Category: Recap

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas Recap

Jamie

There are a few films that will forever be linked in my mind with the beginning of BMT. Films that seem to come up every once in a while as an option but somehow never get picked. Always the BMTsmaid and never the BMT. The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas is one of those. It’s abundantly clear why that is. Viva Rock Vegas doesn’t feel like a BMT qualifying film. It feels like it should have been shuttled to video release. It has Stephen Baldwin as Barney. It is a prequel about Fred meeting Wilma. It sounds horrible. It’s also a kids movie so for large swaths of BMT history it would have essentially been barred (by what is basically the Dudley Do-Right Rule). Anyway, we’ve slowly been working through these classic BMT forever films. The Loft was one of them (what a joy). So was The Darkest Hour (the other one). One that still remains is Push from 2009… a movie no one remembered and yet I can never forget.

To recap, Fred and Barney are young. Betty and Wilma are young, too. Fun! Wilma is tired of her controlling rich mom and runs away to bedrock where she befriends Betty. Soon they are serving up food to the young, hungry bachelors Fred and Barney. Barney is into Wilma and Fred is into Betty (wha-wha-wha?) but after a date at the amusement park things are sorted how we expect (phew). After meeting Wilma’s disapproving mother and the man she wishes Wilma would marry, Chip, Fred chickens out of proposing. But Wilma’s dad is just happy Wilma is happy and gives her an expensive pearl necklace. Chip apologizes for being rude and invites them out to his casino in Rock Vegas. Fred sees it as an opportunity to gamble his way to a fortune Wilma could be proud of. Chip sees it as a way to get Fred to lose a bunch of money so he can get Wilma back and pay off the mob with her fortune. The plan works pretty much perfectly. The only thing Chip didn’t plan on was The Great Gazoo. Did I not mention him? He’s a green alien that follows Fred and Barney around and helps them (sort of). After Fred and Barney are framed for stealing the necklace from Wilma (and lose their gals in the process) Gazoo lets them in on Chip’s scheme. They escape and ultimately profess their love for their gals and Wilma is like “get out of here Chip,” and smooches Fred… hard. THE END.

Somehow Fred is the weak link of a film that features Stephen Baldwin. In fact I found almost all the casting to be totally confounding, which again speaks to the straight-to-video nature of this film. The only people coming out OK are Krakowski and somehow Alan Cumming as Gazoo and that’s only because that entire storyline appears to have time travelled from the future of Adult Swim and directly into this film. It’s so insane that I respect whoever had the keys to the car on this guy being like “fuck it, keep on doing whatever that is.” All that being said, I found this movie to be more weird than necessarily bad. It ended up being a B version of the first film rather than the Z version I was expecting. But boy, everyone seems to make the craziest plot choices when confronted with the tall order of making a live action Flintstones film.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Where’s Gazoo go? It’s the question that’s on everyone’s mind after watching the two Flintstones films back-to-back. Here he is helping foil the dastardly plot. Where was he later on when Fred was dealing with Cliff? You might be thinking “he’s an alien, he probably went home.” You’d be wrong. He ain’t no alien. Gazoo is a friend, first and foremost. That’s why I suspect foul play. So who killed Gazoo? I suspect Fred. Then again he’s always getting framed for crimes like this so it’s perhaps a Chip or Cliff type character we have yet to meet. Crag… is Crag a character from the show? Probably. Hot Take Temperature: Mick Jagged

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me sliding down a dinosaur’s back, slipping off, and slamming face first directly into a huge pile of dinosaur shit* Let’s go!

Oh boy … I mean, the good, I think both of the lead women are quite good, especially Jane Krakowski who is like … it is a little overboard how attractive she is as Betty, but that isn’t here nor there (I insist, it is neither here nor there!). Stephen Baldwin is kind of okay as well, although it is very distracting to see Stephen Baldwin in a movie like this.

The bad is literally everything else. It all looks much worse, Fred is much worse, the story is all over the place, Gazoo is an insane addition to the storyline, and Rock Vegas is a shockingly small piece to the entire film. It is worse in every way, and in most cases it is much much worse.

The movie I think is just on the wrong side of sad and bad to be BMT. It is a lunatic film, that’s for sure. Gazoo is basically tacked onto a not-Flintstones story. But it is just too boring to work. Nothing super memorable about it in the end.

A long time ago I thought to myself: I wonder if I can figure out the colors featured on a poster in a consistent way. The answer was, in many ways, no. I am a little too perfectionist to allow some of the odd edge cases to survive in what would have been a huge uneditable blob of data. With AI though … well, with AI it is pretty difficult to generate a huge blob of data without spending a ton. But at least I can blame the AI when it gets shit wrong. I asked for the top three colors, the primary color, and two featured colors on the IMDb poster. The response was:

Primary Color: #23277C (Dark blue)

Featured Color: #EF4138 (Red)

Featured Color: #F58903 (Orange)

Kind of nails it. The blue is the sky, which is basically the background. The red is the car. And the orange is Dunes, Sands, the other hotel, and Fred’s shirt roughly. In a way the analysis is just like: this poster is ugly. Now, would I agree that this is a “blue” poster? No. I don’t think so. Unfortunately the AI mostly defaults to a majority rule and can’t emulate “Patrick’s Brain” level of intellect in determining that this poster is, in fact, multi-colored. Too bad.

I’m making up a Completely Ridiculous Side Character (Who?) for the Great Gazoo who is mainly in this movie for no reason whatsoever. Again a great Promotional Tie-In (What?) for a direct Burger King toy tie-in complete with Bronto King burger joint features in the movie. This is an A+ Fictional Setting as a Character (Where?) for Rock Vegas. This movie is genuinely bad and quite sad because both of the main actors just pale in comparison to the 1994 original, which is too bad.

Read all about long awaited sequels (maybe?) in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Flintstones Recap

Jamie

What a combo. The Flintstones and The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas. I’ll save what sets Viva Rock Vegas (or TFiVRV as the kids call it) apart in BMT history, but The Flintstones is more just personal history. It came out at kind of the perfect time. Did I know what The Flintstones was as a kid? Somehow, yes. That and The Jetsons had maintained a presence in the culture far past the 60’s when it aired. I remember watching episodes on TV… that seems crazy now. I don’t even know what the equivalent would be. Maybe kids throwing on some 90210 or something? I don’t know, but when the movie came out it was a big thing. Do you want to know what the emotional feeling I connect with The Flintstones movie is? Sadness… that tells you something about where they might have erred. I just remember the plot being very sad. 

