Category: Recap

Green Lantern Recap

Jamie

We’ve been on two streaks lately. One is watching films we’ve seen before. In some cases it’s just once before (Green Lantern), in others it’s several times (The Animal), and then still others it’s dozens if not millions of times (Canadian Bacon). The other streak is seeing films where I go, ‘While I don’t think this is great, I also kind of miss this style of movie. If only they could give us more The Animal’s!’ Could Green Lantern keep that streak alive? I recall exactly where I was when I watched Green Lantern because I went into it thinking “I’m ready to like this movie because it can’t really be as bad as people say it is.” Unfortunately, the critics were correct and I really did not like the film. But time heals all wounds, so let’s see if this is actually a hidden gem in the superhero genre that’ll leave me with a fond feeling of nostalgia.

To recap, Hal Jordan is a hot shot pilot who breaks all of the rules. When he is pitted against a couple of robot planes you know rules are about to be broken. And they are. But also he’s haunted by his father’s death and in a panic has to bail out of his plane following all his rad risk taking. Everyone is pretty pissed at him because he probably cost his company a big contract, but his GF4Life, Carol, swoops in and smooths it all over. While he’s off contemplating his life he’s snapped up by a green light and brought to a dying alium. This alium is a Green Lantern, a team of space cops that keep the whole universe safe. He was mortally wounded by a fear alium called Parallax and now his ring must choose a new Green Lantern. Turns out that’s Hal. Hal is then transported to the Green Lantern realm where they start to teach him how to be a Lantern, but ultimately decide that humans are too weak. He goes back to Earth despondent. Since he’s been gone the nerd son of a US Senator, Hector, was called to study the dead alium and he gets poisoned by fear. This ultimately takes over his body giving him psychic abilities and slowly draining him physically. At a celebration of his company’s big contract, Hal witnesses a disaster caused by Hector and steps in to use his Lantern powers to save the day. Shortly thereafter he battles Hector again and through a telepathic link learns of Parallax’s plan to destroy Earth. Horrified he begs the rest of the Lanterns to help him, but failing that to at least delay using the power of fear against Parallax until he has a chance to try to defeat it himself. They agree and in the final battle Hal is able to use his courage and cunning to trick Parallax into flying into the sun like a giant dope. He then smooches Carol hard and flies away to become a space cop. THE END. 

Nope! I hate this movie. This is one of my least favorite watches we’ve had this year. Satire is dead, but this might have been able to revive it… you know, if they weren’t actually trying to make a real movie. It seems impossible that they could do everything so wrong. Just by chance you would think some things would go right, but even the thing I think was underrated at the time (Peter Sarsgaard’s villain, who is more fun than I remember) was relegated to a joke when he literally wheels out in a wheelchair to face our hero in the final fight. A nerd in a wheelchair is the final boss?! That’s funny, right? Anyway, the film very quickly lands in CGI muck that makes whole scenes incomprehensible and editing it all together a nightmare. It does seem about right that the director ran in the opposite direction of this and ended up making things like Memory starring Liam Neeson… where the only thing computer generated was Liam Neeson’s knees. Ay oh.

Hot Take Clam Bake! This isn’t the end. Now, I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. I know we see him fly off into space to be a space cop and all that, so sure we think “we got all the story, case closed. No more Green Lantern for us.” But then if you watch after the credits they show Sinestro (that character we all know and love) totally put on the fear ring that Hal told him to definitely not put on. So like… I think we just have to wait a little bit longer and we’ll get that story. Maybe they are just waiting for the DCU to catch up so we can see it… like when Batgirl comes out, maybe we’ll be in the right spot to get that film we’ve all been waiting so patiently for…. Wait… what happened to Batgirl?!?! You can’t do this to Franchise Guy! Hot Take Temperature: Searing Sarcasm.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about Ryan Reynolds flying around with a bad CGI super suit and losing a bunch of money? Let’s go!

There are two different versions of this film. For the record I watched the Extended Cut. I have a feeling the Extended Cut is slightly better than the theatrical, only because the first half of this film is actually kind of nice. Actually, everything besides the Green Lantern stuff works for me.

Very funny re-listening to the Flop House episode of this where they say (I think correctly) that Ryan Reynolds “is not a movie star. At least not yet.” That was 100% accurate at the time. It would end up being untrue a decade later when he somehow became a billionaire and stars in a bunch of franchises and stuff.

One of those rare movies where I think something relatively small is the worst bit of the film. I think the soundtrack is the worst. A pretty terrible example of the heavy metal that was popular at the time (and definitely isn’t popular now).

What did we learn here? We learned to not be openly hostile to your genius son because he’ll probably telekinesis you around and then barbeque you with some inexplicably available robot flamethrower arms.

We learned that you can just quit your job and keep the stuff they gave you even if it was a super awesome green lantern ring. This feels like a “company laptop” type deal. There is no way he is just flying around on Earth with that ring after quitting.

We learned Sinestro is a jerk boss whose onboarding plan appears to be “demean this person for an hour and see if he quits.” Wrong strat on Hal it turns out, and guess what? He’s the best.

And finally we learned that Hal is extraordinary because humans are extraordinary. We are, it turns out, especially imaginative. Like we can imagine throwing a big large evil blob into the Sun. You didn’t think of that Sinestro, did you?

He probably thought of it because it has been done multiple times in other comic book movies at this point. I call it the Quest for Peace. Throw all the bad junk in the Sun and forget about it.

Definitely Product Placement (What?) for Dell servers which run all the cutting edge weapons start ups. I think that’s it. This is Bad because it is boring, but it was closer to Good than people want to admit, they just majorly fumble all the stuff involving Green Lantern.

Read about my sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Canadian Bacon Recap

Jamie

Canadian Bacon was a real staple of cable. It’s hard to even figure how many times I saw the movie… I’m sure it felt like a lot more than it actually was. That’s why I was so shocked when Patrick (to our dismay) revealed that it didn’t qualify for BMT. It never really got a substantial US release. It seems impossible. But it’s the truth. What is also the truth is that understanding what “qualified” means for 80’s and early 90’s films can be a fraught endeavor. Sometimes you have to stand back and look at a film and think “is this BMT?” Was Two Much not a BMT film? Was Swept Away, the worst film ever made, not BMT? We have previously answered in the negative to this, but I think we probably erred slightly. Those certainly don’t seem like “friends,” and neither does Canadian Bacon. Directed by Michael Moore, starring John Candy, and made for $11 million dollars. It played gangbusters on cable for a reason. That reason is that it’s probably BMT, so we’ll let this one slide… this time.

To recap, after being laid off from a recently closed weapons factory, Bud B. Boomer has used his family connections to become Sheriff of Niagara Falls. While he spends his time fishing the suicidal former factory workers from the falls with the help of his girlfriend(?) Honey, the President of the United States is trying to figure out how to get reelected. Turns out having extended peacetime has been no good for the military industrial complex and that’s no good for him. They need a war, and fast! When they catch Boomer and his friends brawling at a cross-border hockey game they get the bright idea to set up a false flag “Canadian” operation targeting the Niagara power plant. Boomer and his friends are incensed and plan a counter operation to drop garbage across the border. Unfortunately, Honey is caught. The President isn’t sweating it (in fact he’s loving it), that is until Boomer heads into Canada to rescue Honey and leaves a trail of petty crimes in his wake. They send special forces in to stop Boomer, but are surprised when it appears that Canada has taken control of US nukes and aimed them at Moscow. In reality the owner of the recently closed weapons factory is tired of this fake war and wants a real war. He has hacked into the weapons system and made it look like Canada is creating the war. Everyone is panicking. Even more so when the weapons maker is killed and the only other person in on the ruse is arrested. Meanwhile, Boomer and Honey come together at the CN Tower where the weapon is being housed. Honey sees that the machines are made by the company that laid them off and in a fit of rage destroys them just before all the nukes are launched. They save the day and the world. THE END.

Canadian Bacon is a more ramshackle production than I remember. Definitely feels like a film made by a documentarian. That being said, John Candy is very good in it (as are some of the actors doing cameos) and there are some very funny scenes in the first ⅔ of the film. It’s incredibly prescient, as well, which speaks to Moore’s understanding of the political environment of the time. You almost would think he made the film in the early 2000’s given some of the subject matter. Ultimately, they couldn’t quite land the plane, though. They seemed to really want a Dr. Strangelove moment at the end, but it doesn’t work. Feels like an 80’s comedy by the time it finishes. I can see why I liked it as a kid, though… similar to Strange Brew. Not everything hits, but when it does it’s very funny.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Of all the things mentioned in the epilogue the one I buy the least is Oliver North becoming President in the next election… particularly in the alleged landslide indicated. Ollie North? Landslide? I don’t think so. He was super controversial at the time. He lost a close Senate election in 1994 almost entirely because an Independent candidate tried to jump in to play to the center of him. Now if you told me he got a surprise nomination and ultimately squeaked out a victory against a weak incumbent… sure. But a landslide? The Iran-Contra guy? I don’t buy it. I’d buy Boomer’s friend becoming an NHL legend before I bought that. Hot Take Temperature: Hellfire.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about John Candy invading Canada and Michael Moore almost torpedoing his documentary career? Let’s go!

Ah Canadian Bacon. We are really on a role with films we’ve seen before. And in a way I’m reminding myself of all the things we’ve been missing from the classic BMTs of yesteryear.

Remember like … Dutch angles? There was a whole thing with that in the first year of BMT. We couldn’t watch a thriller without seeing loads of Dutch angles! It was a wild time.

There is just something charming about the three prior movies. TMNT II and III are really a nonsensical smorgasbord of films designed solely to sell toys to me and Jamie. Eddie is an odd type of comedy fashioned out of how a few people thought basketball worked (possibly without having watched basketball in their lives). And The Animal was that early 2000s borderline gross-out comedy where getting the 6th place person on a reality show was considered a boon. All of them are truly and profoundly bizarre historical relics.

Canadian Bacon is that film you watched on television where you’d never have ever considered seeing it, but then it is just on all the time for free. It isn’t really funny, but it has a bunch of funny people in it, and you eventually go “oh Kevin Pollack! From Willow” and maybe you’d remember he was also in Canadian Bacon.

But really you’d never remember he was in Canadian Bacon. The film is very charming. It is really just very very poorly made. Everything you think of when you think of how a movie is stitched together (like B-roll footage, and a narrative structure) is totally missing and replaced by something a college student could put together. Meanwhile John Candy is still killing it, and the story has a mostly interesting satire underlying it.

This was, somehow, the follow-up to Roger & Me and legitimately seemed to almost destroy Michael Moore’s career. Also it didn’t actually qualify, but who cares, it is a wide release in our hearts.

What else … Rhea Perlman is over the top, but fun. And honestly Alan Alda is hilarious as the nincompoop president. Really the acting is top notch, the comedy hits on occasion, but it is all let down by everything being encased within a non-film.

I do think Roy Boy is a Planchet (Who?), his character’s function is just to screw up and get dunked on. Obviously must give a Product Placement (What?) shoutout to Molson and all the other awesomely Canadian things, like Ontario, the sportsman’s paradise. Let’s get that A+ Setting (Where?) for Canada, but in reality, this is a fantastic Niagara Falls film. And this I think is closest to BMT, it is a very very weird film and somehow manages to escape its non-qualification to become a big film.

Read about my Canadian Bacon sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Animal Recap

Jamie

The Animal has a long and storied history in me and Patrick’s bad movie journey. Sure we watched the film when it came out. How couldn’t we? It starred America’s sweetheart Rob Schneider and Survivor-contestant-turned-actress-turned-not-an-actress Colleen Haskell. Survivor was HUGE. I can’t recall if we saw it in theaters (probably not), but we certainly rented it. Then years later when we first went our separate ways post-college we decided to start what is essentially the Chain Reaction category between each other. From our distant locales we would give each other a movie to watch using an actor or actress from the movie we had just watched. At one point I punted Pearl Harbor over to Patrick and I remember him saying “Don’t do this. Let’s not make each other watch movies we don’t want to watch.” But I disagreed and Pearl Harbor was his. As punishment Patrick gave me The Animal (probably through Guy Torry) and the venture quickly fizzled out. So this is at least my third time watching the film. Cool cool cool.

To recap, Rob Schneider is the opposite of an animal. He is a weakling with asthma who has his heart set on joining the police but can’t get past the obstacle course portion of the entrance exam. After his latest failure he is humiliated by being forced to mind the police station while all the real police officers go off to play softball. While they are away a call comes in and Schneider can’t help but respond. On his way, though, he crashes his car off a cliff and is horrifically mangled. We see him taken by some Dr. Frankenstein style doctor who puts him back together. He has no memory of the event, but finds that he was missing for weeks and now has the speed, strength, smell, swimming etc. of animals. He is quickly put onto the police force when he sniffs out some heroin at the airport, and then further excels when he saves the Mayor’s son from drowning. He even gets a date with his local celebrity crush, Rianna. This is all despite the fact that his behavior gets increasingly bizarre and there are multiple attacks reported around town that seem to be a result of his tendency to enter an animalistic like fugue state. The doctor that fixed him eventually explains what has happened and tries to help him curb his appetites, but it doesn’t work and he is forced to escape into the woods. A mob assembles to track him down, but before they do he finds that in fact Rianna is also an “Animal” and is behind the attacks. The mob arrives and is dead set on killing him until his black friend, Miles, takes the blame. The mob then feels uncomfortable with the whole idea and calls it off. Rob and Rianna smooch and have a litter of babies. THE END.

There is something about a real dumbo comedy that you can’t get anywhere else. It has one purpose: it is trying to make you laugh. Every second of this film is trying to make you laugh. There is almost no sentimentality, because why would there be? There is something admirable about that. I wouldn’t say I laughed a whole lot at the hundred jokes they threw at me, but there were a hundred of them and so of course I laughed. I liked that. I does feel like we lost something by not having the option to watch The Animal in theaters laughing along with a bunch of similarly-minded idiots. This is definitely a streaming movie now and no one would ever think about it ever again. But The Animal persists. Cons: stupid, acting is terrible, plot twist at the end doesn’t make any sense. Pros: laughing feels good.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I mean… Rob Schneider was dead the whole time? That seems almost too obvious. He crashed his car off a cliff and then had a boulder roll on top of him. He is dead and in his final moments imagines how it would be that he would not only survive but become everything he hoped and dreamed he could be. He’s a super cop! He gets the girl he saw on TV! He doesn’t get murdered by a mob! By the time he’s imagining his TV crush is also an Animal and is having a litter of offspring with him you know his brain is entirely on the fritz and death is mere moments away. Hot Take Temperature: Survivor Season 1 Level Hot.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about Rob Schneider with a boatload of animals all up in him? Let’s go!

Ah, one of those movies I’ve seen too many times for the weirdest reasons possible. Surely it was just on all the time on television. Well … maybe, but that isn’t why I watched it. I watched it once in theaters, once in a summer chain reaction challenge thing Jamie and I did, and then once on a lark. This is the fourth time I’ve seen The Animal for no real discernable reason.

If I were to pick a single Rob Schneider film as an example of his comedy I think this would be it. His character is a mostly sweet but hapless weirdo, and a strange thing happens to him that makes him the hero in the end. It isn’t funny, but it also manages to not be too terribly offensive which is a rarity for Happy Madison productions of the era.

Colleen Haskell isn’t a good actor, but she’s better than I would expect I think.

It isn’t surprising that she left the experience with a bad taste in her mouth. Of all the things that “age poorly” in the film the worst is probably just how they shoot her. Often in skimpy clothing and specifically as the romantic interest. She has very little to do in the film otherwise. It is understandable, but an unfortunate thing to subject a normal person to.

There are some laugh out loud moments … or maybe like exhale strongly. The entire storyline about Guy Torry’s various attempts to get people to acknowledge his race. McGinley cranking it up to 11 as usual. Ed Asner has a lot of Rip Torn energy in this one which works. And finally the triple head fake at the end I think is genuinely a very funny joke, where they seem to reveal the other Animal three times before finally revealing the twist that Haskell is the other animal.

And of course I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Norm’s short but pretty delightful cameo as … himself I suppose.

I have to repeat: this film isn’t funny. But it also isn’t unpleasant. And Happy Madison was about to go top speed into unpleasantville with a few of Schneider’s follow ups and eventually culminating in Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star.

For a Sandler-adjacent film this had a surprisingly small Product Placement (What?) in Slim Jim, which Schneider had to slam in order to curb his animal cravings. Fictional Setting as a Character (Where?) for Elkerton, California. And a Worst Twist for the reveal that Colleen Haskell is an aminal as well.

Read about my Animal sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Eddie Recap

Jamie

It seems like pure insanity that for a moment in the 90’s, as the big stupid blockbuster was on the rise, a whole mess of films were made that featured actual sports franchises doing real stupid stuff. In Major League, the franchise is the literal villain. In Sudden Death, the Stanley Cup is used as a backdrop for a terrorist attack. In Eddie, the Knicks are such a stumblebum, garbage franchise that they pull a fan from the stands to coach the team and are at risk of being moved to St. Louis… THE KNICKS! Little Big League, Rookie of the Year, Celtic Pride. There are a lot of them. I’m not going to say that this will never happen again… for all I know the Carolina Panthers would give their left arm to have a Marvel film use one of their games as a backdrop for Thor 5. But it feels like now the league and franchises will control more of the narrative and just wouldn’t let Jean-Claude Van Damme play goalie and beat up their mascot. Sir Purr would probably have to help Thor win the day and save the stadium and then become an Avenger at the end.

To recap, Eddie is a limo driver/Knicks superfan who is an outspoken critic of the team and coaching in particular. When the franchise is sold she makes an immediate impression on the team’s new flashy owner. Looking to bump ticket sales he rigs a contest so Eddie is pulled from the stands to coach the team. The coach, who hates Eddie, ends up quitting in protest and the owner happily installs Eddie as the interim coach. But things aren’t easy. She doesn’t have any respect from the team and basically sits silently while the team rattles off a horrific losing streak. With the help of the assistant coach she starts to understand some of the things plaguing the franchise: their big man doesn’t play defense, their star player is selfish, and other players are going through personal turmoil. She starts to connect with everyone and in a startling move decides to bench their star player in favor of a near retirement former star who makes up in leadership what he now lacks in skills. This is despite the fact that the star player has allegedly played every minute of every game that season and has not yet sat on the bench… it’s just solid writing. With that move they immediately go on a winning streak that puts them one game out of the playoffs on the final game of the season… a game against the Hornets, now coached by their former coach. Uh oh! To make matters worse, in a big ol’ twist (what a twist!) the owner reveals that he’s moving the franchise to St. Louis as long as they can win that one game, otherwise the deal falls through… again, just airtight writing here. Eddie is devastated and as the game enters the final seconds she puts on a protest, forcing the owner to backtrack on the deal and promise to keep the Knicks in NYC. At that, she brings back the star player and they win as a team. THE END.

I kind of miss these types of films. They are really, really silly, but it’s also kind of fun to see the NBA and the Knicks play ball on such a bonkers concept. I do wish that it was a little better written… at least from the sports point of view. Whoever made this appears to have little or perhaps no knowledge of basketball or how the NBA works. It’s fine since the film is trash and mostly just hitting the Major League style beats, but it starts to lean towards Sudden Death territory of unintentional hilarity. Which makes sense. There is nothing to this film outside of “let’s get America’s champion Whoopi Goldberg on screen and give the people what they want,” just as Sudden Death is merely a means of injecting pure JCVD. Overall it’s quite bad, but in a moderately fun way. As for Undefeatable, I had heard of this film regarding what was supposed to be a totally insane final fight. I think that was overblown, but the film is not a bad cheap martial arts film with some really funny plot points. The main bad guy is ludicrous, so that’s nice, and the whole thing is a who’s who of Greater Baltimore area martial artists… so that’s funny too. If you are looking for a fun cheesy movie night Undefeatable isn’t half bad.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Eddie and the owner, Wild Bill, definitely got together after the events of the film. The chemistry they have leaps off the screen and at a certain point Wild Bill invites Eddie to a very romantic dinner and I was like “here it is, here’s where he says he wants to be with her.” I was so convinced of their chemistry that I had assumed at that point that the conflict of the film would be that she is offended at the thought that he kept her on as coach just because he wanted to date her… but instead he says he’s selling the team and I was like WTF. So I conclude that they must get together shortly thereafter, because there is electricity between them. A heat so hot that it could only come from the actors actually being in love (which was the case). Hot Take Temperature: A 10 game win streak.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about Whoopi Goldberg coaching the Knicks? Let’s go!

Hoooooooooooooooooooooooo doggy. What the hell is this movie? Like … who is this for really. I don’t usually subscribe to such derivative takes on films. But really though. Who is this for? Was Whoopi that big of a star that they paid a bucketload for NBA players and filmed in the Garden to get a bad sports comedy. A sports comedy? It doesn’t make sense.

There is something charming though about mid-90s comedies. This thing made $30 million dollars at the box office. No doubt a giant bomb. It made $0 overseas. But No Hard Feelings, which was a surprising success this year? Around $45 million so far domestic. That’s probably equivalent with inflation. Again … Eddie was considered a giant embarrassment at the time.

Oh one other odd thing, so far I’ve only been able to find this film playing on television once. Total. That makes no sense. It is likely false. But still, there is some indication that it really wasn’t played much on television in the late-90s, which is kind of counter to what I would have expected.

Jamie touched on this but it cannot be overstated how dumb a lot of the shit involving the sports aspect of this film is. Genuinely the entire roster and coaching staff would leave if Eddie was named the coach without interviewing anyone else. They claim the star of the Knicks hadn’t been benched so far this year, on its face ludicrous, but only more so because we know they are on something like a 10 game losing streak when Eddie takes over, were getting blown out on the reg, and his shooting percentage was something like 2-30 in one game. How does Eddie fix the Knicks? She teaches the big man to take a charge (absurd), the ladies man to love his wife (absurd), and the prima donna that other basketball players are good (absurd, again, he just lost 10 games in a row while on an aggressive cold streak, I think he knows there are other good basketball players around). And finally, no, you can’t just sell the Knicks to St. Louis. The commissioner (representing the owners) can nix the deal and force you out. You can’t just say “I’m moving my team to my hometown, they’ll play in the high school gymnasium.” Doesn’t work that way.

Even weirder? There were not one but two separate writers who did enough work on this film to get a writing credit who appear to be punch up artists exclusively for sports comedies. But … now you would think such a person would know sports inside and out, but I suppose if you need to punch up a diverse set of schlocky sports comedies maybe not.

I actually do think there is a bona fide Planchet (Who?) here with the dumb basketball player played by Greg Ostertag. Some weird Product Placement (What?) like Hooked on Phonics, but the actual award I think goes to Armani for the shout out when Eddie decides to buy a suit. Setting as a Character (Where?) since the film takes play in Madison Square Garden specifically for a solid quarter of the film. And definite Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that the evil owner is evil and the Knicks just have to make the playoffs for the deal to go through, which makes zero sense. This is a BMT film through and through, what a weirdo film.

As a friend we watched Undefeatable starring Cynthia Rothrock just as another film with a female lead that played on television the same day as Eddie. Obviously, Rothrock is one of the martial artists high on the list of potential friends for BMT, but this is the first of her films we watched. Maybe not the best option in that regard, but still pretty fun. A who’s who of local martial artists, and specifically it appears they made the somewhat bizarre decision to choose a bunch of martial artists who specialized in Forms and Weapons (not combat), so there are a number of extended Forms sequences in the film. Pretty neat. The appearances of other martial artists outside of the three leads though can be embarrassing and kick this film up to a solid B+. Not a bad introduction to Rothrock. 

Read about the long awaited sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Recap

Jamie

Let me take you back to March 19, 1993. TMNT 3 is hitting theaters, but to much less fanfare than the previous entries. While The Secret of the Ooze has Kevin McCallister don a Ninja Turtle mask in an embarrassing advertisement, the third flick wasn’t even the first and biggest advertisement of the day. That would go to Bridget Fonda’s Point of No Return. The TMNT ad is mostly just the poster (although I do like at the bottom where it tells you to pick up the Dell Paperback… don’t mind if I do). The much more interesting part of the NYTimes film section that day is the ad for A Far Off Place, which also features the ad for the last of three Roger Rabbit shorts:

I realize now that I’ve only ever seen the one featured before Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Not surprising since the second featured before Dick Tracy, which I barely remember. A Far Off Place? I don’t remember that film at all. A small, but interesting tidbit is at the bottom of this advertisement it tells you to “Watch the Academy Awards March 29th on ABC” for reasons that elude me.

To recap, the Turtles are back, Jack! Back in time, that is. After April picks up a magic scepter from a flea market, the Turtles are shocked when it inadvertently sends her back in time, bringing a Japanese prince, Kenshin, in her place. Turns out it’s connected to Feudal Japan and Kenshin was in the middle of trying to convince his father to give up his warlording and stop buying weapons from the eeeevil English traders. The Turtles know what they have to do and go back in time themselves, bringing a bunch of warriors back in their place. Fortunately Casey Jones is also back (Jack) and ready to babysit. Back in time, Michelangelo is quickly captured, while the rest of the Turtles just as quickly rescue April and a pointless Casey Jones lookalike. They go off in search of Michelangelo and find him holed up in a rebel village. A fight with the English traders soon ensues and the heroics of the Turtles ingratiate them with the rebels. They spend a bunch of time trying to replicate the scepter, but it’s pointless because really the villagers hid it in hopes that the Turtles would stay and help them fight. Again, pointless, because the Casey Jones lookalike steals it and the Turtles have to chase it back to the warlord’s palace. A fight ensues and the Turtles win (duh). With the scepter in hand they prepare to head home, but a couple of them pointlessly want to stay, but are convinced not to. At this point a pointless thing happens where Michelangelo misses grabbing the scepter and seems to be trapped in time… but then they just use the scepter again and he’s fine. Weird. Anyway, it kind of peters out after that. THE END.

I can forgive The Secret of the Ooze. I can’t really forgive TMNT 3. Everything was downhill in terms of the technological achievement of the turtle suits. By the time you reach the third film Splinter isn’t just relegated to sitting in one spot (which was always the case), but looks like a Chuck E. Cheese robot and the Turtles mouths are horror shows every time they talk. From there the entire concept of the film is one contrived plot point after another. So many pointless things occur just to get to another pointless thing (if you didn’t get that from my synopsis). The only good thing I’ll say is that they did get the Turtles out into the wilderness of Feudal Japan, so that was kind of interesting to see. Oh, and all the films are blessedly short. Unfortunately the film’s shortness couldn’t make up for what was clearly the last legs of the franchise’s cinematic aspirations.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Splinter definitely was hoping that the warriors that were transferred through time to NYC would show up in his sewer naked. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Let me set the scene. Everyone is ready to go back in time to rescue April, but they know that whoever comes through the portal shows up in the clothes the person was wearing that they exchange with. Michelangelo recognizes this and rightly throws on some board shorts and has a bunch ready for the other Turtles to throw on. They don’t wear clothes, after all. But Splinter jumps in to be like “No! I mean… uh stop with this silliness, we don’t have time” and doesn’t allow them to don the board shorts. Of course one warrior shows up wearing Mikey’s board shorts and the rest are (confusedly) just wearing their underwear, which seems to break the rules they laid out for us. I’m sure that perv Splinter was sorely disappointed. Hot Take Temperature: Volcanic heat of Mt. Fuji

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. Shoot. You know what we forgot in the first two films? Racist caricatures of Japanese people! *Looks over at the foot clan* Hmmmmm, nevermind. Let’s go!

By the way, I know that the foot clan in the movies were all street urchin white kids from New York City. I’m not sure that makes it any better.

When I started this film I literally gasped. I’m not joking. They switched up the animatronic faces from the second film from the Henson Company to some other garbage outfit, and they RUINED it. Look what they did to my beautiful boys! They can barely emote. Their mouths move too much, and they have constant creepy rictus grins, and their lips form weird pointed triangle shapes constantly. Horrible. F-. Get it out of my sight!

I can only imagine what the tv show must have been like … hopefully they didn’t even attempt the animatronics and just had the mouths move vaguely up and down instead. (Oh no I just checked and not only is it worse, but there are terrible sound effects and Mikey gives off a serious sex pest vibe slobbering all over Venus De Milo).

It’s actually so bad in this film that they have them cover their mouths with masks for a good chunk of the film. Probably for cost saving and to avoid too much difficult ADR, but it did save me from having to look at their horrible mouths any more than I already had to.

