Tag: cycle: soorry

Clifford Recap

Jamie

At times Patrick and I have been fascinated by different aspects of the NY Times TV listings. One such interest was the HMS primetime block. HBO, MAX (Cinemax) and SHO (Showtime) would almost always show a film starting at 8pm. So you could get a surefire movie marathon by just looking at a random day. But September 1st, 1995 isn’t random (it’s when Clifford and Ski School played on TV together, obviously) and it almost hits a BMT Triple with Police Academy: Mission to Moscow on Cinemax, Getting Even with Dad on Showtime, and Black Rain on HBO. Black Rain is just a little too mediocre for our tastes. But that’s a tasty triple feature. It could have even hit a coveted Grand Slam as the Emilio Estevez stinker Wisdom was playing on basic cable at 8pm (in the NYC area). Oh how I’ve begged that we watch Wisdom for BMT. The film is the worst.

To recap, Martin is a successful architect ready to settle down with his GF Sarah. Unfortunately, he’s been too shortsighted to realize that Sarah wants kids and it’s a dealbreaker. In order to convince her of his seriousness about kids he takes his brother up on an offer to take care of his nephew, Clifford. Turns out Clifford is a sociopathic monster dead set on ruining the lives of anyone who stands in the way between him and his beloved Dinosaur World. It should all go swimmingly, especially since Martin also happens to have designed the premier ride at Dino World. But, uh oh! Martin’s boss has his eyes set on both Sarah and making Martin’s life hell. Bogged down with a boatload of work Martin has to break it to Clifford that they won’t make it to DW. Clifford? Unamused. Hijinks? Ensuing. First Clifford tries to run away. Then he ruins a big anniversary dinner for Sarah’s parents. He gets Martin arrested, tricks him into taking a train to SF, throws a big party in Martin’s house, and then convinces Sarah that Martin has been mistreating him. This all culminates in Clifford sabotaging Martin’s big presentation at work, which gets him fired. Driven insane, Martin takes Clifford to Dino World after hours and tortures him by forcing him to go on his favorite ride at increasingly dangerous speed. When the ride breaks, Martin realizes how wrong he’s been and saves Clifford. We are then told that ultimately, after much pleading, Martin forgave Clifford and let him be part of Sarah and his wedding. THE END.

We’ve been watching a lot of films from our youth recently (The Great Outdoors better watch out). I’m always curious to find out whether something I have fond memories of has curdled with time. I’d actually say that Clifford came out largely unscathed in the sense that as a kid I enjoyed Martin Short’s antics as a grown man pretending to be a little boy. As an adult I still think it’s an amusing visual gag. If you’re not in on that joke, though, then he’s super annoying, in your face 100% of the time, and it’s just the same joke over and over. But really the standout for me was something I didn’t appreciate at all as a kid: the final scene at Dino World. It’s amazing! They built a giant Dino roller coaster set and made some beautiful matte backdrops for the climax of the film and you have to give them credit for that. I guess I shouldn’t oversell the movie, which is admittedly mostly devoid of laughs, but given how brutal the reviews were I’d say that it’s better than a totally unfunny annoyance.

As for Ski School, buckle up… I loved this movie. It’s the kind of T&A comedy I’m here for. They are in on the joke. They try to be serious at times and then turn to the camera and say ‘nah’ and go right back to partying. How do they get in trouble? Partying. How do they cope with their fall from grace? Partying. How do they win the day? Partying. It’s just a beautiful piece of fluff. I could do without the intense gay panic scene, but… it was a different time. Overall, this is what the Bring a Friend category was made for. L-O-V-E-D I-T.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I didn’t mention much about the bookends of the film. It’s Clifford in 2050 telling the tale of his youth in order to convince a trouble maker to reform his ways and learn to apologize. My take? This is all bullshit. None of the film actually happened. The old priest or monk or whatever we see is indeed Clifford, but the story never happened. He was a good boy who grew up to be a good man who has one bad characteristic: he lies to little boys about his own life to convince them to be good. In fact, I bet Clifford 2 would open with the end of this film and then he’d turn around, find another kid, and make up some other bullshit. Hot Take Temperature: Hot Fiery Breath of Larry the Scary Rex.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Martin Short playing a 10-year-old and doing … no wait, I think that is the one joke in the entire film. Let’s go!

The reviews for this film are vicious. Ebert’s entire review is basically that he was in a theater full of critics and not one (other) person laughed. He apparently laughed once and then he thinks someone else laughed at him laughing once.

I don’t think it is quite so bad. The deconstruction of Grodin throughout the film as it slowly dawns on him that he’s dealing with a genuine 10-year-old sociopath sometimes enters the sublime, in particular the moment that he demands that Clifford look at him like “a real human boy” and is flabbergasted when he is unable to do it.

And the little moments where Clifford’s eyes go completely blank shows off what Short would eventually perfect as he went through Glick and other characters over the years.

The main issue (besides the film not actually being funny very often) is that they pick up and drop storylines so often that it is obvious that they edited this thing to pieces as Orion went under. You never see Clifford’s family again. They very rarely touch on Clifford being a genius (even though it is obvious that that is necessary for the story to make sense). There is no explanation of how Grodin got out of his bomb threat, or what happened to his job, or the amusement park. There is just an odd bookend which ultimately gives everyone a happy ending. You never see Grodin’s father-in-law again, even during the wedding scene, despite them making a big deal about him hating Grodin. And most egregiously, they never once mention the house Grodin bought in the beginning of the film … I suppose we are to believe he ultimately sold it?

If I were to attempt to “fix” a bit of the film, I would get rid of the bookends and instead open with something that shows how similar Grodin and Clifford are, something about them both working on something, but Grodin’s is the model he’s building, and Clifford’s is a giant model of Dinosaur World. At the end, after Grodin saves Clifford, I would then show him forgiving Clifford, and ultimately selling the house and marrying his girlfriend. I would end with a grown up Clifford voiceover saying he didn’t see his uncle much after that because they soon had a kid … and that he was even worse than him. Ultimately setting up the possibility of a sequel where Short plays Grodin’s now 10-year-old child who is (effectively) Clifford as well.

The movie as it stands is basically a bad-to-mediocre SNL movie. It is a sketch which you can imagine sustaining 2 minutes of a “comedic bad seed” premise as Clifford makes awkward comments and frustrates his father / uncle / guardian for a short time at a dinner / amusement park / museum. And then overstaying his welcome in the 5 or 6 sketches as they run out of ideas for places for Clifford to go. They then make a 90 minute movie which boils down to a single joke: Martin Short is a 10-year-old. That’s it, there isn’t much else to it, and the “sketch” is often not funny beyond this single simple premise.

Lucky for us we got to watch a genuinely amusing Friend this week in Ski School. Sure, there are problematic aspects to any film of the T&A Porky’s era. Some serious gay panic and non-serious female characters. But overall the film was fun and Dean Cameron was pretty incredible. One of the more amusing segments was the characters teaching everyone the Lambada (the Forbidden Dance!) which indeed, was a big deal in the late 80s when this was made, and a year later there would be not one, but two Lambada films (called Lambada and The Forbidden Dance, naturally). Would recommend to pair with the It’s Always Sunny episode (also starring Dean Cameron) where they go skiing, one of the best episodes of the series. A+, I would watch friends like these all day.

I kind of like the idea that there is Product Placement (What?) for Amtrak which allows Grodin to get to San Francisco toot sweet. Definitely Setting as a Character (Where?) for L.A. which gets a lot of play in the house he buys and also as a stopover on the way from Chicago to Hawaii. And I like the borderline MacGuffin (Why?) for Dinosaur World, which is Clifford’s motivation throughout the film. Closest to Bad unfortunately, it just doesn’t have enough jokes to really sustain itself.

Read about the Clifford sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Clifford Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I was taking care of my 10-year-old nephew (who looks 40, long story), and it turns out he’s a psycho (clinically). He smashed my head in with a brick when I told him I had to postpone a trip we had planned. Now I can’t remember a thing (including our plans, he’s furious!). Do you remember what happened in Clifford?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the beginning of the film Clifford is an old old man in 2050 and trying to help a wayward youth (like he once was) to realize that being intelligent doesn’t mean you can manipulate people and get your way, that forgiveness is the way to earn the respect and love of those around you. Anyways, what crime did the little boy commit that he’s trying to help out?

2) Flashback to a story about Clifford as a 10-year-old. He’s on a plane with his awful parents just as it passes Dinosaur World (hooray!). Naturally Clifford causes an in-flight emergency that necessitates an emergency landing. Where was the plane headed though initially?

3) Well, lucky for Clifford’s parents his uncle is in town and (coincidentally) looking for a young boy to take care of to prove to his girlfriend that he is a family man. What is Martin’s job? What is his girlfriend’s job?

4) Clifford does four things to embarrass Martin at his future-father-in-law’s house in increasing aggravation. Name all four.

5) Naturally, once Clifford blows up Martin’s model, Martin goes insane and attempts to murder Clifford at Dinosaur World. What does Clifford do to ultimately earn the forgiveness of Martin?

Bonus: Question: At the end of the film old man Clifford walks away from the home for wayward youths a happy man … but oh ho, he gets a call. From whom?

Answers

Clifford Preview

Jamie and Patrick are dropped back at the Apologies Tour brought to you by Tim Horton’s. Metaphorical Kyle says some final words but Jamie and Patrick aren’t listening. It’s time to pound some dweebs, not time to listen to some ghost. They look around at the concert and are shocked to see most of the audience are either asleep in their seats or teetering on the edge of exhaustion. “How long have we been gone?” they mumble and Metaphorical Kyle indicates that it’s been about two days since they left. They look back at the stage and marvel at Pitbull still going strong. “No wonder they call him Mr. Worldwide,” Jamie says and they all laugh and laugh. Once they finish laughing they get back to the task at hand. As they head backstage they are startled to find that the Dudikoff’s are already there, arms full of merchandise and cash from the boffo box office. Matt McGoo must have warned them in the time they were gone. Fucking Matt McGoo. The Dudikoff’s drop their ill-gotten gains and stick their hands in the air. “You got us, Bad Movie Twins. Do your worst,” Drake says with a quavering voice. “You wanted to be our fathers,” Jamie and Parick say, “But you’ll never be.” With that they lunge towards the Dudikoff’s and embrace them in a hug. “But you’ve helped us realize that we need to get past the Bakulas and Dudikoffs of the world. So, thank you.” 

A week later they stand nervously at the door of a fancy ski chalet. They ring the bell and shuffle their feet as they hear the noise echo out through the cavernous interior. The door opens and there stands a butler. “Clifford,” Jamie and Patrick acknowledge. “Sirs,” Clifford says and shows them in. That’s right! We are going back to another classic in Clifford starring Martin Short as a 10-year-old menace. It was a film I had a real fondness for as a kid, but only later realized that people kind of hated it. We pair that with Ski School, a true blue T&A comedy (and not the Summer Job kind of dreck), so I’m pretty excited about it. Let’s go!

Clifford (1994) – BMeTric: 37.2; Notability: 50

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.0%; Notability: top 8.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 14.5%; Higher BMeT: Street Fighter, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, Junior, The Next Karate Kid, Double Dragon, It’s Pat: The Movie, On Deadly Ground, The Flintstones, North, The Fantastic Four, Leprechaun 2, 3 Ninjas Kick Back, Exit to Eden, In the Army Now, Color of Night, Richie Rich, Car 54, Where Are You?, Getting Even with Dad, Beverly Hills Cop III, Blank Check, and 20 more; Higher Notability: The Flintstones, Wyatt Earp, The Shadow, Beverly Hills Cop III, Love Affair, Ready to Wear, North, I Love Trouble, Radioland Murders, The Pagemaster, Little Giants, Exit to Eden, Street Fighter, Drop Zone, D2: The Mighty Ducks, On Deadly Ground, Speechless, Junior, The Scout, The Puppet Masters; Lower RT: Death Wish: The Face of Death, Wagons East, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, It’s Pat: The Movie, House Party 3, The Silence of the Hams, Holy Matrimony, Erotique, Car 54, Where Are You?, Getting Even with Dad, A Low Down Dirty Shame, Major League II, Exit to Eden, Lightning Jack, Leprechaun 2, In the Army Now, The Next Karate Kid, Trial by Jury, Blank Check, Intersection, and 14 more; Notes: I’m going to use this space to point out the NYT Review for Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (played 52 times, “Help yourself”) and Silence of the Hams (played 11 times, “Help yourself”). That’s right, both have the key phrase “Help yourself.” Stay tuned. There might be a cycle here. A 50 notability for Clifford is amazing, but also makes sense, it seemed to be a major comedy of 1990 … and yeah, it was shelved for a while. 

RogerEbert.com – 0.5 stars – To return to the underlying causes for the movie’s failure: What we have here is a suitable case for deep cinematic analysis. I’d love to hear a symposium of veteran producers, marketing guys and exhibitors discuss this film. It’s not bad in any usual way. It’s bad in a new way all its own. There is something extraterrestrial about it, as if it’s based on the sense of humor of an alien race with a completely different relationship to the physical universe. The movie is so odd, it’s almost worth seeing just because we’ll never see anything like it again. I hope.

(I think that is a thumbs down. This review is pretty funny, arguably funnier than the movie. He’s 100% right, the film is mostly aggravating, not traditionally funny, which makes me wonder if it was merely 15 years early.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNF-yVRGnsI/

(It is a little stunning how much of a no-laugh trash comedy this apparently is all things considered. Like, the bit where Grodin is like “look at me like a human boy” is genuinely funny. I always want to think something like this was ahead of its time, but I think me as a 10 year old watching it on Comedy Central just probably accepted “an adult man playing a child in a movie” was 100% all that was needed to create a successful comedy film. Objectively funny concept = definitely funny film, right? In reality I’m sure it runs like a 90 minute SNL skit (which it basically is. Although SCTV instead of SNL).)

Directors – Paul Flaherty – ( Future BMT: Who’s Harry Crumb?; 18 Again!; BMT: Clifford; Notes: Nominated for 14 Emmys, won three times (for SCTV twice, and Muppets Tonight). Obviously worked closely with Short including on Primetime Glick.)

Writers – William Porter – ( Known For: Avenging Angelo; Krystal; The Space Between; Black Cadillac; Stealing Cars; Notes: TMDb only knows him as Will Aldis, but he seemed to have written under a number of pen names over the years. He is credited on Back to School and Stealing Home on IMDb for example. I think Porter is his real name.)

Steven Kampmann – ( Known For: Back to School; Future BMT: Stealing Home; The Couch Trip; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for WKRP in Cincinnati. Was credited for this as Bobby von Hayes. Worked on SCTV and closely with Rodney Dangerfield.)

Actors – Martin Short – ( Known For: Mars Attacks!; Three Amigos!; Father of the Bride; Innerspace; Treasure Planet; The Prince of Egypt; Inherent Vice; Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted; The Addams Family; The Spiderwick Chronicles; Frankenweenie; Get Over It; Father of the Bride Part II; Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius; The Willoughbys; Mack & Rita; The Big Picture; Mumford; Jiminy Glick in Lalawood; Cross My Heart; Future BMT: Captain Ron; We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story; Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil; The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause; A Simple Wish; Three Fugitives; Pure Luck; The Pebble and the Penguin; BMT: Jungle 2 Jungle; Clifford; Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return; Notes: He’s had several levels to his career. SCTV, then as a pretty big movie star, then things like Jiminy Glick, and now Only Murders in the Building. He also went on tour with Steve Martin. He’s been nominated for 16 Emmys, and won for writing SCTV and for a special tribute to Mel Brooks.)

Charles Grodin – ( Known For: Rosemary’s Baby; King Kong; Midnight Run; So I Married an Axe Murderer; Heaven Can Wait; 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea; Catch-22; While We’re Young; Heart and Souls; Dave; The Heartbreak Kid; The Great Muppet Caper; Seems Like Old Times; The Humbling; An Imperfect Murder; Sunburn; Last Resort; The Lonely Guy; It Runs in the Family; It’s My Turn; Future BMT: Beethoven; The Woman in Red; Beethoven’s 2nd; The Comedian; Taking Care of Business; The Ex; The Incredible Shrinking Woman; The Couch Trip; BMT: Clifford; Ishtar; Notes: One of those comedy legends who became famous for a younger generation as the guy in Beethoven. Won an Emmy for The Paul Simon Special in 1978. Died in 2021 of cancer.)

Mary Steenburgen – ( Known For: The Help; What’s Eating Gilbert Grape; Book Club: The Next Chapter; Nightmare Alley; Step Brothers; The Proposal; Philadelphia; Book Club; Parenthood; Back to the Future Part III; Elf; Powder; A Walk in the Woods; Inland Empire; The One I Love; Happiest Season; Last Vegas; Life as a House; The Discovery; Nixon; Future BMT: I Am Sam; Four Christmases; The Butcher’s Wife; Nobel Son; Romantic Comedy; BMT: Did You Hear About the Morgans?; Clifford; Notes: Won an OScar for Melvin and Howard, also nominated for an Emmy for The Attic. Is famously married to Ted Danson, as seen on Curb Your Enthusiasm where she is, in fact, happily divorced from Ted Danson (last I checked).)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $7,408,745 (Worldwide: $7,408,745)

(That is quite low. For the 90s I would imagine you’d be looking for like 30 or 40 for a successful comedy. And given the stellar cast that has to be a loss.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 13% (4/31): Ill-conceived and desperately unfunny, Clifford stars Martin Short as a 10-year-old boy. You read that correctly. That’s the joke.

(I mean … pretty funny joke. For an SCTV sketch. Which is probably how it all started anyways.)

NYT Short Review: Man as boy in devil’s clothing. Less lethal version of the bad seed. More stunt than movie, and stolen by Grodin.

Poster – Clifford and his Big Bad Dad

(Oh. My. God. A+++++++++++++. This is as close to BMT perfection as we’ve gotten since The Avengers 1998. Everything about this is grotesque.)

Tagline(s) – A comedy with a lot of laughs. And a ten-year-old terror. (F)

Uncle Martin is suffering from a little problem… (D)

(These are both horrible. The second is at least playing a little with the word “little”… but that’s about it.)

Keyword(s) – canada

Top 10: Suicide Squad (2016), The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009)

Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.7 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 74.0 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.2 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 69.0 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.9 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Animal (2001), Halloween II (2009),… (and many more)

Best Options (daddio): 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 49.2 My Girl 2 (1994), 41.5 Speed Zone (1989), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 37.1 Clifford (1994), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 34.1 Father Hood (1993), 30.3 Who’s Harry Crumb? (1989), 20.7 Mad City (1997), 20.1 Art School Confidential (2006), 19.1 Folks! (1992), 17.8 Brewster’s Millions (1985)

(As you can see we had a few options, but the fact that I’ve seen 20% of Clifford on television 100 times means that I really needed to actually watch it straight through once. By which I mean in four pieces on Tubi while waiting for programs to run.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Martin Short is No. 1 billed in Clifford and No. 2 billed in Jungle 2 Jungle, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 9 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (9 + 1) = 13. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Martin Short’s co-stars are usually standing on boxes and next to slightly oversize props.

The writers of the film, Steven Kampmann and William Porter, were so embarrassed by the final cut that they used pseudonyms as onscreen credit, as well as the film’s marketing and publicity.

Martin Short, who plays 10 year-old Clifford, was 37 years old during initial filming in 1990 and age 40 during the priest bookend sequences filmed in 1993.

Although planned for a 1991 release, this was one of several films released by Orion Pictures in 1994, just before their bankruptcy.

The movie was re-edited and re-shot before its 1994 theatrical release, including bookend scenes with Martin Short as an elderly Clifford, now a reformed priest, who tries to prevent a boarding school student, played by Ben Savage, from running away and telling a story to him about his mischievous childhood. These scenes were shot around 1993, three years after the original shoot was completed.

Once Bitten Recap

Jamie

It’s January 30th, 1991. You glance at the front page of the New York Times, but you aren’t here to marvel at the good and bad of the world. You are here on a mission. You want to laugh… hard. You flip to the TV listings. What luck! Right there on Fox primetime is Once Bitten starring Jim Carrey. In Living Color’s so hot right now. But you got a belly full of laughs that you gotta let out. You don’t just need one comedy, you need an all-nighter of comedy. Obvs you’ll catch Summer Job come 3 a.m., but the comedy pickings are slim when the night owls are out hunting for steamy thrills. Don’t worry, though, Lady Luck is with you tonight because at 1 a.m. you got Hot Pursuit starring John Cusack. Phew. And that, my friends, is how you build a big beautiful BMT Triple Feature.

To recap, Mark is your typical high school student just jonesing to lose his virginity. One problem, his girlfriend, Robin, wants it to be special. Oh no! (the opinions expressed in this film/recap do not reflect those of BMT). His friends are like “don’t sweat it, bro. Let’s go to Hollywood and pick up some chicks.” This predictably goes horribly until Mark is unexpectedly picked up by The Countess. She’s an older lady that the viewers know is actually a vampire. Turns out she needs to drink three times from the blood of a virgin in order to retain her immortality and control of her bevy of vampire underlings. Unfortunately, she’s having a terrible time in 90’s LA finding a virgin… you know… because of all the sex having, etc. That night she gets her first drink from Mark. Two more to go. The Countess is surprised, though, that Mark seems intent on making things right with Robin. As time goes on Mark starts to act more and more bizarre. Once The Countess gets her second bite, even Robin notices something is off. A bunch of gay panic ensues, but ultimately she figures out that he’s being turned into a vamp (as the kids say). There is a confrontation with The Countess at a spooktacular dance (best scene in cinematic history) which forces The Countess to kidnap Robin and lure Mark and his pals to her lair for a final showdown. As Mark and Robin attempt to flee it looks like they are going to be trapped by the vampires until Robin and Mark hop in a coffin and make sweet, sweet love to each other. This breaks the spell and The Countess fails. THE END.

I didn’t like this film much, although my recollection from catching it in pieces on TV as a kid was that it was weird and boring like some 80’s comedies are. I wouldn’t necessarily say that my beautiful adult mind now perceives it that way, but it does have a bit of a high concept problem. You have to buy in on the premise of the humor to really buy in on the film as a whole. So is the gender-swapped concept of a female vampire bedding the “last virgin in school” funny to you? Then you might get some goofy laughs out of the antics of his silly friends and a transcendent dance scene (truly wonderful stuff). To me it felt a little overwritten. Oh, and the gay panic in the film was so extreme that it’s hard to laugh past. On a brighter side I did think a couple vampire ideas in the film were presented in a compelling way, particularly the idea that the female vampire used her male familiar to apply makeup. And I thought the actress who portrayed Robin (Karen Kopins) was very cute and quite talented. She’s not the best actress, but it was so early (Carrey was also a bit rough). Acting can be learned and she seemed to have all the natural talent and charisma that could have made for a bigger career.

As for our Friend this week, Summer Job… uh… well, it existed. It certainly was put on film and released in some format. It is total garbage and actually makes me wonder how it is that someone makes something like that and thinks it’s normal or funny or anything at all. Nothing makes sense. It has no plot. All the characters pair off even though they are mostly gross and off-putting. It makes me question the entire Bring-A-Friend premise, except that this film played numerous times on TV in the 90’s! It was worth watching, but not worth the watch, if you know what I mean.

Hot Take Clam Bake! The Countess was actually dead the whole time. JK. I don’t buy for one second that she’s having trouble finding a virgin in LA just because it’s the 80’s. Mark’s two friends also appear to be virgins (one of them for sure). She could also rustle up a few down at the local church I’m sure. It’s all bunk. She just doesn’t want to admit a few things: 1) the virgin she finds would become part of their group and she doesn’t want any lame-o’s. 2) She’s so enthralling that the instant she “beds” an actually cool virgin he would become so empowered that he would bed another lady before she had a chance to drink his blood three times. 3) Even if that weren’t the case, the cool virgin would probably have a cool GF that she’d have to compete with. It’s a problem of her own making and really she should have taken one look at Robin and been like “Nevermind. Onto the next one.” She was Miss Connecticut! Hot Take Temperature: Rocking jazz dance number.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about early Jim Carrey in a T&A comedy about being the last virgin in LA and being hunted by sexy vampires? Let’s go!

That about sums it up actually. While I agree the movie is a bit weird because of how flat Jim Carrey is, you can already tell he’s going to be a star because they seemingly pulled him off the street and he acts circles around all of the young actors in the film. His friends are dire. Not surprisingly neither did much else in their careers.

The love interest was interesting. She was very cute. Miss Connecticut in 1977. Her story is interesting in that she did a number of somewhat odd smaller films (like Jake Speed), and then married her high school sweetheart, had four kids, and still lives in Connecticut.

If this film has any enduring BMT legacy it is the dance scene. It is pretty incredible. Perhaps a life long project of mine will be to collect some of these MonoSklogs and Dance Sklogs on a private server so I can just watch them and appreciate them. They belong in a museum!

Which then prompted me to ask “I wonder if I can see what Karen Kopin’s talent was in Miss America and whether it was dancing.” It was. Jazz dance. But here’s the thing … like all of the competitors’ talents are dance. An inordinate number. If you look at 1975-1984 Miss Connecticut talent was Dance, Vocal, Dance, Vocal, Dance, Piano (+ Vocal), Vocal, Vocal, Vocal, Clarinet. That is basically the same for Miss America, although the preliminary talent winners often seemed to do something different like gymnastics, trampoline, jump rope, or even chemistry. The actual winners tend to sing in the end.

Oh this film has one of the most extreme examples of gay panic in the history of film. For some reason, despite the girlfriend already observing that Carrey has no reflection (super odd), she decides his friends should check for a bite mark near his dick in the showers. Naturally this involves wrestling him and trying very intently to look at his dick. Which naturally makes everyone think they are not only gay but, presumably, violent rapists. Anyways, they lament their soon-to-be ostracization from society for being gay, although instead they end up bedding some vampires and maybe also becoming vampires (results unclear).

The point I suppose is that this film is old fashioned, but because of Jim Carrey and because of the dance scene, if you can look past the occasionally extended scene where people drop f-bombs (and not the good kind) then there is enjoyment to be had.

Oh boy, for this film we ended up picking a small film as a Friend that (1) played on the same date as Once Bitten did on primetime network television (January 30, 1991), and (2) played a lot. Which led us to choose the unfortunate film Summer Job (1989), which yeah, played 39 times in the early 90s. Here’s the thing: this isn’t a movie. We could make this movie. It appears to have used regional actors from Miami, filmed in a few days at a country club in the off season, and hired precisely one reasonably famous person, a Playboy Playmate who has the odd notoriety of having directed a film starring herself and Patrick Dempsey. I’m glad we did this film though. Because we needed to at some point explore this bad movie space. But I don’t think we’ll revisit things like this if we can avoid it. The film is mostly unpleasant, and the acting is horrible. The only fun bit was the band at the end called Outkast which if I didn’t know better I would think the movie was just an extended music video for. F if you watch the whole thing, A+ if you only watch the Outkast music video at the end.

Twin film alert (Who?) for the two characters credited simply as Twin Vampires. I think a decent Product Placement (What?) for Crunch Bar. Setting as a Character (Where?) for LA as well. A very very nice Secret Holiday Film (When?) for Halloween. I think a genuine MacGuffin (Why?) for the virgin which the vampire needs to bite three times to remain young. And you know what? I like the twist that they get out of the jam by having sex. Thems a lot of superlatives. I think this is BMT for the dance scene alone, if you can tolerate or ignore the many many homophobic slurs that are tossed around.

Read about the long time coming sequel to Once Bitten (obviously called Twice Bitten) in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Once Bitten Quiz

Oh man, so get this? I’m a sad, L.A. virgin just looking to do what all the other boys are doing (their girlfriends I imagine … I wouldn’t know). But what ho?! A lovely much older lady takes an interest in me, and now I’m sapping on bubbly at her swanky L.A. mans? One problem … I kind of then forget everything and now I’m dressing all in black and only awake at night. I think I’m a vampire, but I don’t remember. Do you remember what happened in Once Bitten?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) What car are Jim Carrey and his girlfriend Karen Kopin in in the beginning when everyone else is having sex?

2) What happens that causes Jim Carrey to leave the phone-a-date bar in a rush?

3) Carrey’s friends have a disastrous time at the bar, but they have a new idea for where to pick up ladies. Where and how does it go?

4) What are all four of their costumes at the big Halloween bash?

5) In the end Jim Carrey is brought to the swanky L.A. mansion of the vampire where they are attempting to do what? In the end how does he evade his fate?

Bonus Question: Years later Carrey and Kopin are happily married with a child of their own, young Russel. On Russel’s 18th birthday they get a visitor of the night however. Who is it? 

Answers

Once Bitten Preview

Jamie and Patrick are 12-years-old on a field trip to the Aquarium of Dangerous Animals. “Someday I’m going to be a pretty good diver, but then transition my skillz into being the top action star of my day,” Jamie explains as they look into a tank containing the Bolivian Rhino Piranha. Patrick thinks this is pretty ambitious (top ten seems more like it) but lets Jamie have his little dream. He daren’t speak of his own secret dream: the one where he dons his cable knit sweater and writes genre-busting novels. Jamie would probably laugh. “Drink break,” the teacher calls and hands out bottled water to Jamie, Patrick and the rest of their classmates. “Drink up, because it’s time for the big show,” the teacher says excitedly. A murmur arises from the kids. It’s time for the Velocishark, a recently rediscovered shark that was previously thought to be the bold artistic vision of caveman imaginations. But those cave paintings were now known to be all too real. As they approach the Velocishark’s tank the kids crowd the edge and one child drops his water bottle into the water below. He leans precariously over the edge. “Yo, you know you can just drink water out of the tap,” Patrick says scornfully. Just then the kid momentarily loses balance and with flailing arms knocks the water bottles from Jamie and Patrick’s hands for a double splash directly on their crotches. No doubt about it, it looks like they peed their pants and everyone knows it.

Jamie and Patrick shake their heads. Horrible. They then let Metaphorical Kyle know they are ready to go. “Once bitten, twice shy, no more Mr. Nice Guy,” Jamie and Patrick say, coining in that moment what scientists contend is the perfect catchphrase. Time to pound some dweebs. That’s right! We are watching the early Jim Carrey vehicle Once Bitten. The movie played a number of times on Comedy Central back in the day, but I don’t recall ever sitting all the way through it. Mostly because I didn’t think it was funny. Or maybe I was super sc-sc-sc-scared. We are pairing that with the little known T&A comedy Summer Job, which aired on TV the same day as the primetime premier of Once Bitten (January 30, 1991). Despite how small the film is, it somehow ended up airing 39 times on TV in the 90’s (credit to Patrick who does all the legwork on our recent TV listing obsession). Let’s go! 

Once Bitten (1985) – BMeTric: 41.3; Notability: 36

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.8%; Notability: top 9.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 3.6%; Higher BMeT: Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, Howling II: … Your Sister Is a Werewolf, Red Sonja, Porky’s Revenge, King Solomon’s Mines, Transylvania 6-5000, Gymkata, Perfect, Creature, American Ninja, Private Resort, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Higher Notability: A View to a Kill, Spies Like Us, King David, National Lampoon’s European Vacation, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, Perfect, Head Office, Brewster’s Millions, My Science Project, Santa Claus: The Movie, Turk 182, Invasion U.S.A., Rocky IV, The Slugger’s Wife, Death Wish 3, Warning Sign, Heaven Help Us, Maxie, Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Creator, and 4 more; Lower RT: American Ninja, That Was Then… This Is Now, The Slugger’s Wife, Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer, Head Office, Maxie, King Solomon’s Mines, King David; Notes: This was on an amazing 45 times, including its prime time network premiere on January 30, 1991 (the same day at Summer Job, our friend). Full page ad in the New York Times on page C7 on November 15, 1985 (quarter for week 2 and 3, then a small 16th in week 4, then done). Nothing super funny on it, besides maybe it suggesting you buy the soundtrack. The song “Once Bitten” was written by 3-Speed which unfortunately doesn’t have a wiki page. “3 Speed enjoyed considerable success after the release of the Once Bitten soundtrack; at one point they were even opening for Pat Benatar.” They were from Boston and never wrote an album, instead recording songs for the Rad and Savage Streets soundtracks.

Leonard Maltin – BOMB –  Inept comedy about Vampires (Hutton) who intrudes on amorous pursuits of some teenagers because she needs the blood of a virgin to maintain her youthful glow. Pretty anemic; Carrey is very restrained.

(Fits with what I heard which is Carrey is bizarrely not … Carrey in this. And love the play on words with “anemic” and, of course, the semicolon. I’ve missed Leonard’s cheeky semicolons since I’ve switched to Ebert for the most part.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qmgspdr_fwY/

(Wait … that was the actual trailer? Seems like it. So, I guess that is what happens when you don’t have any money to make actual television / preview spots? Is that what Canadian trailers used to be? More seriously I wonder if that was a radio spot and the graphics were added more recently.)

Directors – Howard Storm – ( BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Was part of a comedy duo called Gale and Storm with his roommate Lou Alexander.)

Writers – Dimitri Villard – ( BMT: Once Bitten; In Love and War; Notes: Actually quite an accomplished producer in the 80s, founder of New Star Entertainment.)

David Hines and Jeffrey Hause – ( BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Wrote an episode of the cartoon Tales from the Cryptkeeper which I had never heard of.)

Jonathan Roberts – ( Known For: The Lion King; The Lion King; The Hunchback of Notre Dame; James and the Giant Peach; The Sure Thing; Khumba; Future BMT: Jack Frost; BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Obviously most famous for writing five episodes of 90210. The Sure Thing stars Daphne Zuniga which I just watched in Vision Quest weirdly, and we just saw in The Fly II. Maybe I should try and complete her filmography.)

Actors – Lauren Hutton – ( Known For: American Gigolo; The Joneses; Gator; Little Fauss and Big Halsy; The Gambler; Zorro: The Gay Blade; A Wedding; Lassiter; Welcome to L.A.; The Chant of Jimmie Blacksmith; Paternity; Viva Knievel!; Paper Lion; Forbidden Sun; Just a Little Harmless Sex; Pieces of Dreams; Millions; Tout feu tout flamme; Loser Love; Missing Pieces; Future BMT: 54; I Feel Pretty; My Father the Hero; Malone; BMT: Once Bitten; Perfect; Notes: Had a talk show in 1995, and was a Playboy Bunny way back. Last worked in 2018.)

Jim Carrey – ( Known For: The Truman Show; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; Liar Liar; Ace Ventura: Pet Detective; The Mask; Sonic the Hedgehog 2; Dumb and Dumber; Sonic the Hedgehog; Bruce Almighty; Dark Crimes; Yes Man; Me, Myself & Irene; The Bad Batch; A Series of Unfortunate Events; How the Grinch Stole Christmas; The Cable Guy; Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues; Earth Girls Are Easy; Horton Hears a Who!; Man on the Moon; Future BMT: Kick-Ass 2; Dumb and Dumber To; Fun with Dick and Jane; The Incredible Burt Wonderstone; Pink Cadillac; BMT: Batman Forever; Once Bitten; Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls; The Number 23; Notes: Y’all know Carrey, we just saw him in the Ace Ventura films. Honestly we’ve done all his good BMTs, but someday we’ll finish him off I suppose. Check out his career, really never a lull, it is incredibly impressive.)

Karen Kopins – ( Known For: Fast Forward; Future BMT: Troop Beverly Hills; Creator; Jake Speed; BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Jake Speed is crazy. Never on television in the 90s, but did get play in the late 80s. About 800 theaters, 1000 votes on IMDb, and just got a fifth review a few years ago. Would be quite the borderline BMT if we ever do it. Miss Connecticut 1977, still lives there with her high school sweetheart and four kids. Was going to be a Charlie’s Angel but the 1988 pilot wasn’t picked up. Stopped acting in 1994.)

Budget/Gross – $3.2 million / Domestic: $10,000,000 (Worldwide: $10,000,000)

(Surprisingly okay, but like … do I believe it? I want to see the data. This? $10 million? How?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 10% (1/10)

(There isn’t really a consensus because no one had a snippet outside of the one good review and then one bad review. I did enjoy the bad review which called the movie icky and disturbing essentially. Having watched the film I can’t say that isn’t accurate.)

NYT Short Review: Vampire countess seeks male virgin. Too many Bloody Mary jokes.

Poster – Once Smitten Kitten

(I like the little bat, but that’s about it. There’s not really a cohesion to it. Like why is the vampire see through? I don’t get it. I do find it amusing that the title has a tiny “Samuel Goldwyn Jr.’s” at the top. You know I wasn’t gonna catch this flick but once I found out Sammy G Jr. did this one I was all in. Odd. He’s the Executive Producer. C-)

Tagline(s) – Mark Kendall just found out that his one-night stand has been around for centuries. (C-)

A tasty comedy. (D+)

(I was going to give the first one an F, but then I think I saw what they were going for. One-night vs. centuries. At least a little interesting, if extremely long. So I upgraded it. The short one under the title is nonsense. Tasty because a vampire bites people? I mean sure. But regular people also find things tasty. That’s not a vampire exclusive.)

Keyword(s) – canada

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.7 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.1 Prom Night (2008), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 74.0 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.2 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 69.0 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.9 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), Alone in the Dark (2005), The Wicker Man (2006), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), … (and many more)

Best Options (Vampire): 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 41.5 Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 41.2 Once Bitten (1985), 40.9 Blade: Trinity (2004), 40.6 The Forsaken (2001), 40.6 The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 27.7 Dracula Untold (2014), 24.6 Underworld: Awakening (2012), 20.0 Innocent Blood (1992)

(I’m a bit stunned at just how many vampire films there are. I suppose the question is: will we ever watch them all? I can’t see why we wouldn’t. That would be wild.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jim Carrey is No. 1 billed in Once Bitten and No. 1 billed in The Number 23, which also stars Virginia Madsen (No. 2 billed) who is in Firewall (No. 3 billed) which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 14. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – The role of the Countess was written for Cassandra Peterson, better known as TV horror-hostess Elvira.

By the time the film was released, writer Jeffrey Hause had blown through his initial earnings and had to take a job as a video store clerk. One day an oblivious customer remarked of the film, “Whoever wrote this shouldn’t be working in Hollywood,” and an incensed Hause retorted, “YOU GOT YOUR WISH!”

During the chase scene when Robin punches a vampire, she actually hit him in one take and knocked his fake teeth out.

Screenwriter Jeffrey Hause campaigned for Michael J. Fox to star in the film, but executive producer Samuel Goldwyn Jr. was convinced that Fox would never be able to carry a big-screen movie.

The tune Mark’s ice cream truck plays is a variation on the “Peter” theme of Sergei Prokofiev’s “Peter and the Wolf.”

Magic in the Water Recap

Jamie

For films that I don’t have much personal history with or don’t have any broader implications for our BMT venture (and Magic in the Water certainly fits that bill) I like to look back at the date that the film was released. Oddly this film was allegedly released on a Wednesday, which is apparently true as the New York Times does state that it “Starts Today” in that Wednesday’s Magic in the Water ad. I guess this was to capture the magic in the Labor Day weekend or something. But that’s not the headline to my journey back to August 30th, 1995. No, the headline is the relatively small banner that ran under the poster for the film:

I smell a new cycle. Gotta catch ‘em all, and I don’t mean Pokemon. I mean this level of product tie-in. It’s gorgeous.

To recap, the Black family are off to Glenorky for the summer. Father, Jack (yes, his name is Jack Black), is a psychiatrist-turned-radio-host who is attempting to write a new book. He’s a workaholic and the kids, Ashley and Josh, are struggling to connect to him. Lucky for Ashley she’s got America’s favorite cookie Oreo to keep her company. Even luckier? There is also a monster in the lake, Orky, that enjoys America’s favorite cookie Oreo too (despite being a very Canadian monster). Jack starts to get to know a local psychiatrist and finds that she’s treating a bunch of men in town for “hallucinations” that occur after allegedly interacting with Orky. When Ashley runs away one night, Jack is aided by Orky to save her in the nick of time. This interaction with Orky gives Jack a psychic connection that tunes him into the fact that Orky is being hurt by something nefarious in the lake. Turns out some local industrialists are illegally dumping their waste in the lake and are getting more and more concerned that a bunch of Japanese scientists are going to find out what they are doing. Just when Jack is locked up for his increasingly bizarre behavior, the industrialists hatch a plan to use a big ol’ monster submarine to trick the Japanese researchers into thinking the monster was just a ruse the whole time and to leave them alone. It’s up to the kids to stop them and they hijack the submarine, which unfortunately sinks. They are definitely going to die and it’s real grim, but then Orky comes and saves them. Jack is also suddenly there too and they all watch as Orky dies from exposure to the waste. They then leave Orky’s cave and are pretty bummed actually. But then Orky comes back to life and eats a bunch more of America’s favorite cookie Oreo. THE END.

That all actually happened. I can’t tell if this is as bizarre as I think it is or we just don’t watch kids movies enough. Maybe it’s only bizarre that it made it to theaters. Or maybe it’s only bizarre that it was a random Canadian film plucked from obscurity in America’s thirst for Loch Ness Monster content. Or maybe it’s not bizarre at all. It’s impossible for me to tell. The only thing I know is this is a children’s movie where some kids are sad because their dad is locked up in an insane asylum and they are left alone and then they almost die in a submarine accident and then their monster friend actually does die right in front of them. It’s just… they spend an inordinate amount of time showing you the unpleasant and bizarre behavior of a man driven insane by his contact with a supernatural being. It sounds like I’m describing a horror film. That’s because it was horrific.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Patrick should have put a spoiler warning on his section cause you better believe all those kids died in that submarine. You couldn’t ask for a more perfect “moment before death” scene than the kids being reunited with their crazy dad in Orky’s cave just before the monster dies… but wait, actually no he is still alive, see he ate some cookies. Uh, really? No wonder wikipedia’s synopsis for the film ends by saying that the cookies being eaten at the end “suggest that Orky is still alive, or reincarnated.” They can’t tell because it doesn’t matter. Just the sad dreams of a girl dying in a submarine. Hot Take Temperature: Oreo.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we sitting here feeling like kids again because an ancient wise sea monster inhabited our soul?! Let’s go!

It’s been a minute since we did a kids’ movie. Let the useless nonsense wash over you like a Glenorky tide.

Mark Harmon … oh boy. I feel like in this film you can witness his transition from that 80s scamp in Summer School, to no nonsense dad (or dad adjacent) character in this film right here. Do you think while filming he thought to himself: I feel young again. Maybe Summer School 2 is in the books!

The kid actors were pretty solid though. I’m surprised the daughter didn’t act in anything else. Unless you count a creepy looking FMV kids adventure game called Piper. Joshua Jackson was a child actor star, charisma out the wazoo.

The direction does let it down on occasion. Mainly just small asides they do (in particular a short shot of Jackson putting Cap’n Crunch on some bread and eating it). And the bad guy plot feels like it was shot by someone else who was trying to make a live action Captain Planet episode.

The film is much better earlier when it is just about a father who has lost his way prior to him becoming a kid again.

The submarine death scene is harrowing though. Seems likely that we are dealing with a Jacob’s Ladder situation and the children died in the sub and Harmon died in the fall into the cavern below the beach. Sad stuff.

Also the degree to which Dr. Wanda Bell seems to be over-prescribing sedatives to fairly innocuous (if delusional) people seems problematic. As is her seeming to be primarily practicing psychiatry when she admits to being trained as a general practitioner.

The only thing I’ll say that I did like how the fun kiddy nonsense they partake in (controlling the clouds, digging to China, etc.) all played into the final scene where that is how Harmon saves his kids and how the daughter saves Orky from discovery. The one moment the script seems to shine through a bit.

Oh … I mean I can’t not mention the Oreos. America’s favorite cookie! Everyone is just chowing down on Oreos. Orky is chowing down on Oreos. Oreos are everywhere. It is one of the craziest things I’ve ever seen.

Obviously Product Placement (What?) for Oreos, America’s favorite cookie. Setting as a Character (Where?) for the mythical town of Glenorky. I think Orky might be a living breathing MacGuffin (Why?). And Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that that sad death scene was a ruse, and Orky lives! Or is it Orky Jr? We’ll never know. This is closest to BMT I think. It ain’t good, but I also didn’t find it particularly unpleasant, so I think it works for a very rare BMT kids’ film.

Read about my sequel idea in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Magic in the Water Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I was on holiday in Canada, naturally, and obviously macking on some of America’s favorite cookies, Oreos. When all of a sudden a sea monster came up and snagged all of them. Needless to say I attempted to free dive to save my delicious treat, but I passed out and got severe oxygen deprivation induced brain damage. Now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Magic in the Water?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) We meet Mark Harmon and his two precocious kids just as they set off for a holiday in Glenorchy (Home of Orky!). What is Harmon’s job?

2) While there he meets his obvious love interest, who shares this job. What is the shared psychosis that all her patients have?

3) Oh yeah, meanwhile Orky is real (who knew!?). How does Ashley know that he’s real though, and how does she generally detect he is nearby, AND what does this mean for poor Orky?

4) Uh oh, there are some bad guys. What are they concerned about, and what is their plan to prevent the toxic waste dump site from being discovered?

5) After the children definitely don’t die in a horrifying homemade submarine accident, who saves them and how?

Bonus Question: Obviously we would expect the family to move to Glenorky to be near their best friend Orky. Well, Orky’s got a surprise for them. What is it?

Answers

Magic in the Water Preview

“That’s right, you do love your wife,” Kyle explains as they stand in front of a new scene. It’s Metaphor Patrick somberly sitting in a room full of lawyers as they hash out his divorce. Tears stream down his face. “That’s why you end up giving her whatever she wants,” Kyle continues, “and what she wants is half your stake in the company.” Jamie and Patrick do the math. Their 60% is now 45%… “But she wouldn’t. You’re lying,” Patrick says, before running dramatically to a nearby fainting couch. And they would have thought he actually had fainted if it wasn’t for all the snot and drool that accompanied his intensely loud sobbing. “Your right, it isn’t true… yet,” Kyle says, “but it will be, and shortly thereafter your ex-wife, distraught at your betrayal, sells her stake to the Dudikoffs and jets off to Europe to start her life anew in a reverse Sound of Music type scenario.” Patrick’s sobs get even louder. Jaime is perplexed. “So this is all just to get their hands on BMT? But they have that already. We are doing a worldwide tour of Canada for them. What else do they want?” Kyle gives him a look of deep sadness. They still aren’t getting it. He snaps his fingers and they are standing in front of a billboard. “Welcome to Glenorky, home of the Bad Movie Twins Water Company.” Forcing Patrick to divorce his wife and six kids is one thing. But turning BMT into a bottled water company was crossing the line. “It’s the one thing we said we’d never do,” Patrick says softly. “You can drink it out of the tap, for god sakes,” Jamie yells, before punching a hole in the billboard next to the company’s tagline: “There’s Magic in the Water.” That’s right! We’re watching that film we all know and love, Magic in the Water. It’s got Mark Harmon. It’s got Josh Jackson. It’s got Canada’s version of Nessy. So basically it’s got everything. Let’s go!

Magic in the Water (1995) – BMeTric: 20.5; Notability: 23

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 23.6%; Notability: top 26.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 16.2%; Higher BMeT: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls, Jury Duty, Batman Forever, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Congo, Theodore Rex, The Babysitter, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Judge Dredd, Nine Months, The Scarlet Letter, Johnny Mnemonic, Virtuosity, and 39 more; Higher Notability: Batman Forever, Congo, Judge Dredd, Cutthroat Island, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Showgirls, Stuart Saves His Family, Four Rooms, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Money Train, Tommy Boy, Assassins, Panther, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead, Jefferson in Paris, Hackers, Jade, Canadian Bacon, Just Cause, and 47 more; Lower RT: The Big Green, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Theodore Rex, Delta of Venus, Jury Duty, Born to Be Wild, Top Dog, The Walking Dead, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, It Takes Two, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Bushwhacked, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Fair Game, Canadian Bacon, Vampire in Brooklyn, The Scarlet Letter, Four Rooms, and 18 more; Notes: Probably the weakest for a while in both BMeT and Notability. Got a Friday, December 20, 1996, 8PM premiere on Showtime, and played an astonishing 41 times on television in the 90s. We’ve officially seen 13 of the 20 highest BMeTs for 1995 (and I’ve seen an additional 4 myself). That’s nuts.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “Magic in the Water” is innocuous fun, but slow, and not distinguished in the special effects department. And about those two one-armed brothers, who both allegedly lost an arm to Orky: I’ll bet they could find those missing arms if they’d look closely inside their shirts.

(Ha! I do like this review, even though I have a deep suspicion now that Magic in the Water is going to be aggressively boring. Like Jaws for children.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jat4iTeKpj0/

(Brought to you by Oreo. I’m not joking, in the advertisements for the film in the New York Times it tells the audience to eat America’s favorite cookie: Oreo. So for real, it is. This looks like a Captain Planet episode.)

Directors – Rick Stevenson – ( Known For: Expiration Date; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: As far as directing he’s mostly done single or a few episodes of TV shows over the years. This was his debut.)

Writers – Rick Stevenson – ( Known For: Expiration Date; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Otherwise he wrote and directed some series called Best of the Fest which I think is about showing films that are not well known but good?)

Icel Dobell Massey – ( BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Literally nothing about this person outside of being listed as the co-writer on Variety.)

Ninian Dunnett – (Known For: Restless Natives; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: The writer of the book Restless Natives was based on. I’m going to field a guess that this person wrote an unpublished book or story spec or something and sold it off which is why they don’t really have an IMDb page.)

Actors – Mark Harmon – ( Known For: Natural Born Killers; Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas; Summer School; Freaky Friday; Comes a Horseman; The Last Supper; Beyond the Poseidon Adventure; Weather Girl; Let’s Get Harry; I’ll Remember April; Local Boys; Cold Heaven; Tuareg: The Desert Warrior; Till There Was You; The Amati Girls; Future BMT: Wyatt Earp; Chasing Liberty; The Presidio; Stealing Home; Worth Winning; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Y’all know Mark Harmon … right? You all watch a lot of NCIS? Genuinely a huge 80s movie star, and then he kind of slowly spiraled into television stardom it feels like. Nominated for 2 Emmys for Eleanor and Franklin: The White House Years and a gust spot on The West Wing.)

Harley Jane Kozak – ( Known For: When Harry Met Sally…; Arachnophobia; Parenthood; I Spit on Your Grave: Vengeance Is Mine; The House on Sorority Row; More Beautiful for Having Been Broken; Side Out; The Taking of Beverly Hills; The Lovemaster; Future BMT: Necessary Roughness; All I Want for Christmas; The Favor; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Has written at least four mystery novels and won the Agatha Award for Best First Mystery Novel for Dating Dead Men.)

Joshua Jackson – ( Known For: Ocean’s Eleven; Cruel Intentions; Scream 2; Apt Pupil; Bobby; Andre; Muppets from Space; Shadows in the Sun; Lay the Favorite; Sky; Battle in Seattle; One Week; Lone Star State of Mind; Crooked Hearts; I Love Your Work; The Safety of Objects; Inescapable; Aurora Borealis; Americano; Digger; Future BMT: The Mighty Ducks; D2: The Mighty Ducks; Gossip; Shutter; D3: The Mighty Ducks; Cursed; Racing Stripes; BMT: Urban Legend; The Skulls; Magic in the Water; Notes: Was a child actor (in things like The Might Ducks) and then became something of an actual television star (in things like Fringe). His mother was a casting director.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $2,680,717 (Worldwide: $2,680,717)

(Yeaaaaaaaah. Don’t worry, we didn’t screw up. It does actually qualify. Released to a healthy happy 890 theaters. On September 1, 1995 no less, and then it played on television on September 1, 1997.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 21% (5/24): There might be Magic in the Water during this family-friendly adventure, but precious little of it ended up on the screen.

(People seemed really concerned about the message of this film (which I guess in 1995 was construed as some kind of environmental screed). More hilariously apparently the monster is seen once and looks bad. So that’ll be fun.)

NY Times Short Review: Pacific Northwest sea-monster legend. Genial, but don’t call it magic.

Poster – Patrick in the Water

(I kind of like the poster. Having already watched the movie, though, I would be afraid they are stepping mighty close to false advertising. Let’s just say, we never even get close to an actual scene of the animatronic monster in the water. B-)

Tagline(s) – In a small town, on a peaceful lake, a mythical creature is about to surface. (D)

(Too long. Why wouldn’t this just be “a mythical creature is about to surface”? Seems like they added a bunch of words for no reason. It wouldn’t have made it much better, but it’s an odd choice.)

Keyword(s) – canada

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Terminator Salvation (2009)

Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.7 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 69.0 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), … (and many more)

Best Options (daddio): 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 49.2 My Girl 2 (1994), 41.5 Speed Zone (1989), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 37.1 Clifford (1994), 36.8 Desperate Hours (1990), 34.0 Father Hood (1993), 30.3 Who’s Harry Crumb? (1989), 24.6 About My Father (2023), 20.7 Mad City (1997), 20.3 Magic in the Water (1995), 20.0 Art School Confidential (2006), 17.8 Brewster’s Millions (1985)

(This was an incredibly Canada film which is why we chose it. Like it has a bunch of Canadian actors and is set in Canada. Also it looks ridiculous.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Joshua Jackson is No. 2 billed in Magic in the Water and No. 8 billed in Urban Legend, which also stars Alicia Witt (No. 1 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 2 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 8) + (1 + 2) + (3 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch Into the Blue we can get the HoE Number down to 16.

Notes – Early in the movie Ashley is wearing an over-sized powderkegblue (UCLA) football jersey #7. Mark Harmon was the starting UCLA Quarterback – he wore #7.

Film locations included a 163 foot stern-wheeler, the SS Moyie, which seemed a bit unreal for a town with only 800 people living in the area. This vessel was used as “Joe’s Orky Emporium”, a top-heavy tourist attraction that exploits the legend of Orky to the hilt.

The creature Orky was in reality a huge cable operated puppet which required twelve operators to bring him to life.

The role of Josh was based in part on the relationship that developed between writer-producer-director Rick Stevenson and young actor Joshua Jackson while Stevenson was producing and Jackson was starring in Stevenson’s first film ‘Crooked Hearts’ (1991). Jackson said about his role: “I’m on this trip to try and have some relationship with my father, but in reality I’m on the verge of not wanting a father anymore. In Josh’s mind, this trip is one last attempt at bonding with his dad. Then there is the aspect of having a little sister who believes in weird stuff. At first I don’t pay any attention to her. She’s dumb and so are her ideas, but out of pure boredom I start paying attention to her and discover she’s not so bad after all. The minute I let my guard down, she gets me into all kinds of trouble trying to save Orky.”

Mark Harmon’s character was called Jack Black which is the same name as the famous actor, comedian and movie star Jack Black.

Serving Sara Recap

Jamie

Serving Sara came out on a balmy August day 21 years ago. Late August doldrums where films went to die, or at least that’s how it used to be. Nowadays hits come whenever the audience demands it. But back then? No, the major releases that week were Undisputed, S1m0ne, and this (and none of them cracked the top 5). Barbenheimer this was not. But you wouldn’t know that from the advertisements. Check out these quotes from the NYTimes:

Not only are these egregiously long, but they are real embarrassing. I hope whoever these critics are got paid a pretty penny for delivering this level of comedy. And even funnier than that? If you look closely at the first and the third they are by the same guy, Earl Dittman from Wireless Magazines. I wonder who that is? Oh ho, he has a wikipedia page… that appears entirely devoted to the fact that he churns out these quotes for national exposure.

Wow.

To recap, Matthew Perry is a former lawyer-turned-kinda-bad-process-server. When the rival at his company screws up a job he’s given one last chance to deliver for an important client. The job: deliver divorce papers to Elizabeth Hurley as filed in the state of Texas. After he easily does this, he inadvertently spills that it’s too bad the papers weren’t filed in New York where she would make more money… this gives Hurley a brilliant idea. They strike a deal for $1 million where Perry will switch sides and serve her husband instead. Perry’s boss is pissed and gets the other process server on the case, but Perry is too smart for that and sends him on a wild goose chase. Meanwhile they head to Texas where the real chase begins. They follow her husband from Dallas to their ranch in Laredo. Eventually they find the husband’s new mistress who proposes a deal that Perry quickly accepts. But what an idiot! It was a trick set up by his rival. Oh no! They have lost… or have they? (what a twist!) Turns out the rival made a similar boneheaded error that he made in the beginning of the movie and Perry still has one hour to track down Hurley’s husband. They chase him into a monster truck rally (naturally) where he is eventually served and all the bad guys are gravely injured. Perry uses his money to open a vineyard and he and Hurley smooch… hard. THE END.

This is a generally unpleasant movie. View from the Top? Pleasant people, happy they were happy. Serving Sara? Just a bunch of people scrounging around for money. Perry’s character in particular is confounding. The backstory makes no sense… he didn’t like defending criminals anymore so he quit being a good lawyer to be a terrible process server? Why not just, you know… become a good lawyer doing good things? Anway, I did think Hurley was surprisingly charming. It made me wonder why she wasn’t a bigger star. Maybe she was too “hot,” or maybe she chose family instead, but she was quite good even though she and Perry had negative chemistry. 

Hot Take Clam Bake! My take is Perry’s character is actually in witness protection. He talks about how he used to be a lawyer but got tired of defending the bad people like mobsters. So he quit… quit? You don’t just quit defending the mob, capiche? It explains all the other weird stuff going on. He was good enough to defend high profile bad guys and yet when he gives that up he’s just a second rate, anonymous process server in the biggest city in the world? Def in witness protection after giving up the good on the Chicago mob. That’s the sequel, in fact… when they finally hit it big by winning a prestigious wine award, the mobsters come a-knockin’. Hot Take Temperature: City Heat.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Matthew Perry playing Chandler Bing in a major motion picture … again … because that’s the character he plays in most things he’s in? Also Elizabeth Hurley, my god. Let’s go!

As a young man Elizabeth Hurley was right there in the perfect position for me to have a crush on. Basically it is entirely because of Austin Powers (let’s see, Young Patrick is 11 when that comes out, check) and a little because of Bedazzled (2000, but while I don’t have the data to back it up, suffice it to say this was on ALL THE TIME on television). Her career is funny because as far as leading stuff is concerned … uh, those two and this are just about it. She was made famous for being Hugh Grant’s girlfriend when he became famous. And then she had a kid and semi-retired (a tale as old as time).

Matthew Perry on the other had a very well known (now) drug problem throughout the run of Friends (“fat Chandler” effectively marks when he was off opioids). During the filming of Serving Sara I think he was just out of rehab and struggling, but you can see “fat Chandler” return for a true blue cameo right at the end of the film.

There’s a funny segment by Norm MacDonald where he claims that Perry’s assistant told him that he wanted to do a sketch where Perry is teaching a class on “Matt Speak”. And Norm is like “What’s Matt Speak?” And the assistant is like “you know, how Chandler speaks, with that irreverence, poking fun at people.” And Norm is like “You mean sarcasm?” I only bring this up because this movie is, much like all of Perry’s feature films, an exercise in “Hey hey hey … do Chandler. Do Chandler, but he’s a process server.”

Speaking of which, no occupation has had the weirder Hollywood representations as process server I think. Almost certainly 99.99999% of the time the process server just walks up to people and hands them subpoenas. But in the movies they always have elaborate costumes and stuff.

Jerry Stiller is in this and makes the same prostate joke as he would make in Zoolander.

This movie is a mess. A complete and utter mess. Four thousand things are flying around all the time during it. Cedric the Entertainer is dancing. The competing process server is sent to Miami and Bangor. It is half a road trip film, but really, they are flying places and you don’t really know where they are half the time. You can’t tell why Perry is a process server (despite him allegedly having a whole anecdote as to why he is one), and you barely get any back story about Hurley at all (why is she, a British woman, married to a Texas cattle rancher? Completely unexplained). There are the occasional joke, but for every one of those there is a bad bull ass puppet waiting in the wings.

Definitely a Product Placement (What?) for Verizon which comes in a few times, most notably on the many payphones Perry uses during the film. I think there is a Setting as a Character (Where?) for Texas. A huge Secret Holiday Film (When?) because throughout the film there are decorations for Christmas everywhere, but there is very very little indication or acknowledgment by anyone that it is, in fact, Christmas. One hundred percent a BMT comedy, in that there is just enough to make you ask why anything is happening, but I didn’t actually find the movie boring, I thought it was mostly just perplexing.

Read about my sequel idea in the Quiz. Cheerios,

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