To recap, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble are best buds. They work at Slate & Co. together and when Barney needs some money so he and his wife Betty can adopt a child, there is no question he and Wilma will help out. Thus we get the whole gang together as Bamm-Bamm joins the fray and becomes best friends with Fred’s daughter Pebbles. Meanwhile at Slate & Co., Cliff Vandercave and his secretary Sharon Stone (nice) plan to swindle the company out of money, all they need is someone to pin it on. To find this person they hold an aptitude test for a promotion. Fred freezes with anxiety and Barney, feeling indebted to Fred, switches his test with Fred’s. Ultimately, Fred finds out he had the highest score (wait, what?!) and get the promotion. Unfortunately Barney gets fired for having the worst score. Soon things start to really fall apart. Barney moves in with them for the money, but the snobbiness of Fred with his newfound wealth grates on them. Meanwhile Fred, being a dope, does everything Sharon asks and soon has fired half the workforce. When confronted by Barney, and it being revealed that Barney switched the tests, everyone is at each other’s throats. Fred tries to reveal Cliff’s treachery but the crime is pinned on him. Obviously this leads to a hilarious scene where the fired workers catch Fred and Barney and try to lynch them (stop! My sides are splitting!). Fortunately Betty and Wilma arrive and Fred’s dictabird saves them. Cliff, aware of the dictabird, kidnaps the kids and offers an exchange. In the scuffle Fred and Barney inadvertently invent concrete and Cliff is killed (naturally). In the end they all get their jobs back and we return to status quo. THE END.

My memory of this was not incorrect. Barney switching the tests and then having his life fall apart is kinda sad (this was the thing I remembered the most). The crux of the plot being a scheme that results in Fred having to fire all of his friends is kinda sad. Barney and Betty becoming indebted to Fred because they need money to adopt a kid is kinda sad. Fred becoming the scapegoat and everyone chasing him and threatening to lynch him is quite literally the worst idea I’ve ever seen in a children’s movie. Who in the world thought that was a good idea. It makes me sad to think that no one stopped that from happening. Children are being kidnapped. People are being killed by having concrete poured on them. It’s all just saddo stuff for saddos. Anyway, besides all the decisions about what this film would be about, this film is hilariously gorgeous. It looks so good. Unbelievable set design and puppetry and costumes. A great big saddo beautiful mess of a movie. I love looking at this movie, just not watching it.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Is it wrong of me to kind of think that Barney still had the worst test and Fred had the best somehow? Evidence against: Fred literally freezes and we see that he thinks he did terribly. Evidence for: Barney is dumb. Evidence for: Why would the bad guys use an aptitude test to find the smartest person to then prop up as their scapegoat? Don’t they need the dumbest person so that he would not look closely at what they were up to? And wouldn’t they fire the smartest person to make sure he couldn’t get in the way? I don’t care if there is some explanation given for this in the film and I’ve just forgotten, I don’t buy it. So did Fred still get the highest score (because the rest of the employees are literal cavemen) and Barney, by switching the tests, inadvertently save the day? Hot Take Temperature: The Ice Age.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me sliding down a dinosaur’s back and screaming Yabba Dabba Do!* Let’s go!

I’m with Ebert on this one: The is a good movie. In a way you can tie this directly into the bizarre Altman Popeye and just shrug your shoulders and go “they don’t make them like they used to.” The casting is perfect, the sets are incredible, it really it what it used to be to go to the movies. This is a genuine good movie. Well …

The only bad thing is the story. It is like they took a wildly different movie and supplanted the story directly into a Flintstones cartoon. In a way that jives a bit with the often rather odd parodies of sitcoms / other television programs that things like Flintstones was. But really, wouldn’t the film have been better if it was all about Fred trying to learn how to be there for his friend going through a tough adoption after Fred, say, wins the lottery? You get essentially the same story without having to have a nuts B-story that kids don’t care about.

Good. This movie is good and it is a travesty that it will forever be in the records as a BMT film.

I’ve been messing around with Google AI Studio a bit. It’s fine, I’m mostly trying to work out the best way to use it to generate data sets of data that would be otherwise quite difficult to arduous to gather. For now that is focusing on posters. In the meantime I figured I might as well mess around and see what else could be interesting. Here is the result in asking it to guess at the plot based solely on the poster:

The movie likely centers around the everyday life and comedic adventures of the Flintstone and Rubble families in the prehistoric town of Bedrock. It suggests a lighthearted, family-oriented film where the characters will navigate typical domestic situations and humorous challenges while embracing the unique aspects of their stone-age environment. Given the prominence of the characters riding together in their stone-age car, there might be a road trip or adventure that takes them beyond their usual surroundings. The use of Fred’s catchphrase “Yabba-Dabba-Doo!” implies a feel-good narrative filled with silly situations and light-hearted fun. Overall, I’d expect a story that’s more about the characters and their relationships within a wacky and whimsical prehistoric setting than a complex or serious plot.

… I have no words as to how banal that is. But there is an interesting bit in all that slop: “[T]here might be a road trip or adventure that takes them beyond their usual surroundings.” Interesting and astute observation AI Slop Machine. This movie is not, in fact, a road trip film, but what an understandable mistake that could be. Possibly a question I could ask an AI would be something like “Based on this poster, do you think this film is a road trip film?” to generate well … off-kilter keywords I suppose. I’ll keep the AI analyses to a shorter section in the future.

I’m sure there was plenty of Product Placement in the film, but I’m going to highlight an incredible Movie Tie-In (What?) for the RocDonald’s tie-in which is still rather famous, mainly for the fact that for the movie McDonald’s reintroduced the McRib nationwide! Crazy. Obvious Fictional Setting as a Character (Where?) for the town of Bedrock. And sure, a Period Piece LOL (When?) for prehistory I suppose. There is a very weird MacGuffin (Why?) throughout the film where Fred is signing off on bogus spending authorizations in a very noir-ish story. I think this movie is a bonafide Good movie.

Read all about … cavemen? I don’t know. Read about something in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Indecent Proposal Recap

Jamie

Given the state of erotic thrillers I presume at some point we will burn through them all (at least the major releases) and be considered some kind of experts. Putting on my glasses (as I do before watching any erotic thriller… for science) I think the key to a successful erotic thriller is this: an attractive man who also can come across a little smarmy to stand opposite your extremely hot lady. Redford is interesting in that role because I don’t know if he’d think he was coming off smarmy, but obviously in this film as he throws around money and buys up real estate trying to have sex with Demi Moore it comes off as strange and off putting. He’s no Michael Douglas, but he’s closer than he thinks. I only note this because along these lines Wild Orchid fails… note that I said the man has to be a “little” smarmy… just a little. Hear that Mr. Rourke?

To recap, Diana and David are IN LOVE. He’s an architect and she’s a real estate agent, but a downturn in the housing market (exciting) leaves them teetering on the edge of losing their unfinished dream house. They head to Vegas where they risk it all and win!… and then like a couple of dummies also lose it all. A charming(ish?) super rich dude, John Gage, takes a liking to Diana and after a whirlwind night of being his good luck charm at craps and getting their stay paid for he offers them a proposal. And let me tell you, this proposal is not decent. He wants to sleep with Diana (gasp). David is like “No!” Diana is like “Wellll.” Ultimately they draw up a contract and off she goes. Returning home a million dollars richer they find that Gage did a totally normal thing and bought their dream house from under them. Ultimately this leads to their life falling apart. Gage returns to the scene and pursues a real relationship with Diana. She’s like “No!” but eventually is like “Wellllll…” Now David falls apart alone. After hitting rock bottom he finds his bootstraps there keeping him company. He decides to pull himself up by them and becomes a teacher. Eventually he finds Gage and Diana at a zoo benefit and donates the whole one million dollars to the charity (are you insane?! Build the house!) and agrees to a divorce. Diana is like “Yes!” but eventually is like “Welllll…” and knowing that he’s lost her, Gage makes up a story about being real smarmy (you know, cause he’s not actually smarmy) and Diana gratefully accepts, rushes to be with David, and they smooch hard by the ocean. THE END.

I liked this. Despite all the parts of it that sounds gross and terrible and creepy, it really is a straight romance about David and Diana being in love, hitting a rough patch, and then having a crazy journey back to realizing that they are meant to be together. It feels like critics really turned on this film because the expectation of Indecent Proposal is a thriller or something really crazy like Wild Orchid where it comes off like a cartoon. This doesn’t come off like a cartoon. It comes off like Sabrina, but with someone offering money for sex. So there is this big hullabaloo over the proposal itself, but the content of the film doesn’t deliver on that controversy and it made people angry. Even the controversy itself hasn’t aged well. The film actually has an interesting and arguably progressive view on women’s rights. Like both Gage and David treat Diana like their property. David legally, Gage financially. Diana is like “Nah, I get to choose,” and you can think it’s morally wrong that she would accept money for sex with this rich dude, but in the end she does get to decide. And most importantly she isn’t ruined by that choice.

Hot Take Clam Bake! The moment after the credits roll Diana pulls away from the smooch and is like “you didn’t really give away the money for the hippo, right?” and David is like “Wellll…” So David is in deep shit with her. Divorce is on the table again. What is an architect to do? Aha! He goes to the zoo and is like “I love this hippo I gave a million dollars to, I would like to build it a house.” they are like whatever, it’s your hippo. He builds a house and no one can see the hippo and there is a sign outside that says: “This hippo was bought with a million dollar my wife earned by having sex with John Gage.” Now people want to see that goddamn million dollar hippo. “$10” David says. A year later he’s got that million back and more. Diana is not super thrilled, but at least she got the money she earned. Hot Take Temperature: Wild Orchid.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me trying to convince my wife that erotic thrillers are totally cool and not at all creepy and gross* Let’s go!

Right off the bat: this is a good movie.

And I mean that even outside of Demi Moore at exactly this point in time might be one of the most attractive women ever. Like, the movie is very silly, but also interesting and genuinely good for the most part.

I don’t think it is like … an Oscar film. Harrelson is a weenie throughout the film. Redford is a creep throughout the film. Moore is for the most part a normal human being throughout the film and seems like she just loves Harrelson and will do anything for him and he just goes fucking bananas in a nonsensical way.

Anyways, the good? Redford is good at being a creep. It offers a weird but interesting proposition (that honestly only really works in the 90s) that you would think about. The thing about it in the end is that I think a lot more people in the 2020s would be like: don’t care. If my wife could move past it and it was for like $25 million or something I would do it in a heartbeat. Not me specifically, I just mean that there are a lot more people who would just slam dunk that proposal. They’d probably basically go back for seconds and be like “hey can we have more money?” So the proposal isn’t really indecent by today’s standards. It is more like an Intriguing Proposal.

Also Oliver Platt is incredible in the film. Very funny in a perfectly response-to-the-80s-greed kind of way.

The bad? Harrelson is a total dweeb and goes clinically insane during the film. The most insecure weirdo. This is a trend in 90s films though. Remember Message in a Bottle? Literally, women looking at Kevin Costner barely talking and them being like “oh shit he’s so broken. Is this the sexiest a man can be?” Harrelson is a prototype of that. Like “Oh shit, this guy is the most jealous weird possessive garbage man of all time … yes please, I love you so much, husband material right there”. That is the main issue. 

As far as BMT is concerned, the issue is the film is good! There is no way it gets into BMT because the film is too good. It is entertaining. Demi Moore is devastatingly attractive. Redford is a solid creep. Too good.

I’m going with a kind of Product Placement (What?) for the Thierry Mugler dress that gets all the guys going in the film. Great Setting as a Character (Where?) for Las Vegas where all you nightmares can come true. I actually like this for a Specific Temporal Setting (When?) just for just how late-80s/early-90s recession vibes it gives. Let’s go with a MacGuffin (Why?) for the pursuit of those underwater mortgage payments. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the throwing away the money and meeting on a pier for love ending. This movie is Good though, it is not BMT.

Learn about … lust I guess? In the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Sleepwalkers Recap

Jamie

Usually I like to pretend I’m writing this before I’ve actually seen the movie. But this story is too good. So my mom was at my house helping out for a bit and as happens evening rolls around and I’m like “wanna watch a movie?” She’s like sure, but then says that she doesn’t care what we watch. That’s she’ll “watch anything.” I put that in quotes because it’s important. I ask “are you sure? Because I have this real weird movie I need to watch for BMT.” She assures me that yes… she’ll “watch anything.” Flash forward to the next night as we finish up Sleepwalkers and she’s like out of her mind about how horrible the film is. Talking about how she didn’t even want to finish it but she also couldn’t stop thinking about how horrible it was so she felt she had to finish it to see if it continued to be as terrible as it was. And in the end it perhaps got even more horrible. So that’s where we were with Sleepwalkers. The movie that made my mom realize that she would in fact not “watch anything.” 

To recap, Mary and Charles are mother and son shapeshifting werecats that feed on the energy force of virgins. They arrive in a small Indiana town looking to feed. They are, of course, incestuous and hope and pray to find others of their kind in order to procreate. Meanwhile, the incest (obviously). Attending a local high school, Charles scopes out Tanya with the end goal of feeding his mother. A few people, like his teacher, are suspicious of Charles, but when he confronts him Charles nonchalantly murders him. Meanwhile cats (the only thing that can kill or harm the sleepwalkers) begin to gather as Charles and his mother weaken. Charles attempts to subdue Tanya, but she is able to ward him off. The police arrive and while Charles is able to dispatch them a cat severely injures him. Stumbling back home, Mary is like “Oh no! But the incest!” Knowing that Tanya is the only thing that can help him, Mary storms Tanya’s home and kills her family (one of them by fatal corn cob stabbing… it’s dope).  Mary brings Tanya back to Charles but before he can feed she kills him in his weakened state. The police attempt to help to no avail, but at Mary’s power dims she is attacked by numerous cats and the sleepwalkers are no more. THE END.

No matter what my mom claims, this movie is actually kind of fun and good. If not for the (arguably) unnecessary incest subplot and the unpleasant and brutal attack by Charles on Tanya in the cemetery, I think this film might have a better reputation as a cult film. I hate to leap to conclusions or make bold proclamations about objectively bad movies, but it does appear to me that Stephen King knew exactly what he was doing and making when he wrote this film. He wanted to make an old school exploitation horror film with some interesting special effects. He wanted to make a bad movie and he succeeded. This is a fun bad movie. It’s a hard needle to thread, but I actually think he was able to do it. By the time the corn cob stabbing happened I was all in on the film. One of the best of the year I daresay.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m going to say it. I don’t think they needed to do the incest. They clearly weren’t replenishing the earth with werecats no matter how hard they tried. So I think they could have probably cut it out and just, you know, maybe took a regular beau every once in a while and just… maybe… I don’t know, tried it out for a hot second. Maybe regular old sex would have felt fine. Maybe you didn’t need to do the incest. Hot Take Temperature: Steamy regular old sex.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of my mother talk about how much she hates this film and how gross it was and how she can’t believe we were watching it* Let’s go!

I’ve mentioned on multiple occasions that I don’t like horror films very much because I get so spooky scared. That doesn’t really have anything to do with this movie (I never thought this would be spooky scary, just silly). It has more to do with Stephen King and how I never really read his books because I thought they would be spooky scary. But turns out … books aren’t spooky scary. So I’ve read a bunch of Stephen King as an adult. I like his stuff. So getting around to Sleepwalkers is always enticing.

The good? Uh, I like practical effects. That’s nice. I like how silly it is as well. It is very very heightened and silly at times. The end bit is so crazy it finally gets around to being as wild and crazy as the premise suggests. I also like the idea of energy vampires in a way. They are something I’ve heard of, but they are done so rarely it is interesting to see them in the wild.

The bad? Well, the film looks like absolute garbage. For real, as good as practical effects are, when they are bad they are really really bad and this one is bad. The premise is so silly it feels like a comedy, but it isn’t funny. And then the film just turns on a dime. All of a sudden the main character is committing sexual assault in a graveyard and Stephen King cameos and the the movie kind of explodes.

The main issue is the film seems to be barely there for most of its runtime. It isn’t necessarily dull, but it is also a bit too weird and self-aware to be amusing for most of it. The end it fun, but even then, the corn cob murder seems more like it belongs in a horror comedy rather than what seems like a genuine horror film.

Regardless, the level of antipathy this film has towards this film will always make me smile.

Oh, also this film makes you wonder “how wasn’t Mädchen Amick the most famous 90s actress?” She was solid in Twin Peaks, and is fine in this, but her career never really took off. Kind of odd.

Anyways, a real deal Setting as a Character (Where?) for the small town of Travis, Indiana, a fun Indiana film at least. That’s it. I think this film is Bad, mainly for being poorly made and dull more than fun, which I think is about what I would have expected.

Learn about … cats? Maybe, about cats. In the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Assassins Recap

Jamie

I’m trying to think whether I would have said this story before… it’s possible. Let’s find out together. So back in the day there would have been occasional family trips to NYC. We’d see the sights and sounds and family. Have a frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity. Have a fancy dinner we couldn’t have at home like French or Sushi. And usually we’d go see a movie. Because of the age ranges we would usually split. Older going to a more mature film and younger to sillier stuff. Assassins was one of those “for mature audiences only” choices that we didn’t get to go to. But I recall hearing about how someone shoots someone with a gun concealed in a cast. Which is how I always thought of the movie. People with broken arms shooting at people. Anyway, it’s pretty much impossible for us to know exactly what we got to partake in, but judging from what was out the best guess is The Big Green. Classic.

To recap, Assassins! Sly Stallone is our titular “hero.” He talks to his computer who tells him who to kill for cash money. He is starting to get all philosophical about it as a Stallone is wont to do, haunted by the memory of killing his mentor. But he can’t retire yet… because of the money. Anyway, on his latest job a young upstart hitman swoops in for the kill. Stallone’s like “boo,” and starts to chase this mysterious Bain. While doing this he is given a new job: kill Electra and retrieve a disc of data she stole. When he arrives at the location where Electra is selling the disc he finds that she (she?!) has set up an elaborate system to evade capture and that Bain is there. Before Bain can get to them Stallone makes a decision to spare her. He ends up trying to exchange the disc for even more money (given the presence of Bain at the same hit) and survives a second hit set up by his contact. This really peeves him off. He’s like “now even more money” and sets it up to be an exchange at the very Puerto Rican bank where he killed his mentor. Bain is sent to kill Stallone, but ultimately Stallone sets a trap and after a battle he wins. But wait, a twist! His mentor didn’t die after all! He was wearing a bulletproof vest when Stallone shot him! (What a twist!). He means to kill Stallone and Bain, but before he does they both shoot him for real this time. Then Bain tries to cross Stallone, but he’s like “nope” and kills him too. Victorious, Stallone and Electra smooch hard (probably, we don’t see that part). THE END.

This movie is dumb as rocks. Not to get too deep in the Banderas mythology, but it does feel like a precursor to Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever. Exchange all sense of reality for total assassin nonsense. We have assassins rankings like it’s the tennis tour or something and Bain wants to take the top spot. What? Stallone is the best of all time and yet somehow his mentor wears a bulletproof vest and is able to survive a hit… didn’t want to double check that guy? But Megadumb also does often mean Megafun and there is quite a bit of fun to be had here. Basically none of it involves Stallone, who is full on in his Get Carter mumbly sad phase at this point. Sure the man has some muscles, but he also has a heart and it’s just not in killing people any more. Enough! You are an assassin. I want full on Banderas gif mode here. Banderas tears the scenery apart and it makes the movie. Thank god he was there or it would have been a tragedy.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Stallone simply is not the best assassin in the world. Just cannot be. First of all he doesn’t like doing it and as we all know, to be the best you gotta love it. You aren’t going to take the NBA by storm if you don’t have that fire. Stallone doesn’t anymore and would have been supplanted well before Bain showed up. Second, he let his mentor live. You shot him in the chest from a distance and just walked away? Didn’t care to shoot him in the head like the real top hitman would have? This is a dude who taught you everything. One of the best. Don’t want to maybe hang around and see the body? Just gonna presume he died and then be real sad about it for years? What is this amateur hour? Hot Take Temperature: Puerto Rico.

Patrick? 

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me looking at a computer with Assassins playing and then turning and biting my fist in pure satisfaction* Let’s go!

My god, there is nothing like a Stallone film for BMT. They are always so silly and hilarious. It really is too bad we are almost done with them. Like … I’m not joking. By early 2025 we’ll have watched 25 of his films and we’ll only have Ratchet & Clank left. There will be a Stallone Day in 2026 so I guess we’ll be watching Ratchet & Clank then … hopefully A Working Man will be out and terrible by then.

As Jamie said we have a weirdly long and stories history with this film. It was the film I wished we could have watched with out brothers. And then for years I never bothered by always kind of imagined what it must be about. The actual film is a lot different than I thought. I figured it was just two assassins sent after each other to kill each other and super action packed. It is definitely not the second.

The good? I like understated Sly, and Banderas is on one in this. Actually, you have to make up a new word to describe what he is in this film. It goes well beyond just being “on one”. It is hilarious, a bizarre, and crazy, and honestly I loved the performance even if I know it is actually like … bad acting. So the acting is the fun bit of the film for the most part.

The bad? Well, the story is nonsense. And the choice in directing is just on the wrong side of weird. Like it is weird to have the big climax set piece being Sly boring Antonio Banderes to death by just waiting around for hours and hours and hours doing nothing and trying to get him to fall asleep. That’s a nuts choice.

Luckily the whole film is saved by Banderas. The gif of him biting his fist and looking delightedly from his computer screen will live on in BMT lore. It might be the first film to make the BMT Hall of Fame on the power of a gif alone.

Oh didn’t I mention Julianne Moore … huh, yeah her bit was weird. What was this movie about again? Like a hacker hacked some stuff and then a bad guy sent some assassins after her and … the hacker thing was for money or something. I legit can’t remember. It genuinely is not at all important.

I do love the Setting as a Character (Where?) for the climax which takes place in the very distinct Old Town of Puerto Rico. And there is a genuine MacGuffin (Why?) for the hacker hard drive that everyone wants to get their hands on. And a definite Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that the guy Sly killed years ago never died and he was actually playing a 15 year long long con to get back and him or something. BMT through and through, but only because of Banderas, I’m going to make a Banderas Cut of this film which is just the Banderas scenes.

Learn all about famous Assassins I assume in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Celtic Pride Recap

Jamie

I always try to start these with an anecdote. Here Patrick is trying to steal my thunder. I am undeterred. On occasion you will see the question posed on Reddit or somesuch about a quote that you and your friends (in this case, my best friend Patrick awwww) use that is wildly obscure, but somehow entered your lexicon. One very common answer for us would be the quote “That’s nice, Peanut,” likely used to denigrate something that someone was excited about, but you are not as enthused by. An example would be the latest and greatest feats of your fantasy football team. Guess what? My team scored 200 points last week. “That’s nice, Peanut.” Translation: sounds nice for you, but really I’m not listening because I do not care. Forever we would have attributed this quote to Jury Duty. Peanut is the name of the dog in Jury Duty… now how this quote would be used given the context that “Peanut” is a dog… no idea. It just always was the connection made. What a shock to find the quote actually came from Celtic Pride. Life changing.

To recap, Jimmy and Mike are lifelong Celtics fans and season ticket holders. They are the pride of the section they inhabit and just when the glorious Boston Garden is about to be demolished it appears like their hard work will finally pay off in one more championship. Up 3-2 it appears to be a lock. However, as their superstitions go awry and the Utah Jazz superstar Lewis Scott gets hot, they lose and set up a deciding game 7. Later on they happen upon Scott at a nightclub and have a brilliant idea: get him so drunk that he’s hungover for the game. Unfortunately they also get blotto and wake up having drunkenly kidnapped him. Both terrified of the consequences of having done this and kinda into the idea of keeping him captive until after the game, they decide to go through with their drunken actions. Given that they are real dumb and losers, Scott is able to turn them against each other and eventually subdue them after a game of pickup basketball. Scott makes them a deal: they better root for the Jazz to win or he’ll turn them in to the authorities. Having reconciled with their families about the likelihood that they will end up in prison, they attend the game and root hard for the Jazz under the guise of a reverse jinx. However, as the Celtics take the lead they give Scott a real pep talk about teamwork and he leads the Jazz back to within a basket. In the end he makes the unselfish play and Jimmy and Mike celebrate the championship with him. Ultimately he makes sure they don’t go to jail. We end with them kidnapping Deion Sanders. THE END.

Alright, so this movie is actually a lot funnier than its reputation would lead you to believe. Akyroyd is far from my favorite actor, but this is one of the better roles I’ve seen him in. Daniel Stern on the other hand is good without any qualifiers. The range of emotions he puts on for this silly movie is impressive. Somehow this kind of ended his mainstream career that had taken off with Home Alone. I don’t know why. He’s good. He’s funny. They couldn’t find an actually good movie for him to be in? Weird. Damon Wayans is a bit raw, but it might be the material. The biggest problem with the film is the plot itself. We have a couple of white Boston superfans kidnapping the “showboating” and “selfish” black athlete. It’s not a good look… like at all. Add in some weird and wild 90’s gay panic jokes that land like a thud and you can see that to be truly resurrected as a cult hit the film would need a nice polishing to buff out the various scratches. Makes it very hard to actually like our main characters. Oh and there’s a scene where Akyroyd hits a half court shot during the game that has no purpose. I do believe there was a purpose to the scene that was edited out for time and so my mind can’t comprehend how the half court shot remained in the film. It is simply not a comedic scene and has no purpose.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Let’s get down to it. Why we’re all here: the truth. The truth is that the Celtics should have won the championship in this movie. It bothered me as a kid. It bothers me even more now. And not because I’m a Celtics fan. I swear. It just works better with the storyline. Hear me out. What if everything in the movie happens. We see the Jazz go down big. We see our main characters give the pep talk to Scott. We see him realize that he has to be unselfish and he helps them take the lead with seconds remaining with a well-timed pass to his teammate. Then we see that he has to guard the Celtic’s best player who makes a move and Scott is just not good enough defensively to stop him and the Celtics win. Our main characters are devastated. They are going to jail, but also it was beautiful basketball. They approach Scott who admits that they were right and he’s not going to turn them in. Instead he’s going to make them pay by crushing the Celtics next year. Flash forward to the Jazz having swept the C’s and Scott thanks his two biggest fans, Jimmy and Mike, who look miserable. That’s better, right? RIGHT?! Hot Take Temperature: He’s On Fire!

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! We talking about pride in my Celtics? That’s nice, Peanut. Let’s go!

Oh man, I’ve seen this film a few times when I was a kid. Which is weird because it wasn’t on TV in the 90s. I think I watched it once on video in the late 90s and then a few times in the very early 2000s. Honestly … loved it.

I’m sure Jamie mentioned it, but amusingly we thought the quote “That’s nice, Peanut” was from Jury Duty starring Pauly Shore for years. Because his dog is named Peanut (naturally). It isn’t. It is from this movie. Dan Aykroyd is talking to his grandmother and explaining how he is probably going to jail, and her response is: “That’s nice, Peanut.” Feels good after all these years to get that right.

And I will say, the film’s timeline is all kinds of fucked. Because they had to film it between when the Celtics vacated the old Garden and before it was destroyed, it meant the filming occurred in the late autumn into the fall. This means that everyone is wearing jackets and you can see everyone’s breath while running around outside. This, of course, is actually supposed to be June in Boston and it would never (ever) be cold enough to see your breath. So the entire thing is kind of surreal because the movie feels like it takes place in the winter, but actually it is supposed to be the summer. Just a very strange choice in filmmaking necessitated by the fact that there was simply one place and time the film could be filmed.

I do think the three main actors are quite funny in the film. The material itself is often annoying or depressing, but everyone gets there odd bit to shine. Aykroyd is probably the main over the top hammy performance which could have been toned down.

The movie though just isn’t very funny (it is actually mostly just unpleasant), and the conclusion is not satisfying in a way … as a Celtics fan I mean.

But the movie is a pretty legendarily bad sports film, which is a rare genre it turns out.

Some awesome Product Placement (What?) for Oscar Mayer hot dogs during the commercial challenge. Oh wait, where was this film taking place again? Oh right, Setting as a Character (Where?) it is set in Boston ha ha. Given the timing issues I noticed, it is a pretty funny Exact Date (When?) movie in that you can assume it is set precisely between the 6th and 7th game of the 1996 NBA championships. Actually genuine Good Twist (How?) for the ultimate conclusion that Utah wins which is somewhat unexpected I think. This movie is BMT through and through and obviously also supremely entertaining.

What else can we learn from Celtic Pride? Find out in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Mod Squad Recap

Jamie

It’s hard to explain The Mod Squad. That’s not just because the Wikipedia page admits that “this article needs an improved plot summary” (don’t mind if I do), but because there are only a few moments in time where this movie is made. You need a time when there was a recent TV-to-film success that then begets a spate of attempts to convert that era into $$$. Think about the success of 21 Jump Street that then begets CHiPs and Baywatch. It’s just like that but weirdly in this case it seems like it’s the success of the meta Brady Bunch movie that then produces The Mod Squad. While seemingly totally unrelated, both TV shows come from around the same era (as does The Avengers, Wild Wild West and Mission: Impossible). Unfortunately I don’t think they winked quite enough in this case.

To recap, Julie, Pete and Linc are The Mod Squad. Detective Mothersed is all like “What are you guys, some mod squad?” and he’s right, they are. They are handled by Captain Greer, who loves them even though he wants them to get a handle on their lives and figure out that crime doesn’t pay, but being dope police officers does. For now they are just like extra cool informants that are sent undercover. Their latest gig is a bar where maybe some prostitution or something is going down. Julie finds out that her ex-BF runs the place and they rekindle their relationship. Pete and Linc notice that something shady is going on and ultimately this culminates in them going to a drug sale under a bridge and finding Greer shot. It seems like he’s a dirty cop, but the squad just can’t believe it. Now it’s personal. Julie soon finds out that her BF is a total bad guy (duh) working for some big time drug dealer and Pete also finds that Mothersed and a bunch of other cops are totally in on it (double duh) and framed Greer. This culminates in them trying to take them all down, but getting caught up in the bust. It looks like it’s the end for the Mod Squad. Not so fast! Pete made a recording and totally nails them all. Heroes again! Hooray! THE END.

Aw man. I feel kind of bad for The Mod Squad. It’s lame in a way that makes you feel kind of bad for it (while also acknowledging that at the time I think the style was cool and hip). You see these young actors and they are charismatic and you want it to be OK, but they cannot save this script. And it makes them look bad saying the lines. There are a few good things here and there, but I just can’t believe this is the script they made. The entire twist is airmailed to the point that I started to second guess myself. Like “well that can’t actually be the twist because otherwise this would be the worst script in history” line of thinking. And then they did it. When two-time Academy Award nominee Richard Jenkins comes in and is like “I hate all of you. You suck.” and then 10 minutes later, after The Mod Squad’s handler is killed, he walks in all like “Yo, guys. I’m sooo sorry.” I was like WTF, he’s the bad guy. And I was right. It’s like a script for a bad TV show… wait… What thuuuuuuu.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m gonna say it. I don’t think Julie and Pete are going to last as a couple. What’s that? I never mentioned that in the middle of this film, after Claire Danes has been banging Josh Brolin for days, she turns around and realizes that rich-kid-turned-criminal-turned-annoying-mod-squader Giovanni Ribisi is actually totes her type and they start up a secret romance? This should be in the dictionary under “rebound relationship.” She’s a recovering addict who just got back into it with her bad boy ex-beau and got totally betrayed and here comes Ribisi being like “um, er, I actually kind of like you. Don’t you wanna date a nice guy for once, madam.” and she’s like “yeah, maybe that is what I want.” Spoiler alert for The Mod Squad 2: Even Modder, it’s not what she wants. Hot Take Temperature: Ribisi Snake Dance

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Remember The Mod Squad? You know, that old tv show. Well neither did anyone else. Let’s go!

I’m going to be honest here … I barely remember this movie.

I do remember that Giovanni Ribisi is terrible in it. Like genuinely very bad at acting in it. And that makes it all the more insane that he’s the one that they give the low interest storyline to. Just makes no sense. There was something about films of this era where people seem specifically rather annoying?

And then the mystery is dumb as well. It all seemed rather obvious. Or … well I would except the plot summary on wikipedia is rather sparse and I genuinely am having a very hard time remembering this film. It was Josh Brolin right? Josh Brolin was the bad guy. See, obvious.

As long as I’m right. I’m like 95% sure I’m right.

Anything good about this film? Omar Epps was pretty charming, although the way he hunch-walks around was bizarre … I’m going to chalk that up to poor character choices or a homage to the original show or something. But he’s charming and the bit about his car getting all f-ed up was decent.

I’m going to say this film is so forgettable and boring that it can’t really be BMT, right? This ain’t no Avengers where it is so weird you end up being charmed by it. It is literally just quite dull and unamusing.

It is pretty rare but Setting as a Character (Where?) for Los Angeles here as the entire film appears in a sepia tone to indicate that it is the vague hot desert-y aura of Southern California. And obviously Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that, obviously, Josh Brolin was the bad guy.

What else can we learn about mods? Find out in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Corky Romano Recap

Jamie

“You guys want some cookies?” We’ve been cleaning up a lot of “previously on” BMT type films lately. These are films we saw back when we were youngsters and Corky Romano and its ilk were dominating our personal box offices. SNL was still king. It had crowned Sandler and was delivering unto us Will Ferrell. So why not Chris Kattan? Why not indeed. All these years later the only thing I remember from this particular film was the line I quote at the top. It appears in the trailer and features Kattan in a girl scout uniform… I will be on my deathbed and I will be able to say that line in the exact way that Kattan says it. An indelible part of film history.

To recap, Corky Romano is an (actually good) vet with a penchant for messing things up. He also happens to be the son of a local mob boss and the brother of two psychotic mob enforcers. When a rat within the family is threatening to bring the empire down they only have one thing they can do: bring Corky (up to this point unknown to the FBI) back into the fold and uncover as an agent. His mission is to find the file on the Romano family and destroy it. The only thing standing in his way is the suspicions of his new coworker Brick, his interest in the beautiful Agent Russo, and the fact that he keeps inadvertently helping solve or foil crimes through his bumbling ways. One such case that he is helping with is the Night Vulture, a brutal drug dealer, but I’m not sure why I’m talking about that… I’m sure it has nothing to do with the plot of the film. Anyway, ultimately Corky finds out his father is wanted for murder. When he confronts him about that, he denies it and it’s revealed that their longtime family associate is actually an FBI informant and planted that info. Corky is able to subdue him and also reveal that Brick is the Night Vulture (oh, I see. It was important because… uh… huh, no wait… still not important to the plot of the film). In the end he marries Agent Russo and goes back to being a vet. THE END.

I contend that Corky Romano had its moments. Purely from a comedy point of view it had me laughing more than many BMT comedies do. I also think it was rather inspired and ahead of its time to have Corky be an actually good vet. That’s a much more modern device: the competent imbecile. Underused really as it would have been fun to have Corky turn out to be a good agent because of his deep knowledge of animals and yet they barely touch on it and don’t even use it for the conclusion. Now the biggest issue for the film is that it doesn’t make any sense. And not just that it’s an impossibility that Corky would be entirely unknown to the agency or how exactly his mob family gets him installed as an agent. But Corky figures out who a serial killer is because of a watch he left at the crime scene and then stole from evidence. The serial killer left his distinctive watch at the crime scene and only big brain Corky can figure it out? That’s real dumb. It’s a pretty big issue with the film. Just real stupid and doesn’t make any sense. But I guess that’s what turning your brain off is for. As for Dirty Love, the less said the better maybe. There is something about Jenny McCarthy in the sense that she’s really going for it. Like Jim Carrey level mugging. There was a very brief moment where I was like “can she make this tolerable?” and the answer was no. It gets harder and harder to watch as it goes on. Not good!

Hot Take Clam Bake! I think it’s pretty obvious that the FBI knew that Corky was part of the family and was just letting him fool around in the agency to bolster their case against the Romano’s. Maybe they had an inkling that the info they had was bunk and that the real charge they could land was witness/evidence tampering and some tax evasion. By letting Corky in, they could hang an impersonating a federal agent charge over him and get him to wear a wire and really get the solid info they needed. Unfortunately this all would fall apart once Brick was revealed to be the Night Vulture and the Bureau would have to insulate themselves from the ensuing firestorm by promoting the work of the fine Agent Romano. Pretty obvious stuff going on here as otherwise there is no explanation for how they wouldn’t know that Corky was part of the Romano family. Not like he’s a distant cousin. Hot Take Temperature: Mango

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Remember Corky Romano. In a day or twooooooooooooo! Remember that from the trailer? No? Only me? Let’s go!

Corky Romano is an odd film. It was barely created (having been hastily written just before a sctors’ strike), and stars one of the stranger SNL stars of the time. Chris Kattan isn’t exactly leading man material but here we are.

I will say, out of all the stuff that could be considered good in this film, Chris Kattan is, weirdly, one of the better bits. He’s annoying, but on occasion he is kind of a charming doofus. The Girl Scout bit comes to mind. And I did laugh during the film, for example when Kattan offers his hand to his brother who turns and farts towards him instead … I didn’t say it was a good joke, just I said I laughed.

But yeah, the film isn’t super funny, is barely written, is often offensive, and has some of the worst acting you’ll ever see. And the twist! My god, the ultimate twist is that there is an FBI agent … who is also a heroin kingpin? Like why?! That is the kind of insane stuff you get when you write a script in a week to beat a strike.

But naturally, being a horrible sub-10% film on Rotten Tomatoes, this is a BMT film through and through. Also, obviously we need to watch all the Chris Kattan films for BMT. Really just Night at the Roxbury to go.

Not really Product Placement (What?) for the very distinctive bright orange Mazda Miata. And definitely one of the Worst Twist (How?) we’ve ever seen with the completely nonsensical reveal that the FBI agent Brick is also the drug dealing Night Vulture, say whhhhhhhhat?! Crazy. The film is BMT though and through, it barely makes sense.

Bring a Friend time. And what better pair for one of the worst films of all time to watch another film considered one off the worst of all time, Dirty Love. It basically swept the Razzies (back when that meant something) and Ebert gave it a rare zero star review (he also called it the third worst film of 2005, lol). Anyways, the film is awful, it really is one of those films where you wonder if you could make it, that is how not-a-movie it felt like. But the magnetism of McCarthy is undeniable, and it isn’t really a wonder she managed to have a (albeit brief) movie career launched off of a weird dating show on MTV.. If not for the fact that she’s a lunatic I would actually wonder why she didn’t end up doing a few more films. In this case though the film is a nothing film, and is garbage, and I barely remember anything about it, the end.

Well, what can you learn from Corky Romano? Find out in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Saw III Recap

Jamie

A clue has appeared! Since I spent Saw II espousing the franchise’s place in Franchise Man lore, I’ll have a little fun with this intro and continue the (probably never ending) saga of me trying to figure out what film reminded me of the plot of Gothika. We can officially rule out Gothika itself! Why? Just check out a previous entry on a great website called BadMovieTwins.com. In the preview for The Animal (which was written a little late as usual on July 9th, 2023) I made the following statement: “Maybe Kevin James was a secret serial killer so it was OK that they kicked his head clean off. But it wasn’t the case. Kevin James was not a secret serial killer. He wasn’t even a secret serial killer who only killed serial killers. No, Kevin James was just a successful actor that people liked to watch.” This is clearly a riff on what I was reminded of in Gothika. That she got off scot free just because after the fact it was revealed that he was a terrible serial killer and everyone decided it was totally cool that she murdered her husband with an ax. So now I have an upper limit. I had thought maybe it was related to Exorcist III, but no way. I had never seen that film at the time… what is it?! Gah!

To recap, Saw is back, Jack! And boy is he… playing even more games. But it seems like there are some games out there that are impossible to escape. That’s not Jigsaw’s way. His way is to make it only 99.9% impossible. Hmmmm.At the same time a doctor is captured and is told that she has to take care of Jigsaw. He’s basically donzo because of that brain tumor he keeps going on about. She had to keep him alive or her head will explode. He really just needs one last guy to go through his game. It’s Jeff, a grief stricken dad that is obsessed with vengeance. No good! Gotta get over that and appreciate life. In his game he is continually confronting the people that played some role in the death of his son. Instead of helping these people immediately he hems and haws and Jigsaw is like “told you so.” But slowly he gets his groove back even though Jigsaw’s games are dumb and keep killing the people he’s forgiven. In a final twist-em-up it’s revealed that his whole plan was really a test for Jigsaw’s apprentice Amanda, who has been rigging the games. She shoots Lynn, but is then shot by Jeff as he complete’s his game. Turns out he’s Lynn’s husband. Jigsaw is like “you get it, bro?” and Jeff is like nah, and slices his throat. As John dies the room is sealed and it’s revealed he also captured Jeff’s daughter and so… that’s a bummer. THE END.

Pretty much everything about the second film goes for the third as well. These are bad movies, but I also understand why fans enjoy and appreciate them. They cracked a formula. I just wish the franchise that was getting sequel after sequel in the 21st century wasn’t Saw, but rather Friday the 13th. That’s just a more fun franchise. My biggest issue with the later entries in the series is that they do seem a bit excessive in just how stupid the traps are. First of all many of them simply do not give the victim enough time. It’s like “Yank off all your fingers in 25 seconds or you DIE.” Even if the victim was super gung ho about ripping fingers there would be no chance. Second of all everything is just far too painful. I would just accept death. Dig into my eye for a key in the next minute or I die? How about no time limit. How about I eventually dig into my eye for the key and we’re cool. Otherwise it just isn’t worth it. I’d rather die without having dug into my eye because the time limit gives me almost no shot. So it does start to strain credulity. But I guess I should at least answer which is the better of the films, the second or the third… I think it’s the second, although the ending of the third is better just because it’s just crazy enough to work on me. I just can’t forgive how stupid, predictable and poorly acted the third one is.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I do not for a single second buy that Amanda is the only known survivor of Jigsaw. First of all, all the traps are dumb and basically inescapable. Second of all, what about the first Saw? The doctor left the room… I don’t recall ever finding out that he bled to death or tripped and fell down some stairs or something. The real point is that unless Jigsaw made her trap the only escapable trap then someone else would have gotten the gumption up to survive. And as well all know if you survive you are so grateful that you become enamored by the old dying guy who trapped you in the first place and become his apprentice. It’s the law. So he obviously rigged her trap so she survived because he wanted her as an apprentice and not a thousand other dumb apprentices along with her. Hot Take Temperature: A scalding hot cup of tea that contains piranhas with a thousand keys in their stomachs, but only one unlocks the beartrap on your head. You have 37 seconds.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Saw her? I never even knew her! It’s Saw III. Let’s go!

Oh boy, now this is the Saw I know and hate.

Straight up, this movie makes no sense. Pointedly a lot of the traps are not intended to be solvable, that is the whole issue Jigsaw has with his replacement, but even the traps that are meant to be solvable the guy just waffles around and then either fails or barely gets by them! It is nuts. Let’s cover people with pig guts. Let’s twist people’s arms and legs until they break. Let’s freeze a fully nude woman. These are the good traps. You heard that right, those are the GOOD Jigsaw approved traps. The woman made those traps and Jigsaw was like “that’s more like it, good job.” Horrible. Strike one: these puzzles are dumb as shit.

The style of the Saw films are a little like flop house chic. A real deal Derelict featuring Derek Zoolander. Remember when there was a time where people were totally into people living in squalor. Like that was considered cool? Se7en remembers. Fight Club remembers. The Torture Porn genre really was the last hurrah for that style I feel like. Strike two: this movie looks like crap.

As amazing as it is that Tobin Bell managed to break into the mainstream when he was 50, but I really don’t like Shawnee Smith in these films. Her character is necessary, but I do wish she was somehow more interesting. I suppose if you are going to be a lunatic you necessarily don’t have your shit together, but still, I would have expected better from a character who I imagine they thought they could at least try and anchor a sequel with. Strike three: Jigsaw is bad at recruiting.

So there we go three strikes and Saw is out. Pity we have to watch like ten more of these things.

Now this installment has a Worst Twist (How?) in the ultimate reveal that Angus Macfadyen, the guy who is in the main boobytrapped house, is the husband of the doctor who is kidnapped to “save” Jigsaw. Naturally, she has no real chance to save Jigsaw, just keep him alive long enough for Macfadyen to arrive and have to decide whether he should kill Jigsaw. He does, and so his wife dies. The End. This movie is closest to BMT, it is truly a horrible piece of garbage in the best sense of the word.

But what else can you learn from watching Saw III? Find out in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Saw II Recap

Jamie

This is it. Peak Franchise Man. This is the film(s) that sparked the idea for this year-long cycle. We were like “we should start a bunch of franchises we never got around to.” We may as well have said, “let’s watch Saw II & III.” Saw is more or less the platonic ideal of a franchise for Franchise Man. It starts off with a bang. A film that busts through to the mainstream. Gets everyone clamoring for more Saw. So what do you do? Blair Witch looked at that and said, “What if we did Blair Witch but the exact opposite and everyone will hate it?” Saw looked at that and said, “What if we explode heads and rip people’s fingers off and also create a lore so deep that you could swim in it forever and never reach the bottom of the lore?” Guess which one Franchise Man is the most interested in? Saw! Let’s go!

To recap, Jigsaw just keeps on playing games. When the latest victim leads to a message addressed directly to Jigsaw expert Detective Matthews, he is quickly able to track down Jigsaw at an abandoned warehouse. He’s in for a TWISTED awakening, though, when Jigsaw reveals that Matthew’s son Daniel and a bunch of other people have all been trapped in a house slowly filling up with a deadly nerve agent. The game is afoot! A couple of the people are killed in elaborate traps (surprise, surprise) they also reveal some subtle connections to each other in that they all were arrested. Unbeknownst to them, though, they were actually all framed by Detective Matthews. Additionally, one of the people is Amanda, the only known survivor of Jigsaw (mmmmm, lore). They soon start going insane or dying in elaborate traps. One of them, Xavier, figures out that they all have numbers on the back of their necks that will together be a combination to an antidote, but before he can read all the numbers, Daniel kills him. Seeing all this going on through security cameras, Detective Matthews subdues Jigsaw and forces him to take him to the house. Meanwhile the police also are able to trace the video feed and realize that the house where everything happened is long abandoned and the whole game was a recording. At that point a pig masked figure jumps out and traps Detective Matthews. What a trap! Turns out it’s Amanda and she’s now Jigsaw’s apprentice (arrrrggghhhhhhhh, I’m quickening with the lore!). Back at the warehouse a timer goes off and a box opens, revealing Daniel there safe and sound. THE END.

The entire time I watched this movie I was like “This is so dumb. This is so bad. This is dumb and bad.” Somehow with a little distance I have a strange fondness for the silliness that is Saw. Some major horror franchises know what they are and hammer it over and over to the delight of fans and the hatred of critics. Friday the 13th is the classic. Paranormal activity is a recent example. Saw certainly does that. But beyond a meta appreciation for franchises as Franchise Man, I think it’s hard to argue the fact that these movies are silly, unnecessarily gorey, morally problematic nonsense. The acting is truly dire, to boot. These are films to appreciate, but not actually enjoy or like. I do not enjoy or like them, but I will gladly watch them because I’m Franchise Man.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Uh, Jigsaw is dead the whole time… no, that isn’t going to work. How about this? The police are helping Jigsaw. Not actively, just kind of letting him slide. Think about it, literally everyone he kills this time are people that Donnie Wahlberg framed to get them off the streetz. They are the riff raff that the police want gone from the streets of [insert city name that is definitely not Toronto]. Maybe he’s not such a genius after all. Maybe he’s a big ol’ dumbo and the police are like “oh boy, really got us again, Jigsaw. You’re so smart with all your plans and shit that we can’t figure out. Hope you don’t kill another person we totally care about.” Hot Take Temperature: A furnace that explodes if you don’t pull your eyelids off in the next seven seconds.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Who’s sawing the sawers? Wait … that’s not the phrase it is? It’s Saw II, Let’s go!

Ah the Saw franchise. As a host of my favorite podcast suggested, the people who try and catch up on the Saw franchise are really just trying to make their lives worse. He ain’t wrong!

Out of all the horror genres out there, the one I like the least is what is often referred to as Torture Porn. This falls into that definitively. But here’s the thing. I had only ever actually watched the original Saw. Otherwise the only other Torture Porn film I’ve seen in Hostel. So I don’t know … maybe Saw didn’t become true Torture Porn until later?

Nope. Well … it wasn’t as bad as I thought, but I do think you’d throw this into the Hostel bucket. I think I just have fully desensitized myself to most horror at this point. I imagine if I watched something truly brutal I would still get physically ill, but regardless, I managed to watch Saw II with little to no difficulty.

Ah, but the movie? Perhaps I thought it was actually kind of good like the original?

Nope, the acting is terrible, the plot is dumb, the traps are stupid, Jigsaw makes no sense, all the cops are stupid, this movie is dumb. The End.

But to be more exact with it, the issue with Saw to some extent is that the traps are often just really stupid. The survivor woman from the first had the easiest task of anyone. She had to kill another person and retrieve a key, that’s it. Most people have stupid traps like … pull out all your toenails, or walk through a football field of syringes or something. Like … borderline it is like, but that would maim me? My feet will never be the same. My desire to live while maimed isn’t the same as my desire to live. They touch on this a bit in the third film. Regardless, often, the traps only really work because people waffle too much or the trap itself is dumb. That, honestly, is the worst part of the franchise. I’m a puzzle guy and the idea that the puzzles often feel either too easy or too hard is frustrating.

In this case, the trap house is a little fun, even if Donnie Wahlberg Jr. isn’t really doing it for me as the ultimate twist. I do like how the film ends in the same place as the first, and the twist itself is actually not terrible. But still, the film sets up the franchise and hooooo doggy, it isn’t super impressive.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think this film deserves any superlatives, not even for the twist. The twist is kind of good, and the rest don’t match up. You get nothing Saw II! This is closest to BMT I think, the film is genuinely poorly made and stupid and a good example of a bad example of Torture Porn.

So what are you going to learn from Saw II? Find out in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs