Oh man, get this. I was hanging at my weirdo security job with really creepy animatronic puppets, when one came to life and bopped me right on the head. Now I don’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Five Nights at Freddy’s?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) When we meet our hero he is a bit worse for wear. First, he barely sleeps. What does he do instead?
2) Second, he doesn’t have a job. Why not? What happened with his last job?
3) Finally, his aunt is pestering him. Why does she want to take his baby sister from him?
4) Welp, whatever. In the end we learn that at his new security job there are living animatronic puppets. Who / what are in the puppets though?
5) And finally, who’s in the puppet suit?
Bonus Question: Much like a video game this demands a sequel. In the mid-credits scene Hutcherson receives a call. Who’s there?
Patrick crashes through the swinging doors of the kitchen only to find himself back in the fancy restaurant, now even fancier as it is the site of Jamie’s wedding. “The great thing about this wedding is that it’s not just one wedding. Because I couldn’t choose just one bride. Isn’t that great!” Jamie says to the amusement of his guests. He sees Patrick and comes scurrying over. “Where have you been?” For a moment Jamie appears angry but then his face softens. “I’m really nervous,” he admits. Patrick looks around at the guests and finds that he’s also nervous. They are horrific creatures of darkness that only know suffering and pain (or is it pleasure?). “Hey can we talk about this?” Patrick says quietly, but Jamie isn’t listening. “Sure, sure, but first I got two weddings to get to. Three if you count your vow renewal ceremony. Your wife is coming, right?” Patrick stares back at him blankly. “Perfect. Just perfect,” Jamie glowers, “well more wedding for me.” With that he hops up on stage and snaps at the demon priestess to get the show on the road. Rusty hooks fly out from the walls and stab into Jamie’s flash. The priestess places what looks like a tiny bear trap on Jamie’s finger and he stammers out how much he loves Nerdy Demon and a weak, “This sure is nice. I’m getting so much pleasure from this.” Tears stream down his face as he turns to Sultry Demon and can only whimper, “Jesus wept.” The demon brides, delighted, tear at Jamie with their claws to complete the ceremony. Jamie turns painfully to Patrick and holds up some tickets. “And as a final present I want you and yours to join us on the honeymoon. A relaxing five nights at….” That’s right! Five Nights at Freddy’s! You’re probably all like “But wait, I know your cycle inside and out and how in the world is Five Nights at Freddy’s in the Achievement slot? The answer is ‘why not?’ We already completed the year. That’s the achievement. So let us do one of the biggest critical flops of the year that doubles as one of the biggest surprise hits of the year. Let’s go!
Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023) – BMeTric: 50.1; Notability: 17
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 3.6%; Notability: top 12.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 16.8%; Higher BMeT: The Exorcist: Believer, Meg 2: The Trench, Expend4bles, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, Best. Christmas. Ever!, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, 65, The Ritual Killer; Higher Notability: Rebel Moon: Part One – A Child of Fire, Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted, Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom, Expend4bles, House Party, Haunted Mansion, Heart of Stone, The Out-Laws, Meg 2: The Trench, Old Dads, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3, 65, Your Place or Mine, White Men Can’t Jump, Vacation Friends 2, The Exorcist: Believer, About My Father, The Family Plan, Insidious: The Red Door, and 10 more; Lower RT: Freelance, The Ritual Killer, 57 Seconds, Expend4bles, In the Fire, On a Wing and a Prayer, Fool’s Paradise, The Tutor, Vacation Friends 2, Robots, The Re-Education of Molly Singer, The Out-Laws, Knights of the Zodiac, Mafia Mamma, The Exorcist: Believer, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, Pain Hustlers, The Family Plan, God Is a Bullet, Rebel Moon: Part One – A Child of Fire, and 16 more; Notes: We had to pivot to this to some extent because we watched Fear … possibly the biggest blunder in recent BMT history. This movie seems far more fun even if it is probably “better”.
RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – You ultimately don’t need to care that much about why Abby bonds so quickly with Freddy and the gang, or why Vanessa knows so much about Freddy. But it might have helped if the movie’s programmatic jump scares and mostly unremarkable performances were more memorable. As it is, the movie is both too fast and too slow to be either shocking or moving enough. “Five Nights at Freddy’s” might satisfy the series’ established fans, but everyone else will have to look elsewhere for fun.
(Yup, this is exactly what I heard, that the film was very solid for people who knew the games (and the lore) but no so much otherwise. And I do know stuff about the games since I’ve vaguely watched videos of people playing it. So maybe that bodes well.)
(I wonder if the kind-of-too-famous guy in the trailer is the bad guy … looks kind of fun, but I can already tell it ends up being more silly than scary in reality. The kill where the girl gets eaten by the robot seems potentially fun though.)
Directors – Emma Tammi – ( Known For: The Wind; BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: She wrote this as well and will be writing I think both a second and third film maybe.)
Writers – Scott Cawthon – ( BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: Huh. The video game creator, but also back in the 90s he used to make bad looking CGI Christian films. So he seems like a 3D artist.)
Seth Cuddeback – ( BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: Nothing else of note, I think the weird bit is that all of these people have future credits on the sequels. I would assume at least a few just did a pass on the first, so I don’t know why IMDb would be thinking they would be attached to the second unless they either are, or there is some default thing happening.)
Emma Tammi – ( BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: She also directed a bit of Into the Dark which is a horror anthology television show.)
Chris Lee Hill – ( Known For: Tragedy Girls; V/H/S/99; Patchwork; Blowing Up Right Now; BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: Alright, here we go. This person definitely was a “horror” person they had do a pass on the script since they are not attached to the sequels.)
Tyler MacIntyre – ( Known For: Tragedy Girls; V/H/S/99; Patchwork; BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: Huh, was mostly an editor (and not even of horror films necessarily), but seems to have tacked to writing pretty high profile horror in the past few years.)
Actors – Josh Hutcherson – ( Known For: The Hunger Games; The Hunger Games: Catching Fire; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; The Polar Express; Bridge to Terabithia; The Disaster Artist; The Kids Are All Right; Journey to the Center of the Earth; Zathura: A Space Adventure; Journey 2: The Mysterious Island; Epic; American Splendor; Kicking & Screaming; Little Manhattan; Escobar: Paradise Lost; Detention; Tragedy Girls; Winged Creatures; Burn; Future BMT: RV; Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant; Firehouse Dog; BMT: Red Dawn; Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: He is in probably one of the more anticipated early year BMT films, The Beekeeper starring Jason Statham. I really hope that hits so we can get a nice Winter Season live in.)
Piper Rubio – ( BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: Probably most notable for a recent four episode turn on For All Mankind.)
Elizabeth Lail – ( Known For: Gonzo Girl; Future BMT: Mack & Rita; BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Countdown; Notes: Was recently in You (the Netflix show) which I think must be finished by now since I think it was intended to only go four seasons.)
Budget/Gross – $20 million / Domestic: $137,275,620 (Worldwide: $290,501,123)
(Jesus Christ … I mean … Jesus Christ. Yeah, that’s why you play the game. Horror can really just print money. This film only cost $20 million (basically a set and some dark hard to see CGI I guess, only need one reasonably priced star), so that is a lot of dough.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 31% (66/211): Loaded with Easter eggs, Five Nights at Freddy’s may be fun to watch for fans of the game, but most viewers of any other persuasion will find this adaptation muddled and decidedly unscary.
(Yes. This is everything I’ve heard about the film. That it isn’t a good film, but (as Ebert used to say) it is good for what it is. Although I actually think the reviews are like: it’s bad for what it is but also the fans will like it.)
Reviewer Highlight: You may chuckle, but it’s hard to tell if the movie is laughing with you. – Natalia Winkelman, New York Times
(I find this surprisingly boring. I like the sign, obviously, but otherwise seems a little ‘blah’ for a film about a killer Chuck E. Cheese or whatever. Some of the alternated are better. C+.)
Tagline(s) – Can you survive? (D)
(Nah. That’s no fun. Think of how many films this could apply to.)
Keyword(s) – Year 2023
Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Barbie (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (2023), The Flash (2023)
Future BMT: 84.6 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 67.0 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 48.0 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 43.8 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 43.5 House Party (2023), 37.2 Paint (2023), 35.8 Freelance (2023), 31.6 The Machine (2023), 28.1 Haunted Mansion (2023), 27.7 Love Again (2023), 24.9 Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023), 20.9 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023), 18.4 Nefarious (2023), 9.1 The Shift (2023), 9.1 Camp Hideout (2023), 8.8 Back on the Strip (2023), 8.3 Sweetwater (2023)
BMT: Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Expend4bles (2023), 65 (2023), Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), Retribution (2023), Hypnotic (2023), My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), Mafia Mamma (2023), About My Father (2023), Fear (2023)
Best Options (imdb-keyword-based-on-video-game): 50.1 Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023)
(I didn’t expect to see another video game film available. I was just curious. Given the success of the Super Mario Bros. this year though I guess I wouldn’t have been survived if I forgot some other film was based on a video game.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 11) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Matthew Lillard is No. 4 billed in Five Nights at Freddy’s and No. 3 billed in Wicker Park, which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (4 + 3) + (1 + 3) = 11. If we were to watch Firehouse Dog we can get the HoE Number down to 10.
Notes – Because of Foxy’s skeletal-like structure, he was built as a full-body animatronic puppet and performed by Russ Walko, along with a group of puppeteers from Jim Henson’s Creature Shop. In shots where Foxy walked, it took as many as six puppeteers to accomplish his full range of movements.
Unlike most studios using CGI for bringing creatures to life, Jim Henson’s Creature Shop was responsible for the creation of the Fazbear animatronics.
The animatronic characters were performed by puppeteers from Jim Henson’s Creature Shop. For shots where the characters weren’t moving, the puppeteers would control both the head and body movements. In the rare instances where a character would walk or dance, a stunt performer would don the costume while the puppeteers controlled the heads remotely.
Even before the movie was released, producer Jason Blum said that it had already made back its budget from selling the streaming and theatrical distribution rights.
In August 2018, Scott Cawthon said that if the first film were to be successful, there could be a second and third film, following the events of the second and third games, respectively. In January 2023, in an interview on the podcast WeeklyMTG, Matthew Lillard revealed he signed a three-picture deal with the studios.
While this is not the final “Arthur” film of the year, it is the culmination of our year-long “Arthur” cycle. We’ve learned, loved, lived, learned to the love and live, and lived to learn and love as Patrick has navigated the data necessary to make such a cycle possible. It’s very hard trying to figure out what films have played on TV on a series of specific dates. A true technological achievement. And it tells you a lot of how far we’ve come. In the beginning we were just watching along with a podcast and mostly limited ourselves to films that we could both readily obtain from Netflix. I remember balking at paying for a rental of a BMT film. We couldn’t possibly, right? Nowadays we watch several BMT in theaters. We have ordered Bring a Friends (friends!) on VHS that we then had to convert into a watchable format! On a much brighter note we now employ our local public libraries for almost all films that we would otherwise pay for, so overall the “we would prefer not to pay for a BMT film” philosophy has blessedly persisted. But really, the true crowning BMT achievement is not our willingness to spend money for BMT… it’s the willingness of Patrick to spend many, many hours developing an advanced algorithm to analyze New York Times TV listings for BMT. It brings a tear to your eye (interpret that as you will).
To recap, Arthur is a rich, drunk asshole. But this time it’s not his fault (I pull Arthur in for a hug) It’s not your fault, Arthur. It’s not your fault. When his mother decides to cut him off unless he marries the stuck up Susan Johnson he relents because he likes his money. In the meantime he meets a free-spirited Naomi, who captures his heart with her dreams of writing a children’s book. He tries to quit drinking and get a job so he can disobey his mother, but alas, Naomi finds out he’s engaged and breaks it off. His butler Hobbes, who likes Naomi for Arthur, tries to talk to her, but ends up having to go to the hospital. When Arthur rushes to Hobbes’ side Naomi finds out from Susan that the only reason her children’s book is getting published is because Arthur bought the publishing company. That pretty much ends things for them officially. Arthur is sober while taking care of Hobbes, but when she dies he relapses. On his wedding day, though, he finds a letter from Hobbes and decides to go after Naomi once and for all. Naomi still isn’t ready to take him back, though, so Arthur spends time working on himself. He realizes that it’s not his fault (I hold him even tighter as he sobs in my arms) and he takes over his family’s charitable work. Later he meets Naomi at a book reading and they tearfully smooch… hard. THE END.
The first Arthur film was unabashedly Arthur. I went into it biased. I recalled seeing it on TV here and there growing up and I didn’t really “get it.” It was a classic and yet I never saw anything funny happen. On watching the whole thing I was surprised. The butler was definitely very funny and Arthur himself wasn’t nearly as annoying as I expected. The sequel, though, decided to wade into the hilarious waters of infertility, adoption, and alcoholism and was a barrel of anti-laughs. Where did they go wrong? They stopped being polite and started being real. So obviously the remake would resolve that issue… oh wait, no. Apparently they decided the second film had it correct and Arthur’s alcoholism and trauma should be part of the narrative. We really can’t have fun anymore with this kind of stuff. Which is fine, but it also means they probably just shouldn’t make a remake of Arthur. The film is all over the place as it tries to navigate how to get everyone into the right places where we feel good about the alcoholic asshole getting the girl. All that being said… I thought the acting and casting was pretty good for what was a not very good movie. As for Replicant, I thought this was a pretty fun movie. If you dig the cheesy badness of 90’s and 2000’s serial killer films, then just imagine that mixed with Michael Rooker, JCVD in dual roles, and it actually being about super pseudoscience mumbo jumbo. There are also two scenes involving a prostitute that has to be seen to be believed. They’re deranged. All together that’s a winning combination in my book.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Since we all decided that Arthur (2011) has to be true to life I guess I’ll just have to drop this hilarious nugget right here: Arthur and Naomi won’t make it. He’s an alcoholic, womanizing asshole. He’s a manchild that used alcohol as a crutch to deal with emotional trauma he never properly dealt with. His mom is still crazy and he’s still involved in the family business. This is not going to end well. To draw a parallel we all will understand, this is very much like Tessa and Hardin in the After series. He’s bad news, guuurl. I know you think you can fix him, but he’s just gonna end up writing a tell all book about your relationship to further his own career. Deal with it. Hot Take Temperature: Hardin Scott.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Arthur? Not the classic Arthur, we watched that a few months ago. We’re talking about the one who is allegedly a sexual predator. Let’s go!
Might as well get this out of the way: we chose this prior to the real deal accusations against Russell Brand. Also we set this up prior to it turning out that his alleged predation was specifically concerning his behavior on the set of this film. Amazing.
And a small note about the technological achievement that made this cycle possible. Yeah, I have 40GB of New York Times television listings on my computer. Yeah, I have spent over a year of my life algorithmically and carefully curating that data. It is my legacy. Someday when our AI overlords declare Life Credits for any human-verified Truth Data from their posts on the Elysium Space Station, I’ll be in like Flynn. Front of the gruel line. I’ll have so many Life Credits. Suck it.
Russell Brand somehow someway ends up being kind of … good (?!) in this film. He puts on an affectation that is very Original Arthur, and overall manages to be somewhat charming in a role that even at the time should have been anti-charm. Who would have thunk it.
I was shocked to see Greta Gerwig pop up, completely forgot she was in this. Pretty amusing. She is an okay actor, but apparently a much much better director. Who would have thunk it.
I don’t know why or how Helen Mirren is in this film … is it a weird Oscar play where she galaxy brained herself into thinking history was going to repeat itself with the Supporting Actor win … nah, they probably just paid her a boatload.
Garner is real weird in this film. I guess she manages to pull off being such a weirdo that despite being Jennifer Garner a person would find her utterly repulsive. Good on her.
As for our friend, Replicant (2001), the film is also quite strange. Very very reminiscent of The Watcher which came out only the year before. It feels like, perhaps, people lost their way in the wake of Seven whereby they thought that is what serial killer films now were. The Pledge and The Bone Collector both also come out in this era and both, in their own way, seem to buy into the grunginess instead of the fun of something like Silence of the Lambs in all its meticulous Hannibal Lecter glory. I don’t know. I just know that this one has JCVD mostly playing a mentally slow clone of himself, that clone falls in love with a prostitute in a wild scene, and Rooker yells at and physically abuses him all film like a lunatic. It is not a fun serial killer film, but it is a ridiculous JCVD film. So … your mileage may vary. For me it is a C+.
You know what, I’m going with a left field Product Placement (What?) for the classic Frog and Toad books, which is ridiculous. A classic Setting as a Character (Where?) for New York City. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate twist on a twist for now having him get the girl in the end (until later when he does get the girl). This movie is Bad.
Read about my sequel to the new Arthur in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this. I’m a billionaire with a bit of a drinking problem … fine a huge drinking problem, and my brain is mush. I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Arthur (2011)?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Arthur Arthur Arthur. What will we do with you! What car is he being driven in (and crashing) in the opening scene?
2) Well, that was fun. But there is a problem. Arthur needs to marry Jennifer Garner. Why does his mother insist on this and why does he agree to it?
3) Oh! But now he’s met Greta Gerwig. What is her “job” but what “job” does she actually want?
4) Where is their date?
5) In the end Arthur does not marry Garner, and Mirren dies. You would know these things if you watched the original. But they do twist up the ending. What is Arthur’s job at the end of the film after he gets his act together?
Bonus Question: Years later, Arthur is off the wagon … or is he? That’s the question. Is he?
Jamie and Patrick are looking bodacious. Pants? Lycra. Shirt? Absent. Tips? Frosted. Their summer had been spent watching Tango & Cash on repeat as research for a ‘zine idea they had brewing. Rumor on the block was ‘zines were the next big thing. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “The rumor around my block is natuuuure.” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of a nearby mountain and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is Ewoks: The Battle for Endor) they venture forth and soon find themselves scaling the rocky crags of Mt. Mountain. “Maybe our ‘zine can be about mountains… in movies. Movie Mountains? Is that something?” Jamie asks as he swings himself from one rocky outcrop to another. “But why would someone want to read what we say about Movie Mountains?” Patrick ponders. Just as he’s going to suggest Bad Movie Mountains, though, they are buzzed by a remote control airplane. They look far below them and see a bunch of middle schoolers laughing as they dive bomb them in increasingly dangerous fashion. “Sacre bleu!” Jamie says, using one of his more famous catchphrases. “We’re trapped,” Patrick says, gritting his teeth in rage, “Like Perret trapped Tango and Cash… a couple mice in a maze.” They look at each other in despair. They are far too young to have any patented Twin Memories to harken back to for a solution. This looks like a very early end for the Bad Movie Twins. Suddenly they hear a faint voice “the rumor around my block is natuuuure.” Patrick’s eyes widen. Jamie simply whispers “Coolz.” With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Arthur Memory. That’s right! We are completing the Arthur circle by watching the 2011 remake of the comedy classic starring Russel Brand and Best Director nominee Greta Gerwig (but not for this… she didn’t direct 2011’s Arthur). Talk about two people whose careers are going in two different directions. We are pairing it with Replicant starring JCVD. This film will complete the second leg of the “JCVD plays dual roles” trilogy, leaving just Maximum Risk. Let’s go!
Arthur (2011) – BMeTric: 41.9; Notability: 52
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 16.4%; Notability: top 10.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 22.1%; Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, The Roommate, The Darkest Hour, Hellraiser: Revelations, Conan the Barbarian, Abduction, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Zookeeper, Apollo 18, I Don’t Know How She Does It, Twixt, The Dilemma, and 21 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Green Lantern, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Cars 2, New Year’s Eve, The Smurfs, Hop, Red Riding Hood, Your Highness, Jack and Jill, Battle Los Angeles, The Hangover Part II, Sucker Punch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, I Am Number Four, Larry Crowne, In Time, Johnny English Reborn, Season of the Witch, and 5 more; Lower RT: Hellraiser: Revelations, You May Not Kiss the Bride, Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Hick, Abduction, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, Trespass, Honey 2, Red Riding Hood, Season of the Witch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, The Darkest Hour, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, The Moth Diaries, and 33 more; Notes: Kind of amusing how few of those top BMeT films I’ve seen. We’ve seen 12 of the 20 listed there, which is pretty good, but only two in the top 5, so we are somehow leaving some heavy hitters. Although, 2011 is an incredible bad movie year I believe, one of the best, so perhaps it is impossible to watch enough bad movies to seem impressive.
RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – The thing about Moore, who people persisted in calling “Cuddly Dudley” although he hated it, is that he was just plain lovable. The thing about Russell Brand is that he isn’t, not much, and he should get credit here for at least being a good deal more likable than he usually chooses to seem. He plays the alcoholic zillionaire Arthur Bach as a man who wants to party with the world and pick up the check.
(Yes, this was my impression as well. The less the said about Russell Brand the better at the moment, but his high pitched affectation and general antics in this film do seem reasonably charming. Surprisingly so.)
(Jesus the overused Rebel Rebel riff and then All Night Long and then Pressure!! The trailer almost comes across as a parody and just seems sad.)
Directors – Jason Winer – ( Known For: Ode to Joy; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Won an Emmy for Modern Family which is produced in addition to directing multiple episodes. HE is directing The Santa Clauses at the moment.)
Writers – Peter Baynham – ( Known For: Hotel Transylvania; Borat; Borat Subsequent Moviefilm; Brüno; Ron’s Gone Wrong; Alan Partridge; Arthur Christmas; Future BMT: The Brothers Grimsby; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Probably British considering he appears to work very closely with Sasha Baron Cohen and Steve Coogan on their projects. Nominated for 2 Oscars for the Borat films.)
Steve Gordon – ( Known For: Arthur; The One and Only; BMT: Arthur; Arthur 2: On the Rocks; Notes: Died in 1982, between the two Arthur films, he wrote the original Arthur for which he was nominated for an Oscar.)
Actors – Russell Brand – ( Known For: Death on the Nile; Forgetting Sarah Marshall; Trolls; Despicable Me; Minions: The Rise of Gru; Despicable Me 2; Rock of Ages; Get Him to the Greek; Penelope; St. Trinian’s; Catherine Called Birdy; Army of One; The Tempest; Four Kids and It; Paradise; The Fight; Future BMT: Bedtime Stories; Hop; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Yeah no, I ain’t falling for this trap. He is currently notably under investigation for sexual assault, some of the allegations coming from the set of this specific film.)
Helen Mirren – ( Known For: Barbie; Fast X; Golda; Shazam! Fury of the Gods; Caligula; F9: The Fast Saga; The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy; The Prince of Egypt; Excalibur; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; RED; State of Play; Age of Consent; The Fate of the Furious; Woman in Gold; The Pledge; Monsters University; The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover; Gosford Park; 2010: The Year We Make Contact; Future BMT: Anna; Winchester; Inkheart; National Treasure: Book of Secrets; The Nutcracker and the Four Realms; Collateral Beauty; Raising Helen; Teaching Mrs. Tingle; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Won and Oscar for The Queen and is in general a national British treasure. She was nominated for three other Oscars as well for The Madness of King George, Gosford Park, and The Last Station.)
Jennifer Garner – ( Known For: Catch Me If You Can; Juno; 13 Going on 30; The Adam Project; Dallas Buyers Club; Daredevil; Love, Simon; Draft Day; The Kingdom; The Invention of Lying; Miracles from Heaven; Yes Day; Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day; Deconstructing Harry; Butter; Danny Collins; Wakefield; The Tribes of Palos Verdes; A Happening of Monumental Proportions; Washington Square; Future BMT: Peppermint; Dude, Where’s My Car?; Men, Women & Children; The Odd Life of Timothy Green; Wonder Park; Catch and Release; Mr. Magoo; BMT: Pearl Harbor; Mother’s Day; Valentine’s Day; Ghosts of Girlfriends Past; Elektra; Arthur; Nine Lives; Notes: Nominated for four Emmy for Alias, but she never won. Was married to Ben Affleck for a time.)
(That ain’t great. You want more than that. But I also can’t imagine why a remake of Arthur was going to make $100 million, so I don’t know what they were thinking.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 27% (52/195): An irritating, unnecessary remake that demonstrates the libertine charm Russell Brand exudes in supporting roles turn against him when he’s star of the show.
(Irritating is the name of the game. I really don’t know how you make an Arthur film without Dudley Moore and have Arthur come across as anything but supremely irritating. The reviewer below kind of gets it right too, this pretty much killed Brand as a leading man.)
Reviewer Highlight: Russell Brand gives a career-killing performance. – David Edelstein, New York Magazine/Vulture
(I don’t understand two things about this poster. Why is Arthur’s hat being held up like that? Does it mean something? Was that hat supposed to be a “thing”? Second, how is it that Greta Gerwig isn’t on this poster? Garner gets the spot playing the primary antagonist. Why? Anyway, I don’t love it. I don’t even like it, really. C-.)
Tagline(s) – Meet the world’s only loveable billionaire. (D+)
(I can’t really tell if this is really bad or just really not good. Like it’s a little long and not clever in the least. It appears to think him being “loveable” (to some people, I guess) is clever when put next to the word “billionaire.” I don’t understand why. I guess it does tell you a little of what to expect from the movie. So that’s nice.)
Keyword(s) – daddio
Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), The Godfather (1972), Scarface (1983), 12 Angry Men (1957), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Back to the Future Part II (1989), Dead Poets Society (1989), Citizen Kane (1941), The Game (1997), Dumb and Dumber (1994)
Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.1 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.3 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.3 Club Paradise (1986), 38.9 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 38.0 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 37.0 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.9 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.8 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.3 Spring Break (1983), 34.1 Father Hood (1993)
BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Leviathan (1989), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Fools Rush In (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Magic in the Water (1995), Lock Up (1989), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)
(We had to finish up Arthur for the cycle, so here we are. Luckily I don’t think there were many others I was really clamoring for in its place.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 20) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jennifer Garner is No. 4 billed in Arthur and No. 2 billed in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, which also stars Matthew McConaughey (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wedding Planner (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jennifer Lopez (No. 1 billed) who is in Gigli (No. 2 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (4 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 20. If we were to watch Two for the Money we can get the HoE Number down to 15.
Notes – Arthur states his father died at the age of forty-four in an homage to Steve Gordon, who directed Arthur (1981), and also died at the age of forty-four.
While sulking in his Batmobile after Hobson (Dame Helen Mirren) gives him an aspirin and vitamin, Arthur (Russell Brand) scrolls through his phone to look for Naomi’s number and we briefly see Katy Perry, Brand’s then-wife, listed as a contact.
During the dinner scene at Grand Central Station, the background music that is playing is an instrumental version of the Christopher Cross song, “Arthur (1981)’s Theme (Best That You Can Do)”.
In the final scene, where there is a collection of movie cars, the car displayed on the far right is the Rolls-Royce from Arthur (1981).
In order to see the dedication in Naomi’s book, Arthur moves a pop-up moon over a Manhattan skyline scene. This is a tribute to the line “If you get caught between the moon and New York City”, in Christopher Cross’ “Arthur (1981)’s Theme” song.
Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Russell Brand)
Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel
For films that I don’t have much personal history with or don’t have any broader implications for our BMT venture (and Magic in the Water certainly fits that bill) I like to look back at the date that the film was released. Oddly this film was allegedly released on a Wednesday, which is apparently true as the New York Times does state that it “Starts Today” in that Wednesday’s Magic in the Water ad. I guess this was to capture the magic in the Labor Day weekend or something. But that’s not the headline to my journey back to August 30th, 1995. No, the headline is the relatively small banner that ran under the poster for the film:
I smell a new cycle. Gotta catch ‘em all, and I don’t mean Pokemon. I mean this level of product tie-in. It’s gorgeous.
To recap, the Black family are off to Glenorky for the summer. Father, Jack (yes, his name is Jack Black), is a psychiatrist-turned-radio-host who is attempting to write a new book. He’s a workaholic and the kids, Ashley and Josh, are struggling to connect to him. Lucky for Ashley she’s got America’s favorite cookie Oreo to keep her company. Even luckier? There is also a monster in the lake, Orky, that enjoys America’s favorite cookie Oreo too (despite being a very Canadian monster). Jack starts to get to know a local psychiatrist and finds that she’s treating a bunch of men in town for “hallucinations” that occur after allegedly interacting with Orky. When Ashley runs away one night, Jack is aided by Orky to save her in the nick of time. This interaction with Orky gives Jack a psychic connection that tunes him into the fact that Orky is being hurt by something nefarious in the lake. Turns out some local industrialists are illegally dumping their waste in the lake and are getting more and more concerned that a bunch of Japanese scientists are going to find out what they are doing. Just when Jack is locked up for his increasingly bizarre behavior, the industrialists hatch a plan to use a big ol’ monster submarine to trick the Japanese researchers into thinking the monster was just a ruse the whole time and to leave them alone. It’s up to the kids to stop them and they hijack the submarine, which unfortunately sinks. They are definitely going to die and it’s real grim, but then Orky comes and saves them. Jack is also suddenly there too and they all watch as Orky dies from exposure to the waste. They then leave Orky’s cave and are pretty bummed actually. But then Orky comes back to life and eats a bunch more of America’s favorite cookie Oreo. THE END.
That all actually happened. I can’t tell if this is as bizarre as I think it is or we just don’t watch kids movies enough. Maybe it’s only bizarre that it made it to theaters. Or maybe it’s only bizarre that it was a random Canadian film plucked from obscurity in America’s thirst for Loch Ness Monster content. Or maybe it’s not bizarre at all. It’s impossible for me to tell. The only thing I know is this is a children’s movie where some kids are sad because their dad is locked up in an insane asylum and they are left alone and then they almost die in a submarine accident and then their monster friend actually does die right in front of them. It’s just… they spend an inordinate amount of time showing you the unpleasant and bizarre behavior of a man driven insane by his contact with a supernatural being. It sounds like I’m describing a horror film. That’s because it was horrific.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Patrick should have put a spoiler warning on his section cause you better believe all those kids died in that submarine. You couldn’t ask for a more perfect “moment before death” scene than the kids being reunited with their crazy dad in Orky’s cave just before the monster dies… but wait, actually no he is still alive, see he ate some cookies. Uh, really? No wonder wikipedia’s synopsis for the film ends by saying that the cookies being eaten at the end “suggest that Orky is still alive, or reincarnated.” They can’t tell because it doesn’t matter. Just the sad dreams of a girl dying in a submarine. Hot Take Temperature: Oreo.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we sitting here feeling like kids again because an ancient wise sea monster inhabited our soul?! Let’s go!
It’s been a minute since we did a kids’ movie. Let the useless nonsense wash over you like a Glenorky tide.
Mark Harmon … oh boy. I feel like in this film you can witness his transition from that 80s scamp in Summer School, to no nonsense dad (or dad adjacent) character in this film right here. Do you think while filming he thought to himself: I feel young again. Maybe Summer School 2 is in the books!
The kid actors were pretty solid though. I’m surprised the daughter didn’t act in anything else. Unless you count a creepy looking FMV kids adventure game called Piper. Joshua Jackson was a child actor star, charisma out the wazoo.
The direction does let it down on occasion. Mainly just small asides they do (in particular a short shot of Jackson putting Cap’n Crunch on some bread and eating it). And the bad guy plot feels like it was shot by someone else who was trying to make a live action Captain Planet episode.
The film is much better earlier when it is just about a father who has lost his way prior to him becoming a kid again.
The submarine death scene is harrowing though. Seems likely that we are dealing with a Jacob’s Ladder situation and the children died in the sub and Harmon died in the fall into the cavern below the beach. Sad stuff.
Also the degree to which Dr. Wanda Bell seems to be over-prescribing sedatives to fairly innocuous (if delusional) people seems problematic. As is her seeming to be primarily practicing psychiatry when she admits to being trained as a general practitioner.
The only thing I’ll say that I did like how the fun kiddy nonsense they partake in (controlling the clouds, digging to China, etc.) all played into the final scene where that is how Harmon saves his kids and how the daughter saves Orky from discovery. The one moment the script seems to shine through a bit.
Oh … I mean I can’t not mention the Oreos. America’s favorite cookie! Everyone is just chowing down on Oreos. Orky is chowing down on Oreos. Oreos are everywhere. It is one of the craziest things I’ve ever seen.
Obviously Product Placement (What?) for Oreos, America’s favorite cookie. Setting as a Character (Where?) for the mythical town of Glenorky. I think Orky might be a living breathing MacGuffin (Why?). And Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that that sad death scene was a ruse, and Orky lives! Or is it Orky Jr? We’ll never know. This is closest to BMT I think. It ain’t good, but I also didn’t find it particularly unpleasant, so I think it works for a very rare BMT kids’ film.
Oh man, so get this. I was on holiday in Canada, naturally, and obviously macking on some of America’s favorite cookies, Oreos. When all of a sudden a sea monster came up and snagged all of them. Needless to say I attempted to free dive to save my delicious treat, but I passed out and got severe oxygen deprivation induced brain damage. Now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Magic in the Water?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) We meet Mark Harmon and his two precocious kids just as they set off for a holiday in Glenorchy (Home of Orky!). What is Harmon’s job?
2) While there he meets his obvious love interest, who shares this job. What is the shared psychosis that all her patients have?
3) Oh yeah, meanwhile Orky is real (who knew!?). How does Ashley know that he’s real though, and how does she generally detect he is nearby, AND what does this mean for poor Orky?
4) Uh oh, there are some bad guys. What are they concerned about, and what is their plan to prevent the toxic waste dump site from being discovered?
5) After the children definitely don’t die in a horrifying homemade submarine accident, who saves them and how?
Bonus Question: Obviously we would expect the family to move to Glenorky to be near their best friend Orky. Well, Orky’s got a surprise for them. What is it?
“That’s right, you do love your wife,” Kyle explains as they stand in front of a new scene. It’s Metaphor Patrick somberly sitting in a room full of lawyers as they hash out his divorce. Tears stream down his face. “That’s why you end up giving her whatever she wants,” Kyle continues, “and what she wants is half your stake in the company.” Jamie and Patrick do the math. Their 60% is now 45%… “But she wouldn’t. You’re lying,” Patrick says, before running dramatically to a nearby fainting couch. And they would have thought he actually had fainted if it wasn’t for all the snot and drool that accompanied his intensely loud sobbing. “Your right, it isn’t true… yet,” Kyle says, “but it will be, and shortly thereafter your ex-wife, distraught at your betrayal, sells her stake to the Dudikoffs and jets off to Europe to start her life anew in a reverse Sound of Music type scenario.” Patrick’s sobs get even louder. Jaime is perplexed. “So this is all just to get their hands on BMT? But they have that already. We are doing a worldwide tour of Canada for them. What else do they want?” Kyle gives him a look of deep sadness. They still aren’t getting it. He snaps his fingers and they are standing in front of a billboard. “Welcome to Glenorky, home of the Bad Movie Twins Water Company.” Forcing Patrick to divorce his wife and six kids is one thing. But turning BMT into a bottled water company was crossing the line. “It’s the one thing we said we’d never do,” Patrick says softly. “You can drink it out of the tap, for god sakes,” Jamie yells, before punching a hole in the billboard next to the company’s tagline: “There’s Magic in the Water.” That’s right! We’re watching that film we all know and love, Magic in the Water. It’s got Mark Harmon. It’s got Josh Jackson. It’s got Canada’s version of Nessy. So basically it’s got everything. Let’s go!
Magic in the Water (1995) – BMeTric: 20.5; Notability: 23
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 23.6%; Notability: top 26.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 16.2%; Higher BMeT: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls, Jury Duty, Batman Forever, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Congo, Theodore Rex, The Babysitter, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Judge Dredd, Nine Months, The Scarlet Letter, Johnny Mnemonic, Virtuosity, and 39 more; Higher Notability: Batman Forever, Congo, Judge Dredd, Cutthroat Island, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Showgirls, Stuart Saves His Family, Four Rooms, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Money Train, Tommy Boy, Assassins, Panther, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead, Jefferson in Paris, Hackers, Jade, Canadian Bacon, Just Cause, and 47 more; Lower RT: The Big Green, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Theodore Rex, Delta of Venus, Jury Duty, Born to Be Wild, Top Dog, The Walking Dead, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, It Takes Two, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Bushwhacked, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Fair Game, Canadian Bacon, Vampire in Brooklyn, The Scarlet Letter, Four Rooms, and 18 more; Notes: Probably the weakest for a while in both BMeT and Notability. Got a Friday, December 20, 1996, 8PM premiere on Showtime, and played an astonishing 41 times on television in the 90s. We’ve officially seen 13 of the 20 highest BMeTs for 1995 (and I’ve seen an additional 4 myself). That’s nuts.
RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “Magic in the Water” is innocuous fun, but slow, and not distinguished in the special effects department. And about those two one-armed brothers, who both allegedly lost an arm to Orky: I’ll bet they could find those missing arms if they’d look closely inside their shirts.
(Ha! I do like this review, even though I have a deep suspicion now that Magic in the Water is going to be aggressively boring. Like Jaws for children.)
(Brought to you by Oreo. I’m not joking, in the advertisements for the film in the New York Times it tells the audience to eat America’s favorite cookie: Oreo. So for real, it is. This looks like a Captain Planet episode.)
Directors – Rick Stevenson – ( Known For: Expiration Date; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: As far as directing he’s mostly done single or a few episodes of TV shows over the years. This was his debut.)
Writers – Rick Stevenson – ( Known For: Expiration Date; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Otherwise he wrote and directed some series called Best of the Fest which I think is about showing films that are not well known but good?)
Icel Dobell Massey – ( BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Literally nothing about this person outside of being listed as the co-writer on Variety.)
Ninian Dunnett – (Known For: Restless Natives; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: The writer of the book Restless Natives was based on. I’m going to field a guess that this person wrote an unpublished book or story spec or something and sold it off which is why they don’t really have an IMDb page.)
Actors – Mark Harmon – ( Known For: Natural Born Killers; Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas; Summer School; Freaky Friday; Comes a Horseman; The Last Supper; Beyond the Poseidon Adventure; Weather Girl; Let’s Get Harry; I’ll Remember April; Local Boys; Cold Heaven; Tuareg: The Desert Warrior; Till There Was You; The Amati Girls; Future BMT: Wyatt Earp; Chasing Liberty; The Presidio; Stealing Home; Worth Winning; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Y’all know Mark Harmon … right? You all watch a lot of NCIS? Genuinely a huge 80s movie star, and then he kind of slowly spiraled into television stardom it feels like. Nominated for 2 Emmys for Eleanor and Franklin: The White House Years and a gust spot on The West Wing.)
Harley Jane Kozak – ( Known For: When Harry Met Sally…; Arachnophobia; Parenthood; I Spit on Your Grave: Vengeance Is Mine; The House on Sorority Row; More Beautiful for Having Been Broken; Side Out; The Taking of Beverly Hills; The Lovemaster; Future BMT: Necessary Roughness; All I Want for Christmas; The Favor; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Has written at least four mystery novels and won the Agatha Award for Best First Mystery Novel for Dating Dead Men.)
Joshua Jackson – ( Known For: Ocean’s Eleven; Cruel Intentions; Scream 2; Apt Pupil; Bobby; Andre; Muppets from Space; Shadows in the Sun; Lay the Favorite; Sky; Battle in Seattle; One Week; Lone Star State of Mind; Crooked Hearts; I Love Your Work; The Safety of Objects; Inescapable; Aurora Borealis; Americano; Digger; Future BMT: The Mighty Ducks; D2: The Mighty Ducks; Gossip; Shutter; D3: The Mighty Ducks; Cursed; Racing Stripes; BMT: Urban Legend; The Skulls; Magic in the Water; Notes: Was a child actor (in things like The Might Ducks) and then became something of an actual television star (in things like Fringe). His mother was a casting director.)
(Yeaaaaaaaah. Don’t worry, we didn’t screw up. It does actually qualify. Released to a healthy happy 890 theaters. On September 1, 1995 no less, and then it played on television on September 1, 1997.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 21% (5/24): There might be Magic in the Water during this family-friendly adventure, but precious little of it ended up on the screen.
(People seemed really concerned about the message of this film (which I guess in 1995 was construed as some kind of environmental screed). More hilariously apparently the monster is seen once and looks bad. So that’ll be fun.)
NY Times Short Review: Pacific Northwest sea-monster legend. Genial, but don’t call it magic.
(I kind of like the poster. Having already watched the movie, though, I would be afraid they are stepping mighty close to false advertising. Let’s just say, we never even get close to an actual scene of the animatronic monster in the water. B-)
Tagline(s) – In a small town, on a peaceful lake, a mythical creature is about to surface. (D)
(Too long. Why wouldn’t this just be “a mythical creature is about to surface”? Seems like they added a bunch of words for no reason. It wouldn’t have made it much better, but it’s an odd choice.)
Keyword(s) – canada
Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Terminator Salvation (2009)
Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.7 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 69.0 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994)
BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), … (and many more)
Best Options (daddio): 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 49.2 My Girl 2 (1994), 41.5 Speed Zone (1989), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 37.1 Clifford (1994), 36.8 Desperate Hours (1990), 34.0 Father Hood (1993), 30.3 Who’s Harry Crumb? (1989), 24.6 About My Father (2023), 20.7 Mad City (1997), 20.3 Magic in the Water (1995), 20.0 Art School Confidential (2006), 17.8 Brewster’s Millions (1985)
(This was an incredibly Canada film which is why we chose it. Like it has a bunch of Canadian actors and is set in Canada. Also it looks ridiculous.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Joshua Jackson is No. 2 billed in Magic in the Water and No. 8 billed in Urban Legend, which also stars Alicia Witt (No. 1 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 2 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 8) + (1 + 2) + (3 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch Into the Blue we can get the HoE Number down to 16.
Notes – Early in the movie Ashley is wearing an over-sized powderkegblue (UCLA) football jersey #7. Mark Harmon was the starting UCLA Quarterback – he wore #7.
Film locations included a 163 foot stern-wheeler, the SS Moyie, which seemed a bit unreal for a town with only 800 people living in the area. This vessel was used as “Joe’s Orky Emporium”, a top-heavy tourist attraction that exploits the legend of Orky to the hilt.
The creature Orky was in reality a huge cable operated puppet which required twelve operators to bring him to life.
The role of Josh was based in part on the relationship that developed between writer-producer-director Rick Stevenson and young actor Joshua Jackson while Stevenson was producing and Jackson was starring in Stevenson’s first film ‘Crooked Hearts’ (1991). Jackson said about his role: “I’m on this trip to try and have some relationship with my father, but in reality I’m on the verge of not wanting a father anymore. In Josh’s mind, this trip is one last attempt at bonding with his dad. Then there is the aspect of having a little sister who believes in weird stuff. At first I don’t pay any attention to her. She’s dumb and so are her ideas, but out of pure boredom I start paying attention to her and discover she’s not so bad after all. The minute I let my guard down, she gets me into all kinds of trouble trying to save Orky.”
Mark Harmon’s character was called Jack Black which is the same name as the famous actor, comedian and movie star Jack Black.
Let me take you back to March 19, 1993. TMNT 3 is hitting theaters, but to much less fanfare than the previous entries. While The Secret of the Ooze has Kevin McCallister don a Ninja Turtle mask in an embarrassing advertisement, the third flick wasn’t even the first and biggest advertisement of the day. That would go to Bridget Fonda’s Point of No Return. The TMNT ad is mostly just the poster (although I do like at the bottom where it tells you to pick up the Dell Paperback… don’t mind if I do). The much more interesting part of the NYTimes film section that day is the ad for A Far Off Place, which also features the ad for the last of three Roger Rabbit shorts:
I realize now that I’ve only ever seen the one featured before Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Not surprising since the second featured before Dick Tracy, which I barely remember. A Far Off Place? I don’t remember that film at all. A small, but interesting tidbit is at the bottom of this advertisement it tells you to “Watch the Academy Awards March 29th on ABC” for reasons that elude me.
To recap, the Turtles are back, Jack! Back in time, that is. After April picks up a magic scepter from a flea market, the Turtles are shocked when it inadvertently sends her back in time, bringing a Japanese prince, Kenshin, in her place. Turns out it’s connected to Feudal Japan and Kenshin was in the middle of trying to convince his father to give up his warlording and stop buying weapons from the eeeevil English traders. The Turtles know what they have to do and go back in time themselves, bringing a bunch of warriors back in their place. Fortunately Casey Jones is also back (Jack) and ready to babysit. Back in time, Michelangelo is quickly captured, while the rest of the Turtles just as quickly rescue April and a pointless Casey Jones lookalike. They go off in search of Michelangelo and find him holed up in a rebel village. A fight with the English traders soon ensues and the heroics of the Turtles ingratiate them with the rebels. They spend a bunch of time trying to replicate the scepter, but it’s pointless because really the villagers hid it in hopes that the Turtles would stay and help them fight. Again, pointless, because the Casey Jones lookalike steals it and the Turtles have to chase it back to the warlord’s palace. A fight ensues and the Turtles win (duh). With the scepter in hand they prepare to head home, but a couple of them pointlessly want to stay, but are convinced not to. At this point a pointless thing happens where Michelangelo misses grabbing the scepter and seems to be trapped in time… but then they just use the scepter again and he’s fine. Weird. Anyway, it kind of peters out after that. THE END.
I can forgive The Secret of the Ooze. I can’t really forgive TMNT 3. Everything was downhill in terms of the technological achievement of the turtle suits. By the time you reach the third film Splinter isn’t just relegated to sitting in one spot (which was always the case), but looks like a Chuck E. Cheese robot and the Turtles mouths are horror shows every time they talk. From there the entire concept of the film is one contrived plot point after another. So many pointless things occur just to get to another pointless thing (if you didn’t get that from my synopsis). The only good thing I’ll say is that they did get the Turtles out into the wilderness of Feudal Japan, so that was kind of interesting to see. Oh, and all the films are blessedly short. Unfortunately the film’s shortness couldn’t make up for what was clearly the last legs of the franchise’s cinematic aspirations.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Splinter definitely was hoping that the warriors that were transferred through time to NYC would show up in his sewer naked. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Let me set the scene. Everyone is ready to go back in time to rescue April, but they know that whoever comes through the portal shows up in the clothes the person was wearing that they exchange with. Michelangelo recognizes this and rightly throws on some board shorts and has a bunch ready for the other Turtles to throw on. They don’t wear clothes, after all. But Splinter jumps in to be like “No! I mean… uh stop with this silliness, we don’t have time” and doesn’t allow them to don the board shorts. Of course one warrior shows up wearing Mikey’s board shorts and the rest are (confusedly) just wearing their underwear, which seems to break the rules they laid out for us. I’m sure that perv Splinter was sorely disappointed. Hot Take Temperature: Volcanic heat of Mt. Fuji
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. Shoot. You know what we forgot in the first two films? Racist caricatures of Japanese people! *Looks over at the foot clan* Hmmmmm, nevermind. Let’s go!
By the way, I know that the foot clan in the movies were all street urchin white kids from New York City. I’m not sure that makes it any better.
When I started this film I literally gasped. I’m not joking. They switched up the animatronic faces from the second film from the Henson Company to some other garbage outfit, and they RUINED it. Look what they did to my beautiful boys! They can barely emote. Their mouths move too much, and they have constant creepy rictus grins, and their lips form weird pointed triangle shapes constantly. Horrible. F-. Get it out of my sight!
I can only imagine what the tv show must have been like … hopefully they didn’t even attempt the animatronics and just had the mouths move vaguely up and down instead. (Oh no I just checked and not only is it worse, but there are terrible sound effects and Mikey gives off a serious sex pest vibe slobbering all over Venus De Milo).
It’s actually so bad in this film that they have them cover their mouths with masks for a good chunk of the film. Probably for cost saving and to avoid too much difficult ADR, but it did save me from having to look at their horrible mouths any more than I already had to.
Time travel. The laziest of all options. Bah! Honestly, if they were going to go that route, it would have been far more interesting to have like … Shredder’s ancestor come through the portal into New York City and for the turtles to have to get him back out.
A complete waste of the wonderful subway set they discovered in the second film too. You really only get to hang out with the pretty bad Casey Jones story.
I’ll just leave it with this: I cannot believe that for even a second the Turtles thought: hey, we’ll stay in Feudal Japan and leave some samurai chilling in NYC for eternity. Also, they never ever explain where the prior turtles from the scroll came from. Are we to think that they would come back to Japan again at some point to make that all consistent? Maybe.
Definite Planchet (Who?) for the bumbling evil doer’s assistant, although that could really be its own thing (and might be, I might have mentioned that in a prior Who section). Setting as a Character (Where?) for feudal Japan for sure. And an Exact Date (When?) for 1593 which is mentioned on the poster. A solid MacGuffin Kind Of (Why?) for the magical Japanese torch thing, although we know precisely what it does, it sends people back in time.
Read about my sequel to this film in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Thank god we’re back in the 90’s so I can look at the NYTimes for Secret of the Ooze’s release date, March 22nd, 1991. And let me tell you… film advertisers were going nuts. I’m not talking about the quote at the top of the TMNT2 poster which seems to be protesting a bit too much about how the Turtles are more upbeat (read: less murderous) this time.
Clear reaction to the reviews of the first that were basically like “wait, this is for kids?!” I’m also not talking about this little note on the TMNT2 poster declaring JCPenny the place to be for all things Turtles.
No I’m talking about this Home Alone ad which is just… it’s embarrassing.
I’m embarrassed for you.
To recap, the Turtles are back, Jack! And they are having an existential crisis! That’s because they are just learning a startling secret about the ooze that created them. Bum, bum, bum. While living with April O’Neil they catch wind of her latest story: a (mostly successful) toxic cleanup by the company TGRI. Splinter reveals that this toxic spill is what created the Turtles and they are all like “I thought we were more than just mistakes” and are momentarily sad. They decide to talk to the head scientist there about the ooze. But they aren’t the only ones. That’s right! Shredder is back, Jack! You thought he was crushed by a garbage truck? Right! But he’s still miraculously alive and so are his henchmen. So when the Turtles catch up with the scientist they end up ambushed by the Foot Clan and lose both the last canister of ooze and the scientist. Oh no! The scientist is forced to make a couple of big ol’ mutant monsters, Tokka and Rahzar, with the ooze before being rescued by the turtles. Back in their spiffy new abandoned subway station hideout, they work extra hard producing an antidote to counteract the mutant wolf and snapping turtle super strength. Armed with the antidote, and with the knowledge that Tokka and Rahzar will attack Central Park if they don’t fight them, they engage with the monsters only to be thrown into a Vanilla Ice concert. Vanilla Ice is at first not thrilled, but soon he’s grooving to his new funky tune, the Ninja Rap, all while the turtles fend off Tokka and Rahzar long enough for the antidote to work. Shredder is enraged and uses the last of the ooze to transform into Super Shredder… but for like five seconds before he inadvertently uses his super strength to collapse a dock around him. Idiot. Thus they save the day and the Ninja Rap goes down as the greatest work of art in history. THE END.
This movie is supremely silly… and purposefully so! I rewatched the first film and I appreciated how straightforward and blessedly short the whole affair was. Not to mention just how insane the turtle costumes were. They are amazing. But it’s also a pretty dark film. So it’s clear what they were trying to do with the second one. Bring back the straightforward storyline and short run time, but also make it silly for kids. Mission accomplished. Sure the costumes are starting to look a little less good this time (presumably because they must have cost a fortune), but still, it seems like this is exactly what they wanted. Is it exactly what I wanted? I mean, not entirely. It’s quite stupid and the ending is an extended mistake, but still… is it wrong that I didn’t mind most of it? There’s a reason why I remembered this one better than the first one.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Shredder didn’t die. Like come on. He got straight murdered by Casey Jones in a horrific garbage truck crushing event and yet he just rises up no prob in time for this film. So you think a little dock falling on him (and a super version of him no less) is going to take him out this time? Fat chance. That guy is still alive and only doesn’t show up in the third film because he has realized that being a bad guy is no fun. You get crushed constantly by being a bad guy. So my theory is that he has reformed his ways and is now working a 9-to-5 in the big city just trying to find his way. Is anyone else smelling a fish-out-of-water sitcom a-brewin’? Shred and the City. Hot Take Temperature: A piping hot slice of NYC za.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze? This is one secret I’ll never be able to keep. Let’s go!
I think this might be the first movie where I actively went from “this is awesome, the pinnacle of cinema. I love movies!” to “Oh wait … is this movie bad?” while growing up. I distinctly remember getting all the toys at a birthday party (at the bowling alley I think?), and then I also distinctly remember watching it a thousand times, and then finally I distinctly remember thinking “huh this movie seems not well made” only a few years later.
Oh yeah, I’ve seen this film one million times. I loved it. I kind of still do.
Really the only unforgivable sin of the film is eliminating (for whatever reason, possibly his choice) Casey Jones and replacing him with a new human helper guy. I live the semi-ninja they have in this one, but Casey Jones was a solid addition and it is kind of amazing that they had him in the first film.
Obviously the giant new mutants are an abomination. And the effects are decidedly worse than in the first film (although not by much, probably a result of attempting to fit all the robotics directly into the turtle heads instead of using the shells). Really, rather sad they didn’t just go with Bebop and Rocksteady in this one, and then go full Krang in the third. Would have really been a neat little trilogy in that case.
I should talk a bit about the first film: I forgot how serious it is. There was a whole section where Raphael almost died. They all seem stunned when he wakes up. The interlude at the farmhouse plays like an 80s drama. It is weird and wild stuff and yet it pretty much works. Genuinely incredible what they pulled off there.
This one not so much. Still kind of love it. The Vanilla Ice music video at the end was ironically the greatest thing in the history of film (still is).
I’m going to give Keno a rare Planchet (Who?) award for kind of screwing things up and vaguely being made fun of during the film. As usual, I believe the Turtles have an exclusive Product Placement (What?) deal with Dominos. We are still in New York City for Setting as a Character (Where?) (for now…). Obviously this is an A+ MacGuffin (Why?) for the ooze which holds a secret we never quite find out, but everyone really wants it and it is a big thing driving the entire story. It is right there in the title! And why not, let’s give it a Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal of your kids’ favorite new toy: Super Shredder! This is closest to BMT for sure, it is very very silly nonsense from front to back.
Read about my secret Casey Jones spinoff film in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Bad Movie Twins 