Romance – Page 3 – Bad Movie Twins

Collateral Beauty Preview

Later that evening, Jamie, Patrick and Kyle approach the fashion show and glance at the programs they are handed. “Fashion Week: One man’s trash is another man’s treasure,” it reads. “What does that even me…” but before Patrick can finish his thought Jamie is whisked backstage. Taking a seat, Kyle and Patrick are startled by the whispers around them. “I’ve heard these so-called New Models are just trash,” one says and another agrees. “Yes, they are all street urchins from what I understand. Like sea urchins but instead of living in the sea they live in the street.” “Hmmm, right, like trash urchins.” Patrick quickly grabs Kyle and pulls him to the side of the catwalk. “We need to get Jamie and get out of here. This isn’t Fashion Week at all. Look around. Are we in Paris? Do you see Billy Zane? Do you even see Lisa Zane?” Kyle looks around. Indeed. He doesn’t see any Zanes and no Zanes saw him. His only conclusion was that there weren’t any Zanes. They look closer at the program. What they thought had said “Fashion Week” didn’t say that at all! It said “Fashion, Weak”! Saboteur! They rush backstage and find Jamie half dressed in a half horse costume (and I’m not talking the front half). They grab his arms and attempt to get him out of there before the embarrassment starts, but he doesn’t budge. With his rock hard abs tensed, he’s like a statue. “Oh hi fellas, I’m just standing here not flexing with my natural body,” Jamie says with a wink. Confused, they look around and notice that Jamie isn’t alone. A beautiful woman has been cast as his better horse half in this production and it looks like Jamie has found beauty in the most unexpected place. That’s right! It’s a bit of a stretch for that connection, but what does Collateral Beauty even mean? No one knows. Just like how no one knows why this movie was made. This is the Will Smith drama with the jellyfish, right? (It’s not). Let’s go!

Collateral Beauty (2016) – BMeTric: 12.4; Notability: 33

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 26.4%; Notability: top 12.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 8.0%; Higher BMeT: Fifty Shades of Black, Cell, Zoolander 2, The Forest, Exposed, Cabin Fever, Yoga Hosers, Meet the Blacks, Max Steel, The Darkness, Dark Crimes, Blair Witch, Independence Day: Resurgence, Shut In, Get a Job, The Boss, The Other Side of the Door, USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage, Incarnate, Marauders, and 46 more; Higher Notability: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Suicide Squad, Zoolander 2, Independence Day: Resurgence, The Brothers Grimsby, Warcraft, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, Allegiant, Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV, The Huntsman: Winter’s War, Ben-Hur, Now You See Me 2, The Legend of Tarzan, The Great Wall, Criminal, Live by Night, Ride Along 2, Jack Reacher: Never Go Back, Mother’s Day, Monster Trucks, and 12 more; Lower RT: Max Steel, Dark Crimes, Hacker, Cabin Fever, The Darkness, Fifty Shades of Black, Shut In, Mother’s Day, Exposed, The Do-Over, Get a Job, I.T., I Am Wrath, The Forest, Dirty Grandpa, Cell, The Choice, Allegiant, Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV, Brain on Fire; Notes: Isn’t really big on any of them I suppose. Looking at the low RT options we’ve so many. Max Steel is always there though. Truly a delight we still have that as an option, that’ll be quite an odd film to witness finally I feel like.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – I don’t think I’ve witnessed a film this year that managed to so completely and utterly collapse into crass garbage in its last few minutes while abusing what little goodwill it has. Sort of the way a shaky line of dominoes can tumble down in a flash. Forget “Collateral Beauty,” whatever that means. This is “Collateral Schmaltz,” the kind that has the power to close rather than open your heart as you rush out of the theater while the terribly named OneRepublic ballad, “Let’s Hurt Tonight,” provides exit music.

(Oh snap. We got a real The Call situation on our hands? That would be fun. If for a solid 2 hours I watch this with reasonable delight, and then watch the final minutes in horror. Please let this happen.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1tfLWxcEzw/

(Oh my god, this trailer is horrible haha. Also they completely pull the punch … you don’t know at all that this is all kind of a set up by Will Smith’s friends in a craven attempt to get money … yeah, that’s the plot of this film.)

Directors – David Frankel – ( Known For: The Devil Wears Prada; Marley & Me; The Big Year; Hope Springs; Jerry and Marge Go Large; One Chance; Miami Rhapsody; BMT: Collateral Beauty; Notes: His short won an Oscar in 1997. Still directs, although mostly television. His father was a notably executive editor of the New York Times back in the day.)

Writers – Allan Loeb – ( Known For: The Switch; Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps; Here Comes the Boom; Rock of Ages; Things We Lost in the Fire; So Undercover; The Only Living Boy in New York; Future BMT: 21; BMT: Just Go with It; Collateral Beauty; The Dilemma; The Space Between Us; Notes: Hasn’t written anything since, but has three projects in the works in some capacity.)

Actors – Will Smith – ( Known For: I Am Legend; Men in Black; Independence Day; I, Robot; The Pursuit of Happyness; Hancock; Men in Black 3; Hitch; Aladdin; Bad Boys; Focus; Enemy of the State; Bright; Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues; Bad Boys for Life; King Richard; Ali; Concussion; Jersey Girl; The Legend of Bagger Vance; Future BMT: Seven Pounds; Bad Boys II; Shark Tale; Gemini Man; Made in America; BMT: Suicide Squad; Men in Black II; After Earth; Wild Wild West; Collateral Beauty; Winter’s Tale; Notes: Nominated three times for Oscars, finally winning for King Richard (something else happened that night … I can’t recall). Has 5 upcoming projects still. Notably was selected by Quincy Jones specifically for Fresh Prince.)

Edward Norton – ( Known For: Fight Club; American History X; The Grand Budapest Hotel; Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance); The Incredible Hulk; Glass Onion; The Illusionist; The Italian Job; Moonrise Kingdom; The Dictator; The Bourne Legacy; Alita: Battle Angel; Red Dragon; Primal Fear; Sausage Party; Isle of Dogs; 25th Hour; Rounders; The Invention of Lying; The French Dispatch; Future BMT: Kingdom of Heaven; Pride and Glory; After the Sunset; BMT: Collateral Beauty; Notes: Nominated for three Oscars, most recently for Birdman. Notoriously difficult to work with and notable for re-editing several films he was involved with after the fact, American History X being the most significant story.)

Kate Winslet – ( Known For: Titanic; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; Divergent; Avatar: The Way of Water; The Holiday; Contagion; The Reader; Revolutionary Road; Finding Neverland; Steve Jobs; Flushed Away; Carnage; The Life of David Gale; Sense and Sensibility; Little Children; Triple 9; Heavenly Creatures; The Dressmaker; Quills; Labor Day; Future BMT: The Divergent Series: Insurgent; The Mountain Between Us; How to Lose Friends & Alienate People; All the King’s Men; BMT: Movie 43; Collateral Beauty; Notes: She’s been nominated 7 times for an Oscar, and won (surprisingly I think) for The Reader. Is going to be in an upcoming based on a true story film about some cryptocoin scam.)

Budget/Gross – $36,000,000 / Domestic: $31,016,021 (Worldwide: $88,616,021)

(Eh, probably wasn’t a huge loser. But a Will Smith film probably wants to look at $60+ if not $100+ domestic for the stacked cast it is putting out there.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 13% (25/187): Well-meaning but fundamentally flawed, Collateral Beauty aims for uplift but collapses in unintentional hilarity.

(Ooooooo. Although, something tells me you had to have seen it at the time to get it. An earnest romantic drama getting into theaters these days? Impossible. And thus it might just feel pretty charming.)

Reviewer Highlight: The five stages of grief sometimes seem applicable to movie reviewing, except that I usually skip denial, rarely get around to acceptance and generally just settle into anger, which is where I am with “Collateral Beauty.” – Manohla Dargis, New York Times

Poster – Collateral Booty

(Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. F.)

Tagline(s) – We are all connected (D)

(Nooooo. Nooooo. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo.)

Keyword(s) – 2015-2023

Top 10: Avengers: Endgame (2019), Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Deadpool (2016), Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (2015), Parasite (2019), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), The Martian (2015), The Revenant (2015), Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)

Future BMT: 79.3 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.8 Black Christmas (2019), 76.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.6 The Grudge (2020), 73.6 The Turning (2020), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.6 Poltergeist (2015), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.0 Max Steel (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.3 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 64.7 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 63.4 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.7 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.2 Like a Boss (2020), 61.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015), 59.4 Jem and the Holograms (2015)

BMT: Cats (2019), The Emoji Movie (2017), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Fantastic Four (2015), Holmes & Watson (2018), Fifty Shades of Black (2016), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Rings (2017), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Zoolander 2 (2016), The Gallows (2015), The Boy Next Door (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Fantasy Island (2020), The Exorcist: Believer (2023), Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Moonfall (2022), After We Fell (2021), Blacklight (2022), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Morbius (2022), Hot Pursuit (2015), The 5th Wave (2016), Hellboy (2019), The Snowman (2017), Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021), … (and many more)

Best Options (Romance): 55.6 Radhe Shyam (2022), 53.2 Aloha (2015), 46.0 Nobody’s Fool (2018), 45.6 I Feel Pretty (2018), 38.3 The Perfect Match (2016), 37.0 Home Again (2017), 35.8 Reminiscence (2021), 35.7 Love the Coopers (2015), 35.3 The Perfect Guy (2015), 33.3 Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016), 31.3 Overboard (2018), 30.3 Jexi (2019), 27.3 The Comedian (2016), 26.6 Acrimony (2018), 25.4 We Are Your Friends (2015), 23.5 Tulip Fever (2017), 17.0 2 Hearts (2020), 16.1 A Journal for Jordan (2021), 12.4 Collateral Beauty (2016), 11.6 God Bless the Broken Road (2018), 11.0 Redeeming Love (2022), 9.3 Life Itself (2018), 9.3 Passengers (2016), 9.0 The Longest Ride (2015)

(Oh man, low. But it is the most “interesting” option as it is a Will Smith film made right as his fortunes were turning a bit. Although … well I guess he won an Oscar after, but still, his commercial films tended to start not doing as well around then if I recall correctly.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Michael Peña is No. 4 billed in Collateral Beauty and No. 1 billed in Fantasy Island, which also stars Michael Rooker (No. 4 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 4 billed) => (4 + 1) + (4 + 4) = 13. If we were to watch Shark Tale we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – Will Smith’s father, Willard Carroll Smith, Sr., was dying while Smith researched this role. He has said that working on this movie was extremely therapeutic in helping him deal with the ultimate loss of his dad.

Will Smith praised the whole cast by saying, “If we are all judged by the company we keep … then I want this cast with me for life!”

When Will Smith heard about co-star Naomie Harris’ mom Lisselle Kayla’s Jamaican cooking during this shoot, he invited himself to her house, and dined with Naomie and her extended family.

Hugh Jackman was originally attached to star, but dropped out due to scheduling conflicts, and was later replaced by Will Smith. Both actors were born in 1968 but were only in a month and seventeen days apart from each other. Smith was born on September 25th and Jackman was born on October 12th.

The theater Amy enters is the Hegel theater. Hegel regarded history as an intelligible process moving towards a specific condition – the realization of human freedom. Howard goes through the process freeing himself (or being freed) from grief.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screen Combo

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 Recap

Jamie

Ah, the BMT double. It’s not an easy thing to do. There have been times when Bonus films were more regular (or maybe I’m just remembering it that way). But back then we also didn’t write much (or really anything) about the movies we watched. Our thoughts, our jokes, our thokes (those are thoughts that also act as jokes) were lost to the sands of time. To preserve our thoughts, though, makes a double quite the burden, so you know when we do it it’s probably because it’s a really, really good BMT film. *Looks over at My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3* Or maybe we just want to burn through this franchise and hope it doesn’t rise from the dead in 2030.

To recap, the Portokalos’ are back, Jack! Well at least some of them. A bunch of the family was quite old so of course some have passed and others have incurable neurodegenerative diseases (fun!). So when the family gets a letter about a reunion in their father’s village in Greece they set up a trip for them to go and represent their deceased father. Off they jet for Greece and we are treated to many beautiful vistas before arriving in what seems like a ghost town. Turns out the town has suffered and the reunion is more of a gambit to revive the town. Toula is trying to track down her father’s three childhood friends to give them his journal, but can’t find them anywhere. This issue is quite easily resolved as Toula’s husband chats with a local who is like “oh yeah, here’s where they all are.” Meanwhile, they discover a previously unknown half-brother from their father’s former flame who has a son who wants to marry a refugee (read: non-Greek). This also turns out OK as everyone is like “oh… uh, sure.” Invitations go out, the childhood friends are found, and the town is revived in time for the (you guessed it) impromptu wedding. As one final parting plot we find out that Toula’s daughter Paris is failing college because she partied too hard and so she’s resisting getting into a relationship with a boy she likes. But then she’s like YOLO and they make out. Oh and they decide to scatter their father’s ashes in Greece. THE END.

Oh boy. I’ll start with the good news. The film looks quite beautiful. I read that this is because Vardalos (who directed this one) insisted that they film on real film because Greece is so beautiful that she felt like digital wouldn’t do it justice. Good on you. It does look beautiful. In particular there are some night shots that look really nice. Alright, now for the bad news. This film is a mess. Shots don’t go with other shots. ADR is needed just to make scenes make sense. There is a scene on a rooftop where continuity is broken in almost every shot and I thought I was going crazy. There’s a joke that only works if the punchline isn’t in subtitles so instead of not doing any subtitles they do subtitles for the first part of the conversation and then drop them part way through… I thought the DVD was broken. But no, the joke was just broken. It’s insane directing. I also love Patrick pointing out that the film takes place less than a year after the second. Half the family has died… it’s been a tough year.

Hot Take Clam Bake! We aren’t done. You can take that to the bank. There is just no way we don’t have a “Paris is getting married” fourth film. It’s the natural conclusion. My prediction is that Aristotle (the beau from this film) has an even crazier Greek family. It’s a crazy Greek family face off. Literally Face/Off. They take each others’ faces… off. Toula exchanges faces with Aristotle’s mother in order to make sure Aristotle’s heart is pure. Hot Take Temperature: Started out as cool as the Mediterranean Sea and ended like a scorching Athens summer.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Time to make yo money! That’s right, we have to make this guy a vacation hot spot so that we can get money from the tourism board and also go on vacation while pretending to make a comedy. Let’s go!

Yeah so this film is weird. You’d think there would be like … a wedding in it? And there is. Don’t get me wrong. But it is buried so deeply within this Russian nesting doll of a movie it is hard to even recall who got married. I need to do my own recap just to convince myself this film is real.

The family is going to Greece because the father died and he wants his notebook given to his like … childhood friends he hasn’t seen since literally like the 40s or something? Meanwhile the mother straight up has dementia which is basically not resolved.

An aside: everyone looks really old in this film despite it literally taking place six months after the first film … that’s a mistake, but whatever. Why they didn’t just jump to the daughter’s wedding is beyond me.

They get to the village and outside of it there are all these migrants from Syria, and inside of it no one lives except a weirdo who is mayor and an old lady and her son who it turns out is their relative. Cool.

Yada yada yada they wander around a bunch, they reveal the daughter pretty much failed out of NYU, Joey Fatone and the other sister fly out to Greece and wander around, and the husband befriends a monk who just tells him where to find the people they are looking for, a little Deas Ex Monkina (heyyyyooooooooooo).

Regardless, can you tell this film is nonsensical? It looks great. But it makes no sense. Which is mostly what they key in on in all of the reviews.

But for real … why are we watching the long lost cousin marrying a Syrian migrant in Greece when we could instead be watching the daughter get married to someone in like Los Angeles and that be the whole culture clash instead. Then we could save the Greek trip for the fourth (Which I would call My Big Fat Greek Family Reunion or something).

I have to put a Product Placement (What?) for Greece, but also Tostitos which is so in your face it makes the trailer. And yeah, Setting as a Character (Where?) for Greece as well. They manufacture a ridiculous MacGuffin (Why?) in the form of the journal which no one should at all care about. And why not, Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that the brother brought the dad’s ashes over to spread on some thinking tree in Greece or whatever. I think this is an actual BMT film, although it is close to maybe just being kind of good. I just feel like it is BMT because it is totally ridiculous while also not necessarily being the worst thing I’ve ever seen which is kind of a recipe for being a little entertaining at least.

Finally, although now for the My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Father of the Bride crossover we’d been waiting for! That’s in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 Recap

Jamie

Hey there, it’s me, Franchise Man. The superhero the world doesn’t want (but I know they need). I’m here to just remind you that franchises are great (It’s my superpower). Usually they start small, the plucky little upstart horror movie that blossoms into a fully realized world filled with self-conflicting lore. It’s beautiful. What is Jason? (you might ask) Well the Friday the 13th movies are there to give you several different answers to that question. What is Greek? That’s where the My Big Fat Greek Wedding franchise steps in. Every 8 years or so they drop one on us to remember that families exist, they can be Greek, and are there to ruin your life. As Franchise Man I don’t endorse the messages of all franchises, I only endorse their continued existence. So sit back, relax, and enjoy.

To recap, the Portokalos’ are back, Jack! They couldn’t stop Toula’s wedding in the first movie so now they are stuck with her half Greek family in the mix. But that’s not the point of this movie. No, the point is… wait, isn’t this supposed to be about a wedding? Not yet. See, the family is getting older, relying more on Toula and this puts strain on her family. This is particularly important as their daughter, Paris, is looking at colleges and they dearly want her to stay in Chicago. At the same time her father Gus decides to prove to the world that he is in fact related to Alexander the Great. In doing so he finds that, uh oh, he and his wife were never actually married. In the hurry to get to America the priest never signed the marriage certificate. Gus finds this funny, but Maria decides to hang it over his head as she feels like he doesn’t appreciate her. This creates a lot of kooky situations, but ultimately when he has a fall and has to go to the hospital he realizes his error and pleads for her to marry him again. In prepping for the wedding the planner quits because the family is insane and so they all work together to make sure the wedding goes off without a hitch. Or at least almost no hitches. Ultimately, Paris gets accepted at both NYU and Northwestern and ends up realizing she really does want to leave. Everyone understands and it’s fine. THE END.

Starting with the first film (which I had never seen), I thought it was very cute. I particularly liked how Toula realized she wanted to be a better version of herself, put in the work, and made it happen… that’s the beginning of the film. The love interest doesn’t even really show up until a third of the way through the film. Sure, the dad was legitimately mean to his daughter and it kind of made me sad to think that that is a real thing for people in the world, but besides that I liked it. The second film seemed to think that the kooky family was the only thing people liked because they cranked that up from 40% to 80% and left the plot in the dust. It still didn’t quite feel like a BMT film, though, as it was still a pleasant watch. Possibly it suffered by comparison (even if it is clearly considerably worse than the first film).

Hot Take Clam Bake! This is a minor point, but throughout the whole movie Paris is like “get out of my beeswax, I’m not going to Greek Club, stop pressuring me to date a Greek boy.” All while crushing on a boy in her class… who turns out to be Greek. Bullshit. There is no way this girl would be eyeing the kid and not know he was Greek. Even if she didn’t go to Greek Club she would still have seen him at some big Greek festival at some point, or in the Greek School, or in a load of places. Also, shouldn’t he have a giant family trailing him at all times? I’ve been led to believe that is standard operating procedure for a Greek family. My conclusion? That kid ain’t Greek. Just a liar. Hot Take Temperature: Piping Hot Spanakopita.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about a long awaited sequel to a beloved classic where we just run it back and it just isn’t nearly as charming as we remember? Let’s go!

I obviously watched the first film prior to viewing this, so let’s start there. That film was pretty charming. And they did quite a good job turning the main character into “Frump Girl” and in the end her relationship to her eventual husband kind of rings true because you can tell the character is initially charmed by her, and then is charmed again without even knowing it is the same person. That is funny.

I’ve known a lot of Greek people in my day, but unlike Jamie none of them really resembled the characters in the film. Sure … a few were genuine weirdos with weird attitudes about their work and stuff, but I always thought that was because they were weirdos. … Was it not? Hard to tell.

And ultimately the only issue with the first film really is that the father’s character has aged like milk. What a crybaby. Oh my daughter isn’t going to marry a Greek person. It’ll kill me. Get over it! And in the end he does. But still, I feel like there is a level of “okay Boomer” that maybe applies here that would come from a genuine place and be like … yeah, we probably don’t need to pay attention to that old guy telling his 20-something year old daughter that she looks old and crying about her not marrying a Greek guy. Just saying. Still, the first film was super fun in the end.

The second film isn’t as much. I think they picked a good storyline. I think it probably should have been a different wedding though. In reality it was right there. Joey Fatone. He’s gay and he wants to get married but can they even have a Greek Gay Wedding? Sure why not. That’s what I would have done. Dang … I might have spoiled the Quiz movie now that I think about it. I’ll get more into Fatone there though and also tell the story of how Joey Fatone performed at my Bachelor Party though so you can have fun with that.

The film is far too similar to the original though and it ends up just begging the question as to why it even exists. This is the thing though … Fatone! We need a new angle. And gay wedding is definitely that angle. What a missed opportunity, and it was sitting right there for them.

The ever present Product Placement (What?) for Windex which seems like a far far too specific thing that was just about the main character’s father and no one else. These films all have decent Setting as a Character (Where?) here for Chicago. I kind of love the Totally Ridiculous Reason (Why?) for the film to even exist in that the parents weren’t actually married years and years ago, like what is that? Nonsense. I think the movie is closest to Good, but I do that reluctantly and only because I still found the main couple quite charming.

Alright, My Big Fat Gay Greek Wedding is in the quiz. Then we’ll deal with the fourth one in the next recap. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 Quiz

Oh man, so get this. This time I have to fly to Greece to do a bunch of stuff, again for my parents. And (again) I fell unconscious from exhaustion and can’t remember a thing … you think I should see a doctor about this? Whatever, do you remember what happened in My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) We, again, might as start here: who is the titular wedding between in this film?

2) Why are they going to Greece in the first place?

3) What is the deep dark secret that the daughter is harboring?

4) How do they figure out where the father’s friends are who moved away from the town long ago?

5) And what is the big concern of the very young mayor about the father’s hometown in the film? How does she solve this problem and become a very good mayor?

Bonus Question: We remaking it. We need a new person getting married for the third, so who gets married in the whole new third film?

Answers

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 Quiz

Oh man, so get this. My parents are getting married … again? Whatever, it is a whole thing. And while preparing this like crazy people I fell unconscious from exhaustion and now can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) We back baby. Might as well start here: who is the titular wedding between in this film?

2) What other storylines do we have? Well, the daughter is deciding between two colleges in the film. Which ones?

3) What else … oh yeah, the father is obsessed with the fact that he is specifically a descendant from who? In the end his daughter fakes a genetic test to “prove” her father right.

4) Also in the film the father gets quite badly injured, or at least, has to go to the hospital. Where does he get stuck?

5) When the father gets a bit tipsy in the police car on the way to the wedding the mother gets angry that he isn’t taking it seriously. What special guest at the wedding is there to save the day by convincing her of his love?

Bonus Question: We are remaking this film. What is the story?

Answers

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 Preview

The labyrinth is playing tricks on Patrick’s mind. Every time he turns a corner he catches a glimpse of Jamie and his demon lovers, but just as quickly he’s gone. “How are they so fast?” Patrick thinks, but then remembers that they are demons. When he turns the next corner he finds himself in a fancy restaurant. “What thuuuu…” Patrick says dumbly. “What thuuuu… What thuuuuu… cat got your tongue, Patrick?” Patrick hears Jamie say from behind him. “And where’s the wife? I was really hoping the whole gang could be here tonight.” Patrick turns slowly and sees Jamie and the two demons sitting at a table set for five. “She’s, uh…” Patrick says, but he shakes his head. This isn’t real. This is all meaningless. He has to keep a grasp on the real world. He sits down without saying more. “Riiight, well if this is everyone I have a speech.” Jamie says and the demons coo in their creepy demon way. “Before I met you two I was afraid. Afraid of life. Afraid of the future. But now I realize that the only thing I have to fear is fear itself. And that’s a Jamie original quote you can take to the bank.” Everyone in the restaurant applauds at his very original toast. “I love you,” Jamie says and the two demons croak an “I love you” back and it sounds like the voices of a thousand damned souls. “Will you…” Jamie takes a deep breath, “Will you marry me?” The nerdy demon faints and the sexy minx demon smooches Jamie deeply. “What…” Patrick stammers, stumbling backwards, “No… What is this devil…” Jamie smiles too broadly in his direction, his eyes speaking a horror that belies the glee in his Ray Liotta-like mask face. “Demon Wedding!” That’s right! We are partaking in the most damned of BMT weddings. That would be the two (that’s right, two!) Big Fat Greek Wedding sequels. The first was an unlikely smash. The other two? Not as much. Let’s go!

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023) – BMeTric: 38.6; Notability: 28

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 9.6%; Notability: top 2.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 14.4%; Higher BMeT: The Exorcist: Believer, Meg 2: The Trench, Expend4bles, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, 65, The Ritual Killer, Five Nights at Freddy’s, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, Maybe I Do, White Men Can’t Jump, Retribution, In the Fire, Hypnotic, House Party, Fool’s Paradise, Heart of Stone, Locked In, and 4 more; Higher Notability: Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted, Expend4bles, House Party, Haunted Mansion, Heart of Stone, The Out-Laws; Lower RT: Confidential Informant, Freelance, The Ritual Killer, 57 Seconds, Assassin Club, Expend4bles, In the Fire, On a Wing and a Prayer, Fool’s Paradise, The Tutor, Vacation Friends 2, Robots, The Re-Education of Molly Singer, The Out-Laws, Knights of the Zodiac, Mafia Mamma, The Exorcist: Believer, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, Pain Hustlers, God Is a Bullet, and 10 more; Notes: I think ultimately we did fine for the end of the year cycle, but if things continue this way we’ll probably have to think through a new metric. It was quite a scramble to put things together.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – The original 2002 “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” is one of the most financially successful movies ever made, in terms of cost-to-return, earning over $360 million worldwide on a $5 million production budget. Of course, there would be sequels; the only mystery is why there haven’t been five or ten by now, rather than just two. The films are formulaic, but it’s an appealing formula, like a family recipe for a comfort food dish that isn’t going to win any Michelin stars but satisfies because it reminds you of being loved and taken care of. … This second sequel is escapist in a next-level way: it escapes from drama as well as life. The Greek tourism board is going to love it.

(Yup. That is also a bit confusing but I think ultimately it comes down to: Nia Vardalos didn’t want to do them until she had to / she was ready for MBFGW to maybe be a franchise she churns out. Unfortunately I think they waited too long if that was the plan. It would have made a lot more sense to have already done five and be calling it a day by now. I guess I could see a fourth though with the idea being it is the daughter’s wedding and now they are the weird Greek parents.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAflXqZ5xs0/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAflXqZ5xs0/

(A lot of things happened … my father passed away. Well that is a downer of start to the trailer. The movie looks quite nice. But also it seems probably like it is not funny.)

Directors – Nia Vardalos – ( Known For: I Hate Valentine’s Day; BMT: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: Canadian actually, although her parents are (obviously) Greek. She is a US citizen now though.)

Actors – Nia Vardalos – ( Known For: My Big Fat Greek Wedding; For a Good Time, Call…; The Curse of Bridge Hollow; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Connie and Carla; Wonder Woman: Bloodlines; Charming; Helicopter Mom; Dealin’ with Idiots; McKenna Shoots for the Stars; Men Seeking Women; Car Dogs; Future BMT: Larry Crowne; My Life in Ruins; BMT: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: Was married to one of the minor stars of the first and second film, Ian Gomez, who plays her husband’s police officer friend.)

John Corbett – ( Known For: Tombstone; My Big Fat Greek Wedding; To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before; Serendipity; Volcano; The Silence; To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You; To All the Boys: Always and Forever; 47 Meters Down: Uncaged; Gully; The Burning Plain; Ramona and Beezus; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Dinner Rush; Baby on Board; Elvis Has Left the Building; The Lookalike; Dreamland; All Saints; Bigger Than the Sky; Future BMT: Street Kings; The Messengers; Raising Helen; Raise Your Voice; Flight of the Intruder; God’s Not Dead: A Light in Darkness; BMT: Sex and the City 2; The Boy Next Door; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: Done a lot of random television, although still Sex in the City. And he’s somehow an integral part of the To All the Boys series.)

Louis Mandylor – ( Known For: My Big Fat Greek Wedding; Avengement; Doom: Annihilation; The Doorman; Daylight’s End; Sinners and Saints; One in the Chamber; Wrong Turn at Tahoe; The Game of Their Lives; Code of Honor; Night Walk; Renegades; Not Another Not Another Movie; Take; Antidote; Gang of Roses; Suckers; The Prometheus Project; Betrayal; Sorority Party Massacre; Future BMT: Mafia!; Necessary Roughness; BMT: Rambo: Last Blood; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; Memory; The Quest; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: Wait … he got third billing? His storyline in this is while. He has a crazy bad fake tan, and whitens his teeth, and dyes his hair and looks crazy. Reminder: this film is supposed to take place like six months after the original … yeah. Notably played “Joey’s Twin” on Friends.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $28,496,030 (Worldwide: $39,008,828)

(You know what? That ain’t bad. I would guess the film still cost around $20 million to make because I bet Greece itself paid a bunch for the location. So it might have actually turned a profit.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 29% (27/94): Amiable and sunny if often unamusing, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 repeats much of what audiences loved the first time around but suffers from diminishing returns.

(It got better reviews than the second one! That is kind of weird. That rating is pretty much in line what I would have expected as well.)

Reviewer Highlight: The script functions like a recipe for its own opening shot of baklava; flattened and bland, Toula exists only to constrain the nuts. – Amy Nicholson, New York Times

Poster – A Wedding So Nice They Did it Thrice

(I’m just going to give this a C and move on. It’s the same as the second. Same as the first but doesn’t work as well because without the family trying to bust in from the side the spacing just seems weird.)

Tagline(s) – They’re Headed to the Homeland

(Sure. C-. I mean, you can’t just say what it is and get it by me. I’m pretty strict when it comes to grading the taglines.)

Keyword(s) – Year 2023

Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Barbie (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (2023), The Flash (2023)

Future BMT: 84.4 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 66.6 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 50.0 Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), 47.9 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 43.3 House Party (2023), 43.0 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 37.0 Paint (2023), 32.9 Freelance (2023), 31.4 The Machine (2023), 28.1 Haunted Mansion (2023), 27.4 Love Again (2023), 19.8 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023), 18.3 Nefarious (2023), 9.1 Camp Hideout (2023), 8.2 Sweetwater (2023), 7.9 Back on the Strip (2023)

BMT: Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Expend4bles (2023), 65 (2023), Retribution (2023), Hypnotic (2023), Mafia Mamma (2023), My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), About My Father (2023), Fear (2023)

Best Options (Romance): 36.4 My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), 27.4 Love Again (2023)

(The only real good option. Looking at the ones we’ve done this year though … we did pretty well! I’m surprised.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Lainie Kazan is No. 4 billed in My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 and No. 4 billed in Gigli, which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (4 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 16. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Michael Constantine passed away in 2021. This movie is dedicated to his memory.

Michael Constantine, Bruce Gray, and Constantine Vardalos all passed away after My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. This film is dedicated to them.

First film that doesn’t feature Ian Gomez.

This movie only takes one year after the events of My Big Fat Wedding 2.

Elias Kacavis (Aristotle) wears a shirt that says “The Second City Chicago”. Nia Vardalos was a member of The Second City comedy group at the beginning of her career.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 Preview

The labyrinth is playing tricks on Patrick’s mind. Every time he turns a corner he catches a glimpse of Jamie and his demon lovers, but just as quickly he’s gone. “How are they so fast?” Patrick thinks, but then remembers that they are demons. When he turns the next corner he finds himself in a fancy restaurant. “What thuuuu…” Patrick says dumbly. “What thuuuu… What thuuuuu… cat got your tongue, Patrick?” Patrick hears Jamie say from behind him. “And where’s the wife? I was really hoping the whole gang could be here tonight.” Patrick turns slowly and sees Patrick and the two demons sitting at a table set for five. “She’s, uh…” Patrick says, but he shakes his head. This isn’t real. This is all meaningless. He has to keep a grasp on the real world. He sits down without saying more. “Riiight, well if this is everyone I have a speech.” Jamie says and the demons coo in their creepy demon way. “Before I met you two I was afraid. Afraid of life. Afraid of the future. But now I realize that the only thing I have to fear is fear itself. And that’s a Jamie original quote you can take to the bank.” Everyone in the restaurant applauds at his very original toast. “I love you,” Jamie says and the two demons croak an “I love you” back and it sounds like the voices of a thousand damned souls. “Will you…” Jamie takes a deep breath, “Will you marry me?” The nerdy demon faints and the sexy minx demon smooches Jamie deeply. “What…” Patrick stammers, stumbling backwards, “No… What is this devil…” Jamie smiles too broadly in his direction, his eyes speaking a horror that belies the glee in his Ray Liotta-like mask face. “Demon Wedding!” That’s right! We are partaking in the most damned of BMT weddings. That would be the two (that’s right, two!) Big Fat Greek Wedding sequels. The first was an unlikely smash. The other two? Not as much. Let’s go!

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 (2016) – BMeTric: 30.8; Notability: 36

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 21.2%; Notability: top 13.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 20.9%; Higher BMeT: Fifty Shades of Black, Cell, Zoolander 2, Yoga Hosers, The Forest, Exposed, Cabin Fever, Meet the Blacks, Max Steel, The Darkness, Dark Crimes, God’s Not Dead 2, Blair Witch, Independence Day: Resurgence, The 5th Wave, Shut In, Gods of Egypt, Get a Job, The Boss, The Other Side of the Door, and 33 more; Higher Notability: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Suicide Squad, Zoolander 2, Independence Day: Resurgence, Alice Through the Looking Glass, The Brothers Grimsby, Warcraft, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, Allegiant, Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV, The Huntsman: Winter’s War, Ice Age: Collision Course, Now You See Me 2, Ben-Hur, The Legend of Tarzan, The Great Wall, Criminal, Live by Night, Assassin’s Creed, Gods of Egypt, and 13 more; Lower RT: True Memoirs of an International Assassin, Max Steel, Dark Crimes, Hacker, Cabin Fever, The Darkness, Fifty Shades of Black, Shut In, Misconduct, Mother’s Day, Exposed, The Do-Over, Get a Job, I.T., I Am Wrath, God’s Not Dead 2, The Forest, Dirty Grandpa, Cell, The Choice, and 32 more; Notes: We are five for ten on the higher notability count, but otherwise on BMeT and RT we aren’t looking so hot. Although the only one I would say I’m super excited for is eventually watching Max Steel.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – The original “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” was a fluke. A charming, warmhearted fluke, but a fluke nonetheless. It was broad and sitcom-y but it resonated with a wide array of moviegoers, despite the peculiarities of its cultural specificity, and it made a mind-boggling $369 million worldwide in 2002 … Her script is a mess, and no amount of Windex can clean it up.

(Wow, that is way lower than I would have expected. The film isn’t good, but it also isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Mostly it is just aggravating. This franchise oddly grew out of the era of horrible awkwardness and this film is now exception.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQ-1Ts3BChM/

(The jokes are terrible and honestly the “Why do you want to leave me!” is maybe the worst line of the series. It makes her look like a lunatic … which maybe the character is? But at least we have a story that seems somewhat fun and makes sense.)

Directors – Kirk Jones – ( Known For: Nanny McPhee; Everybody’s Fine; Waking Ned Devine; BMT: What to Expect When You’re Expecting; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; Notes: I think he might be retired. I wonder if this film was basically one last check to get him into a relatively early retirement (he was early 50s at the time). He was somewhat famous for advertising.)

Writers – Nia Vardalos – ( Known For: My Big Fat Greek Wedding; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Connie and Carla; Future BMT: Larry Crowne; BMT: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: She’s the main actress in the series and eventually directs the third. She’s done a lot of random stuff over the years, but almost certainly can just live off of My Big Fat Greek Wedding if she wanted to.)

Actors – Nia Vardalos – ( Known For: My Big Fat Greek Wedding; For a Good Time, Call…; The Curse of Bridge Hollow; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Connie and Carla; Wonder Woman: Bloodlines; Charming; Helicopter Mom; Dealin’ with Idiots; McKenna Shoots for the Stars; Men Seeking Women; Car Dogs; Future BMT: Larry Crowne; My Life in Ruins; BMT: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: The first movie started as a one woman play and Rita Wilson saw it and got Tom Hanks to produce a movie out of it.)

John Corbett – ( Known For: Tombstone; My Big Fat Greek Wedding; To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before; Serendipity; Volcano; The Silence; To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You; To All the Boys: Always and Forever; 47 Meters Down: Uncaged; Gully; The Burning Plain; Ramona and Beezus; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Dinner Rush; Baby on Board; Elvis Has Left the Building; The Lookalike; Dreamland; All Saints; Bigger Than the Sky; Future BMT: Street Kings; The Messengers; Raising Helen; Raise Your Voice; Flight of the Intruder; God’s Not Dead: A Light in Darkness; BMT: Sex and the City 2; The Boy Next Door; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: I would have guessed his Emmy nom was for Sex in the City, but nope, he got a nomination in 1992 for Supporting Actor for Northern Exposure. He was Aiden Shaw in Sex in the City which IIRC was basically the “other guy” Carrie could have ended up with in the end. He shows up in the second movie.)

Michael Constantine – ( Known For: My Big Fat Greek Wedding; The Hustler; My Life; Prancer; Deadfall; Hawaii; Voyage of the Damned; The Reivers; If It’s Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium; Pray for Death; Skidoo; The North Avenue Irregulars; In the Mood; Don’t Drink the Water; Peeper; Beau Geste; Justine; The Last Mile; Island of Love; Forty Days of Musa Dagh; Future BMT: Thinner; The Juror; BMT: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; Notes: He was quite old in the second film and ultimately died in 2021. He won an Emmy for Room 222 in 1970.)

Budget/Gross – $18 million / Domestic: $59,689,605 (Worldwide: $90,632,641)

(That still ain’t bad. I’m a little surprised they managed to keep the cost below $20 million. Given the success of the first they could have blown it out for some destination version which they ultimately did for the third.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 27% (48/175): My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 is as sweet and harmless as the original, but its collection of sitcom gags and stereotypes never coalesces into anything resembling a story with a purpose.

(Yeah, that sounds about right. I mean, that was the same with the first, but at the time that felt at least somewhat fresh and original.)

NY Times Review: Even those who have spent the last 14 years pining for a sequel to “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” – by most accounts, the highest-grossing American romantic comedy – will rue that longing when they experience “My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2.” – Jeannette Catsoulis, New York Time

Poster – A Wedding So Nice They Did it Twice

(I like the blue. Like the font. Obviously just redoing the first poster with whatever changes are necessary. Doesn’t work as well as in the first because you don’t really know what this is about. First was good, this one retreats back to being mediocre. C.)

Tagline(s) – People change. Greeks don’t. (B)

(I like it. Short, sweet, and we know we are in for the retread. Sure there are differences, but the important stuff will be the same. Good enough for a tagline.)

Keyword(s) – Year 2023

BMT: Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Expend4bles (2023), 65 (2023), Retribution (2023), Hypnotic (2023), Mafia Mamma (2023), My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), About My Father (2023), Fear (2023)

Best Options (Romance): 36.4 My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), 27.4 Love Again (2023)

(Yeah not very many good options this year. If I had my druthers we wouldn’t have even done this since it ended up dragging the second along with it was which a bit of a chore.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Lainie Kazan is No. 5 billed in My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 and No. 4 billed in Gigli, which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (5 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 17. If we were to watch Raising Helen, and Two for the Money we can get the HoE Number down to 16.

Notes – Nia Vardalos’ husband in real life at the time of filming, Ian Gomez was also in this film as Mike. They later divorced.

This sequel took over 13 years to be made and contains mostly all of the cast and crew from the first My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002).

Filmed in Canada in Toronto’s Greektown area.

Mana-Yiayia speaks English for the first time in this film. In the previous film, she only speaks in Greek.

Third film that John Corbett and Nia Vardalos have been in together.

Fools Rush In Recap

Jamie

Originally we were going to pair this film with Return to Savage Beach, an Andy Sidaris film that inexplicably aired just after prime time on Cinemax on September 1st, 1998. I gotta say, 10pm is simply not late enough to put on Return to Savage Beach, which is both hilarious and horrifying in the nude scenes that it puts on display every 5 minutes or so. We swapped it out mostly because I had watched it not that long ago and was hankering for some Die Hard thrills and chills. But if you get a chance you really should partake in some Sidaris action. The films he made became increasingly bizarre and Return to Savage Beach is late in his career. My favorite part was when near the end of the film two characters that haven’t yet had on-screen carnal relations say “I was just imagining something” and we are treated to a daydream of sorts where the characters jointly (?) imagine a sex role playing scenario where one is a cop and the other is a robber and well… anyway…

To recap, Matthew Perry is a workaholic club architect. He’s told by his buddy to take on a short term (but big headache) project in Las Vegas because then he’ll be free to open the NYC club of his dreams later that year. He hates Vegas, but agrees and soon finds himself living alone in LV. One night he meets Selma Hayek, a photographer working the strip, and they have a one night stand. Months later she shows up at his door and reveals that she’s pregnant. Oh my! He’s unsure what to do, but agrees to join her for a family dinner so that at least her family can meet the father of her child, even if it’s just once. Everything about her and her family enchants him and they elope. Her family is enraged, his friends think he’s crazy, and soon his work is suffering as he tries to balance his job with being a good husband to Hayek. Hilarity ensues mostly having to do with Hayek’s extended family and Perry’s own very conservative parents from Connecticut. When he finally gets the club open things start to unravel as his boss wants him to come back to NYC to start the dream project. He’s already promised to stay in Nevada till the baby is born and so when Hayek finds out he’s planning on them moving early she runs away and ends up in the hospital. She informs him that she lost the baby and it’s over and disappears. He heads back to NYC, but soon is seeing all kinds of signs that he is meant to find her. He flies to Mexico where she had been staying with her great-grandmother, but he’s told she’s left to go back to Las Vegas. He flies there just in time to stop her on the Hoover Dam where he finds out that she didn’t lose the baby after all (what a twist!). In fact she’s having it right now. Soon they are parents and smooch. THE END.

I kept on waiting for the other shoe to drop in this film. When Hayek showed up with the story that she was pregnant I fully assumed this was a lie. That she was using a lie to get her ex-boyfriend off her back (like we saw her doing early in the film). But then when she realized Perry was such a good guy decided to marry him on a whim… It feels like the 90’s version of this film would have that edge. Something that you would look at and be like “yuck, why can’t romantic comedies be like they used to be?” But this isn’t the 90’s version of the film. This film reads much more like a 50’s romantic comedy or something because it’s just sweet through and through. They are both nice people who ultimately want to be with each other and have a family. Yay. Naturally there are some jokes that don’t land and the club he opens is hideous, but I enjoyed this film. Sue me (but don’t because you’ll lose. Liking this film is not against the law… yet). As for Deadly Outbreak, I wanted a Die Hard knockoff and I got one. The one odd aspect was that it is not an American film (it’s made and set in Israel), so it’s a little like a spaghetti western with subpar sound mixing and actors who clearly couldn’t speak english. But it was quite ridiculous, which is the name of the game. Some crazy stunts near the end as well. I just won’t mention how pretty much every film we watch for Bring a Friend has to involve a rape of some kind. Not sure why they feel the need to include that in every movie.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Maybe, and hear me out, maybe Hayek did lie. Yeah, she wasn’t pregnant at the beginning of the film at all. Like I thought, she just wanted her ex to stop bugging her and so she said she was pregnant and snatched up Perry. Of course! And that’s why they had to get married, so that they could have sex on their wedding night and she could get pregnant then! What a cunning ruse. He’s a workaholic so he probably doesn’t even notice that her pregnancy is mega-long. He’d think for a moment “wait, wasn’t she pregnant for like 12 months?” but then he’ll remember that his really super cool dolphin themed club that he’s opening in Reno next month has a whole VIP area dedicated to the 12 month gestation period of the dolphin. “Dolphins, humans, what’s the difference?” he’ll think, and shrug. Hot Take Temperature: Club Dolphino.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about another Matthew Perry romantic comedy, but this time he isn’t a horrible unlikable person, but instead is merely a workaholic obsessed with hot dogs? Let’s go!

I distinctly remember watching this film as a kid. And I think only because it was the first time I heard of Grey’s Papaya. And in my mind I was like “Oh dang, those must be such good hot dogs.” And then I went to New York and had one and I was like “huh … wait, was that an advertisement or some weird writer’s quirk and Grey’s Papaya is just like … normal hot dogs?” Write in and tell me: Is Grey’s Papaya just a tourist thing that Fools Rush In tricked me about, or is it a genuinely above average dog?

This film is pretty sweet. There is a reason Ebert gave it 3 stars. It is pretty heartfelt. Both main characters are fairly appealing. They are just on the right side of being an “odd couple” that it makes sense that it might work in an opposite attract kind of way, but also that it might not as a culture clash. Why did people not like it?

“Take away the ethnic/pregnancy angles, and we’ve seen this premise countless times,” aka “take away the premise of the film and you don’t have a film!” Thanks USA Today. The rest of the bad reviews are kind of the same. “[Look to] Fools Rush In to see a basic romantic comedy where opposites try to attract and find an unlikely happy ending.” That’s the consensus … like yeah? And? This is when Ebert’s “good for what it is” attitude made sense, when critics were crawling all over each other trying to tear apart Fools Rush In because it dares to not be profound and challenging.

There’s plenty to not like about the film. Arguably racist (although only a 2 out of 5 Soldier Boyz I think), people making some horrible decisions, seems like a weird advert for multiple products, a nonsensical and contrived ending. Plenty. Still liked it though.

Peak Selma Hayak is up there with peak J-Lo for being “almost too beautiful” in my opinion. Like it almost doesn’t make sense. They play it up too, Matthew Perry has multiple scenes of just staring at her, mouth agape.

As for the Friend this week we watched the Jeff Speakman classic Deadly Outbreak. Wait … what’s that now? Yeah, a weird martial arts film from a master of American Kenpo. Speakman basically had bit parts in a few other films (e.g. in Lionheart he is “Mansion Security Man”), then he goes on a streak of four martial arts films he stars in. This was his last, but we’ll watch the others eventually I think. He’s fairly charismatic, maybe on par with JCVD and Seagal. And his martial arts are actually quite good, using insanely fast blocks and punches. The Perfect Weapon has an almost implausibly large box office take, so he did get his shot. I would have to watch that to see just how it fumbled such that his big budget career pretty much ended there. Had the same director as Kickboxer (and ended the director’s directorial career as well). Anyways, this film? Really weird stuff that is a borderline advertisement for the Israeli military? Has good action, but ultimately feels long and boring. Naturally, as I’ve come to expect, they feel the need to involve attempted rape as a signal that the bad guys are bad. Great. I think this is like a C+. Reasonably entertaining, but nothing I’d ever return to. I think it is a zero out of five Soldier Boyz on the racism scale.

This is definitely a great Product Placement (What?) for Las Vegas, but also weirdly Grey’s Papaya. Setting as a Character (Where?) for Las Vegas for sure, but also Mexico and New York I suppose. Amazing Secret Holiday Film (When?) for the film starting on Christmas, a big scene occurring during Cinco de Mayo, and the transition to act three occurring on July 4th precisely. I think a Worst Twist (How?) for them accidentally getting divorced and remarried at the end of the film. I think this movie is definitely Good.

Go to the Quiz to hear about the sequel I have planned. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Fools Rush In Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I was jetting around at the lake on my jetski when I fell off and really bopped my head good. Now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Fools Rush In?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) We open with our hero arriving triumphantly back at work from Miami at Christmas time. He’s off to Las Vegas now, but his real dream Club Dolphino would be centered where?

2) Well, whatever he’s in Las Vegas. And we got a meetcute on our hands! Where do Hayak and Perry meet for the first time?

3) Welp, now they have to get married, she’s pregnant. But he doesn’t really want his parents to know. Where does he say they are off to for the whole summer?

4) In the end he does successfully open Club Dolphino Las Vegas. Why is it a problem for him to go to his dream position on the Fourth of July though?

5) Well, he’s just got to have her though, so he jets off to Mexico, but alas, he’s too late! Where does he find her?

Bonus Question: Twenty five years later we meet up with Hayak at a dinner. Why is she going out to eat?

Answers

Fools Rush In Preview

September 1st, 1994

Jamie and Patrick are looking radical. Hat? Backwards. Jeans? Also backwards. Arms? Crossed. Their summer had been spent consuming the weekly ‘zine Funky Fresh Horses that was just catching fire and they were saving their nickels and dimes to buy a horse. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “You better give up that bad movie thing if you want to save enough money for a horse.” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of the local stables and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is a babbling brook) they venture forth and soon find themselves perusing the horses for sale. Suddenly their eyes alight on a beautiful steed. He’s everything that a couple funky fresh dudez could want in a horse. But just as they approach the stables they are pushed to the ground. “This horse isn’t for little babies,” some older kids say and begin to laugh at them. After they leave, Patrick sits ruminating in his devastation. Jamie paces about, rending his garments in despair. At that moment of true sorrow they suddenly hear a quiet voice. “Don’t worry,” it says, “I know exactly what to do.” They look around in confusion. They are the only ones here other than a single horse staring at them from the furthest stall. As they approach they read the name on the door, ‘Don.’ Jamie and Patrick hesitate. “We have to consider our past bad experiences with talking horses,” Patrick says quietly. “Right, and we can’t forget the Not Foolz Rule,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined, “Don’t do what foolz do.” With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory. That’s right! We are watching Fools Rush In, the Matthew Perry vehicle that will have you asking the question: wait, is this the one where he pretends to be gay? Let’s go!

Fools Rush In (1997) – BMeTric: 28.1; Notability: 32

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 20.4%; Notability: top 26.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 34.9%; Higher BMeT: Batman & Robin, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Speed 2: Cruise Control, Home Alone 3, Steel, Mr. Magoo, Double Team, Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie, Chairman of the Board, Spawn, Flubber, An American Werewolf in Paris, Turbulence, Fire Down Below, Jungle 2 Jungle, Gone Fishin’, McHale’s Navy, The Pest, Kull the Conqueror, Plump Fiction, and 31 more; Higher Notability: Batman & Robin, The Saint, Speed 2: Cruise Control, The Jackal, Dante’s Peak, The Postman, Flubber, Spawn, The Man Who Knew Too Little, The Relic, Fathers’ Day, The Devil’s Own, Red Corner, Meet Wally Sparks, Kiss the Girls, Event Horizon, An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, Fire Down Below, Mad City, Steel, and 46 more; Lower RT: Plump Fiction, Fall, The Blackout, The Peacekeeper, McHale’s Navy, Shadow Conspiracy, Gone Fishin’, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Speed 2: Cruise Control, The Pest, ‘Til There Was You, An American Werewolf in Paris, An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, Dangerous Ground, The Postman, Mr. Magoo, 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag, Keys to Tulsa, Double Team, Chairman of the Board, and 61 more; Notes: Amazingly, Fools Rush In was basically the biggest “tv film” around if you look through the list here. Batman & Robin played 56 times in the two or so years left in the 90s, Speed 2 played 64 times, but pretty much all the rest pale in comparison to Fools Rush In coming in at 51. Pretty impressive. Our friend this week is Deadly Outbreak with Jeff Speakman which played primetime (and I’m not joking) on the Saturday after Thanksgiving on Cinemax. Really trying to goose those DVD sales huh boys!

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – In actual fact, of course, angels rush in where fools fear to tread. And that’s what happens to Alex Whitman, a fairly unexciting builder of nightclubs, when Isabel Fuentes comes into his life. Alex comes from Manhattan, where he leads the kind of WASP life that requires Jill Clayburgh as his mother. He’s in Las Vegas to supervise the construction of a new club, when he crosses paths with Isabel, a Mexican-American camera girl at Caesars, who believes in fate: “There is a reason behind all logic to bring us the exact same time and place.” The reason, which may be the oldest one in the world, leads them to the same bed for a one-night stand, which both insist they “never” do. But then Isabel disappears for three months, returning unexpectedly one day for a visit during which she asks for saltines (always an ominous sign) before telling Alex she is pregnant.

(I love it. I genuinely love when Ebert takes a film like this where it is just very confusing as to why exactly everyone is shitting on it and is like “huh … seems pretty good to me.” He’s right by the way, pretty heartfelt film about an unlikely couple just trying to make their way.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLKa24D1KUk/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLKa24D1KUk/

(Besides the pretty in your face racism undertones, the film seems charming. I’d put peak Selma Hayak against any other actress in the history of cinema. It is absurd how attractive she is. And oddly? Matthew Perry doesn’t feel like he’s entirely out of his league. Is that weird?)

Directors – Andy Tennant – ( Known For: Ever After: A Cinderella Story; Hitch; The Secret: Dare to Dream; Anna and the King; Wild Oats; Future BMT: It Takes Two; BMT: Sweet Home Alabama; Fools Rush In; Fool’s Gold; The Bounty Hunter; Notes: Nominated for two Emmy for The Kominsky Method which he produced and directed a bit on. That seems to be his most recent work for the most part.)

Writers – Joan Taylor – ( BMT: Fools Rush In; Notes: Huh. She was an actress, but she retired from acting in the 60s. I think she might have written specs for a while because she has a few credited novels, so I imagine they dusted this bad boy off well after it was written and she got a story credit.)

Katherine Reback – ( BMT: Fools Rush In; Notes: Incredibly her only credit. At all. What an odd pair. It makes me wonder how this film was even made. I bet there are a million non-credited writers in the end.)

Actors – Matthew Perry – ( Known For: 17 Again; The Whole Nine Yards; The Kid; Numb; Birds of America; Getting In; Future BMT: She’s Out of Control; Almost Heroes; A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon; Three to Tango; BMT: Fools Rush In; The Whole Ten Yards; Serving Sara; Notes: He claims that this is the film where his pain killer addiction began which on-and-off derailed his acting career quite publicly. Either he was just doing it for fun or there is a scene involving jet skis where he got injured.)

Salma Hayek – ( Known For: The Faculty; From Dusk Till Dawn; Puss in Boots: The Last Wish; Eternals; Sausage Party; Traffic; House of Gucci; Dogma; Here Comes the Boom; Magic Mike’s Last Dance; Desperado; Savages; The Hitman’s Bodyguard; Frida; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Puss in Boots; Four Rooms; Tale of Tales; Once Upon a Time in Mexico; Across the Universe; Future BMT: After the Sunset; 54; Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant; Like a Boss; How to Be a Latin Lover; Fled; BMT: Grown Ups; Grown Ups 2; Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; Wild Wild West; Fools Rush In; Fair Game; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Midaq Alley. Married to the son of French billionaire Francois Pinault who is the CEO of Kering.)

Jon Tenney – ( Known For: Tombstone; I See You; The Phantom; Wild Mountain Thyme; Rabbit Hole; You Can Count on Me; Nixon; Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home; Buying the Cow; Lassie; The Seagull; Homegrown; Guilty by Suspicion; Music from Another Room; As Cool as I Am; Hide Away; The Twilight of the Golds; Lovelife; Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World; Entropy; Future BMT: Legion; The Best of Me; The Stepfather; Love the Coopers; BMT: Green Lantern; Beverly Hills Cop III; Fools Rush In; Notes: Mostly a television actor, he is notably in the new Sex and the City show. I think even more notably he was a regular on The Closer with Kyra Sedgwick appearing in over 100 episodes. That’s what they call me at work. Kyra Sedgwick. Because I close.)

Budget/Gross – $20 million / Domestic: $29,481,428 (Worldwide: $29,481,428)

(That’s not half bad, but also not whole good. It was a wild time there where Matthew Perry was a decent romantic comedy leading man.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 34% (11/32): Only Fools Rush In to see a basic romantic comedy where opposites try to attract and find an unlikely happy ending.

(Yeah, on paper it is a standard formula with a few modern updates. There must have been something about Perry because it is a bit inexplicable that critics hated such harmless stuff … right? Were we just way harsher back then?)

NYT Short Review: A wisecracking New York WASP and a feisty latina have a shotgun wedding following a one-night stand.

Poster – Foolz Crush In

(Someone here was having fun with what was otherwise a very bad and forgettable poster (look at that font. Gross). Look at that tiny NYC with those tiny twin towers. And look at the two cacti to the left of those. Clever girl. D+)

Tagline(s) – What if finding the love of your life meant changing the life that you loved? (C-)

(I know you meant well and were on the right track, but I didn’t finish reading that because it’s like a Charles Dickens novel. Are you being paid by the word? Can’t even fit on the poster in legible font.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), The Godfather (1972), Scarface (1983), 12 Angry Men (1957), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Back to the Future Part II (1989), Dead Poets Society (1989), Citizen Kane (1941), The Game (1997), Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.1 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.3 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.3 Club Paradise (1986), 38.9 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 38.0 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.9 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.8 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.3 Spring Break (1983), 34.1 Father Hood (1993)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Leviathan (1989), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Fools Rush In (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Magic in the Water (1995), Lock Up (1989), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Best Options (Romance): 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 34.3 Spring Break (1983), 32.2 It Takes Two (1995), 28.1 Fools Rush In (1997), 22.7 Moonlight and Valentino (1995), 20.1 Art School Confidential (2006), 18.3 The Art of Getting By (2011), 16.7 Mr. Destiny (1990)

(My God, My Father the Hero is going to be a wild one eventually. I remember seeing it in pieces on television way back, and fat Gerard Depardieu shambling about with very young women around him is harrowing to say the least. Glad we didn’t do that one. This is the main genuine option in my opinion if you wanted one that played on a birthday.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Matthew Perry is No. 1 billed in Fools Rush In and No. 2 billed in The Whole Ten Yards, which also stars Bruce Willis (No. 1 billed) who is in Armageddon (No. 1 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 3 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 15. If we were to watch Like a Boss we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – The role of Alex’s (Matthew Perry) father is played by John Bennett Perry, who is actually Matthew Perry’s father.

Before the movie was filmed, there was no Arizona/Nevada “border” painted on the highway that spans the Hoover Dam. When it was added for the movie, local officials decided to keep it intact after the filming of the movie. As of September 2005 the border painted in the street is no longer there.

Jennifer Lopez was offered the role of Isabel Fuentes but turned it down in favor of Anaconda (1997).

John Bennett Perry (Alex’s father), Matthew Perry’s father, was in another of his son’s work. He played the father of Joshua, Rachel’s boyfriend, on FRIENDS. They would also play father and son in an episode of Scrubs.

Matthew Perry credits a jet ski accident on the set of this film as fuelling his addiction with prescription drugs