Chain Reaction – Page 3 – Bad Movie Twins

G-Force Preview

Between dancing with his mannequins and assuring his mother that he is making them beautiful for her (always for her) during one of her many unsettling visits to his room, Kyle slowly makes his way to the mannequin in the corner. “Pssst,” he whispers, not wanting to alert his mother or make the other mannequins jealous. “Is… is someone else there?” A shaky voice responds. He was right! This isn’t just a gorgeous mannequin, it’s a man trapped down here like him. He tells him what has happened. “Whu… Kyle? My god, it’s me, Jorge. How? We were sent down after you. Me and the other Dos Amigos. They’re gone. They’re dead.” Kyle is shaken. He doesn’t want to ask the question but he can’t help it. How long ago did they get sent down to the basement? The room grows colder. He could feel his mother returning. “Kyle… it’s been three weeks. They said you guys were fine. That you got all your spoons and we could too,” Jorge responds. Kyle quickly tries to explain. The hallucinations. The flashlight. Why is it happening to him? The questions are spilling out of him. They can hear the door creaking open. His mother! My god! Jorge grabs him by the shirt and shakes him hard. “Help me, you imbecile. You are just protecting yourself with your memories of a safe place. Your youthful mannequin factory. Snap out of it and help me!” At that, Jorge slaps him and his eyes clear. He is shocked and disgusted to find he’s not in a cozy mannequin factory at all. He’s in a dusty basement and numerous rodents are crawling around his feet. When he looks up he sees his mother… but now she’s a giant rat with wings and it is super gross. That’s right! We are watching a film full of super gross rodents. No, it’s not a rewatch of Graveyard Shift (I wish). It’s G-Force where a bunch of guinea pigs are on a secret mission to take money from unsuspecting parents of kids who like talking animals. Gross. Let’s go!

G-Force (2009) – BMeTric: 61.6; Notability: 71

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 6.8%; Notability: top 4.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 15.8%; Higher BMeT: Dragonball Evolution, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience, Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, Stan Helsing, S. Darko, The Unborn, Dance Flick, Halloween II, Year One, All About Steve, Did You Hear About the Morgans?, The Final Destination, Bitch Slap, Survival of the Dead, Obsessed; Higher Notability: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, 2012, Angels & Demons, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Terminator Salvation, The Lovely Bones, Nine, Fast & Furious, Confessions of a Shopaholic, Land of the Lost; Lower RT: Labor Pains, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, Miss March, Old Dogs, All About Steve, Whiteout, Beyond a Reasonable Doubt, Echelon Conspiracy, Post Grad, My Life in Ruins, The Unborn, Bride Wars, Couples Retreat, Did You Hear About the Morgans?, The Pink Panther 2, The Stepfather, S. Darko, I Love You, Beth Cooper, The Ugly Truth, Year One, and 19 more; Notes: That Notability is insane. Is it because you have a whole cast of voice actors and regular actors? I am peronsonally 7/11 for the Notability ones and 8/17 on BMeTric, so still a ways to go on 2009.

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – “G-Force” is a pleasant, inoffensive 3-D animated farce about a team of superspy guinea pigs who do battle with a mad billionaire who wants to conquer the earth by programming all the home appliances made by his corporation to follow his instructions. It will possibly be enjoyed by children of all ages.

(Children of all ages, huh? I disagree. It skews a bit young, especially the middle bit where it is just a bunch of CGI guinea pigs running around without a discernible plot.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AD_fezWiaZ0/

(They put the sexy guinea pig in the trailer! What are we teaching our kids? The cast is stacked though. This trailer is also so long, what the hell?)

Directors – Hoyt Yeatman – ( BMT: G-Force; Notes: A very well established visual effects guy. Still does stuff, he’s the supervisor on the show Schmigadoon! for example. Won an Oscar for The Abyss, and was nominated for Mighty Joe Young.)

Writers – Cormac Wibberley and Marianne Wibberley – ( Known For: National Treasure; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; The 6th Day; Motel Blue; Future BMT: Bad Boys II; National Treasure: Book of Secrets; The Shaggy Dog; BMT: I Spy; G-Force; Notes: Married, and they seem to have some relationship with Nic Cage maybe. Cormac’s father was a writer in his own right, including writing the novel The Mouse that Roared.)

Hoyt Yeatman – ( BMT: G-Force; Notes: He possibly has a second feature directing job lined up called Voyager 3D … but I’m skeptical.)

David P.I. James – ( BMT: G-Force; Notes: Also a visual effects guy, worked with Yeatman on at least Mission to Mars I think. He did effects on the BMT classic Ghosted.)

Actors – Will Arnett – ( Known For: Ratatouille; Despicable Me; The Lego Movie; Men in Black³; Ice Age: The Meltdown; Grindhouse; Blades of Glory; Monsters vs. Aliens; The Lego Batman Movie; Horton Hears a Who!; Minions: The Rise of Gru; The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part; Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping; Wristcutters: A Love Story; Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers; The Rocker; Teen Titans GO! To the Movies; Next Goal Wins; Rumble; Series 7: The Contenders; Future BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows; Hot Rod; Semi-Pro; Monster-in-Law; RV; The Nut Job; Let’s Go to Prison; The Comebacks; The Brothers Solomon; The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature; BMT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; When in Rome; Jonah Hex; G-Force; Show Dogs; Notes: Nominated for 7 Emmys which I found kind of crazy because I couldn’t really think of what show he did that garnered that amount of love. It was once for Arrested Development, four times as a guest star on 30 Rock, and twice as the producer of Bojack Horseman. Kind of amazing he’s top billed.)

Penélope Cruz – ( Known For: Murder on the Orient Express; Blow; Vicky Cristina Barcelona; Volver; All About My Mother; To Rome with Love; Open Your Eyes; Pain and Glory; Broken Embraces; Ferrari; Everybody Knows; Bandidas; Parallel Mothers; Live Flesh; I’m So Excited!; Elegy; Loving Pablo; Twice Born; Head in the Clouds; Jamón, Jamón; Future BMT: Gothika; The Brothers Grimsby; The Counselor; Sahara; Nine; The 355; All the Pretty Horses; Woman on Top; BMT: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides; Vanilla Sky; Sex and the City 2; Zoolander 2; G-Force; Captain Corelli’s Mandolin; Notes: Kind of insane she is listed first among the voice actors! Won an Oscar for Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and was nominated three other times including for the future BMT film Nine which is bizarre to think about.)

Zach Galifianakis – ( Known For: The Hangover; Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance); Into the Wild; Up in the Air; Puss in Boots; The Lego Batman Movie; It’s Kind of a Funny Story; The Campaign; Dinner for Schmucks; The Muppets; Youth in Revolt; Heartbreakers; A Wrinkle in Time; Ron’s Gone Wrong; Muppets Most Wanted; Between Two Ferns: The Movie; Missing Link; Below; The Bob’s Burgers Movie; Justin Bieber’s Believe; Future BMT: The Hangover Part II; Due Date; The Hangover Part III; Masterminds; Bubble Boy; Tulip Fever; Corky Romano; BMT: What Happens in Vegas; Keeping Up with the Joneses; G-Force; Out Cold; Notes: His current career is kind of weird. Lots of voice acting at this point (including an upcoming Lilo & Stitch remake?). But then he does odd small comedies, and he’s playing himself (presumably as the penthouse resident) in the next season of Only Murders in the Building.)

Budget/Gross – $150,000,000 / Domestic: $119,436,770 (Worldwide: $292,817,898)

(See. I feel like the original budget for this was like $100 million and they would have been fine. A small profit, but still fine. $300 million worldwide and probably not making a ton is just not how children’s programming works I think.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 22% (28/128): G-Force features manic action, but fails to come up with interesting characters or an inspired plot.

(Yeah that sounds correct. The rating is actually lover that I expected. Something about this film screams 30s. But 22% is really really solid.)

Reviewer Highlight: Pointing out G-Force’s plot holes would be redundant; it’s more hole than plot, and more videogame commercial and exhausted-old-trope clearinghouse than film. – Tasha Robinson, AV Club

Poster – skloG-Force

(Why in the world are they in a desert? And why are there helicopters in the background? Are they… are they implying that these guinea pigs are somehow involved in a ground war in the Middle East? My word. D)

Tagline(s) – The world needs bigger heroes (A-)

(Ha! I don’t like the poster at all, but I like this tagline. It’s funny. So sue me.)

Keyword(s) – 2007-2015

Top 10: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), The Hangover Part II (2011), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Terminator Salvation (2009), Due Date (2010), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 90.5 Vampires Suck (2010), 84.2 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.2 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 78.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.0 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 78.0 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 77.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.5 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.1 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012), 75.2 The Apparition (2012), 75.0 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.4 God’s Not Dead (2014), 74.1 The Spirit (2008), 73.6 The Last Exorcism Part II (2013), 73.2 The Unborn (2009), 72.1 Dance Flick (2009), 71.3 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.9 Texas Chainsaw (2013)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Scary Movie V (2013), The Last Airbender (2010), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Love Guru (2008), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011), Norbit (2007), Movie 43 (2013), I Know Who Killed Me (2007), Prom Night (2008), Bratz (2007), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Dragon Wars: D-War (2007), One Missed Call (2008), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Skyline (2010), The Devil Inside (2012), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014), Ouija (2014), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Furry Vengeance (2010), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), After Earth (2013), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), The Gallows (2015), Jonah Hex (2010), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (2011), Getaway (2013), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), The Boy Next Door (2015), …

Best Options (Fist Fight): 75.0 Superhero Movie (2008), 69.6 College Road Trip (2008), 64.8 Sex Tape (2014), 63.5 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 61.6 G-Force (2009), 59.4 First Sunday (2008), 55.1 Evan Almighty (2007), 54.4 The Counselor (2013), 52.3 How Do You Know (2010), 50.5 Cop Out (2010), 48.6 Lottery Ticket (2010), 43.9 Prom (2011), 42.8 12 Rounds (2009), 40.1 The Heartbreak Kid (2007), 37.9 Think Like a Man Too (2014), 37.1 Hall Pass (2011), 34.1 Taken 3 (2014), 30.4 Vacation (2015), 24.7 The Internship (2013), 24.7 The Change-Up (2011), 24.7 Horrible Bosses 2 (2014), 24.0 Before I Go to Sleep (2014), 23.2 Secret in Their Eyes (2015), 21.7 Let’s Be Cops (2014), 19.1 Life as We Know It (2010), 18.6 For Colored Girls (2010), 15.8 The Odd Life of Timothy Green (2012), 15.2 Men, Women & Children (2014), 14.8 Max (2015), 14.2 Death Sentence (2007), 13.6 When the Game Stands Tall (2014), 4.7 Little Boy (2015)

(Because it is really considered to be quite bad this is actually an impressive option. Spoiler: I’ve actually seen Sex Tape (a boring commercial for an iPad and Apple cloud storage) and Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (really unpleasant and unnecessary), so those were never in the cards. This gave the best through-line for the chain in the end.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Nicolas Cage is No. 5 billed in G-Force and No. 1 billed in The Wicker Man, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (5 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 13. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Director Hoyt Yeatman’s son, Hoyt Yeatman IV, came up with the original idea for the film when he was five years old. Yeatman liked his son’s story so much that he brought it to producer Jerry Bruckheimer.

The “Coke” Ferris wheel shown in the movie is located on the island of Okinawa, Japan in a shopping and entertainment district called “American Village.”

This was Jerry Bruckheimer’s first 3-D film.

Nicolas Cage’s 2nd time voice acting in a theatrical film, after The Ant Bully (2006).

This is the second film that Nicolas Cage and Steve Buscemi made with Jerry Bruckheimer since Con Air (1997).

The Dark Tower Recap

Jamie

Now here’s the main event. Everything about The Dark Tower saga was a disaster. We aren’t just talking about a Stephen King adaptation, which historically have been a boon for BMT. We aren’t just talking about a “long gestating project” where every filmmaker under the sun declared the property to be very important to them, wanting to make a multimedia empire of it, and then bailing once the gestation got even longer. We aren’t just talking about a bold reimagining of the property to the point where the filmmakers had to be like “no no no, you don’t understand. It’s not actually an adaptation of The Dark Tower… it’s just another entry in the series.” This is all three of those things. Once aiming to encompass the series in films, TV, Quibi shows (probably), etc. they instead dropped a 95 minute original Dark Tower story right in the laps of the fans of the series. That… didn’t go well.

To recap, Jake Chambers is a boy who dreams about all kinds of crazy things. He dreams of a man in black aiming to destroy the world using the minds of kids like himself. He dreams of a gunslinger who is one of the only ones that stands in his way. He dreams of alien creatures scouring the Earth for… him. This would all be OK if it wasn’t for the fact that they make everyone think he’s crazy. It’s also a little strange that while he’s dreaming these things there appears to be a real life connection to a series of earthquakes in NYC. When his mom and stepdad look to send him to a special school to take care of things he starts to suspect that his dreams are real and those that have arrived to take him away are in the service of the man in black. He makes a run for it and goes in search of a house he saw in his dreams. Once there he is sucked into another dimension… the world that he dreamed of. There he finds Roland, the gunslinger, and he is convinced to help Jake interpret his dreams about the man in black, who Roland knows as Walter. Meanwhile, Walter follows the path of Jake and kills his mother and stepdad after determining that Jake is powerful enough to single handedly achieve his goal: destroying the Dark Tower and consuming Earth. Jake and Roland find out that they have to go back to Earth to get to the Tower and while there Jake is captured by Walter. Before he is taken to the Tower he is able to alert Roland about how to follow and then keeps the portal open so that Walter and Roland have to fight. They do and Roland wins. He and Jake destroy the machine and head off on many adventures we are sure to see in the sequels. THE END.

I’m always a little ready to defend films like this. Just because something doesn’t stay true to the source material doesn’t mean it’s necessarily bad. Maybe by not reading the Dark Tower books it would put me in a position to be like “it’s more different than bad.” Ehhhhhh. They really did take a beloved book franchise by a master of fantasy, science fiction, and horror and turned it into a YA novel. It reads like Harry Potter or The Maze Runner or, god help us, Divergent. It honestly is a lot like what the Platonic Solids series would be (with fewer sexy swamp monsters and phantoms of the opera). Imagine for a second that they made the It film and instead of it being a horror film it was more like Stand By Me with McConaughey playing Pennywise who now isn’t a clown but more like a land developer looking to turn their pops’ soda pop shop into a parking lot… people might have a problem with that. Just to end on a positive note, I did like how short it was and also there was a scene where Idris Elba shoots someone from like a mile away that was cool. He gunslang real good. Otherwise, I already barely remember this movie and fully understand the reviews.

Hot Take Clam Bake! What if… Earth was actually the dreams. Whooooaaaaa. Maybe when Jake was dreaming he was actually awake and when we see Jake on Earth it’s actually the dream. Five seconds after the end of the film it actually ends with a close up on Roland’s eye and it opens. Then Roland’s wife is like “Honey, you OK. Another dream?” and he’s like “Yah… I dreamed about that kid Jake again… I gotta draw it out.” And he rolls out of bed and makes a sick charcoal drawing of Jake and hangs it up on his wall amongst all the other pictures of Jake. Then the movie starts in on a perfect, straight adaptation of The Gunslinger and fans. Go. Crazy. Hot Take Temperature: The Scorch.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about yet another Stephen King adaptation except this is for maybe the fourth (?) book in a long running franchise … someone check on Stephen King he might be doing too much cocaine again. Let’s go!

Whoops they accidentally made this a Young Adult novel adaptation.

Because I’ve read the first in the series before and it is a weird and wild western / sci-fi / fantasy oddity. The stuff in this movie I don’t think comes into play until Stephen King almost died in that car accident and then he started to connect all his books via the inbetween worlds from The Mist. I think the big mistake was jumping directly into the middle of the series. If anything, make a prequel movie which then ends with Roland wandering the desert in the first book.

Instead we jump right into a story about the Dark Tower protecting humanity, and the Man in Black, and some kid, etc. etc. etc.

The kid BTW appears to just have a British accent at times. No offense to him but there are zero kids in the US who could have played this part? Are we so lacking in acting talent that you couldn’t at least plug that hole before it broke open. The accent work is quite distracting.

I do somewhat appreciate the lore though, and I also appreciate that the film doesn’t feel the need to twist stuff around to give Roland a love interest or something else weird. It has that YA feel, but more in the vein of father-son bonding rather than high school drama. That is probably at least a decent option out of all the bad YA options available.

Yeah, just a weird start to what was clearly supposed to be the beginning of a franchise. I’m not sure if they were thinking of then jumping backwards, forging a new path forwards, or whether tying up all the loose ends was just a desperate ploy once they realized that this film was not going to be well received and the franchise was dead in the water.

A decent Product Placement (What?) for Coca-Cola in the middle of the film. A bizarre Setting as a Character (Where?) for New York City since I half-expected them to reveal the kid was actually from England since that is how he sounded a lot of the time. The MacGuffin (Why?) of the Dark Tower and The Man in Black and The Gunslinger is mighty close to being that perfect Cradle of Life nonsense I love to see, but doesn’t quite get there. I think the movie is Bad, mostly boring and too YA to be entertaining, just kind of sad.

Read about my sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Fist Fight Recap

Jamie

The premise of the year-long cycle is to get a whole mess of great BMT films and feed Franchise Man till he’s big and fat. Unfortunately this is also creating some angst when it comes to the always tricky Chain Reaction entry in the cycle. We have to keep on moving backwards and so how can we be sure to pick up the best of the best when we need to connect Fool’s Paradise to some random film from 2016-2022? It’s one step too far and means that instead of watching the Stephen King catastrophe of an adaptation, The Dark Tower, we instead insist on watching Fist Fight starring Charlie Day… Fist Fight?! Fist Fight. What are we doing here? A double bonus week, that’s what we’re doing. Now you might be saying “Hey wait, aren’t you guys always falling behind? And you’re going to do a double bonus week for no reason?” The answer to that is simple. Yes and yes.

To recap, Charlie Day is a teacher with an expanding family, a lack of backbone, and a tenuous hold on his job. It’s the end of the year and pink slips are being given out at an alarming rate all while Senior Prank Day is going unchecked by the administration. His fellow teacher, Ice Cube, faces this power vacuum by levying out corporal punishment and verbal tirades against the kids in his class to the point where it is upsetting. When Charlie points out a prankster in his midsts, Ice Cube goes nuclear and ultimately Charlie has to tattle on him to try to keep his job. Now the target of Ice Cube, Charlie spends the rest of the last day of school trying to prevent Ice Cube from beating him up in the parking lot after school. This involves attempting to bribe the kid you told on Ice Cube to recant his statement (he does, but the fight is still on) and trying to get Ice Cube arrested (which ends up with both of them in jail). Once back at school Charlie becomes jaded by the lack of care that the superintendent is giving to laying off his fellow teachers and grows a backbone. He lays into him and storms off to be at his daughter’s talent show. There they perform a crude rendition of a song, further cementing Charlie as a “bad boy who doesn’t give a – shut your mouth.” Jazzed up on all this backbone, Charlie heads back to the school where he battles Ice Cube and holds his own. At the end he finds out that his wife is giving birth and he and Ice Cube make up. Using the publicity that the fight generated, Charlie is able to help everyone keep their jobs and gets the school more money. THE END.

Fist Fight is way better than I expected it to be. You can see clearly why someone would read the script and be like “oh yeah, this setup has a lot of potential.” It’s like a spoof film in how far they take the bit about the kids running rampant over the school. We also get Kumail Nanjiani in a funny role and a musical act involving Day and his kid that is actually amusing rather than cringey. The only issue I had was a reliance on improvisation for the script. Someone still has to say something funny once in a while for the improv to work. Apparently people didn’t for long stretches of time. Either that or they were choosing the wrong takes. Still it was better than I thought it would be and the final fight more or less paid off so I’m not sure what happened with the reviews. Maybe critics just didn’t like Day spending a five minute section in the middle of the film shooting a commercial for Apple.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Ice Cube killed Charlie Day in the final fight. He punched him in the face and shattered his skull and Charlie Day died. Notice how everything worked out so well for everyone after he got his skull caved in and he (allegedly) didn’t die? That’s because he (not so allegedly) actually did die. Ice Cube killed him, went to jail, and then the school had to shut down when Day’s wife sued the town for his wrongful death and won a whole boatload of money and everyone lived happily ever after (except Ice Cube (and Charlie Day because he died)). Hot Take Temperature: Macbook Pro

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Hollywood megastar and definitely leading man Charlie Day fighting Hollywood megastar and perennial mean-one-in-an-unlikely-movie-odd-couple Ice Cube? Let’s go!

The movie is definitely funnier than expected. Nanjiani and Day in particular are both quite good in their parts, and I laughed more than once. That is an unexpectedly high number of times to laugh during a bad comedy. I usually laugh zero times. Or even worse, somehow a bad comedy peers into my soul and erases previously laughs from my life, making me sadder both now and in the past somehow.

I like that they didn’t pull punches with Ice Cube in the film. He isn’t just kind of mean. He isn’t just kind of rough around the edges. He is a genuine psycho who should definitely have been fired.

If anything one of the major issues of the film is what I’d call the Sandler Effect. In (mostly older) Adam Sandler films there is often a moment where he for one reason or another decides to beat the shit out of someone. Sure this person usually seems to have it coming in some ways, but still, Sandler assaults this person and then (worse) the movie twists itself and bends reality to convince you that this was definitely the correct thing to do, thus doubling down on what is already a bad message.

In this film Ice Cube is a psycho who hacks a desk to pieces and deserves to be fired. After getting his just desserts he turns around and decides to fight Day for the somewhat tenuous reason of “snitches get stitches”. Cool, he’s a psycho so this logically makes sense. But then the twist’em’ups keeps coming. Now Ice Cube figures there is no reason to fight Day because he’s a coward, but he needs to show kids that actions (getting Ice Cube fired for being a psycho) have consequences (beating up Day in front of the school) … uh okay, you’re a psycho so that logic I guess still makes sense. But then in the end Ice Cube even acknowledges that this would be fruitless, but he is still going to beat the shit out of Day because then the world will see how the broken U.S. education system has pitted teacher against teacher and yada yada yada change or whatever. Which is … that is well beyond lunatic behavior and now is into a realm of nonsense all unto itself. But then what does the movie do? Twist itself up and bends reality to vindicate Ice Cube and that is precisely what happens! People see the teacher fight and the school saves its teachers and everything lives happily ever after, hooray! Crazy.

The second weirdest bit is the Apple commercial that occurs in the middle of the film where Day buys multiple Apple MacBook Pros with AppleCare and his wife is like “THIS COMPUTER IS AWESOME!” C’mon now.

So yeah. This film kind of feels like a movie I would have written in creative writing class when I was 16 complete with messy nonsensical third act.

It might win the Product Placement (What?) for the Apple MacBook ad in the middle of the film. I think I’m going with Super Secret Holiday Film (When?) for the last day of school which does come up in other films with some relative frequency. And yeah, I’m going with a Worst Twist (How?) for the inevitable conclusion that Day doesn’t win the fight, but that he does well enough that everyone respects him a bit more. I think the film is closest to Good, I laughed a few times.

Read about my Hollywood-esque sequel to the film in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Dark Tower Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I have a beautiful mind. You knew that. But did you know my beautiful mind could destroy the universe! Welp, that’s why the baddies captured me, and bopped me on the head. Now I can’t remember a thing (my mind is not quite as beautiful!). Do you remember what happened in The Dark Tower?

1) The Dark Tower can be taken down by the mind of a child. The attempt to destroy the tower is causing issues in the real world as well. What?

2) Jake keeps seeing the numbers 19-19 in his dreams. What does it refer to?

3) What, in reality, makes Jake so special? Hint: It forges a connection with other works of Stephen King.

4) And what a twist! What are the guns that the last Gunslinger uses forged from?

5) How does Roland ultimately kill the Man in Black?

Bonus Question: Oh, shoot. It’s my new agent Edgar. I should probably take this. What does he want?

Answers

Fist Fight Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I just got in a huge fight, seemingly for no reason because the reason kept on changing? Regardless I got my face smashed and now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Fist Fight?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Wait … is this a holiday film. What “holiday” is occurring in the beginning of the film which has the teachers a tad bit on edge?

2) Well yeah, they are teachers. What two subjects do the two fighters in the film teach?

3) What instigates the titular fight?

4) In a last ditch plan to avoid the the fight, how does Charlie Day attempt to dispatch Ice Cube?

5) So … who wins the fight? Also, more importantly, who wins the talent contest?

Bonus Question: I’m putting my finishing touches on the Collateral Beauty sequel when my new agent David calls up. He sounds distraught. What does he want?

Answers

The Dark Tower Preview

The beautiful lady introduces herself as Samantha and Patrick can tell by the look in Jamie’s eyes that he’s already a goner. Patrick looks at Jamie’s half horse costume and wonders whether “The Eyes are the Window to the Soul” lesson has already gone too far off the tracks. Although, the way that Samantha is eying how the horse’s costume behind hugs Jamie’s own behind makes Patrick think that all is not lost. He sidles up to Jamie and whispers out of the side of his mouth, “I hope you got jorts under that horse costume, cause we’re gonna razzle dazzle with a patented Twin California Two Step.” Before Jamie can nod, Kyle sidles up on his other side and whispers, “Hope you guys know the Triplet Ohio Three Step, cause we’re all in this together.” This is thoroughly confusing. As everyone knows, there is no Triplet Ohio Three Step and Kyle has never danced in his life. Before they can utter a “What thuuu…,” though, Samantha grabs Jamie’s arm and alerts him to the music cue indicating that their time on stage is now. “This is really important to me,” she says breathlessly and no more convincing is needed to get Jamie and Samantha galloping their way to the stage. “Welp, Kyle, good thing the Twin California Two Step has a variation involving a horse.” With that they jump on to stage and “razzle dazzle” would be an understatement. The crowd is stunned. The horse is grooving while Patrick flings Kyle from one side of the catwalk to the other. Just as they are about to finish, though, Jamie bursts from the costume and grabs Patrick by his jean jacket. “What’s the deal, man, you trying to steal my girl?” Looks like things are about to get rough. That’s right! We are actually doubling up for next week by watching not just 2017’s Fist Fight, but also 2017’s The Dark Tower. Why? Is there some hidden connection between these two apparently unrelated films? Nope. They are indeed unrelated. It’s just that we needed Fist Fight for a connection to Fool’s Paradise and I couldn’t handle not watching the Stephen King adaptation disaster. So why not both? Let’s go!

The Dark Tower (2017) – BMeTric: 47.8; Notability: 51

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 10.8%; Notability: top 6.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 5.6%; Higher BMeT: The Emoji Movie, Jeepers Creepers III, Fifty Shades Darker, Death Note, Tubelight, Rings, The Bye Bye Man, Day of the Dead: Bloodline, Snatched, Transformers: The Last Knight, The Humanity Bureau, Leatherface, The Layover, The Snowman, Amityville: The Awakening, Flatliners, Geostorm, The Circle, Wish Upon, The Mummy, and 7 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: The Last Knight, Justice League, Sandy Wexler, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, The Mummy, The Emoji Movie, King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, Bright, The Current War, Geostorm, CHIPS, Tulip Fever, Suburbicon, Baywatch, American Assassin; Lower RT: Naked, The Layover, Flatliners, Hangman, The Emoji Movie, The Snowman, Rings, Tulip Fever, American Renegades, Fifty Shades Darker, Day of the Dead: Bloodline, The Vanishing of Sidney Hall, First Kill, The Mummy; Notes: I already ran through the top ones in the Fist Fight preview. I’ll say, a little surprised Amityville: The Awakening could even drum up enough interest to get a halfway decent BMeT. There’s 15K votes on IMDb, which seems absurd. It is just one of the many random Amityville “sequels” made in the last 10 years.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.” With that great opening line, an obsession began for millions of readers of Stephen King’s series of books that would eventually be known as The Dark Tower. … I only mention all of this to place the failure of the long-delayed “The Dark Tower” in the right perspective: this isn’t just a mediocre movie—although it is most definitely that—it is a wasted opportunity to fulfill the promise of that opening line from 35 years ago. … “The Dark Tower” is hollow. It is soulless. It is a film that never quite figured out what it wanted to be, and so elected to be nothing much at all. Worst of all, it’s clearly been chopped up by those reported reshoots and test screening edits.

(This review appears to be from a genuine fan who was somewhat distraught by what the movie was. Which is interesting. I have heard the last part of the series gets a bit wonky, so that does seem to bear it out. The first is kind of a world building exercise. Then there is an excellent sci-fi- trilogy, and then a wonky concluding almost-meta trilogy I think.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZC5FoJ-cPU/

(Looks pretty okay, and got some good actors. Doing a decent job hiding the fact that the main character is actually the kid … which causes some issues for the film I feel like. Should have started from the first book honestly.)

Directors – Nikolaj Arcel – ( Known For: A Royal Affair; The Promised Land; Kongekabale; De fortabte sjæles ø; Truth About Men; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: )

Writers – Akiva Goldsman – ( Known For: A Beautiful Mind; I Am Legend; I, Robot; Cinderella Man; A Time to Kill; The Client; Future BMT: The Da Vinci Code; Angels & Demons; The Divergent Series: Insurgent; Practical Magic; Silent Fall; BMT: Batman & Robin; Batman Forever; Transformers: The Last Knight; The Dark Tower; The 5th Wave; Lost in Space; Winter’s Tale; Rings; Notes: From the man who butchered I, Robot I suppose. He seems like a guy who is often brought in for heavy adaptations. Won an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind.)

Jeff Pinkner – ( Known For: The Amazing Spider-Man 2; Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle; Jumanji: The Next Level; Future BMT: Venom; BMT: The Dark Tower; The 5th Wave; Notes: Classic career. Went from 90s television, to regular script work, to now being enlisted for big adaptations of random franchises. He’s apparently writing an adaptation of the cartoon M.A.S.K. It seems quite far along, has other writers and a director attached including Michael Chabon.)

Anders Thomas Jensen – ( Known For: Brothers; Antichrist; The Duchess; Riders of Justice; Adam’s Apples; The Salvation; In a Better World; After the Wedding; The Green Butchers; Flickering Lights; In China They Eat Dogs; Love Is All You Need; Men & Chicken; Red Road; Brothers; Open Hearts; Gamle mænd i nye biler; The Promised Land; Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself; Mifune; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: Oh he wrote The Promised Land. That is supposed to be quite good. Stars Mads Mikkelsen, and this guy actually kind of looks like him.)

Nikolaj Arcel – ( Known For: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo; Riders of Justice; A Royal Affair; Department Q: The Keeper of Lost Causes; Department Q: The Absent One; Department Q: A Conspiracy of Faith; The Promised Land; Kongekabale; Rejsen til Saturn; De fortabte sjæles ø; Fighter; Truth About Men; A Death Sentence; Cecilie; Future BMT: Catch That Kid; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: The Director of The Promised Land … I’m going to guess this wasn’t a super great experience in Hollywood. At least Arcel made Catch that Kid and a few other maybe more normal Hollywood experiences.)

Stephen King – ( Known For: The Shawshank Redemption; The Green Mile; The Shining; It; Stand by Me; The Mist; It Chapter Two; 1408; Misery; Doctor Sleep; Secret Window; Carrie; The Running Man; Carrie; Gerald’s Game; Pet Sematary; Pet Sematary; Christine; The Dead Zone; 1922; Future BMT: Children of the Corn; Thinner; Creepshow 2; Needful Things; Sleepwalkers; The Mangler; Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice; BMT: The Dark Tower; Dreamcatcher; The Lawnmower Man; Firestarter; Maximum Overdrive; Firestarter; The Rage: Carrie 2; Graveyard Shift; Notes: Our 9th King eh. And seven to go. I think we can knock that down to at least 5 this year. I remembering reading somewhere that the meta elements from these books grew out of his experience of almost dying after getting hit by a car in Maine.)

Actors – Idris Elba – ( Known For: Avengers: Infinity War; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Thor; Thor: Ragnarok; Thor: The Dark World; Prometheus; Zootopia; Pacific Rim; American Gangster; The Suicide Squad; Thor: Love and Thunder; Finding Dory; 28 Weeks Later; The Jungle Book; RocknRolla; Star Trek Beyond; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; Molly’s Game; Extraction II; The Losers; Future BMT: The Mountain Between Us; Takers; The Unborn; The Reaping; Prom Night; Obsessed; No Good Deed; Daddy’s Little Girls; The Gospel; BMT: The Dark Tower; Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance; Cats; The Gunman; Notes: Nominated for five Emmys, mostly for Luther. Was always swirling around as a possible Bond guy, and obviously quite famous for playing Stringer Bell in The Wire.)

Matthew McConaughey – ( Known For: Interstellar; The Wolf of Wall Street; Dallas Buyers Club; Tropic Thunder; The Gentlemen; Contact; How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days; The Lincoln Lawyer; Dazed and Confused; Sing; Mud; A Time to Kill; Magic Mike; Reign of Fire; Kubo and the Two Strings; Frailty; U-571; Sing 2; Killer Joe; Amistad; Future BMT: Sahara; Two for the Money; Paparazzi; Larger Than Life; My Boyfriend’s Back; BMT: The Dark Tower; Ghosts of Girlfriends Past; The Wedding Planner; Failure to Launch; Fool’s Gold; Serenity; Angels in the Outfield; Tiptoes; Notes: Famously a true blue Texas guy. He had the McConaughissaince a few years ago after years of doing romantic movies and being in the wilderness a bit, starting from winning the Oscar for Dallas Buyers Club. Now I think he mostly sells Lincolns? I was joking until I saw his upcoming projects, he’s kind of done nothing of note for the last few years and doesn’t have much upcoming either.)

Tom Taylor – ( Known For: The Kid Who Would Be King; BMT: The Dark Tower; Notes: Kid actor in this film, he’s been cast in the next season of House of the Dragon as a Stark.)

Budget/Gross – $60,000,000 / Domestic: $50,701,325 (Worldwide: $113,232,316)

(Pretty disastrous, at least bad enough that I’m not surprised they nixed all film and television projects related to it. Surprisingly low budget.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 15% (43/279): Go then, there are other Stephen King adaptations than these.

(Wow, 15% is quite a bit lower than I expected. And there certainly a lot of Stephen King adaptations to potentially avoid watching bad ones.)

Reviewer Highlight: About the only thing holding it together is Idris Elba, whose irrepressible magnetism and man-of-stone solidity anchors this mess but can’t redeem it. – Manohla Dargis, New York Times

Poster – The Dork Tower

(Inception, ever heard of it? Trying to incept our minds into thinking we want to see this film. C.)

Tagline(s) – There are other worlds than these (D)

(Cool story, bro.)

Keyword(s) – 2015-2023

Top 10: Avengers: Endgame (2019), Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Deadpool (2016), Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (2015), Parasite (2019), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), The Martian (2015), The Revenant (2015), Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)

Future BMT: 85.1 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 79.3 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.9 Black Christmas (2019), 76.1 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.6 The Grudge (2020), 73.6 The Turning (2020), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.6 Poltergeist (2015), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.0 Max Steel (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.3 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 64.7 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 63.4 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.7 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.2 Like a Boss (2020), 61.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015)

BMT: The Emoji Movie (2017), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Fantastic Four (2015), Holmes & Watson (2018), Fifty Shades of Black (2016), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Rings (2017), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Zoolander 2 (2016), The Gallows (2015), The Boy Next Door (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Fantasy Island (2020), The Exorcist: Believer (2023), Firestarter (2022), Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Moonfall (2022), After We Fell (2021), Blacklight (2022), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Morbius (2022), Hot Pursuit (2015), The 5th Wave (2016), Hellboy (2019), The Snowman (2017), Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021),…

Best Options (Fools Paradise): 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 48.2 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 44.7 Fist Fight (2017), 43.8 House Party (2023), 43.2 Underworld: Blood Wars (2016), 38.9 Masterminds (2015), 31.0 Wonder Park (2019), 30.4 Vacation (2015), 27.3 The Comedian (2016), 23.2 Secret in Their Eyes (2015), 18.7 Entourage (2015), 18.5 Peppermint (2018), 14.9 The Book of Henry (2017)

(And there’s the rub. You see, we wanted to do The Dark Tower, but we couldn’t fit it into the cycle as the 2017 entry because that had to be used in the Chain … so we cheated a bit and did it as a bonus. No regrets.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Idris Elba is No. 1 billed in The Dark Tower and No. 4 billed in Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch Two for the Money we can get the HoE Number down to 10.

Notes – The Dark Tower is a series of eight books which span an entire connected universe which links several other books and stories by Stephen King, including Bag of Bones, The Talisman, Black House, The Stand, Everything’s Eventual, From a Buick 8, Hearts in Atlantis, Insomnia, The Eyes of the Dragon, and ‘Salem’s Lot, with minor references to IT, The Mist, and The Shining.

During the first act of the film, several Stephen King Easter eggs are visible. The twins from The Shining (1980), the hotel from The Shining (but in a photograph), the family (including the dog) from Cujo (1983), and the car from Christine (1983) (as the toy pushed by Jake in his room) are each shown briefly. Toward the end, there is the Rita Hayworth picture from The Shawshank Redemption (1994). Not to mention the ‘Pennywise’ theme park. The portal that Jake’s told to remember as his way back is 1408, title of 1408 (2007).

According to an introduction by Stephen King in one of his books, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) along with the “Lord of the Rings” book series, is the primary influence for his book series: “The Dark Tower.”

Roland sees a TV commercial with talking raccoons and asks Jake if ‘animals still talk here’. This is a nod to the character Oy in the books; a talking raccoon-like creature called a Billy Bumbler whom Jake befriends.

Dr. Hotchkiss, Jake’s psychiatrist, has a picture in his office of the Overlook Hotel, from The Shining (1980), another film based on a Stephen King novel.

Fist Fight Preview

Fist Fight (2017) – BMeTric: 44.7; Notability: 32

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 13.2%; Notability: top 15.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 13.7%; Higher BMeT: The Emoji Movie, Jeepers Creepers III, Fifty Shades Darker, Death Note, Tubelight, Rings, The Bye Bye Man, Day of the Dead: Bloodline, Snatched, Transformers: The Last Knight, The Humanity Bureau, Leatherface, The Layover, The Snowman, Amityville: The Awakening, Flatliners, Geostorm, The Circle, Wish Upon, The Mummy, and 13 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: The Last Knight, Justice League, Sandy Wexler, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, The Mummy, The Emoji Movie, King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, Bright, The Current War, Geostorm, CHIPS, Tulip Fever, Suburbicon, Baywatch, American Assassin, The Dark Tower, Fifty Shades Darker, Pitch Perfect 3, The House, The Circle, and 19 more; Lower RT: Naked, The Layover, Flatliners, Hangman, The Emoji Movie, The Snowman, Rings, Tulip Fever, American Renegades, Fifty Shades Darker, Day of the Dead: Bloodline, The Vanishing of Sidney Hall, First Kill, The Mummy, The Dark Tower, Transformers: The Last Knight, The Circle, The Space Between Us, Jeepers Creepers III, Father Figures, and 14 more; Notes: Let’s see we save 5 of the top 10 by BMeT which I guess isn’t terrible, some of them don’t qualify I don’t think. I think I’ve also seen 6 of the top 10 by Notability. And 5 of the top 10 for RT. So yeah, kind of halfway on 2017 which makes sense. Late-2010s are just weak in general.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – Given this movie’s punchily obvious trailers, given the fact that its theme is similar to that of a lot of subpar entertainments, given that the producing entitites of Warner Brothers and New Line have teamed up to concoct a large number of cruddy comedies over the past ten years (“Life As We Know It” and “Due Date” spring to mind/are stuck in my craw depending on how you wanna look at it), and given the fact that said studios didn’t deign to show this movie for critics until Wednesday evening, it might be reasonable to infer that “Fist Fight” is gonna be a reasonably weak and mediocre crude yuk fest. … [G]rateful for the fact that “Fist Fight” feels like a movie—a narrative with a beginning, a middle, and an end that all have something to do with each other, … “Fist Fight” stands up, at least a little bit, for storytelling.

(Amazing. I do love when films unexpectedly get decent praise. Just heartening that you can look back at a time when films managed to qualify despite people being like “WHAT? This is genuinely good.”)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXIzrcHduAw/

(Actually makes it look pretty funny. Although it also seems like a script I would have written in creative writing class in high school. Open: a high school, some funny shit and then uh oh a fist fight! Uh ………… then a bunch of other stuff and then … I guess a fist fight?)

Directors – Richie Keen – ( BMT: Fist Fight; Notes: Kind of crazy because he is a huge director for television with a ton of credits, but nothing as far as movies. Seems to have a TV Movie on his slate though which is fun.)

Writers – Van Robichaux and Evan Susser – ( BMT: Fist Fight; Notes: Same thing, a good amount of writing work, but all television, video, shorts stuff. They are apparently on the team trying to develop Wedding Crashers 2.)

Max Greenfield – ( BMT: Fist Fight; Notes: Wait … what the hell? He’s Schmidt from New Girl. That’s nuts. And yeah, he only credit at all for just the “story” so maybe an old spec script they refashioned?)

Actors – Ice Cube – ( Known For: 21 Jump Street; 22 Jump Street; Three Kings; Boyz n the Hood; Friday; xXx: Return of Xander Cage; The Book of Life; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem; Barbershop; Rampart; Higher Learning; Barbershop: The Next Cut; Barbershop 2: Back in Business; Trespass; The High Note; CB4; The Longshots; Something from Nothing: The Art of Rap; The Glass Shield; The Janky Promoters; Future BMT: Next Friday; Friday After Next; All About the Benjamins; First Sunday; Lottery Ticket; The Players Club; I Got the Hook Up; Dangerous Ground; BMT: Ride Along; Anaconda; xXx: State of the Union; Ride Along 2; Ghosts of Mars; Fist Fight; Are We There Yet?; Torque; Are We Done Yet?; Notes: Y’all know Ice Cube. What a career. Is apparently up for some War of the Worlds remake, and of course I do imagine Ride Along 3 will eventually round out the trilogy.)

Charlie Day – ( Known For: Pacific Rim; Horrible Bosses; Monsters University; The Lego Movie; The Super Mario Bros. Movie; Pacific Rim: Uprising; The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part; Going the Distance; Hotel Artemis; I Want You Back; The Hollars; I Love You, Daddy; How It Ends; A Quiet Little Marriage; Future BMT: Horrible Bosses 2; Vacation; BMT: Fist Fight; Fool’s Paradise; Notes: Fool’s Paradise I imagine is quite bad for his directing prospects. He seems to have a few movies in the pipeline, but nothing notable. I imagine they’ll be finishing up It’s Always Sunny at some point.)

Tracy Morgan – ( Known For: The Other Guys; Rio; Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back; Rio 2; The Night Before; Coming 2 America; The Boxtrolls; Death at a Funeral; Spirited; What Men Want; Scoob!; Top Five; The Son of No One; The Star; Accidental Love; The Clapper; Why Stop Now?; Farce of the Penguins; Deep in the Valley; The Undefeated; Future BMT: The Longest Yard; Cop Out; Superhero Movie; Half Baked; G-Force; Head of State; First Sunday; A Thin Line Between Love and Hate; BMT: How High; Little Man; Fist Fight; Are We There Yet?; Notes: Nominated for 2 Emmys for SNL and 30 Rock. I think this was his first major role after his quite bad traffic accident he had in 2014.)

Budget/Gross – $22–25 million / Domestic: $32,187,017 (Worldwide: $41,187,017)

(That actually isn’t that bad. Which I suppose makes sense because Charlie Day was still considered a viable comedic lead afterwards.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 25% (33/133): Fist Fight boasts a surplus of comedic muscle but flails lazily, and far too few of its jokes land with enough force to register.

(The fact that any jokes land is something that would be praised today I feel like. Hell … Argyle is at like 35% still. The movie is terrible and is not funny even by accident. How times have changed.)

Reviewer Highlight: It did give me something I needed. Not catharsis or uplift but a bracing dose of profane, sloppy, reasonably well-directed hostility. We take what we can get. – A.O. Scott, New York Times

Poster – Sklog Fight

(It’s a tad boring, but it’s at least putting in some effort on top of that very boring base. I’ll throw it a bone and give it a C+.)

Tagline(s) – After school. Parking lot. It’s on. (C)

(The structure looks like it’s going to be good, but then it’s not. At least it’s original and relevant, but that’s about it.)

Keyword(s) – 2015-2023

Top 10: Joker (2019), Avengers: Endgame (2019), Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Deadpool (2016), Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (2015), Parasite (2019), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), The Martian (2015), The Revenant (2015)

BMT: Cats (2019), The Emoji Movie (2017), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Fantastic Four (2015), Holmes & Watson (2018), Fifty Shades of Black (2016), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Rings (2017), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Zoolander 2 (2016), The Gallows (2015), The Boy Next Door (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Fantasy Island (2020), The Exorcist: Believer (2023), Firestarter (2022), Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Moonfall (2022), After We Fell (2021), Blacklight (2022), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Morbius (2022), Hot Pursuit (2015), The 5th Wave (2016), Hellboy (2019), The Snowman (2017), Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021), …

Best Options (Fools Paradise): 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 48.2 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 44.8 The House (2017), 44.7 Fist Fight (2017), 43.8 House Party (2023), 43.2 Underworld: Blood Wars (2016), 41.0 The Kitchen (2019), 38.9 Masterminds (2015), 31.0 Wonder Park (2019), 30.4 Vacation (2015), 27.3 The Comedian (2016), 23.2 Secret in Their Eyes (2015), 18.7 Entourage (2015), 18.5 Peppermint (2018), 14.9 The Book of Henry (2017)

(Yeah it was a bit tough to reason about it because we really didn’t want to do Fool’s Paradise in the first place and then even though is seems like it should lead into a ton of places it somehow really doesn’t in the end. So we ended up splitting the difference here: Do Fist Fight as the actual, and then pick up The Dark Tower as a bonus.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Ice Cube is No. 2 billed in Fist Fight and No. 2 billed in Ghosts of Mars, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 4 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 2) + (4 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 13. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – According to Ice Cube, the actual fight sequence took 8 days to shoot.

Tracy Morgan’s first film after his car accident.

Just before being arrested, Ice Cube (Mr. Strickland) says “f**k the police” a reference to a song of the same name by his former rap group N.W.A.

Andy’s reaction to Holly hitting him is the same as Brad Pitts “you got me in the ear” reaction to being hit in Fight Club

Charlie Day and director Richie Keen worked together on FX/FXX’s It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Fool’s Paradise Recap

Jamie

Sigh, what are we going to do with you, Chain Reaction. You have survived 70 actors (without repeats, mind you). You constantly get us into trouble. We’re always like “Gah! How can it be that no one in Furry Vengeance was in a qualifying film based on a book?!” (or something). Ultimately we end up having to pick some movie that no one has ever heard of, that was released in 601 theaters, and has four good reviews out of eleven just to move to the next cycle. Then when we get there we realize that the film we used is actually a tiny nothing film filled with nobodies that did nothing and we are scrambling around again like a couple of scrambling people… … … not saying that that happened here… but how can it be that no one in Angels in the Outfield made a better qualifying film in 2023?!

To recap, an anonymous, mute fool is held in an asylum only to be released as they can’t pay for his treatment. He’s dropped in LA where almost immediately he is recognized as the spitting image of a notoriously difficult method actor currently holding up a big Western. In quite the coincidence he is given some work shooting some scenes in the film at the same time the actor goes a little too method and kills himself. Soon he’s been given the name Latte Pronto and has agents and handlers out the wazoo. He’s thrust in a whirlwind romance with the love interest in the film, into starring in a clearly terrible superhero film, and into some violent situations by his costar. This all comes crashing down immediately and he gets a divorce, loses his representation, and loses all his friends… except… Lenny. Lenny is a super down on his luck PR guy who just needs that one client to make it in the biz. He stands by Latte the whole time even though they are both terrible at their jobs. He tries to get Latte a job, but it turns out to be a porno and Lenny (feeling terrible for being so terrible) has a heart attack. Latte feels for his friends, but through circumstances he is led to believe Lenny has died so he goes out to wander the street. He stumbles into saving the life of a homeless man, getting coerced into politics, and then coerced back out of politics until finally he finds Lenny similarly wandering the street. They reunite and Latte for the first time speaks, showing that Lenny’s friendship is beginning to cure him. They walk away together to take on the world. THE END.

Ho boy, we should not have watched this. This isn’t a patented BMT Existential Crisis (BMTEC), a la Fear, but it got close. If only because there is a complete lack of “Why?” to the film as well as a “How?”… as in ‘how did this end up as a wide release film?’ I just really don’t understand why it appears that Charlie Day cashed in all (and maybe more) of his chips in Hollywood to make this film. I could see if the movie had some message that was really close to his heart, but the message is all muddled. So maybe Day just really likes friendship, maybe that’s the message he really wanted to get across in this… Hollywood satire?… Is it a satire? I can’t tell. Anyway, I’ll end by saying that I actually think some of the acting in this is pretty good. Adrien Brody is fun and I generally don’t like Ken Jeong in anything, but this is the best I’ve seen him act in a film. So that helps bring it up from a total zero.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Day is a time traveler. The act of time traveling addled his brain so what we see in the beginning is him coming from the future. At the end he goes off to take on the world with Lenny. What they end up doing is inventing the time machine. They then concoct a plan to go back in time and make Lenny’s dreams come true. Unfortunately they don’t realize the dangers of creating a TIME LOOP and Day’s mental state is fractured and Lenny is killed as they create a TIME CRISIS. The root of this crisis is the fact that the addled Day is taken from the hospital and the original Day, a method actor and future time machine inventor, sees him. This is impossible to handle and he kills himself. Thus sticking the addled Day in a continuous TIME LOOP CRISIS or TLC. Hot Take Temperature: TLC.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about a first time director given a blank check for no reason and producing what looks like an old-timey Chaplin film with a thousand famous people? Let’s go!

The film is truly wild. It is hard to tell what exactly they were going for. Like, there is a strange mix of both anachronistic stuff (specifically that the big film being produced is a soundstage western, indicating post-war, probably the 50s) and modern stuff (the clear indication that he is tapped for a minor superhero in an MCU equivalent). He is effectively a silent film era actor, but existing in explicitly the modern world complete with takes off of Angelina Jolie etc. It is such a muddled mess that it is no wonder it was at first shelved and ultimately critically panned.

I think the movie would have been far far better served playing it as a joke on old Hollywood, with Day being a quintessential silent film star.

I also was quite confused because the doctor at the beginning basically said he could be led around like a dog, and then for the rest of the film everyone struggles to get him to do anything. It would have worked better if it was specifically more directly about that: a joke on how the Hollywood Machine consumes young actors, makes them into stars by manipulating them, declares them geniuses, and then spits them out. That message is kind of there, but everyone knows Pronto is terrible at acting and is quite frustrated by it. It would have been funnier if they were like “move there and say this” and then when he did they were like “brilliant!” and then the ultimate joke is while they are all smelling their own farts and loving his acting (i.e. their acting) audiences hate him and they can’t figure out why. You see … basically poking fun at the Hollywood Machine and the finicky nature of trying to understand the audience’s whims and wants.

And ultimately you would think a part of the film would be the cycle of consuming actors, chewing them up, and spitting them out via a final scene in which Day returns to the mental institution and they reveal that he’s actually come and gone a few times now, and they don’t know where he goes, and thus Latte Pronto is just one iteration of the world taking in and manipulating him.

It alllllllmost sounds like I’m defending the film, but if you squint you’ll notice I’m actually describing a different, maybe better, film. Fool’s Paradise is a mess and while the actors are game the whole thing never really coalesces around a message and so you end up wondering why you are wasting time on this film in the first place.

Also the film is 100 minutes when it could have and should have been 85 with credits merely by cutting out all of the bad bits involving Charlie Day’s friends, but I can see why he would be resistant to that. It is crazy though, it is a veritable who’s who of actors who are frequent guest stars on It’s Always Sunny passing through each scene.

Obviously a Setting as a Character (Where?) for Hollywood which the film is gently making fun of throughout. And I think the film is closest to Bad as it is just so long and not funny and weird as to be unpleasant.

Uh … I guess I’ll make a sequel to Fool’s Paradise? That’s in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Fool’s Paradise Quiz

Oh man, so I’m actually like … brain damaged it turns out. Probably from the years and years worth of concussions I’ve sustained while doing BMT. But that isn’t here no there because I can become a Hollywood star! Do you remember what happened in Fool’s Paradise?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) We meet our hero at a mental institution. What does the doctor say he is afflicted with?

2) And why does he get picked up off the street by Ray Liotta and how does he end up with the permanent gig?

3) Latte Pronto performs in three films in the film, describe them.

4) After falling out of Hollywood he receives the key to the city, why?

5) Ultimately everything goes full circle and he links up with Jeong again. Why does he initially think Ken Jeong is dead, and what happened to him actually?

Bonus Question: Imagine if we did a sequel to Fool’s Paradise … imagine no more! Latte Pronto gets a call from his agent. What’s the news?

Answers

Fool’s Paradise Preview

Several weeks later, Patrick is camped out at Freddy’s. His binoculars (or ‘nocks, as the kids call them) have been trained on Jamie’s new, very haunted house ever since he abandoned him to the maze. “Jesus, that house is so haunted,” Patrick mumbles. It’s true, but there is a twinge of jealousy to Patrick’s disapproving tone because the only ghosts he’s seen are totally dope. Ghost skateboards, ghost Mountain Dew, and ghost electric guitars as far as the eye can see. “And none of this is even real!” Patrick yells, “We are in a puzzle box after probably being hypnotized!” This outburst earns him a shush from Freddy. “Shut it, Freddy,” Patrick growls, “This whole world is pain and/or pleasure and yet none of it can wake us up. That’s dumb.” He feels a hand on his shoulder and Freddy is there with a piping hot za. It’s The Pinhead, his favorite. “Aw, I’m sorry, Fred. Thanks. This will really tear up my throat,” Patrick says and this moment of kindness from Freddy brings a tear to his eye. He’s never noticed how cozy it is at Freddy’s. He’s been so focused on getting out of here that he forgot to appreciate what he has. Friendship, the torture machine in the corner that always eats your quarters, the jukebox that never stops playing Summer Girls by LFO, the large book called How to Escape the Maze, the… “What thuuu…” Patrick says dumbly as he picks up the book. Suddenly escape is within reach. He just has to figure out how to get into Jamie’s house and convince him to leave with him. As he raises the ‘nocks back to his face he smiles as he sees Jamie put a sign on his door, “Fool’s Paradise. Rooms Available.” Bingo. That’s right! We’re watching Fool’s Paradise… … … Fooooool’s Paradise. Because we have to for the chain. Let’s go!

Fool’s Paradise (2023) – BMeTric: 43.8; Notability: 54

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 7.2%; Notability: top 0.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 2.8%; Higher BMeT: The Exorcist: Believer, Meg 2: The Trench, Expend4bles, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, Best. Christmas. Ever!, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, 65, The Ritual Killer, Five Nights at Freddy’s, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, Maybe I Do, In the Fire, White Men Can’t Jump, Retribution, Hypnotic, Fool’s Paradise; Lower RT: Freelance, The Ritual Killer, 57 Seconds, Expend4bles, In the Fire, On a Wing and a Prayer; Notes: The fact that this tops the notability scale is crazy! It might seem like 54 is low, but all the numbers creep up over time as people get more notable, so there will be some higher ones eventually I think. Then again, the cast here is just so expansive.

RogerEbert.com – 0.5 stars – Hollywood will always be ripe for skewering. It employs too many comedians and takes itself too seriously as a business not to be. Because this topic is so close to home, it means many others have had a few laughs at the industry’s expense already, including Woody Allen mocking their (still growing) number of award shows in “Annie Hall” or even how the Marion Davies comedy “Show People” had fun with the odds characters you meet in entertainment in the 1920s. But “Fool’s Paradise” occupies some mirthless middle ground between “Show People” and the dark Hollywood satire “The Day of the Locust,” and it doesn’t have anything to show for it. Overblown caricatures and stale jokes about “don’t you know who I am?!” and going to see his wife’s shaman are as empty as a finished cup of coffee, and unfortunately, this movie has nothing else to offer for a refill.

(Wow, this is an extremely rare thumbs down from the Roger Ebert site. One star isn’t that crazy, but I can’t remember the last time we saw a real thumbs down. So … that’s exciting.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3j6b_hevaoY/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3j6b_hevaoY/

(It is a really weird idea … and after watching the film I still don’t really know what it is about. I thought it was about like … a Chaplin-esque guy, but that isn’t at all what the trailer seems to be. It seems more like a weirdo who looks like an actor ends up becoming one while not saying any lines? That might be it I suppose.)

Directors – Charlie Day – ( BMT: Fool’s Paradise; Notes: Legit the only thing he’s directed which is crazy. I would have thought he would have done a few It’s Always Sunny episodes at least before making a giant film with a thousand famous actors.)

Writers – Charlie Day – ( BMT: Fool’s Paradise; Notes: He grew up in Rhode Island and both his parents are musicians which maybe explains why his character on It’s Always Sunny is an amazing musician.)

Actors – Charlie Day – ( Known For: Pacific Rim; Horrible Bosses; Monsters University; The Lego Movie; The Super Mario Bros. Movie; Pacific Rim: Uprising; The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part; Going the Distance; Hotel Artemis; I Want You Back; The Hollars; I Love You, Daddy; How It Ends; A Quiet Little Marriage; Future BMT: Horrible Bosses 2; Vacation; Fist Fight; BMT: Fool’s Paradise; Notes: Majored in Art History and it is indicated he was mostly acting in bit parts and waiting tables when he pitched It’s Always Sunny with his costars.)

Ken Jeong – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; The Hangover; Despicable Me; Despicable Me 2; Knocked Up; Pineapple Express; Step Brothers; Role Models; Pain & Gain; Crazy Rich Asians; Turbo; The DUFF; Penguins of Madagascar; The Muppets; Boss Level; My Spy; Scoob!; Over the Moon; Lady and the Tramp; Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween; Future BMT: The Hangover Part II; Transformers: Dark of the Moon; The Hangover Part III; Couples Retreat; Vampires Suck; The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard; Wonder Park; Norm of the North; BMT: Zookeeper; Ride Along 2; All About Steve; Tom & Jerry; Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son; Furry Vengeance; Fool’s Paradise; Notes: Famously a doctor who used to do comedy on the side and then once he got his big break (in Knocked Up maybe?) he quit being a doctor and started acting full time. Probably most notable for Community at this point.)

Kate Beckinsale – ( Known For: The Aviator; Contraband; Serendipity; Vacancy; Everybody’s Fine; Stonehearst Asylum; Much Ado About Nothing; Absolutely Anything; Nothing But the Truth; Jolt; Love & Friendship; Laurel Canyon; The Only Living Boy in New York; The Last Days of Disco; Snow Angels; Shooting Fish; Winged Creatures; Haunted; The Trials of Cate McCall; The Face of an Angel; Future BMT: Click; Underworld; Van Helsing; Total Recall; Underworld: Evolution; Underworld: Rise of the Lycans; Underworld: Awakening; Underworld: Blood Wars; Brokedown Palace; The Disappointments Room; BMT: Pearl Harbor; Whiteout; Tiptoes; Fool’s Paradise; Notes: British and both of her parents were British actors as well. Her father in particular was a television actor of some note who died at the very early age of 31. But he was, for example, in 17 episodes of Porridge which is quite a significant British comedy series of the 70s.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $855,173 (Worldwide: $881,743)

(Obviously catastrophic, but it was shelved for years and seems to have been pushed out in limited release just to get a little money and possibly for contractual reasons. I can’t think of another reason honestly.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 18% (8/45): Fool’s Paradise suggests Charlie Day may have a bright future as a director, but he’ll need to find smarter and more consistently funny scripts.

(Ah interesting. Well … he wrote it alone it would seem. But that is still interesting. I do hope he tries again, I think he is quite the talent and getting an interesting (musical?) film out of him would be fun.)

Reviewer Highlight: You’d need to be Blake Edwards to pull this off. One wishes Day had looked further afield than Hollywood for inspiration. – Nicolas Rapold, New York Times

Poster – Foooooool’s Paradise

(Seems like this is a take on a poster that I don’t get… or maybe it’s just whatever. Not sure. I like the yellow and red, though. Font is slightly better than bad. Overall, C. Some good, some bad.)

Tagline(s) – He’s ready for his close-up. (D)

(Huh. Well that’s not funny. I guess they are playing on the poster… his face it super close-up and he seems a bit scared? Don’t like it.)

Keyword(s) – Year 2023

Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Barbie (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (2023), The Flash (2023)

Future BMT: 84.6 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 67.0 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 48.0 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 43.5 House Party (2023), 37.2 Paint (2023), 35.8 Freelance (2023), 31.6 The Machine (2023), 27.7 Love Again (2023), 24.9 Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023), 20.9 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023), 18.4 Nefarious (2023), 9.1 The Shift (2023), 9.1 Camp Hideout (2023), 8.8 Back on the Strip (2023), 8.3 Sweetwater (2023)

BMT: Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Expend4bles (2023), 65 (2023), Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), Retribution (2023), Hypnotic (2023), Fool’s Paradise (2023), My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), Mafia Mamma (2023), About My Father (2023), Haunted Mansion (2023), Fear (2023)

Best Options (Angels In the Outfield): 43.8 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 9.1 The Shift (2023), 9.1 Camp Hideout (2023)

(Yeah and this was really the only option sadly, those other ones are even less of movies than this one! Also you’d think with the expansive cast you’d get some awesome options coming off of it, but nope. We have a pretty solid idea for it, but still, not as good of a chain as you’d expect.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 11) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Kate Beckinsale is No. 3 billed in Fool’s Paradise and No. 2 billed in Pearl Harbor, which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (3 + 2) + (3 + 3) = 11. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Filmed in 2018, this is one of Ray Liotta’s last films, before his death in 2022.

Charlie Day and Mary Elizabeth Ellis are married in real life, they also star together on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Of the main cast of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005) only Glenn Howerton appears. However multiple guest stars & recurring actors from the show appear in this film: Jason Sudeikis, Mary Elizabeth Ellis, Artemis Pebdani, Leonora Pitts, Jimmi Simpson, Lance Barber, Andrew Leeds, Julia Cho, Alanna Ubach, David Hornsby, Lisa Schwartz, Peter Mackenzie, Christine Horn & Christopher Macken.

Charlie Day’s character is named Latte Pronto. In ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’, in Season 1 Episode 1 around 12:30, Charlie Day is seated at a restaurant and there is a sign with ‘Pronto’ written on it in the background.