Assssssasssssssins. Assssasssssins. I wonder if there is a famous assssssasssssin I should learn about. Let’s go!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Like a Rolling Stone (by The Rolling Stones) was on the soundtrack for Assassins. They had many hits over the years, but this 1968 song that hit number three on the Billboard Top 100 charts shares a name with a Whoopi Goldberg film. What is it?
2) They also play an opera from Puccini, in particular a song from Gianni Schicchi. His four most well-known operas are Tosca (1900), Madama Butterfly (1904), and Turandot (1924) and a 1986 opera that was later (roughly) adapted into a hugely successful Broadway musical. Name both.
3) Speaking of Assassins, there are many in the long history of the United States. Carl Weiss was the assassin of this Governor of Louisiana who was the templates for the character of Willie Stark in the book All the King’s Men. Name that political figure.
4) The film partially takes place in Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico became U.S. territory in 1898 after the Spanish-American War. As part of the Treaty of Paris of 1898 Spain made Cuba a protectorate of the U.S., and ceded Puerto Rico and what two other territories?
5) Sylvester Stallone has been nominated for three Academy Awards in his long career (he didn’t win any of them). Name the movies and awards he was nominated for.
Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: On October 12, 1996 Assassins played Primetime on HBO and was one of the highlighted programs of the New York Times listings. It would go head to head with this film on TMC (hint: It’s a western):
Jamie leaves the kitchen and gasps. Samantha is sitting at the dinner table and she’s beautiful. His hands would be shaking so hard that he would be worried he’d drop the first course of their 2003 Celtics themed dinner… that is if he were actually holding the platter. Patrick and Kyle each have one of their arms looped under Jamie’s armpits. It’s how they cooked the entire meal given just how love sick Jamie was. “You look beautiful,” Patrick whispers, crouching behind him, trying to guide him through the presentation. “You look… b…bountiful,” Jamie stammers and Samantha giggles. “Here is our first course,” Kyle whispers, but this time Jamie doesn’t even attempt to say the words. Kyle slowly reaches his hand around Jamie’s face and smears some peanut butter on his lips. While Jamie smacks and licks, trying to clear the delicious peanut buttery goodness away, Kyle quickly ventriloquizes “Here is our first course.” Just three additional applications of peanut butter later and they’ve finally complimented Samantha again and gotten the food on the table, not that Jamie will have any hope of enjoying it given that his appetite has now been ruined. “So tell me what this dish represents?” Samantha helpfully coaxes. “Ahem,” Jamie begins, finally on a subject he’s more comfortable with (as opposed to the most dangerous subject… love). “This is a PB&J sandwich. That’s the double headed dragon of Paul Pierce and Ricky ‘Buckets’ Davis combined with the shot that everyone is jelly of, Jiri Welsch’s Grape Jelly slamma jamma.” Samantha claps at his enthusiasm and even Patrick can’t help but smile a little. It was all absurd, but it appeared to be working. Jamie holds up his hand. He’s not finished. “I call it… the Assassins.” That’s right! We are finally watching one of the few missing pieces of the Sly Stallone puzzle that is our life. This one costars Antonio Banderas and we should be arrested for never having seen it. Let’s go!
Assassins (1995) – BMeTric: 24.0; Notability: 55
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 18.4%; Notability: top 4.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 11.0%; Higher BMeT: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls, Jury Duty, Congo, Theodore Rex, The Babysitter, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Judge Dredd, Nine Months, The Scarlet Letter, Johnny Mnemonic, Virtuosity, Jade, Man of the House, and 26 more; Higher Notability: Congo, Judge Dredd, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Showgirls, Money Train, Stuart Saves His Family, Four Rooms, Steal Big Steal Little, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead; Lower RT: The Big Green, Jury Duty, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Theodore Rex, Top Dog, Delta of Venus, Born to Be Wild, A Pyromaniac’s Love Story, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, It Takes Two, The Tie That Binds, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Four Rooms, The Scarlet Letter, Man of the House, Moonlight and Valentino, and 7 more; Notes: Played 30 times on television which is solid, and that Notability is quite good. Anyways, we’ve seen 12/20 for the top BMeT which is pretty solid. Is 1995 an incredible bad movie year? Seems like it.
RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – Believe me, I know how to believe stuff when it happens in the movies. I believe bicycles can fly. I believe sharks can eat boats. I even believe pigs can talk. But I do not believe “Assassins,” because this movie is filled with such preposterous impossibilities that Forrest Gump could have improved it with a quick rewrite.
(What does the Forrest Gump thing mean? I guess he’s dumb and so even a dumb person could improve the script? Weird nonetheless.)
(Assassins baby! Back in the day I remember my brothers went to see it and then came back describing the gun in the arm cast (which is near to the beginning of the film). I hate saddo Stallone though. Luckily Banderas is on one and salvages the film a bit.)
Directors – Richard Donner – ( Known For: The Goonies; Lethal Weapon; Lethal Weapon 2; Superman; Lethal Weapon 3; Lethal Weapon 4; The Omen; 16 Blocks; Maverick; Scrooged; Conspiracy Theory; Ladyhawke; Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut; Inside Moves; London Affair; Salt and Pepper; X-15; Future BMT: The Toy; Radio Flyer; BMT: Assassins; Timeline; Notes: He retired after 16 Blocks and died only a few years ago at 91. The Goonies and Superman are both in the National Film Registry.)
Writers – Lilly Wachowski – ( Known For: The Matrix; V for Vendetta; The Matrix Reloaded; Cloud Atlas; The Matrix Resurrections; Speed Racer; Bound; Future BMT: The Matrix Revolutions; BMT: Jupiter Ascending; Assassins; Notes: Apparently their script was effectively not used for this film and completely rewritten. They failed to get their names removed.)
Lana Wachowski – ( Known For: The Matrix; V for Vendetta; The Matrix Reloaded; Cloud Atlas; The Matrix Resurrections; Speed Racer; Bound; Future BMT: The Matrix Revolutions; BMT: Jupiter Ascending; Assassins; Notes: Their directing career appears to be mostly over after the back-to-back releases of Jupiter Ascending and the somewhat disappointing Matrix: Resurrections.)
Brian Helgeland – ( Known For: L.A. Confidential; Mystic River; Robin Hood; The Taking of Pelham 123; Legend; A Knight’s Tale; Payback; Green Zone; Conspiracy Theory; 42; Spenser Confidential; A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master; Blood Work; Finestkind; 976-EVIL; Highway to Hell; The Killer; 976-Evil II; Future BMT: Man on Fire; Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant; The Order; BMT: Assassins; The Postman; Notes: He won an Oscar for writing L.A. Confidential, and was nominated for another for Mystic River. Those were both after completely rewriting this film. Amazing.)
Actors – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Rocky; Men in Black; The Suicide Squad; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Creed; First Blood; Escape Plan; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky IV; Rocky III; Antz; Creed II; Cliffhanger; Cop Land; M*A*S*H; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Future BMT: Rocky V; Staying Alive; Ratchet & Clank; BMT: Rambo; The Expendables 3; Demolition Man; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Rambo III; Judge Dredd; Tango & Cash; Rambo: Last Blood; Assassins; Cobra; Daylight; The Specialist; Zookeeper; Grudge Match; Over the Top; Lock Up; Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; The Expendables 4; Driven; Get Carter; Oscar; Rhinestone; Notes: Y’all know Sly. Incredible. We have plans to watch Rocky V this year and then Staying Alive early next year which means we’ll be only a Ratchet & Clank away from completing Sly’s BMT filmography … b-b-b-b-b-b-but what are we going to do about Stallone Day!)
Antonio Banderas – ( Known For: Shrek 2; Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles; Shrek the Third; Uncharted; Philadelphia; Shrek Forever After; Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny; The Mask of Zorro; Desperado; Puss in Boots; Puss in Boots: The Last Wish; Once Upon a Time in Mexico; The Skin I Live In; Spy Kids; Four Rooms; Ruby Sparks; Frida; Haywire; Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Future BMT: The Legend of Zorro; Machete Kills; Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World; Life Itself; Play It to the Bone; BMT: The Expendables 3; The 13th Warrior; Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; Assassins; Dolittle; Original Sin; Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever; Never Talk to Strangers; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Pain and Glory in 2020. I just finished watching all of the Shrek films (and the spin-offs) … animated franchises are wild man. They really are kind of nothing. The second Puss in Boots being the best movie of the bunch was a surprise though, it at least has interesting animation.)
Julianne Moore – ( Known For: The Big Lebowski; Crazy, Stupid, Love.; Children of Men; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; The Lost World: Jurassic Park; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; Kingsman: The Golden Circle; Magnolia; The Fugitive; Boogie Nights; Non-Stop; Don Jon; Carrie; Still Alice; The Hours; Evolution; The Kids Are All Right; A Single Man; The Woman in the Window; Chloe; Future BMT: Hannibal; Eagle Eye; Next; The Forgotten; Suburbicon; Laws of Attraction; Dear Evan Hansen; Freedomland; Roommates; The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag; BMT: Assassins; Seventh Son; Nine Months; Body of Evidence; The Ladies Man; Notes: Nominated for five Oscars (Boogie Nights, The End of the Affair, The Hours, Far From Heaven, and finally winning for Still Alice). I cannot believe how many more films we have for BMT for her … she does do some weird stuff (like Assassins).)
(Disastrous naturally. Sly really was struggling to transition to his late career at this point. He really should have started writing again at this point and probably looking to direct a young actor or something. Instead he made Driven.)
(Nice I get to think through a consensus. Donner fails to provide any action to what appears to be a more contemplative actioner in the Sly oeuvre. That does seem to be the main complaint, just too much dead air.)
Reviewer Highlight: A not-much-fun high-tech actioner. – Jonathan Taylor, Variety
(I find the inclusion of the brick and concrete walls to be so insane that I love it. A+++++ that’s really like a C-. The font is horrible.)
Tagline(s) – In the shadows of life, In the business of death, One man found a reason to live… (D)
(This is so amazing that you would think I would have written it as a joke. It’s like a perfect: this is what a tagline is, right? Kind of tagline. Like gotta have those three things. Life. Death. Uh… Life. Can I make this any longer? YOLO.)
Keyword(s) – 1991-1999
Top 10: Armageddon (1998), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Hook (1991), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), Big Daddy (1999), Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995), Godzilla (1998), Event Horizon (1997), Demolition Man (1993)
Future BMT: 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.4 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.3 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 67.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.1 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.0 Mr. Nanny (1993), 63.5 Showgirls (1995), 61.7 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.5 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.1 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.4 The Mangler (1995), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 59.7 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 59.5 Jury Duty (1995), 58.1 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 57.9 Holy Man (1998)
BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), The Avengers (1998), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), Barb Wire (1996), Kazaam (1996), Super Mario Bros. (1993), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Jason Goes to Hell (1993), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992), Steel (1997), Bio-Dome (1996), Striptease (1996), Species II (1998), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Wild Wild West (1999), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Double Dragon (1994), Anaconda (1997), It’s Pat: The Movie (1994), Cool as Ice (1991), Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1995), Wing Commander (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), On Deadly Ground (1994), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Dudley Do-Right (1999), Double Team (1997), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Ed (1996), The Flintstones (1994), The Haunting (1999), Leprechaun (1993), Bats (1999), Fair Game (1995), Cool World (1992), Body of Evidence (1993), Problem Child 2 (1991), …
Best Options (Action): 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 72.3 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 67.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.1 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.0 Mr. Nanny (1993), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 57.1 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994), 54.1 Spy Hard (1996), 53.0 McHale’s Navy (1997), 52.3 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1995), 51.5 Kull the Conqueror (1997), 50.4 3 Ninjas (1992), …, 24.0 Assassins (1995), ….
(I’m stunned at how low that BMeTric is. But then again, I guess people love Sly? Spawn is the obvious one we could have done. Spoiler: We’re still going to do it.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 9) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Sylvester Stallone is No. 1 billed in Assassins and No. 2 billed in The Expendables 4, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 9. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 8.
Notes – During production, Brian Helgeland was brought in to rewrite the script. The Wachowskis, unsatisfied with the rewrites, petitioned to have their names removed from the credits, but were denied this request by the WGA.
Sylvester Stallone’s paycheck was $15 million.
When Miguel Bain is arrested by the police after the cemetery shoot-out and being driven in the back of a police car, as the cops are inspecting his weapons he says “Cuidado con las armas, que las carga el diablo”. This roughly translates to: “Be careful with the guns, they were loaded by the devil”.
Electra’s cat seen in the film is a Maine Coon. The same cat appears in the film The Specialist (1994), also starring Sylvester Stallone.
Richard Donner claims the film would have worked better if he swapped Sylvester Stallone and Antonio Banderas.
Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Sylvester Stallone)
Cooooohh-llateral. I can’t help but say it that way in my head whenever I think about this movie (which is often). The reason is a bit funny. One of our brothers was in college and we were talking with him on the phone and he said that he was going to do a double feature at the movies (maybe it was bad weather… or maybe he was hungover… or maybe none of this memory is accurate). As I recall he was rubbing his hands together contemplating the beauty of a Rollerball-Collateral Damage back-to-back-jack afternoon. Anyway, when he described this delectable treat he continually extended the Coooooooohh in Collateral Damage. Again, I can’t recall how accurate this might be. But does it matter? Fake, real, it all ends in Cooooohhhhhhh-llateral.
To recap, Gordy is a firefighter just loving life and loving his family. Nothing could go wrong in his perfect life, right? Wrong. That’s because El Lobo (The Wolf for all those that don’t habla espanol) strikes LA and Gordy’s wife and child are caught in the blast (eeesh). The police are like “cool it” but Gordy will not cool it. He’s not cool AT ALL and travels to Colombia to get El Lobo. A CIA agent, Brandt, is also not cool AT ALL and before the government can pull operations he sets up a big raid to try to take down El Lobo as well. When Gordy arrives in Colombia he is immediately arrested like a dope, but not before saving a little boy from an accident. I’m sure that won’t be relevant. He is then able to escape prison and uses a fellow prisoner to get a fake work pass for one of El Lobo’s facilities. He goes there, rigs up a bunch of bombs, and blows it sky high. Unfortunately he is captured and it looks like he’s going to be killed until the mother of the kid he saved stops El Lobo from killing him (wow, how convenient). He is held prisoner by the group, but when Brandt stages a raid on the compound he is able to escape with the woman and the child. They all travel back to the US to try to stop the next attack on DC. The woman helps them track the terrorists and foil the plan, but in the process Gordy realizes it’s all a ruse and foils the real plan. He goes after the woman who turns out to be the real El Lobo (what a twist!) and a battle ensues. After some sweet ax combat and explosions and shit Gordy, who is honestly built like Mr. Universe or something, is able to foil the last plan (I promise). Ultimately everyone is pretty happy that Gordy saved the day and they reward him with custody of that small child he’s been toting across the globe. THE END.
There is always a temptation to be like “boy they should go back to how things were done in the 90’s and make good action flicks again.” The argument has merit, but sometimes you gotta check yourself before you wreck yourself. Sometimes when you do that you end up making Collateral Damage which should be titled Collateral Boring, am I right? For all the explosions and junk the whole venture is quite dull. I’m really not even sure what would zazz it up a bit… maybe Rob Schneider? It’s difficult to say. Probably they just needed someone younger and hungrier to take on the script. When an action star ages, there is the temptation to go full contemplative. That they hate the violence and the life that their big muscles have forced them into. They mumble about how sad it all is that they have to shoot and punch all these people. Sly Stallone does this contemplative turn the best in things like Get Carter, but we have it here too with Arnold. You know what? I think a really bonkers bad guy would have done this wonders. That’s my solution. Because I just wasn’t that entertained.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m going to say it… Gordy would simply not be awarded that child in the end. That is a small child who has been brought from Colombia. He is a Colombian citizen. You don’t get custody of a kid by calling dibs. Also, Gordy just demonstrated some crazy risky behavior. I’m not sure throwing everything away to accomplish several extrajudicial bombings on foreign soil demonstrates the stable and nurturing atmosphere that this child needs. ALSO, this is the child of the people responsible for killing his wife and kid… no one seeing an issue with that? We’re all cool with that home situation? Hot Take Temperature: Exploding Toy Dinosaur.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Hmmm Extreme Damage? Nah … Explosive Damage? Naw … Collateral Damage?! That’s it. Let’s go!
Top line: In a way this is an okay movie stuck in the wrong time. The bad guy espousing the inability for the American people to understand the struggle of a people in the context of a global struggle to survive … released a year after 9/11. This is entirely by accident, but does come across as completely tone deaf.
What I remember about this film from the time it came out was that it was the last major Arnold release of the time. He would become Governor of California the next year and his career would be on hiatus during that time (obviously). I also remember the trailer and making fun of it because it seemed very silly … but then I also remember being excited for a new Arnold film as a teenager and then it came out and sucked and bombed. So there we go.
Arnold is his usual self with barely any acting chops, but somehow the film comes across as dour and he is a sad dad Arnold dad and ends up lacking his usual charm.
The twist at the end is pretty nutso. They inexplicably bring the wife of the terrorist to the U.S. where it turns out she is the actual mastermind and has infiltrated the counter terrorism headquarters and almost blows everyone to smithereens? That would be one boneheaded move by Arnold if he hadn’t also saved the day.
Bottom line: This movie mostly sucks. The action sucks, the acting sucks, and the premise sucks … and yet. For mindless action it is pretty hard to screw things up so badly you don’t at least appreciate the beginning and ending set pieces. If only they could have figured out something to do in the middle …
And no, wandering around Colombia shopping for Colombian orphans doesn’t count. And I know he wasn’t an orphan … yet. He was once Arnold killed his ‘rents though. Problem solved.
A solid South American Setting as a Character (Where?) for the dystopian vision of Colombia. I don’t think I’ll throw a MacGuffin in for the generic revenge angle at all. But definitely a Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that Selena is in on it and trying to blow up the State Department. I think this movie is Bad in the end, I don’t think I would recommend it as an action film and it isn’t entertaining enough as an action film or an Arnold film to work.
I’ll leave it short. Check out the television spin off series in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this. I was meeting my wife and child in a cafe when BOOM there was a totally big explosion. Lucky for me my wife hates my guts, so they blew me off anyways and is totally safe and sound. Unlucky for me, the blast gave me an absolutely massive concussion, and I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Collateral Damage?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) When Gordon Brewer goes to see his wife and child at a restaurant he meets El Lobo face-to-face. What disguise is El Lobo wearing?
2) Well, now Gordon really needs to get at El Lobo, who has killed his fambly. Where is El Lobo, what country?
3) Once Gordon gets there though he is immediately captured. He talked with Sean Armstrong, a Canadian national who works among the rebels. Gordon convinces Sean to give him a work permit so he can go behind enemy lines acting as a what?
4) Once back in the States Gordon is helping the CIA and FBI to foil the next major attack by El Lobo. Where do they think he is going to attack, and where is he going to attack really?
5) What form does the bomb intended to blow up the target take?
Bonus Question: Just as I’m leaving the showing of Collateral Damage I get a frantic phone call from my agent. What does he want?
Lesson #3 is pretty simple as far as Patrick is concerned: there’s nothing that a nice cologne can’t mask, including the stench left over from their comments about Scott Bakula’s funeral mishap. So where better to start than his favorite cologne shop in grand Paris. He greets the owner, Pierre, warmly and asks what big time celeb he might have made smell great recently. “A perfumer never sprays and brays,” he says and Patrick smiles, secretly stewing that he didn’t come up with that himself. “So this is the man of the hour,” Pierre continues, looking at Jamie. “I feel like I have just the scent for…” but before he can finish something has caught Jamie’s eye. “Ooo, this one is Wild Hog Musk,” Jamie says, bending down to read the label closer, “guaranteed to bring the wild hogs running.” He notes to Patrick how funny it is that “wild hogs” isn’t capitalized in the tagline, but if he gets to smell like Tim Allen then sign him up. Pierre’s eyes widen as he realizes the common and understandable mistake that Jamie has made. Before he can stop him, though, the damage is done… literally. With one whiff of the wild hog musk the store is soon overrun with horrifyingly large hogs, all of which have only one thing on their mind: Jamie’s bodacious bod and its lovely hoggy musk. Hours later, after fending off the last of the hogs, Pierre looks around his store sadly. “This is, of course, the risk you take carrying such things in the store,” he says, “the collateral damage for me is my store. For you, though, it’s just your time,” and with that he taps a sign that explains that any musk mistakes must be paid back in time spent working for Pierre. That’s right! The collateral damage of watching Collateral Damage starring Arnold Schwarzeneggar is also just our time. Sigh. Let’s go!
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 11.2%; Notability: top 1.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 15.9%; Higher BMeT: Crossroads, Halloween: Resurrection, Rollerball, The Master of Disguise, Feardotcom, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Half Past Dead, Boat Trip, Derailed, The Sweetest Thing, Scooby-Doo, They, Full Frontal, The Truth About Charlie, Queen of the Damned, Vampires: Los Muertos, Swimfan, Snow Dogs, Maid in Manhattan, and 8 more; Higher Notability: Men in Black II, Scooby-Doo, The Time Machine, Star Trek: Nemesis; Lower RT: Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Killing Me Softly, Derailed, Try Seventeen, Hard Cash, The Master of Disguise, Deuces Wild, Feardotcom, Rollerball, Half Past Dead, Serving Sara, Darkness, New Best Friend, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Boat Trip, The New Guy, Dragonfly, Stealing Harvard, Juwanna Mann, Halloween: Resurrection, and 19 more; Notes: I love that gaudy Notability. We still have three of those to go. Then 11/20 for BMeT, although the top 8 we’ve done. What is that, like 50 films with sub-20% in 2002. Sigh.
RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – “Collateral Damage” is a relic from an earlier (if not kinder and gentler) time, a movie about terrorism made before terrorists became the subject of our national discourse. “You Americans are so naive,” says the movie’s terrorist villain. “You see a peasant with a gun, you change the channel. But you never ask why a peasant needs a gun.” Well, we still don’t wonder why the peasant needs the gun (we think we should have the gun), but we’re not so naive anymore.
(Interesting. Quite a high rating for what is kind of the movie that marked the end of Arnold’s action career. And yeah, the proximity to 9/11 was a very specific issue with this film.)
(Looks pretty rad if I’m being honest … unfortunately I don’t think this trailer is being entirely honest. It makes it seems like he’s going to go and chase down this guy and blow up and village and junk and kill him. WRONG. That isn’t the plot of this film. The plot of this film is unfortunately more boring. This trailer is pretty good though, I would watch that movie if it existed.)
Directors – Andrew Davis – ( Known For: The Fugitive; Holes; Under Siege; A Perfect Murder; Above the Law; The Package; Code of Silence; The Final Terror; Stony Island; Future BMT: Chain Reaction; Steal Big Steal Little; BMT: The Guardian; Collateral Damage; Notes: He has two upcoming projects … something tells me that given his last film was 2006 that is incorrect. Wrote a little movie called Steal Big Steal Little featuring Andy Garcia playing twin brothers.)
Writers – Ronald Roose – ( Known For: The Hessen Conspiracy; BMT: Collateral Damage; Notes: Do yourself a favor and go look at the poster for The Hessen Conspiracy. Just … one word: Billy Zane.)
David Griffiths – ( Known For: The Portrait; Future BMT: The Hunted; BMT: Collateral Damage; Notes: He was a VP at Goldman Sachs and was a founder of a software company. It seems that he then went back to UCLA with his brother to become a screenwriter.)
Peter Griffiths – ( Future BMT: The Hunted; BMT: Collateral Damage; Notes: I think he retired because David now writes by himself.)
Actors – Arnold Schwarzenegger – ( Known For: Terminator 2: Judgment Day; The Terminator; Predator; Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines; The Expendables; Total Recall; The Expendables 2; True Lies; Escape Plan; Terminator: Dark Fate; Commando; The Running Man; Last Action Hero; Kindergarten Cop; Conan the Barbarian; The Last Stand; The Rundown; Twins; The 6th Day; Red Heat; Future BMT: Terminator Genisys; End of Days; Junior; BMT: Batman & Robin; The Expendables 3; Eraser; Jingle All the Way; Around the World in 80 Days; Conan the Destroyer; Collateral Damage; Sabotage; Red Sonja; Raw Deal; Notes: Won an Emmy for producing a documentary. Was governor of California from 2004 to 2011. This is our 10th Arnold film, only three more to go as well.)
John Leguizamo – ( Known For: John Wick; Ice Age; John Wick: Chapter 2; The Menu; Die Hard 2; Moulin Rouge!; Ice Age: The Meltdown; Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs; Encanto; The Lincoln Lawyer; Romeo + Juliet; Carlito’s Way; Chef; Doctor Dolittle; Land of the Dead; Violent Night; American Ultra; Assault on Precinct 13; The Infiltrator; Sisters; Future BMT: Kick-Ass 2; Ice Age: Continental Drift; The Counselor; Ice Age: Collision Course; Spawn; The Fan; Out for Justice; Love in the Time of Cholera; Revenge; Miracle at St. Anna; What’s the Worst That Could Happen?; Playing with Fire; Walking with Dinosaurs 3D; The Pest; Empire; The Honeymooners; Whispers in the Dark; BMT: The Happening; Gamer; Ride Along; Repo Men; Righteous Kill; Collateral Damage; Super Mario Bros.; One for the Money; Notes: Leguizamo has been in 25 BMT films, my god. Won an Emmy for a comedy special, and nominated twice for supporting acting. I didn’t realize he was Bruno in Encanto, that’s interesting.)
Francesca Neri – ( Known For: Live Flesh; Captain America; The Ages of Lulu; The Rich, the Pauper and the Butler; Pensavo fosse amore… invece era un calesse; Una famiglia perfetta; Giovanna’s Father; Outrage; Al lupo al lupo; Ginostra; Sud; Flight of the Innocent; A Dinner for Them to Meet; Il siero della vanità; A Second Childhood; Il cielo è sempre più blu; Io amo Andrea; Ivo il tardivo; La mia generazione; La felicità non costa niente; Future BMT: Hannibal; BMT: Collateral Damage; Notes: Italian and indeed, she mostly has acted in Italy, even after breaking into American films … oh and yeah, that Captain America is the shit one from 1990.)
(That … yeah, that’s terrible, but it isn’t really totally its fault. I was supposed to come out on like literally 9/11, so it was pushed to 2002 and I don’t think people had the appetite for it at that point.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 19% (27/142): Despite its timely subject matter, Collateral Damage is an unexceptional and formulaic action thriller.
(Timely was kind of the problem lol. People didn’t want to fret over whether Arnold was going to stop the terrorists from [checks notes] … blowing up a building. Great.)
Reviewer Highlight: An exhausted rehash of Mr. Schwarzenegger breaking through red tape to struggle against his nemesis of the moment. – Elvis Mitchell, New York Times
(a.k.a. Explosion Face. The only thing I can really say that is good about this is that it’s got a warm glow to it because of all the fire on the poster… just so much fire. That font makes me sad. C-)
Tagline(s) – Nothing is more dangerous than a man with nothing to lose (D)
(Is it over yet? That’s boring. That’s long. That’s boring and long. Think to yourself just how many movies that could be the tagline for.)
Keyword(s) – 1999-2007
Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), The Butterfly Effect (2004), The Da Vinci Code (2006), The Fast and the Furious (2001), Men in Black II (2002), Man on Fire (2004), Click (2006), Pearl Harbor (2001), Fantastic Four (2005), The Island (2005)
Future BMT: 93.5 Date Movie (2006), 90.0 House of the Dead (2003), 88.9 BloodRayne (2005), 87.1 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.8 The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000), 81.4 You Got Served (2004), 79.3 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.1 Boogeyman (2005), 78.0 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 77.8 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 72.6 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 72.2 Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003), 72.1 Zoom (2006), 71.1 Soul Plane (2004), 70.6 The Shaggy Dog (2006), 70.3 Delta Farce (2007), 69.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 69.2 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006)
BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), Gigli (2003), Alone in the Dark (2005), The Wicker Man (2006), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Norbit (2007), The Master of Disguise (2002), I Know Who Killed Me (2007), Glitter (2001), Ultraviolet (2006), Bratz (2007), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Dragon Wars: D-War (2007), Feardotcom (2002), The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002), Jason X (2001), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Torque (2004), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Material Girls (2006), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Little Man (2006), Basic Instinct 2 (2006), Taxi (2004), Elektra (2005), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), A Sound of Thunder (2005), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), …
Best Options (Action): 90.0 House of the Dead (2003), 88.9 BloodRayne (2005), 87.1 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 72.1 Zoom (2006), 70.3 Delta Farce (2007), 68.9 Crossover (2006), 67.6 Thunderbirds (2004), 65.7 Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004), 63.8 Underdog (2007), 63.6 Skinwalkers (2006), 60.8 See No Evil (2006), 60.8 The Mod Squad (1999), 60.3 Biker Boyz (2003), 59.8 Agent Cody Banks (2003), 50.9 The Core (2003), 50.4 The Last Legion (2007), 50.1 Collateral Damage (2002), …
(Hey, 50+ that’s something. This is a true huge blockbuster action though, we couldn’t pass it up. I think Crossover is pretty intriguing, as is Biker Boyz. Those would have been the others I would be interested in. I’ve seen the Core a number of times, so we’ll eventually do that, but it isn’t pressing.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Arnold Schwarzenegger is No. 1 billed in Collateral Damage and No. 5 billed in The Expendables 3, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 5) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 13. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Notes – The movie was supposed to include the famous Colombian actress Sofía Vergara, who played an airplane hijacker. But after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attack, the scene where Vergara would hijack a plane was scratched from the movie. Moreover, scenes which might be considered unpatriotic have been excluded.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is never shown firing a gun on screen.
The film was originally scheduled to be released on October 5, 2001, but it was postponed due to its terrorism theme and eventually released on Friday, February 8, 2002.
After the terrorist attacks on the USA of 11 September 2001, Warner Bros. pulled all advertising of the film which had included a mock newspaper clipping alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face featuring the word “bombing” and the tagline “What would you do if you lost everything?” and its Collateral Damage (2002) movie website that had included a game called “Hunting for the Wolf”. When the film was finally released in 2002, the film’s poster was revamped with shot of an explosion due to the U.S. subsequent invasion of Afghanistan in the background of Arnold’s face in the foreground and the film’s original tagline missing. The website was completely revamped with nothing but production stills, bios, the film’s synopsis, and cast and crew material. The games and other material that had been on the original version of the website were completely eliminated.
In an interview on Howard Stern in 2014, actor Bill Hader admits to being Arnold Schwarzenegger’s production assistant (PA) on Collateral Damage, although he was uncredited in the film.
It should come as no surprise that when confronted with back-to-back bonus weeks involving the Dumb and Dumber franchise and the Taken franchise that we chose to double up on D&D and save Taken 3 for another time. As Jack from Lost would say, “We have to go back.” Mild spoiler here, but what a mistake! Not that Taken 2 is such an amazing BMT film that adding Taken 3 to the mix would have elevated the art of bad movie watching to new heights. And not that the Dumb and Dumber franchise was such a swing and miss from a BMT perspective. It’s more that after watching Taken 2 I thought to myself “ah yes, there is an obvious conclusion to this cohesive and yet diminishing tale. Let me take a look at the Wikipedia page and confirm.” At that point, once I read the barest details about Taken 3’s plot, my eyes bugged out of my head like a cartoon. It sounds totally insane and not at all what I expected. But that’s a tale for another day.
To recap, Taken in back, Jack! And boy does Bryan have a particular set of skills. Those skills? Being a great dad, awwww. His ex-wife Lennie is having trouble with her new husband, his daughter has a new boyfriend, and she’s trying to get her driver’s license. So everyone is vibing and Bryan invites them to Istanbul to get their groove back. Meanwhile an Albanian mobster rues the fact that Bryan killed his whole family so he decides to kill him in exchange. Back to Istanbul where Bryan is showing Kim around and explaining how he learned so much about the city from a book… so that’s his particular set of skills: reading. Ultimately, he and Lennie are captured while out at a bazaar, but Kim is able to hide with the help of her dad. Bryan tracks where he’s going and ends up being able to call Kim. He helps her very accurately find out where he is hidden and when she finds the location he has her drop a gun down to him. With that he is able to escape and save Kim, but Lennie is taken away to a different location. Bryan and Kim drive to the US Embassy where Kim is hidden away before Bryan uses his super reading brain to retrace his steps and find the mobster’s HQ. He kills everyone and when confronting the Big Bad he gives the guy a choice: leave them alone and live or don’t and die. The guy decides to not leave him alone and so Bryan kills him. This seems to be no problem for anyone and he heads on back home where Kim gets her license and they all meet her boyfriend over milkshakes while Lennie’s new husband is probably somewhere being sad. THE END.
Hahaha! Taken 2! And apparently this isn’t as crazy as it gets! The film starts exactly like you would expect. It’s perfect. Albanian thugs descend on Turkey and take his whole family hostage this time. I’m on board. More Taken, please (says Franchise Man). But once our boy Bryan is taken and Kim is left to pinpoint his location and save the day we descend close to a parody. Patrick took a screenshot of how Kim is meant to have pinpointed his location and it’s so wrong that you can’t help but laugh. Then when Bryan has to track down his wife at the mobster’s HQ it’s like you are watching an episode of The Mentalist or something where he uses his super brain and reading skillz to retrace his way through the streets of Istanbul. It’s absurd. So absurd that I assumed the third film also qualified for BMT because it is more of the same… from what I gather I’m so, so wrong. So I guess I’ll say that I enjoyed the absurd moments that this gave me. The rest was just a fine Taken movie. I wish it were more absurd, but that’ll have to wait for the next one.
Hot Take Clam Bake! So in the beginning of the film you see Bryan cleaning his car at the carwash. The attendant is like “yo, we can do that,” but Bryan knows exactly how he likes his car. Why? Cause HE IS THE CAR WASH ATTENDANT. That’s right, the Taken series is just the delusions of a saddo. His ex-wife is living it up with her rich husband. He never sees his daughter. So he dreams… dreams of his daughter appreciating his help prepping for the driver’s test. Dreams of racing to the embassy to save his daughter. Dreams of retracing the steps he remembers from when the baddies drove him to their HQ. Notice a theme? Cars. All involve cars. Why? Because he’s a car wash attendant and this is just a dream. Each car we see is a car he is washing in that moment. Hot Take Temperature: Hot Wax.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Liam Neeson pre-bad knees running around Turkey hoping Maggie Grace can follow complex directions? Let’s go!
Hey, c’mon. You are lying yourself if you don’t think this is at least entertaining. It knows what it is (dumb) and it plays into it perfectly. It is a fine follow up to a film which is, in reality, not particularly good and has probably aged poorly (even from a purely action perspective).
The film is pretty nonsensical as well, with some great unintentional hilarity (all surrounding the purportedly what? 16 year old Maggie Grace? She was 29 at the time). Just look at this fucking picture:
… Maggie Grace is supposed to be drawing a 3km circle, so she measures out 3km with a string, and then attaches it to the top of the pen(?) and draws a circle that is way too small. It is hard to tell whether they end up lampshading this a bit as well since Neeson maybe even says that the circle is too small. No worries, she’s just going to lob a few grenades into downtown Istanbul and he’ll figure out where he is that way.
Let’s see. There is also a whole odd aside in which Neeson is friends with a bunch of other security experts who help him out by calling the Turkish authorities and get them … to let him go wandering around Istanbul to kill people after he crashed a car into the US Embassy? Fat fucking chance.
So you see, this movie is super dumb. But the action is at times good, and I also think there was a potential for a redeeming finale to the trilogy. Part 1: They take the wrong guy’s daughter and he goes and kills them. Part 2: The wider syndicate underestimates him again while trying to get revenge. Part 3: Man realizes the syndicate will never stop trying to hurt his family and takes the fight to them in Albania?
Apparently that isn’t what the third is about (by a long shot) which I have to assume is because the second was so poorly received they tried to tack out of the original idea and just made things worse.
Very much a Setting as a Character (Where?) for Turkey which is where the bulk of the film is set (not Albania, a boy can dream). I think that is it honestly, there isn’t even a twist. The movie is closest to Good and is arguably so depending on how you feel.
Read about my sequel to Taken in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this. I was giving my daughter some directions to throw grenades around a metropolitan area when one got a bit too close to my head and exploded giving me a concussion. Now I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Taken 2?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) In the beginning of the film Bryan if off to see his daughter in sunny Los Angeles for a driving lesson. But where is Jamie and how does Bryan find her so quickly?
2) Meanwhile the eeeeeevil Albanians (relatively of those killed in the first film) are back for vengeance. They have a two step process for figuring out that Bryan is currently on a job in Instanbul. How do they get the two pieces of information (who he is and where he is)?
3) How does Bryan escape?
4) Where do they head after the escape?
5) And then the coup de grace, how does Bryan find his ex-wife?
Bonus Question: I just finished up detailing my car when my new agent Logan calls me. What does he want?
“I ain’t afraid of no gh-gh-ghosts,” Jamie says, looking at the creaky stairs leading to the basement of the jail. It had been three months since they were convicted of Decapitation and Accessory to Decapitation and Jamie and Patrick were still rueing that unlucky gust of wind that resulted in the accidental removal of the unfortunate head. However, they also had to admit that perhaps something good would come out of their stint in the clink after all… friendship. They met Kyle when all three of them volunteered for dishwashing duty and soon they were known around the prison as The Triple Threats. Sure, Kyle had what appeared to be an unhealthy obsession with mannequins, but other than that they had come to trust him with their lives. So when they were offered the opportunity to clean out the prison basement in exchange for some extra spoons they jumped at the chance. Nothing could go wrong when the Triple Threats were together! But now facing the darkened stairway they wondered why it was that the room seemed to get ten degrees colder when the job was announced? Or why their arch rivals, The Three Amigos, didn’t fight them for the opportunity to get the precious spoons? Soon after they began to hear whispers about the Big BM and now they wondered whether those whispers were going to come back and haunt them. “I’m sure it’s fine,” Patrick says, taking a step down the stairs. “Yeah,” Jamie says, joining him on the top step. But before Kyle can make a crowd, a horrific bat-rat monster leaps from the darkness and drags them both into the basement. “Oh no!” Kyle yells in horror. “They’ve both been taken by the Big Basement Monster. Not just Jamie was taken! Patrick was taken, too!” That’s right! We are watching the sequel to the smash hit and franchise starter, Taken. The real prize at the end of all this is Taken 3, but you gotta start somewhere and not every week can be a backbreaking bonus week. So just Taken 2 on our plate… for now. Let’s go!
Taken 2 (2012) – BMeTric: 27.9; Notability: 32
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 21.6%; Notability: top 16.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 13.4%; Higher BMeT: Piranha 3DD, The Devil Inside, LOL, The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure, Paranormal Activity 4, The Apparition, Smiley, ATM, Chernobyl Diaries, The Cold Light of Day, The ABCs of Death, Dark Tide, So Undercover, Red Dawn, Soldiers of Fortune, Alex Cross, Lay the Favorite, 2016: Obama’s America, About Cherry, One for the Money, and 34 more; Higher Notability: Battleship, Dark Shadows, Ice Age: Continental Drift, This Means War, Total Recall, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Wrath of the Titans, Red Dawn, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, The ABCs of Death, Escape from Planet Earth, Underworld: Awakening, That’s My Boy, The Odd Life of Timothy Green, The Guilt Trip, The Watch, A Thousand Words, Man on a Ledge, Atlas Shrugged II: The Strike, The Vow, and 21 more; Lower RT: A Thousand Words, Dark Tide, One for the Money, The Apparition, The Cold Light of Day, Atlas Shrugged II: The Strike, Playing for Keeps, The Devil Inside, So Undercover, Fire with Fire, The Babymakers, Alex Cross, Piranha 3DD, House at the End of the Street, Gone, ATM, Meeting Evil, LOL, About Cherry, Soldiers of Fortune, and 13 more; Notes: We are at about half as far as the top RT films. We’ve seen a good number of everything, but this was the era where there was just too many bad movies! How will we ever watch all these bad movies?! More than 50 films have a BMeTric over 25, that’s insane!
RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – “Taken 2” is slick, professional action, directed by Olivier Megaton. Let that name roll off your tongue (Olivier, not Oliver). It was produced and co-written by Luc Besson, the French master of thrillers, and Robert Mark Kamen, his writing partner on many films. The first “Taken” was made for $22 million and grossed 10 times that much, establishing Liam Neeson as an action star after a career spent in heavyweight roles. The cast is uniformly capable and dead serious, and if you’re buying what Luc Besson is selling, he’s not short-changing you.
(Wow, I do love when they just kind of like it? I can totally believe someone is picking up what this film is putting down. But even the first film was dumb, so it also isn’t surprising when people expected it to go even bigger and getting served mostly the same thing wasn’t doing it for them.)
(I kind of love that there is no explanation that he and his ex-wife are semi-back together in the film. The trailer looks dumb in that it does Taken Too and also then seems to not be Taken and instead is just a generic action movie in the end.)
Directors – Olivier Megaton – ( Known For: The Last Days of American Crime; The Red Siren; Exit; Future BMT: Taken 3; Transporter 3; Colombiana; Anna; BMT: Taken 2; Notes: He hasn’t done anything major in America since the third Taken film. French which makes sense.)
Writers – Luc Besson – ( Known For: Léon: The Professional; Taken; Lucy; The Fifth Element; The Transporter; Transporter 2; Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets; Unleashed; Revolver; Taxi; La Femme Nikita; District B13; Kiss of the Dragon; Taxi 2; The Big Blue; District 13: Ultimatum; Taxi 3; Wasabi; Bandidas; Angel-A; Future BMT: Taken 3; Transporter 3; The Family; From Paris with Love; Colombiana; Lockout; 3 Days to Kill; Anna; The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc; The Transporter Refueled; Arthur and the Invisibles; BMT: Taken 2; Taxi; Brick Mansions; Notes: Oh, he actually does seem to have a story credit. And he did Lockout too?! He really liked Maggie Grace.)
Robert Mark Kamen – ( Known For: Taken; The Fifth Element; The Transporter; The Karate Kid; Transporter 2; The Karate Kid; Lethal Weapon 2; Lethal Weapon 3; The Karate Kid Part II; Kiss of the Dragon; Bandidas; A Walk in the Clouds; Taps; The Power of One; Enter the Warriors Gate; Split Image; Future BMT: Taken 3; Transporter 3; Colombiana; The Karate Kid Part III; The Transporter Refueled; The Next Karate Kid; Gladiator; BMT: Taken 2; Angel Has Fallen; Brick Mansions; Notes: Has credits on the Taken television series and the Karate Kid television series naturally.)
Actors – Liam Neeson – ( Known For: The Dark Knight Rises; Batman Begins; Schindler’s List; Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace; Taken; Love Actually; Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise of Skywalker; Gangs of New York; The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe; The Lego Movie; Non-Stop; Unknown; The A-Team; The Grey; Ted 2; The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian; The Next Three Days; The Ballad of Buster Scruggs; The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader; A Walk Among the Tombstones; Future BMT: Kingdom of Heaven; Taken 3; A Million Ways to Die in the West; The Huntsman: Winter’s War; Entourage; Daddy’s Home 2; The Marksman; Krull; The Nut Job; Marlowe; High Spirits; Before and After; BMT: Taken 2; Clash of the Titans; Battleship; Wrath of the Titans; Men in Black: International; The Haunting; Memory; Blacklight; Retribution; Notes: The Neeson! His first film this year was good. BOO! I don’t think we’ll have another one this year, but he has seven films in pre-production so hopefully we’ll see a few in the coming years.)
Famke Janssen – ( Known For: X-Men: Days of Future Past; X-Men; Taken; X2; X-Men: The Last Stand; The Wolverine; GoldenEye; Rounders; The Faculty; The Wackness; The Vault; Celebrity; Once Upon a Time in Venice; Made; Lord of Illusions; The Ten; The Postcard Killings; 100 Feet; Knights of the Zodiac; The Gingerbread Man; Future BMT: Taken 3; Hide and Seek; House on Haunted Hill; Don’t Say a Word; Deep Rising; Redeeming Love; BMT: Taken 2; Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters; I Spy; Notes: Born in The Netherlands, and is probably most famous for X-Men.)
Maggie Grace – ( Known For: Taken; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Knight and Day; Faster; The Experiment; The Jane Austen Book Club; Aftermath; The Hurricane Heist; About Alex; Suburban Girl; We’ll Never Have Paris; Malice in Wonderland; Decoding Annie Parker; Love, Weddings & Other Disasters; Supercon; Unity; The Scent of Rain & Lightning; Creature Unknown; Flying Lessons; Showing Roots; Future BMT: Taken 3; Lockout; BMT: Taken 2; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; The Choice; The Fog; Notes: She is definitely most famous for Lost where she was honestly one of the worst bits of the show for the parts she was in. She’s in Fear the Walking Dead.)
(That is quite good and it is definitely no wonder a third was made. I wonder how poorly that did to get the series canceled.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 22% (38/173): Taken 2 is largely bereft of the kinetic thrills — and surprises — that made the original a hit.
(Yeah sounds right. I think the original was just a unique experience and very titillating in its own way … and this was just a reheated version of that.)
Reviewer Highlight: Seems like a nonstop car and foot chase, with Albanian after Albanian falling victim to Bryan’s remarkable aim and hand-fighting skills. – Neil Genzlinger, New York Times
(I like the style of this even if it feels a little dated in today’s world. There is a grittiness to this that feels very of the time. But I like how they worked with the image of Neeson and the pop of red in the slightly dirtied Taken 2 font. It’s good. A.)
Tagline(s) – First they took his daughter. Now they’re coming for him. (B+)
(Sure. I mean it works. Wish they could have gotten there a little quicker and it’s not exactly the most creative thing in the world. But it does the trick.)
Keyword(s) – 2007-2015
Top 10: The Dark Knight (2008), Inception (2010), Interstellar (2014), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Inglourious Basterds (2009), The Wolf of Wall Street (2013), The Avengers (2012), Shutter Island (2010), Avatar (2009)
Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 90.5 Vampires Suck (2010), 84.3 Prom Night (2008), 84.2 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 79.2 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 78.5 Shark Night (2011), 77.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.5 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.1 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012), 75.2 The Apparition (2012), 75.0 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.4 God’s Not Dead (2014), 74.1 The Spirit (2008), 73.2 The Unborn (2009), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.9 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.1 The Pyramid (2014), 69.6 College Road Trip (2008), 69.4 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 69.2 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010)
BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Scary Movie V (2013), The Last Airbender (2010), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Love Guru (2008), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011), Norbit (2007), Movie 43 (2013), I Know Who Killed Me (2007), Bratz (2007), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Dragon Wars: D-War (2007), One Missed Call (2008), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Skyline (2010), The Devil Inside (2012), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ouija (2014), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Furry Vengeance (2010), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), After Earth (2013), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), The Gallows (2015), Jonah Hex (2010), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Getaway (2013)…
Best Options (Action): 84.2 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 75.0 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.1 The Spirit (2008), 69.2 Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore (2010), 65.9 The Cold Light of Day (2012), 63.7 Underdog (2007), 62.2 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 61.6 G-Force (2009), 58.5 Resident Evil: Retribution (2012), 58.0 Legion (2010), 57.8 The Transporter Refueled (2015), 56.9 Land of the Lost (2009), 54.4 The Counselor (2013), 52.1 Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010), 51.6 The Spy Next Door (2010), 50.8 Your Highness (2011), 50.5 Cop Out (2010), 50.3 The Last Legion (2007), …
(Well out of the best options, but screw it. WE LOVE FRANCHISES!! I think Legion could have been insane though. Looking forward to that.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Liam Neeson is No. 1 billed in Taken 2 and No. 1 billed in Memory, which also stars Guy Pearce (No. 2 billed) who is in Justice (No. 3 billed) which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (6 + 1) = 16. If we were to watch Marlowe we can get the HoE Number down to 12.
Notes – The movie was shot as an R-rated film, but it was later edited down to a PG-13 for its theatrical release, just like its predecessor, and its sequel.
Although this movie mostly involves Albanian mafia and thugs, there is only one member of the cast who actually is Albanian.
In the final bathhouse fight scene, Bryan aims a Steyr M9A1 at an unarmed Suko, but Suko pushes his palm into the muzzle of the gun pushing the slide slightly, but noticeably back. Due to the browning tilting barrel of the Steyr M9A1, this action misaligned the firing pin with the primer of the chambered round, making it unable to fire until realigned. This is a very real world scenario.
The movie was filmed mostly in Istanbul, Turkey, and the production team faced some challenges during filming. One of the most notable challenges was when a stunt driver crashed a car into a storefront during a chase scene, causing real damage to the store. The production team had to negotiate with the store owner to continue filming in the area.
When production was announced, it was not immediately clear if Liam Neeson would return for the lead role. Mickey Rourke was considered as a replacement, before Neeson confirmed his return.
There was never a question whether we were going to do Black Adam for 2022. It’s not just that there isn’t a huge number of qualifying films that we haven’t done from the year (we did quite a good job covering the major disasters), but because I’m Franchise Man and Black Adam was necessary to sustain my life. Amidst what was a real turn in DC’s (critical) fortunes, Black Adam represented the downfall of the Snyder era that has given us so much. Now it’s all in James Gunn’s hands and it could spell doom for Franchise Man. As we all know, in Franchise Man lore bad franchise movies are much more nourishing to his lifeforce. Without qualifying franchise films he would surely cease to be. So we must consume Black Adam like a bear preparing for hibernation and begin to search elsewhere for food. Perhaps Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire will prove a fruitful hunting ground for our Franchise Man… maybe Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire… maybe some other Empire heretofore unknown. Only time will tell.
To recap, we open in Kahndaq, a country that has been oppressed throughout time due to the presence of the valuable metal Eternium in its territory. Currently they are under the control of a criminal organization known as Intergang. All this has happened since a long time ago when a champion rose against a tyrannical king and tore him down with the power of Shazam. Anyway, a group of rebels led by Adrianna are tracking down a powerful object, the Crown of Sabbac, in order to keep it out of the hands of Intergang. In doing so they are cornered by the gang and only by awakening the champion, known as Teth-Adam, from his grave are they able to survive. US government official Amanda Waller deems him a threat and sends in the Justice Society to take him out… no, not the Justice League. This is the Justice Society… you know, with like Hawkman… and Doctor Fate… and, you know what… nevermind. It isn’t really important. They go after Teth-Adam but he’s not your daddy’s Superman. He kills people… he probably fucks too, but we don’t see that. Anyway, the Justice Society convinces him to help them get Adrianna’s son Amon back from the bad guys. In doing so he kills their leader, Ishmael, and badly injures Amon. Teth-Adam reveals that he’s really not your daddy’s Superman. In fact he wasn’t the champion at all, but rather was saved by the true champion, his son, who sacrificed himself for his life. He knows he’s not worthy and gives himself up to be held in a prison for superheroes. Meanwhile they realize that Ishmael wanted to die. He becomes the champion of the demons in death and rises again to take the crown and bring Hell to Earth. Doctor Fate knows that the only way to win is to sacrifice himself and use his… uh… Fate abilities or whatever to free Teth-Adam and have him totally own this demon dude. He does. THE END.
Quick recap of the DC films I watched in preparation for this one. Shazam (OK, it’s a kids film), Bird of Prey (didn’t like it as much as I thought I would), The Suicide Squad (loved it), Wonder Woman 1984 (wow, nope. Not into it). That’s a lotta movies. As for this one, when it started I thought it was absolutely terrible. It’s like a knock-off Wakanda, redoing stuff we already saw in Shazam, and with a bunch of Justice Society heroes no one cares about. The Justice Society should really only be presented in a comedic way because they are impossible to take seriously. The only thing that seemed right was Dwayne Johnson doing a thousand video game, slow mo action scenes. So overall it was just occasionally OK and otherwise baffling. To briefly put on my Franchise Man helmet, give me more please. I actually do think there could have been a cool sequel. Black Adam teams up with The Suicide Squad to infiltrate the arctic jail he was held in. Black Adam actually fits nicely in Suicide Squad cause he’s not your daddy’s Superman.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m just gonna say it. I think Black Adam is your daddy’s Superman. What did we even see him do? Kill some people? So what? Superman snapped a dude’s neck in Zac Snyder’s Superman film. So Zac Snyder already made Superman not your daddy’s Superman, thus making not your daddy’s Superman Superman. Get it? We also didn’t see Black Adam fuck. If I saw that then I would admit… that’s not my daddy’s Superman. But we didn’t and until we do I just think he’s kind of your daddy’s Superman (although, he’s definitely not my granddaddy’s Superman. That we can agree on). Hot Take Temperature: Heat Vision.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Surely I wouldn’t watch six films in a week in order to watch Black Adam. Surely … right? Let’s go!
Let’s get the five mini-reviews out lickety split. Aquaman: aggressively dumb, did not like it and I don’t find Mamoa amusing. Shazam!: charming, although the first half with him learning his powers is far better than the dumb shit Mark Strong was doing. Birds of Prey: I like Harley Quinn, but the film was kind of a mess and she was the only actually compelling thing in it. Ewan McGregor seemed to be having fun. Wonder Woman 1984: The length of this film is criminal, but I found it more charming than I expected, but probably because Jamie bad mouthed it right before I saw it. The Suicide Squad: Pretty solid, and the typical Gunn humor I find somewhat grating in Guardians when coming out of mostly good people we are meant to somehow pretend are bad, actually kind of works when coming out of actually bad people doing bad things. Only four more DCEU films (and I guess Zack Snyder’s Justice League 4-part black and white miniseries?) to go. Looking through the whole oeuvre I have Superman and the Mole Men (1951), Swamp Thing, The Return of Swamp Thing, Constantine, and Joker as far as live-action DC adaptations go. I mean … I should just push to that right? As a guy who can’t help but catch ‘em all, that seems like something. Filling out the DC Region Pokedex.
Ah finally, this film. This film is quite weird. Exclusively set in a fictional country that I imagine is supposed to evoke Afghanistan or Egypt in the DC universe? In reality it gives off heavy Wakanda vibes. I would have figured that given that Black Adam predates Black Panther that so would Kahndaq and Eternium predate Wakanda and Vibranium (which I would have pegged for the 60s, which is true, all of the Black Panther stuff debuted in 1966). Nope. Kahndaq? 2006. Eternium, just a few years prior in 1998. So uh … what the fuck dudes? You don’t see a problem with this? You don’t think people are going to notice the complete rip off that this entire idea is? It is completely mind blowing that this was pitched and approved of by the powers that be at DC and further that I had never heard of people making fun of this film for it. It is absurd.
The Rock is fine. He is charismatic as usual. He did read a bit old in this one. It isn’t surprising, he’s 50. But if they wanted to maybe suggest slightly younger then they should have given him a love interest. Instead they lean HEAVILY into his Dad Energy. It’s fine. It is what RDJ eventually had with Peter Parker in the MCU. It works. Just interesting to have a giant blockbuster where literally no one seems to view The Rock as a sexual being. Perhaps it was intentional to give more of a “he’s a borderline alien” vibes. Less of a “hey Zack Snyder, pump the brakes on Superman jumping Lois Lane’s bones in the bathtub” energy and more of that Iron Man “I’ve been borderline married to Pepper Potts even though she is only in one out of every three films at this point” energy.
Otherwise I have to agree with Jamie: Baffling. The be-all-end-all of this film existing is as a vehicle to deliver images of The Rock directly into my brain and to take money out of my pocket. But that’s every movie! You cry. Nay. A lot of movies have artistic merit and exist because humans are natural storytellers. This exists as a corporate advertising campaign for the charisma of The Rock and the continued existence of the DC brand of comics that have existed for a hundred years. Cynical! You cry. Nay. It is not I who is cynical, but the core of the movie/advertising complex. This is my manifesto (part 1 of 1000, check out the series over the course of the next 20 years of BMT).
Goddamn if the brother was just a bit more inept we would have had a true Planchet on our hands. I’m going to throw out a Product Placement (What?) because the funnier one is one character chowing down on Lays Baked Potato Chips in one scene, but also, looking online, FedEx is inexplicably on like four billboards scattered throughout the action scenes which seems gross and intentional. Fictional Country (Where?) for Kahndaq. Incredible (award winning?) MacGuffin (Why?) for The Crown of Sabbac which everyone wants without knowing it makes you a literal demon until the very end. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that it was not The Rock who was the original Black Adam, but his son. I think this has to be in the Bad category, while amusing in how much it rips off other films, it isn’t amusing enough to warrant the homework and length involved.
Read about my sequel to Black Adam in the quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, get this. I was an ancient hero, but I’ve been asleep / dead / imprisoned for like 5000 years. Now I can’t remember a thing (and what are these magic phone devices!). Do you remember what happened in Black Adam?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) What mineral does the eeeeevil kind need to create the Crown of MacGuffin … I mean Crown of Sabbac?
2) Obviously Black Adam makes a very good first impression … he killed like one hundred people. Sure they are bad people but still. At the end though he is injured. That isn’t supposed to happen, how does it happen?
3) Oh shit we got a team? Name the four “good guys” who are sent to take on Black Adam.
4) After a bunch of CGI nonsense the kid gets captured. How do they find him again?
5) Oh man, what a twist!! Who is Black Adam really? Who was the real champion of Kahndaq?
Bonus Question: Now that the DCEU is done, my agent is trying to get me to pitch my new comic book mega series to them. What did I decide to make it about?
Bad Movie Twins 