Recap – Page 12 – Bad Movie Twins

Clash of the Titans (2010) Recap

Jamie

Clickity Clash of the Titans, baby. Never seen the original and we weren’t about to change that now. We already had to watch a couple films this week and so there is only so much homework we can take… like remember when we did those based-on-a-book cycles? That’s crazy. We got lives, jobs, responsibilities. Responsibilities like a multimedia empire to take care of. So we met up at my house, put on our big boy pants, put our hats on backwards, curled up the cuffs on our pants up past our calves, hiked up our tubes socks to cover our well-toned calves, put on our birkenstocks to pair with our tube socks, unbuttoned exactly two buttons on our casual short sleeved dress shirts, make sure we aren’t wearing our typical deep-v undershirt in order to maintain modesty, put on a single fingerless glove, put a second hat on top of our original hat, tightened our ascots, and watched Clash of the Titans as it should be watched… together… as a fambly… dressed like monsters.

The recap, Perseus is just a demigod looking to live a quiet life as a fisherman. Fat chance! That’s because everyone is going around being like “stupid gods, we don’t even like you,” and the gods are none to happy about it. His family is killed in one of these clashes between man and god and he is taken to Argos. The King and Queen of Argos are all like “whatevs, sure we got totally owned by the gods, but like… doubt it’ll happen again.” Wrong! Hades is right there to kill the queen and threaten to destroy the city with the Kraken unless the princess is sacrificed. Suddenly they are really happy to have Persues around. They send him on a quest to ask some gross witches what they need to kill a Kraken. On this quest they have all kinds of kooky adventures. They fight some big ol’ scorpions, Zeus tries to give Perseus a sword but he’s like “you’re not my real dad!”, and some Djinn come along and agree to help them. When they get to the witches they are indeed real gross, but also they quickly force them to reveal the one thing that can kill a Kraken: Medusa’s gross head. Perseus pretty easily grabs dat head, but pretty much everyone else dies. He uses Pegasus to fly back to Argos where the princess is about to be thrown into the Kraken’s maw. But Perseus is like “check this out,” and shows the Kraken the gross Medusa head and it’s so gross that the Kraken dies. Perseus wins. THE END.

I actually dug this movie. It comes from a time when CGI heavy films were being made with love and care for a massive amount of money rather than now when they are shot out by a CGI cannon for a massive amount of money. So other than a couple dodgy moments (looking at you, giant scorpions) I thought this film looked quite good. It also is helped by being entrenched in classic mythology without a need to deviate too far from the given route. So the story is good. Classic hero’s quest. I can see why the film got a sequel. It made a bunch of money and I could see there being a solid fanbase… like me… I am the fanbase. It made me want to go back and watch the original film, even, just to see if it had a similar classic mythology vibe. But again… responsibilities etc. etc. etc.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Perseus definitely gets with Andromeda, right? She is lauded as the greatest beauty in all the land (just don’t say she’s more beautiful than the gods). She offers Perseus the opportunity to be king. They have been brought closer by an intense tragedy and loss of like… everyone they know. They are getting it. I don’t care that Io is like “uh, I’m also immortal so basically I understand you.” Understand shmand. Put it in the bank. Five seconds after the movie ends Perseus stops and is like “wait a second, I’m not sure I actually want to be a fisherman all that much,” and heads off to have all his wildest dreams come true. Hot Take Temperature: Cool ocean breeze on the cliffs of Argos.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Clash of the Titans? More like Cash Grab of a Slight Film … sure, a little overwrought maybe. Like this movie! Let’s go!

This film is kind of good. I’m actually quite surprised to say that. It seems to have an interesting myth based story. Some of the CGI still holds up decently (a huge surprise). And the cast is chockablock with big stars looking silly in costumes.

It stumbles every so often though. The scorpions? Look like garbage.

Medusa? Real real real garbage looking.

I loved the design of the Djinn, but even that was a little bit of a step too far at times. Starts to really lean into the fantasy elements instead of the mythological elements. Is it weird that I’m like “medusa, giants, gods, etc. that’s fine” but then when a whole mess of Djinn show up it felt like a mixed metaphor? Like they were pulling in some other cultures mythology and muddling things unnecessarily. Perhaps Djinns did exist in ancient Greek myths. Maybe I should look that up.

Nope, from what I can tell Djinns are pretty exclusive to Islamic beliefs, all the way to being firmly established only after the establishment of Islam as a religion even. They existed prior, but it seems rather unlikely that they would have been involved with the Greek mythological figures in any meaningful way.

But still, I was girding myself for a real Sam Worthington (more like Wooden-ton am I right?) performance, but he was a genuine star in this and the film worked quite well I thought.

Sadly I didn’t watch the original, although I wish I had because there is some indication that some of Wrath maybe comes from the back half of that film, which could have made me appreciate that one more.

Obviously a Setting as a Character (Where?) for Ancient Greece, we could replace Meet the Spartans on the map if we wanted to. I kind of love the idea of MacGuffin (Why?) being Medusa’s head, but they also know what it does and why they are getting it so not really. I think this is very much closest to Good.

Read about the three camera sitcom that fell between the two films in the Quiz, Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls Recap

Jamie

There are so many BMT films that we watched as kids that we never picked up because we sat there thinking, “But we watched that so many times before, that’ll skew our perception.” Darn tootin’! That’s kind of the point. Do we see what made these beloved films BMT qualifiers? Or do we vehemently disagree with their unjust BMT characterization? When Ace Ventura; When Nature Calls came out I think it might have been the funniest movie of all time… check that Billy Madison was the funniest movie of all time, but this was in the upper echelon of funny films. My favorite part? The rhino, duh. Nothing says “a nine-year-old will find this hilarious” more than a completely naked grown man squeezing himself out of the butt of a rhino. Now that I’m a completely naked grown man myself, I’m most anticipating the Monopoly Guy scene. One of the craziest things is the guy who played the Monopoly Guy in this film also played a skinny guy in the film Buddy. So that’s two films he’s in where a gorilla has sex with a human… or am I misremembering the film Buddy?

To recap, Ace Ventura is back, Jack! But this time he’s sad. He lost a raccoon and now has devoted his life to meditation in Tibet. When a representative from the nation of Nibia shows up asking for Ace’s help, the monks at the monastery are thrilled to get rid of him. His task is simple: get back the sacred Great White Bat that has been put up as the dowry for an important wedding between the hostile Wachootoo tribe and the peaceful Wachati tribe. Without it there will be war. Ace is grossed out by the bat, but agrees anyway. In Nibia he is informed of several unsavory suspects by the consul Cadby. He follows numerous leads, but nothing comes of them (other than getting pooped out of a mechanical rhino). When he gets tranquilized it appears to point to the Wachootoo tribe itself, but when he goes to investigate he is put through a series of trials which ultimately proves the innocence of the Wachootoo and instead points to a couple of poachers. This ends up leading to the discovery that the Cadby himself has arranged for war in pursuit of control of the guano trade in the region. Ace confronts Cadby and is able to recover the bat, leaving the consul in the loving grips of a randy gorilla. Ace saves the day, but ultimately earns the ire of the Wachootoo for having (unbeknownst to the viewer) deflowered the bride. THE END.

I still think this film is pretty gosh darn funny. Rewatching the first film along with this, though, does put into perspective just how recently comedy was not just playing with fire, but literally on fire with homophobia, transphobia, and racism. The Ace Ventura films unfortunately have plots that center directly on these stereotypes, so it’s hard to get around. It is something you would have to grapple right off the bat on rewatch. But speaking outside of those terms, I’ve always considered the second film much funnier than the first. It was written with Carrey’s Ace character fully realized. This is certainly true. Way, way funnier. Ace is a cartoon character in a real world in the first film. In the second it’s Ace’s world and we’re living in it. Unfortunately, this also means that almost nothing makes sense. The plot is ludicrously bad, just bopping from joke to joke and eventually “resolving” with a whimper. This doesn’t make it less funny, it just means the second is just not as good of a film as the first… you know, if you were looking for that kind of thing in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Ace Ventura was obviously killed at the end of this film. Just listen to the plot of Ace Ventura Jr.: “Ace Ventura Jr. is the son of eccentric ‘pet detective’ Ace Ventura, who had disappeared when he was a baby, and is attempting to follow in his footsteps, much to the chagrin of his mother, Melissa, who repeatedly tries to dissuade him from doing so.” First of all, he disappeared when he was a baby. Maybe when he entered a monastery, got wrapped up in a mystery in Africa, and was killed? Maybe that’s when he disappeared? Also, he had a baby with Melissa from the first film. So clearly the birth happened prior to the events of this film. So I better not see Ace Ventura 3 on the horizon unless it’s called Ace Ventura: Ghost Pet Detective. Hot Take Temperature: Miami Beach.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! How dare you. HOW DAAAAAAAAAAAAARE YOU. Let’s go!

Sometimes you look into the mirror at your clamshell VHS tape of Hook and whisper “Who am I?” and you realize that those movies you liked as a child are actually bad.

C’mon son, you know that day ain’t today. Ace Ventura is hilarious. Get that thought out of your dirty mind this second!

But sure … both films are a mishmash of misogyny, and homophobia, and transphobia, and oh boy is this film racist but like … it’s Ace Ventura, right?

But like … is it morally wrong to show this film to, say, a 10-year-old? The answer I think is yes. They need more context that doesn’t get clouded by a grown man talking out of his butt (objectively hilarious to a 10-year-old). It is on that Revenge of the Nerds level where you would turn to your child and be like “alright … well I forgot about this, but this part is actually rape and this main nerd should be in prison. The sequel should be Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Prison.” It is on the correct side of Soul Man, but on the wrong side of Revenge (only because you could edit Revenge of the Nerds to eliminate the Nerds’ horrible sex crimes).

Alright, enough of the moral quandary, let’s put that to the side and talk about both movies since I forced my wife to watch them with me because she had (gasp!) never seen either.

Verdict: Jim Carry was a whirlwind. A force of nature. The first movie could barely contain him. There is a script online, and for the most part it matches with the movie that was eventually shot, except that it has none of the Jim Carrey-ness of the eventual films. And reading it you can tell it would have been a pretty lackluster comedy without Carrey’s out of this world performance. My guess is that it never is actually made if not for Carrey signing on. Some producer somewhere knew that the script called for a crazy central performance and they nailed it.

The second embraces the character and feels like it sets up to portray the character well, but then gets waylaid by setting it in Africa which immediately causes issues. They really shouldn’t have gone abroad for the first sequel. They should have gone to Hollywood or New York and just amped up Ace Ventura, but kept the more grounded (less fictional) aspects brought in by setting it in a fictional colonized African country.

Fictional Location Alert (Where?) for the country of Nibia, and given the animals probably supposed to be down near South Africa. Not really but kind of a MacGuffin (Why?) for the Great White Bat. And Worst Twist (How?) for the obvious reveal that the white colonial monster is, well, a monster and is trying to set off a tribal war to consolidate power and exploit the resources of the region. I think this is closest to BMT, only because it is pretty funny, but also bad which makes for a pretty entertaining (if fraught) rewatch.

Read about the long lost sequel to When Nature Calls in the quiz, Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Flashdance Recap

Jamie

It’s power to the people time here at BMT as we are focusing on winners or nominees of people/teen/kid’s choice awards. The only awards that really matter. The info on these awards are pretty sparse seeing as they are run through Gallup and so are just kind of polling name recognition, but oh what a surprise when I went to check the March 15, 1984 NYTimes:

There is more info on this advertisement than on the wikipedia page! I feel like we have a right to know that Flashdance was nominated for Favorite Motion Picture and wasn’t just the winner of Favorite Song from a Motion Picture. Also, shouldn’t we be privy to the fact that both R2D2 and C3PO were scheduled to appear alongside Swedish Chef and Meryl Streep? Now we just need to get our hands on an actual copy of the special Gallup poll.

To recap, Alex is a Pittsburgh area steel worker who dreams of being a professional dancer. But she lacks money (and the confidence) so spends her days welding away and her nights flash dancing her heart out. One night her boss, Nick, shows up to her show and is entranced. He basically gets HR on the phone and is like “Call me The Mask, cause someone should stop me.” He insists they date and ultimately they do, even as his wealth, age, and ex-wife try to get in the way. She goes through a bunch of trials and tribulations involving her best friend becoming a stripper (she says “stop that!”), Nick being spotted at a charity function with his ex-wife (she says “stop that!”) and their subsequent break-up when she finds out he pulled some strings to get her an audition at a prestigious dance school despite her lack of experience (she’s like “stop that!”). Ultimately, though, she decides to go through with the audition. Why? Because she’s a great goddamn dancer, that’s why! Obviously, she blows all the judges’ minds with her dancing and smooches Nick for hours. THE END.

I really, really liked this movie. Don’t get me wrong, the script is paper thin. I could almost feel it fluttering in the wind threatening to fly away as I watched the movie. But it is perfection in how they are able to take that script and jazz is up with pure, unadulterated entertainment. I remember taking a film class in college and being asked one day by the TA what my favorite movie was. Other students were like Gone with the Wind, Casablanca, The General… just throwing out classics. When it came to me I said the truth (at the time): Anchorman and the reason I gave was that it was pure comedy. Everything about it was meant to be funny. Even the parts that appeared not to be funny, like the love interest, was turned on its head to be a joke. And I thought it was perfect execution of pure jokes. This is perfect execution of pure entertainment. The script is trash. The plot is nonsense. It doesn’t age perfectly and it portended a wave of cocaine-fueled erotic thrillers that was… not pure entertainment. But boy… what a feeling.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I smell a scandal, ladies and gentlemen. Hear me out, it appears like Nick pulls strings at the dance academy so that Alex can fulfill her dreams. I don’t buy it. I’m thinking the chain of events is this. 1. Nick is caught with his ex-wife at the ballet. 2. Alex and him have a huge blow up at the plant that everyone sees. 3. Gossip abounds, which reaches HR. 4. Nick is brought in to talk, this is not his first strike. 5. Nick’s like “No, no, you see she doesn’t even work here anymore, she’s going to dance school and is just working till the term starts.” 6. HR is like “Really?” 7. Nick is like “Yeah, definitely.” 8. HR is like “OK, well that’s good. That’s OK.” 9. NICK IS SCRAMBLING. Alex doesn’t have any experience! Who does he know on the board?! Where is his rolodex?!… and eventually… 27. Smooching away his problem with Alex after she wins the day. Phew. Hot Take Temperature: Pittsburgh, but it’s like mid-August.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! I’m a maniac. And this movie makes me feel like we were witnessing the birth of a whole genre of movies. Let’s go!

That genre? Something along the lines of “cheapo film made with a no name actress we dress in very skimpy clothing”. This movie was a phenomenon. The third highest grossing film (domestic) of 1983 after The Return of the Jedi and Tootsie. Wikipedia claims it made over $200 million worldwide, although given the time period the number cited in the lawsuit surrounding the film ($150 million) seems more likely. $90 million domestic, $60 million worldwide. This film was made for $7 million.

Here’s a mostly unfounded theory. This film is a romantic drama. But romantic dramas are tough and often don’t make money (see something like previous BMT classic A Change of Seasons) because when they are bad people don’t like them. So you need a genre with some vim, one where even when it is bad people still find it exciting and interesting. Enter: Action, Horror, or Thriller. Action is expensive, Horror is gross, and thus the Erotic Thriller is born. That a dime-a-dozen cheap thriller script, add in a young actress, et voila. Money printer. Until it wasn’t I guess, the puritanism of the late-90s kind of caught up with it in the end.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if the actual genre (which tends to be either legal or detective thrillers) was born out of a glut of noir films still being written when the genre was effectively dead.

Oh the movie? Solid stuff. Really really entertaining. Jennifer Beale was genuinely good. And the underdog story worked well. A very Billy Elliot delivery in the end as well with the dance scene.

But yeah, the main issue is that sure: three dances (first dance, Maniac, and the audition) you can chalk up to necessity. The outfits? Fine, that’s what she wears when dancing. But the strip club scene? The workout scene? The gratuitous stretching? The dinner outfit. There are five or six bits which are obviously just there for us to ogle Beale and 40 years later it reads pretty gross. Unfortunately without a bunch of it the movie would be too short, otherwise I would wonder what a Not Gross Cut would look like and whether it would read better.

There is a Peanuts short called It’s a Flashdance, Charlie Brown. It’s on Apple+. I watched it. Unfortunately Snoopy doesn’t do the water thing at the beginning scene which is called “Flashbeagle”. So that gets a D at best.

A huge Setting as a Character (Where?) for Pittsburgh where our hero is a welder who really just dreams of being a dancer. Secret Holiday Film (When?) Alert, because we have a big scene set during Halloween. And this is definitely a Good film.

Read about the sequel 40 years in the making in Flashdance: Generations in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Supergirl Recap

Jamie

It’s March 15, 1986 and it’s a Saturday. Time for some Saturday morning cartoons? Wrong. It’s time for back-to-back 7am and 9am showings of Citizen Kane and Supergirl. Expand our minds. We have no time for Robotech, Terrahawks, or Davey and Goliath. And we definitely don’t have time for Muppets, Babies & Monsters. That’s cause we… we… hold up. What did they say was airing at 9am? Muppets, Babies & Monsters? What thuuuuuuu…. That’s right. I’m getting totally distracted to bring you a breaking news bulletin that apparently Muppet Babies was so popular in its first season that they expanded it to an hour and added a segment about monsters and changed the name to reflect that. It was then so not popular that they only aired three episodes and left ten episodes unaired. Which begs the question: how could a show that only aired three episodes in September 1985 and left a bunch unaired still have an episode airing in March 1986? And how could it be that this cartoon could only get three episodes while Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling (airing at 10am) gets two full seasons? Put BMT in the trash, I think we just got our new website. We’re going to be devoting all our time to solving these important questions (and more). But till then.

To recap, Kara is Superman’s cousin living in Argo City yearning for adventure. Fortunately for her (and less fortunately for the fellow citizens of Argo City) she inadvertently sends the city’s power source, the Omegahedron, to Earth dooming all to death. Off she flies to Earth to try to remedy the situation where she finds herself immediately transformed into Supergirl. She hides away in an all-girls private school and makes friends with Lucy Lane as she tries to find the big O. Turns out a local witch, Selena, has found it and intends to use it to take over the world. But first, love. She sets her eyes on the school’s hunky groundskeeper only to have it go sideways when Supergirl comes in to save him from some runaway construction equipment and he falls in love with her schoolgirl alter ego instead (gross). Selena. Is. Pissed. Time to take out this girl, but gah! Every time she tries to go after the girl Supergirl is somehow right there to stop her. How can this be?! Using extra special baddie powers she traps Supergirl in the Phantom Zone and starts in on conquering the world. Oh despair! No one escapes the Phantom Zone. Except Zaltar, Kara’s former teacher, is also exiled there and hints that they actually kind of can escape. Off they go where Supergirl is able to get out with the help of Zaltar’s self-sacrifice. In a final climactic battle that in no way looks like shit, Supergirl does battle with a giant demon and dispatches Selena. While Supergirl is totally jonesing for that hunky groundskeeper she knows she must leave him behind to save Argo City. THE END.

I feel like I’ve been in a very forgiving mood lately with our BMT films. The biggest sin this film has is that it’s way too long (seemingly by letting the older supporting stars of the film run rampant on the film) and feels a bit like a very extended pilot episode of a television show. But once you get past that there are some solidly positive things I can say. Other than the final battle they clearly had a good handle on the effects they wanted to use, particularly the wire work. I also felt like they knew what they were trying to make in that you couldn’t just superimpose a lady over Superman and get this film. They gave Kara some coming-of-age characteristics that made for an interesting take on the story (although it ended up drowned out by Selena’s story). Ultimately it seemed like they got spooked by the fact that they were working with a rookie lead. Would have been better if it was Supergirl and not Selena the Cougar Witch (feat. Supergirl). As for The Punisher, I was surprised by the professionalism of the film and the fact that Dolph Lundgren is pretty decent. Why it didn’t get released to theaters seems like a mystery to me. The Fantastic Four this was not. Sure it has an offensive Japanese villain storyline befitting a cheap B-movie martial arts film, but what didn’t in those days? America was scared of Japan and so everywhere you turned was Gung Ho and Rising Sun. The Punisher fits right in.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Supergirl is back the next day, if not the next hour. You think she’s going back to lame ass Argo City with its garbage fake tree art when she’s got a hunky groundskeeper back on Earth? Hellllll no. She knows how to get back to Earth. She knows that she’ll be super dope when she gets there. And she definitely knows that Ethan better limber up. Supergirl is coming and she’s going to break him in half if he isn’t careful. Hot Take Temperature: Miami.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Wait a minute! We have a man overboard! We have some flotsam on the port side, captain. It’s the little known Superman spinoff from the 80s, Supergirl. Let’s go!

This movie is so long. Why is this movie so long?!

It is also very silly. Although, I would contend it is no sillier than Superman III which features Richard Pryor skiing off a skyscraper and just landing safely on the street below, and the greatest character in all of cinema: Bad Superman.

I liked Helen Slater though.

Her love interest is like a 25 year-old dating the high schoolers at the private school he landscapes at … I guess maybe we are supposed to read that he’s like 18 or 19 though? A little like Jimmy Olson I think these are people who didn’t go to college and instead went right into their chosen field as cub reporter / landscaper. But then what the hell is Selena doing enchanting a young man to be her sex slave? Helen Slater and Faye Dunaway in a love triangle with anyone is confusing. I’m going to go with: Supergirl reads at 18, Ethan is supposed to be 25, and Selena is genuinely 40 and a creep. Ethan has a constant five o’clock shadow.

Peter O’Toole’s character is a dummy and ultra weird. His part in the Phantom Zone (and the fact that you can escape it?) is best forgotten.

But man … why is this movie so long?!

For the Bring a Friend bit of the Citizen Kane cycle I went hunting for a pair of superhero films. With us finally clearing out the DCEU a bit, it made me wonder how many superhero films I had seen in my life. The answer was: a distressing amount. And yet … not enough. So naturally we dipped back into that low-budget well to witness The Punisher (1989) starring Dolph Lundgren. I can see why it became a cult classic in its own way, it is more of what The Punisher became in later media incarnations I feel like. He kills, he’s driven only by revenge, but he can’t abide the death of innocents, etc. Let’s just pretend the film isn’t disgustingly racist in its depiction of the very eeeeeevil Japanese mafia villains. Indeed, we can add this right to the Hall of Fame of films based on the fear that Japanese corporations were going to take over and destroy American business (and in this case crime I guess). A. I think this is a pretty fun “bad movie” in the end. Easy breezy, genuinely bad, racism du jour for the late 80s, Lundgren. Solid stuff.

This movie has, bar none, some of the greatest Product Placement (What?) we’ve seen, but I have to give a shout out to the classic fast food connection for Popeye’s. This can join Little Nicky as a rep for that chain. I’m going to give this a Setting as a Character (Where?) for rather explicitly setting Superman in Chicago and this film in a suburb outside of it in Midvale. A great and genuine MacGuffin (Why?) for the Omegahedron which everyone is chasing around all film and it does whatever you want whenever you need seemingly. I think this is a BMT film despite its length, I found it to be mildly amusing and a fun 80s time.

Read about the sequel Supergirl 2: Cyber War in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane Recap

Jamie

We’re back, Jack! Cause we get to flashback to September 1st, 1994. A birthday so sweet that they just had to get Citizen Kane going early. Settle in at 11am on AMC for that CKane action. But rest up cause you better believe that they are taking The Adventures of Ford Fairlane primetime. Channel 11 at 8pm they are giving you the rock and roll detective. The FCC must have been going wild. Phones ringing off the hook at Andrew Dice Clay’s antics. We try to change the channel but the birthday boy says no. It’s his birthday and he’ll laugh at ADC if he pleases. Everyone is so jazzed by the experience that they collapse in exhaustion. Unbeknownst to them Jamie and Patrick sneak downstairs and find to their delight The Sketch Artist starring Jeff Fahey (1am on TMC), thus beginning their Fahey-aissance. An aissance that continues to this day. So, thank you The Adventures of Ford Fairlane. Thank you.

To recap, Andrew Dice Clay is the coolest cat in town. He is bedding ladies left and right. He is meeting with musicians and producers and everyone under the sun. We come to find that despite nabbing baddies on the regular, he’s not making any money because the musicians hiring him are paying him in eccentric gifts like koalas. We also find that he has a secretary that loves him and he loves her, but he’s gotta keep up his persona. Anyway, he gets a call from a friend who is now a shock jock about a job. When he goes there the dude wants to find a girl, Zuzu Petals, and is being real shady about it. ADC agrees to the gig, but just minutes later the guy is murdered. He gets a couple clues from the radio stations and the next morning is approached by a rich lady, Connie Sutton, who also wants to find Zuzu. He starts to collect a series of CDs, but not musical CDs, rather those newfangled computer doohickeys, you dig? He also figures out that Zuzu is associated with the lead singer of The Black Plague, who recently died on stage. While investigating he is almost killed numerous times by a hitman and is almost blown up. Ultimately they end up confronting the head of a music studio, Wayne Newton, who reveals his big plan was to bootleg the CDs of his company to make money off both the legitimate and black market. No prob telling Ford, because he’s about to die. Or is he? He’s not, because he escapes and is able to crack the final clue and get the last disc. This is all revealed and he wins the day, gets the girl, adopts a kid to be their son, and wins a billion dollars. No seriously, that’s how it ends. THE END.

Sometimes films are listed as having a “cult following” and I’m not sure I understand it. Either because the film is well known and probably not “cult,” or that it is objectively horrendous and shouldn’t have a “following.” I fully expected that to be the case here. The film is notorious. For all I had known this was a misogynistic pile of garbage and Andrew Dice Clay was king of the Mt. Garbage. Guess what? It wasn’t. I actually can kinda see how this is a cult film. It is weird in a specifically early 90’s Hudson Hawk kind of way and ADC is actually not half bad. You can see the natural charisma that briefly made him a comic star. The film mostly suffers from some poor performances (looking at you Robert Englund) and an inane plot complete with a laughable CD-ROM MacGuffin. Overall, though, it was way better than I thought it would be. Huh… I did not expect this.

Hot Take Clam Bake! It’s a classic, ladies and gentlemen. You know what I’m going to say: the end of this film didn’t happen and Ford Fairlane was actually shot and killed. It’s just the final firing of his dumb synapses. Think about the ending: Ford saves the day by tricking the bad guy in the most obvious way. Straight out of a movie type of stuff. Then he goes off and confesses his love for his secretary and they set off to live happily ever after. But not before grabbing a cute tyke to be their adoptive son and stopping briefly for Ford to win a billion dollars in a radio giveaway. We end with an image of them living happily on a yacht. You can tell they weren’t thinking Ford Fairlane 2. Why? Cause there never was going to be a Ford Fairlane 2… cause he’s dead. Hot Take Temperature: The Last Seduction.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Once upon a time there was a man named Andrew Dice Clay who wasn’t funny and yet he got a movie made starring him as basically his comedy schtick. The early 90s were wild. Let’s go!

Is my brain dying? Because I didn’t think Andrew Dice Clay, as an actor, was half bad in this movie. I guess that is basically what happens when you cast someone as themself in a film while simultaneously “themself” actually is an act they’ve been putting on for years.
I also thought the core of the film was basically an okay idea. That makes sense right? It is based on a series of short stories that ran in the trades back in the day. So the concept of a PI who investigates Rock n’ Roll crimes and is himself a failed Rock n’ Roller is a pretty cool concept.
Alright, I think that’s it for all the good stuff in the film (and even that is borderline).
The jokes aren’t funny, and it is blatantly obvious why people make fun of Andrew Dice Clay on the reg even though he hasn’t been any kind of famous for about three decades. It is a joke layered upon a joke at this point. I guess it wouldn’t have been as obvious at that point that his homophobic and misogynistic character wouldn’t fly, but even at the time I think it was mostly shock value. Which I suppose makes it somewhat poetic that one of the people his character is existentially associated with is a shock jock. That was what he was right? A shock comic. I guess those still exist, although to a smaller degree. I couldn’t really name a comedian who’s managed to make a whole mainstream career from shock recently. Jeselnik seems like one of the last, but who knows, I’m not exactly plugged into that world at this point in my life. It does feel like “shock” comics are mostly a right-wing thing at this point.
From top to bottom the acting in the film is pretty rough.
And overall the storyline is ultra-confusing. It is basically like … a financial coverup by Wayne Newton? And he kills a bunch of people who figure it out. And it involves three discs which have to all be put into a special computer together for it to work? Maybe? Destroy the computer Wayne, ever think of that?
And my god, Wayne Newton looks bizarre in this film. I couldn’t figure out who he was for quite a while. He looked like he had late-stage CharlesBronson-itis with his big puffy face. No offense.
I mean, it has an A+ Product Placement (What?) for a Ford Fairlane, which they got into trouble for lying about actually blowing up (since it is apparently quite rare, enthusiasts were not amused by them joking around about destroying one). Definitely a Setting as a Character (Where?) for the music industry of Los Angeles. I do love an actual MacGuffin (Why?) for the set of three discs they don’t know anything about for 90% of the film. I think this is a BMT film, it is very very weird, but strangely entertaining, and very 90s.

Read about the sequel The Adventures of Ford Fairlane: Social Security in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Suicide Squad (2016) Recap

Jamie

I had to take this off the beaten path for this cycle because our NYTimes data is driven by the Timesmachine, which doesn’t go past the early 2000’s. So when we are trying to build a chain and that chain goes through Killer Elite, you aren’t gonna be able to confirm many cases where the film of interest aired on the same day as Citizen Kane. So this one was quite an odyssey. Using a combination of LATimes and the WayBackMachine I was able to confirm that indeed Citizen Kane and Suicide Squad aired on the same day… but that’s about it. So no fun anecdote, only an evening of churning through LATimes archives… which is probably not all that much different than watching this movie. It’s a grind.

To recap, Superman is dead, so the government is looking for the next set of heroes that could defend Earth when baddie Metahuman comes along. Enter the Suicide Squad, a group formed by an evil government operator named Waller. The group consists of baddie Metahumans who were mostly caught by Batman and now are hanging in prison. They are Will Smith as Deadshot and Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn…. and then a bunch of other people. The government signs on mostly because they seem like great weapons to be on our side. The baddies sign on because they kind of have to, but also to potentially have their sentences reduced. Almost immediately one of the members of the group, The Enchantress, uses her immense ability to summon her brother Incubus and they begin to destroy Midway City. Since this is bad they gotta send in the baddies to out bad them. They fly in and battle a bunch of mutants. Turns out this was all just to save Waller who ended up trapped in Midway City. As she flies away her helicopter crashes so once again the Suicide Squad has to go after her and battle Incubus. They are not enthused, particularly after they learn that this was kinda caused by the program itself, so they quit. But after having some heart-to-hearts they decide that being bad ain’t good and so they go after Incubus and The Enchantress. Enter the giant CGIfest battle where a bunch of people sacrifice themselves in order to defeat evil. In the end they all get their sentences reduced and Harley Quinn gets freed by the Joker (who was actually in a lot of the movie, but his part was lame and useless). THE END.

I don’t think it’s possible to actually like this movie, but at least it seemed to be having some fun. I liked Smith and Robbie at least and that was enough for a small voice in the back of my head to say “Sequel?” My main complaints are that it seemed like the director and studio were on totally different pages. Half the film is practical effect, the other half is a crazy CGI mess, and neither are done well. This is really unfortunate for the practical effects which I generally like, but in this case it looks like a TV show. Second, the whole thing seems pretty uninterested in what it was trying to say. The first thirty minutes of the film is just exposition because there are so many characters. There never seems to be any stakes because I don’t think anyone involved really cared about the conflict. And finally, the Joker in the room: Jared Leto. Woof. That is all I will say. Like Lex Luthor in Batman v Superman it is a choice and not one I like.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Viola Davis’ performance in this film should have been nominated for an Oscar. Ow! Too hot. The take is too hot. Let’s try that again. Viola Davis’ performance in this film should have been nominated for a Golden Globe. That’s better. She is like the argument for Mike Trout winning MVP a thousand times for being on the perennially mediocre LA Angels team. It’s like, but doesn’t the team have to win games? But then everyone looked at Trout’s numbers and were like “numbers don’t lie.” Viola Davis basically is reading exposition voiceover half the time but there are moments where I was legit like “wow” as she said something dumb about metahumans causing World War 3 or something. She is hitting multiple grand slams while her team walks in 12 runs and forfeits in the 6th inning. Hot Take Temperature: Wild Things.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! What are we, some kind of BMT Squad? Let’s go!

This movie feels oddly fun at times. Like you can see that kernel of a fun film floating inside of it, and you just wish that it wasn’t just a complete mess.
Also, well. So some of this is a bit hard to tell, because I saw some Extended Cut or something? So all of the reviews and a few podcasts which discussed this film don’t seem to mention Leto much. Indeed, they talk like he’s only in one scene and it is fine. In whatever cut I watched though he’s in like half the film. He is constantly popping up and it is terrible. I’ve never seen a character so thoroughly ruin a film before in my life. He’s taking us away from the two charismatic leads in Harley and Deadshot, and he is an actual charisma black hole which ruins any scene he is in and makes it gross. Never before have I seen a worse performance in a BMT film. And that is saying something. It ruins the film!
With that out of the way I do think Margot Robbie and Will Smith were pretty solid. He curses too much, and whatever they have her wearing is out of control. I’m glad they seemed to have fixed that in the sequel and remake. Because she is basically given what I would describe as a “cheeky bikini bottom” as a costume. That is unacceptably gross. I don’t like it one bit.
The bad guy June Moone is a CGI disaster. It is Cara Delevingne’s inexpressive face on a gyrating CGI belly dancer body and it is real weird shit. Unlike most people (seemingly) I actually kind of like her as an actress. Here though she is asked to do less than nothing and ends up as a kind of one shot bad guy which doesn’t work.
The whole thing just comes across as a mess. And they only really kill one of the Suicide Squad guys, Slipknot, and in one of the weirdest dumbest ways possible. It’s a mistake. They seemingly correct it in the next one where they get a bunch of weird side characters so you can kill a bunch and no one really cares. I imagine that’s the idea of Suicide Squad. Their reason to be.
I think I liked this one more than Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice in general. But that film was much much more well made. It is just a boring downer. So I suppose that is fun … they both were bad in fundamentally different and interesting ways.
I do like Scott Eastwood as a Faceless Assistant (Who?) playing GQ Edwards, Flag’s assistant and very confusing character in general. A Wait This is a Place (Where?) for Midway City, a DC comics location I’ve never heard of. And yeah, this film is probably closest to BMT for Leto’s Joker performance alone, bizarre choices abound.

Read about my sequel DC’s GQ Origin in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Recap

Jamie

It’s nuts that Zac Snyder was given control of the DC Universe and planted his flag squarely in the Superman franchise. It just doesn’t seem like a property that is well suited to the Snyder aesthetic. So unsurprisingly I found Man of Steel not very good. In fact I thought it was quite bad and mostly because it was a version of Superman that seemed to not know anything about Superman. Despite this, it is less surprising that Snyder hopped on Batman v Superman for another go around. Put Superman second and get down and dirty with Batman. That certainly seems within his wheelhouse. Get giant Ben Affleck to lift some tires with his giant torso. This makes much more sense… but apparently that didn’t make for a better movie cause this one ended up qualifying for BMT. Let’s go!

As we saw in Man of Steel, Superman fucked up Metropolis and now everyone is sad. Batman most notably, but also Lex Luther, now being played as a smarmy techbro. Meanwhile Superman is loving life as Clark Kent straight smooching Lois Lane. So when Lois gets in trouble tracking down a warlord in a war torn country, Superman swoops in to save the day. Or did he? Looks like someone is trying to make him look like an asshole cause they are saying he killed a bunch of people. That someone is Lex Luthor who is also trying to create weapons to battle Superman. Batman is a bit suspicious so he steals all the info from Lex’s harddrive. Eventually he finds out that Lex has been researching all kinds of metahumans, including Wonder Woman, and he starts to get an idea… maybe to kill Superman. Superman agrees to meet with Congress to try to clear his name, but Lex smuggles in a bomb and sets it off. This makes Superman look like an even bigger asshole. Superman is sad, so he leaves, but has to come back when Lex kidnaps his mom. Lex lays out his plan: he must battle Batman or else his mom will die. He’s like “OK” like an idiot and they battle for a while until they realize that both their moms were named Martha. Coooool. So now they fight together. They free Martha, but Lex got a backup plan: a big ol’ monster made from Kryptonian technology. Wonder Woman joins for a giant CGIfest battle which ends with the death of the monster, but also the death of Superman. Everyone is pretty sad about that and decide they have to get a team together to help save the world without Superman. THE END.

I think… I think I liked this more than Man of Steel. It seems impossible because there are several giant mistakes made. The version of Lex Luthor they present? One giant, extended mistake that may very well be the prime reason this film qualified for BMT… that and the fact that nothing makes sense and the whole thing is extremely confusing (even though we watched the Extended Cut which is apparently less confusing than the theatrical version). At one point we do a double dream sequence where Batman dreams he’s in an apocalyptic future and like seven different things happen that only someone heavily invested in the DC comics could possibly understand. Oh and the film opens on a scene that is purposefully evocative of 9/11… which was interesting, but also made me a little uncomfortable. Oh and it ends on a Morbius style CGI battle sequence that made my eyes bleed. So yeah, it seems impossible that I could like this more than Man of Steel but I did… because Snyder should just do Batman and not Superman because he clearly doesn’t even like Superman.

Hot Take Clam Bake! They really need to stop making Superman movies. The real problem is that DC is real “coooool.” I’m kind of making fun of them, but it’s true. It’s the disease you get from spawning a rebirth of superhero movies not just once, but twice at the hands of auteurs. But guess what those auteurs were producing: Batman movies. So why does Snyder decide to focus on Superman? It’s hubris. Everyone wants to do Superman because he’s the OG. So what is James Gunn doing now that he’s taken over? Superman. But why, Jame Gunn? It could be good, but it doesn’t feel right. Do you know what would feel right? Steven Spielberg. And who does Batman? Scorcese. And who does Batman v Superman? Both of them. Hot Take Temperature: The Crush.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice? You think you can just have a v floating there without a period and everyone will be cool with it. Not on our watch Zach Snyder. Let’s go!

How do I put this … this film was a downer? Like an ultra downer. Right? I’m not wrong about this. The film has the color palette of “brown” and both Superman and Batman are kind of trash people. To be clear: I’m talking about the two heroes of the film. Not the villain. And boy howdy will we be talking about the various villains of the film.
They kind of play right into the idea that Superman is this alien disconnected from humanity who can’t seem to get across to people that he’s a literal God who can save us from super villains and ourselves. Instead he likes to get himself into situations where people ambiguously think he killed a bunch of people and make out with Amy Adams in a bath. Boom roasted. Next!
Oh good, Batman, you’re always chill right? … WRONG. You are branding people and getting them killed in prison. Because what every Batman loves is the loophole of “well I didn’t technically kill that guy … I just marked him for death and sent him to his death. Cleaning up the streetz!” He’s a bad guy and a bad detective and he almost killed Superman because he’s also a dummy. Boom roasted. Next!
Lex Luthor? What a weird character. The mannerisms of what I can only forever assume Mark Zuckerberg has, and yet people meet him and are like “hmmmm, you seem totally normal. Although I do wish you would stop talking about angels and demons and Nazis and muttering about how smart people should have absolute power … but outside of that you seem normal and I think you should write our anti-Superman legislation and have unfettered access to an alien spaceship”. Boom roasted. Next!
Wonder Woman? Actually … she wasn’t bad. The only odd bit was that they were very obviously trying to get you to think she could be Selena Kyle (aka Catwoman) but that headfake makes no sense since she’s in the trailer and also they had already announced the Wonder Woman film at this point. Makes the film seem weird. Condition: not roasted.
I think I’ll finish with Zach Snyder. I don’t begrudge his fans their taste in cinema. His color palette is grays and browns and there’s a tonally confusing ultra-violence to everything he does. But he doesn’t make action films. He makes Zach Snyder films. And they are somehow different and I don’t like them and that is that. They are unpleasant to watch. Half-hearted boom roasted. I’m getting tired, guys.
The movie is weird. It is all over the place. It has a garbage pile of CGI as the ultimate villain in … Destructo? I literally can’t remember what he’s called. Like … Dementor? Did it have a name?
And then they just have like four teaser trailers for the upcoming standalone films (two of which didn’t even happen!).
And then everyone cries a bunch even though Superman is obviously not dead. How dumb.
Product Placement (What?) exists, although the only one that obviously springs to mind is a shot of Olay body wash in the tub scene at the beginning. Funny Setting as a Character (Where?) for both Metropolis and Gotham, one of which apparently is in Delaware, although that is hardly canonical. This movie is closest to Bad, it is weird and unpleasant and then too long to even be rewatchable, I didn’t like it.

Read about my sequel DC’s Wonder in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Man Trouble Recap

Jamie

Man Trouble aired on TV on January 11th, 1997… but you had plenty of time to throw on Citizen Kane that day because, guess what? You had already watched Man Trouble in theaters five years earlier. “Been there, done that,” you think, recalling the stunning advertising scheme that launched you directly from your couch into the nearby cineplex:

Jack Nicholson and Ellen Barkin are the funniest AND sexiest couple of the summer? Sign me up, you thought. ‘Funny’ and ‘Sexy’ are the two words you immediately associated with Jack Nicholson and you couldn’t wait to see it sizzle on screen with EBark. Lo your disappointment when you learned that it was merely the second funniest and sexiest couple of the summer. That’s because it’s the summer of Universal Soldier, where JCVD and Dolph Lungren do some sizzling of their own. A sizzle so hot that Jack and EBark never stood a chance.

To recap, Ellen Barkin is a recently single opera singer who gets scared living alone following a break-in at her apartment. She asks to move in with her kooky sister, but she’s off for some surgery/rehab. She still moves into her sister’s house but begins looking for protection. Enter Jack Nicholson, an unpleasant, married, mildly racist owner of a floundering guard dog service. He’s happy to sell her a dog, nevermind that he doesn’t technically own the dog. Barkin is loving how ferocious this dog is, but still is quite spooked when she continues to receive creepy messages at the house and is even attacked by a masked man. Meanwhile Jack is approached by representatives from Barkin’s sister’s powerfully rich ex-boyfriend offering to pay him cash to steal an explosive memoir the sister is writing. Jack is hesitant because he kind of likes Barkin, but still takes the check cause he’s broke and is going to lose his business. After some steamy dates and some hot and heavy make-out sessions with Barkin, Jack ends up half-heartedly looking for the memoir, but drops it when he finds a gift that Barkin has bought for him. When Barkin gets a call from her sister claiming to have been taken prisoner by her ex, Barkin and Jack head out to find her. They end up saving her, but the ex reveals Jack’s falsehoods which ends their relationship. Later, Barkin is at practice with the symphony and gets a ride with one of her friends. Luckily Jack is following because what seemed to be a platonic male friend turns out to be the very person who has been terrorizing her! He’s been harboring resentment that she never liked him because of how much of a loser he is and now is ready to take it out on her. Not so fast! Here comes Jack and they battle it out. Having saved the day, Jack smooches Barken and they live happily ever after. THE END.

I’m not sure what happened here. You can see the skeleton of a film that delivers on what it appears to be selling: Jack Nicholson is a con artist of sorts who to cover his debts is convinced to gain the confidence of a woman so he can steal something of value. He begins to take advantage, but then unexpectedly finds that he’s catching some feelings (as the kids say) and then has to somehow unravel his own scheme. But most of what I just laid out appears to have been sanded away before production. Jack’s character is a bad person for sure, but also seems to be an actually good dog trainer who is trying to make an honest buck after striking out on his own. He is pretty much into Barkin from the jump, and she’s into him, and he helps her a bunch. He’s not even a con man as far as we can tell. If anything he seems more like a sad person who unexpectedly finds love. The tone is wildly off as a result of whatever they did to change the plot. It seems like it was meant to be a satire of romantic comedies with all kinds of jagged edges… but then they tried to turn it into a stereotypical rom com. The result is not funny and not sexy. It is well acted, though. That about sums it up.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Jack is in for a world of hurt with this relationship. First of all he’s already proven himself untrustworthy. Barkin knows he was married the whole time they knew each other and that is no bueno. Second, he’s lost his business which was already failing. Why was it failing? Because he has no business sense. So why did he own a business? Because he clearly was a great trainer, but had problems with authority. Methinks this dude is going to be unemployed for quite a while. Third, so why is Barkin going to hang around an unemployed liar? They must have a lot in common, right?… right?! Nope. Nothing in common. He’s a bore. She is an opera singer who loves literature. So now she has an unemployed, uninteresting liar bumming around her house. This relationship is lasting a month tops and then he’s out on his ass… unless Man Trouble 2: More Trouble. Jack starts to terrorize Barkin himself to get that magic back. Now that’s a con man! Hot Take Temperature: Original Sin.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Man Trouble? More like Won’t Chuckle! Amirite? A Jack Nicholson rom com I’ve never heard of where he plays a huge piece of garbage? Sign me up! Let’s go!

Read about the sequel Man Trouble 2: Cyber in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Poltergeist III Recap

Jamie

Welcome to a bona fide Daddio Special. Airing on September 1st, 1990 we could have plopped down as a family at 7pm to watch Poltergeist III. Now we are jazzed. We just got Poltergeisted. We’re like “Daddy, daddy, we can’t go to bed yet. Best birthday ever!” and so he unfurls the newspaper. Will it be Casualties of War, Stand and Deliver, or Leviathan? Nah. The Times is telling him to “spare yourself” (at least regarding Leviathan). Oh ho, but what’s this on TMC? UHF!?!? Literally our favorite film growing up that we watched over and over and over and over?! It’s destiny. Then off we go to bed, having laughed and loved with Poltergeist III and UHF. The perfect birthday pairing. Once we are in bed, though, Daddio works his way through Night of the Demons and The Iron Triangle so he can finish his birthday right: a 2 am showing of Citizen Kane. Beautiful symmetry.

To recap, the Freelings are back, Jack! Well not really. Only Carrrooollll Annnneeee, who has been sent away to live with her Aunt Pat and her new husband Bruce and his daughter Donna. Bruce is all like “the more the merrier” while Pat is a bit rude and has some ‘tude towards her niece. She’s got an art gallery to run, damn it! They live in a fully mirrored skyscraper that Bruce runs (don’t want to see his bill for Windex, emiright?) and Carol Anne goes to a special school for special children run by a very not special (and particularly awful) child psychologist who thinks Carol Anne is manipulative and delusional. But she’s not delusional. Not at all. That’s cause Kane is back, Jack and ready to snack… on Carol Anne’s soul. Bwahahaha. While Pat and Bruce are out at a party and Donna is doing some partying of her own, Carol Anne is attacked by Kane. She is able to escape but is soon pulled into the Other Side. Donna and her maybe-more-than-a-friend Scott witness this on the building’s security cameras and are also pulled into the Other Side when they go to try and help her. Things are looking pretty dire (3-0 Kane by my count), but Scott and Donna make a surprise return so really it’s 2-1, advantage good guys. Bruce runs off to try to find Carol Anne and in a big ol’ twist Donna and Scott kill the psychologist cause they are actually mirror people! Back to a 0-3 shutout by Kane. Boooooo! But Pat realizes she has to lose the ‘tude and only by showing how much she loves Carol Anne can she defeat Kane’s hate. Bruce, Pat, Carol Anne, and Donna are reunited. 2-1 good guys and they never get Scott back cause fuck him, right? THE END.

Wowza. This movie is really quite bad on every single level. Acting? Dire. Storyline? Confusing. Visuals? Over the top mirror world (read: actually kinda fun at times). Everything about this films screams “for the love of God do not release me to theaters.” Oohhhhh, but they did. This hits some top marks and will be on some short lists at the end of the year. This has a lot going for it, but I especially like how nice it is as an example of how lore can go bad (in this case a desperate attempt to make their own Jason/Freddy/Myers in Kane) and really bury a franchise. It’s no wonder that it took decades for them to revive the property because the Kane stink must have been strong. Who wants to grapple with all that jazz? Gotta wait and just reboot the original, which is exactly what happened.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m gonna plant my flag right now on the question that has been eating at all the Poltergeist III heads out there for decades: Scott (the real hero of the film) is not dead. He definitely popped out somewhere else when Kane was defeated. How do I know? Carol Anne was the prize, that’s why. Kane probably didn’t even want Scott. What would he need to take Scott over to the Other Side? He’s a loser with bad style. That’s not mean, it’s just the truth. He uses him for his mirror magic and them pooped him out somewhere and probably Scott was like “actually can I come to the other side with you, Mr. Kane, sir?” and Kane was like “No.” Hot Take Temperature: Perfect Stranger.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Poltergeist III? More like Poltergeist: Tower. Gremlins, Poltergeist … why didn’t we see more horror films going for the tower sequel? Let’s go!

I did genuinely like the setting of this film. I’m not joking: why aren’t there more horror films in towers / films in towers in general. Then again, Skyscraper was the dumbest movie I’ve ever seen so …
The acting in this movie is dire. I think it exposed a few things. First, that JoBeth Williams and Craig T. Nelson are very good actors who were too good for the schlock being dished out in the Poltergeist sequels. Second, that as good as Heather O’Rourke was in the original Poltergeist she ultimately was a child actor, and the more you asked of her the more dicey things got. And finally, that the fringe players (like Zelda Rubinstein, woof!) even in the original series weren’t very good, but you only noticed it once the main actors and material got bad enough.
Again, and I can’t stress this enough, this is one of the most poorly acted films I’ve ever seen. It is laughable. How much that is “bad material begets bad performances”, I don’t know.
But, the exception is Lara Flynn Boyle, who is actually solid in her debut, so I don’t think the material is entirely to blame. They just cast the film weirdly. There is a reason that none of the other teenage actors and (especially) the psychiatrist really acted in anything even close to the level of this film.
The film isn’t scary.
Some of the effects were pretty good though. Lara Flynn Boyle coming out of the crumbling Zelda Rubinstein model was actually quite cool. And while very obvious as to how it was done (and sometimes … it wasn’t done very well) the mirror motif and effects were at least fun.
There really isn’t a lot to the film, but the whole idea of all this stuff being some hallucination caused by child genius Carol Anne is absurd.
They say the name “Carol Anne” a billion times, and yeah, it is pretty funny. It is mostly funny when Zelda Rubinstein does it because she does it over and over in some scenes. Most of the other occurrences are just Kane whispering sinisterly.
Plot Hole Alert!! So … what happened to Scott? You see that he is maybe his mirror image, and him and mirror image Lara Flynn Boyle go back into the mirror. But at the end only Lara Flynn Boyle is saved from the mirror universe. So was Scott killed?
Because this is actually important. As crazy as it sounds the body count for the entirety of the Poltergeist series is either one (Dr. Seaton who is certainly killed by mirror image Lara Flynn Boyle by being pushed down an elevator shaft), or two if Scott indeed died. But it is almost impossible to tell.
Setting as a Character (Where?) for Chicago, set in a new skyscraper there. And MacGuffin (Why?) for Carol Anne as usual for the Poltergeist series. It isn’t really a twist in the end, because didn’t we all know that Kane just wanted to be guided to the afterlife? Seemed obvious. So incredibly BMT it is hard to articulate, the film is absurdly bad in multiple ways.

Read all about the ultimate sequel Poltergeist III: Part 2: The Mirror in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Poltergeist II: The Other Side Recap

Jamie

Seeing as Poltergeist III is a Daddio Special (a film that aired on September 1st, 1990) and Poltergeist II got dangerously close to a Twin Special (airing on October 3rd, 1991) I think I’ll just hop on over to October 9th, 1991 and see what we could have watched just six days after Poltergeist II for the Twin Special Celebration Spectacular. The answer seems obvious. Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood is not-so-secretly my favorite of the franchise and seems like a nice pairing with Poltergeist II which is… not my favorite Poltergeist film (spoiler alert). I have to admit it’s kind of hard to pass up The Sicilian, a Michael Cimino flop starring BMT fave Christopher Lambert and I have to shine a light on the short listings description written for past BMT film Shanghai Surprise: “Flat, watery egg-drop soup. Two at sea, by land.” Give The Times a god damn Pulitzer. It’s like a poem.

To recap, the Freelings are back, Jack! And now they’re sad! After the ghostly events of the first film, the family has moved into Diane’s mother’s house. They are poor because their house disappeared into nothing and the insurance company doesn’t cover that. Despite that (and the grandma who is all like “I know why you have ghosts. It’s because we’re ghost people.”) they are doing OK. That is until a creepy old-timey pastor comes stalking about looking for Carol Anne. Turns out there is a very detailed explanation for all the events of the first film (great!) that also doesn’t make much sense in the context of the first film (less great!). Basically this ghost pastor, Kane, was a crazy cult leader who went into the caves beneath the family’s house and killed themselves… so forget all that cemetery mumbo jumbo we told you about before. Grandma dies and everyone is sad and things are looking dire cause Kane is growing stronger. Thankfully a Native American shaman, Taylor, shows up to whip them into poltergeist battling shape. They seem to be doing OK until Taylor leaves. Kane shows up and they barely escape with their lives. They decide to battle Kane where he lives so they go to the caves and all get warped into the other side. From there it. Gets. Crazy. Like psychedelic bullshit. Almost unbelievable that there was a moment where you could sit in a theater and watch it with a bunch of people. It’s that ridiculous. Anyway, Craig T. Nelson gets thrown a spear by Taylor and he kills Kane with it. Carol Anne almost slips into the afterlife but good ol’ grandma shows up and is like “don’t worry ‘bout it.” THE END.

I think this entry in the series is specifically hurt by being the sequel to the much better Poltergeist. Some really good special effects (even nominated for an Oscar, which is something considering the reviews for the film itself) and a totally bonkers ending would have done quite well in the first of a lower budget series. Like a Wishmaster or Pumpkinhead. You could have imagined it garnering a loyal cult following in that context. But that’s hard to do when you are rehashing and rearranging aspects of a first (better) movie. So if you want to see a mediocre to slightly below average horror film with some wild and crazy stuff mixed in, then you just might be in the cult of Poltergeist II and you can refer to it as The Other Side and never compare it to the first one.

Hot Take Clam Bake! The lore in this film is actually better than the original. The first film is all about how the neighborhood they live in was built on top of a cemetery. They moved the headstones but not the bodies. I don’t get it though because they specifically go out of their way to say that the neighborhood allows you to do whatever you want on your property and our main characters are actively in the process of building a pool. So… where are all these bodies they should be digging up? Am I missing something? At the end we see them all up in that pool and popping out of the ground. So where were they before and why did it only impact the Freelings’ house? It really doesn’t make sense. Kane’s death cult burying themselves alive under the house and being activated by the family’s hereditary supernatural abilities somehow is the better explanation. So there you have it. Poltergeist II is the better movie. Hot Take Temperature: Swimming Pool.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Poltergeist II: The Other Side? More like Polter-gross Boo: Run and Hide. I mean … long title that kind of works. I should have just left it at Polter-gross Boo though. That’s killer. Let’s go!

The main thing this film has going for it is that it still has JoBeth Williams and Craig T. Nelson, who both continue to be great despite the decidedly sillier premise of the sequel.
It is a little shocking that even though they lampshaded the “Indian burial ground” explanation in the first film they … kind of do it for the second? They basically suggest that the bad guy, Kane, was a preacher who was butting heads with the local native people prior to him killing himself and his flock. It is much closer, an odd choice.
Taylor is fine in the film, but again, I just wish they hadn’t gone in the direction they did with the film with Kane.
I should probably get into Kane. Kane is to Poltergeist II and Jason is to Friday the 13th: Part II. He’s an attempt to tack from a defeated enemy of a hit horror film to something a bit more sustainable for a franchise. But yet, Kane is never ever discussed in the terms of horror villains. It is bizarre. Kane is, due to the sequels, inexorably a giant part of the franchise. And yet, you only vaguely hear about “They’re heeeeeeeeeere” and the vague notion of a house built on a cemetery. Nothing about Kane.
He’s an odd character. Honestly, he would have been a good character if he was hinted at at all in the first film.
Isn’t that the problem? The first film has a beautiful explanation that is tied up in the corporate greed of the time (“You moved the tombstones, but you didn’t move the bodies! Didn’t you!?”). They seem to indicate that there is kind of collective of lost souls on the other side which is tempting Carol Anne, which JoBeth Williams has to combat. I don’t know, the beauty of an explanation being unnecessary is a huge part of the charm of the film.
The second one, suddenly the house is built on top of a cemetery which is built on top of a chamber where a cult killed themselves? Now there is a preacher ghost named Kane who is obsessed with Carol Anne? Native Americans are tied up into the story? The film isn’t really that bad, but it isn’t good either.
As far as effects, some are quite good. I thought the braces monster was interesting, and a few of the larger effects as well. A lot is made of the vomit monster, but that was the least impressive to me. Clearly a triple or quadruple amputee in a costume. If they had went stop motion / reversing for some of the build up of the creature (a la Hellraiser) then it would be more impressive.
I guess I’ll throw half a review for the first film here: Loved it. The ability of Spielberg to get performances of very young actors is second to none. And for a film with a grand total of zero deaths, Poltergeist is funny in all the right places, and tense in all the right places, and surprising and unique, etc. I really liked it.
I think this qualifies for a Setting as a Character (Where?) for California. And honestly, I think Carol Anne is the living embodiment of the reverse MacGuffin (Why?) which I’ve just coined. It is basically the thing in a horror film where there is no explanation as to why the villains desperately want the person or thing, but boy golly do they want Carol Anne. This is probably closest to Good if I’m being honest, it still has enough of the original’s charm to coast on it, and some good special effects.

Read about the sequel Poltergeist III: Part 1: The Cult in the Quiz. Cheerios,

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