Category: Action

Black Adam Recap

Jamie

There was never a question whether we were going to do Black Adam for 2022. It’s not just that there isn’t a huge number of qualifying films that we haven’t done from the year (we did quite a good job covering the major disasters), but because I’m Franchise Man and Black Adam was necessary to sustain my life. Amidst what was a real turn in DC’s (critical) fortunes, Black Adam represented the downfall of the Snyder era that has given us so much. Now it’s all in James Gunn’s hands and it could spell doom for Franchise Man. As we all know, in Franchise Man lore bad franchise movies are much more nourishing to his lifeforce. Without qualifying franchise films he would surely cease to be. So we must consume Black Adam like a bear preparing for hibernation and begin to search elsewhere for food. Perhaps Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire will prove a fruitful hunting ground for our Franchise Man… maybe Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire… maybe some other Empire heretofore unknown. Only time will tell.

To recap, we open in Kahndaq, a country that has been oppressed throughout time due to the presence of the valuable metal Eternium in its territory. Currently they are under the control of a criminal organization known as Intergang. All this has happened since a long time ago when a champion rose against a tyrannical king and tore him down with the power of Shazam. Anyway, a group of rebels led by Adrianna are tracking down a powerful object, the Crown of Sabbac, in order to keep it out of the hands of Intergang. In doing so they are cornered by the gang and only by awakening the champion, known as Teth-Adam, from his grave are they able to survive. US government official Amanda Waller deems him a threat and sends in the Justice Society to take him out… no, not the Justice League. This is the Justice Society… you know, with like Hawkman… and Doctor Fate… and, you know what… nevermind. It isn’t really important. They go after Teth-Adam but he’s not your daddy’s Superman. He kills people… he probably fucks too, but we don’t see that. Anyway, the Justice Society convinces him to help them get Adrianna’s son Amon back from the bad guys. In doing so he kills their leader, Ishmael, and badly injures Amon. Teth-Adam reveals that he’s really not your daddy’s Superman. In fact he wasn’t the champion at all, but rather was saved by the true champion, his son, who sacrificed himself for his life. He knows he’s not worthy and gives himself up to be held in a prison for superheroes. Meanwhile they realize that Ishmael wanted to die. He becomes the champion of the demons in death and rises again to take the crown and bring Hell to Earth. Doctor Fate knows that the only way to win is to sacrifice himself and use his… uh… Fate abilities or whatever to free Teth-Adam and have him totally own this demon dude. He does. THE END.

Quick recap of the DC films I watched in preparation for this one. Shazam (OK, it’s a kids film), Bird of Prey (didn’t like it as much as I thought I would), The Suicide Squad (loved it), Wonder Woman 1984 (wow, nope. Not into it). That’s a lotta movies. As for this one, when it started I thought it was absolutely terrible. It’s like a knock-off Wakanda, redoing stuff we already saw in Shazam, and with a bunch of Justice Society heroes no one cares about. The Justice Society should really only be presented in a comedic way because they are impossible to take seriously. The only thing that seemed right was Dwayne Johnson doing a thousand video game, slow mo action scenes. So overall it was just occasionally OK and otherwise baffling. To briefly put on my Franchise Man helmet, give me more please. I actually do think there could have been a cool sequel. Black Adam teams up with The Suicide Squad to infiltrate the arctic jail he was held in. Black Adam actually fits nicely in Suicide Squad cause he’s not your daddy’s Superman.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m just gonna say it. I think Black Adam is your daddy’s Superman. What did we even see him do? Kill some people? So what? Superman snapped a dude’s neck in Zac Snyder’s Superman film. So Zac Snyder already made Superman not your daddy’s Superman, thus making not your daddy’s Superman Superman. Get it? We also didn’t see Black Adam fuck. If I saw that then I would admit… that’s not my daddy’s Superman. But we didn’t and until we do I just think he’s kind of your daddy’s Superman (although, he’s definitely not my granddaddy’s Superman. That we can agree on). Hot Take Temperature: Heat Vision.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Surely I wouldn’t watch six films in a week in order to watch Black Adam. Surely … right? Let’s go!

Let’s get the five mini-reviews out lickety split. Aquaman: aggressively dumb, did not like it and I don’t find Mamoa amusing. Shazam!: charming, although the first half with him learning his powers is far better than the dumb shit Mark Strong was doing. Birds of Prey: I like Harley Quinn, but the film was kind of a mess and she was the only actually compelling thing in it. Ewan McGregor seemed to be having fun. Wonder Woman 1984: The length of this film is criminal, but I found it more charming than I expected, but probably because Jamie bad mouthed it right before I saw it. The Suicide Squad: Pretty solid, and the typical Gunn humor I find somewhat grating in Guardians when coming out of mostly good people we are meant to somehow pretend are bad, actually kind of works when coming out of actually bad people doing bad things. Only four more DCEU films (and I guess Zack Snyder’s Justice League 4-part black and white miniseries?) to go. Looking through the whole oeuvre I have Superman and the Mole Men (1951), Swamp Thing, The Return of Swamp Thing, Constantine, and Joker as far as live-action DC adaptations go. I mean … I should just push to that right? As a guy who can’t help but catch ‘em all, that seems like something. Filling out the DC Region Pokedex.

Ah finally, this film. This film is quite weird. Exclusively set in a fictional country that I imagine is supposed to evoke Afghanistan or Egypt in the DC universe? In reality it gives off heavy Wakanda vibes. I would have figured that given that Black Adam predates Black Panther that so would Kahndaq and Eternium predate Wakanda and Vibranium (which I would have pegged for the 60s, which is true, all of the Black Panther stuff debuted in 1966). Nope. Kahndaq? 2006. Eternium, just a few years prior in 1998. So uh … what the fuck dudes? You don’t see a problem with this? You don’t think people are going to notice the complete rip off that this entire idea is? It is completely mind blowing that this was pitched and approved of by the powers that be at DC and further that I had never heard of people making fun of this film for it. It is absurd.

The Rock is fine. He is charismatic as usual. He did read a bit old in this one. It isn’t surprising, he’s 50. But if they wanted to maybe suggest slightly younger then they should have given him a love interest. Instead they lean HEAVILY into his Dad Energy. It’s fine. It is what RDJ eventually had with Peter Parker in the MCU. It works. Just interesting to have a giant blockbuster where literally no one seems to view The Rock as a sexual being. Perhaps it was intentional to give more of a “he’s a borderline alien” vibes. Less of a “hey Zack Snyder, pump the brakes on Superman jumping Lois Lane’s bones in the bathtub” energy and more of that Iron Man “I’ve been borderline married to Pepper Potts even though she is only in one out of every three films at this point” energy.

Otherwise I have to agree with Jamie: Baffling. The be-all-end-all of this film existing is as a vehicle to deliver images of The Rock directly into my brain and to take money out of my pocket. But that’s every movie! You cry. Nay. A lot of movies have artistic merit and exist because humans are natural storytellers. This exists as a corporate advertising campaign for the charisma of The Rock and the continued existence of the DC brand of comics that have existed for a hundred years. Cynical! You cry. Nay. It is not I who is cynical, but the core of the movie/advertising complex. This is my manifesto (part 1 of 1000, check out the series over the course of the next 20 years of BMT).

Goddamn if the brother was just a bit more inept we would have had a true Planchet on our hands. I’m going to throw out a Product Placement (What?) because the funnier one is one character chowing down on Lays Baked Potato Chips in one scene, but also, looking online, FedEx is inexplicably on like four billboards scattered throughout the action scenes which seems gross and intentional. Fictional Country (Where?) for Kahndaq. Incredible (award winning?) MacGuffin (Why?) for The Crown of Sabbac which everyone wants without knowing it makes you a literal demon until the very end. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that it was not The Rock who was the original Black Adam, but his son. I think this has to be in the Bad category, while amusing in how much it rips off other films, it isn’t amusing enough to warrant the homework and length involved.

Read about my sequel to Black Adam in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Black Adam Quiz

Oh man, get this. I was an ancient hero, but I’ve been asleep / dead / imprisoned for like 5000 years. Now I can’t remember a thing (and what are these magic phone devices!). Do you remember what happened in Black Adam?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) What mineral does the eeeeevil kind need to create the Crown of MacGuffin … I mean Crown of Sabbac?

2) Obviously Black Adam makes a very good first impression … he killed like one hundred people. Sure they are bad people but still. At the end though he is injured. That isn’t supposed to happen, how does it happen?

3) Oh shit we got a team? Name the four “good guys” who are sent to take on Black Adam.

4) After a bunch of CGI nonsense the kid gets captured. How do they find him again?

5) Oh man, what a twist!! Who is Black Adam really? Who was the real champion of Kahndaq?

Bonus Question: Now that the DCEU is done, my agent is trying to get me to pitch my new comic book mega series to them. What did I decide to make it about?

Answers

Black Adam Preview

One year, one blockbuster film, and one Pulitzer later and Patrick and Jamie are ready to launch Project: Jamie in Love (awww). “This is exciting,” Kyle says, bouncing on his heels near where they are preparing their backpacks. “You guys will have to write and tell me all about all the hijinks you get into.” Jamie and Patrick smile. “Why would we write when you’re right there with us?” Kyle’s eyes glitter and he has trouble speaking due to the emotion. “Gee. But… BMT…?” he stammers. Patrick just sweeps his arm across the buzzing BMTHQ offices. “This old place? I think it can handle itself. Love is just a bit important.” They all laugh a whole bunch even though it’s not really a joke. “The key to love is just four easy steps,” Patrick then explains, “That’s how me and the wife found love that has lasted.” “Yeah,” Kyle responds with a smirk, “Lasted a millennium.” They laugh again. God they are killing it. A short time later Jamie and Kyle are following Patrick through Brooklyn. Despite having packed for a long trip it appears that lesson one is right in their backyard (although Jamie can’t say he’s ever been this deep in the back alleys of the city). They stop in front of a store and Patrick turns to face Jamie and Kyle. “The eyes are the windows to the soul,” Patrick announces. “So Lesson #1: Style.” Jamie looks down at his clothes. Sure he’s wearing a sweatshirt from high school… and his sweatpants are also just a different sweatshirt from high school he’s fashioned into rudimentary pants. “But that’s kind of stylish, right?” He asks hopefully and Kyle shakes his head. Jamie looks up at the store: Black Adam’s Black Ties. “Here goes nothing.” That’s right! We are also shopping at Black Adam this week as we use this very special yearlong cycle to smash out some of the greatest franchises we ever missed. Black Adam is the only DC film we had left that qualified for BMT… that is until Aquaman 2 came out. But at least this gets us that one step closer. So for 2022: Black Adam. Let’s go!

Black Adam (2022) – BMeTric: 27.8; Notability: 98

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 15.6%; Notability: top 0.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 18.3%; Higher BMeT: Jeepers Creepers: Reborn, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Ice Age Adventures of Buck Wild, The Bubble, Brazen, Firestarter, They/Them, Moonfall, Blacklight, Morbius, Pinocchio, Me Time, After Ever Happy, Grimcutty, Umma, The Invitation, Cheaper by the Dozen, Spiderhead, Deep Water, Jurassic World Dominion, and 19 more; Lower RT: Jeepers Creepers: Reborn, After Ever Happy, Me Time, Poker Face, Firestarter, Redeeming Love, Blacklight, Brazen, Last Seen Alive, Morbius, Prey for the Devil, The Ice Age Adventures of Buck Wild, Prizefighter: The Life of Jem Belcher, The Bubble, On the Line, Home Team, The Man from Toronto, Senior Year, The 355, Grimcutty, and 22 more; Notes: The top Notability. Nice. A lower BMeTric than I would have expected, but I guess fans maybe liked it.

RogerEbert.com – 3.5 stars – “Black Adam” is a superlative and clever example of this sort of movie, coloring within the lines while drawing fascinating doodles on the margins. In its brash, relentless, overscaled way, Collet-Serra’s film respects its audience and wants to be respected by it. “Black Adam” gives the audience everything they wanted, along with things they never expected.

(Wow, we have a few of these. I wonder if we’ve done a four star film before. I wonder how many qualifying four star films there are. Imagine. Imagine if RogerEbert.com gave it four stars.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkomfZHG5q4/

(The Justice Society gets more play in this trailer than I expected. I would have imagined they would have been a bit more cagey about making the film introduce like five individual superheroes in a first film. Honestly, this should have been Shazam 2 and it was real dumb they went with the thing they did eventually, but also this stinks of desperately trying to parlay The Suicide Squad into something and failing.)

Directors – Jaume Collet-Serra – (Known For: Non-Stop; Unknown; Orphan; Jungle Cruise; The Shallows; The Commuter; Run All Night; Goal II: Living the Dream; BMT: Black Adam; House of Wax; Notes: He’s basically Liam Neeson and now Dwayne Johnson’s director. It is kind of wild, has done multiple for each and has upcoming films for both.)

Writers – Adam Sztykiel – (Known For: Rampage; Scoob!; Family Switch; Future BMT: Due Date; Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip; BMT: Black Adam; Made of Honor; Notes: Rampage was trach. Family Switch I think may have been a set up for We’re the Millers 2 which he has on the docket.)

Rory Haines and Sohrab Noshirvani – (Known For: The Mauritanian; BMT: Black Adam; Notes: The Mauritanian was quite well received and even had some awards buzz from what I remember.)

Bill Parker and C.C. Beck – (Notes: They were co-creators of the Marvel Family and many other Fawcett properties. So they have credits on a bunch of these.)

Jack Kirby – (Known For: The Avengers; Avengers: Endgame; Avengers: Infinity War; Iron Man; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Thor; Iron Man 3; Captain America: The Winter Soldier; Iron Man 2; Captain America: Civil War; Black Panther; Thor: Ragnarok; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Thor: The Dark World; Ant-Man; Captain Marvel; The Incredible Hulk; Ant-Man and the Wasp; Zack Snyder’s Justice League; Thor: Love and Thunder; BMT: Justice League; Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Fantastic Four; Notes: Ah, you know Kirby by now. I’ve probably written like four bios for him. He’s arguably the best comic book writer in history.)

Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster– (Known For: Man of Steel; Zack Snyder’s Justice League; Superman Returns; Superman; The Lego Batman Movie; Superman II; The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part; Teen Titans GO! To the Movies; Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut; The Death and Return of Superman; BMT: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice; Justice League; Superman III; Superman IV: The Quest for Peace; Notes: C’mon now. They created Superman. So … yeah, they were the big DC guys before there was even DC.)

Actors – Dwayne Johnson – (Known For: Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle; Free Guy; Fast & Furious 6; Furious 7; Fast Five; Moana; The Mummy Returns; Red Notice; The Other Guys; Jumanji: The Next Level; San Andreas; The Fate of the Furious; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; Pain & Gain; Get Smart; Central Intelligence; Jungle Cruise; Rampage; Hercules; The Scorpion King; Future BMT: Planet 51; You Again; Tooth Fairy; Reno 911!: Miami; Why Did I Get Married Too?; Jem and the Holograms; BMT: Black Adam; Baywatch; G.I. Joe: Retaliation; Doom; Walking Tall; The Game Plan; Be Cool; Notes: Apparently tapped to portray Doc Savage, so he is running it back it would seem. Not a real superhero, but was a “superman” or sorts. Then he has like twenty sequels in various stages of development.)

Aldis Hodge – ( Known For: Die Hard with a Vengeance; Hidden Figures; The Invisible Man; Straight Outta Compton; Happy Feet; The Ladykillers; The East; One Night in Miami…; What Men Want; Edmond; Brian Banks; Clemency; Magic Camp; Green Lantern: Beware My Power; Red Sands; The Birthday Cake; The Tenants; Little Athens; Future BMT: Jack Reacher: Never Go Back; American Dreamz; Bed of Roses; BMT: Black Adam; A Good Day to Die Hard; Big Momma’s House; Notes: Oddly played two different people in the two Die Hard films he appeared in.)

Pierce Brosnan – ( Known For: The World’s End; Mrs. Doubtfire; Mamma Mia!; GoldenEye; Mars Attacks!; Die Another Day; The World Is Not Enough; Tomorrow Never Dies; Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief; The Ghost Writer; The Foreigner; Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again; Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga; The Thomas Crown Affair; No Escape; The Matador; Cinderella; Survivor; A Long Way Down; The Out-Laws; Future BMT: Remember Me; Dante’s Peak; The November Man; After the Sunset; Laws of Attraction; I Don’t Know How She Does It; Love Affair; BMT: Black Adam; The Lawnmower Man; The King’s Daughter; Notes: Mother flipping Dante’s Peak. Excited for that eventually. He was James Bond. His first wife is a sad story, both her and her daughter died of ovarian cancer at 41.)

Budget/Gross – $190–260 million / Domestic: $168,152,111 (Worldwide: $393,452,111)

(Like … kind of okay actually? Domestically weak, but overall if it is hitting that lower budget number it is kind of okay. Better than I expected given what I remembered from the release.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 38% (117/304): Black Adam may end up pointing the way to an exciting future for DC films, but as a standalone experience, it’s a wildly uneven letdown.

(It … did not. As a matter of fact, it was pretty much a death knell in the end, because any good will they got from The Suicide Squad disappeared and the DCEU was basically immediately handed over to James Gunn.)

Reviewer Highlight: A dull, listless superhero movie that hits all the expected touchstones of the genre under the guise of a transgressive new antihero story. – Maya Phillips, New York Times

Poster – Bad Saddo

(The Rock starring other people. I do like the effort here, though. Artistic flair and some nice font. No idea what this would be about though. What is a Black Adam, I would ponder. B-)

Tagline(s) – Power born from rage. (C)

(Meh.)

Keyword(s) – 2015-2023

Top 10: Joker (2019), Avengers: Endgame (2019), Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Deadpool (2016), Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (2015), Parasite (2019), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), The Martian (2015), The Revenant (2015)

Future BMT: 84.8 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 79.3 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.8 Black Christmas (2019), 75.9 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.6 The Grudge (2020), 73.6 The Turning (2020), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.5 Poltergeist (2015), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.0 Max Steel (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.2 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 64.7 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 63.4 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.7 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.1 Like a Boss (2020), 60.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015)

BMT: The Emoji Movie (2017), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Fantastic Four (2015), Holmes & Watson (2018), Fifty Shades of Black (2016), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Rings (2017), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Zoolander 2 (2016), The Gallows (2015), The Boy Next Door (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Fantasy Island (2020), The Exorcist: Believer (2023), Firestarter (2022), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Expend4bles (2023), Moonfall (2022), After We Fell (2021), Blacklight (2022), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Hot Pursuit (2015), Morbius (2022), The 5th Wave (2016), Hellboy (2019), The Snowman (2017), … (and many more)

Best Options (Action): 70.7 Snatched (2017), 67.0 Max Steel (2016), 57.8 The Transporter Refueled (2015), 57.3 The New Mutants (2020), 57.0 Robin Hood (2018), 50.7 Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016), 50.6 Halloween Kills (2021), 49.4 Blackhat (2015), 48.3 Vanguard (2020), 47.8 Men in Black: International (2019), 47.8 The Dark Tower (2017), 46.1 Samson (2018), 45.8 The Rhythm Section (2020), 44.9 A-X-L (2018), 44.1 Allegiant (2016), 44.0 Gemini Man (2019), 43.7 The 355 (2022), 43.1 Underworld: Blood Wars (2016), 42.7 Pan (2015), 42.1 Chaos Walking (2021), 41.6 Breaking In (2018), 41.1 The Marksman (2021), 40.9 The Kitchen (2019), 38.4 Ratchet & Clank (2016), 38.1 Morgan (2016), 38.0 Freelance (2023), 37.2 The Great Wall (2016), 36.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016), 36.6 Monster Trucks (2016), 36.0 Collide (2016), 35.6 Captive (2015), 33.6 Kin (2018), 32.3 Honest Thief (2020), 31.8 The Machine (2023), 31.5 Traffik (2018), 30.9 Miss Bala (2019), 30.7 Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016), 30.5 Mortal Engines (2018), 30.5 Birth of the Dragon (2016), 30.4 The Huntsman: Winter’s War (2016), 30.3 7 Days in Entebbe (2018), 29.5 Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023), 28.9 The Girl in the Spider’s Web (2018), 28.0 Medieval (2022), 27.8 Black Adam (2022), … (and many more)

(So that’s the thing, it is probably actually the best 2022 option. And we love franchises, so finally having an excuse to watch a boatload of DCEU films was too hard to pass up. If you can’t tell, we are doing one movie for each year, so 2022 was needed and was a weak year.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 12) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Dwayne Johnson is No. 1 billed in Black Adam and No. 1 billed in Walking Tall, which also stars Neal McDonough (No. 3 billed) who is in Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (No. 3 billed) which also stars Chris Klein (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) + (2 + 2) = 12. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Jordan Peele was originally offered the chance to direct the film when it was first announced in 2017, but Peele declined, saying, “I’m not a fan of superhero movies and I’d hate to take that chance away from a director who is passionate about them.”

While Black Adam and Captain Marvel speak the same name of the wizard Shazam as an acronym to activate their powers, in the case of Captain Marvel the acronym stands for the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules, the stamina of Atlas, the power of Zeus, the courage of Achilles, and the speed of Mercury. In the case of Black Adam, the acronym stands for the stamina of Shu, the swiftness of Horus, the strength of Amon, the wisdom of Zehuti, the power of Aton, and the courage of Mehen.

Dwayne Johnson once asked his fans which character he should play, superhero Shazam or supervillain Black Adam. His fans chose Black Adam.

Black Adam was originally going to appear in Shazam! (2019), but it was later decided he would debut in his own film.

The film originally received an R rating due to several gruesome death scenes. A majority of these deaths had to be cut before the film could receive the more commercially viable PG-13 rating.

Hypnotic Recap

Jamie

What a journey with our boy Hypnotic. You would think a wide release Robert Rodriguez film starring Ben Affleck released in May would be available on every corner for our BMT pleasure. Wrong. Even seven months later the film was not out on DVD. What a crock! This is not total cinema. This isn’t even partial cinema! What are you up to, Robert Rodriguez? But ultimately you can tell what he was up to just by looking at the credits of the film. This was a Rodriguez family affair, much like the Patriots are now a Belichick family affair. I’m not sure he much cared where this film was available. Does the film exist? Was his family employed in its making? Yes? Well then, mission accomplished.

To recap, Ben Affleck is a police officer (or is he?) recovering from the kidnapping of his daughter (or is he?) who is back on the job (or is he?) tracking an impending robbery of a bank safe deposit box (or is… enough of that). At the robbery he gets the feeling he knows that something’s off and gets to the box and finds a message “Find Lev Dellrayne.” A man, Dellrayne himself, was the orchestrator of the robbery and tries killing Ben before making an escape. The tip for the robbery came from a hypnotist that Ben teams up with. He finds out about a secret group of hypnotics who can make you believe things are happening for their own devices. They end up going on the run when Dellrayne, the most powerful hypnotic in the world, turns both friends and foes against them. There is some MacGuffin that they want, but really they want to find answers and that comes in the form of a hacker named River. That’s because once Ben is seeing all the info that River uncovers he has an epiphany… none of anything in the film is real. It’s all hypnotic bullshit (what a twist). Turns out his daughter was the progeny of him (also a powerful hypnotic) and the hypnotic he teamed up with. When the government wanted to start using her as a weapon, Ben hid her away and erased his memory. He’s been in a never ending cycle of hypnosis as they try to figure out what “Find Lev Dellrayne” means. But Ben is able to break the cycle this time and heads out to a ranch where his daughter has come of age and has full control of her powers. Teamed back up with his wife and daughter they defeat the agency and escape (or do they? (They don’t, but it doesn’t matter cause there won’t be a sequel (or will there be? (there won’t)))). THE END.

This is as close as we’re going to get to M. Night Shyamalan Presents: Twist: The Movie. Right from the opening, where a therapist methodically taps her pencil against a pad of paper, you can’t help but think, “None of this is real.” So then, when other events, characters, objects enter the swirling orbit of the amorphous (and terrible looking) film, you just sigh. “I get it, speed it up,” was my thought every 5-10 minutes. It’s not at all surprising that Rodriguez talks candidly about how his children did VFX, music, editing, etc. on the film. Certainly looks and sounds that way. I don’t blame him, really. Making a movie seems pretty darn hard and making it with your family would probably make it more enjoyable, but the product will probably suffer (and it did). So all this led to the greatest crime a BMT film can commit. By the time Jeff Fahey showed up on screen I was so over the film that I didn’t even look to see if there was a motorcycle for him to have sex on or a lawnmower for him to push. Booooooooo.

Hot Take Clam Bake! In a post credit stinger we see that William Fitchner hasn’t died, but rather tricked people into killing Jeff Fahey instead. This promises a sequel, right? Wrong! Jeff Fahey didn’t die (you idiots). He’s actually the main character and the titular Hypnotic (you dopes). You didn’t get that? (What dummies). Jeff Fahey? International superstar? Didn’t you see “Ben Affleck” riding a motorcycle in the film. Didn’t that strike you as odd given Jeff Fahey’s history with motorcycles? (Stupid idiots) What’s hypnosis but a mental form of virtual reality. They claimed that they went Beyond Cyberspace for Lawnmower Man 2 but they were wrong. THIS is Lawnmower Man 2 (fucking dumb dumbs). Obviously, Jobe’s War?… get it?… Dellrayne is Jobe. Jobe is Dellrayne. (you dumb idiot stupidheads). Hot Take Temperature: Woman of Desire.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about too-jacked Ben Affleck looking like a triangle and making low-rent Inception? Let’s go!

Oh boy is this movie a mess.

Affleck seems completely checked out, which is almost certainly because this was a random movie he did to keep himself in the mix as a headliner while he was (presumably) directing and acting in Air, a far more financially worthwhile film.

The concept of the film is interesting for about five seconds before they botch it. Kind of cool: a villain who hypnotizes people to make them commit crimes for him. It is almost a Batman villain (wait, Batman? Affleck? Talk to me people!).

Not cool: a secret society of hypnotists who can actually create elaborate inception like worlds and convince people that they aren’t who they think they are because two of the hypnotists had a baby who is a super hypnotist who can like … kill the world or something?

But this movie did deliver one thing that make me forgive everything: Jeff Fahey. Let the Fahey-ssaince begin!!

For real though. Parts of this film look kind of cool. Parts of it are interesting. But mostly it is a whole lotta nothing produced by a director who is quickly being known for producing a whole lotta nothing.

And that director also has officially made his productions a family affair and that experiment is so far off to a rocky start.

The only surprised about this film was that it was released to enough theaters to qualify. Bizarre.

You would think there would be more product placement for a film like this, but I just looked it up and there is surprisingly little and nothing really of note. I do like a true blue MacGuffin (Why?) involving the search for the secret daughter. And the obvious Worst Twist (How?) where the entire film is (obviously) a hypnosis, because why the hell not. This movie is complete trash, Bad through and through.

Oh boy, you best believe I’m completely undoing this movie with the classic sequel opening twist. Patent pending. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Hypnotic Quiz

Oh man, so get this. Turns out my entire life was actually me being hypnotized. Also turns out this level of hypnotism is basically just the equivalent to getting kicked in the head a bunch. So yeah, I have a massive concussion and can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Hypnotic?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) We open with our hero in his therapist’s office. Why is he there?

2) Well, they are off to a bank robbery. How does the robbery go down?

3) How mysterious. Pray tell how did they hear about this robbery?

4) Yada yada yada what is this all really, like what is the actual deal with Affleck and his daughter and junk?

5) But … why do the hypnotists want Affleck’s daughter so much? Why is she important?

Bonus Question: I guess we know the sequel set up, Fichtner is going to come and yet them … right?

Answers

Hypnotic Preview

Jamie and Patrick shield their eyes as they get off the airplane. It’s hot on the tarmac under the Tuscan sun. It’s been ages since their mother moved to Tuscany to take over the family’s failing olive oil business and things appear to have turned around. “Things have turned around,” their mother’s valet confirms and takes their bags to a waiting stretch hummer. “All this from olive oil?” Jamie whispers as they turn a corner and espy the family’s newly restored Tuscan manor. Patrick is skeptical… and increasingly concerned. For several minutes they wait in the foyer and both look with a smile as the door at the top of the stairs opens up. But rather than their mother they find themselves staring at Luigi, the company’s former manager. “What are you doing here?” Patrick asks in disgust. Everyone knew that Luigi’s corruption was what got the company into dire straits in the first place. A brief grimace crosses Luigi’s face before being replaced by a smile. “I guess you were too busy with your bald movie thing to hear that your mother hired me back when she realized that she needed someone around who knew olive oil.” Jamie turns beet red and gets right up into Luigi’s face. “You know it’s BAD movies, not BALD movies. We’re not idiots. You’re an idiot.” Luigi smiles and nods in acquiescence. “Your mother will be back shortly,” Luigi assures them and shuttles them into an adjacent room. “Why don’t you preoccupy yourself with the Antiquities Room while you wait,” and with that he leaves. Patrick looks around at the treasures that surround them. “We shouldn’t touch anything until we…” he begins, but when he looks over at Jamie he is staring intently at a Puzzle Box. Suddenly Patrick feels very tired. That’s right! We are watching the Ben Affleck classic Hypnotic… you know, the film that everyone knew about. Definitely totally normal that this film never got a DVD release… don’t even worry about it. Let’s go!

Hypnotic (2023) – BMeTric: 45.0; Notability: 19

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 5.6%; Notability: top 8.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 15.2%; Higher BMeT: Expend4bles, The Exorcist: Believer, Meg 2: The Trench, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, 65, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, The Ritual Killer, Five Nights at Freddy’s, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, White Men Can’t Jump, Maybe I Do, Retribution; Higher Notability: Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted, Expend4bles, Haunted Mansion, Heart of Stone, The Out-Laws, Old Dads, Meg 2: The Trench, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3, Foe, 65, Your Place or Mine, White Men Can’t Jump, The Exorcist: Believer, About My Father, Pain Hustlers, Dashing Through the Snow, Insidious: The Red Door, Love Again, Genie; Lower RT: Freelance, The Ritual Killer, 57 Seconds, Assassin Club, Expend4bles, Fool’s Paradise, The Out-Laws, Knights of the Zodiac, Mafia Mamma, The Good Mother, The Exorcist: Believer, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, Pain Hustlers, Foe, God Is a Bullet, Finestkind, Ghosted, White Men Can’t Jump, Love Again, Meg 2: The Trench, and 12 more; Notes: Given how much money Five Nights at Freddy’s made I’m shocked that it would have a relatively high BMeTric. Like I get it is popular, but shouldn’t the fans who seem to like it a lot and “get it” be driving the rating up? The movies we are getting this time around have such low Notability. Maybe it is a pandemic thing. A way to reduce the number of people on set at any given time. Plausible.

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – There’s a lot of empty space in “Hypnotic,” a doofy, though never boring sci-fi thriller about a Texas cop, played by Ben Affleck, who stumbles upon a conspiracy of mind-controlling crooks. Or he seems to stumble upon them. Reality buckles and warps around our troubled hero, whose daughter has already gone missing before the movie starts.

(And oh yeah, spoiler alert, all that is bullshit and he is himself a mind controlling crook and the entire movie is just twist after twist until you realize that there is basically no moment of the film in which you are watching the 100% god’s honest truth. Great.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAwpu4rQpeQ/

(The reviews pretty much call it a poor man’s Inception which is exactly what it looks like. The effects looks okay. Fichtner on the other hand…)

Directors – Robert Rodriguez – ( Known For: Sin City; From Dusk Till Dawn; Alita: Battle Angel; Grindhouse; The Faculty; Spy Kids; Desperado; Planet Terror; Sin City: A Dame to Kill For; Machete; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Spy Kids: Armageddon; Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams; Four Rooms; Once Upon a Time in Mexico; We Can Be Heroes; Mimic; El Mariachi; Shorts; Red 11; Future BMT: Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World; Machete Kills; The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D; BMT: Hypnotic; Notes: Wow, our first official Rodriquez, although he have very few surprisingly. I have actually seen Machete Kills though, it is awful.)

Writers – Robert Rodriguez – ( Known For: Sin City; Grindhouse; Spy Kids; Desperado; Planet Terror; Machete; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Spy Kids: Armageddon; Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams; Four Rooms; Once Upon a Time in Mexico; We Can Be Heroes; El Mariachi; Shorts; Red 11; Future BMT: Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World; Machete Kills; The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D; UglyDolls; BMT: Hypnotic; Notes: Long time friend of Quentin Tarantino as they both broke into the business with low budget indies around the same time. This film has one son as producer, and another composed the music, they are becoming family affairs.)

Max Borenstein – ( Known For: Kong: Skull Island; Godzilla; Godzilla vs. Kong; Godzilla: King of the Monsters; Worth; BMT: Hypnotic; Notes: He wrote and created the Laker show which was just unceremoniously dumped by HBO a few months ago without resolution.)

Actors – Ben Affleck – ( Known For: The Flash; The Last Duel; Gone Girl; Dazed and Confused; Triple Frontier; Good Will Hunting; Air; Deep Water; The Accountant; Zack Snyder’s Justice League; The Town; Argo; Dogma; Field of Dreams; State of Play; Shakespeare in Love; He’s Just Not That Into You; Daredevil; School Ties; The Sum of All Fears; Future BMT: Surviving Christmas; Buffy the Vampire Slayer; Smokin’ Aces; Live by Night; 200 Cigarettes; BMT: Hypnotic; Suicide Squad; Armageddon; Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice; Justice League; Pearl Harbor; Reindeer Games; Paycheck; Gigli; Phantoms; Runner Runner; Notes: He’s had a bit of a renaissance after going through marital, alcohol-related, and being-too-jacked troubles over the past decade. Has a famously bad tattoo, and was shaped like a triangle in Air and looked ridiculous. I’m happy to report he looks like a normally proportioned human being in this film. It is nuts what being Batman can do to a man.)

Alice Braga – ( Known For: The Suicide Squad; City of God; Soul; I Am Legend; Predators; Elysium; On the Road; Blindness; Crossing Over; The Duel; Lower City; Redbelt; Kill Me Three Times; Journey to the End of the Night; O Cheiro do Ralo; Sólo Dios sabe; City of God: 10 Years Later; Ardor; Latitudes; Future BMT: The New Mutants; The Shack; BMT: Hypnotic; The Rite; Repo Men; Notes: Her mother and aunt were in Kiss of the Spider Woman and she was a kid actress via them before braking out herself.)

JD Pardo – ( Known For: F9: The Fast Saga; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; The Contractor; Snitch; Havoc; The Burning Plain; Future BMT: A Cinderella Story; BMT: Hypnotic; Supercross; Notes: Played Dom Toretto’s father in flashbacks in F9. I have not seen the later Fast and Furious films. I can’t bring myself to do it.)

Budget/Gross – $65 million / Domestic: $4,500,169 (Worldwide: $15,697,752)

(I don’t believe that budget. I just don’t. There is nothing in this film which suggests it needs to or did cost this much. That is absurd.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 32% (36/113): Although Hypnotic isn’t without glimmers of inspiration, the ultimate effect of this often clunky crime caper will be to leave you feeling rather sleepy.

(Yes, I 100% agree with this. The issue is that there are interesting bits and bobs, but you know you are watching bullshit and it makes you sleepy. Nailed it.)

Reviewer Highlight: The reality is that, not unlike an Escher painting, the damn thing keeps tying itself into knots. This isn’t the mesmerizing neuro-noir you want it to be. It’s closer to Inception for Dummies. – David Fear, Rolling Stone

Poster – HypNoTic

(Nolan-ing it up, are we, Rodriguez? Kind of bland. Hate the font. Unexpected D grade poster.)

Tagline(s) – Control is an illusion. (D)

(Ah well, they tried. Not clever, not interesting, not even sure it makes a huge amount of sense in context.)

Keyword(s) – Year 2023

Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Barbie (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (2023), The Flash (2023)

Future BMT: 84.2 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 63.2 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 49.8 Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), 47.8 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 41.6 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 37.4 My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), 31.2 The Machine (2023), 27.9 Haunted Mansion (2023), 27.1 Love Again (2023), 18.3 Nefarious (2023), 15.6 Freelance (2023), 12.4 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023)

BMT: Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), 65 (2023), Retribution (2023), Hypnotic (2023), Mafia Mamma (2023), About My Father (2023)

Best Options (Action): 44.8 Hypnotic (2023), 31.2 The Machine (2023), 15.6 Freelance (2023)

(Freelance came out of nowhere. I hadn’t even heard of it. I’m a little skeptical it actually qualified. But I guess Box Office Mojo doesn’t just make up wide release films (quite the opposite actually))

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 8) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Ben Affleck is No. 1 billed in Hypnotic and No. 1 billed in Pearl Harbor, which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 8. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Robert Rodriguez had written the initial screenplay for Hypnotic back in 2002, calling it one of his favorite stories.

The joke that the security guard tells his partner, about the man betting a bartender he can pee in a glass, is also featured in Robert Rodriguez’s earlier film ‘Desperado’ in which it was delivered by Quentin Tarantino.

In April 2022, Rodriguez confirmed that, similar to his previous films, he and his family members collaborated on the project. His son Rebel Rodriguez (full-time composer), Racer Max (co-writer/producer), Sid Rodriguez (special effects technician) daughter Rhiannon (storyboards) and his other son (Rocket) is doing the editing with Rodriguez.

Originally scheduled to be filmed in Los Angeles and throughout California in 2020, all locations were scouted and sets were built at Santa Clarita Studios when the Covid shutdown halted production and did not resume until the following year in Texas.

The first film directed by Robert Rodriguez to be primarily filmed in the anamorphic format. He previously used the format on The Mandalorian and The Book of Boba Fett.

Iron Eagle Recap

Jamie

Iron Eagles, assemble! And this is where me and Patrick swoop in flying mini fighter jets which transform like a couple transformers into Chris Klein and future academy award winner Josh Hartnett mechs. This is, of course, part of our bad movie themed children’s animated TV show, Two Guys, Two Bots and a Za Spot. Similar to the Bad Movie Twins storyline, this is the continuing adventure of me, Patrick, and our best friends CK-bot and JH-tron (and a pizza place). Unlike the BMT storyline there is less gleaming abs and hardcore frenching and more lessons learned and pizza. In this adventure we would be challenged to a race by Goobert and his Rude Tudes, but ultimately we would decline as it’s reckless and irresponsible. Meanwhile, CK-bot and JH-tron would go ahead and race them and make them look like total IDIOTS. Wait, what was I talking about?

To recap, Doug Masters is the hot dogging son of a hot shot pilot. While Doug’s hot dogging around his father gets shot down over [REDACTED]. At the same time he is rejected from the Air Force Academy (presumably for all the hot dogging), which is equally devastating. When it becomes obvious that the US government is going to do nothing to save his father (now sentenced to death) he recruits a former pilot, Chappy, to help him plan a clandestine and highly illegal rescue mission. At first Chappy doesn’t like all the rock music that Doug seems to need to aid in his hot dogging, but the seriousness with which the kid pursues the mission eventually grows on him. They are aided by a group of air force base youngsters who create a highly organized mission that may actually have a chance at success. The day comes and off they fly to take out all kinds of military installations in [REDACTED]. He hot dogs for a bit, blowing stuff up and killing like a thousand people. Chappy is hit and appears to crash in the sea, which only lights a fire under Doug. He demands the release of his father and despite some trickery by the Defense Colonel of [REDACTED] he’s able to kill loads more people and pick up his dad (what one might term The Ultimate Hot Dog). As they fly away it appears that they are going to be shot down, but at the last moment the US Air Force arrives and escorts them back home. There it’s revealed that Chappy survived! Hooray! They are both reprimanded, but in a cheeky twist Doug is “punished” by being forced to attend the Air Force Academy. Double hooray! THE END.

This is a very funny movie. Essentially they ripped off Top Gun but then decided to mix it up with Goonies. The whole time I was thinking, “I wonder how they are going to avoid having this kid blow up a bunch of people with the fighter jet he’s going to pilot?” The answer? They don’t. He just does it. It’s really no wonder that it almost immediately veers away from those family-friendly vibes and closer to an actual rip-off of Top Gun as they proceeded through the sequels. Besides that (and some very funny 80’s conservative political banter) it’s actually a pleasantly silly watch. As for Bitter Harvest, well… this is a film that kind of has to be seen to be believed. Very strange stuff. But get the kids out of the room because, despite Stephen Baldwin playing a totally weird dude, there are several very steamy sex scenes that you will be treated to. Kudos to the two lead actresses for really going for it.  Despite it being steamy and off-putting at the same time (somehow), I do have to give the film credit for one thing: I did not see the ending coming.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Iron Eagle is a scathing indictment of the US Military. No, I don’t mean the fact that the US Government is ready to leave a US pilot hero behind enemy lines to be executed without any kind of mission planned. No, that makes some sense. Don’t want to start a war without exercising some caution. No, I mean the fact that Doug is able to execute a two-man fighter jet excursion into enemy territory by basically donning a helmet and jumping into a jet. This is a child. Isn’t anyone checking ID’s? Worrisome stuff. Hot Take Temperature: A piping hot hot dog straight off the grill.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Louis Gosset Jr. and a teenager committing high treason and killing dozens of people in an international incident involving David Suchet? Let’s go!

You heard that fucking right. In this film a teenager and Louis Gosset Jr. hop into fighter jets, fly across the ocean (including multiple mid-air refuels), kill dozens of people in definitely-not-Libya, personally kill the head of a sovereign nation’s defense administration in a dog fight, and then just … get away with it? Like they swear him to secrecy and stuff, but for real … are we at war with not-Libya? Right after the credits did I miss the part where we are now engaged in a land war in Africa?

Otherwise I mean … is this movie good? It’s goofy. But also, is that fine? Is it a good movie? I enjoyed it. It is explicitly propaganda with very weird messages about the military and government in general, but is an objectively fun film.

Suchet is funny because he is really only used as a villain in American productions and usually when they need someone “Arab adjacent” or possibly French (he is not, but he has a passable accent, possibly due in part to playing the famous Belgian detective Poirot on television). Lucky for me his inclusion allows me to ask the age old question for 90s films: Is this film how-you-say … racist? Verdict: one out of five Soldier Boyz.

Gosset Jr. is hilarious in this film, and he was really milking that Academy Award Winner sheen for all he got. All the power to him.

I could give or take the kid actors (although nice to see the kid from Teen Wolf killing it here too), especially the main character who acted a bit like the Karate Kid at his whiniest.

Some nice plane stunts in the beginning. That is probably the best bit to be honest.

The entire film would have been a bit more sensical if you took the beginning all the way through the planning stage, but then at the end Gosset Jr. came to him and was like “Sorry kid, but … I can’t let you do this mission. This is real shit. But I called in a few favors and they like the plan so I’m going in with a few wingmen and you’ll be in the room when it all goes down” and the message is basically like: sometimes you can’t take no for an answer, but also be smart and go through the right channels when real lives are on the line. In the end the result is the same (his father is saved), but ultimately the message is a bit softer and it makes far more sense that they are like: you’re really smart and you love flying, but most importantly you didn’t do the rash thing when it counted which is what we were worried about … you’re in the Air Force Academy kid. The End.

Did I make the film better or worse? I think better, but also I don’t think that film I just described has three hilarious sequels so … maybe the world is worse off in the long run.

And for this film we watched the very very (very) odd Stephen Baldwin film Bitter Harvest. So … what is this film? I can actually see why Stephen Baldwin did this film. On paper I’m sure it seemed pretty good. I’m sure the sex scenes weren’t so … explicit in writing. And it seems like a juicy part in that you are playing a somewhat odd and complex character. The thing that lets it down are the music is bonkers, and the sex scenes are graphic and unrelenting. You eliminate both of those and get a real director on this thing and it is possible you had a small forgotten indie on your hands instead of a small forgotten and tragically bad indie. You know what I mean? Anyways, I think this is a solid D. I would recommend this to no one. It is weird and you can find interesting stuff in it, but it is also crazy boring and took me a week to get through. This is a zero out of five on the how-you-say Soldier Boyz racism scale.

Obviously a Product Placement (What?) for the US Military Industrial Complex, just like with Top Gun. A pretty funny Fictional Setting (Where?) for definitely-not-Libya. I think the father is a living, breathing MacGuffin (Why?), because screw it. And I do love the amazing Worst Twist (How?) for Chappy being inexplicably alive at the end. This film is Good and I’ll fight anyone who thinks otherwise.

Read about my reboot in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Iron Eagle Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I was pulling like 1000 Gs in my stolen jet fighter when, naturally, my brain exploded and I blacked out. Now I can’t remember a thing. Am I dead? Regardless, do you remember what happened in Iron Eagle?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the beginning of the film Doug is waiting for a letter. From whom and what about?

2) So what race does he then participate in and who wins?

3) Right after though Doug’s dad is captured in definitely-not-Libya and sentenced to die. How many days does he have before he’s hanged?

4) Welp, if the military isn’t going to do anything, then Doug will! Doug then meets Chappy. Where does his meet him and why does Chappy agree to help him?

5) So what’s the plan, how are they getting his father out of this definitely-not-Libyan prison?

Bonus Question: You;re in the theater waiting for those sweet trailers to drop. When suddenly … is that Doug Masters music I hear?

Answers

Iron Eagle Preview

September 1st, 1997

Jamie and Patrick are looking phat. Belt buckles? Large. Jeans? Dusty. Mountain Dew? X-treme. They are trying out stylez in their tween years and let’s just say, it’s working. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “Bad things? Again?” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of the sky and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is their imagination) they ventured forth and found themselves at the local hot air balloon park (or ‘loon park, as the kids say). Soon they are up in the air, free as a couple of dope looking birds feeling the wind blowing through their hair. Just when it seems they are about to reach a profound personal and professional moment of clarity a small airplane buzzes right by their ‘loon, nearly tossing them right out of the ‘loon basket (or ‘lasket, as the kids say). “What thuuuuu?” Jamie says, while Patrick shakes his fist at their tormeters. “Those must be the high school boyfriends of those girls we were scoping in the other ‘lasket”, Patrick says, pointing to the neighboring ‘lasket that happened to be carrying a couple of bodacious babes. Patrick and Jamie would have tried to explain that they actually already had girlfriends in the Niagara Falls area, but the pilot was long gone, having already accomplished his mission. “We look like fools,” Jamie says, ripping his shirt clean off. “Au contraire,” Patrick says and quickly reminds Jamie of the last time they were buzzed by a couple of hot dogging pilots. “Oh right, we rulez-ed those foolz,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined. With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory. That’s right! We are entering the hazard sector and checking out the classic Top Gun rip-off (kind of) Iron Eagle. We decided to pair that with a very strange Stephen Baldwin flick called Bitter Harvest. So we’re going to have a very normal time watching this very normal double feature. Let’s go!  

Iron Eagle (1986) – BMeTric: 40.7; Notability: 45

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.4%; Notability: top 4.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 10.3%; Higher BMeT: Howard the Duck, Troll, King Kong Lives, Maximum Overdrive, Raw Deal, Solarbabies, Firewalker, Poltergeist II: The Other Side, Sorority House Massacre, Club Paradise, Iron Eagle; Higher Notability: Howard the Duck, Jumpin’ Jack Flash, The Golden Child, Poltergeist II: The Other Side, Invaders from Mars, A Fine Mess, Ratboy, Raw Deal, Solarbabies, Club Paradise, Armed and Dangerous, The Clan of the Cave Bear; Lower RT: 8 Million Ways to Die, Solarbabies, King Kong Lives, Band of the Hand, American Anthem, Sorority House Massacre, Deadtime Stories, Nobody’s Fool, Firewalker, The Clan of the Cave Bear, Armed and Dangerous, TerrorVision, Dangerously Close, Club Paradise, Quicksilver, Howard the Duck, Tai-Pan, Maximum Overdrive, The Delta Force, Soul Man, and 3 more; Notes: Obviously the most interesting one is Soul Man (which played an astonishing 58 times, and the New York Times highlighted as “fast and funny” … no words). Anyways, I’m joking. I will say Band of the Hand is very weird looking (played 18 times), and the highest I looked at was The Golden Child (playing 92 times). I think mostly I was surprised to see how many times something like Solarbabies (21) or American Anthem (30) were played. This played more like Golden Child at a crazy 91 times, probably as a cheap action flick to play on HBO or USA. Premiered primetime, channel 11, on November 20, 1991. And that’s right! It was doing the Home Video Special! It played November 20, 1990, and then November 22 and 23, 1991, but otherwise not at all until 1993. Kind of weird, because it definitely shows that that strat predated Home Alone.

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars –  Dum-dum comic-book movie about an 18-year-old who commandeers an F-16 fighter jet and flies to the Middle East (playing rock music on his Walkman all the way) in order to save his dad, who’s been taken prisoner. Full of jingoistic ideals, dubious ethics, and people who die and miraculously come back to life. Not boring, just stupid. Followed by three sequels.

(Fun fact: the first three films received the same grade by Leonard. It is dum-dum indeed, and for the record, Louis Gosset Jr. isn’t a zombie at the end, he just has a dumb twist ending where his noble and inspiring deal was instead a noble and inspiring not-death.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0S2CdOrSJ-8/

(Already love the soundtrack. And I’m loving this guy’s ‘tude. Whatever, I already love this movie. Screw it. Also Suchet, bam, love it. They are using that “Academy Award Winner” status for Gosset Jr. for all it’s worth too.)

Directors – Sidney J. Furie – ( Known For: The Entity; The Ipcress File; My 5 Wives; Little Fauss and Big Halsy; The Appaloosa; The Boys in Company C; Lady Sings the Blues; Iron Eagle II; The Leather Boys; Purple Hearts; The Taking of Beverly Hills; Sheila Levine Is Dead and Living in New York; Night of the Juggler; Hit!; Iron Eagle on the Attack; The Naked Runner; Hollow Point; Rock My World; Doctor Blood’s Coffin; Gable and Lombard; Future BMT: Ladybugs; BMT: Superman IV: The Quest for Peace; Iron Eagle; Notes: Wild career, lots of action which then petered out with a few Dolph Lundgren direct to videos in the 00s. But he also directed episodes of 18 Wheels of Justice. The very meandering IMDb plot synopsis is worth a read. And yeah, its premiere was highlighted in the January 12, 2000 NY Times listing on TNN.)

Writers – Kevin Alyn Elders – ( Known For: Echelon Conspiracy; Iron Eagle II; Future BMT: Aces: Iron Eagle III; BMT: Iron Eagle; Notes: The trailer for Echelon Conspiracy is something else. He also directed Simon Sez which is nuts.)

Sidney J. Furie – ( Known For: The Boys in Company C; Iron Eagle II; Purple Hearts; The Taking of Beverly Hills; The Rage; The Lawyer; Night of Passion; A Dangerous Age; Future BMT: Aces: Iron Eagle III; BMT: Iron Eagle; Notes: He is incredibly old. He was born in 1933 and he was writing on television series in the 50s. Pretty wild that in his 50s he was writing-directing Iron Eagle of all things.)

Actors – Louis Gossett Jr. – ( Known For: An Officer and a Gentleman; The Punisher; Toy Soldiers; The Deep; Enemy Mine; The Principal; Travels with My Aunt; Diggstown; Three Months; The Perfect Game; The Choirboys; A Raisin in the Sun; The Landlord; The Laughing Policeman; Undercover Grandpa; Iron Eagle II; Left Behind III: World at War; Cover; Not to Forget; Finders Keepers; Future BMT: Blue Chips; Firewalker; Daddy’s Little Girls; Why Did I Get Married Too?; Delgo; Aces: Iron Eagle III; A Good Man in Africa; BMT: Jaws 3-D; Iron Eagle; Notes: He won an Oscar for An Officer and a Gentleman, and then he starting cashing dem checks. He obviously has an excellent filmography, I just also know he did a ton of garbage in the 90s. More power to him.)

Jason Gedrick – ( Known For: Risky Business; Backdraft; Born on the Fourth of July; Bad Boys; Iron Eagle II; Promised Land; Crossing the Bridge; The Zoo Gang; One Eyed King; War Flowers; Power 98; Massive Retaliation; Future BMT: The Heavenly Kid; Rooftops; BMT: Iron Eagle; Summer Catch; Notes: Incredibly, he’s an actual actor still. Not typical for these types of teen roles. He was in 10 episodes of Dexter.)

David Suchet – ( Known For: Flushed Away; The Bank Job; Executive Decision; Harry and the Hendersons; A Perfect Murder; Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes; Effie Gray; The Missionary; The Falcon and the Snowman; Foolproof; The Little Drummer Girl; Flood; A World Apart; To Kill A Priest; When the Whales Came; Trenchcoat; Sunday; Future BMT: American Assassin; Arthur and the Invisibles; The In-Laws; BMT: Iron Eagle; Wing Commander; Notes: Y’all know David Suchet! … right? Poirot? Whatever, he tends to play bad guys when they need someone vaguely Middle Eastern (which he isn’t. See this film, or Executive Decision), or someone French (which he isn’t. But Poirot is Belgian, which means he can play the French villain in Harry and the Hendersons).)

Budget/Gross – $18 million / Domestic: $24,159,872 (Worldwide: $24,159,872)

(That ain’t bad, and now we see why this film has two crazier sequels.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 20% (1/5)

(Oooooooo, a little synopsis for me? A blatant rip-off of Top Gun, this somehow is even more absurd and imperialistic.)

NY Times Short Review: Conventional but diverting Middle East kidnap-adventure. 

Poster – Fred ‘Iron’ Segal

(This is an A+… if it were the cover of a dime store thriller. Ha! C-.)

Tagline(s) – Break the sound barrier. Break the speed barrier. (F… but actually a nonsensical C-)

(Oh, so you didn’t want to write out the thousand words that are actually on the poster? I don’t even know where this one comes from, but it’s miles better than the poster’s “tagline.” Because I’m a professional I have to give this an F because it’s not the tagline I see.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), The Godfather (1972), Scarface (1983), 12 Angry Men (1957), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Back to the Future Part II (1989), Dead Poets Society (1989), Citizen Kane (1941), The Game (1997), Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.0 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.2 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.3 Club Paradise (1986), 38.8 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.8 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.7 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.7 Leviathan (1989), 34.3 Spring Break (1983)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Lock Up (1989), Magic in the Water (1995), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Best Options (Action): 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.0 Iron Eagle (1986), 38.8 Fled (1996), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 27.9 Krull (1983), 25.7 Any Which Way You Can (1980), 25.7 The Cowboy Way (1994), 24.6 A Low Down Dirty Shame (1994), 24.5 A Fine Mess (1986), 20.8 Kickboxer (1989), 18.5 Stick (1985), 12.1 Only the Strong (1993), 8.0 Let It Ride (1989)

(Hellllllll yeah. Love to see it. We’ll hit up a bunch of these in the future. Krull in particular is a weird but very fun film I would like to revisit at some point.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Tim Thomerson is No. 4 billed in Iron Eagle and No. 5 billed in Rhinestone, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (4 + 5) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 18. If we were to watch American Dreamz we can get the HoE Number down to 15.

Notes – During the Snake Scene, in which Doug Masters races his Cessna 150 against a motorcycle-riding Knotcher, the pilot of the Cessna 150 Aerobat was renowned aerobatic pilot Art Scholl. He was killed later that year when his Pitts S-2 camera plane crashed while filming in-cockpit footage for the flat spin sequence in Top Gun (1986).

The character of Colonel Charles “Chappy” Sinclair was inspired by the real life U.S. Air Force General Daniel “Chappie” James, Jr. General Chappie James was a member of the famed all-black Tuskegee Airmen, and also flew fighter jets in the Korean War and the Vietnam War. He later became the first black four-star General in U.S. history.

In some scenes, some of the ordinance carried on the F-16s was real, rather than props. At one point during filming the Israeli Air Force (IAF) was called upon to carry out a strike against terrorist targets in Lebanon. A ground controller saw a pair of IAF F-16s already in the air with the required load-out, and vectored them toward the target. They were halfway to the target when someone realized the aircraft that had been ordered to attack were attached to the film shoot, and that the planes were emblazoned with American markings and insignia. They were recalled from the strike in time to avoid an international incident.

This film was originally intended to be released in the summer of 1986, but the release was pushed up to January to avoid competition and confusion with Top Gun (1986).

Morgan Freeman auditioned for the role of Chappy Sinclair.

Green Lantern Recap

Jamie

We’ve been on two streaks lately. One is watching films we’ve seen before. In some cases it’s just once before (Green Lantern), in others it’s several times (The Animal), and then still others it’s dozens if not millions of times (Canadian Bacon). The other streak is seeing films where I go, ‘While I don’t think this is great, I also kind of miss this style of movie. If only they could give us more The Animal’s!’ Could Green Lantern keep that streak alive? I recall exactly where I was when I watched Green Lantern because I went into it thinking “I’m ready to like this movie because it can’t really be as bad as people say it is.” Unfortunately, the critics were correct and I really did not like the film. But time heals all wounds, so let’s see if this is actually a hidden gem in the superhero genre that’ll leave me with a fond feeling of nostalgia.

To recap, Hal Jordan is a hot shot pilot who breaks all of the rules. When he is pitted against a couple of robot planes you know rules are about to be broken. And they are. But also he’s haunted by his father’s death and in a panic has to bail out of his plane following all his rad risk taking. Everyone is pretty pissed at him because he probably cost his company a big contract, but his GF4Life, Carol, swoops in and smooths it all over. While he’s off contemplating his life he’s snapped up by a green light and brought to a dying alium. This alium is a Green Lantern, a team of space cops that keep the whole universe safe. He was mortally wounded by a fear alium called Parallax and now his ring must choose a new Green Lantern. Turns out that’s Hal. Hal is then transported to the Green Lantern realm where they start to teach him how to be a Lantern, but ultimately decide that humans are too weak. He goes back to Earth despondent. Since he’s been gone the nerd son of a US Senator, Hector, was called to study the dead alium and he gets poisoned by fear. This ultimately takes over his body giving him psychic abilities and slowly draining him physically. At a celebration of his company’s big contract, Hal witnesses a disaster caused by Hector and steps in to use his Lantern powers to save the day. Shortly thereafter he battles Hector again and through a telepathic link learns of Parallax’s plan to destroy Earth. Horrified he begs the rest of the Lanterns to help him, but failing that to at least delay using the power of fear against Parallax until he has a chance to try to defeat it himself. They agree and in the final battle Hal is able to use his courage and cunning to trick Parallax into flying into the sun like a giant dope. He then smooches Carol hard and flies away to become a space cop. THE END. 

Nope! I hate this movie. This is one of my least favorite watches we’ve had this year. Satire is dead, but this might have been able to revive it… you know, if they weren’t actually trying to make a real movie. It seems impossible that they could do everything so wrong. Just by chance you would think some things would go right, but even the thing I think was underrated at the time (Peter Sarsgaard’s villain, who is more fun than I remember) was relegated to a joke when he literally wheels out in a wheelchair to face our hero in the final fight. A nerd in a wheelchair is the final boss?! That’s funny, right? Anyway, the film very quickly lands in CGI muck that makes whole scenes incomprehensible and editing it all together a nightmare. It does seem about right that the director ran in the opposite direction of this and ended up making things like Memory starring Liam Neeson… where the only thing computer generated was Liam Neeson’s knees. Ay oh.

Hot Take Clam Bake! This isn’t the end. Now, I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. I know we see him fly off into space to be a space cop and all that, so sure we think “we got all the story, case closed. No more Green Lantern for us.” But then if you watch after the credits they show Sinestro (that character we all know and love) totally put on the fear ring that Hal told him to definitely not put on. So like… I think we just have to wait a little bit longer and we’ll get that story. Maybe they are just waiting for the DCU to catch up so we can see it… like when Batgirl comes out, maybe we’ll be in the right spot to get that film we’ve all been waiting so patiently for…. Wait… what happened to Batgirl?!?! You can’t do this to Franchise Guy! Hot Take Temperature: Searing Sarcasm.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about Ryan Reynolds flying around with a bad CGI super suit and losing a bunch of money? Let’s go!

There are two different versions of this film. For the record I watched the Extended Cut. I have a feeling the Extended Cut is slightly better than the theatrical, only because the first half of this film is actually kind of nice. Actually, everything besides the Green Lantern stuff works for me.

Very funny re-listening to the Flop House episode of this where they say (I think correctly) that Ryan Reynolds “is not a movie star. At least not yet.” That was 100% accurate at the time. It would end up being untrue a decade later when he somehow became a billionaire and stars in a bunch of franchises and stuff.

One of those rare movies where I think something relatively small is the worst bit of the film. I think the soundtrack is the worst. A pretty terrible example of the heavy metal that was popular at the time (and definitely isn’t popular now).

What did we learn here? We learned to not be openly hostile to your genius son because he’ll probably telekinesis you around and then barbeque you with some inexplicably available robot flamethrower arms.

We learned that you can just quit your job and keep the stuff they gave you even if it was a super awesome green lantern ring. This feels like a “company laptop” type deal. There is no way he is just flying around on Earth with that ring after quitting.

We learned Sinestro is a jerk boss whose onboarding plan appears to be “demean this person for an hour and see if he quits.” Wrong strat on Hal it turns out, and guess what? He’s the best.

And finally we learned that Hal is extraordinary because humans are extraordinary. We are, it turns out, especially imaginative. Like we can imagine throwing a big large evil blob into the Sun. You didn’t think of that Sinestro, did you?

He probably thought of it because it has been done multiple times in other comic book movies at this point. I call it the Quest for Peace. Throw all the bad junk in the Sun and forget about it.

Definitely Product Placement (What?) for Dell servers which run all the cutting edge weapons start ups. I think that’s it. This is Bad because it is boring, but it was closer to Good than people want to admit, they just majorly fumble all the stuff involving Green Lantern.

Read about my sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs