Category: Recap

Fear (2023) Recap

Jamie

Fear is fantastic. Life changing really. All this time I was walking around not understanding the world. Like FDR stated to the nation “the only thing we have to fear is… fear itself.” I’m like, sure, but what about a vampire, FDR? Pretty scary stuff. But now I understand. He wasn’t talking about “fear” as a concept. He was talking about Fear the movie. Now I’m vibing, Frankie D. And take Star Wars. Yoda is all like “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” I’m like, yo, yoda, hold up. I’d be pretty scared of a Wookiee. He’d rip my arms off if he loses (and I always win). That won’t lead to the Dark Side. That’s just common sense. But now I’m back on Team Yoda. Fear definitely leads to anger, hate, suffering and the Dark Side. Yoda man, yoda. So there we go. Even before they made Fear, two of the greatest Americans of all time were lining up against it. Let’s see if they were right.

To recap, a bunch of dummies travel up to a closed resort in the middle of the pandemic in order to celebrate a birthday (and an engagement if the main character Rom would stop chickening out). His girlfriend, Bianca, has asthma and is skeptical about why they are up there. Rom is an author and everyone’s a little suspicious that maybe they are up there as part of research for his next book. He’s like “no, no” but really that’s exactly why they are there. Some spooky stuff starts happening, like the creepy resort owner feeds them garbage wine and their minds play some tricks on them, but really the scariest thing is Lou. You see, Lou is coughing a bunch and they are afraid he’s got Covid. Shortly thereafter they see a news report that a new super deadly strain of Covid is out and that everyone needs to stay inside. They throw Lou in the basement and one of their friends rushes out to be with her kid against their protests. When people find out what they did with Lou they go down to free him, but find him dead. Soon everyone is dying in a bunch of uninteresting ways vaguely connected to their own worst fears. By the end Bianca escapes to town where she finds that everything is OK and it was just the resort being a silly goose and pranking them. You done been Punk’d. THE END.

Woof. This movie is terrible. What a waste of time and potential. I could think up a million different ways that this could have worked. The first way was to make the fears interesting and then actually have them die that way. Claustrophobia, drownings, spiders, snakes, heights, etc. etc. etc. Now have a giant spider eat one of them. Instead they all die in super boring ways after we wade through a full hour of no one dying at all. It’s just a bunch of people fretting about Super Covid and bad mouthing T.I. There was a brief moment in the beginning where I thought we were going to get an old school slasher film like April Fool’s Day… but then it droned on and on and was just a dumb supernatural horror film. I hated this. 

Hot Take Clam Bake. We shouldn’t have watched this. I know doing BMT is all about watching bad movies like this but, sigh, this wasn’t worth our time. We shouldn’t have watched this at all. We just shouldn’t have. I wish I didn’t. I wish I could go back and not watch this. It makes me question what we are up to. Does something need to change? How is it that we ended up having to watch this? Is BMT broken? Did we err in some way at some point? We just… we shouldn’t have watched this. Hot Take Temperature: Volcano.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Remember when horror films were scary or had any interesting ideas or (frankly) reasons to exist. Pepperidge Farm remembers. Let’s go!

This. Is. The. Worst. Film. I’ve. Seen. This. Year.

This film isn’t funny, charming, entertaining, nothing. This movie is garbage. It is a net negative. I cannot believe this was screened to producers and audiences and they went fuck it, release it, horror just prints money right?

Like, as we were watching this film we realized with growing fear (ha!) that we made a horrible mistake … obviously we should have done Five Nights at Freddy’s. This is a non-movie and doesn’t even deserve to be watched. This is the kind of movie where we are like “wait … are we somehow doing too many movies for BMT? Can we tweak the qualifications so that this specifically doesn’t qualify in the future?”

That would be my fear death. I would drink the fear juice and then later I would go into a trance and find myself in a theater watching Fear and being like “NO! I can’t watch this movie again!” And then ultimately I would walk over and like smash my face into a trashcan in the theater and in real life and die.

I’ve just been making fun of this movie. But there really isn’t anything redeemable here. The concept is stupid (an author drags his friends to a hotel with allegations of a witch coven based on fear, yada yada yada they all die from fear nonsense except the two that leave). The entire relationship to the pandemic is stupid (I don’t know if there are people in real life as stupid as the people in this movie are … I sure hope not). And it isn’t scary, the cardinal sin of horror. There is truly nothing about this movie I would call a kernel of an idea. It is all quite bad. And that is why it is the worst film of the year for me.

But even that is somehow being generous. There is no reason this should have been released to theaters. It should have been on Shudder where horror fans could have gone “meh” and I could have ignored it.

I’m going to go with Worst Twist (How?) for the obvious reveal that the entire second pandemic was fake news brought to you by the Lying Witch Coven of Strawberry Lodge. Sorry, the Strawberry Lodge witches merely subscribe to alternative facts, specifically that there is a severe airborne threat and you should all hang out in Strawberry Lodge. This movie is bad bad bad bad bad bad bad, and I really hope I don’t even give it the Bad award for BMT because it was too bad even for that.

Oh jesus, can I make a sequel to this … of course I can! One word: baby. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Hypnotic Recap

Jamie

What a journey with our boy Hypnotic. You would think a wide release Robert Rodriguez film starring Ben Affleck released in May would be available on every corner for our BMT pleasure. Wrong. Even seven months later the film was not out on DVD. What a crock! This is not total cinema. This isn’t even partial cinema! What are you up to, Robert Rodriguez? But ultimately you can tell what he was up to just by looking at the credits of the film. This was a Rodriguez family affair, much like the Patriots are now a Belichick family affair. I’m not sure he much cared where this film was available. Does the film exist? Was his family employed in its making? Yes? Well then, mission accomplished.

To recap, Ben Affleck is a police officer (or is he?) recovering from the kidnapping of his daughter (or is he?) who is back on the job (or is he?) tracking an impending robbery of a bank safe deposit box (or is… enough of that). At the robbery he gets the feeling he knows that something’s off and gets to the box and finds a message “Find Lev Dellrayne.” A man, Dellrayne himself, was the orchestrator of the robbery and tries killing Ben before making an escape. The tip for the robbery came from a hypnotist that Ben teams up with. He finds out about a secret group of hypnotics who can make you believe things are happening for their own devices. They end up going on the run when Dellrayne, the most powerful hypnotic in the world, turns both friends and foes against them. There is some MacGuffin that they want, but really they want to find answers and that comes in the form of a hacker named River. That’s because once Ben is seeing all the info that River uncovers he has an epiphany… none of anything in the film is real. It’s all hypnotic bullshit (what a twist). Turns out his daughter was the progeny of him (also a powerful hypnotic) and the hypnotic he teamed up with. When the government wanted to start using her as a weapon, Ben hid her away and erased his memory. He’s been in a never ending cycle of hypnosis as they try to figure out what “Find Lev Dellrayne” means. But Ben is able to break the cycle this time and heads out to a ranch where his daughter has come of age and has full control of her powers. Teamed back up with his wife and daughter they defeat the agency and escape (or do they? (They don’t, but it doesn’t matter cause there won’t be a sequel (or will there be? (there won’t)))). THE END.

This is as close as we’re going to get to M. Night Shyamalan Presents: Twist: The Movie. Right from the opening, where a therapist methodically taps her pencil against a pad of paper, you can’t help but think, “None of this is real.” So then, when other events, characters, objects enter the swirling orbit of the amorphous (and terrible looking) film, you just sigh. “I get it, speed it up,” was my thought every 5-10 minutes. It’s not at all surprising that Rodriguez talks candidly about how his children did VFX, music, editing, etc. on the film. Certainly looks and sounds that way. I don’t blame him, really. Making a movie seems pretty darn hard and making it with your family would probably make it more enjoyable, but the product will probably suffer (and it did). So all this led to the greatest crime a BMT film can commit. By the time Jeff Fahey showed up on screen I was so over the film that I didn’t even look to see if there was a motorcycle for him to have sex on or a lawnmower for him to push. Booooooooo.

Hot Take Clam Bake! In a post credit stinger we see that William Fitchner hasn’t died, but rather tricked people into killing Jeff Fahey instead. This promises a sequel, right? Wrong! Jeff Fahey didn’t die (you idiots). He’s actually the main character and the titular Hypnotic (you dopes). You didn’t get that? (What dummies). Jeff Fahey? International superstar? Didn’t you see “Ben Affleck” riding a motorcycle in the film. Didn’t that strike you as odd given Jeff Fahey’s history with motorcycles? (Stupid idiots) What’s hypnosis but a mental form of virtual reality. They claimed that they went Beyond Cyberspace for Lawnmower Man 2 but they were wrong. THIS is Lawnmower Man 2 (fucking dumb dumbs). Obviously, Jobe’s War?… get it?… Dellrayne is Jobe. Jobe is Dellrayne. (you dumb idiot stupidheads). Hot Take Temperature: Woman of Desire.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about too-jacked Ben Affleck looking like a triangle and making low-rent Inception? Let’s go!

Oh boy is this movie a mess.

Affleck seems completely checked out, which is almost certainly because this was a random movie he did to keep himself in the mix as a headliner while he was (presumably) directing and acting in Air, a far more financially worthwhile film.

The concept of the film is interesting for about five seconds before they botch it. Kind of cool: a villain who hypnotizes people to make them commit crimes for him. It is almost a Batman villain (wait, Batman? Affleck? Talk to me people!).

Not cool: a secret society of hypnotists who can actually create elaborate inception like worlds and convince people that they aren’t who they think they are because two of the hypnotists had a baby who is a super hypnotist who can like … kill the world or something?

But this movie did deliver one thing that make me forgive everything: Jeff Fahey. Let the Fahey-ssaince begin!!

For real though. Parts of this film look kind of cool. Parts of it are interesting. But mostly it is a whole lotta nothing produced by a director who is quickly being known for producing a whole lotta nothing.

And that director also has officially made his productions a family affair and that experiment is so far off to a rocky start.

The only surprised about this film was that it was released to enough theaters to qualify. Bizarre.

You would think there would be more product placement for a film like this, but I just looked it up and there is surprisingly little and nothing really of note. I do like a true blue MacGuffin (Why?) involving the search for the secret daughter. And the obvious Worst Twist (How?) where the entire film is (obviously) a hypnosis, because why the hell not. This movie is complete trash, Bad through and through.

Oh boy, you best believe I’m completely undoing this movie with the classic sequel opening twist. Patent pending. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Mafia Mamma Recap

Jamie

Mamma Mia! That’s not this. It’s Mafia Mamma! Mamma Mia! Enough of that. This might turn out to be the year of the comedy comeback. Or maybe more accurately the year of the BMT comedy comeback. It seems like we had minor comedies out the wazoo being released to >2000 theaters. We just did About my Father. We have a couple other (potential) entries later this year. Where were the bad horror films? Where were the star-studded comedy flops? Everything seems so quaint and filled with fresh faces ready to be fallen on or old faces… uh… also ready to be fallen on. It’s going to make for a wild ride down the home stretch. Mamma Mia indeed.

To recap, everything is going wrong in Kristin’s life. She just sent her only child off to college and has simultaneously found out her loser husband has been cheating on her. So a call from Italy requesting her attendance at the funeral of her grandfather couldn’t come at a better time. Under the guise of a work trip she heads off with a express mission to eat, pray, fuck. She immediately runs into the man of her dreams, but is distracted when she finds herself under fire at the funeral. It’s soon revealed that her grandfather was a mafia don and she just inherited the family. Gulp. Members of the family are concerned and try to just get her to agree to a truce. The rival family, though, aims to kill her and ultimately through luck Kristin ends up killing the head of that family instead. Double gulp! She starts seeing the man she met, Lorenzo, as she tries to turn the business legit. The other family won’t quit, though, and soon she has killed another assassin and ended up getting fired from her job. With that she throws herself fully into the family business and soon has it humming with a mix of legal business and illegal (but moral) business. Soon her husband and son show up being like “WTF, mate? Put some more shrimp on the barbie,” and she decides to retire and return home. In the process of retiring, the police bust in to arrest everyone. Turns out Lorenzo was an undercover officer! Oh no! She goes to trial, but is found innocent and survives one last assassination attempt. With the confidence of her family she takes over as don to (presumably) continue to turn it into a legal enterprise. THE END.

One of my favorite podcasts reviewed this film and (mostly) liked it. There appeared to be a bit of celebration that a traditional rom com came out into theaters. I agree in that sense. We have a really charming and good actress in Toni Collette helming a goofy romantic film. That’s good. The film? Not that good. She’s great, but several of the supporting actors are pretty irritating (particularly Fabrizio). It’s also unusually gruesome (which some could see as a positive, but I didn’t understand the point of), actively offensive against Italians, and interminably long. The point is that I liked About my Father quite a bit more.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I was feeling the sparks between Toni Colette and numerous characters in the film… just not the ones she was paired with. Monica Bellucci and her were rolling all up in some beds together. But that would be counterintuitively a cold take, because their chemistry was so apparent it would be played out to pair them up. No, I’m thinking her and her bodyguard Aldo are gonna get it on. She’s helped him out with his mother’s hard to find medicine and soon he’s guarding more than just her body. Or… wait… he’s doing more than just guarding her body… whatever. Hot Take Temperature: Tuscan Sun.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about taking an Italian vacation and calling it a movie? But like … forgetting to write jokes and stuff? Let’s go!

Absolute peak “none of this is funny but everyone seems to be having fun which is itself maybe okay” film.

Because Toni Collette seems like she is having a blast here with Catherine Hardwicke.

Oh yeah, robot leg. Add this to the Robot Leg / Arm series along with I Know Who Killed me because Monica Bellucci definitely had a full on robot leg. They try to be like “This? This ain’t a regular human leg … uh, it is just like the most fancy prosthetic you’ve ever seen. Yeah, that’s it!” Which definitely means it is a robot leg.

The film is obviously quite scattershot. Isn’t that how bad comedies operate these days. A bunch of random encounters and situations, a bunch of improv, and then hope enough of it comes out in the wash to form a movie.

But did it form a movie? Like … did it?

The storyline is just Suburban Mamma goes to Italy and becomes Mafia Mamma, survives a few assassination attempts, survives going on trial in Italy (famous for their incredibly not-corrupt trial system …), and then makes a pharmaceutical / mafia empire the end.

The only thing that kind of worked for me was the constant references to The Godfather and how perplexed everyone is that our Mafia Mamma has never seen it (she just can’t carve out three hours, c’mon! I can relate).

I’ll leave it there. Kind of fun film that is almost entirely worthless. Even if it was good it would be mostly worthless.

I’m going to make up a new category of Disgruntled Number Two (Who?) for this film because I feel like they needed that trope for this film to function. Wait a second, Restylane, the pharmaceutical they specifically run an ad for is real and is Product Placement (What?) … huh. Obviously Setting as a Character (Where?) for Italy. And why not, a Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that our Mafia Mamma is good at her job. This movie is probably closest to Good although I personally didn’t like it much.

Oh god do I actually have to make a sequel to this film? Fine. Read about it in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

About My Father Recap

Jamie

It’s not long ago that we would have been shocked to find ourselves doing a film like About my Father. Seems like a tiny film, something that could exist exclusively on some streaming service I don’t have access to. But I actually think it’s a great sign that something like this was released to 2400 theaters. Opportunity is all we need for BMT and maybe we’ll look back and think “the rock bottom for BMT was just around About my Father before things really turned around.” Interesting, too, that it’s paired with Head of the Family, as that has such an outsized place in my mind compared to its actual significance. This is one of a trilogy of films that play a major part in the lore of my favorite podcast, so its tenuous connection to the idea of “fatherhood” was enough for us. Now we just gotta think about the connections needed to snack on Castle Freak and Invisible Maniac.

To recap, hotelier Sebastian and artist Ellie are in loooooooove (oooooo, if you’re so in love then why don’t you marry her?). He’s planning on doing just that. A perfect opportunity comes in the form of an invite to the family’s big July 4th party in Virginia. Sebastian informs his father, Salvo (a proud Italian immigrant turned hair dresser), that he’ll be going this year for the holiday and Salvo insists that he join (otherwise no family ring for him). Ellie’s family is more than welcoming and off they jet to the exclusive community where the vacation home sits. Cultures are about the clash, though, as Salvo is pretty loud and in your face and Sebastian just wants him to calm down. Things are looking pretty good, though, when Ellie’s father (a mega rich hotelier himself) offers Sebastian management of their most prestigious D.C. hotel. One odd bit is that he sees that these hotels are decked out in Ellie’s art… seems like daddy has been spending the family fortune on propping up Ellie’s art career. Uh oh! He quietly accepts the offer and agrees to move from Chicago for the job. Meanwhile, Salvo continues to get in the wacky hijinks required by his contract as “kooky father.” He cooks up the family’s favorite peacock, gives the political matriarch of the family a horrible haircut (that goes viral in a good way), etc. etc. Ultimately, though, Ellie is hurt when she finds out about the art scandal and Salvo is hurt when he finds out they’re moving. Sebastian figures out that Ellie and his dad are what really matters and patches things up with them and agrees to stay in Chicago with the blessing of the whole family. THE END.

Despite a bunch of hacky gags (for example, Sebastian using a water hoverboard, losing his trunks, and then showing everyone his genitals… how can it be that it feels like I’ve seen that joke before?), I’m a bit of a sucker for a sweet family comedy like this. Nice ending, nice message, and Sebastian Maniscalco is pleasingly self-deprecating. So even though a multitude of things don’t work in the movie I think on the whole I didn’t mind this. It is very quick to the point and moves with purpose. I almost wish more stand-ups were forced to put their persona to the test with a 90 minute romantic/family comedy… see how it holds up to scrutiny. As for Head of the Family, I was surprised by how much I liked that film. Spoiler Alert: tons of nudity, but that’s not why I liked it. It was just good for a nice chuckle. All the characters are dumb or unpleasant so you can have a laugh at them all getting their comeuppance. What a surprising week for BMT.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Ellie and Sebastian are definitely ending up in D.C. He operates a boutique hotel, her art career is in the tank, his dad is elderly, and she is used to a certain lifestyle that includes pet peacocks and the like. When his dad passes away, they have a baby, and Lucky bombs at operating the big D.C. hotel then guess what is going to look pretty great? The brownstone in Georgetown and the opportunity to furnish a high end hotel with your art and a full time nanny and a vacation home. It’s just a matter of time. Hot Take Temperature: A balmy D.C. summer.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about a Best Supporting Actor performance from De Niro in a bad comedy? I mean … I’m hearing whispers. Everyone is saying he could win Best Supporting Actor. I assume for this. Let’s go!

On a more serious note this is one of the best De Niro performances in a bad movie I’ve ever seen. I don’t know if it is because he’s so old, or because he’s energized by Killers of the Flower Moon, but he is effortlessly charming in this film and it is nothing like the odd grating performances you’d see in something like Little Fockers.

The main character is a bit of a nothing. I’m sure I would understand the movie better if I knew who he was or what his comedy specials are like.

I do like that the film isn’t about their families splitting the couple apart. The families are grating to them specifically, but the significant other likes their future in laws. That’s fun.

The two brothers are the worst though and in different ways. The main brother (played by one of the guys from Workaholics) doesn’t quite work because you are kind of supposed to buy he’s good at sports (tennis and golf specifically) and also that he isn’t the most annoying person in the world. He isn’t and he is respectively. The other brother is a caricature out of nowhere and adds nothing to the film besides being an opportunity to make fun of Millennials I think.

The peacock thing is absurd and derails the movie for no reason. Well … fine, the payoff of them clearly convincing the family that the dog killed the peacock was okay.

Our final friend of the cycle is Head of the Family. It’s a goddamned classic for a reason. Full Moon is an interesting company, but there is something just fun about the oddness and grossness and the way it is shot. The funniest thing is how proud people seem to be about it. The woman in it apparently showed it to her children with pride. She is naked all the time in the film. But yeah, it is hugely entertaining, the effects are fun, and I could watch a million of these. There is no wonder that Stuart from the Flophouse semi-seriously recommended it over and over on the podcast in the early days. A+.

The brother gets dangerously dangerously close to a modern Planchet (Who?) here by serving as a living, breathing, butt of jokes. Lots of Johnnie Walker for Product Placement (What?) throughout the film. A great Setting as a Character (Where?) for Virginia as the hot July 4th spot for conservatives from DC. And a Not So Secret Holiday Film (When?) for a true blue July 4th film. We got a MacGuffin (Why?) for the mythical ring the main character needs to pop the question. And finally a Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that the parents have been buying the daughter’s art all along. The film is Good, but obviously it has a lot of good bad movie stuff to chew on throughout.

Read about the sequel I got planned in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Kickboxer Recap

Jamie

Sometimes our eyes get a little bigger than our BMT stomachs, but usually that’s because we recognize that a veritable smorgasbord of goodness is coming our way. How couldn’t we watch Kickboxer and Kickboxer III: The Art of War as our Bring a Friend combo when both films happened to air on a September 1st in the 90’s? And how couldn’t we supplement that with a bonus Kickboxer II: The Road Back? It’s impossible. It’s literally impossible. Show me someone who says they could resist that and I’ll show you a liar. If you’re reading this and think “I’m not going to watch three Kickboxer movies in one week,” I’m here to tell you… you’re a liar. Did you even hear the subtitle “The Art of War”? When this whole cycle has been an Art cycle… *ring* *ring* hello, it’s me, destiny, and I’m here to turn on your radio. What’s that? What about Kickboxer IV: The Aggressor? Stop being ridiculous. We may be crazy, but we’re not stupid.

To recap, Eric Sloane is the world champ in kickboxing but everyone is like “you can’t beat Thailand.” Being dumb he’s like ‘oh yeah?’ and schedules a fight in Thailand against a totally unknown fighter in Muay Thai, a type of fighting he’s never done. His much smarter younger brother Kurt is like “don’t do it,” particularly when he hears that his opponent Tong Po has killed people and mostly stands around punching concrete pillars all day like a psycho. But Eric (being quite stupid) fights him anyway and is paralyzed. Kurt is devastated and after getting laughed out of all the gyms in Bangkok accepts the help of expatriate Taylor to find Xian Chow, a famous Muay Thai trainer. After some training and some smooching with Chow’s niece Mylee, Kurt wins a fight to set up the revenge match with Tong Po. Tong Po’s trainer puts all his money behind Po and in very 80’s action film fashion decides that he should probably insure victory by having Tong Po kidnap Eric and rape Mylee. He holds Eric hostage to force Kurt to go the distance but ultimately throw the match. Mylee is ashamed and begs Tylor to help get Eric back so Kurt doesn’t have to lose. Taylor and Chow get Eric back just in time for Kurt to turn the match around and destroy Tong Po. THE END.

Boy, I very much enjoyed this very dumb movie. We’ve seen a lot of JCVD movies over the years but I think this might be the best one to help understand his draw as a potential movie star. And not just because you can see that he knows what he’s doing in terms of kickboxing and has some natural charisma and charm. It’s mostly because the actual pro kickboxer they got to play Eric is flat as can be. It seems hard to find both a guy who pops on screen and knows how to make a fight look real and he can do it. Tong Po is also a good villain. It’s fluff, but it’s fun fluff. As for the sequels, boy oh boy oh boy. This is what Bring a Friend is all about. Sasha Mitchell clearly likes to kickbox, but he’s a totally ridiculous actor. I vaguely recall his character on Step by Step was kind of a dumb lunk and this is right in line with that. The first sequel is pretty funny in how they stretch the backstory (he’s a previously unmentioned younger brother of the characters from the first film who “died because of kickboxing”… but they also show Kurt being shot in cold blood by Tong Po?) but otherwise is not so different than the original. The third film. Hoooooooooooo doggy. Holy shit. What a wild ride. Suddenly we are in Brazil, our boy Sasha is adopting children, there’s a real crazy sex trafficking story line that is already out of place in this kickboxing (?) movie… but then Sasha goes totally commando out of nowhere and murders people. And he’s like “it’s always hard to kill people.” Is it?… Is it, Sasha? It’s also amusing because in multiple movies people die or are paralyzed during sanctioned matches and Sasha stands up at different points and rails on the corruption in the sport and I can’t tell if these films are supposed to be an advertisement for or a warning against kickboxing.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Frank Lane wanted to get caught and killed by Sasha. He was suicidal. Think about it. Here’s a rich guy running a sex trafficking ring in Brazil. He’s got authorities on his payroll. Things are going pretty well. In walks a kickboxing champion with a street urchin and his sister in tow. What do you do if you are a master criminal? Do you A) wait until after the kickboxing match, say a fond goodbye to Sasha, and promise to look after the girl? OR B) take the girl right then, antagonize Sasha, leverage all your wealth betting against the champ, and then get killed by a child? You can think over those two choices while also marveling at the fact that this take came from Kickboxer 3. Hot Take Temperature: Brazil.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about a JCVD classic besmirched by critics (are you dumb?) and supplemented by two direct-to-video sequels (wait … are we dumb?). Let’s go!

Hellllllllllll yeah … so yeah, obviously I’ve seen this film before and I was like “cool, good movie, enjoyed it..” And then when I saw the Rotten Tomatoes score my eyes popped out of my head and steam came out of my ears. Ric-goddamned-diculous.

Sure the brother actor is terrible. And so is the bad guy. Both of those guys are also kickboxers who can’t act their way out of a paper bag but whatever.

And sure they go straight to the issue I’ve had with a lot of these low budget 80s and 90s films: literally paralyzing and nearly killing someone is fine, but when they want to kick up the bad guys’ badness another degree they can’t help but go straight to sexually assaulting someone the hero loves. Blah.

And fine the mentor character is kind of a weird cartoon and a total knockoff of Miyagi.

But goddamned if I don’t really enjoy Bloodsport, this, and The Quest. There is something so pure in the descent into madness that series of films ends up being once you consider the progressive amount of control JCVD had in each of them. One sec, have to pop in my Criterion Steelbook of The Quest.

Oh I almost forgot the dance scene. The dance scene is a must watch. I think the Criterion Collection released just the dance scene as a 4K/Blu-Ray 2-disc special edition.

Let’s roll right into the sequel shall we? We did the two main sequels to the film as Friends, the first being Kickboxer II: The Road Back. Also fun. The main actor is an abomination though. I can maybe see what they were going for, and by all accounts he was a kickboxing fanatic, but they needed an actual kickboxer in the role. His friend ended up being in a few more films eventually and I think he could have maybe held his own in the role. I just don’t buy the guy from Dallas as an elite kickboxer, and there are some laugh out loud moments with his character, specifically at the end when he mumbles “Do you have no honor” while bleeding profusely from his face. It is honestly priceless. Still though, a pretty fun if at times weird movie.

Now as for Kickboxer III: The Art of War … what the hell? This movie is some of the most incredible shit I’ve ever seen. Somehow the main actor has gotten worse since his last outing in the role. His character at times comes across as genuinely dumb, and his outfits … he starts the movie in a truly sublime bright red set of overalls, and later pops on some shorts where I could (I swear to god) see the entire outline of his dick. This was the actor’s clothing. It has to be! Anyways, eventually because some manager who is setting up kickboxing tournaments turns out to be a pedophile and a child prostitute sex slaver you know what that means … yeah, our kickboxer has to shoot like 12 people in the face and save everyone. Yup, he Seagals it. No need to know any martial arts, he barely does any in the film, nope, he just gets an automatic and sprays bullets at any bad guy he sees. And sure, there is a weird bit where they try and exercise him to death, but in the end that only makes him stronger (obviously) and he destroys the crazy guy he was brought in to spar with. This movie is bonkers. This is exactly what I want direct-to-video sequels to be … well, minus the child sex trafficking. But yeah, 10/10, A, I would watch these films again, they are hilarious.

Obviously a great Setting as a Character (Where?) for Thailand (although it is never beating the A+ Bangkok Dangerous). I think that is it, it isn’t a real twist that Van Damme wins. The movie is obviously Good.

Read about my direct sequel to the original in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Arthur (2011) Recap

Jamie

While this is not the final “Arthur” film of the year, it is the culmination of our year-long “Arthur” cycle. We’ve learned, loved, lived, learned to the love and live, and lived to learn and love as Patrick has navigated the data necessary to make such a cycle possible. It’s very hard trying to figure out what films have played on TV on a series of specific dates. A true technological achievement. And it tells you a lot of how far we’ve come. In the beginning we were just watching along with a podcast and mostly limited ourselves to films that we could both readily obtain from Netflix. I remember balking at paying for a rental of a BMT film. We couldn’t possibly, right? Nowadays we watch several BMT in theaters. We have ordered Bring a Friends (friends!) on VHS that we then had to convert into a watchable format! On a much brighter note we now employ our local public libraries for almost all films that we would otherwise pay for, so overall the “we would prefer not to pay for a BMT film” philosophy has blessedly persisted. But really, the true crowning BMT achievement is not our willingness to spend money for BMT… it’s the willingness of Patrick to spend many, many hours developing an advanced algorithm to analyze New York Times TV listings for BMT. It brings a tear to your eye (interpret that as you will).

To recap, Arthur is a rich, drunk asshole. But this time it’s not his fault (I pull Arthur in for a hug) It’s not your fault, Arthur. It’s not your fault. When his mother decides to cut him off unless he marries the stuck up Susan Johnson he relents because he likes his money. In the meantime he meets a free-spirited Naomi, who captures his heart with her dreams of writing a children’s book. He tries to quit drinking and get a job so he can disobey his mother, but alas, Naomi finds out he’s engaged and breaks it off. His butler Hobbes, who likes Naomi for Arthur, tries to talk to her, but ends up having to go to the hospital. When Arthur rushes to Hobbes’ side Naomi finds out from Susan that the only reason her children’s book is getting published is because Arthur bought the publishing company. That pretty much ends things for them officially. Arthur is sober while taking care of Hobbes, but when she dies he relapses. On his wedding day, though, he finds a letter from Hobbes and decides to go after Naomi once and for all. Naomi still isn’t ready to take him back, though, so Arthur spends time working on himself. He realizes that it’s not his fault (I hold him even tighter as he sobs in my arms) and he takes over his family’s charitable work. Later he meets Naomi at a book reading and they tearfully smooch… hard. THE END.

The first Arthur film was unabashedly Arthur. I went into it biased. I recalled seeing it on TV here and there growing up and I didn’t really “get it.” It was a classic and yet I never saw anything funny happen. On watching the whole thing I was surprised. The butler was definitely very funny and Arthur himself wasn’t nearly as annoying as I expected. The sequel, though, decided to wade into the hilarious waters of infertility, adoption, and alcoholism and was a barrel of anti-laughs. Where did they go wrong? They stopped being polite and started being real. So obviously the remake would resolve that issue… oh wait, no. Apparently they decided the second film had it correct and Arthur’s alcoholism and trauma should be part of the narrative. We really can’t have fun anymore with this kind of stuff. Which is fine, but it also means they probably just shouldn’t make a remake of Arthur. The film is all over the place as it tries to navigate how to get everyone into the right places where we feel good about the alcoholic asshole getting the girl. All that being said… I thought the acting and casting was pretty good for what was a not very good movie. As for Replicant, I thought this was a pretty fun movie. If you dig the cheesy badness of 90’s and 2000’s serial killer films, then just imagine that mixed with Michael Rooker, JCVD in dual roles, and it actually being about super pseudoscience mumbo jumbo. There are also two scenes involving a prostitute that has to be seen to be believed. They’re deranged. All together that’s a winning combination in my book. 

Hot Take Clam Bake! Since we all decided that Arthur (2011) has to be true to life I guess I’ll just have to drop this hilarious nugget right here: Arthur and Naomi won’t make it. He’s an alcoholic, womanizing asshole. He’s a manchild that used alcohol as a crutch to deal with emotional trauma he never properly dealt with. His mom is still crazy and he’s still involved in the family business. This is not going to end well. To draw a parallel we all will understand, this is very much like Tessa and Hardin in the After series. He’s bad news, guuurl. I know you think you can fix him, but he’s just gonna end up writing a tell all book about your relationship to further his own career. Deal with it. Hot Take Temperature: Hardin Scott.

Patrick?  

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Arthur? Not the classic Arthur, we watched that a few months ago. We’re talking about the one who is allegedly a sexual predator. Let’s go!

Might as well get this out of the way: we chose this prior to the real deal accusations against Russell Brand. Also we set this up prior to it turning out that his alleged predation was specifically concerning his behavior on the set of this film. Amazing.

And a small note about the technological achievement that made this cycle possible. Yeah, I have 40GB of New York Times television listings on my computer. Yeah, I have spent over a year of my life algorithmically and carefully curating that data. It is my legacy. Someday when our AI overlords declare Life Credits for any human-verified Truth Data from their posts on the Elysium Space Station, I’ll be in like Flynn. Front of the gruel line. I’ll have so many Life Credits. Suck it.

Russell Brand somehow someway ends up being kind of … good (?!) in this film. He puts on an affectation that is very Original Arthur, and overall manages to be somewhat charming in a role that even at the time should have been anti-charm. Who would have thunk it.

I was shocked to see Greta Gerwig pop up, completely forgot she was in this. Pretty amusing. She is an okay actor, but apparently a much much better director. Who would have thunk it.

I don’t know why or how Helen Mirren is in this film … is it a weird Oscar play where she galaxy brained herself into thinking history was going to repeat itself with the Supporting Actor win … nah, they probably just paid her a boatload.

Garner is real weird in this film. I guess she manages to pull off being such a weirdo that despite being Jennifer Garner a person would find her utterly repulsive. Good on her.

As for our friend, Replicant (2001), the film is also quite strange. Very very reminiscent of The Watcher which came out only the year before. It feels like, perhaps, people lost their way in the wake of Seven whereby they thought that is what serial killer films now were. The Pledge and The Bone Collector both also come out in this era and both, in their own way, seem to buy into the grunginess instead of the fun of something like Silence of the Lambs in all its meticulous Hannibal Lecter glory. I don’t know. I just know that this one has JCVD mostly playing a mentally slow clone of himself, that clone falls in love with a prostitute in a wild scene, and Rooker yells at and physically abuses him all film like a lunatic. It is not a fun serial killer film, but it is a ridiculous JCVD film. So … your mileage may vary. For me it is a C+.

You know what, I’m going with a left field Product Placement (What?) for the classic Frog and Toad books, which is ridiculous. A classic Setting as a Character (Where?) for New York City. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate twist on a twist for now having him get the girl in the end (until later when he does get the girl). This movie is Bad.

Read about my sequel to the new Arthur in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Angels in the Outfield Recap

Jamie

Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character flapping his arms like a real bozo so dominated my childhood thoughts on this film that it could never possibly live up to my memory of it. I feel like for a solid decade I’d see the actor show up in something and subconsciously be like “yeah, but he flapped his arms real dumb that one time.” The movie appeared in my mind to just be 90 minutes of JGL flapping his arms and then everyone else agreeing that it was cool and flapping their arms too. What’s funny is we’ve seen over the years many teams capitalize on weird baseball mojo trends as they make their way to the coveted World Series win. Rally caps, Cowboy Up, and the Angel’s very own Rally Monkey. None of that changes the simple fact that if anyone anywhere tried to make flapping your arms around the rallying cry of their team it would flop. Rally Monkey it is not.

To recap, JGL is in foster care watching the California Angels stink while he waits for his dad to get his act together. With a washed up manager driving the team into the ground his dad makes an off-hand comment that he’ll come back for him when the Angels win the Pennant. Enter: God. JGL prays and his prayers are answered as a bunch of real angels come down and start helping the team win. When the coach catches wind that this kid appears to see angels helping the team he’s like “meh, we suck and I suck so why not have a fun good luck charm.” Soon JGL is attending most games and tipping the coach on moves to make that might lead to angelic intervention. Soon his life is changing and so are his players. A previously washed up pitcher gets his mojo back and they are on a big time winning streak. Ultimately it doesn’t matter, though, because JGL’s daddio is a deadbeat and gives him up to the state anyway. The owner of the team is also embarrassed when the press publishes details of the coach’s belief in angels. He demands his coach publicly deny believing in angels, which he refuses to do. In the Pennent, the angels reveal they can’t help (it’s too big a game), but the ragtag group is no longer ragtag and ultimately come up victorious on the back of the soon-to-be-dead formerly washed-up pitcher (I’ll talk about that later). After the game the coach reveals he’s adopting JGL and his friend… which is nice. THE END.

For about 70% of this movie we are treated to a straightforward, heart-warming sports story. Sure there is an odd religious bent to it, but why not? It’s about angels. I was sitting there jamming out, enjoying an oddly stacked cast of background characters and sports… then the last thirty minutes of the film happened. First the devious announcer (who is also a reporter?) publishes a story about the manager believing in angels using the anonymous sourcing of a 7-year-old child. It’s so crazy that you can’t believe they could top it. But then the owner is embarrassed by the story and does the press conference forcing the manager to denounce angels… it would be like if when the Rally Monkey was happening there was a story that was like “the manager actually believe the monkey is lucky” and the owner was like “ma gawd, say you don’t believe the monkey… NOW!” Ludicrous. Can’t be topped, right? Wrong. During the subsequent game, the washed up pitcher is pitching a 160 pitch complete game (wow). An angel then pops down, says he can’t help, and off hand mentions to the kid that the dude is dying of advanced cancer… boy. You know how some movies are ruined by a terrible ending. This was BMT saved by one of the most BMT endings of all time. A true miracle. As for Heaven Sent… lol, what? If I didn’t know better I would say this was a pilot for a show being shopped for syndication about the sidekick from UHF helping different people every week as an angel… but I know better and I just know this was a real weird nothing film that also needed to have a bizarro thriller plot thrown in at the end. I will forget this tomorrow.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I just… I really feel like there would be a bit more scrutiny of the coach’s efforts to adopt two children. It appears like this all happens in a matter of a couple weeks. The man is a major league manager and appears to be single. He’s on the road 40% of the year. Prior to the angels going on a winning streak the man was a complete asshole. Everyone hated him. What if they go on a losing streak next year? You can’t rely on the whims of the angels to determine how good a dad this guy is going to be. Feels a bit irresponsible of the state to at least be like “maybe think this over for a week… you know… considering for the last 50 years or so you’ve lived the life of a single, childless asshole.” Hot Take Temperature: Medicine Hat… as in Medicine Hat, Alberta where the coach will be coaching after he doesn’t have the angels to help him out.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Wait a second, are we talking about a Disney kids classic about how religion is good and it isn’t cheating if angels do it because you wished for a real fambly and this is the only way for the hard hearted coach of the Anaheim Angels to Grinch it and adopt two children? Let’s go!

So we need to approach this carefully, because otherwise you might think I think this film is genuinely good. So here’s my best shot.

The first hour of this film is fun and heartfelt and the kid actors are really good. If I was sitting next to a child watching this film I would be like “cool.” If I had to watch it multiple times I think the first hour would get tiresome but there is enough good heartfelt stuff in it that it wouldn’t feel like a total waste of time. You can see why JGL is a star, and also why this works much better than The Mighty Ducks (mainly because The Mighty Ducks is like if Danny Glover was the main character in Angels in the Outfield. Blessedly JGL is and that works better for the majority of the film).

Phew … BUT.

The last thirty minutes of this film goes off the rails.

First, Danny Glover and the radio announcer were former teammates / competitors and have a long running feud mostly concerning the other guy ending Glover’s career, but then Glover is a way better manager in the end. We open the third act with that guy overhearing a literal child go “Angels are real!” and he goes “Aha! I got him! Glover brings the kids to the games because he too thinks angels are real!” Then we have a real scene in a movie where ESPN has, for whatever reason, run with the “Coach Knox thinks angels are real!” story without checking the source (a literal child), and the Angels owner insists on Glover (who is on something absurd like a 30-2 hot streak) having a press conference before the last (and pennant clinching) game to deny the angel story because … maybe he hates God? Hard to tell. Anyways, you got all that?

/deep breath/

Second, the angels aren’t coming (oh no!) but Lloyd helpfully shows up to be like “Oh what? You were waiting on us? But everyone knows angels can’t help in a championship!” (ah I see, you are sportsmen about it). And right before he leaves he looks to Tony Danza (playing a 40 year old washed up pitcher who smokes too much) and he’s like “Oh him? He’s dead in six months, but don’t worry he’ll be an angel … welp, see yah kid!” Totally unnecessary. JGL doesn’t need that in his life during the big game!

/deep breath/

Third, that same 40-year-old who is going to be dead in six months from advanced lung cancer proceeds to pitch a complete game to win the pennant. With the final play involving him snagging a comeback line drive to the pitcher to end the game.

Phew. Those thirty minutes take it from good I’m-not-crying-your-crying territory, to unintentionally hilarious sports film, and back again. I still like it though.

I do someday want to collect all the ways different baseball films have ended though. Major League is on a suicide squeeze, and this is on a line drive at the pitcher. They really didn’t want to do the standard home run or strike out huh?

As for the friend, woooooooooooooooooof. We watched Heaven Sent which was bizarrely close to the same story (angel helping a kid, but during the final scene he says nope, you have to do that yourself). Weirdly good cast with Wilford Brimley in a small role. Otherwise this gets dangerously close to “I could film some of this” territory. Fortunately there are some good set pieces, decent acting from a few of the adults, and it looks quite good at times, so it pulls itself out on occasion. Zero out of five on the racism scale, but that is mainly because it is shot in Salt Lake City and there is nary a non-white person to be seen …oh wait strike that. It is one out of five, there was an Indian convenience store owner that was pretty racist. Dang. Almost there. Regardless this is a true blue F. There might be some heart there, but it isn’t even remotely entertaining and I would flat refuse to ever watch this again if asked.

A real deal sports Product Placement (What?) for the California Angels. And obviously Setting as a Character (Where?) for California. Great MacGuffin (Why?) for the wish to have a fambly, which he didn’t specify so the genie gave him Danny Glover instead of his dad. And finally that same thing is the Worst Twist (How?) for Danny Glover adopting two children despite being a Major League manager, having no girlfriend, and never having kids. This movie is also Good, so we’re on a streak.

Naturally, I need to make a sequel to this a la D2, check it out in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Fools Rush In Recap

Jamie

Originally we were going to pair this film with Return to Savage Beach, an Andy Sidaris film that inexplicably aired just after prime time on Cinemax on September 1st, 1998. I gotta say, 10pm is simply not late enough to put on Return to Savage Beach, which is both hilarious and horrifying in the nude scenes that it puts on display every 5 minutes or so. We swapped it out mostly because I had watched it not that long ago and was hankering for some Die Hard thrills and chills. But if you get a chance you really should partake in some Sidaris action. The films he made became increasingly bizarre and Return to Savage Beach is late in his career. My favorite part was when near the end of the film two characters that haven’t yet had on-screen carnal relations say “I was just imagining something” and we are treated to a daydream of sorts where the characters jointly (?) imagine a sex role playing scenario where one is a cop and the other is a robber and well… anyway…

To recap, Matthew Perry is a workaholic club architect. He’s told by his buddy to take on a short term (but big headache) project in Las Vegas because then he’ll be free to open the NYC club of his dreams later that year. He hates Vegas, but agrees and soon finds himself living alone in LV. One night he meets Selma Hayek, a photographer working the strip, and they have a one night stand. Months later she shows up at his door and reveals that she’s pregnant. Oh my! He’s unsure what to do, but agrees to join her for a family dinner so that at least her family can meet the father of her child, even if it’s just once. Everything about her and her family enchants him and they elope. Her family is enraged, his friends think he’s crazy, and soon his work is suffering as he tries to balance his job with being a good husband to Hayek. Hilarity ensues mostly having to do with Hayek’s extended family and Perry’s own very conservative parents from Connecticut. When he finally gets the club open things start to unravel as his boss wants him to come back to NYC to start the dream project. He’s already promised to stay in Nevada till the baby is born and so when Hayek finds out he’s planning on them moving early she runs away and ends up in the hospital. She informs him that she lost the baby and it’s over and disappears. He heads back to NYC, but soon is seeing all kinds of signs that he is meant to find her. He flies to Mexico where she had been staying with her great-grandmother, but he’s told she’s left to go back to Las Vegas. He flies there just in time to stop her on the Hoover Dam where he finds out that she didn’t lose the baby after all (what a twist!). In fact she’s having it right now. Soon they are parents and smooch. THE END. 

I kept on waiting for the other shoe to drop in this film. When Hayek showed up with the story that she was pregnant I fully assumed this was a lie. That she was using a lie to get her ex-boyfriend off her back (like we saw her doing early in the film). But then when she realized Perry was such a good guy decided to marry him on a whim… It feels like the 90’s version of this film would have that edge. Something that you would look at and be like “yuck, why can’t romantic comedies be like they used to be?” But this isn’t the 90’s version of the film. This film reads much more like a 50’s romantic comedy or something because it’s just sweet through and through. They are both nice people who ultimately want to be with each other and have a family. Yay. Naturally there are some jokes that don’t land and the club he opens is hideous, but I enjoyed this film. Sue me (but don’t because you’ll lose. Liking this film is not against the law… yet). As for Deadly Outbreak, I wanted a Die Hard knockoff and I got one. The one odd aspect was that it is not an American film (it’s made and set in Israel), so it’s a little like a spaghetti western with subpar sound mixing and actors who clearly couldn’t speak english. But it was quite ridiculous, which is the name of the game. Some crazy stunts near the end as well. I just won’t mention how pretty much every film we watch for Bring a Friend has to involve a rape of some kind. Not sure why they feel the need to include that in every movie.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Maybe, and hear me out, maybe Hayek did lie. Yeah, she wasn’t pregnant at the beginning of the film at all. Like I thought, she just wanted her ex to stop bugging her and so she said she was pregnant and snatched up Perry. Of course! And that’s why they had to get married, so that they could have sex on their wedding night and she could get pregnant then! What a cunning ruse. He’s a workaholic so he probably doesn’t even notice that her pregnancy is mega-long. He’d think for a moment “wait, wasn’t she pregnant for like 12 months?” but then he’ll remember that his really super cool dolphin themed club that he’s opening in Reno next month has a whole VIP area dedicated to the 12 month gestation period of the dolphin. “Dolphins, humans, what’s the difference?” he’ll think, and shrug. Hot Take Temperature: Club Dolphino.  

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about another Matthew Perry romantic comedy, but this time he isn’t a horrible unlikable person, but instead is merely a workaholic obsessed with hot dogs? Let’s go!

I distinctly remember watching this film as a kid. And I think only because it was the first time I heard of Grey’s Papaya. And in my mind I was like “Oh dang, those must be such good hot dogs.” And then I went to New York and had one and I was like “huh … wait, was that an advertisement or some weird writer’s quirk and Grey’s Papaya is just like … normal hot dogs?” Write in and tell me: Is Grey’s Papaya just a tourist thing that Fools Rush In tricked me about, or is it a genuinely above average dog?

This film is pretty sweet. There is a reason Ebert gave it 3 stars. It is pretty heartfelt. Both main characters are fairly appealing. They are just on the right side of being an “odd couple” that it makes sense that it might work in an opposite attract kind of way, but also that it might not as a culture clash. Why did people not like it?

“Take away the ethnic/pregnancy angles, and we’ve seen this premise countless times,” aka “take away the premise of the film and you don’t have a film!” Thanks USA Today. The rest of the bad reviews are kind of the same. “[Look to] Fools Rush In to see a basic romantic comedy where opposites try to attract and find an unlikely happy ending.” That’s the consensus … like yeah? And? This is when Ebert’s “good for what it is” attitude made sense, when critics were crawling all over each other trying to tear apart Fools Rush In because it dares to not be profound and challenging.

There’s plenty to not like about the film. Arguably racist (although only a 2 out of 5 Soldier Boyz I think), people making some horrible decisions, seems like a weird advert for multiple products, a nonsensical and contrived ending. Plenty. Still liked it though.

Peak Selma Hayak is up there with peak J-Lo for being “almost too beautiful” in my opinion. Like it almost doesn’t make sense. They play it up too, Matthew Perry has multiple scenes of just staring at her, mouth agape.

As for the Friend this week we watched the Jeff Speakman classic Deadly Outbreak. Wait … what’s that now? Yeah, a weird martial arts film from a master of American Kenpo. Speakman basically had bit parts in a few other films (e.g. in Lionheart he is “Mansion Security Man”), then he goes on a streak of four martial arts films he stars in. This was his last, but we’ll watch the others eventually I think. He’s fairly charismatic, maybe on par with JCVD and Seagal. And his martial arts are actually quite good, using insanely fast blocks and punches. The Perfect Weapon has an almost implausibly large box office take, so he did get his shot. I would have to watch that to see just how it fumbled such that his big budget career pretty much ended there. Had the same director as Kickboxer (and ended the director’s directorial career as well). Anyways, this film? Really weird stuff that is a borderline advertisement for the Israeli military? Has good action, but ultimately feels long and boring. Naturally, as I’ve come to expect, they feel the need to involve attempted rape as a signal that the bad guys are bad. Great. I think this is like a C+. Reasonably entertaining, but nothing I’d ever return to. I think it is a zero out of five Soldier Boyz on the racism scale.

This is definitely a great Product Placement (What?) for Las Vegas, but also weirdly Grey’s Papaya. Setting as a Character (Where?) for Las Vegas for sure, but also Mexico and New York I suppose. Amazing Secret Holiday Film (When?) for the film starting on Christmas, a big scene occurring during Cinco de Mayo, and the transition to act three occurring on July 4th precisely. I think a Worst Twist (How?) for them accidentally getting divorced and remarried at the end of the film. I think this movie is definitely Good.

Go to the Quiz to hear about the sequel I have planned. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Expend4bles Recap

Jamie

Disaster! Now that I have your attention I think this is an appropriate forum to further discuss the steady decline in available BMT films entering our BMT Treasure Chest (BMTTC). From time immemorial we have used a simple calculation to differentiate wheat from chaff. A rottentomatoes score <40%  (because let’s face it, 60% is far too high… that’s a crazy number) and the requirement that the film was a “wide release” (typically >600 theaters, although we’ve at times gone with a more qualitative “vibes” based approach). Recent events, however, have conspired against us. This is likely because our vast bad movie funds and legions of fans have put the fear of god into movie studios across the globe and they’ve banded together to foil us. How? By making only good movies? No! By releasing fewer and fewer movies to theaters and then paying reviewers to give good reviews to the crap that do make it that far (the views of the author do not reflect the views of BMTCorp). Fiends! In all seriousness, we actually are heading for a breaking point and I think we really would have had to consider some changes to our rulez if Expend4bles hadn’t qualified. But boy did it ever. It’s still a horrible sign that the BMT Live! films this year consisted of two Jason Statham sequels and a Liam Neeson film (plus the dino flick, 65). Feels like we are playing in an ever shrinking pool. But we persist and we survive and Expend4bles means we can put off such drastic rulez changez for another year. Yay!

To recap! Barney Ross is back, Jack! And so is Lee Christmas. They are getting the “gang” back together, which really means they have two old timers (Dolph Lundgren and Randy Couture) plus a bunch of randos like 50 Cent. They are tasked with flying into Libya to prevent a terrorist named Suarto from getting his hands on some nuclear weapons and delivering them to the big bad, Ocelot. They punch and kick and shoot real hard, but it’s not enough. Not only do they lose the warheads, but Barney is shot down and definitely dies for sure. No chance Sly Stallone survived the plane crash. Because if there’s one thing I know about Sly it’s that he loves to pass his franchises onto the next generation. Everyone is sad (because Sly definitely died) and Christmas gets even sadder when he’s informed by their government handler, Marsh, that he’s off the team and his GF, Megan Fox, is taking over. After planting a tracking device on Fox, Christmas tracks them to a tanker in the Pacific Ocean with the help of former Expendable, Decha. When they get onto the tanker, though, it’s a trap! All the Expendables are captured and Marsh is forced to negotiate for the release of a prisoner who can identify Ocelot. When Christmas arrives the Expendables have already escaped so they all team up to take down Suarto. However, when the prisoner arrives it’s revealed that Marsh is Ocelot (what a twist!). All the expendables leave the boat, which is set to explode and spark a war, while Christmas stays behind to try to turn the boat around. Just when it appears all is lost and Marsh’s plan will succeed, Sly Stallone arrives (what a double twist!). Turns out he just faked his death to lure out Ocelot (who could have guessed?). He kills Marsh with a helicopter, scoops up Christmas, and sinks the tanker to reduce the impact of the explosion (all in about 20 seconds). They then celebrate good times. THE END. 

Wooooooow. And I thought the third film was bad. This is basically not a film. At times gross. At other times super dumb. Always terrible looking. This film really exemplifies what has become a common theme in BMT: Jason Statham is game. Doesn’t matter what the script is or what you have him do. That check clears and he’s ready to sell whatever line you are having him say. The acting in this is terrible and the twists are inane. Never for one moment did I believe Sly Stallone was actually dead. Why? He is famous for forcing people to pry franchises out of his grip. You think he’s giving up Expendables? Get out of here. I just really can’t express my pleasure in watching this terrible, terrible movie. It’s gives me BMT hope for our BMT future. My one concern? This still ended up at 14% on RT. This is a <10% film if I’ve ever seen one. 

Hot Take Clam Bake! Sly Stallone actually did die in the film. “Barney” who showed up at the end was actually his twin brother. That’s the mega-twist of the film. That Barney was a secret twin and that secret twin, let’s call him Rarney, is even more badass. You know what? I’m starting to vibe with this super-secret twin film. Expend4bles? More like Twin-pendables. Let’s make them all twins. Technology can do anything! We’re going to live foreeevvveeerrrrrrrr. Hot Take Temperature: Sizzling Megan Fox/Statham sex scene.

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about ancient Methuselah Stallone showing up for, oh say, 15% of a film and then pawning off the rest to BMT Legend Jason Statham? Hell ye4h we 4re! Let’s go!

I will say it again: don’t you dare allow Jason Statham anywhere near his natural habitat of water. He’ll Olympic dive right into your stupid face.

Right off the top, and I don’t know if other people noticed this, but this film basically doesn’t have a soundtrack. It is mostly scored. There are songs on occasion, but they are mostly played for jokes (Some Blue Oyster Cult during the not-funeral which Statham makes light of, and, naturally, some 50 Cent they got for free). I guess my point is, if there was ever a movie which demanded some sick tunes in the action scenes, this one is it, and yet … really nothing. Bizarre. I think my actual point is: is this the cheapest film of all time. What did they spend any money on?

Could anything have been more telegraphed than Stallone not actually dying in the beginning. God forbid they do something daring or interesting in these films like let someone die a plot advancing death.

Megan Fox is awful, but so is everyone else. She did do that flippy thing where she like jumps on a person and spins around them for the take down. It is like an obligation at this point.

This entire film is kind of an obligation now that I think about it.

Half the film takes place, ultimately, on a rather silly tanker set with way too wide of hallways, and it looks dumb (aka like a set).

And then in the end there is a different dumb twist where Andy Garcia was the bad guy all along, who would have thunk it?

Oh and of course Stallone comes back and details how he killed a man in cold blood for funsies, and everyone laughs and laughs and laughs.

This film is aggressively dumb, and the only regret is that it did so poorly it is almost certain that the planned sequels won’t be made or, if they are, they’ll Escape Plan it and they’ll be sold off to VOD. Which is all the worse for the long term BMT health. In reality, to put this in terms we all understand: Meg 2: The Trench is a Happy Statham for BMT because it made a lot of money so they’ll probably make Meg 3 and it’ll probably also be bad. Expend4bles on the other hand is a Sad Statham for BMT because it made no money and so it won’t be fruitful and multiply creating little BMT sequels for us to watch.

I guess for Expendable5 we’ll just have to cross that bridge. Maybe by then we’ll have to unveil our new criteria to allow for 52 films to actually qualify instead of the paltry 22 so far. We had 23 last year. We haven’t had a full 52+ BMT slate since 2017, and I have a feeling we’ll hit 10 years quite easily by that metric.

I do love an odd Product Placement (What?) and this time you can see quite a few advertisements for Helix Vodka sprinkled in the film which is kind of funny. As for Setting as a Character (Where?) why are so many Statham films vaguely set around Thailand, ultimately though this ends up being set around the easternmost tip of Russia. Obviously you need a sweet MacGuffin (Why?) in the form of an actual genuine undisarmable nuke. And a double dose of Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal of Garcia as the big bad, and Stallone as not having died. This film is oh so so so so Bad.

Read about my idea for Expendable5: Esc4ape Plan in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Leviathan Recap

Jamie

I was initially jazzed to check out the New York Times for the day that Leviathan was released. I presumed I’d get maybe a double page ad with quotes and cool images, but no. Just a single page and it’s kind of terrible:

One question: why? Nothing about that is cool or attractive. Which is ironic because the one interesting thing about Leviathan in the paper is the review. Interesting because it’s actually pretty good. Compares it very favorably to Deepstar Six, which I don’t think I’ve seen (mistake). Ironic because the punchline of the review is “Survival of the Prettiest.” God I love old school newspaper movie reviews. Stuff a bunch of film buffs into a theater to watch Leviathan and then have them write 300 words about it. We have to go back.

To recap, Peter Weller is a geologist tasked with wringing some money out of a deepsea mining operation. He is on the verge of success and the company is thrilled. Unfortunately, the miners are less thrilled with this nerd alert raining on their parade. A few days before they have to surface one of the miners trips down a canyon and finds a wrecked Russian ship. It’s all very confusing because there is no record of the ship sinking in Russian logs and amongst the stuff they find is a video suggesting that some terrible medical event occurred. Everything is quarantined, but one of the hard partying miners snags a Russian flask for himself. That’s a mistake because once he and a fellow miner down the vodka they become violently ill and begin to genetically transform. While the rest of them hurry to finish the mining operation, the two miners die from the illness. But that’s not all, soon they awaken in monstrous form and begin to merge into one big amorphous sea creature. Weller attempts to hide this event from the rest of the crew, but as they attempt to eject the monster from the rig they all discover what’s going on. Everyone is kind of freaking out. They run around a bunch, things burst out of peoples’ chests, etc. etc. etc. Everything falls apart and everyone dies except Weller and his lady love, Willie. They also find out the mining company is ready to abandon them and declare them dead. Not so fast, because Weller and Willie don their underwater suits and surface. They battle the monster and some sharks one last time before blowing the creature to smithereens. He then punches out the head of the company and smooches his lady… hard. THE END.

Helllll yeah, Leviathan is some fun stuff. Like Iron Eagle it’s a straight rip-off of multiple blockbusters (Alien and The Thing most prominently), but some decent effects go a long way to papering all that over. We got monster effects, some underwater effects, and a big ol’ sci-fi set that is fun to look at. It certainly lags here and there (and really wants you to care that the people on the rig might not get their money), but ultimately it hits at the right moments for me to be into it. Probably the biggest ding against it is the end of the movie. Once they get to the surface it briefly transforms into a 70’s flick with bad effects and a bunch of sharks for no reason. It’s weird. Anyway, if it had been made just five years later I’m guessing it would have ended up straight-to-video, but I’m glad it didn’t. As for The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck, the less said the better, probably. It’s not the worst thing ever, but it’s lazy. It’s definitely supposed to have its tongue planted in its cheek, but it’s shot so rotely that it’s hard to tell. Don’t know if Keith took over directing duties to get the film made or chose it as a Keith auteur vehicle, but either way makes sense this was his last (substantial) effort.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m gonna say it, I think Peter Weller was behind the whole thing. No, not inventing the Monster Disease, but rather using his big ol’ brain to know exactly how to set everything up for him and his lady love to escape to the surface after satisfying their mining contract. You think that company is leaving all that sweet, sweet ore at the bottom of the ocean. No way. And once they bring it up Weller will be sitting there ready to cash in. It’s a classic corrupt cop situation. Weller has spent his days being a low-paying geologist. When is it his time to get the money reserved for those he helps? Now, that’s when. So when they find that disease he sees his shot. Let a big dumbo grab the diseased liquor and it’s off to the races, and off to Moneytown, USA (population: Peter Weller). Hot Take Temperature: the blue heat of Meg Foster’s eyes.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about The Abyss?! … nope, wait. Are we talking about The Thing?! … wait, no, it isn’t that either. Are we talking about Alien?! … shoot, not that either. What the hell are we talking about? Oh right, Leviathan. Distinction without a difference init? Let’s go!

Hey look at us, I think this film is legit a zero out of five on the how-you-say Soldier Boyz racism scale. Congrats.

I actually liked this film, but I will reiterate: this is one of the most derivative films I’ve ever seen. It is just straight up a Thing and Alien mash-up set under the sea. But it has solid practical effects and is just ultimately pretty fun.

It is a smorgasbord of 90s shlock masters too. Peter Weller? Ernie Hudson? Throw in some Hector Elizondo and Daniel Stern and baby you got a stew cooking.

And gimme all that sweet “corporations and inherently evil entities willing to sacrifice their workers for a buck (and probably a weapon to sell to some equally evil military/industrial minded country)” junk. Inject it directly in my veins, even if it is just pure uncut Paul-Reiser-in-Alien. Yeah … there isn’t an original bone in this horrific monster fish’s body.

Oh yeah, and as Jamie said the ending is crazy. All of a sudden they are like “Hooray we are saved! … oh no there are sharks! … oh no the monster is also here and Ernie Hudson is dead! … well I’ll blow up the monster! … Hooray we are saved!” It is a little like they didn’t quite know how to end the film when they had it right there: have it end with them going up to the surface, and have them break the surface to a shining sun. Get it? They lived and they know the company tried to screw them. C’mon guys, I’m tearing up here, let’s get a Sklog Cut with that ending as the only change.

As for the friend this week … sigh. The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck. Let’s just get this out of the way: This is a solid three or four on the how-you-say Soldier Boyz racism scale. I think it has to be a four, I think there is someone in black face in this film although I couldn’t swear by it. Also, I don’t know what the deal with 90s schlock is with rape, but someone gets raped or almost raped in every film. It makes it very hard to enjoy these films when sexual assault and racism are put front and center as motivations for our garbage “hero” to kill people. That being said: this movie is also poorly made, and the acting is dire. It is like David Keith saw Indiana Jones and was like “I could do that, what is it really? A garbage drunk cracking wise and slaying ladies? I can do that.” And then he just made River of Death with Michael Dudikoff, added in some jokes and rape and went “nailed it.” You didn’t nail it David Keith. Not even close. Hell, River of Death didn’t even nail it! I have to give it a D. The action would be kind of fun. You know … without the racism and rape.

Good Product Placement (What?) for Pepsi which for some reason on a private underwater lab just has vending machines around. I’m going to give this an Unlikely Setting (Where?) for simply “underwater” which I unironically love. I think this is potentially an A+ MacGuffin (Why?) for the sunken ship Leviathan and the unintended evil it contained. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the obvious reveal that the evil corporation is, it turns out, evil. I think this is a Good and nothing you say will make me change my mind!

Read about my sweet sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs