Oh man, so get this? I’m a sad, L.A. virgin just looking to do what all the other boys are doing (their girlfriends I imagine … I wouldn’t know). But what ho?! A lovely much older lady takes an interest in me, and now I’m sapping on bubbly at her swanky L.A. mans? One problem … I kind of then forget everything and now I’m dressing all in black and only awake at night. I think I’m a vampire, but I don’t remember. Do you remember what happened in Once Bitten?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) What car are Jim Carrey and his girlfriend Karen Kopin in in the beginning when everyone else is having sex?
2) What happens that causes Jim Carrey to leave the phone-a-date bar in a rush?
3) Carrey’s friends have a disastrous time at the bar, but they have a new idea for where to pick up ladies. Where and how does it go?
4) What are all four of their costumes at the big Halloween bash?
5) In the end Jim Carrey is brought to the swanky L.A. mansion of the vampire where they are attempting to do what? In the end how does he evade his fate?
Bonus Question: Years later Carrey and Kopin are happily married with a child of their own, young Russel. On Russel’s 18th birthday they get a visitor of the night however. Who is it?
Jamie and Patrick are 12-years-old on a field trip to the Aquarium of Dangerous Animals. “Someday I’m going to be a pretty good diver, but then transition my skillz into being the top action star of my day,” Jamie explains as they look into a tank containing the Bolivian Rhino Piranha. Patrick thinks this is pretty ambitious (top ten seems more like it) but lets Jamie have his little dream. He daren’t speak of his own secret dream: the one where he dons his cable knit sweater and writes genre-busting novels. Jamie would probably laugh. “Drink break,” the teacher calls and hands out bottled water to Jamie, Patrick and the rest of their classmates. “Drink up, because it’s time for the big show,” the teacher says excitedly. A murmur arises from the kids. It’s time for the Velocishark, a recently rediscovered shark that was previously thought to be the bold artistic vision of caveman imaginations. But those cave paintings were now known to be all too real. As they approach the Velocishark’s tank the kids crowd the edge and one child drops his water bottle into the water below. He leans precariously over the edge. “Yo, you know you can just drink water out of the tap,” Patrick says scornfully. Just then the kid momentarily loses balance and with flailing arms knocks the water bottles from Jamie and Patrick’s hands for a double splash directly on their crotches. No doubt about it, it looks like they peed their pants and everyone knows it.
Jamie and Patrick shake their heads. Horrible. They then let Metaphorical Kyle know they are ready to go. “Once bitten, twice shy, no more Mr. Nice Guy,” Jamie and Patrick say, coining in that moment what scientists contend is the perfect catchphrase. Time to pound some dweebs. That’s right! We are watching the early Jim Carrey vehicle Once Bitten. The movie played a number of times on Comedy Central back in the day, but I don’t recall ever sitting all the way through it. Mostly because I didn’t think it was funny. Or maybe I was super sc-sc-sc-scared. We are pairing that with the little known T&A comedy Summer Job, which aired on TV the same day as the primetime premier of Once Bitten (January 30, 1991). Despite how small the film is, it somehow ended up airing 39 times on TV in the 90’s (credit to Patrick who does all the legwork on our recent TV listing obsession). Let’s go!
Once Bitten (1985) – BMeTric: 41.3; Notability: 36
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 4.8%; Notability: top 9.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 3.6%; Higher BMeT: Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, Howling II: … Your Sister Is a Werewolf, Red Sonja, Porky’s Revenge, King Solomon’s Mines, Transylvania 6-5000, Gymkata, Perfect, Creature, American Ninja, Private Resort, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Higher Notability: A View to a Kill, Spies Like Us, King David, National Lampoon’s European Vacation, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, Perfect, Head Office, Brewster’s Millions, My Science Project, Santa Claus: The Movie, Turk 182, Invasion U.S.A., Rocky IV, The Slugger’s Wife, Death Wish 3, Warning Sign, Heaven Help Us, Maxie, Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Creator, and 4 more; Lower RT: American Ninja, That Was Then… This Is Now, The Slugger’s Wife, Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer, Head Office, Maxie, King Solomon’s Mines, King David; Notes: This was on an amazing 45 times, including its prime time network premiere on January 30, 1991 (the same day at Summer Job, our friend). Full page ad in the New York Times on page C7 on November 15, 1985 (quarter for week 2 and 3, then a small 16th in week 4, then done). Nothing super funny on it, besides maybe it suggesting you buy the soundtrack. The song “Once Bitten” was written by 3-Speed which unfortunately doesn’t have a wiki page. “3 Speed enjoyed considerable success after the release of the Once Bitten soundtrack; at one point they were even opening for Pat Benatar.” They were from Boston and never wrote an album, instead recording songs for the Rad and Savage Streets soundtracks.
Leonard Maltin – BOMB – Inept comedy about Vampires (Hutton) who intrudes on amorous pursuits of some teenagers because she needs the blood of a virgin to maintain her youthful glow. Pretty anemic; Carrey is very restrained.
(Fits with what I heard which is Carrey is bizarrely not … Carrey in this. And love the play on words with “anemic” and, of course, the semicolon. I’ve missed Leonard’s cheeky semicolons since I’ve switched to Ebert for the most part.)
(Wait … that was the actual trailer? Seems like it. So, I guess that is what happens when you don’t have any money to make actual television / preview spots? Is that what Canadian trailers used to be? More seriously I wonder if that was a radio spot and the graphics were added more recently.)
Directors – Howard Storm – ( BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Was part of a comedy duo called Gale and Storm with his roommate Lou Alexander.)
Writers – Dimitri Villard – ( BMT: Once Bitten; In Love and War; Notes: Actually quite an accomplished producer in the 80s, founder of New Star Entertainment.)
David Hines and Jeffrey Hause – ( BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Wrote an episode of the cartoon Tales from the Cryptkeeper which I had never heard of.)
Jonathan Roberts – ( Known For: The Lion King; The Lion King; The Hunchback of Notre Dame; James and the Giant Peach; The Sure Thing; Khumba; Future BMT: Jack Frost; BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Obviously most famous for writing five episodes of 90210. The Sure Thing stars Daphne Zuniga which I just watched in Vision Quest weirdly, and we just saw in The Fly II. Maybe I should try and complete her filmography.)
Actors – Lauren Hutton – ( Known For: American Gigolo; The Joneses; Gator; Little Fauss and Big Halsy; The Gambler; Zorro: The Gay Blade; A Wedding; Lassiter; Welcome to L.A.; The Chant of Jimmie Blacksmith; Paternity; Viva Knievel!; Paper Lion; Forbidden Sun; Just a Little Harmless Sex; Pieces of Dreams; Millions; Tout feu tout flamme; Loser Love; Missing Pieces; Future BMT: 54; I Feel Pretty; My Father the Hero; Malone; BMT: Once Bitten; Perfect; Notes: Had a talk show in 1995, and was a Playboy Bunny way back. Last worked in 2018.)
Jim Carrey – ( Known For: The Truman Show; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; Liar Liar; Ace Ventura: Pet Detective; The Mask; Sonic the Hedgehog 2; Dumb and Dumber; Sonic the Hedgehog; Bruce Almighty; Dark Crimes; Yes Man; Me, Myself & Irene; The Bad Batch; A Series of Unfortunate Events; How the Grinch Stole Christmas; The Cable Guy; Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues; Earth Girls Are Easy; Horton Hears a Who!; Man on the Moon; Future BMT: Kick-Ass 2; Dumb and Dumber To; Fun with Dick and Jane; The Incredible Burt Wonderstone; Pink Cadillac; BMT: Batman Forever; Once Bitten; Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls; The Number 23; Notes: Y’all know Carrey, we just saw him in the Ace Ventura films. Honestly we’ve done all his good BMTs, but someday we’ll finish him off I suppose. Check out his career, really never a lull, it is incredibly impressive.)
Karen Kopins – ( Known For: Fast Forward; Future BMT: Troop Beverly Hills; Creator; Jake Speed; BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Jake Speed is crazy. Never on television in the 90s, but did get play in the late 80s. About 800 theaters, 1000 votes on IMDb, and just got a fifth review a few years ago. Would be quite the borderline BMT if we ever do it. Miss Connecticut 1977, still lives there with her high school sweetheart and four kids. Was going to be a Charlie’s Angel but the 1988 pilot wasn’t picked up. Stopped acting in 1994.)
Budget/Gross – $3.2 million / Domestic: $10,000,000 (Worldwide: $10,000,000)
(Surprisingly okay, but like … do I believe it? I want to see the data. This? $10 million? How?)
(There isn’t really a consensus because no one had a snippet outside of the one good review and then one bad review. I did enjoy the bad review which called the movie icky and disturbing essentially. Having watched the film I can’t say that isn’t accurate.)
NYT Short Review: Vampire countess seeks male virgin. Too many Bloody Mary jokes.
(I like the little bat, but that’s about it. There’s not really a cohesion to it. Like why is the vampire see through? I don’t get it. I do find it amusing that the title has a tiny “Samuel Goldwyn Jr.’s” at the top. You know I wasn’t gonna catch this flick but once I found out Sammy G Jr. did this one I was all in. Odd. He’s the Executive Producer. C-)
Tagline(s) – Mark Kendall just found out that his one-night stand has been around for centuries. (C-)
A tasty comedy. (D+)
(I was going to give the first one an F, but then I think I saw what they were going for. One-night vs. centuries. At least a little interesting, if extremely long. So I upgraded it. The short one under the title is nonsense. Tasty because a vampire bites people? I mean sure. But regular people also find things tasty. That’s not a vampire exclusive.)
Keyword(s) – canada
Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.7 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.1 Prom Night (2008), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 74.0 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.2 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 69.0 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.9 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996)
BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), Alone in the Dark (2005), The Wicker Man (2006), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), … (and many more)
Best Options (Vampire): 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 41.5 Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 41.2 Once Bitten (1985), 40.9 Blade: Trinity (2004), 40.6 The Forsaken (2001), 40.6 The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 27.7 Dracula Untold (2014), 24.6 Underworld: Awakening (2012), 20.0 Innocent Blood (1992)
(I’m a bit stunned at just how many vampire films there are. I suppose the question is: will we ever watch them all? I can’t see why we wouldn’t. That would be wild.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jim Carrey is No. 1 billed in Once Bitten and No. 1 billed in The Number 23, which also stars Virginia Madsen (No. 2 billed) who is in Firewall (No. 3 billed) which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 14. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Notes – The role of the Countess was written for Cassandra Peterson, better known as TV horror-hostess Elvira.
By the time the film was released, writer Jeffrey Hause had blown through his initial earnings and had to take a job as a video store clerk. One day an oblivious customer remarked of the film, “Whoever wrote this shouldn’t be working in Hollywood,” and an incensed Hause retorted, “YOU GOT YOUR WISH!”
During the chase scene when Robin punches a vampire, she actually hit him in one take and knocked his fake teeth out.
Screenwriter Jeffrey Hause campaigned for Michael J. Fox to star in the film, but executive producer Samuel Goldwyn Jr. was convinced that Fox would never be able to carry a big-screen movie.
The tune Mark’s ice cream truck plays is a variation on the “Peter” theme of Sergei Prokofiev’s “Peter and the Wolf.”
Meg Meg Meg Meg! We did it. Just when it seemed like no movie could qualify for BMT without hitting 39.9% on RT, we get a film that even dips below 30%. That’s like getting a 5% back in 2005. Take our recent fare, Serving Sara. That goes absolutely roasted by critics. It’s at 4% on RT. Abominable. You’d think the reviews would be like “this film ran over my dog” or something. But nah. They are mostly like “not funny and a waste of my valuable time”… 4%! For wasting the precious time of the reviewer who was warning you not to waste your valuable time on it. Thanks, reviewer. Nowadays reviewers don’t even have the common decency to warn you against mere wastes of time. They are like “maybe you like to waste your time” or “who am I to tell you how valuable your time is” or “time is a mere social construct and in fact cannot be wasted.” Case in point: Meg 2.
To recap, Jason Statham is back, Jack! And boy does he have a kid he’s trying to protect while they live on a research vessel studying The Trench and Megalodons. Seems like a primo place for your kid to be in danger, but you do you Statham. On just another routine mission the research subs are attacked by a Megalodon and they have to dive into The Trench. Things are getting hairy and only get hairier when it’s revealed that Statham’s daughter has stowed away. Entirely unpredictable event! Having veered into unexplored territory they are shocked to find a whole mining operation going on beneath their noses. The eeeevil miners blow up the trench and nearly destroy Statham and the gang. With time running out they make a break for the mining facility and get there just in time (for our main characters at least). They soon discover that this is all a plot by their eeeevil investor and their eeeevil coworker. Despite sabotage and fisticuffs, the gang is able to escape and make it back to the surface. They gather up the rest of the good guys and head to Fun Island, where a few Megs that escaped The Trench via the blast are heading. A big climactic scene occurs where the bad guys try to kill the good guys, the good guys try to kill the Megs, and the Megs try to kill everyone. Eventually Statham wins the day and everyone laughs and laughs and laughs. Oh and his kid is fine, but we all knew that, right? THE END.
The experience of watching this in the theater involved me and Patrick looking at each other over and over as the film devolved into an incoherent mess. At one point I mouthed, “This might be the worst thing I have ever seen” and I wasn’t wrong. When they find a secret laboratory on the bottom of the trench and dinos are attacking them and everything looks like total shit I wondered how in the world this wasn’t a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Fortunately it started to take itself slightly less seriously as the film progressed and so wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen. But it was close. I did not like the trash first film and this one is double trash and the sequel will probably be triple tr… oh, wait, sorry. I forgot my long running character, Franchise Man. Ahem. Here it goes… I loved this film. Feed me more Megs, please, I’ll gobble them up like a good piggy. Oink oink. Franchise Man!
Hot Take Clam Bake! A hot take that was already in play from the first film is even more in play for this film. It’s not even a hot take. It’s an ice cold take. Why in the world is the minor that Jason Statham is the guardian of spending her days in a highly dangerous research lab? I don’t know what the laws are around the world, and if I learned one thing from Armaggeddon it’s that growing up on a highly dangerous ocean rig is pretty great, but still. The girl was nearly killed by a Megalodon already… now she’s just hanging out at the only Megalodon research facility in the world? Someone needs to do something. Get that girl out of there before… damn it, too late, she’s already stowed away on your doomed adventure. Now she’s destined to marry whatever Ben Affleck stand-in you find for Meg 3: Ocean Hole. Congrats. Hot Take Temperature: the ice cold waters of the Marianas Trench.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about the worst trailer I’ve ever seen about three giant sharks trying to chow down on Olympic-caliber diver Jason Statham? Good luck, sharks, he’s smooth like a seal and has shark-like speed in the water. Let’s go!
I’m not joking. When the trailer dropped for this guy I gasped at how bad it looked. Walking on the bottom of the Marianas Trench? Giant CGI sharks attacking Fun Island? Shooting guns and battling dinosaurs in the ocean? It looked aggressively dumb and not in the usual way. I shouted (my wife can testify) “If this isn’t BMT there is no God!” Well, we did it boys, God lives (for now …).
The young lady sitting next to me in the theater was on her phone 100% of the time during this film. One might ask why? Why pay for a movie and then not watch it? Only she knows.
We also watched it in 3D. Bar none, this was the worst 3D film I’ve ever seen. There are two pretty major action scenes which are normal action scenes and in 3D they are 100% incoherent. Completely nonsensical.
So what did we learn? We learned that you can swim around on the bottom of the ocean as long as you fill your sinuses with water because water is incompressible. Makes sense … (ignore the air in your GI tract, and I’m going to assume that it would do something to your eyes / brain, but the internet is somewhat inconclusive on this matter).
We learned that after swimming around on the bottom of the ocean you can wake up with no ill-effects and get into a fist fight with a martial artist and be pretty okay. Hot take: I think that maybe in reality filling your entire head with water and passing out might not be something you can wake up and recover from in a hot second.
We learned that dinosaurs live on the bottom of the ocean, but also those same dinosaurs can pop up on the surface and walk around … like that’s totally normal right? Just breathing underwater and then popping out and running around and eating people. That’s how things work in real life right?
We learned that you should definitely have a group of effectively faceless “friends” who can die in various ways. And also that that one person who you declare you’ve been friends with for “four years” but wasn’t in the first film is probably the bad guy.
Speaking of which, one of the good guys was like “we can all trust each other in this room, we need to find the mole” and I practically shouted “blonde-haired lady is the bad guy!” in the theater. So dumb.
A funny Product Placement (What?) for Page Kennedy’s MCM Worldwide survival backpack, probably the only genuinely funny moment in the film. Setting as a Character (Where?) for the Marianas Trench. And Worst Twist (How?) for the “reveal” that the head of the company (and one of the engineers) are in cahoots to mine the bottom of the ocean (!) for some rare material (!) worth billions (!). This film is BMT nonsense and it isn’t boring, which feels abnormal for the big bad BMT blockbusters we usually watch for Live.
Oh man, get this. I was walking around in the Marianas Trench, as usual, when all of a sudden a bunch of small dinos attacked. Long story short I filled my head with water and swam around shooting them with my underwater gun. The only problem is I now have severe brain damage and can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Meg 2: The Trench?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Uh oh, Statham is doing push ups in a cargo container during his time off from The Trench™ Inc. What is Statham’s side job at the opening of the film?
2) But what is Statham’s real job as well? What are they doing with The Trench™?
3) But uh oh!!!!!! What is the super secret bad guys doing in The Trench™?!?!?
4) And now the Megs are on the loose and they are attacking Fun Island (real storyline). There are two other weirdo deep sea creatures up from The Trench™ though. What are they?
5) Phew, they defeated all the monsters. Or wait a tick … did they? How did they stop the good Megalogon which went from above The Trench™ to below The Trench™ and now I guess lives in the real world?
Bonus Question: Well they’ve now fought three Megs, which probably is about the worst it could be, right? WRONG. Three years later Statham is doing pull ups on the bottom of the Marianas Trench, when the next big baddie shows up. What is it?
“This can’t get any worse,” Jamie mumbles, tears dripping down his face. Bottled water! Outrageous. He and Patrick had always promised that they would burn the company to the ground before betraying the mission of BMT. That mission includes ice cold Coca-Cola. It includes the X-treme flavor blast of Mountain Dew. It includes the Rocky Mountain taste of a cold Coors Light. But it sure as hell doesn’t include bottled water. “You can drink it straight out of the tap,” Patrick says, shaking his head. “You know what Kyle would have said to all of this,” Jamie says with a chuckle, and Patrick nods his head with a smirk. “Water schmater, water is for the birds.” Classic Kyle catchphrase. They turn to the Metaphorical Kyle with determination. “You’ve convinced us,” they say, “what do we do?” Kyle is a bit bemused. “You sure you don’t want to see what they do next? I mean, it’s way worse than bottled water. This is just a front for a much more dastardly plan.” They consider for a moment and then nod their heads. The Metaphorical Kyle whispers it in their ears and their eyes widen. “Boy that is way worse,” Patrick says, looking a little sick. “I actually wish you hadn’t told us that,” Jamie agrees, “In fact, let’s not talk about that part. We’ll just make sure they don’t get the company and start selling bottled water.” The Metaphorical Kyle shrugs his shoulders and gets ready to fly them back to the Apologies Tour brought to you by Tim Horton’s. As they are about to leave Jamie and Patrick recall the root of their hatred of bottled water. It’s a story not about water being for the birds, but rather… for the sharks. Bum bum bum. That’s right! We are finally getting the opportunity for a second BMT Live! Of the year with the sequel we’ve all been anticipating. Meg 2: The Trench! The first one didn’t qualify, but I thought it was horrible. Patrick liked it a little better. Let’s see if we agree on this one. Let’s go!
Meg 2: The Trench (2023) – BMeTric: 28.4; Notability: 24
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 6.8%; Notability: top 2.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 15.4%; Higher BMeT: Knights of the Zodiac, 65, The Black Demon, The Ritual Killer, The Out-Laws, White Men Can’t Jump, Hypnotic, House Party, Your Place or Mine, Maybe I Do, Ghosted, Insidious: The Red Door, The Tutor, Mafia Mamma, The Old Way, Paint, Johnny & Clyde; Higher Notability: Ghosted, House Party, Spinning Gold, Haunted Mansion, The Out-Laws, 65, Your Place or Mine; Lower RT: Dead Man’s Hand, Johnny & Clyde, The Ritual Killer, Assassin Club, On a Wing and a Prayer, The Tutor, The Out-Laws, Robots, Fear, Mafia Mamma, Knights of the Zodiac, Sweetwater, One True Loves, God Is a Bullet, Love Again, Ambush, White Men Can’t Jump, Ghosted, The Machine, House Party; Notes: Solid early BMeT, but the Notability is quite surprising. I don’t know why this wouldn’t involve more big name production. It has a big name director and ensemble cast. Who knows. House Party is probably one of the weirder ones that came out this year that we have a chance of seeing.
RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – Anyone hoping that Ben Wheatley might bring some of the exuberant personality and boundary-pushing creativity on display in films like “Kill List” and “In the Earth” to his for-hire gig directing the dismally boring “Meg 2: The Trench” should find different cinematic waters to swim in. Much as in his atrocious remake of “Rebecca” in 2020, Wheatley mostly phones it in here, and he does so with a rotary landline. At least until the final half-hour, when he’s finally free to unleash some monstrous chaos, this is one of the dullest films of the year, a plodding, poorly made giant shark movie that inexplicably lets the giant shark take a backseat to an evil underwater drilling operation. This thing just has no teeth.
(Yup, this is basically what I’ve heard on the street (aka online). That the film takes ages to get to the good stuff and for no discernible reason at all. But once it does it is pretty fun.)
(Yeah … so this was the prime example of where this trailer dropped and I was like “this looks horrible, if this isn’t qualifying there is no God.” I’m glad I still have it a bit. There seemed like there was an okay reception for it online, but when I saw it I just couldn’t help but think it looked terrible.)
Directors – Ben Wheatley – ( Known For: Free Fire; In the Earth; Rebecca; Kill List; High-Rise; Sightseers; The ABCs of Death; A Field in England; Happy New Year, Colin Burstead; Down Terrace; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Notes: British. He wife co-wrote High-Rise which he directed. Started by making viral videos, his films are considered somewhat “visionary” for horror fans. Except Rebecca which people seem to have not liked at all.)
Writers – Jon Hoeber and Erich Hoeber – ( Known For: Transformers: Rise of the Beasts; The Meg; RED; RED 2; My Spy; Montana; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Battleship; Whiteout; Notes: Boo, we were pretty close to a twofer with Transformers: Rise of the Beasts for BMT Live. Kind of wild that we’ve kind of accidentally completed their BMT filmography.)
Dean Georgaris – ( Known For: The Meg; The Manchurian Candidate; Future BMT: Tristan + Isolde; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Paycheck; Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life; Notes: Been making crap action for a while now. Does a bit of television as well, including two episodes of the new Quantum Leap.)
Steve Alten – ( Known For: The Meg; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Notes: Wrote the books. Was at one point the assistant basketball coach for the University of Delaware. Has a degree in Physical Education.)
Actors – Jason Statham – ( Known For: The Meg; Fast X; Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre; Snatch; Wrath of Man; F9: The Fast Saga; Collateral; Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels; Homefront; Furious 7; Spy; The Italian Job; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; The Expendables; The Fate of the Furious; Furious 6; Safe; The Transporter; Transporter 2; Parker; Future BMT: The Pink Panther; War; The One; Turn It Up; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Crank; The Expendables 3; Mechanic: Resurrection; Crank: High Voltage; Killer Elite; In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Ghosts of Mars; Notes: Ah Statham. Should I do it? Why not: was an Olympic caliber high diver competing for England in the Commonwealth Games.)
Jing Wu – ( Known For: Ride On; The Wandering Earth II; The Wandering Earth; Wolf Warrior; Kill Zone; The Battle at Lake Changjin; Shaolin; Wolf Warrior 2; The Climbers; Kill Zone 2; Water Gate Bridge; Badges of Fury; Legendary Assassin; My Country, My Parents; The Sacrifice; My People, My Country; Invisible Target; Call of Heroes; Home Coming; Twins Mission; Future BMT: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Notes: Trained at the Beijing Wushu Academy because his father and grandfather were both martial artists. Was then spotted by a talent scout looking for martial artists for a film.)
Shuya Sophia Cai – ( Known For: The Meg; Somewhere Only We Know; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Notes: Oh this is the kid … I would have thought the mother / love interest would have been the second or third lead. Whatever, she lives in New Zealand and is fluent in both Mandarin and English.)
Budget/Gross – $129 million / Domestic: $12,000,000 (Worldwide: $12,000,000)
(Obviously this is just the first weekend. It seems like it is going to basically make its reported budget worldwide in the first weekend, which I think means it’ll just barely be profitable? But I don’t know how much is the somewhat less profitable Chinese market, so unclear. The CinemaScore being quite bad means it could miss it due to word of mouth as well.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 29% (34/117): It isn’t without its fun moments, but Meg 2: The Trench suffers from a disjointed story that drifts for too long before finally delivering a few campy thrills.
(Yes, the thing I’ve seen is basically that the first hour operates like Jaws … but you’ve already seen the giant shark in the first one? So it ends up being quite dull until the last act when it picks up. B- CinemaScore which is terrible, and the verified user ratings are also quite bad.)
NY Times Short Review: This lively sequel to 2018’s somewhat tepid killer-shark blockbuster greatly improves upon its predecessor by getting gorier, funnier and more stylish.
(I want to hate this poster, but it’s kinda good. God damn it. B.)
Tagline(s) – New Meg. Old Chum. (A+)
(Even the tagline is good. And it’s not even good… it’s great! What the hell.)
Keyword(s) – shark
Top 10: Finding Nemo (2003), Toy Story (1995), Jurassic World (2015), Life of Pi (2012), Jaws (1975), Despicable Me (2010), Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005), Aquaman (2018), Shrek 2 (2004), Despicable Me 2 (2013)
Future BMT: 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 59.7 My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006), 36.3 Into the Blue (2005), 34.7 Leviathan (1989), 34.2 Suspect Zero (2004), 34.1 Shark Tale (2004), 33.8 Along Came Polly (2004), 33.5 Armed and Dangerous (1986), 25.9 After the Sunset (2004), 23.7 Pirates (1986), 21.5 Colombiana (2011), 19.4 Kick-Ass 2 (2013), 19.3 Ice Age: Continental Drift (2012), 16.9 The Beach (2000)
BMT: Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Jaws 3-D (1983), Movie 43 (2013), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Chairman of the Board (1998), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Strange Wilderness (2008), Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life (2003), Serenity (2019), Gamer (2009), Mechanic: Resurrection (2016), Battleship (2012), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Meg 2: The Trench (2023)
Best Options (Year 2023):11.5 Meg 2: The Trench (2023)
(Wait, this is the only Shark film this year that qualifies?! No, I knew that. I just wanted the funny sub-genre of 2023 shark films. Looking at BMT obviously the Jawses work, but otherwise I think the rest kind of incidentally have a shark. Shark Night looks like the only other “real” shark film that qualifies.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 6) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jason Statham is No. 1 billed in Meg 2: The Trench and No. 1 billed in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 6. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Notes – While speaking to entertainment site DenOfGeek in April 2021, director Ben Wheatley hinted that the film might see Jason Statham facing off against not one but several giant, prehistoric sharks.
The Meg 2 has been in the works since October 2018, essentially right after the original movie released. By early 2019, producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura confirmed that a script was in the works, and the sequel gained momentum in October 2020, when Ben Wheatley was announced as The Meg 2 director. The English filmmaker is best known for helming horror movies such as Kill List (2011), Sightseers (2012) and In The Earth (2021). Wheatley has also explored other genres with High-Rise (2015), Free Fire (2016), and the 2020 Netflix adaptation, Rebecca.
Influenced by the strike of SAG-AFTRA, publicity activities such as the London premiere have been canceled. The world premiere will be held in the Beijing National Indoor Stadium in Beijing on July 28, which is also the only premiere in the world.
In April 2021, Jason Statham confirmed that things are finally falling into place regarding the sequel. He said the script is ready and that filming should begin the following January.
It was announced in Nov. 2020 that Jason Statham is set to reprise his role and will reportedly be involved in the overall creative process. The supporting cast hadn’t officially been announced, but much of the “key talent” is expected to return. In that case, The Meg 2 will presumably feature Bingbing Li, Ruby Rose and Page Kennedy, among others.
For films that I don’t have much personal history with or don’t have any broader implications for our BMT venture (and Magic in the Water certainly fits that bill) I like to look back at the date that the film was released. Oddly this film was allegedly released on a Wednesday, which is apparently true as the New York Times does state that it “Starts Today” in that Wednesday’s Magic in the Water ad. I guess this was to capture the magic in the Labor Day weekend or something. But that’s not the headline to my journey back to August 30th, 1995. No, the headline is the relatively small banner that ran under the poster for the film:
I smell a new cycle. Gotta catch ‘em all, and I don’t mean Pokemon. I mean this level of product tie-in. It’s gorgeous.
To recap, the Black family are off to Glenorky for the summer. Father, Jack (yes, his name is Jack Black), is a psychiatrist-turned-radio-host who is attempting to write a new book. He’s a workaholic and the kids, Ashley and Josh, are struggling to connect to him. Lucky for Ashley she’s got America’s favorite cookie Oreo to keep her company. Even luckier? There is also a monster in the lake, Orky, that enjoys America’s favorite cookie Oreo too (despite being a very Canadian monster). Jack starts to get to know a local psychiatrist and finds that she’s treating a bunch of men in town for “hallucinations” that occur after allegedly interacting with Orky. When Ashley runs away one night, Jack is aided by Orky to save her in the nick of time. This interaction with Orky gives Jack a psychic connection that tunes him into the fact that Orky is being hurt by something nefarious in the lake. Turns out some local industrialists are illegally dumping their waste in the lake and are getting more and more concerned that a bunch of Japanese scientists are going to find out what they are doing. Just when Jack is locked up for his increasingly bizarre behavior, the industrialists hatch a plan to use a big ol’ monster submarine to trick the Japanese researchers into thinking the monster was just a ruse the whole time and to leave them alone. It’s up to the kids to stop them and they hijack the submarine, which unfortunately sinks. They are definitely going to die and it’s real grim, but then Orky comes and saves them. Jack is also suddenly there too and they all watch as Orky dies from exposure to the waste. They then leave Orky’s cave and are pretty bummed actually. But then Orky comes back to life and eats a bunch more of America’s favorite cookie Oreo. THE END.
That all actually happened. I can’t tell if this is as bizarre as I think it is or we just don’t watch kids movies enough. Maybe it’s only bizarre that it made it to theaters. Or maybe it’s only bizarre that it was a random Canadian film plucked from obscurity in America’s thirst for Loch Ness Monster content. Or maybe it’s not bizarre at all. It’s impossible for me to tell. The only thing I know is this is a children’s movie where some kids are sad because their dad is locked up in an insane asylum and they are left alone and then they almost die in a submarine accident and then their monster friend actually does die right in front of them. It’s just… they spend an inordinate amount of time showing you the unpleasant and bizarre behavior of a man driven insane by his contact with a supernatural being. It sounds like I’m describing a horror film. That’s because it was horrific.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Patrick should have put a spoiler warning on his section cause you better believe all those kids died in that submarine. You couldn’t ask for a more perfect “moment before death” scene than the kids being reunited with their crazy dad in Orky’s cave just before the monster dies… but wait, actually no he is still alive, see he ate some cookies. Uh, really? No wonder wikipedia’s synopsis for the film ends by saying that the cookies being eaten at the end “suggest that Orky is still alive, or reincarnated.” They can’t tell because it doesn’t matter. Just the sad dreams of a girl dying in a submarine. Hot Take Temperature: Oreo.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we sitting here feeling like kids again because an ancient wise sea monster inhabited our soul?! Let’s go!
It’s been a minute since we did a kids’ movie. Let the useless nonsense wash over you like a Glenorky tide.
Mark Harmon … oh boy. I feel like in this film you can witness his transition from that 80s scamp in Summer School, to no nonsense dad (or dad adjacent) character in this film right here. Do you think while filming he thought to himself: I feel young again. Maybe Summer School 2 is in the books!
The kid actors were pretty solid though. I’m surprised the daughter didn’t act in anything else. Unless you count a creepy looking FMV kids adventure game called Piper. Joshua Jackson was a child actor star, charisma out the wazoo.
The direction does let it down on occasion. Mainly just small asides they do (in particular a short shot of Jackson putting Cap’n Crunch on some bread and eating it). And the bad guy plot feels like it was shot by someone else who was trying to make a live action Captain Planet episode.
The film is much better earlier when it is just about a father who has lost his way prior to him becoming a kid again.
The submarine death scene is harrowing though. Seems likely that we are dealing with a Jacob’s Ladder situation and the children died in the sub and Harmon died in the fall into the cavern below the beach. Sad stuff.
Also the degree to which Dr. Wanda Bell seems to be over-prescribing sedatives to fairly innocuous (if delusional) people seems problematic. As is her seeming to be primarily practicing psychiatry when she admits to being trained as a general practitioner.
The only thing I’ll say that I did like how the fun kiddy nonsense they partake in (controlling the clouds, digging to China, etc.) all played into the final scene where that is how Harmon saves his kids and how the daughter saves Orky from discovery. The one moment the script seems to shine through a bit.
Oh … I mean I can’t not mention the Oreos. America’s favorite cookie! Everyone is just chowing down on Oreos. Orky is chowing down on Oreos. Oreos are everywhere. It is one of the craziest things I’ve ever seen.
Obviously Product Placement (What?) for Oreos, America’s favorite cookie. Setting as a Character (Where?) for the mythical town of Glenorky. I think Orky might be a living breathing MacGuffin (Why?). And Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that that sad death scene was a ruse, and Orky lives! Or is it Orky Jr? We’ll never know. This is closest to BMT I think. It ain’t good, but I also didn’t find it particularly unpleasant, so I think it works for a very rare BMT kids’ film.
Oh man, so get this. I was on holiday in Canada, naturally, and obviously macking on some of America’s favorite cookies, Oreos. When all of a sudden a sea monster came up and snagged all of them. Needless to say I attempted to free dive to save my delicious treat, but I passed out and got severe oxygen deprivation induced brain damage. Now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Magic in the Water?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) We meet Mark Harmon and his two precocious kids just as they set off for a holiday in Glenorchy (Home of Orky!). What is Harmon’s job?
2) While there he meets his obvious love interest, who shares this job. What is the shared psychosis that all her patients have?
3) Oh yeah, meanwhile Orky is real (who knew!?). How does Ashley know that he’s real though, and how does she generally detect he is nearby, AND what does this mean for poor Orky?
4) Uh oh, there are some bad guys. What are they concerned about, and what is their plan to prevent the toxic waste dump site from being discovered?
5) After the children definitely don’t die in a horrifying homemade submarine accident, who saves them and how?
Bonus Question: Obviously we would expect the family to move to Glenorky to be near their best friend Orky. Well, Orky’s got a surprise for them. What is it?
“That’s right, you do love your wife,” Kyle explains as they stand in front of a new scene. It’s Metaphor Patrick somberly sitting in a room full of lawyers as they hash out his divorce. Tears stream down his face. “That’s why you end up giving her whatever she wants,” Kyle continues, “and what she wants is half your stake in the company.” Jamie and Patrick do the math. Their 60% is now 45%… “But she wouldn’t. You’re lying,” Patrick says, before running dramatically to a nearby fainting couch. And they would have thought he actually had fainted if it wasn’t for all the snot and drool that accompanied his intensely loud sobbing. “Your right, it isn’t true… yet,” Kyle says, “but it will be, and shortly thereafter your ex-wife, distraught at your betrayal, sells her stake to the Dudikoffs and jets off to Europe to start her life anew in a reverse Sound of Music type scenario.” Patrick’s sobs get even louder. Jaime is perplexed. “So this is all just to get their hands on BMT? But they have that already. We are doing a worldwide tour of Canada for them. What else do they want?” Kyle gives him a look of deep sadness. They still aren’t getting it. He snaps his fingers and they are standing in front of a billboard. “Welcome to Glenorky, home of the Bad Movie Twins Water Company.” Forcing Patrick to divorce his wife and six kids is one thing. But turning BMT into a bottled water company was crossing the line. “It’s the one thing we said we’d never do,” Patrick says softly. “You can drink it out of the tap, for god sakes,” Jamie yells, before punching a hole in the billboard next to the company’s tagline: “There’s Magic in the Water.” That’s right! We’re watching that film we all know and love, Magic in the Water. It’s got Mark Harmon. It’s got Josh Jackson. It’s got Canada’s version of Nessy. So basically it’s got everything. Let’s go!
Magic in the Water (1995) – BMeTric: 20.5; Notability: 23
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 23.6%; Notability: top 26.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 16.2%; Higher BMeT: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls, Jury Duty, Batman Forever, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Congo, Theodore Rex, The Babysitter, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Judge Dredd, Nine Months, The Scarlet Letter, Johnny Mnemonic, Virtuosity, and 39 more; Higher Notability: Batman Forever, Congo, Judge Dredd, Cutthroat Island, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Showgirls, Stuart Saves His Family, Four Rooms, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Money Train, Tommy Boy, Assassins, Panther, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead, Jefferson in Paris, Hackers, Jade, Canadian Bacon, Just Cause, and 47 more; Lower RT: The Big Green, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Theodore Rex, Delta of Venus, Jury Duty, Born to Be Wild, Top Dog, The Walking Dead, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, It Takes Two, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Bushwhacked, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Fair Game, Canadian Bacon, Vampire in Brooklyn, The Scarlet Letter, Four Rooms, and 18 more; Notes: Probably the weakest for a while in both BMeT and Notability. Got a Friday, December 20, 1996, 8PM premiere on Showtime, and played an astonishing 41 times on television in the 90s. We’ve officially seen 13 of the 20 highest BMeTs for 1995 (and I’ve seen an additional 4 myself). That’s nuts.
RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “Magic in the Water” is innocuous fun, but slow, and not distinguished in the special effects department. And about those two one-armed brothers, who both allegedly lost an arm to Orky: I’ll bet they could find those missing arms if they’d look closely inside their shirts.
(Ha! I do like this review, even though I have a deep suspicion now that Magic in the Water is going to be aggressively boring. Like Jaws for children.)
(Brought to you by Oreo. I’m not joking, in the advertisements for the film in the New York Times it tells the audience to eat America’s favorite cookie: Oreo. So for real, it is. This looks like a Captain Planet episode.)
Directors – Rick Stevenson – ( Known For: Expiration Date; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: As far as directing he’s mostly done single or a few episodes of TV shows over the years. This was his debut.)
Writers – Rick Stevenson – ( Known For: Expiration Date; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Otherwise he wrote and directed some series called Best of the Fest which I think is about showing films that are not well known but good?)
Icel Dobell Massey – ( BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Literally nothing about this person outside of being listed as the co-writer on Variety.)
Ninian Dunnett – (Known For: Restless Natives; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: The writer of the book Restless Natives was based on. I’m going to field a guess that this person wrote an unpublished book or story spec or something and sold it off which is why they don’t really have an IMDb page.)
Actors – Mark Harmon – ( Known For: Natural Born Killers; Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas; Summer School; Freaky Friday; Comes a Horseman; The Last Supper; Beyond the Poseidon Adventure; Weather Girl; Let’s Get Harry; I’ll Remember April; Local Boys; Cold Heaven; Tuareg: The Desert Warrior; Till There Was You; The Amati Girls; Future BMT: Wyatt Earp; Chasing Liberty; The Presidio; Stealing Home; Worth Winning; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Y’all know Mark Harmon … right? You all watch a lot of NCIS? Genuinely a huge 80s movie star, and then he kind of slowly spiraled into television stardom it feels like. Nominated for 2 Emmys for Eleanor and Franklin: The White House Years and a gust spot on The West Wing.)
Harley Jane Kozak – ( Known For: When Harry Met Sally…; Arachnophobia; Parenthood; I Spit on Your Grave: Vengeance Is Mine; The House on Sorority Row; More Beautiful for Having Been Broken; Side Out; The Taking of Beverly Hills; The Lovemaster; Future BMT: Necessary Roughness; All I Want for Christmas; The Favor; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Has written at least four mystery novels and won the Agatha Award for Best First Mystery Novel for Dating Dead Men.)
Joshua Jackson – ( Known For: Ocean’s Eleven; Cruel Intentions; Scream 2; Apt Pupil; Bobby; Andre; Muppets from Space; Shadows in the Sun; Lay the Favorite; Sky; Battle in Seattle; One Week; Lone Star State of Mind; Crooked Hearts; I Love Your Work; The Safety of Objects; Inescapable; Aurora Borealis; Americano; Digger; Future BMT: The Mighty Ducks; D2: The Mighty Ducks; Gossip; Shutter; D3: The Mighty Ducks; Cursed; Racing Stripes; BMT: Urban Legend; The Skulls; Magic in the Water; Notes: Was a child actor (in things like The Might Ducks) and then became something of an actual television star (in things like Fringe). His mother was a casting director.)
(Yeaaaaaaaah. Don’t worry, we didn’t screw up. It does actually qualify. Released to a healthy happy 890 theaters. On September 1, 1995 no less, and then it played on television on September 1, 1997.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 21% (5/24): There might be Magic in the Water during this family-friendly adventure, but precious little of it ended up on the screen.
(People seemed really concerned about the message of this film (which I guess in 1995 was construed as some kind of environmental screed). More hilariously apparently the monster is seen once and looks bad. So that’ll be fun.)
NY Times Short Review: Pacific Northwest sea-monster legend. Genial, but don’t call it magic.
(I kind of like the poster. Having already watched the movie, though, I would be afraid they are stepping mighty close to false advertising. Let’s just say, we never even get close to an actual scene of the animatronic monster in the water. B-)
Tagline(s) – In a small town, on a peaceful lake, a mythical creature is about to surface. (D)
(Too long. Why wouldn’t this just be “a mythical creature is about to surface”? Seems like they added a bunch of words for no reason. It wouldn’t have made it much better, but it’s an odd choice.)
Keyword(s) – canada
Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Terminator Salvation (2009)
Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.7 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 69.0 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994)
BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), … (and many more)
Best Options (daddio): 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 49.2 My Girl 2 (1994), 41.5 Speed Zone (1989), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 37.1 Clifford (1994), 36.8 Desperate Hours (1990), 34.0 Father Hood (1993), 30.3 Who’s Harry Crumb? (1989), 24.6 About My Father (2023), 20.7 Mad City (1997), 20.3 Magic in the Water (1995), 20.0 Art School Confidential (2006), 17.8 Brewster’s Millions (1985)
(This was an incredibly Canada film which is why we chose it. Like it has a bunch of Canadian actors and is set in Canada. Also it looks ridiculous.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Joshua Jackson is No. 2 billed in Magic in the Water and No. 8 billed in Urban Legend, which also stars Alicia Witt (No. 1 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 2 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 8) + (1 + 2) + (3 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch Into the Blue we can get the HoE Number down to 16.
Notes – Early in the movie Ashley is wearing an over-sized powderkegblue (UCLA) football jersey #7. Mark Harmon was the starting UCLA Quarterback – he wore #7.
Film locations included a 163 foot stern-wheeler, the SS Moyie, which seemed a bit unreal for a town with only 800 people living in the area. This vessel was used as “Joe’s Orky Emporium”, a top-heavy tourist attraction that exploits the legend of Orky to the hilt.
The creature Orky was in reality a huge cable operated puppet which required twelve operators to bring him to life.
The role of Josh was based in part on the relationship that developed between writer-producer-director Rick Stevenson and young actor Joshua Jackson while Stevenson was producing and Jackson was starring in Stevenson’s first film ‘Crooked Hearts’ (1991). Jackson said about his role: “I’m on this trip to try and have some relationship with my father, but in reality I’m on the verge of not wanting a father anymore. In Josh’s mind, this trip is one last attempt at bonding with his dad. Then there is the aspect of having a little sister who believes in weird stuff. At first I don’t pay any attention to her. She’s dumb and so are her ideas, but out of pure boredom I start paying attention to her and discover she’s not so bad after all. The minute I let my guard down, she gets me into all kinds of trouble trying to save Orky.”
Mark Harmon’s character was called Jack Black which is the same name as the famous actor, comedian and movie star Jack Black.
Serving Sara came out on a balmy August day 21 years ago. Late August doldrums where films went to die, or at least that’s how it used to be. Nowadays hits come whenever the audience demands it. But back then? No, the major releases that week were Undisputed, S1m0ne, and this (and none of them cracked the top 5). Barbenheimer this was not. But you wouldn’t know that from the advertisements. Check out these quotes from the NYTimes:
Not only are these egregiously long, but they are real embarrassing. I hope whoever these critics are got paid a pretty penny for delivering this level of comedy. And even funnier than that? If you look closely at the first and the third they are by the same guy, Earl Dittman from Wireless Magazines. I wonder who that is? Oh ho, he has a wikipedia page… that appears entirely devoted to the fact that he churns out these quotes for national exposure.
Wow.
To recap, Matthew Perry is a former lawyer-turned-kinda-bad-process-server. When the rival at his company screws up a job he’s given one last chance to deliver for an important client. The job: deliver divorce papers to Elizabeth Hurley as filed in the state of Texas. After he easily does this, he inadvertently spills that it’s too bad the papers weren’t filed in New York where she would make more money… this gives Hurley a brilliant idea. They strike a deal for $1 million where Perry will switch sides and serve her husband instead. Perry’s boss is pissed and gets the other process server on the case, but Perry is too smart for that and sends him on a wild goose chase. Meanwhile they head to Texas where the real chase begins. They follow her husband from Dallas to their ranch in Laredo. Eventually they find the husband’s new mistress who proposes a deal that Perry quickly accepts. But what an idiot! It was a trick set up by his rival. Oh no! They have lost… or have they? (what a twist!) Turns out the rival made a similar boneheaded error that he made in the beginning of the movie and Perry still has one hour to track down Hurley’s husband. They chase him into a monster truck rally (naturally) where he is eventually served and all the bad guys are gravely injured. Perry uses his money to open a vineyard and he and Hurley smooch… hard. THE END.
This is a generally unpleasant movie. View from the Top? Pleasant people, happy they were happy. Serving Sara? Just a bunch of people scrounging around for money. Perry’s character in particular is confounding. The backstory makes no sense… he didn’t like defending criminals anymore so he quit being a good lawyer to be a terrible process server? Why not just, you know… become a good lawyer doing good things? Anway, I did think Hurley was surprisingly charming. It made me wonder why she wasn’t a bigger star. Maybe she was too “hot,” or maybe she chose family instead, but she was quite good even though she and Perry had negative chemistry.
Hot Take Clam Bake! My take is Perry’s character is actually in witness protection. He talks about how he used to be a lawyer but got tired of defending the bad people like mobsters. So he quit… quit? You don’t just quit defending the mob, capiche? It explains all the other weird stuff going on. He was good enough to defend high profile bad guys and yet when he gives that up he’s just a second rate, anonymous process server in the biggest city in the world? Def in witness protection after giving up the good on the Chicago mob. That’s the sequel, in fact… when they finally hit it big by winning a prestigious wine award, the mobsters come a-knockin’. Hot Take Temperature: City Heat.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Matthew Perry playing Chandler Bing in a major motion picture … again … because that’s the character he plays in most things he’s in? Also Elizabeth Hurley, my god. Let’s go!
As a young man Elizabeth Hurley was right there in the perfect position for me to have a crush on. Basically it is entirely because of Austin Powers (let’s see, Young Patrick is 11 when that comes out, check) and a little because of Bedazzled (2000, but while I don’t have the data to back it up, suffice it to say this was on ALL THE TIME on television). Her career is funny because as far as leading stuff is concerned … uh, those two and this are just about it. She was made famous for being Hugh Grant’s girlfriend when he became famous. And then she had a kid and semi-retired (a tale as old as time).
Matthew Perry on the other had a very well known (now) drug problem throughout the run of Friends (“fat Chandler” effectively marks when he was off opioids). During the filming of Serving Sara I think he was just out of rehab and struggling, but you can see “fat Chandler” return for a true blue cameo right at the end of the film.
There’s a funny segment by Norm MacDonald where he claims that Perry’s assistant told him that he wanted to do a sketch where Perry is teaching a class on “Matt Speak”. And Norm is like “What’s Matt Speak?” And the assistant is like “you know, how Chandler speaks, with that irreverence, poking fun at people.” And Norm is like “You mean sarcasm?” I only bring this up because this movie is, much like all of Perry’s feature films, an exercise in “Hey hey hey … do Chandler. Do Chandler, but he’s a process server.”
Speaking of which, no occupation has had the weirder Hollywood representations as process server I think. Almost certainly 99.99999% of the time the process server just walks up to people and hands them subpoenas. But in the movies they always have elaborate costumes and stuff.
Jerry Stiller is in this and makes the same prostate joke as he would make in Zoolander.
This movie is a mess. A complete and utter mess. Four thousand things are flying around all the time during it. Cedric the Entertainer is dancing. The competing process server is sent to Miami and Bangor. It is half a road trip film, but really, they are flying places and you don’t really know where they are half the time. You can’t tell why Perry is a process server (despite him allegedly having a whole anecdote as to why he is one), and you barely get any back story about Hurley at all (why is she, a British woman, married to a Texas cattle rancher? Completely unexplained). There are the occasional joke, but for every one of those there is a bad bull ass puppet waiting in the wings.
Definitely a Product Placement (What?) for Verizon which comes in a few times, most notably on the many payphones Perry uses during the film. I think there is a Setting as a Character (Where?) for Texas. A huge Secret Holiday Film (When?) because throughout the film there are decorations for Christmas everywhere, but there is very very little indication or acknowledgment by anyone that it is, in fact, Christmas. One hundred percent a BMT comedy, in that there is just enough to make you ask why anything is happening, but I didn’t actually find the movie boring, I thought it was mostly just perplexing.
“Yes, like I said, I’m the Ghost of BMT Future but like… you guys didn’t kill me. ‘Ghost’ might be the wrong term. I’m… a metaphor or whatever.” Kyle explains for the fourth time. Jamie and Patrick nod their heads, but look at each other incredulously. Kyle sighs. After flying around for a bit they finally landed at a skyscraper in Toronto where BMTHQ was now located. It seems impossible that they would give up the Big Apple for Toronto, but Kyle explained that after the Apologies Tour brought to you by Tim Horton’s ended they relocated to where the Dudikoff’s felt like BMT could do the most good. A scene plays out in front of them. The Dudikoff’s sign some papers and then, with a bit of hesitation, Jamie and Patrick also sign. “You just signed over half your company,” Kyle says, and the twins gasp. It couldn’t be, they’d never make such a boneheaded mistake. Jamie grabs the contract from the desk and looks it over. He lets out a sigh of relief. “This isn’t half the company. It’s a 60-40 split. We still each have 30%. A majority. It’s fine.” Jamie and Patrick literally pat themselves on the back in congratulations of their business savvy, but their future selves don’t notice… cause they’re metaphors or whatever. Suddenly, Kyle bursts into the room. An animated argument plays out and Kyle storms away, distraught. Jamie and Patrick’s faces fall. “Right, I guess we must have written Kyle out of the company… but we had to, right? It’s for the best.” Patrick says unconvincingly. “Is it?” Metaphor Kyle says, pulling some papers out of Drake’s pocket. Patrick reads them over and a look of panic crosses his face, “But no… I love my wife and six kids… I’d never… divorce?!” That’s right! We are going from the super sweet View from the Top to the… not quite as sweet divorce comedy Serving Sara. This was in the early 2000’s superstar run of Matthew Perry and bridges the gap from Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice through a very early Amy Adams role. Let’s go!
Serving Sara (2002) – BMeTric: 48.1; Notability: 36
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 13.2%; Notability: top 19.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 4.2%; Higher BMeT: Crossroads, Halloween: Resurrection, Rollerball, The Master of Disguise, Feardotcom, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Boat Trip, Half Past Dead, Scooby-Doo, The Sweetest Thing, Queen of the Damned, Maid in Manhattan, They, Full Frontal, The Truth About Charlie, Swimfan, Snow Dogs, Vampires: Los Muertos, The Tuxedo, and 13 more; Higher Notability: Men in Black II, Scooby-Doo, The Time Machine, Star Trek: Nemesis, Collateral Damage, Dragonfly, John Q, The Master of Disguise, Unconditional Love, Showtime, I Spy, Queen of the Damned, Eight Crazy Nights, Rollerball, The Country Bears, The Truth About Charlie, Maid in Manhattan, The Tuxedo, The Sweetest Thing, Bad Company, and 29 more; Lower RT: Killing Me Softly, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Hansel & Gretel, Ritual, State Property, The Master of Disguise, Deuces Wild, Feardotcom, Rollerball, Half Past Dead; Notes: Solid BMeTric for a film that is surely completely forgotten. Although I suppose Perry’s odd movie roles are often pretty good bets for BMT. We’ve see 12 of the top 20 BMeTs from 2002 including the top 7, which is pretty solid. Star Trek: Nemesis, we’re coming for you.
Leonard Maltin – 2 stars – Lackluster comedy about a N.Y.C. process server who makes a deal with his “mark” to find her philandering husband and serve him with her divorce papers – in return for half of her take. This takes them on a bumpy road to Texas. It’s a long way from It Happened One Night. Mike Judge appears unbilled as a motel clerk.
(I do love when he shouts out the classics. He’s a student of history after all. Maybe I should get that one and watch it instead … who am I kidding, at the very best I’ll just watch it as well.)
(This trailer is an insane idea with the voiceover by the star. There was a strange time in the 2000s where process serving became a thing in movies and television. Feels like an odd glorification. And of course end with the abomination that is the vet joke.)
Directors – Reginald Hudlin – ( Known For: House Party; Boomerang; Marshall; The Great White Hype; Safety; Future BMT: The Ladies Man; BMT: Serving Sara; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for writing Django Unchained. Apparently while at Harvard he made the first version of what would become House Party.)
Writers – Jay Scherick and David Ronn – ( Known For: Clifford the Big Red Dog; Guess Who; Future BMT: The Smurfs; The Smurfs 2; National Security; BMT: Baywatch; Zookeeper; Norbit; Serving Sara; I Spy; Notes: I’m getting whiffs of Lennon and Garant here. These guys are all over the place and have a ton of credits, presumably because they are a writing team willing to take second or third passes at scripts that don’t quiiiiiiite work.)
Actors – Matthew Perry – ( Known For: 17 Again; The Whole Nine Yards; The Kid; Numb; Getting In; Birds of America; Future BMT: Fools Rush In; She’s Out of Control; Almost Heroes; A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon; Three to Tango; BMT: Serving Sara; The Whole Ten Yards; Notes: Y’all know Perry. He was on Friends? Invented sarcasm? Anyways, this film in particular has a bunch of notes about how he was publicly going through his drug issues at the time and it caused a lot of consternation.)
Elizabeth Hurley – ( Known For: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery; Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me; Bedazzled; Aria; Edtv; The Weight of Water; Then Came You; Permanent Midnight; Father Christmas Is Back; Kill Cruise; Christmas in the Caribbean; Mad Dogs and Englishmen; Rowing with the Wind; Double Whammy; Method; An Elephant’s Journey; Bad Boy; Viktor; Made in Romania; The Long Winter; Future BMT: Passenger 57; My Favorite Martian; Dangerous Ground; BMT: Serving Sara; Notes: Remember when she was famous. I have to assume she just got rich and quite acting because … who wouldn’t? Then she’s come back more recently. She was in the TV show The Royals. You have to see that thing. It is absurd!)
Bruce Campbell – ( Known For: Evil Dead Rise; Spider-Man; Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness; Oz the Great and Powerful; Evil Dead; The Evil Dead; Spider-Man 3; Spider-Man 2; Sky High; Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs; The Quick and the Dead; Army of Darkness; Evil Dead II; Escape from L.A.; The Majestic; Darkman; The Ladykillers; The Hudsucker Proxy; Bubba Ho-Tep; The Escort; Future BMT: Cars 2; McHale’s Navy; BMT: Congo; Serving Sara; Notes: Is it possible that Bruce Campbell is only famous for Evil Dead? I feel like it might be. He tends to have bit roles, but often it is in Raimi films because Campbell is his guy obviously.)
(Disastrous again! We are on a good streak of bombs I feel like. Sometimes things seem like they kind of get close to profitability, but there’s no way with this one.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 4% (5/113): A romantic comedy that’s neither funny nor particularly romantic, Serving Sara is a forgettable time waster.
(My god, that consensus is perfect. It is the epitome of the bad rom com. Like … All About Steve. Neither romantic or funny.)
NY Times Short Review: Mr. Perry’s blustery, charmless performance reaches a nadir when his character, posing as a veterinarian, must give a prostate massage to an impotent bull named Tornado. — Stephen Holden
(No, no, and no. The only thing good in this whole poster is the pop of pink. Otherwise it’s a complete disaster. No wonder you got such terrible reviews. It’s all about the poster, guys. D+.)
Tagline(s) – The One Thing That Could Bring Them Together Is Revenge. (C-)
(I don’t totally understand what they think is clever here. Because revenge never brings people together? Sure… I mean, in a rom com I guess that’s unusual. But it’s pretty standard fare in film. Whatever, it’s long and not clever, but I think they were trying to do something clever.)
Keyword(s) – canada
Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.1 Prom Night (2008), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 69.0 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994)
BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), Alone in the Dark (2005), The Wicker Man (2006), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Little Man (2006), Ouija (2014), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988),… (and many more)
Best Options (Justice League): 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 62.1 Cursed (2005), 50.0 Collateral Damage (2002), 48.1 Surviving Christmas (2004), 47.8 Sleepover (2004), 45.9 RV (2006), 45.1 The Ex (2006), 41.9 Mixed Nuts (1994), 41.5 Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 40.9 The Marksman (2021), 38.8 Play It to the Bone (1999), 37.8 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 37.5 The Glass House (2001), 37.4 The Guilt Trip (2012), 36.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016), 34.2 Suspect Zero (2004), 33.6 Must Love Dogs (2005), 32.9 Indecent Proposal (1993), 32.6 Let’s Go to Prison (2006), 29.9 200 Cigarettes (1999), 29.8 The Night Listener (2006), 29.6 Nights in Rodanthe (2008), 28.2 Dragonfly (2002), 26.5 TMNT (2007), 25.4 We Are Your Friends (2015), 20.8 Batman: The Killing Joke (2016), 20.0 Art School Confidential (2006), 19.5 Terminator Salvation (2009), 18.7 Entourage (2015), 16.8 Smokin’ Aces (2006), 14.8 The Matrix Revolutions (2003), 13.8 Wyatt Earp (1994)
(Yeah, again, Matthew Perry while being Canadian is not in fact born in Canada. This whole section has been a bit of a shambles since we are obviously opting to hit up very Canadian people even if they were born outside of Canada, so it is a little wonky.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Matthew Perry is No. 1 billed in Serving Sara and No. 2 billed in The Whole Ten Yards, which also stars Bruce Willis (No. 1 billed) who is in Armageddon (No. 1 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 3 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 15. If we were to watch The Jackal, Nights in Rodanthe, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 14.
Notes – During filming in 2002, ‘Matthew Perry’ spent some time in rehab due to an addiction to prescription painkillers. Production was slowed, but the filmmakers focused on filming scenes without Perry in them during his absence.
The outfit that Sara Moore wears throughout the second half was actually chosen by Elizabeth Hurley. The director liked it so much he decided that would be her costume.
Matthew Perry shot the scene where Joe is running from Tony who is driving a monster truck with a broken foot. According to director Reggie Hudlin if he had stumbled he would have been run over.
A good number of Joe’s witty sarcastic comments were improvised by Matthew Perry.
The hotel concierge is played by Mike Judge who is a last minute addition to the film. According to Reggie Hudlin the original actor fell ill and was unable to appear in the movie, so he phoned Mike Judge who agreed to play the part.
Bad Movie Twins 