Time travel. The laziest of all options. Bah! Honestly, if they were going to go that route, it would have been far more interesting to have like … Shredder’s ancestor come through the portal into New York City and for the turtles to have to get him back out.

A complete waste of the wonderful subway set they discovered in the second film too. You really only get to hang out with the pretty bad Casey Jones story.

I’ll just leave it with this: I cannot believe that for even a second the Turtles thought: hey, we’ll stay in Feudal Japan and leave some samurai chilling in NYC for eternity. Also, they never ever explain where the prior turtles from the scroll came from. Are we to think that they would come back to Japan again at some point to make that all consistent? Maybe.

Definite Planchet (Who?) for the bumbling evil doer’s assistant, although that could really be its own thing (and might be, I might have mentioned that in a prior Who section). Setting as a Character (Where?) for feudal Japan for sure. And an Exact Date (When?) for 1593 which is mentioned on the poster. A solid MacGuffin Kind Of (Why?) for the magical Japanese torch thing, although we know precisely what it does, it sends people back in time.

Read about my sequel to this film in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze Recap

Jamie

Thank god we’re back in the 90’s so I can look at the NYTimes for Secret of the Ooze’s release date, March 22nd, 1991. And let me tell you… film advertisers were going nuts. I’m not talking about the quote at the top of the TMNT2 poster which seems to be protesting a bit too much about how the Turtles are more upbeat (read: less murderous) this time.

Clear reaction to the reviews of the first that were basically like “wait, this is for kids?!” I’m also not talking about this little note on the TMNT2 poster declaring JCPenny the place to be for all things Turtles.

No I’m talking about this Home Alone ad which is just… it’s embarrassing.

I’m embarrassed for you.

To recap, the Turtles are back, Jack! And they are having an existential crisis! That’s because they are just learning a startling secret about the ooze that created them. Bum, bum, bum. While living with April O’Neil they catch wind of her latest story: a (mostly successful) toxic cleanup by the company TGRI. Splinter reveals that this toxic spill is what created the Turtles and they are all like “I thought we were more than just mistakes” and are momentarily sad. They decide to talk to the head scientist there about the ooze. But they aren’t the only ones. That’s right! Shredder is back, Jack! You thought he was crushed by a garbage truck? Right! But he’s still miraculously alive and so are his henchmen. So when the Turtles catch up with the scientist they end up ambushed by the Foot Clan and lose both the last canister of ooze and the scientist. Oh no! The scientist is forced to make a couple of big ol’ mutant monsters, Tokka and Rahzar, with the ooze before being rescued by the turtles. Back in their spiffy new abandoned subway station hideout, they work extra hard producing an antidote to counteract the mutant wolf and snapping turtle super strength. Armed with the antidote, and with the knowledge that Tokka and Rahzar will attack Central Park if they don’t fight them, they engage with the monsters only to be thrown into a Vanilla Ice concert. Vanilla Ice is at first not thrilled, but soon he’s grooving to his new funky tune, the Ninja Rap, all while the turtles fend off Tokka and Rahzar long enough for the antidote to work. Shredder is enraged and uses the last of the ooze to transform into Super Shredder… but for like five seconds before he inadvertently uses his super strength to collapse a dock around him. Idiot. Thus they save the day and the Ninja Rap goes down as the greatest work of art in history. THE END.

This movie is supremely silly… and purposefully so! I rewatched the first film and I appreciated how straightforward and blessedly short the whole affair was. Not to mention just how insane the turtle costumes were. They are amazing. But it’s also a pretty dark film. So it’s clear what they were trying to do with the second one. Bring back the straightforward storyline and short run time, but also make it silly for kids. Mission accomplished. Sure the costumes are starting to look a little less good this time (presumably because they must have cost a fortune), but still, it seems like this is exactly what they wanted. Is it exactly what I wanted? I mean, not entirely. It’s quite stupid and the ending is an extended mistake, but still… is it wrong that I didn’t mind most of it? There’s a reason why I remembered this one better than the first one.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Shredder didn’t die. Like come on. He got straight murdered by Casey Jones in a horrific garbage truck crushing event and yet he just rises up no prob in time for this film. So you think a little dock falling on him (and a super version of him no less) is going to take him out this time? Fat chance. That guy is still alive and only doesn’t show up in the third film because he has realized that being a bad guy is no fun. You get crushed constantly by being a bad guy. So my theory is that he has reformed his ways and is now working a 9-to-5 in the big city just trying to find his way. Is anyone else smelling a fish-out-of-water sitcom a-brewin’? Shred and the City. Hot Take Temperature: A piping hot slice of NYC za.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze? This is one secret I’ll never be able to keep. Let’s go!

I think this might be the first movie where I actively went from “this is awesome, the pinnacle of cinema. I love movies!” to “Oh wait … is this movie bad?” while growing up. I distinctly remember getting all the toys at a birthday party (at the bowling alley I think?), and then I also distinctly remember watching it a thousand times, and then finally I distinctly remember thinking “huh this movie seems not well made” only a few years later.

Oh yeah, I’ve seen this film one million times. I loved it. I kind of still do.

Really the only unforgivable sin of the film is eliminating (for whatever reason, possibly his choice) Casey Jones and replacing him with a new human helper guy. I live the semi-ninja they have in this one, but Casey Jones was a solid addition and it is kind of amazing that they had him in the first film.

Obviously the giant new mutants are an abomination. And the effects are decidedly worse than in the first film (although not by much, probably a result of attempting to fit all the robotics directly into the turtle heads instead of using the shells). Really, rather sad they didn’t just go with Bebop and Rocksteady in this one, and then go full Krang in the third. Would have really been a neat little trilogy in that case.

I should talk a bit about the first film: I forgot how serious it is. There was a whole section where Raphael almost died. They all seem stunned when he wakes up. The interlude at the farmhouse plays like an 80s drama. It is weird and wild stuff and yet it pretty much works. Genuinely incredible what they pulled off there.

This one not so much. Still kind of love it. The Vanilla Ice music video at the end was ironically the greatest thing in the history of film (still is).

I’m going to give Keno a rare Planchet (Who?) award for kind of screwing things up and vaguely being made fun of during the film. As usual, I believe the Turtles have an exclusive Product Placement (What?) deal with Dominos. We are still in New York City for Setting as a Character (Where?) (for now…). Obviously this is an A+ MacGuffin (Why?) for the ooze which holds a secret we never quite find out, but everyone really wants it and it is a big thing driving the entire story. It is right there in the title! And why not, let’s give it a Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal of your kids’ favorite new toy: Super Shredder! This is closest to BMT for sure, it is very very silly nonsense from front to back.

Read about my secret Casey Jones spinoff film in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Justice League Recap

Jamie

This whole cycle is about getting back to the people and a film like Justice League does just that. Not just because it was a multiple nominee at the 2018 Teen/Kids Choice Awards. No, it really should be commemorated more for being part of some of the best/worst crowd driven film content of the last few years. First there was the push to get the Snyder Cut released. This somehow succeeded and we got a much, much longer version of a terrible film that was… I guess a bit better? I never saw it. Then, on the heels of the Snyder Cut the Oscars decided “you know what? We should have a crowdsourced award to show that we are really down with the kids and super rad hepcats. There is nothing in the recent past that would suggest this is a terrible idea.” And this resulted in the funniest IMDb Awards entry in the history of film:

So I guess the question is, “did we stand up and cheer?” Or is that a Snyder Cut exclusive?

To recap, [Spoiler Alert] The Flash never enters the speed force. That’s a Snyder Cut exclusive. So settle into your couch and kick up your feet because you won’t be standing up and cheering anytime soon. Batman is assembling the Justice League. He can tell that things are about to get shitty and Superman is not around to help. He tracks down The Flash, Cyborg, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman and they range from “no thanks, let me dive into the water and swim away” to “I’m a monster and don’t deserve to be in the Justice League” to “Coooooool, I’m young and rad and you’re old man Batman. Cool.” But when Steppenwolf returns to Earth to assemble the [checks notes] Mother Boxes into the [check notes again] Unity and conquer Earth everyone is like “on second thought, maybe we should help out a bit.” Steppenwolf gets all but one Mother Box and they all agree to use the last one to resurrect Superman because it turns out they just aren’t going to cut it. Superman is resurrected but is like “WTF?” and flies away with Lois Lane because he’s having an existential crisis. Meanwhile Steppenwolf snags that last Mother Box and they all head to Russia for a big climactic fight. They try to fight Steppenwolf but are probably going to lose until Superman swoops in and saves the day. Thus the Justice League is born, Earth is at peace, and I’m sure Lex Luthor and some other team of supervillains aren’t just around the corner ready to fuck it all up. THE END.

I feel like the Snyder DC films went in two directions simultaneously. Man of Steel made me sad, but it looked very good. You could see all the work and money on the screen. As the DC universe geared up, though, everything started to get that blurred, video game look of CGI heavy films being churned out at warp speed, even as the purpose of the films became clearer. So Batman v. Superman starts to look like shit and is very confusing, but is more in Snyder’s wheelhouse. It’s got a style that I can at least appreciate and not scoff at. This one is laughably bad looking. I don’t even care about Superman’s weird CGI moustache-less face (OK, fine, I care a little). Nothing looks real at any point. It’s all a video game. But weirdly there is a coherence to the film, despite it being obvious that it was wrenched from Snyder’s hands. No wonder people thought there was a Snyder version that could be better. Even the studio cut felt like it knew what it was better than the other films. Ultimately all of them are bad, but bad in entirely different ways. Is that what people were standing up and cheering about?

Hot Take Clam Bake! Affleck is a good Batman. He’s old man Batman and I dig it. Bring him back for one of the Reeves films and flash back and forth between him and Patterson. Sure his body is like a slab of beef that Sly Stallone should be punching in preparation for a big fight. It’s oddly proportioned in a way that was used for great comedic effect in Air. That’s good. You think someone is working out day and night ready to fight criminals for 30 years and not getting a big ol’ side of beef body out of it? You’re kidding yourself. It’s good. He’s a good Batman. He’s perfectly sad and misproportioned like an old Batman should be. Hot Take Temperature: The steaming tunnels of Gotham’s underground lairs.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Justice League? Well, it might have been better if Justice stays blind, youknowwhatImean? Let’s go!

Lesson learned: remember when everyone was sad because Batman vs Superman had the color palette of a murky swamp? Well guess what? We had Joss Whedon shoot like two scenes in color that looked pretty good actually. (Don’t worry Zach Snyder, we’ll give you $100 million more dollars to shoot a 4 hour version in your preferred color palette: literally black and white).

Lesson learned: remember when everyone was sad because DC was filled with humorless sad sacks moping about because literal superheroes and borderline gods couldn’t stop the world from non-stop terrorist/alien attacks and people were forced to live in what appears to be a war zone called Gotham? Well, good news. We had Joss Whedon write some dialogue for The Flash about brunch … that should about cover that I think.

Lesson learned: remember when everyone was sad because DC just kept on rehashing Batman and Superman and Superman and Batman and there were so many good villains, but they were just like Zod and Lex Luthor again? Good news. We have some blob of CGI we called Steppenwolf, and this person you’ve never heard of Cyborg, and the character everyone made fun of for only having the power to talk to fish. Also the aforementioned Flash whose superpower is being scared to go fast I think.

That was fun. The movie was not. But I’m glad I got to this point in the DC universe finally because they are about to do Aquaman where everyone will squint and go “mayyyyyybe” and then they’ll reel off like 5 box office bombs in a row and end up (somehow) figuring out the only way to make money is to make Indie films only tangentially about Batman (and sometimes about Batman).

There is a bunch of Product Placement (What?) in this, maybe most notably being the unmistakably huge Mercedes-Benz logo on Batman’s wing-door car. Giant MacGuffin (Why?) for the Mother Boxes which literally does like anything you want including resurrecting Superman (Batman is pretty sure about that). This movie is closest to Bad, too long to be entertainingly bad, and it certainly isn’t good.

Read about my version of Batman Beyond in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Wedding Planner Recap

Jamie

I do enjoy going back and looking at The New York Times from the day when one of our BMT films was released. The Wedding Planner is a fun one because it’s January 26, 2001 and so there is a whole mess of Ravens-Giants Super Bowl content. But I wasn’t there for the Dilfer-Collins mildly entertaining milk advertisements:

I was there for The Wedding Planner and… meh. Just pretty much the poster and a couple choice quotes about how JLo has “it.” So per usual I went straight to the TV listings to see if any of the descriptions there were appropriate for the title at hand. Was The Wedding Planner “junk” like Night Shift? Was it “ornate and ridiculous” like Steel Dawn? A “crude morality play” like Any Given Sunday or “grindingly predictable” like The Crush? No, none of these. But the Jeff Fahey film Virtual Seduction probably gets the closest with “Trouble when man recalls fiance.” That about sums it up.

To recap, JLo is working hard (not hardly working) at planning the biggest and bestest weddings in San Fran. Working so hard, in fact, that she has no time for her own love life. That is until she’s saved by Matthew McConaughey, a handsome pediatrician who seems like a perfect catch. Just one problem: he’s engaged. Make that two problems: he’s engaged to her new client. So now she can’t lose the account or she loses her chance at a big promotion. Egad! What a series of unfortunate coincidences! Everywhere she looks McConaughey is being lame in a handsome kind of way. It also doesn’t help that at the same time her father set her up with Massimo, an Italian stereotype played by Justin Chambers in a horror show of a performance. Both McConaughey and his fiance have second thoughts, but JLo is too much of a pro to do anything but help them get to the altar. Even after McConaughey expresses his feelings for her, she’s like ‘no, I don’t even like you,’ and throws pebbles at him till he runs back to his fiance. Forlorn, she decides to marry the offensive, but also kind of sweet Massimo. On the day of the wedding, JLo forgoes the festivities to marry Massimo at Town Hall. McConaughey ends up calling off the wedding and is happy to find that JLo also decided at the last minute to stop her own wedding. They reunite and smooch for hours. THE END.

This is a tough one. On the one hand JLo is a shining beacon. So beautiful. So talented. She’s a catch. A perfect 10. I also found the film to be oddly well directed given that it was a first time director that went on to a less than illustrious career. But he seemed to have a clear idea of what he wanted to do with this and I thought he did it pretty well. On the other hand McConaughy appears to think he’s being charming in an aloof kind of way, but it comes across as smarmy and unpleasant. He’s a handsome guy who has a personality of a 2. Red flags on top of red flags. At this point the whole film would be a bit of a wash… maybe a slight positive even. But throw in Justin Chambers and, boy howdy. I like Grey’s Anatomy, so he will always be Karev to me. And thank goodness, because I’m sure he doesn’t want to be Massimo forever. Horrible. Just horrible.

Hot Take Clam Bake! The whole thing is a dream that happens after JLo is squashed by the dumpster. The last person she sees is handsome, lame McConaughey. In the last firing of her synapses we get The Wedding Planner. McConaughey is in reality a real estate agent who dabbles in day trading. He ultimately can’t reach her in time, but in a positive twist to the otherwise horrific tragedy this ends up helping him realize that his day trading is more of a hobby. He decides then and there to focus more on his real estate career, which is going OK since people seem to like him when he talks softly and smiles a bunch. Years later his wife, who he met at a local real estate convention, would catch him staring sadly at a dumpster and ask “you OK, babe?” and he would just say “yeah” softly and smile. Hot Take Temperature: Chilly, like the fog rolling off Frisco Bay. 

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! The Wedding Planner? Well this forecast calls for rain! Let’s go!

I just have to say this off the bat. And to be clear, I am a happily married man, wouldn’t trade any of this for the world but … was turn of the century Jennifer Lopez the most beautiful woman ever? It is mind boggling. Literally, completely perplexing that she existed. Is it because of the built up Jenny From the Block persona? Were we all tricked into thinking she was just a girl-next-door and not a devastatingly beautiful and completely unattainable woman? This is the second movie where it is almost distracting how beautiful she is (the other being Money Train).

I’m sorry but I just have to make this 100% clear. While watching this film Jennifer Lopez is so attractive I looked at Matthew McConaughey and thought “Yeah, she’s out of your league bud”. I looked at him and went “unattractive, hard pass” because my mind was tricked by what an attractive human being was. He’s also a genuine garbage man, so what does literally-so-attractive-J-Lo-that-she’s-an-11 see in him again? Awww he works with kids … for one second, and then he pretty much immediately turns around and starts to think about cheating on his fiancee. Trash man!

Just one last thing though, like … J-Lo is so hard working that she can’t find a date. Once again, movie, you are incorrect. The many billionaires of the Pacific Northwest would have left their fiancees during the wedding once they glimpsed J-Lo (their wedding planner) in real life. Their fiancees would have taken one look at her and said “no thank you, you aren’t getting within 100 miles of my wedding.” Mrs. Sampras, are you dumb?

I guess wait … do I have a hot take? Hot Take! Mrs. Sampras knew exactly what she was doing because Mrs. Sampras, either unconsciously or consciously, wanted to sabotage her own wedding! She’d been hunting around for the perfect wedge to drive between herself and McConaughey and finally found it in this siren, J-Lo.

Oh … I spent the whole time talking about how J-Lo is too attractive to be in romantic comedies since there is no one that can actually be viewed as equivalently attractive while standing next to her. The movie is pretty fun, for a romantic comedy, even if the wedding at the core is very messy and muddled and they never quite make it clear that the two people like each other at all.

I suppose one bone I’ll throw to them is that they did somewhat successfully save Sampras from Baxter-ization by having her break it off with McConaughey instead.

And that bone is taken away by Justin Chambers as Massimo, an Italian caricature who doesn’t belong in any movie, let alone this one.

Definite amazing Product Placement (What?) for M&Ms which play a prominent role in the courtship between J-Lo and McConaughey. Setting as a Character (Where?) for the somewhat inexplicable setting of San Francisco when L.A. would have made much much much more sense. And obvious Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate get-together at the outdoor film screening at the art museum. Closest to Good I think, although I would hear arguments otherwise.

Read about the long awaited sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Glass Recap

Jamie

It’s a Glass attack! You must take every M. Night Shyamalan that qualifies for BMT as a gift in today’s world. He still has his quirks, he still makes weird choices, he still delivers some twists. He is who we thought he was, essentially, but just isn’t swinging so hard that we are laughing when he pops out. The Visit was a bunt single that we celebrated like a home run and Split was a double that turned the baseball (read: film) world on its head. Here’s a guy we thought was washed. He’s batting .107 and we are begging the team to send him to the minors and now suddenly he’s a solid contributor in the fifth spot in the lineup. So Glass, wellllll, let’s just say if you’re batting .250 that means you’re out ¾ of the time. Was that enough baseball metaphors for you?

To recap, Mr. Glass is back, Jack! And boy is he kind of boring. He’s essentially mute now and snoozing away in an insane asylum. The very asylum where Bruce Willis and The Beast are sent to after a confrontation in a local warehouse. There they meet the very annoying Dr. Staple who basically says they are all fakers and delusions, even though everyone knows it isn’t true because we saw the previous films. So she seems useless (or is she? (twist much?)). Mr. Glass meets with The Beast and basically is like “Let’s team up like the evil dream team,” and The Beast is down. It appears like Mr. Glass is caught, but uses his intelligence to outsmart the guards and get The Beast out of the asylum. He’s ready to unleash The Beast on the soon to be opened Largest Building in Philadelphia. But as they head that way they are confronted in the parking lot by Bruce. Bruce is like “stop” and The Beast is like “no.” Mr. Glass reveals Bruce’s weakness to water, while Bruce’s son reveals that The Beast’s dad, who protected him from his abusive mom, was killed in the train wreck Mr. Glass caused while trying to find Bruce. The Beast is pissed and kills Mr. Glass and throws Bruce into a water tank. Bruce manages to escape, but is too weak to fight, so it’s up to Casey from the first film to swoop in and bring Kevin, The Beast’s true form, into the light. At that point a sniper kills Kevin and police officers kill Bruce. Dr. Staple is revealed not to be a doubter, but instead part of a group tasked with putting down superhumans. Unfortunately for her, Mr. Glass was too smart and was able to stream the security footage of the event to a private server from which it’s released to the public. THE END.

I can certainly see why this qualified for BMT. Not just that it’s a huge step down from Unbreakable and Split, but even without the direct comparison it feels pretty meh. Long stretches of the film are just people being like “I’m not sure I have powers. Do I have powers?” or totally catatonic. It feels like it was done on the cheap or something. They decided to place what should be a fun conclusion entirely within the confines of a hospital without much of a plan on how to make that interesting. Cause it really wasn’t all that interesting I agree with Patrick that the ending is a nice subversion of a comic book film. A twist on a classic villain’s plan. It seems to go awry as it ends with a whimper in the parking lot of a hospital, but it turns out to go exactly as planned in every way. That’s fun… you know… if it actually was any fun. So it’s meh. The high 30’s RT score fits it to a tee.

Hot Take Clam Bake! That video would not impress anyone, let alone destabilize the world by inspiring people to become super. It’s a lame fight in a parking lot. One of the “superhumans” crushes a man… who has a disease that makes him easily crushable. The other is drowned in a puddle by a police officer. This is all assuming they even believe the video is real. It’s the age of AI, people. A computer could make that for me just by reading my mind or whatever. Hot Take Temperature: Philly Cheesesteak.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Glass? Well this movie just got shattered. Let’s go!

Right before watching this I watched Split. That movie is pretty enjoyable. I think a lot of the later M. Night has gotten a tiny bit overrated by people who like the formula he’s going for, which in a way is basically just The Twilight Zone or The Outer Limits on film. The Visit? Genuinely quite bad, and yet a lot of people seem to like it. Split? Solid, but still with a variety of bizarre choices which dropped it from an A to a B at best. I started watching Old … woooooooooooooooooooooooooof. I really don’t like that movie at all.

Glass seems to be the one that caught up on him. Just a shade under 40% seems to be properly rated.

The use of Samuel L. Jackson is terrible. He basically doesn’t do anything the entire film. The old lady makeup for his mother is also terrible. The actress playing his mother is younger than him (ha!).

McAvoy is still okay, but they continue to overuse the child character who is the worst of the bunch, and for all the bluster about 20-some-odd personalities they still only managed to show off a few.

Bruce Willis sleepwalks through the film as usual for that era.

All of the young characters have perplexing arcs.

The ultimate twist is pretty terrible.

And the ending is a bait-and-switch.

Out of all of those issues, the most interesting is the bait-and-switch ending, which upon reflection actually is kind of an excellent idea. Everyone in the movie keeps talking about this big tower being built. And everything is driving towards a big confrontation at that building. And then just as they are leaving for the building, they instead have a pretty lackluster battle in the parking lot of the insane asylum they are being housed at. In a way it is like … what are we doing here? But on another the idea of setting up this big event for it to just fall through (and that being part of the plan as well) seems kind of beautifully understated.

I’m glad they finished the trilogy, but there is very little likelihood I’ll watch anything but Unbreakable again in my life.

The best Product Placement (What?) in the film was a very conspicuous placement of the Apple logo on a computer at one point. Love the traditional Setting as a Character (Where?) for Philadelphia with a newly minted giant glass tower. And a definite Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that all of this has been orchestrated by an Illuminati-like conspiracy to take down superheroes/villains before they gain power. Closest to Bad I think.

Read about the fourth film in the saga in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Wrath of the Titans Recap

Jamie

Hi there, it’s me, Franchise Guy. As you know, I love franchises, but it’s also important for you to know that it’s not just some franchises. It’s all franchises. Even your relatively minor franchises like the Of the Titans series. So don’t think for a second that I wasn’t devastated to learn that there was a canceled sequel to this film called Revenge of the Titans. If there’s one thing a Franchise Guy can’t abide, it’s the loss of an entry. They made Angel has Fallen for goodness sake! You can at least make it a trilogy. So I beg of you, get back in that kitchen and cook us up some revenge. Take a page out of Mechanic Ressurection’s book and start it off in Rio, babbby! Some fun in the sun for our boy Perseus. That is until Zues comes a knocking for one last job. It’s writing itself.

To Recap, Perseus is back, Jack! And boy does he just want to be boring. He’s got a son, his wife has died, and he just wants a nice, quiet… Gah! What are all these monstarrrsssss, noooooo!!!! Maybe he should have listened to his daddio Zues when he asked for his help, cause now Hades and Ares are draining his power in order to unleash Kronos (and monsters) into the world. Dang it! He’s told by a dying Poseidon to take his trident and team up with his demigod son Agenor and Andromeda (hottest lady in the land, remember) to find Hephaestus. You see, H-man is a fallen god who also can make a super rad ultimate weapon that’s definitely real called the Spear of Trium. After dispatching some cyclopses, H-man is perfectly happy to take them to the labyrinth he designed to hold Kronos. Unfortunately, he also has to sacrifice himself to save everyone from an eeeevil Ares. Once in the labyrinth a bunch of lame stuff happens. Like there’s a minotaur, but it’s lame. When they get to Zues they save him, but Kronos still gets free. Perseus has to challenge Ares to a duel so he can build the Spear of Trium to kill Kronos. Meanwhile like a million people die and Hades and Zues become best buds again. Finally, Perseus defeats Ares, builds the spear, and totally kills Kronos. Zues dies, Perseus smooches Andromeda (hard), and they become god kings probably. THE END. 

This one stings for Franchise Guy (did I mention Franchise Guy speaks in the third person?). I unironically enjoyed watching Clash of the Titans. Given that they could borrow heavily from the classic tale of Perseus, it was just a very sound plot. This time around they had to crack their knuckles and… find a bunch of random stuff to borrow from? It mostly feels just like that. A bunch of random stuff. Cyclopses are easily dispatches, a minotaur shows up in the labyrinth for like a millisecond before being thrown away, etc. Then there is the truly bizarre. They invent a MacGuffin, which I appreciate, but really? There weren’t enough MacGuffins for you to work with already? Hades has a redemption story… literally the God of the Underworld is hugging it out with his best bro Zues. It’s wild stuff. It also somehow looked worse than the first one, which is a trend in films. The DC films never really got back to the level of Man of Steel. It’s like a basketball team where the money stays the same, but the superstars get paid more and the role players (CGI) suffer. But you need those role players to make it work. Sigh.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I’d like to ask Perseus a few questions about what exactly happened to his allegedly immortal wife Io. My previous hot take was that Perseus 1000% gets with Andromeda after the first film and oh ho ho by sheer coincidence this immortal lady is suddenly dead and Perseus has to share a daring quest with Andromeda? Sure, sure, sure Perseus. Just a coincidence I bet. Wouldn’t have anything to do with that magical sword you have conveniently buried under your house. And, oh, after years of claiming you just want to be a quiet fisherman and telling your son to deny his immortal ancestors, you suddenly are all like “let’s rule with an iron fist” and “this is your new mom, Andromeda?” Take him away, boys. Perseus? More like Worst-eus. Hot Take Temperature: Hades.

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Wrath of the Titans? More like Say Whaaaa of the Titans? I mean … I’m so tired guys, I just watched two CGI monster movies in a row. Let’s go!

Decidedly worse than the first … I think that about does it. Cheerios!

Fine. This time Sam Worthington seems to have been told that it is fine if he just speaks in his native Australian accent? Wild decision.

Rosamund Pike was good in the film though, I did like the decision to make her the strong leader of the resistance against … (wracks brain) … Ares? I think that’s right. Ares and … Kronos. Phew, I made it there.

The CGI looks like crap though. Maybe because there were many more moments of them just appearing in a place and then getting attacked suddenly by CGI monsters. In the first there was a bit of a “let’s put together a band and go get Medusa’s head” element. Here I honestly cannot remember what precisely they were looking for. I’ll have to look up the wiki page later for the details.

I do like how they twisted things up. The clear downfall of the Gods. All of them effectively die by the end of the film. It is clear that the age of the Greek god ruling is over. Makes you wonder what the third one would have even been about.

But no wonder this was the last. A decidedly ugly, dour film compared to a surprisingly entertaining and light first film. I guess what do you expect when you have to kill off the main character’s wife and make him a saddo to make any of the motivations make sense.

Oh I remember, I bet the third would have been about his quarter (half? Was Io officially a god?) god son and their relationship with the now powerless Hades (the last of the big four Gods we’ve seen).

Setting as a Character (Where?) again for Greece. Period Piece (When?) for Ancient Greece. I think this is a true blue MacGuffin (Why?) for the Spear of Trium which I guess kills Kronos and not much else? Closest to Bad I think, too boring.

Read about the documentary I made about Perseus’ fighting career in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs