?” The answer? They don’t. He just does it. It’s really no wonder that it almost immediately veers away from those family-friendly vibes and closer to an actual rip-off of Top Gun as they proceeded through the sequels. Besides that (and some very funny 80’s conservative political banter) it’s actually a pleasantly silly watch. As for Bitter Harvest, well… this is a film that kind of has to be seen to be believed. Very strange stuff. But get the kids out of the room because, despite Stephen Baldwin playing a totally weird dude, there are several very steamy sex scenes that you will be treated to. Kudos to the two lead actresses for really going for it.  Despite it being steamy and off-putting at the same time (somehow), I do have to give the film credit for one thing: I did not see the ending coming.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Iron Eagle is a scathing indictment of the US Military. No, I don’t mean the fact that the US Government is ready to leave a US pilot hero behind enemy lines to be executed without any kind of mission planned. No, that makes some sense. Don’t want to start a war without exercising some caution. No, I mean the fact that Doug is able to execute a two-man fighter jet excursion into enemy territory by basically donning a helmet and jumping into a jet. This is a child. Isn’t anyone checking ID’s? Worrisome stuff. Hot Take Temperature: A piping hot hot dog straight off the grill.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Louis Gosset Jr. and a teenager committing high treason and killing dozens of people in an international incident involving David Suchet? Let’s go!

You heard that fucking right. In this film a teenager and Louis Gosset Jr. hop into fighter jets, fly across the ocean (including multiple mid-air refuels), kill dozens of people in definitely-not-Libya, personally kill the head of a sovereign nation’s defense administration in a dog fight, and then just … get away with it? Like they swear him to secrecy and stuff, but for real … are we at war with not-Libya? Right after the credits did I miss the part where we are now engaged in a land war in Africa?

Otherwise I mean … is this movie good? It’s goofy. But also, is that fine? Is it a good movie? I enjoyed it. It is explicitly propaganda with very weird messages about the military and government in general, but is an objectively fun film.

Suchet is funny because he is really only used as a villain in American productions and usually when they need someone “Arab adjacent” or possibly French (he is not, but he has a passable accent, possibly due in part to playing the famous Belgian detective Poirot on television). Lucky for me his inclusion allows me to ask the age old question for 90s films: Is this film how-you-say … racist? Verdict: one out of five Soldier Boyz.

Gosset Jr. is hilarious in this film, and he was really milking that Academy Award Winner sheen for all he got. All the power to him.

I could give or take the kid actors (although nice to see the kid from Teen Wolf killing it here too), especially the main character who acted a bit like the Karate Kid at his whiniest.

Some nice plane stunts in the beginning. That is probably the best bit to be honest.

The entire film would have been a bit more sensical if you took the beginning all the way through the planning stage, but then at the end Gosset Jr. came to him and was like “Sorry kid, but … I can’t let you do this mission. This is real shit. But I called in a few favors and they like the plan so I’m going in with a few wingmen and you’ll be in the room when it all goes down” and the message is basically like: sometimes you can’t take no for an answer, but also be smart and go through the right channels when real lives are on the line. In the end the result is the same (his father is saved), but ultimately the message is a bit softer and it makes far more sense that they are like: you’re really smart and you love flying, but most importantly you didn’t do the rash thing when it counted which is what we were worried about … you’re in the Air Force Academy kid. The End.

Did I make the film better or worse? I think better, but also I don’t think that film I just described has three hilarious sequels so … maybe the world is worse off in the long run.

And for this film we watched the very very (very) odd Stephen Baldwin film Bitter Harvest. So … what is this film? I can actually see why Stephen Baldwin did this film. On paper I’m sure it seemed pretty good. I’m sure the sex scenes weren’t so … explicit in writing. And it seems like a juicy part in that you are playing a somewhat odd and complex character. The thing that lets it down are the music is bonkers, and the sex scenes are graphic and unrelenting. You eliminate both of those and get a real director on this thing and it is possible you had a small forgotten indie on your hands instead of a small forgotten and tragically bad indie. You know what I mean? Anyways, I think this is a solid D. I would recommend this to no one. It is weird and you can find interesting stuff in it, but it is also crazy boring and took me a week to get through. This is a zero out of five on the how-you-say Soldier Boyz racism scale.

Obviously a Product Placement (What?) for the US Military Industrial Complex, just like with Top Gun. A pretty funny Fictional Setting (Where?) for definitely-not-Libya. I think the father is a living, breathing MacGuffin (Why?), because screw it. And I do love the amazing Worst Twist (How?) for Chappy being inexplicably alive at the end. This film is Good and I’ll fight anyone who thinks otherwise.

Read about my reboot in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

High School High Recap

Jamie

This cycle is great because it allows me to just look back in the New York Times listings and really get a feel for the time when a film like High School High was on television (September 1st, 1999). You’d probably think High School High was some afternoon affair, but no. It was on primetime on Fox going against The Man Without a Face (spoiler alert, he actually has a face). This is probably because early September is rerun time, so gotta get your ratings from a Jon Lovitz laughfest. If I had to highlight one other film it would be The Escape starring Patrick Dempsey. Still about 3 years from Sweet Home Alabama the film is probably the nadir of Dempsey’s career. I’m more interested in the fact that everywhere you look for a synopsis of the film you find essentially the same, boring thing: wrongfully convicted man escapes prison after 10 years of misery. Not NYTimes, though, no. “A prison security chief pursues a convict that escaped with hopes of opening a jazz nightclub.” No mention of wrongful conviction there… but gotta make sure the jazz nightclub makes the cut. Amazing.

To recap, Dick Clark (ha!) is a rich boy fed up with the silver spoon he was born with. He wants to test his novel teaching ideas (basically, “try”) outside of the private school his father runs. When he shows up at Marion Barry High School, though, he is shocked to find the conditions are horrible, the kids don’t listen, and there is an ongoing drug war. But no matter, Dick uses his plucky go-getter attitude to dive into the midst of it all. He identifies Griff as an underachiever and once he’s on board (and aspiring to college) the rest of the class follows suit. Dick even starts a relationship with his fellow teacher, Victoria. Things are looking up! But the drug gang and their mysterious crime boss, Mr. A, are having none of it and tamper with the students’ test scores. After everyone fails the students give up and Dick is fired. Griff, now disillusioned with school, joins the gang to sell drugs. When Victoria and Dick find out that the tests were messed with they rush to Griff’s rescue. They find out Mr. A is none other than the eeevil principal of the school (what a twist!) and a fight ensues. Once that’s wrapped up they get everything corrected, Dick becomes principal, the students head off the college, and Dick and Victoria smooch a bunch probably. THE END.

If that sounded like a rather sweet and serious film rather than a spoof of the sweet and serious films it’s meant to be mocking you aren’t wrong. High School High certainly starts out with a bunch of jokes. Mostly they are somewhat clever visual gags, which are part of why I have a vague recollection of liking the film when I saw it as a kid. The weird thing is that once we get into the meat of the plot it veers into something that is largely indistinguishable from something like Dangerous Minds. The mistake is that Lovitz’s character is just too sweet and good natured. Ultimately he has a happy ending because he’s on the right side of everything. He’s not even a buffoon or nothing. Just a good guy. I would think the real spoof of the genre would be to turn the ‘white savior’ trope upside down and make the guy kind of dopey, so dopey in fact that the students realize that if a buffoon like that can become a teacher then they definitely can too. Not the case, though. Fortunately it’s not nearly as offensive as it could be… in fact I think the poster is the most offensive aspect when compared to anything actually in the film. As for Soldier Boyz, hooooooooo doggy. Now that’s a Bring a Friend. That film is wild. It’s about how Michael Dudikoff is tasked with rescuing a woman from a rebel group in Southeast Asia and insists on taking a bunch of juvenile delinquents along with a promise of freedom for any who survive. That… that’s simply deranged. The whole film is deranged. I can’t believe it exists. If you are looking for something real dumbo to watch then check out this one. It’s a gem.

Hot Take Clam Bake! You know what guys? I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Jon Lovitz and Tia Carrere… not gonna make it. I know, I know. Hard to believe, but it’s true. The real issue that will come up is that Lovitz just cares too much (which is also, coincidentally, my biggest flaw). So he’s gonna be looking around and thinking “if it worked here, it can work anywhere,” and that’s a slippery slope to “if it worked here, it can work EVERYWHERE.” If you’re trying to make something work everywhere you just don’t have time for your lady love. Soon she must say goodbye and find love with someone who can give her the love and attention she needs. Alas… alas. Hot Take Temperature: Jon Lovitz.

Patrick? 

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Wait a minute … are we talking about Jon Lovitz in the leading role of an over-the-hill Zucker spoof-that-seems-more-earnest-than-a-spoof? Let’s go!

This film seems how-you-say … racist? But I’ll let film scholars debate the merits of High School High’s commentary on the public school system and race via spoof.

And yeah, this movie has a plot so similar to prior BMT film Dangerous Minds that it makes you wonder by the end whether they got cold feet and made it earnest on purpose or what. Because the back third of this film is kind of just a film about Lovitz getting through to these kids and teaching them the value of an honest education.

The beginning is decently funny. Some funny gags and they do an okay job with making the school ludicrous. The back half of the film on the other hand … well, we already went into the earnest part, but the real crime is the film just completely stops being funny once it needs to have a little heart at all.

I should mention that I’ve seen this film a few times. It was on Comedy Central quite a lot when we were growing up. I don’t remember it being funny then though. So I guess it isn’t quite an Ace Ventura scenario in that sense.

This was well and truly the last gasp of Zucker as well. He would write Baseketball (but that isn’t a spoof really), and then start working on G.O.P. ad campaigns a few years later and that was all she wrote.

Now as for our Friend this week Soldier Boyz, hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo doggy (to borrow a phrase from Jamie, but mine is better because it was longer). Uh … this movie is how-you-say … racist? Was there something wrong with us in the 90s … you know what, this is a larger conversation we don’t need to get into, focus. This movie is insane. Imagine a film where the actual message is “how do I get through to these literally murderer teenagers … I got it! Take them on a life-or-death mission to Vietnam and have them pretend to be soldiers (boyz) to win a ticket to freedom! We did it, gang!” It might just be the craziest idea I’ve ever seen. It is ludicrous. All the people (including Dudikoff) are bad people. But yet I can’t look away, there is just something so bizarrely 90s about it. A- I think. Just some of the best-worst acting and off the hook plotting for an action film ever. A must for all those dudikated Dudikoff-heads out there.

Let’s see. Product Placement (What?) for the 1959 Chevrolet Corvette C1, don’t even ask, I’m counting it. Setting as a Character (Where?) for California obviously. And Worst Twist (How?) as well for the inevitable reveal that Louise Fletcher was the bad guy all along. Amazing, her first ever role as an evil person. Anyways, this is a Good film, like kind of funny at times, Lovitz is quite charming, it is fine for a 90s spoof, just not very funny, just kinda.

Read all about the sequel to High School High in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Retribution Recap

Jamie

It’s been a wild ride for BMT Live! this year. Our qualification system is built for yesteryear and there are two compounding things occurring in films right now. One is that the way films are released is rapidly changing. Things go to streaming way quicker now (our last Live, Meg 2, is already there) and so often have very limited releases, which makes it way harder to understand what a “wide release” even is. Additionally (and more insidiously) films are just better reviewed now. There is some recent reporting from Vulture that reveals some of why that is, but the why is less important than the simple fact that we are rapidly approaching a critical point. There might very well be a year where we don’t even get 13 films with reviews poor enough to qualify for BMT (a minimum quota). I’m sure we’ll write a lot more about this in the future as there is only one word that adequately describes this dire situation: tragedy. Fortunately Liam Neeson is working diligently to help our cause. We thank him for his service (and hope that we don’t find out that we’re dealing with a Bruce Willis scenario).

To recap, Liam Neeson is a kind of skeezy hedge fund manager whose wife wants to divorce him and kids think is just a workaholic liar. They are correct as we find that his fund is in deep shit. But he’s about to find himself in even deeper shit when he gets a call and is told that a bomb has been placed under his car seat and will blow up if he tries to leave. Forced to follow the directions of the anonymous voice (and fearing for his kids’ lives, who also happen to be in the car) he drives his way around Berlin witnessing other cars explode from the comfort of his luxury Mercedes. Mercedes… if you can’t leave your car for fear of exploding, you better make it a Mercedes. First it’s a coworker of his and then it’s his partner, Anders. Additionally, he’s forced to have his wife pick up some money during which he finds out about the divorce. During one of the explosions his daughter is seriously injured and he becomes enraged. He turns into The Neeson and Tokyo Drifts his way into a tunnel where the lack of cell phone service allows him some separation from the voice. After allowing for his kids to be rescued, The Neeson Tokyo Drifts his way out of the tunnel and back in pursuit of the baddie. After luring him into the car it’s revealed to be Anders (what a twist!). He faked his death and is doing it for those sweet dollar dollar bills y’all. The Neeson is like “oh yeah?” and crashes his car in the perfect way to allow for him to escape and Anders to explode. Hooray! Although, he probably still gets divorced. THE END.

There are two things amusing about this film. One is just how similar it is to the BMT classic Getaway. Anonymous voice, vast conspiracy, family in trouble. We were both hoping beyond hope that this film would end in a similar way to that one: the voice reveals that it was all a ruse in order to allow Neeson to realize that he can still pursue his auto racing career. But alas, the twist here is much less goofy. The second is obviously the inevitable comparisons to the other recent Neeson action dreck. Interestingly, this came out pretty favorably in that regard. Blacklight is terrible and Memory has some interesting things in it (but is still pretty terrible). This moved everything along quick enough to not feel trapped in the movie theater (high praise, I know). Sure the acting is horrible and it’s dumb as rocks, but it doesn’t upset me like Meg 2: The Trench. If this is the direction (and director) they go with then maybe Neeson still has a few more in him.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Uh, I think you know what happened here. Liam Neeson is a bad dad. He’s a bad dad banking dad. Everyone hates him. He hates himself. He sees on the news in the morning that there was a car bombing. He starts to day dream. It’s a world where his kids are trapped in a car with him and they are threatened. Ultimately he saves the day and they say they love him and he gets to be the big hero that kills that asshole Anders (fucking Anders). As the film ends we zoom into Liam Neeson’s eye to reveal that this was all a dream. His wife is telling him that he better hurry if he wants to get the kids to school on time, which he does… and then he gets back to cheating people out of their money. His retribution was but a dream. Hot Take Temperature: the sizzling remains of a blown up Mercedes.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! I have a new joke for you. You know how old Liam Neeson is? (How old is he?! You all cheer). Oh man, Liam Neeson is so old he now spends 90% of an action film literally sitting down and not being allowed to get up under threat of death! Let’s go!

Boy oh boy. We do sometimes make some odd choices for Lives don’t we?

In our defense this time, this film was inevitable. This wasn’t Keeping up with the Joneses where we had no business watching this and could have just forgot it existed. A new Liam Neeson film? Welp, we have to watch that.

It is a bit perplexing. Other actors, of course, have done this. Done a bunch of schlock at the tail end of their careers for retirement cash. There is nothing wrong with that. The confusing bit is how are they getting wide releases? I really don’t get it. I would have thought Blacklight and this in particular would have gone the Ice Road route and been straight to streaming.

If I had to rank Blacklight, The Ice Road, Memory, Retribution, and The Commuter (to get an even 5) it would be: (1) The Commuter, a real movie and quite fun; (2) The Ice Road, entertaining for what it is with some decent actors; (3) Retribution, sure nothing is super novel here, but it is an entertaining idea at least, good for a stream; (4) Memory, I’ve come around a bit on this, even though I still don’t like the subject matter and I think Neeson’s acting choices are odd, they at least go for something; (5) Blacklight, useless garbage.

So mid-table for recent choices by Liam Neeson (that I’ve seen), which sounds right. The son isn’t a super great actor, and the twist is pretty dumb. But it goes at a good clip, and the underlying story feels a little thought through.

As I said, it was inevitable that we’d see it so it was unavoidable.

Theater review – As usual, quite good. I hear a lot about bad experiences these days, and I’m sure there are for Friday night horror films which would attract a lot of teens, but the days/times we go seem to be pretty light and I haven’t had a bad experience in the theater in quite a while. This was no different, although I was shocked that anyone was in the theater for a 2PM Labor Day showing of Retribution.

Obviously the film was huge on car Product Placement (What?) which included Neeson’s 100 thousand Euro Mercedes, and Modine’s Maserati. Great European Setting as a Character (Where?) for Berlin, which ended up being vital to the plot, what with their famously punctual train system. And a Worst Twist (How?) obviously for the reveal that Modine faked his own death in order to steal the 200 million Euro finance fund and frame Neeson for it. This is a Bad film, just not enough there to sustain any sort of BMT interest.

Read about my prequel to Retribution in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Clifford Recap

Jamie

At times Patrick and I have been fascinated by different aspects of the NY Times TV listings. One such interest was the HMS primetime block. HBO, MAX (Cinemax) and SHO (Showtime) would almost always show a film starting at 8pm. So you could get a surefire movie marathon by just looking at a random day. But September 1st, 1995 isn’t random (it’s when Clifford and Ski School played on TV together, obviously) and it almost hits a BMT Triple with Police Academy: Mission to Moscow on Cinemax, Getting Even with Dad on Showtime, and Black Rain on HBO. Black Rain is just a little too mediocre for our tastes. But that’s a tasty triple feature. It could have even hit a coveted Grand Slam as the Emilio Estevez stinker Wisdom was playing on basic cable at 8pm (in the NYC area). Oh how I’ve begged that we watch Wisdom for BMT. The film is the worst.

To recap, Martin is a successful architect ready to settle down with his GF Sarah. Unfortunately, he’s been too shortsighted to realize that Sarah wants kids and it’s a dealbreaker. In order to convince her of his seriousness about kids he takes his brother up on an offer to take care of his nephew, Clifford. Turns out Clifford is a sociopathic monster dead set on ruining the lives of anyone who stands in the way between him and his beloved Dinosaur World. It should all go swimmingly, especially since Martin also happens to have designed the premier ride at Dino World. But, uh oh! Martin’s boss has his eyes set on both Sarah and making Martin’s life hell. Bogged down with a boatload of work Martin has to break it to Clifford that they won’t make it to DW. Clifford? Unamused. Hijinks? Ensuing. First Clifford tries to run away. Then he ruins a big anniversary dinner for Sarah’s parents. He gets Martin arrested, tricks him into taking a train to SF, throws a big party in Martin’s house, and then convinces Sarah that Martin has been mistreating him. This all culminates in Clifford sabotaging Martin’s big presentation at work, which gets him fired. Driven insane, Martin takes Clifford to Dino World after hours and tortures him by forcing him to go on his favorite ride at increasingly dangerous speed. When the ride breaks, Martin realizes how wrong he’s been and saves Clifford. We are then told that ultimately, after much pleading, Martin forgave Clifford and let him be part of Sarah and his wedding. THE END.

We’ve been watching a lot of films from our youth recently (The Great Outdoors better watch out). I’m always curious to find out whether something I have fond memories of has curdled with time. I’d actually say that Clifford came out largely unscathed in the sense that as a kid I enjoyed Martin Short’s antics as a grown man pretending to be a little boy. As an adult I still think it’s an amusing visual gag. If you’re not in on that joke, though, then he’s super annoying, in your face 100% of the time, and it’s just the same joke over and over. But really the standout for me was something I didn’t appreciate at all as a kid: the final scene at Dino World. It’s amazing! They built a giant Dino roller coaster set and made some beautiful matte backdrops for the climax of the film and you have to give them credit for that. I guess I shouldn’t oversell the movie, which is admittedly mostly devoid of laughs, but given how brutal the reviews were I’d say that it’s better than a totally unfunny annoyance.

As for Ski School, buckle up… I loved this movie. It’s the kind of T&A comedy I’m here for. They are in on the joke. They try to be serious at times and then turn to the camera and say ‘nah’ and go right back to partying. How do they get in trouble? Partying. How do they cope with their fall from grace? Partying. How do they win the day? Partying. It’s just a beautiful piece of fluff. I could do without the intense gay panic scene, but… it was a different time. Overall, this is what the Bring a Friend category was made for. L-O-V-E-D I-T.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I didn’t mention much about the bookends of the film. It’s Clifford in 2050 telling the tale of his youth in order to convince a trouble maker to reform his ways and learn to apologize. My take? This is all bullshit. None of the film actually happened. The old priest or monk or whatever we see is indeed Clifford, but the story never happened. He was a good boy who grew up to be a good man who has one bad characteristic: he lies to little boys about his own life to convince them to be good. In fact, I bet Clifford 2 would open with the end of this film and then he’d turn around, find another kid, and make up some other bullshit. Hot Take Temperature: Hot Fiery Breath of Larry the Scary Rex.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Martin Short playing a 10-year-old and doing … no wait, I think that is the one joke in the entire film. Let’s go!

The reviews for this film are vicious. Ebert’s entire review is basically that he was in a theater full of critics and not one (other) person laughed. He apparently laughed once and then he thinks someone else laughed at him laughing once.

I don’t think it is quite so bad. The deconstruction of Grodin throughout the film as it slowly dawns on him that he’s dealing with a genuine 10-year-old sociopath sometimes enters the sublime, in particular the moment that he demands that Clifford look at him like “a real human boy” and is flabbergasted when he is unable to do it.

And the little moments where Clifford’s eyes go completely blank shows off what Short would eventually perfect as he went through Glick and other characters over the years.

The main issue (besides the film not actually being funny very often) is that they pick up and drop storylines so often that it is obvious that they edited this thing to pieces as Orion went under. You never see Clifford’s family again. They very rarely touch on Clifford being a genius (even though it is obvious that that is necessary for the story to make sense). There is no explanation of how Grodin got out of his bomb threat, or what happened to his job, or the amusement park. There is just an odd bookend which ultimately gives everyone a happy ending. You never see Grodin’s father-in-law again, even during the wedding scene, despite them making a big deal about him hating Grodin. And most egregiously, they never once mention the house Grodin bought in the beginning of the film … I suppose we are to believe he ultimately sold it?

If I were to attempt to “fix” a bit of the film, I would get rid of the bookends and instead open with something that shows how similar Grodin and Clifford are, something about them both working on something, but Grodin’s is the model he’s building, and Clifford’s is a giant model of Dinosaur World. At the end, after Grodin saves Clifford, I would then show him forgiving Clifford, and ultimately selling the house and marrying his girlfriend. I would end with a grown up Clifford voiceover saying he didn’t see his uncle much after that because they soon had a kid … and that he was even worse than him. Ultimately setting up the possibility of a sequel where Short plays Grodin’s now 10-year-old child who is (effectively) Clifford as well.

The movie as it stands is basically a bad-to-mediocre SNL movie. It is a sketch which you can imagine sustaining 2 minutes of a “comedic bad seed” premise as Clifford makes awkward comments and frustrates his father / uncle / guardian for a short time at a dinner / amusement park / museum. And then overstaying his welcome in the 5 or 6 sketches as they run out of ideas for places for Clifford to go. They then make a 90 minute movie which boils down to a single joke: Martin Short is a 10-year-old. That’s it, there isn’t much else to it, and the “sketch” is often not funny beyond this single simple premise.

Lucky for us we got to watch a genuinely amusing Friend this week in Ski School. Sure, there are problematic aspects to any film of the T&A Porky’s era. Some serious gay panic and non-serious female characters. But overall the film was fun and Dean Cameron was pretty incredible. One of the more amusing segments was the characters teaching everyone the Lambada (the Forbidden Dance!) which indeed, was a big deal in the late 80s when this was made, and a year later there would be not one, but two Lambada films (called Lambada and The Forbidden Dance, naturally). Would recommend to pair with the It’s Always Sunny episode (also starring Dean Cameron) where they go skiing, one of the best episodes of the series. A+, I would watch friends like these all day.

I kind of like the idea that there is Product Placement (What?) for Amtrak which allows Grodin to get to San Francisco toot sweet. Definitely Setting as a Character (Where?) for L.A. which gets a lot of play in the house he buys and also as a stopover on the way from Chicago to Hawaii. And I like the borderline MacGuffin (Why?) for Dinosaur World, which is Clifford’s motivation throughout the film. Closest to Bad unfortunately, it just doesn’t have enough jokes to really sustain itself.

Read about the Clifford sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Once Bitten Recap

Jamie

It’s January 30th, 1991. You glance at the front page of the New York Times, but you aren’t here to marvel at the good and bad of the world. You are here on a mission. You want to laugh… hard. You flip to the TV listings. What luck! Right there on Fox primetime is Once Bitten starring Jim Carrey. In Living Color’s so hot right now. But you got a belly full of laughs that you gotta let out. You don’t just need one comedy, you need an all-nighter of comedy. Obvs you’ll catch Summer Job come 3 a.m., but the comedy pickings are slim when the night owls are out hunting for steamy thrills. Don’t worry, though, Lady Luck is with you tonight because at 1 a.m. you got Hot Pursuit starring John Cusack. Phew. And that, my friends, is how you build a big beautiful BMT Triple Feature.

To recap, Mark is your typical high school student just jonesing to lose his virginity. One problem, his girlfriend, Robin, wants it to be special. Oh no! (the opinions expressed in this film/recap do not reflect those of BMT). His friends are like “don’t sweat it, bro. Let’s go to Hollywood and pick up some chicks.” This predictably goes horribly until Mark is unexpectedly picked up by The Countess. She’s an older lady that the viewers know is actually a vampire. Turns out she needs to drink three times from the blood of a virgin in order to retain her immortality and control of her bevy of vampire underlings. Unfortunately, she’s having a terrible time in 90’s LA finding a virgin… you know… because of all the sex having, etc. That night she gets her first drink from Mark. Two more to go. The Countess is surprised, though, that Mark seems intent on making things right with Robin. As time goes on Mark starts to act more and more bizarre. Once The Countess gets her second bite, even Robin notices something is off. A bunch of gay panic ensues, but ultimately she figures out that he’s being turned into a vamp (as the kids say). There is a confrontation with The Countess at a spooktacular dance (best scene in cinematic history) which forces The Countess to kidnap Robin and lure Mark and his pals to her lair for a final showdown. As Mark and Robin attempt to flee it looks like they are going to be trapped by the vampires until Robin and Mark hop in a coffin and make sweet, sweet love to each other. This breaks the spell and The Countess fails. THE END.

I didn’t like this film much, although my recollection from catching it in pieces on TV as a kid was that it was weird and boring like some 80’s comedies are. I wouldn’t necessarily say that my beautiful adult mind now perceives it that way, but it does have a bit of a high concept problem. You have to buy in on the premise of the humor to really buy in on the film as a whole. So is the gender-swapped concept of a female vampire bedding the “last virgin in school” funny to you? Then you might get some goofy laughs out of the antics of his silly friends and a transcendent dance scene (truly wonderful stuff). To me it felt a little overwritten. Oh, and the gay panic in the film was so extreme that it’s hard to laugh past. On a brighter side I did think a couple vampire ideas in the film were presented in a compelling way, particularly the idea that the female vampire used her male familiar to apply makeup. And I thought the actress who portrayed Robin (Karen Kopins) was very cute and quite talented. She’s not the best actress, but it was so early (Carrey was also a bit rough). Acting can be learned and she seemed to have all the natural talent and charisma that could have made for a bigger career.

As for our Friend this week, Summer Job… uh… well, it existed. It certainly was put on film and released in some format. It is total garbage and actually makes me wonder how it is that someone makes something like that and thinks it’s normal or funny or anything at all. Nothing makes sense. It has no plot. All the characters pair off even though they are mostly gross and off-putting. It makes me question the entire Bring-A-Friend premise, except that this film played numerous times on TV in the 90’s! It was worth watching, but not worth the watch, if you know what I mean.

Hot Take Clam Bake! The Countess was actually dead the whole time. JK. I don’t buy for one second that she’s having trouble finding a virgin in LA just because it’s the 80’s. Mark’s two friends also appear to be virgins (one of them for sure). She could also rustle up a few down at the local church I’m sure. It’s all bunk. She just doesn’t want to admit a few things: 1) the virgin she finds would become part of their group and she doesn’t want any lame-o’s. 2) She’s so enthralling that the instant she “beds” an actually cool virgin he would become so empowered that he would bed another lady before she had a chance to drink his blood three times. 3) Even if that weren’t the case, the cool virgin would probably have a cool GF that she’d have to compete with. It’s a problem of her own making and really she should have taken one look at Robin and been like “Nevermind. Onto the next one.” She was Miss Connecticut! Hot Take Temperature: Rocking jazz dance number.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about early Jim Carrey in a T&A comedy about being the last virgin in LA and being hunted by sexy vampires? Let’s go!

That about sums it up actually. While I agree the movie is a bit weird because of how flat Jim Carrey is, you can already tell he’s going to be a star because they seemingly pulled him off the street and he acts circles around all of the young actors in the film. His friends are dire. Not surprisingly neither did much else in their careers.

The love interest was interesting. She was very cute. Miss Connecticut in 1977. Her story is interesting in that she did a number of somewhat odd smaller films (like Jake Speed), and then married her high school sweetheart, had four kids, and still lives in Connecticut.

If this film has any enduring BMT legacy it is the dance scene. It is pretty incredible. Perhaps a life long project of mine will be to collect some of these MonoSklogs and Dance Sklogs on a private server so I can just watch them and appreciate them. They belong in a museum!

Which then prompted me to ask “I wonder if I can see what Karen Kopin’s talent was in Miss America and whether it was dancing.” It was. Jazz dance. But here’s the thing … like all of the competitors’ talents are dance. An inordinate number. If you look at 1975-1984 Miss Connecticut talent was Dance, Vocal, Dance, Vocal, Dance, Piano (+ Vocal), Vocal, Vocal, Vocal, Clarinet. That is basically the same for Miss America, although the preliminary talent winners often seemed to do something different like gymnastics, trampoline, jump rope, or even chemistry. The actual winners tend to sing in the end.

Oh this film has one of the most extreme examples of gay panic in the history of film. For some reason, despite the girlfriend already observing that Carrey has no reflection (super odd), she decides his friends should check for a bite mark near his dick in the showers. Naturally this involves wrestling him and trying very intently to look at his dick. Which naturally makes everyone think they are not only gay but, presumably, violent rapists. Anyways, they lament their soon-to-be ostracization from society for being gay, although instead they end up bedding some vampires and maybe also becoming vampires (results unclear).

The point I suppose is that this film is old fashioned, but because of Jim Carrey and because of the dance scene, if you can look past the occasionally extended scene where people drop f-bombs (and not the good kind) then there is enjoyment to be had.

Oh boy, for this film we ended up picking a small film as a Friend that (1) played on the same date as Once Bitten did on primetime network television (January 30, 1991), and (2) played a lot. Which led us to choose the unfortunate film Summer Job (1989), which yeah, played 39 times in the early 90s. Here’s the thing: this isn’t a movie. We could make this movie. It appears to have used regional actors from Miami, filmed in a few days at a country club in the off season, and hired precisely one reasonably famous person, a Playboy Playmate who has the odd notoriety of having directed a film starring herself and Patrick Dempsey. I’m glad we did this film though. Because we needed to at some point explore this bad movie space. But I don’t think we’ll revisit things like this if we can avoid it. The film is mostly unpleasant, and the acting is horrible. The only fun bit was the band at the end called Outkast which if I didn’t know better I would think the movie was just an extended music video for. F if you watch the whole thing, A+ if you only watch the Outkast music video at the end.

Twin film alert (Who?) for the two characters credited simply as Twin Vampires. I think a decent Product Placement (What?) for Crunch Bar. Setting as a Character (Where?) for LA as well. A very very nice Secret Holiday Film (When?) for Halloween. I think a genuine MacGuffin (Why?) for the virgin which the vampire needs to bite three times to remain young. And you know what? I like the twist that they get out of the jam by having sex. Thems a lot of superlatives. I think this is BMT for the dance scene alone, if you can tolerate or ignore the many many homophobic slurs that are tossed around.

Read about the long time coming sequel to Once Bitten (obviously called Twice Bitten) in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Meg 2: The Trench Recap

Jamie

Meg Meg Meg Meg! We did it. Just when it seemed like no movie could qualify for BMT without hitting 39.9% on RT, we get a film that even dips below 30%. That’s like getting a 5% back in 2005. Take our recent fare, Serving Sara. That goes absolutely roasted by critics. It’s at 4% on RT. Abominable. You’d think the reviews would be like “this film ran over my dog” or something. But nah. They are mostly like “not funny and a waste of my valuable time”… 4%! For wasting the precious time of the reviewer who was warning you not to waste your valuable time on it. Thanks, reviewer. Nowadays reviewers don’t even have the common decency to warn you against mere wastes of time. They are like “maybe you like to waste your time” or “who am I to tell you how valuable your time is” or “time is a mere social construct and in fact cannot be wasted.” Case in point: Meg 2.

To recap, Jason Statham is back, Jack! And boy does he have a kid he’s trying to protect while they live on a research vessel studying The Trench and Megalodons. Seems like a primo place for your kid to be in danger, but you do you Statham. On just another routine mission the research subs are attacked by a Megalodon and they have to dive into The Trench. Things are getting hairy and only get hairier when it’s revealed that Statham’s daughter has stowed away. Entirely unpredictable event! Having veered into unexplored territory they are shocked to find a whole mining operation going on beneath their noses. The eeeevil miners blow up the trench and nearly destroy Statham and the gang. With time running out they make a break for the mining facility and get there just in time (for our main characters at least). They soon discover that this is all a plot by their eeeevil investor and their eeeevil coworker. Despite sabotage and fisticuffs, the gang is able to escape and make it back to the surface. They gather up the rest of the good guys and head to Fun Island, where a few Megs that escaped The Trench via the blast are heading. A big climactic scene occurs where the bad guys try to kill the good guys, the good guys try to kill the Megs, and the Megs try to kill everyone. Eventually Statham wins the day and everyone laughs and laughs and laughs. Oh and his kid is fine, but we all knew that, right? THE END.

The experience of watching this in the theater involved me and Patrick looking at each other over and over as the film devolved into an incoherent mess. At one point I mouthed, “This might be the worst thing I have ever seen” and I wasn’t wrong. When they find a secret laboratory on the bottom of the trench and dinos are attacking them and everything looks like total shit I wondered how in the world this wasn’t a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Fortunately it started to take itself slightly less seriously as the film progressed and so wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen. But it was close. I did not like the trash first film and this one is double trash and the sequel will probably be triple tr… oh, wait, sorry. I forgot my long running character, Franchise Man. Ahem. Here it goes… I loved this film. Feed me more Megs, please, I’ll gobble them up like a good piggy. Oink oink. Franchise Man! 

Hot Take Clam Bake! A hot take that was already in play from the first film is even more in play for this film. It’s not even a hot take. It’s an ice cold take. Why in the world is the minor that Jason Statham is the guardian of spending her days in a highly dangerous research lab? I don’t know what the laws are around the world, and if I learned one thing from Armaggeddon it’s that growing up on a highly dangerous ocean rig is pretty great, but still. The girl was nearly killed by a Megalodon already… now she’s just hanging out at the only Megalodon research facility in the world? Someone needs to do something. Get that girl out of there before… damn it, too late, she’s already stowed away on your doomed adventure. Now she’s destined to marry whatever Ben Affleck stand-in you find for Meg 3: Ocean Hole. Congrats. Hot Take Temperature: the ice cold waters of the Marianas Trench.

Patrick? 

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about the worst trailer I’ve ever seen about three giant sharks trying to chow down on Olympic-caliber diver Jason Statham? Good luck, sharks, he’s smooth like a seal and has shark-like speed in the water. Let’s go!

I’m not joking. When the trailer dropped for this guy I gasped at how bad it looked. Walking on the bottom of the Marianas Trench? Giant CGI sharks attacking Fun Island? Shooting guns and battling dinosaurs in the ocean? It looked aggressively dumb and not in the usual way. I shouted (my wife can testify) “If this isn’t BMT there is no God!” Well, we did it boys, God lives (for now …).

The young lady sitting next to me in the theater was on her phone 100% of the time during this film. One might ask why? Why pay for a movie and then not watch it? Only she knows.

We also watched it in 3D. Bar none, this was the worst 3D film I’ve ever seen. There are two pretty major action scenes which are normal action scenes and in 3D they are 100% incoherent. Completely nonsensical.

So what did we learn? We learned that you can swim around on the bottom of the ocean as long as you fill your sinuses with water because water is incompressible. Makes sense … (ignore the air in your GI tract, and I’m going to assume that it would do something to your eyes / brain, but the internet is somewhat inconclusive on this matter).

We learned that after swimming around on the bottom of the ocean you can wake up with no ill-effects and get into a fist fight with a martial artist and be pretty okay. Hot take: I think that maybe in reality filling your entire head with water and passing out might not be something you can wake up and recover from in a hot second.

We learned that dinosaurs live on the bottom of the ocean, but also those same dinosaurs can pop up on the surface and walk around … like that’s totally normal right? Just breathing underwater and then popping out and running around and eating people. That’s how things work in real life right?

We learned that you should definitely have a group of effectively faceless “friends” who can die in various ways. And also that that one person who you declare you’ve been friends with for “four years” but wasn’t in the first film is probably the bad guy.

Speaking of which, one of the good guys was like “we can all trust each other in this room, we need to find the mole” and I practically shouted “blonde-haired lady is the bad guy!” in the theater. So dumb.

A funny Product Placement (What?) for Page Kennedy’s MCM Worldwide survival backpack, probably the only genuinely funny moment in the film. Setting as a Character (Where?) for the Marianas Trench. And Worst Twist (How?) for the “reveal” that the head of the company (and one of the engineers) are in cahoots to mine the bottom of the ocean (!) for some rare material (!) worth billions (!). This film is BMT nonsense and it isn’t boring, which feels abnormal for the big bad BMT blockbusters we usually watch for Live.

Read about my sequel idea in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Magic in the Water Recap

Jamie

For films that I don’t have much personal history with or don’t have any broader implications for our BMT venture (and Magic in the Water certainly fits that bill) I like to look back at the date that the film was released. Oddly this film was allegedly released on a Wednesday, which is apparently true as the New York Times does state that it “Starts Today” in that Wednesday’s Magic in the Water ad. I guess this was to capture the magic in the Labor Day weekend or something. But that’s not the headline to my journey back to August 30th, 1995. No, the headline is the relatively small banner that ran under the poster for the film:

I smell a new cycle. Gotta catch ‘em all, and I don’t mean Pokemon. I mean this level of product tie-in. It’s gorgeous.

To recap, the Black family are off to Glenorky for the summer. Father, Jack (yes, his name is Jack Black), is a psychiatrist-turned-radio-host who is attempting to write a new book. He’s a workaholic and the kids, Ashley and Josh, are struggling to connect to him. Lucky for Ashley she’s got America’s favorite cookie Oreo to keep her company. Even luckier? There is also a monster in the lake, Orky, that enjoys America’s favorite cookie Oreo too (despite being a very Canadian monster). Jack starts to get to know a local psychiatrist and finds that she’s treating a bunch of men in town for “hallucinations” that occur after allegedly interacting with Orky. When Ashley runs away one night, Jack is aided by Orky to save her in the nick of time. This interaction with Orky gives Jack a psychic connection that tunes him into the fact that Orky is being hurt by something nefarious in the lake. Turns out some local industrialists are illegally dumping their waste in the lake and are getting more and more concerned that a bunch of Japanese scientists are going to find out what they are doing. Just when Jack is locked up for his increasingly bizarre behavior, the industrialists hatch a plan to use a big ol’ monster submarine to trick the Japanese researchers into thinking the monster was just a ruse the whole time and to leave them alone. It’s up to the kids to stop them and they hijack the submarine, which unfortunately sinks. They are definitely going to die and it’s real grim, but then Orky comes and saves them. Jack is also suddenly there too and they all watch as Orky dies from exposure to the waste. They then leave Orky’s cave and are pretty bummed actually. But then Orky comes back to life and eats a bunch more of America’s favorite cookie Oreo. THE END.

That all actually happened. I can’t tell if this is as bizarre as I think it is or we just don’t watch kids movies enough. Maybe it’s only bizarre that it made it to theaters. Or maybe it’s only bizarre that it was a random Canadian film plucked from obscurity in America’s thirst for Loch Ness Monster content. Or maybe it’s not bizarre at all. It’s impossible for me to tell. The only thing I know is this is a children’s movie where some kids are sad because their dad is locked up in an insane asylum and they are left alone and then they almost die in a submarine accident and then their monster friend actually does die right in front of them. It’s just… they spend an inordinate amount of time showing you the unpleasant and bizarre behavior of a man driven insane by his contact with a supernatural being. It sounds like I’m describing a horror film. That’s because it was horrific.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Patrick should have put a spoiler warning on his section cause you better believe all those kids died in that submarine. You couldn’t ask for a more perfect “moment before death” scene than the kids being reunited with their crazy dad in Orky’s cave just before the monster dies… but wait, actually no he is still alive, see he ate some cookies. Uh, really? No wonder wikipedia’s synopsis for the film ends by saying that the cookies being eaten at the end “suggest that Orky is still alive, or reincarnated.” They can’t tell because it doesn’t matter. Just the sad dreams of a girl dying in a submarine. Hot Take Temperature: Oreo.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we sitting here feeling like kids again because an ancient wise sea monster inhabited our soul?! Let’s go!

It’s been a minute since we did a kids’ movie. Let the useless nonsense wash over you like a Glenorky tide.

Mark Harmon … oh boy. I feel like in this film you can witness his transition from that 80s scamp in Summer School, to no nonsense dad (or dad adjacent) character in this film right here. Do you think while filming he thought to himself: I feel young again. Maybe Summer School 2 is in the books!

The kid actors were pretty solid though. I’m surprised the daughter didn’t act in anything else. Unless you count a creepy looking FMV kids adventure game called Piper. Joshua Jackson was a child actor star, charisma out the wazoo.

The direction does let it down on occasion. Mainly just small asides they do (in particular a short shot of Jackson putting Cap’n Crunch on some bread and eating it). And the bad guy plot feels like it was shot by someone else who was trying to make a live action Captain Planet episode.

The film is much better earlier when it is just about a father who has lost his way prior to him becoming a kid again.

The submarine death scene is harrowing though. Seems likely that we are dealing with a Jacob’s Ladder situation and the children died in the sub and Harmon died in the fall into the cavern below the beach. Sad stuff.

Also the degree to which Dr. Wanda Bell seems to be over-prescribing sedatives to fairly innocuous (if delusional) people seems problematic. As is her seeming to be primarily practicing psychiatry when she admits to being trained as a general practitioner.

The only thing I’ll say that I did like how the fun kiddy nonsense they partake in (controlling the clouds, digging to China, etc.) all played into the final scene where that is how Harmon saves his kids and how the daughter saves Orky from discovery. The one moment the script seems to shine through a bit.

Oh … I mean I can’t not mention the Oreos. America’s favorite cookie! Everyone is just chowing down on Oreos. Orky is chowing down on Oreos. Oreos are everywhere. It is one of the craziest things I’ve ever seen.

Obviously Product Placement (What?) for Oreos, America’s favorite cookie. Setting as a Character (Where?) for the mythical town of Glenorky. I think Orky might be a living breathing MacGuffin (Why?). And Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that that sad death scene was a ruse, and Orky lives! Or is it Orky Jr? We’ll never know. This is closest to BMT I think. It ain’t good, but I also didn’t find it particularly unpleasant, so I think it works for a very rare BMT kids’ film.

Read about my sequel idea in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Serving Sara Recap

Jamie

Serving Sara came out on a balmy August day 21 years ago. Late August doldrums where films went to die, or at least that’s how it used to be. Nowadays hits come whenever the audience demands it. But back then? No, the major releases that week were Undisputed, S1m0ne, and this (and none of them cracked the top 5). Barbenheimer this was not. But you wouldn’t know that from the advertisements. Check out these quotes from the NYTimes:

Not only are these egregiously long, but they are real embarrassing. I hope whoever these critics are got paid a pretty penny for delivering this level of comedy. And even funnier than that? If you look closely at the first and the third they are by the same guy, Earl Dittman from Wireless Magazines. I wonder who that is? Oh ho, he has a wikipedia page… that appears entirely devoted to the fact that he churns out these quotes for national exposure.

Wow.

To recap, Matthew Perry is a former lawyer-turned-kinda-bad-process-server. When the rival at his company screws up a job he’s given one last chance to deliver for an important client. The job: deliver divorce papers to Elizabeth Hurley as filed in the state of Texas. After he easily does this, he inadvertently spills that it’s too bad the papers weren’t filed in New York where she would make more money… this gives Hurley a brilliant idea. They strike a deal for $1 million where Perry will switch sides and serve her husband instead. Perry’s boss is pissed and gets the other process server on the case, but Perry is too smart for that and sends him on a wild goose chase. Meanwhile they head to Texas where the real chase begins. They follow her husband from Dallas to their ranch in Laredo. Eventually they find the husband’s new mistress who proposes a deal that Perry quickly accepts. But what an idiot! It was a trick set up by his rival. Oh no! They have lost… or have they? (what a twist!) Turns out the rival made a similar boneheaded error that he made in the beginning of the movie and Perry still has one hour to track down Hurley’s husband. They chase him into a monster truck rally (naturally) where he is eventually served and all the bad guys are gravely injured. Perry uses his money to open a vineyard and he and Hurley smooch… hard. THE END.

This is a generally unpleasant movie. View from the Top? Pleasant people, happy they were happy. Serving Sara? Just a bunch of people scrounging around for money. Perry’s character in particular is confounding. The backstory makes no sense… he didn’t like defending criminals anymore so he quit being a good lawyer to be a terrible process server? Why not just, you know… become a good lawyer doing good things? Anway, I did think Hurley was surprisingly charming. It made me wonder why she wasn’t a bigger star. Maybe she was too “hot,” or maybe she chose family instead, but she was quite good even though she and Perry had negative chemistry. 

Hot Take Clam Bake! My take is Perry’s character is actually in witness protection. He talks about how he used to be a lawyer but got tired of defending the bad people like mobsters. So he quit… quit? You don’t just quit defending the mob, capiche? It explains all the other weird stuff going on. He was good enough to defend high profile bad guys and yet when he gives that up he’s just a second rate, anonymous process server in the biggest city in the world? Def in witness protection after giving up the good on the Chicago mob. That’s the sequel, in fact… when they finally hit it big by winning a prestigious wine award, the mobsters come a-knockin’. Hot Take Temperature: City Heat.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Matthew Perry playing Chandler Bing in a major motion picture … again … because that’s the character he plays in most things he’s in? Also Elizabeth Hurley, my god. Let’s go!

As a young man Elizabeth Hurley was right there in the perfect position for me to have a crush on. Basically it is entirely because of Austin Powers (let’s see, Young Patrick is 11 when that comes out, check) and a little because of Bedazzled (2000, but while I don’t have the data to back it up, suffice it to say this was on ALL THE TIME on television). Her career is funny because as far as leading stuff is concerned … uh, those two and this are just about it. She was made famous for being Hugh Grant’s girlfriend when he became famous. And then she had a kid and semi-retired (a tale as old as time).

Matthew Perry on the other had a very well known (now) drug problem throughout the run of Friends (“fat Chandler” effectively marks when he was off opioids). During the filming of Serving Sara I think he was just out of rehab and struggling, but you can see “fat Chandler” return for a true blue cameo right at the end of the film.

There’s a funny segment by Norm MacDonald where he claims that Perry’s assistant told him that he wanted to do a sketch where Perry is teaching a class on “Matt Speak”. And Norm is like “What’s Matt Speak?” And the assistant is like “you know, how Chandler speaks, with that irreverence, poking fun at people.” And Norm is like “You mean sarcasm?” I only bring this up because this movie is, much like all of Perry’s feature films, an exercise in “Hey hey hey … do Chandler. Do Chandler, but he’s a process server.”

Speaking of which, no occupation has had the weirder Hollywood representations as process server I think. Almost certainly 99.99999% of the time the process server just walks up to people and hands them subpoenas. But in the movies they always have elaborate costumes and stuff.

Jerry Stiller is in this and makes the same prostate joke as he would make in Zoolander.

This movie is a mess. A complete and utter mess. Four thousand things are flying around all the time during it. Cedric the Entertainer is dancing. The competing process server is sent to Miami and Bangor. It is half a road trip film, but really, they are flying places and you don’t really know where they are half the time. You can’t tell why Perry is a process server (despite him allegedly having a whole anecdote as to why he is one), and you barely get any back story about Hurley at all (why is she, a British woman, married to a Texas cattle rancher? Completely unexplained). There are the occasional joke, but for every one of those there is a bad bull ass puppet waiting in the wings.

Definitely a Product Placement (What?) for Verizon which comes in a few times, most notably on the many payphones Perry uses during the film. I think there is a Setting as a Character (Where?) for Texas. A huge Secret Holiday Film (When?) because throughout the film there are decorations for Christmas everywhere, but there is very very little indication or acknowledgment by anyone that it is, in fact, Christmas. One hundred percent a BMT comedy, in that there is just enough to make you ask why anything is happening, but I didn’t actually find the movie boring, I thought it was mostly just perplexing.

Read about my sequel idea in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

View from the Top Recap

Jamie

View from the Top is part of a specific group of BMT films that I think needs a bit of discussion. This is one of six films that qualify for BMT that were delayed because of the September 11th attacks. It was the longest delayed (for almost two years) and only the second we have watched for BMT (the other is Bad Company). So we only have four more left. These are Collateral Damage, Windtalkers, Deuces Wild, and The Time Machine. Clearly not enough to make a cycle on its own, but it’s possible you could cobble together a cycle from films that were affected by September 11th in some way (like Mr. Deeds)… but let’s just say we could do that rather than we will do that. Cycles are supposed to be fun. This imaginary cycle? Not fun.

To recap, Gwenyth Paltrow just wants to get out of her dead end Nevada town. So when she sees an interview with a flight attendant turned author, she decides it’s time to fly. Starting at a small airline she learns the ropes and soon finds that she’s pretty darn good at it. She makes a couple friends and meets a cute guy, but sky’s the limit for her and soon she’s off to try out for the big time at Royalty Airlines. She ends up as the star pupil of training, but is shocked when her test scores land her on the commuter Cleveland route, while her ditzy and ethically challenged friend, Christine, gets the Paris route. She asks for a retest, but is denied. But everything turns out OK when she is not only great at her job, but she reconnects with the cute guy, Mark Ruffalo. After a chance meeting with Christine reveals her complete lack of knowledge of what was on their test, Paltrow again asks to look at the test and finds that Christine swapped their sheets. Royalty busts Christine and Paltrow takes her rightful place on  the Paris route. She has everything she ever wanted, right? Wrong. Cause she had to leave Ruffalo behind. One lonely Christmas she finally realizes that life isn’t about the Paris route, but about being happy and runs to Raffalo. We see later that she becomes a pilot in Cleveland. THE END.

If that whole recap seemed unusually earnest and lacking in the typical jokes, that’s because the film itself is unusually earnest and lacking in the typical jokes. I actually found myself liking this film a lot. It’s very sweet. Paltrow’s character looks around at her circumstances and says “No,” and works hard to see the world, find her place in it, and be happy. This all rings true to me and I enjoy seeing Paltrow’s character succeed. It makes me happy. There are two major problems that the film has to battle. One is that the director didn’t seem interested in the story they were telling, or perhaps didn’t know what he was doing with a film of this scope. It’s hard to say, but there seemed to be some trouble in stitching the film together in the editing room. There are so many cliche rom com musical cues that it starts to feel like an inside joke. Like he was like “whatever, here’s a pile of footage, just make your dumb American rom com with it, I don’t care.” The second hurdle is a Robin Williams-esque performance by Mike Myers. He’s incredibly distracting and, given when the film was made, portends his imminent fall from superstar status. I’m sure the set was a ball to be on with all his gags and jokes, and he certainly is the only one trying to make the film a comedy, but boy… I much preferred the sweetness of the rest of the film to whatever he was up to. Still, I kinda like this one.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Do I smell a long con? Paltrow’s character definitely knows that Christine is not fit for the flight attendant life. She is the worst in the class and a kleptomaniac and sitting right in front of her for the test. She knew what she did. She knew it and did it on purpose. Why? Cause she had to get to Cleveland to land Ruffalo. It’s all a ruse, guys, she just wants that sweet Ruffalo action and then when she’s landed the fish she busts Christine (knowing that she would leave her telltale hearts punctuated “i’s” on the test). Off the Paris she goes to establish her cred before heading back to Cleveland to get her Ruffalo Buffalo (as she calls him). It’s a classic double long con. Can’t believe you all didn’t get that. Hot Take Temperature: Betty White. 

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about a much delayed romantic comedy about flight attendants completely co-opted by a cross-eyed Mike Meyers? Let’s go!

Just to get this out of the way: this movie is pretty charming, and I don’t quite get all the hubbub about it. Like, the chief complaint is that it is aggressively capitalistic? I didn’t really read that. And fine, it was advertised as a silly comedy starring Mike Meyers, but in reality he’s the worst part of the film, and the film is never funny. At best its characters end up in amusing circumstances and are themselves somewhat amusing.

Yeah, if you ever need an example of a person who’s “in another film”, Mike Meyers in View from the Top is the prime example. He sweeps in, chews scenery, does his Mike Meyers thing, all in the middle of basically You’ve Got Mail. An amusing romance film … with a cross-eyed Mike Meyers stuck to the middle of it. For a while you forget the movie is a romcom when he’s around. It is weird.

The film is basically split into four parts with unfunny montages between them. (1) Starts with a montage of Donna growing up. (2) Poor Donna living in Nevada who then gets a job as a flight attendant. (3) Montage of her getting better at it and getting a mentee. (4) Royalty Airline training school intro. (5) Getting better at that montage. (6) Cleveland and meeting up with Ted again, getting the Paris gig. (7) Paris montage and getting sad. (8) Conclusion.

You know … that classic four act structure. If there is a chief complaint from me, it is that they could have cut out all the Paris stuff. She could have just aced the test and then realized that Cleveland is pretty awesome, and she just wanted everyone to know she aced the test, that she didn’t really care about Paris and that junk now. Now you have a tight three act script.

By far the most exciting part of the film is when they reveal that with her hectic schedule and Ted going to law school / having a job to pay for that, that Donna watches TNT constantly and is watching Ghost starring the Swayz on TNT during the movie. Unfortunately, I don’t (yet) have the data for 2000 which is very much the most likely year this film takes place in, but Ghost didn’t play on TNT in 1999 according to my data, BUT … it did play on its sister channel TBS which means it could plausibly play on TNT in 2000. Time will tell.

Despite the often anachronistic costumes you can at least pinpoint the film to definitely taking plays sometime a year or two after Ghost came out, and prior to 9/11, so in that 1993-2001 range for sure, but most likely 2000.

I mean, that is an awesome Product Placement (What?) for the excellent cinematic showings on offer every day on TNT. The film is a bit of a road trip film, but let’s go Setting as a Character (Where?) for America’s Waiting Room of Cleveland, Ohio. It’s been a minute since we saw a Secret Holiday Film (When?), but the revelation that Donna loves Ted (and Cleveland) comes to her on a very lonely Christmas, and an ugly Christmas sweater plays a big part in the film. And a definitely Worst Twist (How?) for the hugely telegraphed reveal that Christine, Donna’s ex-best friend, swapped her tests causing her to be sentenced to a lifetime of hard labor in Cleveland (ugh!). And dare I say it … this film is closest to Good, I genuinely choked up at the end at her desperately wishing she for her to choose love over her career.

Read about the thriller sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Watcher Recap

Jamie

Who watches The Watcher? We do, that’s who. It’s almost like everyone agreed that Keanu is such a stand up guy that they just aren’t ever going to mention this film again. That we’ll just pretend it never happened because it is kind of embarrassing for everyone involved. He was tricked into appearing in it and then pursued legal action that allowed him to disown while also preventing him from bad mouthing it. So… why isn’t there a six part podcast about this where everyone spills the sordid details of this bizarre affair? Probably because no one involved wants to (or is allowed to) talk about it. It’s embarrassing. How did this happen? I don’t know, but we’re lucky it did because this film is bananananas.

To recap, James Spader is trying to start over in Chicago. You see he almost caught a serial killer once upon a time, but he turned away to try (and fail) to save the woman he was having an affair with. So now he’s a real saddo and trying to work through it with his sexy therapist. Turns out the serial killer, Keanu, just can’t quit our boy Spades. It’s never been quite the same without him hot on his heels. You know what that means. Road trip! He shows up and kills a girl in his building and that gets Spader’s attention. Soon the killer is toying with him, giving him all the clues, Mr. Policeman. Spader is back in the game. The second girl is a lonely hour photo worker. Everyone is trying to fit all the pieces together, but ultimately they are just moments too late. Next up is a homeless girl. They cast their net wide and find the killer, but he’s just too wiley and he gets away after killing the girl. Finally the killer decides that it’s all getting a bit trite and chats up Spader at the grave of his dead lady love. After some negotiation he decides to take Spader to the warehouse where he’s kidnapped his therapist. Once there he begins to torture them, but Spader is able to get him off balance and shoot him. Ultimately there is a gas leak and the whole place explodes just as Spader and the therapist jump to safety. The killer is dead, but Spader… Spader’s never been more alive. THE END. (Or is it? (It is… because Spader specifically turns over Keanu’s corpse to show the audience that he won’t be in the sequel or spinoff TNT series or whatever)).

Wow. This movie is bad. I never even heard of this film before! And now I’m singing its BMT praises. What a world. It’s directed as if an amateur music video director somehow got permission to make a major motion picture… because that’s exactly what happened. I would also like to specifically shout out what might be the all-time product placement in the history of film. Me and Patrick jokingly referred to Keanu as the Product Placement Killer because each of the three girls killed had a specific product they were associated with. Keanu sent all the clues about the first one to Spader using FedEx (guaranteed to get there on time). The second girl posed for Keanu as he snapped pics on his Kodak camera. Finally, the third girl was homeless but the picture showed her outside a Seattle’s Best coffee shop! Quick, everyone, scour all the Seattle’s Best’s and try not to get too jacked up on their delicious coffee. I’m weeping. It’s just so beautiful.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Spade is Keanu. Keanu is Spader. That’s right! Spader is the killer. Oh it just so happens that a serial killer followed you to Chicago and is leaving all the clues just for you? Right, and we always track down the girls he kidnaps but the killer just happens to get away just in time? Darn, how inconvenient for everyone but the killer. And of course he kidnaps your therapist that you definitely aren’t obsessed with and you are able to save her just in time. What we didn’t see at the end of the film was the therapist turn to the cops and mouth “Help me, this guy’s crazy.” Hot Take Temperature: a scalding hot Seattle’s Best coffee.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about Keanu Reeves dancing like a dummy being a serial killer? Let’s go!

Let’s just get this out of the way: this feels like barely a movie. Which if you read some of the controversy surrounding its production that came out a year after it was released it all makes sense. Keanu was apparently like “uh I guess I’ll be in your movie” to the guy who directed his band’s music videos. His agent (or something) then solidified this commitment by (according to Keanu) forging his signature on a contract. And instead of going through a protracted legal battle Keanu just decided to do it.

Now in that context one must pose this question: Did Keanu act terribly on purpose for this film? It certainly seems plausible…

Because outside of the direction (which we’ll get to) he’s far and away the worst bit of this film. He is somehow both flat and over the top (which I suppose some might call the Keanu Special, c’mon, you know what I’m talking about), he has a crazy dance scene, and his character is a real dummy.

Spader and Tomei are okay. They do what they need to with the material they are given. It really only picks up once Spader sobers up and starts working for the FBI again. Tomei is fine, but functions solely as a damsel in distress. The whole thing comes across as a backdoor pilot for a Criminal Minds spin-off starring Spader.

The direction is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This might be the one and only time tilt-shift has been used in a Thriller. Hell, I don’t even remember tilt-shift being used in ANY film. It is a crazy choice, and one that probably was something the director was experimenting with in his music videos, but for a serial thriller film? Very odd choice.

Also, I think a competent director cuts the dance scene or fixes it somehow. It is not only jarring, but somehow used twice in the film. They show it in the beginning and then use it as a call back! Bad choice.

I miss films like this though. The worst bit is the direction, the whole thing looks ridiculous, with the undercurrent of also kind of being entertaining because how can a serial killer thriller not be? Just straight up fun.

I’ll leave the hilarious product placement discussion to Jamie for the most part, but Coca-Cola, FedEx, Kodak, and Seattle’s Best all play prominent roles in the plot of the film, that’s some grade-A Product Placement (What?). Very much Setting as a Character (Where?) for Chicago. And I’ll leave it with a resounding BMT from me.

Read about my spin-off television series in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs