Oh man, so get this. I was in my car when I got a call and the guy was like “hey, don’t get out of your car or else for real.” But I was like don’t believe you, got out, and it exploded in my face. Now I can’t remember a thing (and I have no face, it’s a real Johnny Got His Gun situation up in here). Do you remember what happened in Retribution?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Well, this should be an easy one. What is Liam Neeson’s job in the film?
2) And then a mad bomber attacks! How many people, ultimately, did the bomber kill with his bombs?
3) Early in the film the car Liam Neeson is driving is behind followed by a motorcycle which he thinks is the bomber. Who was actually on the motorcycle though?
4) What is the bomber after in actuality and why does this look super suspicious to the authorities?
5) In the end there is a big twist. How did the actual bombing culprit almost get away with it?
Bonus Question: Right at the end, yet another mysterious phone appears and Liam Neeson gets a call. Who is it?
As they sit at their parents’ large dining room table in the cavernous guest breakfast nook, Jamie and Patrick reminisce about their youth. We see their eyes glaze over and enter a patented Twin Memory.
September 1, 1999.
Jamie and Patrick are looking fly. Hats? Backwards. Jeans? Baggy. Bubblegum? Poppin’. They’re entering 7th grade and it’s time to run the show. Their dad had one word of advice for them on this last week before the end of summer: “Maybe watch something good for once.” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of the forest and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite that being wrong (nature’s movie is Microcosmos, obviously), they ventured forth and now found themselves breathing fresh air and basking in the sunshine filtering through the trees. “This isn’t nature’s movie, that would be Microcosmos, but it’s still pretty nice,” Jamie says, but before Patrick can agree with him (particularly about how Microcosmos is nature’s movie), they find themselves upside-down. Apparently, while they were busy thinking about nature’s movie, Microcosmos, they inadvertently sprung some sort of trap. Out from the forest rains a volley of pinecones and pebbles. Once the attack is over, the rope holding their legs is cut and they crash to the ground, laughter ringing out from the trees around them. Even in their dazed state, Jamie and Patrick know that this could only be the work of one group… the eighth graders. Their big mistake was leaving time for Jamie and Patrick to get retribution and cement their place atop the social pyramid. “Time to get even and rulez the schoolz,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined. With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory in order to recall the perfect revenge. That’s right! We are getting our own retribution against ourselves by forcing us to watch the new Liam Neeson film, Retribution, in theaters. Take that, us! It was unexpectedly difficult to determine whether this film was a wide release or not, but rest assured, it is. Although not for very long. Let’s go!
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 13.2%; Notability: top 7.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 11.2%; Higher BMeT: Knights of the Zodiac, Meg 2: The Trench, The Black Demon, 65, The Ritual Killer, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, White Men Can’t Jump, Hypnotic, House Party, Heart of Stone, Maybe I Do, Your Place or Mine, Ghosted, Beautiful Disaster, Fool’s Paradise, The Tutor, Mafia Mamma, Paint, The Old Way, and 13 more; Higher Notability: Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted, House Party, Heart of Stone, Spinning Gold, Haunted Mansion, The Out-Laws, Meg 2: The Trench, Vacation Friends 2, 65, Your Place or Mine, White Men Can’t Jump, Insidious: The Red Door, About My Father, Love Again, One True Loves, Hypnotic, A Little White Lie, God Is a Bullet; Lower RT: Confidential Informant, Dead Man’s Hand, The Ritual Killer, Assassin Club, On a Wing and a Prayer, The Tutor, Fool’s Paradise, The Out-Laws, Vacation Friends 2, Robots, Fear, Mafia Mamma, Knights of the Zodiac, God Is a Bullet, One True Loves, Love Again, Ambush, Ghosted; Notes: For the BMeT ones we’ve seen two of the top 5, but obviously most of the real bad ones are streaming. The notability is suitably low, but that BMeT is going to rise for sure.
RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – “Retribution” is a dud destined to be erased from our cultural memory once it presumably departs theaters in a couple of weeks. According to the press release, the film promises “an immersive ticking clock thriller that straps audiences in for a high-octane ride of redemption and revenge.” It pretty much fails to deliver on all counts.
(Awesome. I’m so excited to watch this in a presumably empty theater. Sure to be pure and utter trash considering Blacklight and Memory from last year.)
(Looks like garbage. But at least they don’t make Liam Neeson run in this one (presumably). I’m sure it is very tense and not awful at all though, but I guess I’ll just have to see.)
Directors – Nimród Antal – ( Known For: Predators; Vacancy; Metallica Through the Never; Control; Armored; The Whiskey Bandit; BMT: Retribution; Notes: Very much a sci-fi guy I feel like, so this seems … like an odd choice. But I assume it is a pure money / work thing prior to a sci-fi film he’s currently working on.)
Writers – Alberto Marini – ( Known For: The Communion Girl; Fatum; Sleep Tight; Retribution; Extinction; Hard Hit; Your Son; Romasanta; El Lobo; Second Name; BMT: Retribution; Notes: Italian and it looks like he wrote the original film.)
Christopher Salmanpour – (BMT: Retribution; Notes: Basically no credits because it looks like he worked on the FBI series, so he’s not in TMDb yet.)
Actors – Liam Neeson – ( Known For: The Dark Knight Rises; Schindler’s List; Batman Begins; Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace; Taken; Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker; The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe; The Ballad of Buster Scruggs; Love Actually; Non-Stop; Gangs of New York; Excalibur; The Lego Movie; The A-Team; Ted 2; Silence; The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader; The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian; Breakfast on Pluto; Widows; Future BMT: Kingdom of Heaven; The Huntsman: Winter’s War; Marlowe; Men in Black: International; A Million Ways to Die in the West; Entourage; Taken 2; Krull; Taken 3; The Marksman; Daddy’s Home 2; Before and After; High Spirits; The Nut Job; BMT: Retribution; Battleship; Memory; Clash of the Titans; Blacklight; The Haunting; Wrath of the Titans; Notes: Y’all know Liam. The seventh film, but amazingly we’ve watched five of those in the last year. Plenty to go including the one that started them all (for the back half of his career), the Taken sequels. Krull is fun though.)
Noma Dumezweni – ( Known For: The Little Mermaid; Mary Poppins Returns; The Kid Who Would Be King; The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind; Dirty Pretty Things; BMT: Retribution; Notes: I was going to say, I just saw her in Only Murders in the Building season 3. She was actually quite good in a very small (so far) part, so that’s fun.)
Lilly Aspell – ( Known For: Wonder Woman; Wonder Woman 1984; Extinction; BMT: Retribution; Holmes & Watson; Notes: Oh wow, she was Diana age 8 in the film. For a kid actor quite a good performance if I’m remembering right. I like the cast of this film.)
Budget/Gross – $20 million / Domestic: $4,567,118 (Worldwide: $6,754,216)
(Yeah, it’ll maybe hit $20 million, although probably a bit of a stretch. But given the bona fides as a genuine dad film I’m sure it’ll make a mint on streaming.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 26% (18/69): Retribution may prove mildly diverting for hardcore fans of films depicting Liam Neeson as a parent in peril, but in most respects, this thriller is strictly standard stuff.
(Yeah, that sounds right. I mean, the trailer looks like trash pure and simple.)
NY Times Review: When will this genre escape its own tropes of sepia-tinted skies, italicized poster fonts and titles seemingly chosen by plopping a finger onto a page of the Old Testament?
(“This time he’s sitting” would be the tagline I put on this poster. After mercilessly making fun of the movie magic required to make it look like Neeson is running in his last couple BMT films, he really got us good by being like “oh yeah, this time I only sit.” I’m glad this is reflected in the poster. It’s actually better than I thought it would be. A little plain on the color and font side of things, but more interesting than I expected. C+.)
Tagline(s) – None
(F. You gotta have a tagline. If only to differentiate it from the 4 or 5 other Liam Neeson revenge films coming out this year.)
Keyword(s) – Year 2023
Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Barbie (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), The Flash (2023), Pathaan (2023)
Future BMT: 81.3 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 42.9 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 42.4 Hypnotic (2023), 42.1 House Party (2023), 36.3 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 34.0 Mafia Mamma (2023), 28.7 About My Father (2023), 28.5 The Machine (2023), 28.1 Love Again (2023), 23.0 Fear (2023), 20.3 Haunted Mansion (2023), 7.9 Sweetwater (2023), 0.6 The Hill (2023)
BMT: 65 (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Retribution (2023)
Best Options (Liam Neeson): 11.4 Retribution (2023)
(Bah, so Marlowe is actually a 2023 film, but it is listed as 2022 for IMDb so it doesn’t show up. But I thought it would be funny to be like I’m going to go with the year 2023 and it must be a Neeson film … we have two options! Anyways, the future BMT options look rough. Not looking forward to any of those.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Liam Neeson is No. 1 billed in Retribution and No. 1 billed in Memory, which also stars Guy Pearce (No. 2 billed) who is in Justice (No. 3 billed) which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 16. If we were to watch Marlowe we can get the HoE Number down to 12.
Notes – The third remake of Spain’s Retribution (2015) after Germany’s Don’t. Get. Out! (2018) and South Korea’s Hard Hit (2021) but the first to use the original’s English title.
Liam Neeson and Embeth Davidtz had worked thirty years before in Schindler’s List, which came out in 1993.
At times Patrick and I have been fascinated by different aspects of the NY Times TV listings. One such interest was the HMS primetime block. HBO, MAX (Cinemax) and SHO (Showtime) would almost always show a film starting at 8pm. So you could get a surefire movie marathon by just looking at a random day. But September 1st, 1995 isn’t random (it’s when Clifford and Ski School played on TV together, obviously) and it almost hits a BMT Triple with Police Academy: Mission to Moscow on Cinemax, Getting Even with Dad on Showtime, and Black Rain on HBO. Black Rain is just a little too mediocre for our tastes. But that’s a tasty triple feature. It could have even hit a coveted Grand Slam as the Emilio Estevez stinker Wisdom was playing on basic cable at 8pm (in the NYC area). Oh how I’ve begged that we watch Wisdom for BMT. The film is the worst.
To recap, Martin is a successful architect ready to settle down with his GF Sarah. Unfortunately, he’s been too shortsighted to realize that Sarah wants kids and it’s a dealbreaker. In order to convince her of his seriousness about kids he takes his brother up on an offer to take care of his nephew, Clifford. Turns out Clifford is a sociopathic monster dead set on ruining the lives of anyone who stands in the way between him and his beloved Dinosaur World. It should all go swimmingly, especially since Martin also happens to have designed the premier ride at Dino World. But, uh oh! Martin’s boss has his eyes set on both Sarah and making Martin’s life hell. Bogged down with a boatload of work Martin has to break it to Clifford that they won’t make it to DW. Clifford? Unamused. Hijinks? Ensuing. First Clifford tries to run away. Then he ruins a big anniversary dinner for Sarah’s parents. He gets Martin arrested, tricks him into taking a train to SF, throws a big party in Martin’s house, and then convinces Sarah that Martin has been mistreating him. This all culminates in Clifford sabotaging Martin’s big presentation at work, which gets him fired. Driven insane, Martin takes Clifford to Dino World after hours and tortures him by forcing him to go on his favorite ride at increasingly dangerous speed. When the ride breaks, Martin realizes how wrong he’s been and saves Clifford. We are then told that ultimately, after much pleading, Martin forgave Clifford and let him be part of Sarah and his wedding. THE END.
We’ve been watching a lot of films from our youth recently (The Great Outdoors better watch out). I’m always curious to find out whether something I have fond memories of has curdled with time. I’d actually say that Clifford came out largely unscathed in the sense that as a kid I enjoyed Martin Short’s antics as a grown man pretending to be a little boy. As an adult I still think it’s an amusing visual gag. If you’re not in on that joke, though, then he’s super annoying, in your face 100% of the time, and it’s just the same joke over and over. But really the standout for me was something I didn’t appreciate at all as a kid: the final scene at Dino World. It’s amazing! They built a giant Dino roller coaster set and made some beautiful matte backdrops for the climax of the film and you have to give them credit for that. I guess I shouldn’t oversell the movie, which is admittedly mostly devoid of laughs, but given how brutal the reviews were I’d say that it’s better than a totally unfunny annoyance.
As for Ski School, buckle up… I loved this movie. It’s the kind of T&A comedy I’m here for. They are in on the joke. They try to be serious at times and then turn to the camera and say ‘nah’ and go right back to partying. How do they get in trouble? Partying. How do they cope with their fall from grace? Partying. How do they win the day? Partying. It’s just a beautiful piece of fluff. I could do without the intense gay panic scene, but… it was a different time. Overall, this is what the Bring a Friend category was made for. L-O-V-E-D I-T.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I didn’t mention much about the bookends of the film. It’s Clifford in 2050 telling the tale of his youth in order to convince a trouble maker to reform his ways and learn to apologize. My take? This is all bullshit. None of the film actually happened. The old priest or monk or whatever we see is indeed Clifford, but the story never happened. He was a good boy who grew up to be a good man who has one bad characteristic: he lies to little boys about his own life to convince them to be good. In fact, I bet Clifford 2 would open with the end of this film and then he’d turn around, find another kid, and make up some other bullshit. Hot Take Temperature: Hot Fiery Breath of Larry the Scary Rex.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Martin Short playing a 10-year-old and doing … no wait, I think that is the one joke in the entire film. Let’s go!
The reviews for this film are vicious. Ebert’s entire review is basically that he was in a theater full of critics and not one (other) person laughed. He apparently laughed once and then he thinks someone else laughed at him laughing once.
I don’t think it is quite so bad. The deconstruction of Grodin throughout the film as it slowly dawns on him that he’s dealing with a genuine 10-year-old sociopath sometimes enters the sublime, in particular the moment that he demands that Clifford look at him like “a real human boy” and is flabbergasted when he is unable to do it.
And the little moments where Clifford’s eyes go completely blank shows off what Short would eventually perfect as he went through Glick and other characters over the years.
The main issue (besides the film not actually being funny very often) is that they pick up and drop storylines so often that it is obvious that they edited this thing to pieces as Orion went under. You never see Clifford’s family again. They very rarely touch on Clifford being a genius (even though it is obvious that that is necessary for the story to make sense). There is no explanation of how Grodin got out of his bomb threat, or what happened to his job, or the amusement park. There is just an odd bookend which ultimately gives everyone a happy ending. You never see Grodin’s father-in-law again, even during the wedding scene, despite them making a big deal about him hating Grodin. And most egregiously, they never once mention the house Grodin bought in the beginning of the film … I suppose we are to believe he ultimately sold it?
If I were to attempt to “fix” a bit of the film, I would get rid of the bookends and instead open with something that shows how similar Grodin and Clifford are, something about them both working on something, but Grodin’s is the model he’s building, and Clifford’s is a giant model of Dinosaur World. At the end, after Grodin saves Clifford, I would then show him forgiving Clifford, and ultimately selling the house and marrying his girlfriend. I would end with a grown up Clifford voiceover saying he didn’t see his uncle much after that because they soon had a kid … and that he was even worse than him. Ultimately setting up the possibility of a sequel where Short plays Grodin’s now 10-year-old child who is (effectively) Clifford as well.
The movie as it stands is basically a bad-to-mediocre SNL movie. It is a sketch which you can imagine sustaining 2 minutes of a “comedic bad seed” premise as Clifford makes awkward comments and frustrates his father / uncle / guardian for a short time at a dinner / amusement park / museum. And then overstaying his welcome in the 5 or 6 sketches as they run out of ideas for places for Clifford to go. They then make a 90 minute movie which boils down to a single joke: Martin Short is a 10-year-old. That’s it, there isn’t much else to it, and the “sketch” is often not funny beyond this single simple premise.
Lucky for us we got to watch a genuinely amusing Friend this week in Ski School. Sure, there are problematic aspects to any film of the T&A Porky’s era. Some serious gay panic and non-serious female characters. But overall the film was fun and Dean Cameron was pretty incredible. One of the more amusing segments was the characters teaching everyone the Lambada (the Forbidden Dance!) which indeed, was a big deal in the late 80s when this was made, and a year later there would be not one, but two Lambada films (called Lambada and The Forbidden Dance, naturally). Would recommend to pair with the It’s Always Sunny episode (also starring Dean Cameron) where they go skiing, one of the best episodes of the series. A+, I would watch friends like these all day.
I kind of like the idea that there is Product Placement (What?) for Amtrak which allows Grodin to get to San Francisco toot sweet. Definitely Setting as a Character (Where?) for L.A. which gets a lot of play in the house he buys and also as a stopover on the way from Chicago to Hawaii. And I like the borderline MacGuffin (Why?) for Dinosaur World, which is Clifford’s motivation throughout the film. Closest to Bad unfortunately, it just doesn’t have enough jokes to really sustain itself.
Read about the Clifford sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this. I was taking care of my 10-year-old nephew (who looks 40, long story), and it turns out he’s a psycho (clinically). He smashed my head in with a brick when I told him I had to postpone a trip we had planned. Now I can’t remember a thing (including our plans, he’s furious!). Do you remember what happened in Clifford?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) In the beginning of the film Clifford is an old old man in 2050 and trying to help a wayward youth (like he once was) to realize that being intelligent doesn’t mean you can manipulate people and get your way, that forgiveness is the way to earn the respect and love of those around you. Anyways, what crime did the little boy commit that he’s trying to help out?
2) Flashback to a story about Clifford as a 10-year-old. He’s on a plane with his awful parents just as it passes Dinosaur World (hooray!). Naturally Clifford causes an in-flight emergency that necessitates an emergency landing. Where was the plane headed though initially?
3) Well, lucky for Clifford’s parents his uncle is in town and (coincidentally) looking for a young boy to take care of to prove to his girlfriend that he is a family man. What is Martin’s job? What is his girlfriend’s job?
4) Clifford does four things to embarrass Martin at his future-father-in-law’s house in increasing aggravation. Name all four.
5) Naturally, once Clifford blows up Martin’s model, Martin goes insane and attempts to murder Clifford at Dinosaur World. What does Clifford do to ultimately earn the forgiveness of Martin?
Bonus: Question: At the end of the film old man Clifford walks away from the home for wayward youths a happy man … but oh ho, he gets a call. From whom?
Jamie and Patrick are dropped back at the Apologies Tour brought to you by Tim Horton’s. Metaphorical Kyle says some final words but Jamie and Patrick aren’t listening. It’s time to pound some dweebs, not time to listen to some ghost. They look around at the concert and are shocked to see most of the audience are either asleep in their seats or teetering on the edge of exhaustion. “How long have we been gone?” they mumble and Metaphorical Kyle indicates that it’s been about two days since they left. They look back at the stage and marvel at Pitbull still going strong. “No wonder they call him Mr. Worldwide,” Jamie says and they all laugh and laugh. Once they finish laughing they get back to the task at hand. As they head backstage they are startled to find that the Dudikoff’s are already there, arms full of merchandise and cash from the boffo box office. Matt McGoo must have warned them in the time they were gone. Fucking Matt McGoo. The Dudikoff’s drop their ill-gotten gains and stick their hands in the air. “You got us, Bad Movie Twins. Do your worst,” Drake says with a quavering voice. “You wanted to be our fathers,” Jamie and Parick say, “But you’ll never be.” With that they lunge towards the Dudikoff’s and embrace them in a hug. “But you’ve helped us realize that we need to get past the Bakulas and Dudikoffs of the world. So, thank you.”
A week later they stand nervously at the door of a fancy ski chalet. They ring the bell and shuffle their feet as they hear the noise echo out through the cavernous interior. The door opens and there stands a butler. “Clifford,” Jamie and Patrick acknowledge. “Sirs,” Clifford says and shows them in. That’s right! We are going back to another classic in Clifford starring Martin Short as a 10-year-old menace. It was a film I had a real fondness for as a kid, but only later realized that people kind of hated it. We pair that with Ski School, a true blue T&A comedy (and not the Summer Job kind of dreck), so I’m pretty excited about it. Let’s go!
Clifford (1994) – BMeTric: 37.2; Notability: 50
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 16.0%; Notability: top 8.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 14.5%; Higher BMeT: Street Fighter, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, Junior, The Next Karate Kid, Double Dragon, It’s Pat: The Movie, On Deadly Ground, The Flintstones, North, The Fantastic Four, Leprechaun 2, 3 Ninjas Kick Back, Exit to Eden, In the Army Now, Color of Night, Richie Rich, Car 54, Where Are You?, Getting Even with Dad, Beverly Hills Cop III, Blank Check, and 20 more; Higher Notability: The Flintstones, Wyatt Earp, The Shadow, Beverly Hills Cop III, Love Affair, Ready to Wear, North, I Love Trouble, Radioland Murders, The Pagemaster, Little Giants, Exit to Eden, Street Fighter, Drop Zone, D2: The Mighty Ducks, On Deadly Ground, Speechless, Junior, The Scout, The Puppet Masters; Lower RT: Death Wish: The Face of Death, Wagons East, Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, It’s Pat: The Movie, House Party 3, The Silence of the Hams, Holy Matrimony, Erotique, Car 54, Where Are You?, Getting Even with Dad, A Low Down Dirty Shame, Major League II, Exit to Eden, Lightning Jack, Leprechaun 2, In the Army Now, The Next Karate Kid, Trial by Jury, Blank Check, Intersection, and 14 more; Notes: I’m going to use this space to point out the NYT Review for Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (played 52 times, “Help yourself”) and Silence of the Hams (played 11 times, “Help yourself”). That’s right, both have the key phrase “Help yourself.” Stay tuned. There might be a cycle here. A 50 notability for Clifford is amazing, but also makes sense, it seemed to be a major comedy of 1990 … and yeah, it was shelved for a while.
RogerEbert.com – 0.5 stars – To return to the underlying causes for the movie’s failure: What we have here is a suitable case for deep cinematic analysis. I’d love to hear a symposium of veteran producers, marketing guys and exhibitors discuss this film. It’s not bad in any usual way. It’s bad in a new way all its own. There is something extraterrestrial about it, as if it’s based on the sense of humor of an alien race with a completely different relationship to the physical universe. The movie is so odd, it’s almost worth seeing just because we’ll never see anything like it again. I hope.
(I think that is a thumbs down. This review is pretty funny, arguably funnier than the movie. He’s 100% right, the film is mostly aggravating, not traditionally funny, which makes me wonder if it was merely 15 years early.)
(It is a little stunning how much of a no-laugh trash comedy this apparently is all things considered. Like, the bit where Grodin is like “look at me like a human boy” is genuinely funny. I always want to think something like this was ahead of its time, but I think me as a 10 year old watching it on Comedy Central just probably accepted “an adult man playing a child in a movie” was 100% all that was needed to create a successful comedy film. Objectively funny concept = definitely funny film, right? In reality I’m sure it runs like a 90 minute SNL skit (which it basically is. Although SCTV instead of SNL).)
Directors – Paul Flaherty – ( Future BMT: Who’s Harry Crumb?; 18 Again!; BMT: Clifford; Notes: Nominated for 14 Emmys, won three times (for SCTV twice, and Muppets Tonight). Obviously worked closely with Short including on Primetime Glick.)
Writers – William Porter – ( Known For: Avenging Angelo; Krystal; The Space Between; Black Cadillac; Stealing Cars; Notes: TMDb only knows him as Will Aldis, but he seemed to have written under a number of pen names over the years. He is credited on Back to School and Stealing Home on IMDb for example. I think Porter is his real name.)
Steven Kampmann – ( Known For: Back to School; Future BMT: Stealing Home; The Couch Trip; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for WKRP in Cincinnati. Was credited for this as Bobby von Hayes. Worked on SCTV and closely with Rodney Dangerfield.)
Actors – Martin Short – ( Known For: Mars Attacks!; Three Amigos!; Father of the Bride; Innerspace; Treasure Planet; The Prince of Egypt; Inherent Vice; Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted; The Addams Family; The Spiderwick Chronicles; Frankenweenie; Get Over It; Father of the Bride Part II; Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius; The Willoughbys; Mack & Rita; The Big Picture; Mumford; Jiminy Glick in Lalawood; Cross My Heart; Future BMT: Captain Ron; We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story; Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil; The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause; A Simple Wish; Three Fugitives; Pure Luck; The Pebble and the Penguin; BMT: Jungle 2 Jungle; Clifford; Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return; Notes: He’s had several levels to his career. SCTV, then as a pretty big movie star, then things like Jiminy Glick, and now Only Murders in the Building. He also went on tour with Steve Martin. He’s been nominated for 16 Emmys, and won for writing SCTV and for a special tribute to Mel Brooks.)
Charles Grodin – ( Known For: Rosemary’s Baby; King Kong; Midnight Run; So I Married an Axe Murderer; Heaven Can Wait; 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea; Catch-22; While We’re Young; Heart and Souls; Dave; The Heartbreak Kid; The Great Muppet Caper; Seems Like Old Times; The Humbling; An Imperfect Murder; Sunburn; Last Resort; The Lonely Guy; It Runs in the Family; It’s My Turn; Future BMT: Beethoven; The Woman in Red; Beethoven’s 2nd; The Comedian; Taking Care of Business; The Ex; The Incredible Shrinking Woman; The Couch Trip; BMT: Clifford; Ishtar; Notes: One of those comedy legends who became famous for a younger generation as the guy in Beethoven. Won an Emmy for The Paul Simon Special in 1978. Died in 2021 of cancer.)
Mary Steenburgen – ( Known For: The Help; What’s Eating Gilbert Grape; Book Club: The Next Chapter; Nightmare Alley; Step Brothers; The Proposal; Philadelphia; Book Club; Parenthood; Back to the Future Part III; Elf; Powder; A Walk in the Woods; Inland Empire; The One I Love; Happiest Season; Last Vegas; Life as a House; The Discovery; Nixon; Future BMT: I Am Sam; Four Christmases; The Butcher’s Wife; Nobel Son; Romantic Comedy; BMT: Did You Hear About the Morgans?; Clifford; Notes: Won an OScar for Melvin and Howard, also nominated for an Emmy for The Attic. Is famously married to Ted Danson, as seen on Curb Your Enthusiasm where she is, in fact, happily divorced from Ted Danson (last I checked).)
(That is quite low. For the 90s I would imagine you’d be looking for like 30 or 40 for a successful comedy. And given the stellar cast that has to be a loss.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 13% (4/31): Ill-conceived and desperately unfunny, Clifford stars Martin Short as a 10-year-old boy. You read that correctly. That’s the joke.
(I mean … pretty funny joke. For an SCTV sketch. Which is probably how it all started anyways.)
NYT Short Review: Man as boy in devil’s clothing. Less lethal version of the bad seed. More stunt than movie, and stolen by Grodin.
(Oh. My. God. A+++++++++++++. This is as close to BMT perfection as we’ve gotten since The Avengers 1998. Everything about this is grotesque.)
Tagline(s) – A comedy with a lot of laughs. And a ten-year-old terror. (F)
Uncle Martin is suffering from a little problem… (D)
(These are both horrible. The second is at least playing a little with the word “little”… but that’s about it.)
Keyword(s) – canada
Top 10: Suicide Squad (2016), The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009)
Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.7 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 74.0 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.2 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 69.0 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.9 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996)
BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Animal (2001), Halloween II (2009),… (and many more)
Best Options (daddio): 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 49.2 My Girl 2 (1994), 41.5 Speed Zone (1989), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 37.1 Clifford (1994), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 34.1 Father Hood (1993), 30.3 Who’s Harry Crumb? (1989), 20.7 Mad City (1997), 20.1 Art School Confidential (2006), 19.1 Folks! (1992), 17.8 Brewster’s Millions (1985)
(As you can see we had a few options, but the fact that I’ve seen 20% of Clifford on television 100 times means that I really needed to actually watch it straight through once. By which I mean in four pieces on Tubi while waiting for programs to run.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Martin Short is No. 1 billed in Clifford and No. 2 billed in Jungle 2 Jungle, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 9 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (9 + 1) = 13. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Notes – Martin Short’s co-stars are usually standing on boxes and next to slightly oversize props.
The writers of the film, Steven Kampmann and William Porter, were so embarrassed by the final cut that they used pseudonyms as onscreen credit, as well as the film’s marketing and publicity.
Martin Short, who plays 10 year-old Clifford, was 37 years old during initial filming in 1990 and age 40 during the priest bookend sequences filmed in 1993.
Although planned for a 1991 release, this was one of several films released by Orion Pictures in 1994, just before their bankruptcy.
The movie was re-edited and re-shot before its 1994 theatrical release, including bookend scenes with Martin Short as an elderly Clifford, now a reformed priest, who tries to prevent a boarding school student, played by Ben Savage, from running away and telling a story to him about his mischievous childhood. These scenes were shot around 1993, three years after the original shoot was completed.
It’s January 30th, 1991. You glance at the front page of the New York Times, but you aren’t here to marvel at the good and bad of the world. You are here on a mission. You want to laugh… hard. You flip to the TV listings. What luck! Right there on Fox primetime is Once Bitten starring Jim Carrey. In Living Color’s so hot right now. But you got a belly full of laughs that you gotta let out. You don’t just need one comedy, you need an all-nighter of comedy. Obvs you’ll catch Summer Job come 3 a.m., but the comedy pickings are slim when the night owls are out hunting for steamy thrills. Don’t worry, though, Lady Luck is with you tonight because at 1 a.m. you got Hot Pursuit starring John Cusack. Phew. And that, my friends, is how you build a big beautiful BMT Triple Feature.
To recap, Mark is your typical high school student just jonesing to lose his virginity. One problem, his girlfriend, Robin, wants it to be special. Oh no! (the opinions expressed in this film/recap do not reflect those of BMT). His friends are like “don’t sweat it, bro. Let’s go to Hollywood and pick up some chicks.” This predictably goes horribly until Mark is unexpectedly picked up by The Countess. She’s an older lady that the viewers know is actually a vampire. Turns out she needs to drink three times from the blood of a virgin in order to retain her immortality and control of her bevy of vampire underlings. Unfortunately, she’s having a terrible time in 90’s LA finding a virgin… you know… because of all the sex having, etc. That night she gets her first drink from Mark. Two more to go. The Countess is surprised, though, that Mark seems intent on making things right with Robin. As time goes on Mark starts to act more and more bizarre. Once The Countess gets her second bite, even Robin notices something is off. A bunch of gay panic ensues, but ultimately she figures out that he’s being turned into a vamp (as the kids say). There is a confrontation with The Countess at a spooktacular dance (best scene in cinematic history) which forces The Countess to kidnap Robin and lure Mark and his pals to her lair for a final showdown. As Mark and Robin attempt to flee it looks like they are going to be trapped by the vampires until Robin and Mark hop in a coffin and make sweet, sweet love to each other. This breaks the spell and The Countess fails. THE END.
I didn’t like this film much, although my recollection from catching it in pieces on TV as a kid was that it was weird and boring like some 80’s comedies are. I wouldn’t necessarily say that my beautiful adult mind now perceives it that way, but it does have a bit of a high concept problem. You have to buy in on the premise of the humor to really buy in on the film as a whole. So is the gender-swapped concept of a female vampire bedding the “last virgin in school” funny to you? Then you might get some goofy laughs out of the antics of his silly friends and a transcendent dance scene (truly wonderful stuff). To me it felt a little overwritten. Oh, and the gay panic in the film was so extreme that it’s hard to laugh past. On a brighter side I did think a couple vampire ideas in the film were presented in a compelling way, particularly the idea that the female vampire used her male familiar to apply makeup. And I thought the actress who portrayed Robin (Karen Kopins) was very cute and quite talented. She’s not the best actress, but it was so early (Carrey was also a bit rough). Acting can be learned and she seemed to have all the natural talent and charisma that could have made for a bigger career.
As for our Friend this week, Summer Job… uh… well, it existed. It certainly was put on film and released in some format. It is total garbage and actually makes me wonder how it is that someone makes something like that and thinks it’s normal or funny or anything at all. Nothing makes sense. It has no plot. All the characters pair off even though they are mostly gross and off-putting. It makes me question the entire Bring-A-Friend premise, except that this film played numerous times on TV in the 90’s! It was worth watching, but not worth the watch, if you know what I mean.
Hot Take Clam Bake! The Countess was actually dead the whole time. JK. I don’t buy for one second that she’s having trouble finding a virgin in LA just because it’s the 80’s. Mark’s two friends also appear to be virgins (one of them for sure). She could also rustle up a few down at the local church I’m sure. It’s all bunk. She just doesn’t want to admit a few things: 1) the virgin she finds would become part of their group and she doesn’t want any lame-o’s. 2) She’s so enthralling that the instant she “beds” an actually cool virgin he would become so empowered that he would bed another lady before she had a chance to drink his blood three times. 3) Even if that weren’t the case, the cool virgin would probably have a cool GF that she’d have to compete with. It’s a problem of her own making and really she should have taken one look at Robin and been like “Nevermind. Onto the next one.” She was Miss Connecticut! Hot Take Temperature: Rocking jazz dance number.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about early Jim Carrey in a T&A comedy about being the last virgin in LA and being hunted by sexy vampires? Let’s go!
That about sums it up actually. While I agree the movie is a bit weird because of how flat Jim Carrey is, you can already tell he’s going to be a star because they seemingly pulled him off the street and he acts circles around all of the young actors in the film. His friends are dire. Not surprisingly neither did much else in their careers.
The love interest was interesting. She was very cute. Miss Connecticut in 1977. Her story is interesting in that she did a number of somewhat odd smaller films (like Jake Speed), and then married her high school sweetheart, had four kids, and still lives in Connecticut.
If this film has any enduring BMT legacy it is the dance scene. It is pretty incredible. Perhaps a life long project of mine will be to collect some of these MonoSklogs and Dance Sklogs on a private server so I can just watch them and appreciate them. They belong in a museum!
Which then prompted me to ask “I wonder if I can see what Karen Kopin’s talent was in Miss America and whether it was dancing.” It was. Jazz dance. But here’s the thing … like all of the competitors’ talents are dance. An inordinate number. If you look at 1975-1984 Miss Connecticut talent was Dance, Vocal, Dance, Vocal, Dance, Piano (+ Vocal), Vocal, Vocal, Vocal, Clarinet. That is basically the same for Miss America, although the preliminary talent winners often seemed to do something different like gymnastics, trampoline, jump rope, or even chemistry. The actual winners tend to sing in the end.
Oh this film has one of the most extreme examples of gay panic in the history of film. For some reason, despite the girlfriend already observing that Carrey has no reflection (super odd), she decides his friends should check for a bite mark near his dick in the showers. Naturally this involves wrestling him and trying very intently to look at his dick. Which naturally makes everyone think they are not only gay but, presumably, violent rapists. Anyways, they lament their soon-to-be ostracization from society for being gay, although instead they end up bedding some vampires and maybe also becoming vampires (results unclear).
The point I suppose is that this film is old fashioned, but because of Jim Carrey and because of the dance scene, if you can look past the occasionally extended scene where people drop f-bombs (and not the good kind) then there is enjoyment to be had.
Oh boy, for this film we ended up picking a small film as a Friend that (1) played on the same date as Once Bitten did on primetime network television (January 30, 1991), and (2) played a lot. Which led us to choose the unfortunate film Summer Job (1989), which yeah, played 39 times in the early 90s. Here’s the thing: this isn’t a movie. We could make this movie. It appears to have used regional actors from Miami, filmed in a few days at a country club in the off season, and hired precisely one reasonably famous person, a Playboy Playmate who has the odd notoriety of having directed a film starring herself and Patrick Dempsey. I’m glad we did this film though. Because we needed to at some point explore this bad movie space. But I don’t think we’ll revisit things like this if we can avoid it. The film is mostly unpleasant, and the acting is horrible. The only fun bit was the band at the end called Outkast which if I didn’t know better I would think the movie was just an extended music video for. F if you watch the whole thing, A+ if you only watch the Outkast music video at the end.
Twin film alert (Who?) for the two characters credited simply as Twin Vampires. I think a decent Product Placement (What?) for Crunch Bar. Setting as a Character (Where?) for LA as well. A very very nice Secret Holiday Film (When?) for Halloween. I think a genuine MacGuffin (Why?) for the virgin which the vampire needs to bite three times to remain young. And you know what? I like the twist that they get out of the jam by having sex. Thems a lot of superlatives. I think this is BMT for the dance scene alone, if you can tolerate or ignore the many many homophobic slurs that are tossed around.
Read about the long time coming sequel to Once Bitten (obviously called Twice Bitten) in the quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this? I’m a sad, L.A. virgin just looking to do what all the other boys are doing (their girlfriends I imagine … I wouldn’t know). But what ho?! A lovely much older lady takes an interest in me, and now I’m sapping on bubbly at her swanky L.A. mans? One problem … I kind of then forget everything and now I’m dressing all in black and only awake at night. I think I’m a vampire, but I don’t remember. Do you remember what happened in Once Bitten?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) What car are Jim Carrey and his girlfriend Karen Kopin in in the beginning when everyone else is having sex?
2) What happens that causes Jim Carrey to leave the phone-a-date bar in a rush?
3) Carrey’s friends have a disastrous time at the bar, but they have a new idea for where to pick up ladies. Where and how does it go?
4) What are all four of their costumes at the big Halloween bash?
5) In the end Jim Carrey is brought to the swanky L.A. mansion of the vampire where they are attempting to do what? In the end how does he evade his fate?
Bonus Question: Years later Carrey and Kopin are happily married with a child of their own, young Russel. On Russel’s 18th birthday they get a visitor of the night however. Who is it?
Jamie and Patrick are 12-years-old on a field trip to the Aquarium of Dangerous Animals. “Someday I’m going to be a pretty good diver, but then transition my skillz into being the top action star of my day,” Jamie explains as they look into a tank containing the Bolivian Rhino Piranha. Patrick thinks this is pretty ambitious (top ten seems more like it) but lets Jamie have his little dream. He daren’t speak of his own secret dream: the one where he dons his cable knit sweater and writes genre-busting novels. Jamie would probably laugh. “Drink break,” the teacher calls and hands out bottled water to Jamie, Patrick and the rest of their classmates. “Drink up, because it’s time for the big show,” the teacher says excitedly. A murmur arises from the kids. It’s time for the Velocishark, a recently rediscovered shark that was previously thought to be the bold artistic vision of caveman imaginations. But those cave paintings were now known to be all too real. As they approach the Velocishark’s tank the kids crowd the edge and one child drops his water bottle into the water below. He leans precariously over the edge. “Yo, you know you can just drink water out of the tap,” Patrick says scornfully. Just then the kid momentarily loses balance and with flailing arms knocks the water bottles from Jamie and Patrick’s hands for a double splash directly on their crotches. No doubt about it, it looks like they peed their pants and everyone knows it.
Jamie and Patrick shake their heads. Horrible. They then let Metaphorical Kyle know they are ready to go. “Once bitten, twice shy, no more Mr. Nice Guy,” Jamie and Patrick say, coining in that moment what scientists contend is the perfect catchphrase. Time to pound some dweebs. That’s right! We are watching the early Jim Carrey vehicle Once Bitten. The movie played a number of times on Comedy Central back in the day, but I don’t recall ever sitting all the way through it. Mostly because I didn’t think it was funny. Or maybe I was super sc-sc-sc-scared. We are pairing that with the little known T&A comedy Summer Job, which aired on TV the same day as the primetime premier of Once Bitten (January 30, 1991). Despite how small the film is, it somehow ended up airing 39 times on TV in the 90’s (credit to Patrick who does all the legwork on our recent TV listing obsession). Let’s go!
Once Bitten (1985) – BMeTric: 41.3; Notability: 36
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 4.8%; Notability: top 9.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 3.6%; Higher BMeT: Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, Howling II: … Your Sister Is a Werewolf, Red Sonja, Porky’s Revenge, King Solomon’s Mines, Transylvania 6-5000, Gymkata, Perfect, Creature, American Ninja, Private Resort, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Higher Notability: A View to a Kill, Spies Like Us, King David, National Lampoon’s European Vacation, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, Perfect, Head Office, Brewster’s Millions, My Science Project, Santa Claus: The Movie, Turk 182, Invasion U.S.A., Rocky IV, The Slugger’s Wife, Death Wish 3, Warning Sign, Heaven Help Us, Maxie, Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Creator, and 4 more; Lower RT: American Ninja, That Was Then… This Is Now, The Slugger’s Wife, Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer, Head Office, Maxie, King Solomon’s Mines, King David; Notes: This was on an amazing 45 times, including its prime time network premiere on January 30, 1991 (the same day at Summer Job, our friend). Full page ad in the New York Times on page C7 on November 15, 1985 (quarter for week 2 and 3, then a small 16th in week 4, then done). Nothing super funny on it, besides maybe it suggesting you buy the soundtrack. The song “Once Bitten” was written by 3-Speed which unfortunately doesn’t have a wiki page. “3 Speed enjoyed considerable success after the release of the Once Bitten soundtrack; at one point they were even opening for Pat Benatar.” They were from Boston and never wrote an album, instead recording songs for the Rad and Savage Streets soundtracks.
Leonard Maltin – BOMB – Inept comedy about Vampires (Hutton) who intrudes on amorous pursuits of some teenagers because she needs the blood of a virgin to maintain her youthful glow. Pretty anemic; Carrey is very restrained.
(Fits with what I heard which is Carrey is bizarrely not … Carrey in this. And love the play on words with “anemic” and, of course, the semicolon. I’ve missed Leonard’s cheeky semicolons since I’ve switched to Ebert for the most part.)
(Wait … that was the actual trailer? Seems like it. So, I guess that is what happens when you don’t have any money to make actual television / preview spots? Is that what Canadian trailers used to be? More seriously I wonder if that was a radio spot and the graphics were added more recently.)
Directors – Howard Storm – ( BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Was part of a comedy duo called Gale and Storm with his roommate Lou Alexander.)
Writers – Dimitri Villard – ( BMT: Once Bitten; In Love and War; Notes: Actually quite an accomplished producer in the 80s, founder of New Star Entertainment.)
David Hines and Jeffrey Hause – ( BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Wrote an episode of the cartoon Tales from the Cryptkeeper which I had never heard of.)
Jonathan Roberts – ( Known For: The Lion King; The Lion King; The Hunchback of Notre Dame; James and the Giant Peach; The Sure Thing; Khumba; Future BMT: Jack Frost; BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Obviously most famous for writing five episodes of 90210. The Sure Thing stars Daphne Zuniga which I just watched in Vision Quest weirdly, and we just saw in The Fly II. Maybe I should try and complete her filmography.)
Actors – Lauren Hutton – ( Known For: American Gigolo; The Joneses; Gator; Little Fauss and Big Halsy; The Gambler; Zorro: The Gay Blade; A Wedding; Lassiter; Welcome to L.A.; The Chant of Jimmie Blacksmith; Paternity; Viva Knievel!; Paper Lion; Forbidden Sun; Just a Little Harmless Sex; Pieces of Dreams; Millions; Tout feu tout flamme; Loser Love; Missing Pieces; Future BMT: 54; I Feel Pretty; My Father the Hero; Malone; BMT: Once Bitten; Perfect; Notes: Had a talk show in 1995, and was a Playboy Bunny way back. Last worked in 2018.)
Jim Carrey – ( Known For: The Truman Show; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; Liar Liar; Ace Ventura: Pet Detective; The Mask; Sonic the Hedgehog 2; Dumb and Dumber; Sonic the Hedgehog; Bruce Almighty; Dark Crimes; Yes Man; Me, Myself & Irene; The Bad Batch; A Series of Unfortunate Events; How the Grinch Stole Christmas; The Cable Guy; Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues; Earth Girls Are Easy; Horton Hears a Who!; Man on the Moon; Future BMT: Kick-Ass 2; Dumb and Dumber To; Fun with Dick and Jane; The Incredible Burt Wonderstone; Pink Cadillac; BMT: Batman Forever; Once Bitten; Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls; The Number 23; Notes: Y’all know Carrey, we just saw him in the Ace Ventura films. Honestly we’ve done all his good BMTs, but someday we’ll finish him off I suppose. Check out his career, really never a lull, it is incredibly impressive.)
Karen Kopins – ( Known For: Fast Forward; Future BMT: Troop Beverly Hills; Creator; Jake Speed; BMT: Once Bitten; Notes: Jake Speed is crazy. Never on television in the 90s, but did get play in the late 80s. About 800 theaters, 1000 votes on IMDb, and just got a fifth review a few years ago. Would be quite the borderline BMT if we ever do it. Miss Connecticut 1977, still lives there with her high school sweetheart and four kids. Was going to be a Charlie’s Angel but the 1988 pilot wasn’t picked up. Stopped acting in 1994.)
Budget/Gross – $3.2 million / Domestic: $10,000,000 (Worldwide: $10,000,000)
(Surprisingly okay, but like … do I believe it? I want to see the data. This? $10 million? How?)
(There isn’t really a consensus because no one had a snippet outside of the one good review and then one bad review. I did enjoy the bad review which called the movie icky and disturbing essentially. Having watched the film I can’t say that isn’t accurate.)
NYT Short Review: Vampire countess seeks male virgin. Too many Bloody Mary jokes.
(I like the little bat, but that’s about it. There’s not really a cohesion to it. Like why is the vampire see through? I don’t get it. I do find it amusing that the title has a tiny “Samuel Goldwyn Jr.’s” at the top. You know I wasn’t gonna catch this flick but once I found out Sammy G Jr. did this one I was all in. Odd. He’s the Executive Producer. C-)
Tagline(s) – Mark Kendall just found out that his one-night stand has been around for centuries. (C-)
A tasty comedy. (D+)
(I was going to give the first one an F, but then I think I saw what they were going for. One-night vs. centuries. At least a little interesting, if extremely long. So I upgraded it. The short one under the title is nonsense. Tasty because a vampire bites people? I mean sure. But regular people also find things tasty. That’s not a vampire exclusive.)
Keyword(s) – canada
Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.7 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.1 Prom Night (2008), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 74.0 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.2 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 69.0 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.9 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996)
BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), Alone in the Dark (2005), The Wicker Man (2006), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), … (and many more)
Best Options (Vampire): 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 41.5 Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 41.2 Once Bitten (1985), 40.9 Blade: Trinity (2004), 40.6 The Forsaken (2001), 40.6 The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 27.7 Dracula Untold (2014), 24.6 Underworld: Awakening (2012), 20.0 Innocent Blood (1992)
(I’m a bit stunned at just how many vampire films there are. I suppose the question is: will we ever watch them all? I can’t see why we wouldn’t. That would be wild.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jim Carrey is No. 1 billed in Once Bitten and No. 1 billed in The Number 23, which also stars Virginia Madsen (No. 2 billed) who is in Firewall (No. 3 billed) which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 14. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Notes – The role of the Countess was written for Cassandra Peterson, better known as TV horror-hostess Elvira.
By the time the film was released, writer Jeffrey Hause had blown through his initial earnings and had to take a job as a video store clerk. One day an oblivious customer remarked of the film, “Whoever wrote this shouldn’t be working in Hollywood,” and an incensed Hause retorted, “YOU GOT YOUR WISH!”
During the chase scene when Robin punches a vampire, she actually hit him in one take and knocked his fake teeth out.
Screenwriter Jeffrey Hause campaigned for Michael J. Fox to star in the film, but executive producer Samuel Goldwyn Jr. was convinced that Fox would never be able to carry a big-screen movie.
The tune Mark’s ice cream truck plays is a variation on the “Peter” theme of Sergei Prokofiev’s “Peter and the Wolf.”
Meg Meg Meg Meg! We did it. Just when it seemed like no movie could qualify for BMT without hitting 39.9% on RT, we get a film that even dips below 30%. That’s like getting a 5% back in 2005. Take our recent fare, Serving Sara. That goes absolutely roasted by critics. It’s at 4% on RT. Abominable. You’d think the reviews would be like “this film ran over my dog” or something. But nah. They are mostly like “not funny and a waste of my valuable time”… 4%! For wasting the precious time of the reviewer who was warning you not to waste your valuable time on it. Thanks, reviewer. Nowadays reviewers don’t even have the common decency to warn you against mere wastes of time. They are like “maybe you like to waste your time” or “who am I to tell you how valuable your time is” or “time is a mere social construct and in fact cannot be wasted.” Case in point: Meg 2.
To recap, Jason Statham is back, Jack! And boy does he have a kid he’s trying to protect while they live on a research vessel studying The Trench and Megalodons. Seems like a primo place for your kid to be in danger, but you do you Statham. On just another routine mission the research subs are attacked by a Megalodon and they have to dive into The Trench. Things are getting hairy and only get hairier when it’s revealed that Statham’s daughter has stowed away. Entirely unpredictable event! Having veered into unexplored territory they are shocked to find a whole mining operation going on beneath their noses. The eeeevil miners blow up the trench and nearly destroy Statham and the gang. With time running out they make a break for the mining facility and get there just in time (for our main characters at least). They soon discover that this is all a plot by their eeeevil investor and their eeeevil coworker. Despite sabotage and fisticuffs, the gang is able to escape and make it back to the surface. They gather up the rest of the good guys and head to Fun Island, where a few Megs that escaped The Trench via the blast are heading. A big climactic scene occurs where the bad guys try to kill the good guys, the good guys try to kill the Megs, and the Megs try to kill everyone. Eventually Statham wins the day and everyone laughs and laughs and laughs. Oh and his kid is fine, but we all knew that, right? THE END.
The experience of watching this in the theater involved me and Patrick looking at each other over and over as the film devolved into an incoherent mess. At one point I mouthed, “This might be the worst thing I have ever seen” and I wasn’t wrong. When they find a secret laboratory on the bottom of the trench and dinos are attacking them and everything looks like total shit I wondered how in the world this wasn’t a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Fortunately it started to take itself slightly less seriously as the film progressed and so wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen. But it was close. I did not like the trash first film and this one is double trash and the sequel will probably be triple tr… oh, wait, sorry. I forgot my long running character, Franchise Man. Ahem. Here it goes… I loved this film. Feed me more Megs, please, I’ll gobble them up like a good piggy. Oink oink. Franchise Man!
Hot Take Clam Bake! A hot take that was already in play from the first film is even more in play for this film. It’s not even a hot take. It’s an ice cold take. Why in the world is the minor that Jason Statham is the guardian of spending her days in a highly dangerous research lab? I don’t know what the laws are around the world, and if I learned one thing from Armaggeddon it’s that growing up on a highly dangerous ocean rig is pretty great, but still. The girl was nearly killed by a Megalodon already… now she’s just hanging out at the only Megalodon research facility in the world? Someone needs to do something. Get that girl out of there before… damn it, too late, she’s already stowed away on your doomed adventure. Now she’s destined to marry whatever Ben Affleck stand-in you find for Meg 3: Ocean Hole. Congrats. Hot Take Temperature: the ice cold waters of the Marianas Trench.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about the worst trailer I’ve ever seen about three giant sharks trying to chow down on Olympic-caliber diver Jason Statham? Good luck, sharks, he’s smooth like a seal and has shark-like speed in the water. Let’s go!
I’m not joking. When the trailer dropped for this guy I gasped at how bad it looked. Walking on the bottom of the Marianas Trench? Giant CGI sharks attacking Fun Island? Shooting guns and battling dinosaurs in the ocean? It looked aggressively dumb and not in the usual way. I shouted (my wife can testify) “If this isn’t BMT there is no God!” Well, we did it boys, God lives (for now …).
The young lady sitting next to me in the theater was on her phone 100% of the time during this film. One might ask why? Why pay for a movie and then not watch it? Only she knows.
We also watched it in 3D. Bar none, this was the worst 3D film I’ve ever seen. There are two pretty major action scenes which are normal action scenes and in 3D they are 100% incoherent. Completely nonsensical.
So what did we learn? We learned that you can swim around on the bottom of the ocean as long as you fill your sinuses with water because water is incompressible. Makes sense … (ignore the air in your GI tract, and I’m going to assume that it would do something to your eyes / brain, but the internet is somewhat inconclusive on this matter).
We learned that after swimming around on the bottom of the ocean you can wake up with no ill-effects and get into a fist fight with a martial artist and be pretty okay. Hot take: I think that maybe in reality filling your entire head with water and passing out might not be something you can wake up and recover from in a hot second.
We learned that dinosaurs live on the bottom of the ocean, but also those same dinosaurs can pop up on the surface and walk around … like that’s totally normal right? Just breathing underwater and then popping out and running around and eating people. That’s how things work in real life right?
We learned that you should definitely have a group of effectively faceless “friends” who can die in various ways. And also that that one person who you declare you’ve been friends with for “four years” but wasn’t in the first film is probably the bad guy.
Speaking of which, one of the good guys was like “we can all trust each other in this room, we need to find the mole” and I practically shouted “blonde-haired lady is the bad guy!” in the theater. So dumb.
A funny Product Placement (What?) for Page Kennedy’s MCM Worldwide survival backpack, probably the only genuinely funny moment in the film. Setting as a Character (Where?) for the Marianas Trench. And Worst Twist (How?) for the “reveal” that the head of the company (and one of the engineers) are in cahoots to mine the bottom of the ocean (!) for some rare material (!) worth billions (!). This film is BMT nonsense and it isn’t boring, which feels abnormal for the big bad BMT blockbusters we usually watch for Live.
Oh man, get this. I was walking around in the Marianas Trench, as usual, when all of a sudden a bunch of small dinos attacked. Long story short I filled my head with water and swam around shooting them with my underwater gun. The only problem is I now have severe brain damage and can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Meg 2: The Trench?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Uh oh, Statham is doing push ups in a cargo container during his time off from The Trench™ Inc. What is Statham’s side job at the opening of the film?
2) But what is Statham’s real job as well? What are they doing with The Trench™?
3) But uh oh!!!!!! What is the super secret bad guys doing in The Trench™?!?!?
4) And now the Megs are on the loose and they are attacking Fun Island (real storyline). There are two other weirdo deep sea creatures up from The Trench™ though. What are they?
5) Phew, they defeated all the monsters. Or wait a tick … did they? How did they stop the good Megalogon which went from above The Trench™ to below The Trench™ and now I guess lives in the real world?
Bonus Question: Well they’ve now fought three Megs, which probably is about the worst it could be, right? WRONG. Three years later Statham is doing pull ups on the bottom of the Marianas Trench, when the next big baddie shows up. What is it?
Bad Movie Twins 