Bring a Friend – Page 2 – Bad Movie Twins

Rocky V Preview

Jamie, Samantha, Patrick and Kyle all quadruple group hug. Tears and snot mingle on their shirts. For a brief shining moment Samantha sees her roller rink beaus looking down from heaven nodding and giving her a thumbs up. “I couldn’t help but overhear,” Patrick says, when the group hug had run its course, putting emphasis on the word ‘overhear’ in order to really hammer home the lessons they all learned that day. “But what ever happened to Alajandro and Brad?” Samantha smiles sadly. “In a wild coincidence they also had vague terminal illnesses. It was part of why they were engaging in the particularly risky activities of drag racing and rollerskating on the day I met them. They each, separately and unknown to the other, had nothing left to live for… I guess that is until they met little ol’ me. And then once they were gone,” with that her voice catches and she runs her hand across a faded heart carved in the Wall of Lovers. “Once they were gone I also didn’t have much to live for and so why not take part in an obvious sham Fashion Week? Why not dress as half a horse? I just didn’t count on meeting my actual other half that day.” Jamie and Samantha share a passionate kiss. The smooch goes on and on, seemingly (and in actuality) for hours. It would have been extremely uncomfortable for Patrick and Kyle to stand there watching them if it wasn’t so beautiful. A beautiful unique tragic love. A tear runs down Kyle’s face as he ponders the beautiful unique mannequin he will craft to remember this moment by. Samantha and Jamie break their kiss and with eyes shining Samantha asks, “You wanted to know what was next?” Jamie nods. “It’s time to Rock.” That’s right! It is time to rock. Rocky IV and Rocky V that is. Rocky IV hasn’t always qualified, so we are jumping at that chance. Rocky V? That’s always qualified. For a Friend we are bringing along The Invisible Maniac. It’s about a maniac that turns himself invisible. It’s all there in the title. Let’s go!

Rocky V (1990) – BMeTric: 55.1; Notability: 52

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 2.0%; Notability: top 4.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 19.7%; Higher BMeT: Captain America, Look Who’s Talking Too, The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter, Ghost Dad, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III; Higher Notability: RoboCop 2, The Bonfire of the Vanities, Predator 2, Days of Thunder, Jetsons: The Movie, Young Guns II, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Air America, Marked for Death, The Rookie, Captain America, Stella; Lower RT: Problem Child, Death Warrant, Graveyard Shift, Repossessed, Loose Cannons, Soultaker, Madhouse, Funny About Love, Captain America, Ghost Dad, Fire Birds, Spaced Invaders, Meet the Applegates, Where the Heart Is, Heart Condition, Ernest Goes to Jail, Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection, Look Who’s Talking Too, Air America, Everybody Wins, and 27 more; Notes: I literally cannot believe Rocky V played on television as much as it did (72 times). It is also interesting that the top BMeT films are often just not that popular. Here Captain America played 17 times, but the next three after played 66, 51, and 32 times. Robocop 2 also played 54 times. Anyways, of all the Rocky films this is the big gun from a Notability and BMeT perspective.

New York Times – Rocky, Buffeted by Fists and Life, Returns to His Roots – HIDDEN in the attic at the Balboa manor house are a black leather jacket, an old sweatshirt and a porkpie hat, relics of the Rocky of yore. Early in “Rocky V,” the humbled ex-champ is forced to take these things, put them back on and go home to palookaville (in this case, South Philadelphia), as if he had never been noisily and conspicuously on top of the world. … It’s a smart move. There’s life in the old boy yet.

(MY GOD. How embarrassing for the New York Times. And that’s Janet Maslin, that ain’t no scrub watching this film. I can see the point … it just doesn’t square with the last 10 minutes of the film.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2_k8p3RQx4/

(An unscrupulous promoter ehhhhhhhhh. It is kind of insane that they don’t actually fight in the film. It is ridiculous that they don’t even have the fight. It is effectively what Rocky Balboa is about.)

Directors – John G. Avildsen – ( Known For: Rocky; The Karate Kid; The Karate Kid Part II; Lean on Me; Inferno; The Power of One; Neighbors; Save the Tiger; Joe; The Formula; A Night in Heaven; Hurry Sundown; W.W. and the Dixie Dancekings; Happy New Year; Cry Uncle; Guess What We Learned in School Today?; Slow Dancing in the Big City; Foreplay; The Stoolie; Future BMT: The Karate Kid Part III; 8 Seconds; For Keeps?; BMT: Rocky V; Notes: Nominated for Traveling Hopefully, and won Best Director for Rocky. Kind of amazing he managed to make both the best and worst Rocky film.)

Writers – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: Rocky; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Creed; First Blood; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Creed II; Cliffhanger; Homefront; Creed III; F.I.S.T.; Paradise Alley; Future BMT: Staying Alive; BMT: Rambo; Rocky IV; The Expendables 3; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Rocky V; Rambo III; Rambo: Last Blood; Cobra; Over the Top; Driven; Rhinestone; Notes: He has only ever been nominated for Rocky films. Which … I mean looking at his writing credits, that makes perfect sense.)

Actors – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Rocky; Men in Black; The Suicide Squad; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Creed; First Blood; Escape Plan; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Antz; Creed II; Cliffhanger; Cop Land; M*A*S*H; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Samaritan; Future BMT: Staying Alive; Ratchet & Clank; BMT: Rambo; Rocky IV; The Expendables 3; Demolition Man; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Rocky V; Rambo III; Judge Dredd; Tango & Cash; Rambo: Last Blood; Assassins; Cobra; Daylight; The Specialist; Zookeeper; Grudge Match; Over the Top; Lock Up; The Expendables 4; Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; Driven; Get Carter; Oscar; Rhinestone; Notes: Although, I do think people think Cop Land is the one people point to and say: that is where he should have been nominated or even won. I do like the performance, but the film is just a little blah.)

Talia Shire – ( Known For: The Godfather; The Godfather Part II; Rocky; The Godfather Part III; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; I Heart Huckabees; Palo Alto; Megalopolis; New York Stories; Sly; She’s So Lovely; Rad; Prophecy; The Sparks Brothers; The Dunwich Horror; Deadfall; Homo Erectus; Gas! -Or- It Became Necessary to Destroy the World in Order to Save It.; BMT: Rocky IV; Rocky V; Notes: I did not realize Talia Shire was in Rad. She played Mrs. Jones. And now I need to see this film.)

Burt Young – ( Known For: Rocky; Once Upon a Time in America; Chinatown; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Win Win; New York, I Love You; Transamerica; Mickey Blue Eyes; Back to School; Convoy; Sly; Rob the Mob; The Pope of Greenwich Village; She’s So Lovely; The Killer Elite; Across 110th Street; Last Exit to Brooklyn; The Gambler; BMT: Rocky IV; Rocky V; The Adventures of Pluto Nash; Going Overboard; Amityville II: The Possession; Notes: I find it crazy he was third billed here, it obviously should have been Stallone’s son. His son’s performance is crazy in this, but also it is quite bad.)

Budget/Gross – $42 million / Domestic: $40,946,358 (Worldwide: $119,946,358)

(This isn’t bad, but yeah, it is obvious the series had ended once the domestic take didn’t hit $100 million. I can’t imagine what Rocky VI would have been though … I guess him training his son?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 32% (12/38): Rocky V’s attempts to recapture the original’s working-class grit are as transparently phony as each of the thuddingly obvious plot developments in a misguided installment that sent the franchise flailing into longterm limbo.

(I cannot believe this has a 32% on Rotten Tomatoes. This film is genuinely horrid. And yeah, Rocky V is exclusively the reason this franchise went dark for years.)

New york Times Description: Scraping the barrel. Sweaty and juiceless.

Poster – Rock ’em Sock ’em V: Maybe Lay Off the Socking For a Bit

(Really terrible. Also very funny that the whole film is based on the idea that he’s training the next big Rocky sensation, but the poster is more or less “not so fast.” D.)

Tagline(s) – Go for it! (F)

(Not this one. Go back to the one that implies the fight in the film is actually on the level of a world war.)

Keyword(s) – 1983-1991

Top 10: The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Back to the Future (1985), Goodfellas (1990), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983), Die Hard (1988), The Terminator (1984), Scarface (1983), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Future BMT: 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 72.5 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 67.9 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 61.1 Staying Alive (1983), 59.1 Suburban Commando (1991), 57.7 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.6 Ghost Dad (1990), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 55.1 Who’s That Girl (1987), 54.8 Curse of the Pink Panther (1983), 53.5 Graffiti Bridge (1990), 52.5 Johnny Be Good (1988), 52.5 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 52.4 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.2 Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise (1987), 51.8 Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), 49.3 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 48.7 Hercules (1983), 48.6 Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990), 48.6 My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988)

BMT: Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Troll 2 (1990), Jaws 3-D (1983), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Going Overboard (1989), Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989), Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989), Mac and Me (1988), Caddyshack II (1988), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Howard the Duck (1986), Supergirl (1984), Cool as Ice (1991), Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985), The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987), Leonard Part 6 (1987), Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989), Superman III (1983), Poltergeist III (1988), A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989), Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987), Wild Orchid (1989), …

(Kind of crazy this isn’t one of the tops. The only one worth anything there I think is The Karate Kid Part III. That series really really goes off the rails.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 9) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Sylvester Stallone is No. 1 billed in Rocky V and No. 1 billed in The Expendables 3, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 9. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 8.

Notes – Sylvester Stallone originally planned to make the effects of Rocky’s brain damage much more visible and painful to see, but altered these plans after watching a few days of footage because the sight of Rocky like that was “like seeing your favorite dog with dysplasia.”

During shooting, John G. Avildsen felt that cinematographer Steven Poster was over-lighting many scenes. He told Poster he wanted the film to look more like Rocky (1976), in which James Crabe often used a single spotlight to light an entire scene (such as the opening boxing match). Poster told Avildsen that the original film “looked like a cheap documentary”. Avildsen smiled and said, “Exactly”.

In an interview with Jonathan Ross, Sylvester Stallone was asked to rate each of the “Rocky” movies out of 10. He gave this movie zero.

Sylvester Stallone originally toyed with the idea of killing Rocky off at the end of the film. The plan was that Rocky would die in an ambulance on its way to the hospital with Adrian by his side. At the hospital, she would have announced to the world of his passing and his spirit would live on with a final flashback of the famous scene of him running up the steps. Stallone ultimately abandoned this concept and rewrote the ending.

This is the first movie where Rocky’s real name, Robert, is used. When Rocky first meets Tommy Gunn, as George Washington Duke pulls up in his limo, Duke says “Mr. Robert ‘Rocky’ Balboa!”

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (Irwin Winkler, Robert Chartoff)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Sylvester Stallone)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Talia Shire)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Burt Young)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (John G. Avildsen)

Rocky IV Preview

Rocky IV (1985) – BMeTric: 10.9; Notability: 54

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.0%; Notability: top 3.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 19.6%; Higher BMeT: Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, Howling II: … Your Sister Is a Werewolf, Red Sonja, Porky’s Revenge, King Solomon’s Mines, Perfect, Transylvania 6-5000, Creature, Gymkata, American Ninja, Private Resort, Invasion U.S.A., Once Bitten, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, Death Wish 3, Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend, Avenging Angel, National Lampoon’s European Vacation, King David, A View to a Kill, and 20 more; Higher Notability: A View to a Kill, Spies Like Us, My Science Project, King David, Maxie, National Lampoon’s European Vacation, Santa Claus, Perfect; Lower RT: American Ninja, That Was Then… This Is Now, Head Office, Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer, The Slugger’s Wife, Maxie, Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend, King Solomon’s Mines, King David, Once Bitten, My Science Project, Private Resort, Fever Pitch, Death Wish 3, Summer Rental, Tuff Turf, Gymkata, Rustlers’ Rhapsody, Perfect, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, and 24 more; Notes: Obviously quite low BMeTric. If you look at the top 10 there, this guy played the most in the 90s (63 times), but Red Sonja is close behind (62 times). I do love that Gymkata played 35 times. There is something about that movie which felt like it was a modern 2000s rediscovery, but presumably a ton of people watched it in the 90s and that is how it became a cult film.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – The “Rocky” series is finally losing its legs. It’s been a long run, one hit movie after another, but “Rocky IV” is a last gasp, a film so predictable that viewing it is like watching one of those old sitcoms where the characters never change and the same situations turn up again and again. Even Sylvester Stallone seems to be getting tired of the series; as the writer and director, as well as the star, he puts himself through the same old paces.

(I suppose the irony would be that Rocky as a series is basically still going, and not only that but the third Creed film is making all the same mistakes as Ebert is pointing out here. Time is a flat circle.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kp1e9ReSD0E/

(Apollo nooooooooooooooooo! Insane that they just mention that in the first trailer. The music sting at the end though is immediately a classic. The movie looks insane and amazing. Which it is.)

Directors – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: The Expendables; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Paradise Alley; Future BMT: Staying Alive; BMT: Rambo; Rocky IV; Notes: He didn’t direct as much as I really remember, although he directed more Rockys than I would have thought. He is likely to never direct again as well, he seems to be doing smaller films plus writing these days.)

Writers – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: Rocky; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Creed; First Blood; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Creed II; Cliffhanger; Homefront; Creed III; F.I.S.T.; Paradise Alley; Future BMT: Staying Alive; BMT: Rambo; Rocky IV; The Expendables 3; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Rocky V; Rambo III; Rambo: Last Blood; Cobra; Over the Top; Driven; Rhinestone; Notes: Staying Alive is upcoming and yeah … that means we are going to legit be done with Sly the writer and director. He does have an upcoming writing gig though, but I’m somewhat convinced that will be review-proof to some degree.)

Actors – Sylvester Stallone – ( Known For: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Rocky; Men in Black; The Suicide Squad; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Creed; First Blood; Escape Plan; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Antz; Creed II; Cliffhanger; Cop Land; M*A*S*H; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Samaritan; Future BMT: Staying Alive; Ratchet & Clank; BMT: Rambo; Rocky IV; The Expendables 3; Demolition Man; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Rocky V; Rambo III; Judge Dredd; Tango & Cash; Rambo: Last Blood; Assassins; Cobra; Daylight; The Specialist; Zookeeper; Grudge Match; Over the Top; Lock Up; The Expendables 4; Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; Driven; Get Carter; Oscar; Rhinestone; Notes: And then there will be only Ratchet & Clank in the new year. When we watch Staying Alive that will be our 25th Stallone film. Insane. He seems a bit busy with Tulsa King these days to churn out stinkers.)

Talia Shire – ( Known For: The Godfather; The Godfather Part II; Rocky; The Godfather Part III; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; I Heart Huckabees; Palo Alto; Megalopolis; New York Stories; Sly; She’s So Lovely; Rad; Prophecy; The Sparks Brothers; The Dunwich Horror; Deadfall; Homo Erectus; Gas! -Or- It Became Necessary to Destroy the World in Order to Save It.; BMT: Rocky IV; Rocky V; Notes: Nominated twice for Oscars for The Godfather Part II and Rocky. She was amazing in The Godfather Part II, and she is by far the best thing in some of these later Rocky films even though she doesn’t get much to do and people make fun of her for it.)

Burt Young – ( Known For: Rocky; Once Upon a Time in America; Chinatown; Rocky II; Rocky Balboa; Rocky III; Win Win; New York, I Love You; Transamerica; Mickey Blue Eyes; Back to School; Convoy; Sly; Rob the Mob; The Pope of Greenwich Village; She’s So Lovely; The Killer Elite; Across 110th Street; Last Exit to Brooklyn; The Gambler; BMT: Rocky IV; Rocky V; The Adventures of Pluto Nash; Going Overboard; Amityville II: The Possession; Notes: Oh wow, we finished off Burt Young. I suppose I just always expected there to be another random weird 80s Burt Young to go to in the end. Rocky was really a phenomenon, he was also nominated for an Oscar for it.)

Budget/Gross – $28 million / Domestic: $127,873,716 (Worldwide: $300,473,716)

(Gigantic. Rocky V truly is so terrible is scared even the money-making machines of Hollywood away from the series for a decade or two. This isn’t even a good movie and it just easily breaks $250 million in the 80s.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 39% (20/51): Rocky IV inflates the action to absurd heights, but it ultimately rings hollow thanks to a story that hits the same basic beats as the first three entries in the franchise.

(Juuuuuuust right there. Indeed it hasn’t qualified for years, but just a few months ago that switched and Rocky IV became a qualifier again. We would have watched it regardless.)

New York Times Description: This time he boxes a Soviet giant. Guess who wins.

Poster – Rock ’em Sock ’em IV: Sockin’ Again

(Spoiler alert! It’s OK. Just wish it didn’t spoil the end. S for spoilees.)

Tagline(s) – Get ready for the next world war. (B+)

(Holy shit. That’s not clever but it is great. I want to give it an A, but I’m a stickler for the tagline as everyone knows.)

Keyword(s) – 1983-1991

Best Options (franchise): 72.7 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 67.9 Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 (1983), 57.7 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 56.7 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 55.1 Rocky V (1990), 54.8 Curse of the Pink Panther (1983), 52.5 Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983), 52.4 Porky’s Revenge (1985), 52.2 Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise (1987), 51.8 Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), 48.6 Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990), 47.2 Big Top Pee-wee (1988), 45.7 Children of the Corn (1984), 44.8 American Ninja (1985), 44.7 Missing in Action (1984), 41.9 House II: The Second Story (1987), 41.4 Speed Zone (1989), 41.0 Death Wish 4: The Crackdown (1987), 40.9 The Delta Force (1986), 38.0 House Party 2 (1991), 37.7 Return of the Living Dead II (1988), 34.0 Ernest Saves Christmas (1988), 33.4 Death Wish 3 (1985), 31.3 Ernest Scared Stupid (1991), 31.0 Jetsons: The Movie (1990), 30.1 Creepshow 2 (1987), 26.6 National Lampoon’s European Vacation (1985), 24.2 A View to a Kill (1985), 24.1 Oh, God! You Devil (1984), 17.7 Phantasm II (1988), 17.4 Best of the Best (1989), 15.1 The Black Stallion Returns (1983), 10.9 Rocky IV (1985)

(This isn’t the one we did, we did Rocky V for this. It is kind of crazy Rocky V isn’t more reviled. It is actually truly trash, and bizarre to boot.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 9) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Sylvester Stallone is No. 1 billed in Rocky IV and No. 1 billed in The Expendables 3, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 9. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 8.

Notes – Sylvester Stallone decided that for the shooting of the fight, he and Dolph Lundgren should hit one another for real, so as to increase the intensity of the scene. After doing three takes of Rocky taking shots to ribs, Stallone felt a burning in his chest, but ignored it. Later that night, he had difficulty breathing and was taken to a nearby emergency room. It was discovered that his blood pressure was over 200, and he had to be flown on a low-altitude flight from Vancouver, Canada to St. John’s Hospital in Santa Monica, where he remained in intensive care for four days. What had happened was that Lundgren had punched him so hard in the chest, Stallone’s heart had slammed up against his breastbone and began to swell, cutting off the blood supply and restricting the oxygen flow throughout the body. . However, when asked about whether or not it really happened while answering a series of fan questions in a 2021 interview with the Guardian, Lundgren claimed to have no recollection of the incident. “I don’t know,” he said. “[Stallone] keeps talking about it, so maybe he’s right. He did go to the hospital, but I don’t know whether it was my punches or the fact that he was so overworked as the director, actor and writer. We shot those 15 rounds over two or three weeks, eight or 12 hours a day, so you’re throwing thousands of punches. If you don’t connect, it looks a bit fake, but it doesn’t mean you want to hurt the other guy. But there were no hard feelings.” He went on to explain that stand-ins and stunt doubles were rarely used, and that he has performed the majority of his own stunts and fight scenes–but that this has changed in more recent years. “Back in the day, you had to do it all yourself: Rocky IV, The Punisher, Masters of the Universe, all the Expendables,” he said. “I’ve jumped from a motorcycle to a truck; dangerous things I would never do now. Staying physically fit over the years has been nice. There aren’t many actors who can stay physically fit for a long time. Part of the game is trying to look fit, at least.”

“Rocky IV” became the highest-grossing film in the “Rocky” series to date, taking in just over 300 million dollars worldwide.

During filming, Dolph Lundgren and Carl Weathers really did not get along and got into an altercation. Lundgren threw Weathers into a corner of the boxing ring. After that, Weathers shouted profanities at Lundgren while leaving the ring and announced that he was calling his agent and quitting the movie. Only after Sylvester Stallone forced the two actors to reconcile did the movie continue. This event caused a four-day work stoppage while Weathers was talked back into the part and Lundgren agreed to tone down his aggressiveness.

James Brown is seen performing the song “Living In America” prior to the Creed vs. Drago match. The song was released as a single from the movie’s soundtrack and became Brown’s first Top 40 single in eleven years, and the last of his career.

Over 8,000 people auditioned for the part of Ivan Drago. Dolph Lundgren was first turned down by the casting directors for being too tall but later on, he got the chance to send photos and meet Sylvester Stallone who told him he had a good chance to get the part, but advised him to gain twenty pounds of muscle. In total, it took Lundgren several months to win the part.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (Irwin Winkler, Robert Chartoff)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Sylvester Stallone)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Burt Young)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Brigitte Nielsen)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Talia Shire)

Spawn Recap

Jamie

I distinctly remember Spawn coming out. The comic was big in the household, but I was kind of young to read it… besides I never really got into comic books to that extent. That being said, Spawn looked cool and it was something fun to watch while over at a sleepover. Just young enough that things like Judge Dredd and Spawn were really toeing the line of “oh shit, things are getting real,” when it came to what we were allowed to watch. So we watched this at a sleepover. We had a ball. I remember loving it. Just laughing and laughing at The Pest star John Leguizamo. In fact that probably also factored into why we watched this movie. We loved The Pest. Anyway, that wasn’t the memorable part. The memorable part was coming home and having our older brother ask what we watched and us saying we saw Spawn and loved it and he was actually like… upset that we would find Spawn and particularly Leguizamo’s character funny in any way. One of those moments where I thought “wait, do I love things that everyone agrees is bad?” But that couldn’t be… because then maybe The Pest would be bad. Gasp.

To recap, Al Simmons is a CIA operative who kinda sorta is aware that maybe he’s the baddie. More specifically he’s getting suspicious that his superior Jason Wynn might be a baddie. Sensing he might be losing Simmons, Wynn sets up a job during which he explodes Simmons and sends him to Hell. When in Hell, Simmons is recruited to fight for a demon and lead Armageddon (coolio) in exchange for seeing his wife again. This is a monkey paw situation, of course, as he returns to Earth five years later and totally burnt to a crisp. His wife is remarried to his best friend and he starts to wonder about that deal he made. An old man named Cogliostro turns out to be devil spawn as well, but tries to guide Simmons towards a different path. A path of justice. But the demon helper The Violator is also guiding Spawn towards completing his agreement. Simmons, now Spawn, decides to ambush Wynn and almost kills him. Ultimately The Violator conspires to get Wynn to attach a bioweapon to his heart as protection against another ambush. But the real plan is to get Spawn to kill him and start Armageddon. Added incentive is a plan to kill his family. Ultimately they clash and Spawn is able to extract the bioweapon and is sent to Hell as punishment. He does battle with demon hordes and eventually is able to defeat The Violator and send Wynn to jail. Seeing that his family is happy, Spawn decides to dedicate his life to justice. THE END.

This is a very mixed movie. I actually think if they had perhaps chosen a bigger (and better, sorry Michael Jai White) star this might have worked enough to get middling reviews (i.e. not-BMT). And if they had followed through on doing at least some practical effects for Hell, then maybe it might have even risen further because they were really going for it in the film and by all accounts just ran out of time and money. Leguizamo is kind of amazing and there is some really striking practical effects for the monster he turns into. But the rest is real B-level, almost straight-to-video, action schlock. So it’s kind of hard to argue super strongly for the good. It’s fun though. I’m a bit surprised there hasn’t been more of a revisionist history on it. Even Martin Sheen, who is absolutely devouring every scene he is in, kinda fits today’s sensibilities of someone really going for it in a genre film. As for An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, stop being dumb The Razzies. This is just not big enough to require a roasting by anyone. Clearly hijacked by Eszterhas and he’s a weird dude. All that being said… Stallone is kind of funny in it. I love Stallone.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Spawn’s wife’s marriage to Cutting Edge ain’t lasting. She just got a look at Spawn. Sure he’s roasted and toasted, but he’s also cut and has a cape that won’t quit. Spawn is moping around being like “guess I gotta just fight for justice now and let my family be.” What?! No way. You no longer have a weird clown following you around. You no longer are an employee of Hell. You got your whole… uh, life, I guess… kinda… ahead of you. Find a steady job and I give it 8 months before she’s back in your arms/cape. Hot Take Temperature: Full body burn.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *Gif of me dressed as a clown, popping my own head like a balloon, and then farting real loud* Let’s go!

The good? The film is generally kind of fun and silly and there really isn’t much else like it out there. For all the grief I remember Leguizamo getting at the time, he makes the film just light enough to be reasonable.

The bad? The film is probably too dark to appeal today. I don’t know what they would really do with Spawn today, the 90s was just a different time. Just look at The Crow, or Fight Club, or Se7en. The filmmaking and storytelling was just generally grunge and dark, or at least had the room to unironically accommodate it. I don’t feel like there is that space today. But that doesn’t make the film bad.

The bmt? Probably. For Leguizamo alone the film is interesting, and it is weird and borderline good, and I kind of generally dug it. It is very much like The Crow in that same way. No, not the new one … definitely not the new one. The original The Crow.

Jesus … An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn is basically not a film? I don’t really know what I expected, but this certainly wasn’t it. This really appears to be a film that some random people make on a lark, thought would be funny (it isn’t) and then mostly panicked when they realized they had made an unfunny, plotless, trash film. Then they pulled off the most obvious stunt possible (taking the director’s name off the film to get Alan Smithee in there for real), and seem to try and play it off as a joke. The film is painfully unfunny, and just generally boring. The only weird redeeming feature is the subplot with Coolio and Chuck D helping Eric Idle out. C, you have to watch it for bad movie cred, but it ain’t good.

I decided to ask the AI to generate ten keywords for me for the film. This is what it came up with: Antihero, Hellspawn, Darkness, Justice, Mask, Red cape, Costume, Supernatural, Revenge, Demonic Powers. I don’t mind all of those except maybe Darkness (I guess, but pretty vague), and Justice (which like Darkness is really just because those two words are in the tagline). The best is maybe Red Cape, or Hellspawn. So let’s get ten more film having to do with Hellspawn:

Constantine (2005), End of Days (1999), Prince of Darkness (1987), The Prophecy (1995), Hellraiser (1987), Legion (2010), The Devil’s Advocate (1997), Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory (2011), Pumpkinhead (1988), Ghost Rider (2007)

I do think those qualify, although some are probably debatable (The Devil’s Advocate?) I suppose if I wanted something a little like this Ghost Rider is the closest. Antihero, Hellspawn, Justice, Mask (kind of), Costume (? Kind of), Supernatural, Revenge. It really ticks those boxes. You’d think the sequel would have done it. A little unforgivable that is thinks Paradise Lost has anything to do with this stuff though. Now, do I care about this stuff? Not really, mostly useless for what we do here at BMTHQ, but I certainly can see why someone without my vast computational resources would find this appealing.

The ultimate MacGuffin (Why?) of them all: revenge. And I honestly think that it is. There is some information about Spawn generally being in New York City, I honestly don’t remember if it was explicit in the film, but it is too unclear to bother. The film is BMT for Leguizamo’s performance alone.

Read about … clowns I suppose, in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Spawn Quiz

I wonder exactly how many demon questions I can do in this quiz … Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Todd McFarlane is famous for writing many comics including Spawn. Born in Calgary, Alberta, he also was at one point a co-owner of a hockey team, but not the Calgary Flames. What team did he co-own?

2) You couldn’t possibly make a Spawn film without a song by The Prodigy. Name either of their UK number-one singles.

3) The Violator is plagued by John Leguizamo in the film. Famously he classed with Steven Seagal in what film, a rare example of Seagal dying on film?

4) In the beginning of the film Al Simmons is sent on a mission to destroy a biochemical weapons plant in North Korea. Now … remember the Korean War, and MacArthur. I shall return, all that. What kind of pipe did MacArthur very famously pose with in many photos?

5) It has something to do with this movie, tangentially, but what is Tel Megiddo / why is it famous?

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: A BMT oversight that is kind of unimaginable:

Can you name the film?

Answers

Spawn Preview

So despite his best efforts, Patrick avoided departing on an extended BMTverse adventure and yet still missed out on his real world adventure with Sly Stallone. “So he was here?” Patrick asks Kyle, who nods, the memory twinkling in his eye. “And you watched Cobra and Cobra 2: Crimedemic with him?” Kyle shakes his head and Patrick lets out a sigh of relief. That would have been too much for his heart to handle. “It was also Tango & Cash.” Patrick grasps for a nearby telephone pole to steady himself and instead finds himself grasping onto the rock hard bicep of Jamie. “We just wanted to come over and thank you,” Jamie says, cuddling up to Samantha. “That 2003 Celtics themed dinner consisting of PB&J sandwiches was exactly what I needed to tell Samantha how I truly feel.” When Jamie pauses to look over at Samantha, Patrick smiles a little. Maybe the four steps hadn’t been quite as easy as he had advertised, but the proof was in the pudding and that pudding was the love… true love… that he could now see shining in Jamie’s eyes. “But,” Jamie continues, “I was selfish in thinking only about myself when it came to this themed dinner. Perhaps not everyone wants a dinner themed entirely around the 2003 Boston Celtics.” Samantha squeezes his hand reassuringly, but Jamie presses on. “No, no I think we want another dinner and this time I want to make sure it’s something we both want.” Patrick is pleased. He starts to imagine what he could do culinarily around themes such as World Peace or A Summer Picnic. Even as his mind whirls around the many possibilities, Jamie and Samantha look at each other and simultaneously belt out the chosen theme: 1997’s Spawn. What thuuuuu… That’s right! We are watching Spawn. I remember watching this film when it came out and loving it. Thought it was hilarious. I was eleven. Nice. Less nice is we are pairing this with An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn as our Bring a Friend. One of the many films that makes you look at the Razzies and go “seriously?”. Let’s go!

Spawn (1997) – BMeTric: 60.1; Notability: 66

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 3.6%; Notability: top 3.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 14.2%; Higher BMeT: Batman & Robin, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Speed 2: Cruise Control, Home Alone 3, Steel, Mr. Magoo, Double Team, Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie, Chairman of the Board; Higher Notability: Batman & Robin, Speed 2: Cruise Control, The Saint, Dante’s Peak, The Jackal, The Relic, The Postman, Flubber; Lower RT: Plump Fiction, The Peacekeeper, The Blackout, Fall, McHale’s Navy, Gone Fishin’, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Speed 2: Cruise Control, The Pest, ‘Til There Was You, An American Werewolf in Paris, Shadow Conspiracy, 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag, Dangerous Ground, An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, Steel, Mr. Magoo, Keys to Tulsa, Double Team, Chairman of the Board, and 15 more; Notes: I’m quite surprised by Batman & Robin (56 times on cable) and Speed 2: Cruise Control (64 times on cable). It must have been around this time people realized you could make boatloads putting relatively bad movies on cable a ton. Six of nine for the higher BMeT films, so this makes 7 of the top 10. The other three are, not surprisingly, the three kids’ films.

RogerEbert.com – 3.5 stars – “Spawn” is best seen as an experimental art film. It walks and talks like a big budget horror film, heavy on special effects and pitched at the teenage audience, and maybe that’s how it will be received. But it’s more impressive if you ignore the genre and just look at what’s on the screen. What we have here are creators in several different areas doing their best to push the envelope. The subject is simply an excuse for their art–just as it always is with serious artists.

(Wow, incredible review. I don’t necessarily disagree only because McFarlane is all about pushing the envelope, so it makes sense in a way. I still think the movie is pretty dumb and the acting bad though.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AypOgfPJWDU/

(On the verge of creation? What does that mean? By the way, this trailer could not be darker. And at times there is a strange white box on top and bottom, and the entire thing is in 4:3? Something tells me this isn’t the official trailer. It really really sucks.)

Directors – Mark A.Z. Dippé – ( Known For: Marmaduke; The Reef 2: High Tide; The Boxcar Children; The Boxcar Children – Surprise Island; BMT: Spawn; Notes: He was mostly a visual effects artist. This was pretty much his first directed film.)

Writers – Todd McFarlane – ( Known For: Spider-Man 3; Venom: Let There Be Carnage; Venom: The Last Dance; Future BMT: Venom; BMT: Spawn; Notes: Won an Emmy for the animated HBO series of Spawn.)

Alan B. McElroy – ( Known For: Wrong Turn; Fractured; Wrong Turn; Tekken; Rapid Fire; Thr3e; Future BMT: The Perfect Guy; BMT: Spawn; Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers; The Marine; Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever; Left Behind: The Movie; Notes: Rapid Fire was a Brandon Lee film. We will obviously be watching The Crow this year since the bizarre remake is coming out.)

Mark A.Z. Dippé – ( Notes: This was his only real writing effort. He has something in development called Wicked City which sounds fake.)

Actors – Michael Jai White – ( Known For: The Dark Knight; Dragged Across Concrete; Black Dynamite; Blood and Bone; Freaky Deaky; 2 Days in the Valley; Why Did I Get Married?; Accident Man; Triple Threat; Falcon Rising; Skin Trade; Black Friday; Breakfast of Champions; Generation Iron; The Toxic Avenger Part II; Batman: Soul of the Dragon; City of Industry; Tactical Force; The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie; Vigilante Diaries; Future BMT: Why Did I Get Married Too?; Ringmaster; BMT: Universal Soldier; Spawn; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze; Exit Wounds; Universal Soldier: The Return; On Deadly Ground; Notes: Yeah, we’ve seem him in a lot of things. We even saw him in weird things like the Sudden Death sequel. Let’s plan on Ballistic at some point.)

John Leguizamo – ( Known For: John Wick; Ice Age; John Wick: Chapter 2; The Menu; Die Hard 2; Moulin Rouge!; Ice Age: The Meltdown; Encanto; Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs; The Lincoln Lawyer; Romeo + Juliet; Chef; Carlito’s Way; Doctor Dolittle; Violent Night; Land of the Dead; American Ultra; Assault on Precinct 13; The Infiltrator; Sisters; Future BMT: Kick-Ass 2; Ice Age: Continental Drift; The Counselor; Ice Age: Collision Course; The Fan; Out for Justice; Love in the Time of Cholera; Revenge; Miracle at St. Anna; What’s the Worst That Could Happen?; Playing with Fire; Walking with Dinosaurs 3D; The Pest; Empire; The Honeymooners; Whispers in the Dark; BMT: The Happening; Gamer; Ride Along; Repo Men; Righteous Kill; Collateral Damage; Spawn; Super Mario Bros.; One for the Money; Notes: Nominated for two and one one Emmy for his stand up special Freak. Then he’s been nominated for two recent miniseries in Waco and When They See Us. The Fan is probably the movie I’m most excited to eventually see by him.)

Martin Sheen – ( Known For: The Departed; Catch Me If You Can; Apocalypse Now; The Amazing Spider-Man; The Amazing Spider-Man 2; Gandhi; JFK; Wall Street; Seeking a Friend for the End of the World; Hot Shots! Part Deux; Selma; Judas and the Black Messiah; Badlands; The Dead Zone; Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping; The American President; Bobby; The Way; Gettysburg; The Double; Future BMT: Love Happens; The Believers; Hear No Evil; BMT: Spawn; Firestarter; Lost & Found; Notes: He was nominated for ten Emmys (and a few Daytime Emmys). He only won one, for a guest spot on Murphy Brown. The funniest cable movie I found was Boca which appears to be a dumb 9 1/2 Weeks knockoff.)

Budget/Gross – $40,000,000 / Domestic: $54,870,175 (Worldwide: $87,840,042)

(I mean, worldwide maybe, although given the year it probably didn’t do that well. Pretty close to breaking even, probably did on rental and home video in the end.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 17% (8/47): Spawn is an overbearing, over-violent film that adds little to the comic book adaptation genre.

(Over violent is a bit weird I suppose. That does add something to the comic book adaptation genre. This was a fairly abnormal R-rated comic book movie.)

Reviewer Highlight: A moodily malevolent, anything-goes revenge fantasy that relies more upon special visual and digitally animated effects for its intended appeal than any comics-derived sci-fier to date. – Todd McCarthy, Variety

Poster – More like Yawn

(I’d have been excited for this film. It looks cool. Nice font. Overall it does the job and it does it efficiently. B+)

Tagline(s) – Born in darkness. Sworn to justice. (B)

(Sure. It’s not the most clever of taglines. I also quibble a little with it. I’m not a Spawn expert but I’m not sure I’d categorize his work (particularly in this film) as being “sworn to justice.” He’s still hellspawn, no? Anyway, this has some flow to it and is concise. Not bad even if possibly a bit inaccurate.)

Keyword(s) – 1991-1999

Top 10: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Hook (1991), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), Big Daddy (1999), Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995), Godzilla (1998), Event Horizon (1997), Demolition Man (1993), The Bone Collector (1999)

Future BMT: 86.8 Street Fighter (1994), 83.0 Inspector Gadget (1999), 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 75.5 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 74.9 Junior (1994), 72.4 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 68.1 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.2 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 67.1 Mr. Nanny (1993), 63.5 Showgirls (1995), 61.8 Pet Sematary II (1992), 61.6 Cop & ½ (1993), 61.2 Beethoven’s 2nd (1993), 60.5 The Mangler (1995), 59.9 Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice (1992), 59.6 Jury Duty (1995), 59.0 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.2 Child’s Play 3 (1991), 58.0 Holy Man (1998)

BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), The Avengers (1998), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), Barb Wire (1996), Kazaam (1996), Super Mario Bros. (1993), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Jason Goes to Hell (1993), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992), Steel (1997), Bio-Dome (1996), Striptease (1996), Species II (1998), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Wild Wild West (1999), Double Dragon (1994), Anaconda (1997), It’s Pat: The Movie (1994), Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1995), Cool as Ice (1991), Wing Commander (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), On Deadly Ground (1994), Dudley Do-Right (1999), Double Team (1997), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), The Flintstones (1994), The Haunting (1999), Leprechaun (1993), Bats (1999), Fair Game (1995), Cool World (1992), North (1994), Body of Evidence (1993), Problem Child 2 (1991), …

Best Options (1997-1997): 79.3 Home Alone 3 (1997), 71.9 Mr. Magoo (1997), 67.2 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 60.1 Spawn (1997), 57.6 An American Werewolf in Paris (1997), 57.6 Flubber (1997), 54.4 Gone Fishin’ (1997), 53.1 McHale’s Navy (1997), 52.4 The Pest (1997), 51.6 Kull the Conqueror (1997), …

(Obviously the best option from 1997. I wouldn’t have been opposed to something like The Pest though. That’s a weird as fuck movie too.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: John Leguizamo is No. 3 billed in Spawn and No. 4 billed in Righteous Kill, which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (3 + 4) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 14. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Martin Sheen agreed to star in this movie because he always wanted to star in a comic book movie. He later played another comic book role, Uncle Ben in The Amazing Spider-Man (2012).

John Leguizamo ate live waxworms on pizza for this film. He then vomited immediately after the take was wrapped.

Tim Burton was the original choice to direct.

Michael Jai White found Al Simmons’ character appealing; he described Spawn as “the most tragic character I’ve encountered in any cinematic production.” He says it was a challenge to make audiences sympathize with a government assassin who comes back from hell. White had to endure two to four hours of make-up work, including a full glued-on bodysuit, yellow contact lenses that irritated his eyes, and a mask that restricted his breathing. He said that his long-time experience with martial arts helped him endure the uncomfortable prosthetics, giving him “strong will and unbreakable concentration.”

Michael Jai White was actually set on fire for one scene.

Corky Romano Recap

Jamie

“You guys want some cookies?” We’ve been cleaning up a lot of “previously on” BMT type films lately. These are films we saw back when we were youngsters and Corky Romano and its ilk were dominating our personal box offices. SNL was still king. It had crowned Sandler and was delivering unto us Will Ferrell. So why not Chris Kattan? Why not indeed. All these years later the only thing I remember from this particular film was the line I quote at the top. It appears in the trailer and features Kattan in a girl scout uniform… I will be on my deathbed and I will be able to say that line in the exact way that Kattan says it. An indelible part of film history.

To recap, Corky Romano is an (actually good) vet with a penchant for messing things up. He also happens to be the son of a local mob boss and the brother of two psychotic mob enforcers. When a rat within the family is threatening to bring the empire down they only have one thing they can do: bring Corky (up to this point unknown to the FBI) back into the fold and uncover as an agent. His mission is to find the file on the Romano family and destroy it. The only thing standing in his way is the suspicions of his new coworker Brick, his interest in the beautiful Agent Russo, and the fact that he keeps inadvertently helping solve or foil crimes through his bumbling ways. One such case that he is helping with is the Night Vulture, a brutal drug dealer, but I’m not sure why I’m talking about that… I’m sure it has nothing to do with the plot of the film. Anyway, ultimately Corky finds out his father is wanted for murder. When he confronts him about that, he denies it and it’s revealed that their longtime family associate is actually an FBI informant and planted that info. Corky is able to subdue him and also reveal that Brick is the Night Vulture (oh, I see. It was important because… uh… huh, no wait… still not important to the plot of the film). In the end he marries Agent Russo and goes back to being a vet. THE END.

I contend that Corky Romano had its moments. Purely from a comedy point of view it had me laughing more than many BMT comedies do. I also think it was rather inspired and ahead of its time to have Corky be an actually good vet. That’s a much more modern device: the competent imbecile. Underused really as it would have been fun to have Corky turn out to be a good agent because of his deep knowledge of animals and yet they barely touch on it and don’t even use it for the conclusion. Now the biggest issue for the film is that it doesn’t make any sense. And not just that it’s an impossibility that Corky would be entirely unknown to the agency or how exactly his mob family gets him installed as an agent. But Corky figures out who a serial killer is because of a watch he left at the crime scene and then stole from evidence. The serial killer left his distinctive watch at the crime scene and only big brain Corky can figure it out? That’s real dumb. It’s a pretty big issue with the film. Just real stupid and doesn’t make any sense. But I guess that’s what turning your brain off is for. As for Dirty Love, the less said the better maybe. There is something about Jenny McCarthy in the sense that she’s really going for it. Like Jim Carrey level mugging. There was a very brief moment where I was like “can she make this tolerable?” and the answer was no. It gets harder and harder to watch as it goes on. Not good!

Hot Take Clam Bake! I think it’s pretty obvious that the FBI knew that Corky was part of the family and was just letting him fool around in the agency to bolster their case against the Romano’s. Maybe they had an inkling that the info they had was bunk and that the real charge they could land was witness/evidence tampering and some tax evasion. By letting Corky in, they could hang an impersonating a federal agent charge over him and get him to wear a wire and really get the solid info they needed. Unfortunately this all would fall apart once Brick was revealed to be the Night Vulture and the Bureau would have to insulate themselves from the ensuing firestorm by promoting the work of the fine Agent Romano. Pretty obvious stuff going on here as otherwise there is no explanation for how they wouldn’t know that Corky was part of the Romano family. Not like he’s a distant cousin. Hot Take Temperature: Mango

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Remember Corky Romano. In a day or twooooooooooooo! Remember that from the trailer? No? Only me? Let’s go!

Corky Romano is an odd film. It was barely created (having been hastily written just before a sctors’ strike), and stars one of the stranger SNL stars of the time. Chris Kattan isn’t exactly leading man material but here we are.

I will say, out of all the stuff that could be considered good in this film, Chris Kattan is, weirdly, one of the better bits. He’s annoying, but on occasion he is kind of a charming doofus. The Girl Scout bit comes to mind. And I did laugh during the film, for example when Kattan offers his hand to his brother who turns and farts towards him instead … I didn’t say it was a good joke, just I said I laughed.

But yeah, the film isn’t super funny, is barely written, is often offensive, and has some of the worst acting you’ll ever see. And the twist! My god, the ultimate twist is that there is an FBI agent … who is also a heroin kingpin? Like why?! That is the kind of insane stuff you get when you write a script in a week to beat a strike.

But naturally, being a horrible sub-10% film on Rotten Tomatoes, this is a BMT film through and through. Also, obviously we need to watch all the Chris Kattan films for BMT. Really just Night at the Roxbury to go.

Not really Product Placement (What?) for the very distinctive bright orange Mazda Miata. And definitely one of the Worst Twist (How?) we’ve ever seen with the completely nonsensical reveal that the FBI agent Brick is also the drug dealing Night Vulture, say whhhhhhhhat?! Crazy. The film is BMT though and through, it barely makes sense.

Bring a Friend time. And what better pair for one of the worst films of all time to watch another film considered one off the worst of all time, Dirty Love. It basically swept the Razzies (back when that meant something) and Ebert gave it a rare zero star review (he also called it the third worst film of 2005, lol). Anyways, the film is awful, it really is one of those films where you wonder if you could make it, that is how not-a-movie it felt like. But the magnetism of McCarthy is undeniable, and it isn’t really a wonder she managed to have a (albeit brief) movie career launched off of a weird dating show on MTV.. If not for the fact that she’s a lunatic I would actually wonder why she didn’t end up doing a few more films. In this case though the film is a nothing film, and is garbage, and I barely remember anything about it, the end.

Well, what can you learn from Corky Romano? Find out in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Corky Romano Quiz

Oh snap. Can one learn anything from Corky Romano? I can’t imagine it, but I gotta try. Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the film Pops Romano is going to be indicted for racketeering. Racketeering means “any criminal scheme or operation with ongoing or recurring profit,” as defined in the 1970 U.S. RICO Act. What does RICO stand for?

2) Corky drives a Miata (now sold as the MX-5) which is constructed by what Japanese car manufacturer?

3) Allegedly the name Corky comes from the nickname for the real-life New Jersey crime boss Gaetano Vastola. Vastola is somewhat notable for being one of the five murder which major mafia boss was charged with under the U.S. RICO Act?

4) C’mon now, you know you are getting a music question. What song is Corky famously singing waaaaay out of tune in the trailer and beginning of the film, and who performed it?

5) The movie Chris Kattan performed in right before this was a 2001 comedy starring Brendan Fraser in which Kattan plays a reanimated organ donor. What is this (very weird) film?

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: October 26th, 1999 at 9:30PM a Chris Kattan classic was on tv.

What is that film?

Answers

Corky Romano Preview

Before them sat Jamie just as they had left him, but now he was not alone. There was a slight man in there with him and the man was… “Is he washing him?” Kyle asks, bile rising in his throat. Indeed this impish figure was washing Jamie and in his other free hand he held a pair of jorts. Tears were streaming down Jamie’s face in thanks. “They don’t care anymore,” he wailed, “They don’t care that I’m deaf and have no jorts. But you care, sweet little troll or whatever you are. Are you a hobbit? Don’t answer because I’m deaf and I won’t hear you and it will annoy me.” This carries on as Patrick and Kyle enter the room and the little man’s eyes widen in fear. He holds up a finger to his lips and Patrick and Kyle understand. They let him finish and afterwards Jamie is clean and bejorted and slightly less miserable. The little man leans in and gives Jamie a small kiss on the cheek, who swats at him and gets back to his typical whining about the lack of adequate v-neck depth in the shirts of today’s youths. The little elf man creeps into the other room and beckons them over. Once safely away from Jamie, he quickly takes off his disguise. “My word, it’s no hobbit or whatever, it’s Samantha!” Kyle exclaims. Indeed Samantha, having heard about Jamie’s affliction had returned and begun secretly taking care of him. “But you can’t reveal the secret to him. He’s never let me help if he knew it was me because of his hearing. He’s ashamed.” They understand, but what should they call her? “You shall call me by my birth name, Porky Romano.” Patrick gasps. That’s right! We aren’t watching Porky Romano, but rather the much more popular and famous Corky Romano which I believe was the most popular film of 2001. Although, I could be wrong about that. We are pairing that with one of the (unfortunately many) Razzie Worst Picture winners that never got a theatrical release. This time it’s Dirty Love starring Jenny McCarthy. Cool. Let’s go!

Corky Romano (2001) – BMeTric: 60.1; Notability: 44

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.8%; Notability: top 16.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 1.6%; Higher BMeT: Glitter, Jason X, Driven, Freddy Got Fingered, The Animal, Ghosts of Mars, Black Knight, Soul Survivors, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Valentine, Monkeybone, The Musketeer; Higher Notability: Pearl Harbor, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Monkeybone, Hannibal, Impostor, Not Another Teen Movie, Ghosts of Mars, Bubble Boy, Swordfish, Along Came a Spider, The One, 15 Minutes, Scary Movie 2, The Affair of the Necklace, America’s Sweethearts, Town & Country, I Am Sam, Don’t Say a Word, 3000 Miles to Graceland, Just Visiting, and 21 more; Lower RT: Texas Rangers, Soul Survivors, Glitter, All the Queen’s Men; Notes: Wow we watched 10 of the 12 films above this by BMeT and all but All the Queen’s Men (which is a bizarre British cross dressing film) for RT. That BMeT is not surprisingly quite good though.

RogerEbert.com – 0.5 stars – ‘Corky Romano” continues the “Saturday Night Live” Jinx, which in recent years has frustrated the talented members of the TV program in their efforts to make watchable movies. It’s a desperately unfunny gangster spoof, starring Chris Kattan as the kid brother in a Mafia family, so trusting and naive he really does believe his father is in the landscaping business. … “Corky Romano” is like a dead zone of comedy. The concept is exhausted, the ideas are tired, the physical gags are routine, the story is labored, the actors look like they can barely contain their doubts about the project.

(I’m honestly a little surprised this didn’t get a thumbs down. This feels perfect for that. A movie that is barely a movie with (quite literally) no script. That seems ripe for Ebert to reject wholesale.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LlHmJ3xqHM/

(Lol Peter Falk. Man I remember this trailer so well. IN A DAY OR TWOOOOOOOOOOOOO. IT was on all the time at the time. “Hi, you guys want some cookies.” Jesus Christ, it is imprinted in my mind.)

Directors – Rob Pritts – ( BMT: Corky Romano; Notes: So my understanding was they needed to get this movie done TODAY. Not tomorrow. Not in a week. It had to be done NOW. And this guy was the guy who said he could do it. And he did, in some incredible short amount of time, which is why the film seems so weirdly improvisational.)

Writers – David Garrett and Jason Ward – ( BMT: Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Corky Romano; Notes: I’m not joking when I say I think we were this close to having the one and only BMT film without credited screenwriters if the stories about how this film was “written” were to be believed. But yeah, look at that BMT murderer’s row.)

Actors – Chris Kattan – ( Known For: Hotel Transylvania 2; Leo; Undercover Brother; Nancy Drew; Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters; Foodfight!; Santa’s Slay; Guns, Girls and Gambling; Tanner Hall; Adam & Steve; Guest House; Christmas in Wonderland; Undead or Alive: A Zombedy; Hard Breakers; Slightly Single in L.A.; Walk of Fame; The Making of ‘…and God Spoke’; The Last Film Festival; Future BMT: A Night at the Roxbury; House on Haunted Hill; Delgo; BMT: The Ridiculous 6; Monkeybone; Corky Romano; Notes: Obviously most famous for Saturday Night Live, which he left in 2003. Does mostly voice stuff now from what I can tell.)

Peter Falk – ( Known For: The Princess Bride; Wings of Desire; The Player; It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World; Murder by Death; Undisputed; A Woman Under the Influence; The Great Race; Made; The Great Muppet Caper; Opening Night; The In-Laws; Faraway, So Close!; Pocketful of Miracles; Husbands; Mikey and Nicky; The Cheap Detective; Robin and the 7 Hoods; Anzio; The Brink’s Job; Future BMT: Shark Tale; Next; Vibes; Roommates; BMT: Corky Romano; Notes: Just one more thing. Colombo! His film work is always funny, especially the late stuff where it is like … why are you in Corky Romano again?)

Vinessa Shaw – ( Known For: Eyes Wide Shut; 3:10 to Yuma; Side Effects; The Hills Have Eyes; Two Lovers; Cold in July; Melinda and Melinda; Puncture; Big Miracle; The Weight of Water; Clinical; 12 Mighty Orphans; We Need to Do Something; Garden Party; Stag Night; Come Out and Play; Family Blood; L.A. Without a Map; After the Fall; Electric Slide; Future BMT: Hocus Pocus; 40 Days and 40 Nights; Ladybugs; BMT: Corky Romano; Notes: The girl from Hocus Pocus. I saw that recently … not as good as I remember, but probably better than most people remember.)

Budget/Gross – $11 million / Domestic: $23,980,304 (Worldwide: $25,272,752)

(That isn’t bad. Especially considering, again, that is seemed like it was barely a movie.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 7% (6/84): Corky Romano continues the trend of bad movies featuring SNL members. The jokes are tired and unfunny, and the slapstick feels forced.

(Wowza, I do love <10% RT films. Knocking all of those off eventually would be a good goal. The wide releases I mean. Although even the non-wide releases might be tenable if we just focused on the 90s/00s. Only big films got 5+ reviews back then I think.)

Reviewer Highlight: With a great many contemporary comedies mistaking excess for invention and hyperactivity for dynamism, Corky Romano displays genuine heart. – Miles Beller, Los Angeles Times

Poster – Skloggins Romano

(I mean… I like how bright and ridiculous it is. It’s actually very reminiscent of the famous Knocked Up poster that was actually very good. But I’m not sure the face of Chris Kattan is as intriguing as that. C+.)

Tagline(s) – Who is Corky Romano? (D)

(Yeah… right? This doesn’t work.)

Keyword(s) – 1999-2007

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), The Butterfly Effect (2004), The Da Vinci Code (2006), The Fast and the Furious (2001), Men in Black II (2002), Man on Fire (2004), Click (2006), Pearl Harbor (2001), Fantastic Four (2005), The Island (2005)

Future BMT: 93.5 Date Movie (2006), 90.0 House of the Dead (2003), 88.9 BloodRayne (2005), 87.1 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 82.9 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.8 The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000), 81.4 You Got Served (2004), 79.3 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.1 Boogeyman (2005), 78.0 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 77.8 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 72.6 Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006), 72.4 Bewitched (2005), 72.2 Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003), 72.1 Zoom (2006), 71.1 Soul Plane (2004), 70.6 The Shaggy Dog (2006), 70.3 Delta Farce (2007), 69.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 69.2 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Son of the Mask (2005), Gigli (2003), Alone in the Dark (2005), The Wicker Man (2006), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Norbit (2007), The Master of Disguise (2002), I Know Who Killed Me (2007), Glitter (2001), Ultraviolet (2006), Bratz (2007), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Dragon Wars: D-War (2007), Feardotcom (2002), The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002), Jason X (2001), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Torque (2004), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Material Girls (2006), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Little Man (2006), Basic Instinct 2 (2006), Elektra (2005), Taxi (2004), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), A Sound of Thunder (2005), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), Wild Wild West (1999), …

Best Options (wiki-snl): 52.1 Superstar (1999)

(I just wanted to see what was available for SNL films. Superstar is a fun one, but unfortunately 1999 was spoken for. Corky Romano is not an SNL film, but it is kind of close enough to it to be fun.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Chris Kattan is No. 1 billed in Corky Romano and No. 4 billed in Monkeybone, which also stars Brendan Fraser (No. 1 billed) who is in Escape from Planet Earth (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jessica Alba (No. 2 billed) who is in Mechanic: Resurrection (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch 40 Days and 40 Nights we can get the HoE Number down to 10.

Notes – According to the screenwriters on Selling Your Screenplay podcast #81, the only reason the film was greenlit was due to a pending Actor strike in Sept 2000, so it was written in 10 days in May, filmed in June and wrapped in August- unheard of for a major studio film.

In his 2019 autobiography “Baby Don’t Hurt Me”, Chris Kattan noted that Paul Thomas Anderson (writer-director of Boogie Nights and Magnolia) and Richard LaGravenese (screenwriter of The Fisher King) each assisted with rewriting the script for Corky Romano, and they received no official credit. SNL writers Matt Piedmont and Scott Wainio also contributed to the rewrites.

One of Robert Pattinson’s favorite films.

Originally advertised as Corky Romano: ‘Special’ Agent, the movie was released as simply Corky Romano. The term ‘special’ with the marks around it was thought be making fun of a character’s mental disability.

According to Chris Kattan , he originally portrayed Corky Romano more realistic and less like a caricature. But after Disney executive Peter Schneider fell asleep while watching the first rough ensemble of a footage shot during the first three weeks of production, producer Robert Simonds ordered all the footage that had been assembled at that time to be re-shot. Because of the tight budget, these re-shoots could not be done separately but had to be incorporated into the rest of the shoot, and Simonds insisted that Kattan play the lead in a much more cartoony way, smiling constantly.

47 Ronin (2013) Recap

Jamie

What a great Bring a Friend we got to decide on here. I was dead set on watching Fateful Findings, a true classic of the bad movie genre. Sure we have watched a Neil Breen picture before, but that was Twisted Pair for a Twin Cycle. By all accounts it’s no Fateful Findings. But what should we pair it with? It’s the eternal question of Bring a Friend… what is it? What are we trying to do? Are we trying to just watch the best film from the same year? Should they be similar in plot or theme? Should it really just be an opportunity for a best-of-the-best wild card? If you look through the data I think you’d find that the answer is “All of the Above.” This time there were really just two choices: 47 Ronin, a big budget disaster that fits BMT like a glove, or Paranoia, a film no one remembers that shares the leet haxxors plotting of FF. Alas, no matter how much hacking of planets Paranoia promised it never stood a chance. Bring on some CGI monsters.

To recap, Keanu is a boy found in the woods by the ruler of the Ako Domain in feudal Japan. The samurai scoff at him because he is half-Japanese, but Keanu is OK and knows his place within the clan. He turns out to be a great warrior and helps defeat the monsters and such that could ruin the domain’s plans to host the Shogun, but still the samurai get all the glory. He’s still OK with that. The source of these monsters is Lord Kira who wants Ako for himself and when the shogun visits he meddles such that Keanu shames himself when he is forced to take the place of a samurai in a battle. Ultimately, the ruler of Ako is hypnotized into attacking Lord Kira and is sentenced to death for the insult. He is allowed an honorable death, his daughter Mika is forced to marry Kira, Keanu is sold into slavery, and all the samurai are sent away. The head of the samurai, Oishi, is thought to be dangerous so he’s imprisoned for a year… you know so that he gets out juuuust before the marriage that will cement Kira’s place in Ako. But I’m sure he’s harmless now… wrong! He immediately assembles all the samurai and sets off to find Keanu. They rescue him from the fighting pits of whatever where he’s fighting monsters. He then is like “we need swords” and takes them to where he grew up and it’s revealed why he is such a good warrior… because he was trained from birth for this shit. With swords and quite a lot of Ronin (I can’t remember exactly how many) they set off to crush Kira. They first fall into a trap, but half of them escape and so they regroup to attack the wedding itself. There they pretend to be an acting troop where they act their asses off before fighting their asses off. In the end they kill Kira. This is against the law but the Shogun kind of digs it so they let Oishi’s son off the hook to preserve his family and he lets the rest of them, including Keanu, have an honorable death. THE END.

I had more trouble with this one than the other recent BMT films (which I mostly disliked, but also mostly bored me). Do not get me wrong, this film is so dull it actually defies belief. But its heart is in the right place and it looks beautiful. It wants to bring a classic Japanese story (that is definitely very cool) to an American scale for American audiences. Not to exaggerate but it’s like Scorsese making Silence (alright, fine, that’s a step too far). But really I liked a lot of what was on the screen, it’s just crushingly dull. I also have a theory that Keanu directed this film. I do not buy for one second that the official director of the film (a noted crazy person) delivered a big budget epic to theaters. So I choose to believe Keanu cared about this and made it happen. Kudos to him and so I will say I was fine with this film. As for Fateful Findings, this one really lived up to its reputation. It is nuts. Kid of a perfect so-bad-it’s-good. The magic sauce in a film like this is truly not being able to tell whether the people making the film know exactly what they are doing. You keep looking at Breen’s face to try to see a smirk or a look in his eyes where you can go “oh, good. He’s not serious.” But he is serious. Bafflingly beautiful.

Hot Take Clam Bake! They should have spared Keanu. This is a guy who grows up in some weird monastery being turned into a human weapon. He escapes and gets razzed all day for not being a samurai and being half-Japanese. He then tries to warn everyone about a witch and instead of being listened to he is sold into a gladiator pit. He then fights monsters for a year before totally redeeming himself in the eyes of EVERYONE. Even the shogun is like “this dude is dope.” His reward? Congrats you get an honorable death. Hold on. He doesn’t get to marry his lady love and continue his honorable line? The reward is death? That’s bullshit. Hot Take Temperature: 47 Bone-in Steaks.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Fine I’ll say it if no one else will … Keanu, can we not? Let’s go!

I remember when this came out. I remember the feeling of seeing the trailer and being like … what the fuck is this? And then it came out and critics were like “what the fuck is this?” And then I never forgot it. It has always been on the docket for BMT (as a matter of fact we were already doing BMT by then, so likely it came up in conversation in 2013 or 2014 as a distinct possibility). In reality I kind of knew the movie was probably just going to be all spectacle boring trash, but we had to see.

It was all spectacle boring trash.

Really, it is just a lot of CGI with a loose story and it could have all been made a lot better without any of the supernatural stuff. If it was an insinuation that this person’s a witch, and that person’s a demon, but in reality it is shown that that is just a perception colored by different religions basically, I think the film could have been more interesting.

I does come across as a vanity project for Keanu, but weirdly at a time when Keanu couldn’t afford it? The Matrices were over ages before, and then he did Constatine (2005) and A Scanner Darkly and The Lake House (2006) which were all fairly successful. But then there was the catastrophic The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008) and from there it is just bomb after bomb right up to this. Then what happened in 2014? John Wick, and his career is completely revived. He ends up kind of getting lucky. He released a straight to video film in 2013. That was probably almost his fate.

Should I talk about this film. I guess I’ll just leave it with one last thing. I liked all of the other actors in the film. It was great to see a film like this done with actually famous Japanese actors. Keanu is jarring though and it would have been better served by someone less famous or at least maybe younger and who didn’t read as much as an established American film star.

As a friend we brought along Fateful Findings which is our second Neil Breen film. The film started off slow, but quickly morphs into “Oh my god, he really is the worst filmmaker of all time … nah, he must know what he’s doing … OH MY GOD HE DOESN’T!!” Just banger after banger of weird scenes where a person who maybe can’t act like a human being directs people and makes them not act like human beings. It is truly sublime. There is at least one more Breen film we have to see, but I think we’ve seen what are considered the top two now. I’ve heard bad things about the most recent one, in that it seems like he has maybe become tired of the process of making films and so he’s fallen back to mostly using green screen and automating a lot of it. He is a year away from making the first ever feature length AI film where the film is just made using cheap out of the box LLMs by a University of Nevada computer science major for $1000. A, not as good as the earlier Breens I think, but much more weird and entertaining than I expected.

Read about my sequel in the quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

47 Ronin (2013) Quiz

Oh man so get this. I’m like a samurai kind of … I’m maybe a demon. It’s hard to tell. But rest assured, I tried to fight in the big samurai tournament and got bopped right on the head by a huge monster man. Now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in 47 Ronin?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) How does Keanu recognize the witch?

2) What super faux pas does Keanu commit that results in him getting disgraced and beaten?

3) Why does the original lord of Ako have to commit seppuku?

4) What is in the Tengu Forest?

5) How do they infiltrate the eeeeevil lair of the eeeeeevil lord?

Bonus Question: I was thinking about a sweet sequel called like 48 Ronin, but then my agent called me up and was like “We actually need way more Ronin”. What? How do I get so many Ronin in my new script?

Answers