Category: Bring a Friend

47 Ronin (2013) Preview

“That actually wasn’t so bad, Ronnie,” Kyle says to the rat monster who’s name is actually Ronster, which is appropriate. While time did seem quite different in the catacombs, Ronster knew his way around and they soon had Jamie and Patrick out of the catacombs in a jiffy. Kyle looks down at Jamie and Patrick and asks Ronnie why he had preserved them in cocoons and what the cocoons were made of. Ronnie shrugs his shoulders and admits that he didn’t do that. “Sometimes people end up in cocoons,” he says matter of factly. They unwrap Jamie and Patrick, who begin to yawn and blink their eyes like a couple of Han Solos getting unfrozen from carbonite. “Whu.. where are we?” they shudder and Kyle tries to explain. About an hour later, the story is done and Jamie and Patrick still seem a little confused. “So is the basement clean?” Jamie asks, staring around with glassy doll-like eyes. Kyle admits that the basement is not clean at all. “It’s really very gross,” he says looking at the meat people he made and the rodents that continue to mill about. “Do we get our spoooooons?,” Patrick asks dumbly. Kyle says yes, but he’s not really sure. Kyle asks Ronnie if he should be concerned and Ronnie shakes his head and his wings. “No one comes out of the catacombs quite the same, nor do they come out quite different,” he says and apparently that’s all he has to say on the matter. “Welp, thanks,” Kyle says. “No problem,” a chorus of voices echo back. Kyle cocks his head as a large number of Ronnies emerge from the darkness to wave goodbye. “Wait, how many of you are there?” he asks. Ronnie shrugs his wings. “I don’t really remember… maybe around…” That’s right! We aren’t watching 47 Ronnies, but rather the Keanu classic 47 Ronin… hold up, I’m getting word that it isn’t actually a classic, but rather the opposite of that. Let’s go!  

47 Ronin (2013) – BMeTric: 27.6; Notability: 89

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 20.4%; Notability: top 1.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 8.5%; Higher BMeT: Scary Movie V, Movie 43, The Starving Games, After Earth, The Last Exorcism Part II, Getaway, Texas Chainsaw, The Canyons, A Haunted House, A Good Day to Die Hard, Vehicle 19, Tarzan, Welcome to the Jungle, Grown Ups 2, The Green Inferno, The Colony, The Smurfs 2, The Counselor, Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor, Killing Season, and 31 more; Higher Notability: Movie 43, The Lone Ranger, Gangster Squad; Lower RT: I Spit on Your Grave 2, The Starving Games, Getaway, Scary Movie V, Movie 43, CBGB, The Big Wedding, Runner Runner, Paranoia, Grown Ups 2, Are You Here, A Haunted House, The Host, Killing Season, After Earth, R.I.P.D., Safe Haven, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, The Smurfs 2, A Good Day to Die Hard, and 1 more; Notes: We’ve seen 8 of the 12 50+ BMeTric films. It is a little unbelievable we haven’t done The Last Exorcism Part II considering we love franchises and exorcism films. Remember The Canyons … that was weird.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – Spectacular goofiness should be expected of “47 Ronin,” an American film loosely based on the true story of 47 real-life master-less samurai who avenged their disgraced master’s death. As its ads promise, the film features a troll-looking dude with a mace, a giant in a samurai suit of armor, Keanu Reeves with a sword, a tattooed dude with two guns, a sexy lady who floats around in a sentient Snuggy/kimono, and a pissed-off fire-breathing dragon who kinda looks like “The Never-Ending Story”‘s Falkor. But in spite of its enjoyable, easy-to-exploit aspects, “47 Ronin” is a big budget spectacle hamstrung by its need to be at once flippant and respectful of its honor-driven source material.

(That is kind of a long review which at the core just says: this kind of sucks and is all spectacle and no substance. I am a tad bit surprised they aren’t like: Keanu … can we not? Which was the impression I got when the movie actually came out.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEoDulGTElE/

(BWAAAAAAAAAAAH! BWAAAAAAAAAH! Looks dumb. I can’t believe they thought this was a movie that looked good and made sense. It looks ridiculous.)

Directors – Carl Rinsch – ( BMT: 47 Ronin; Notes: Oh right … we actually had a theory that this guy was actually just a proxy for Keanu filming the film himself. He has no other credits and really hasn’t since either. Almost seems like a pseudonym, although there is a picture on IMDb so maybe that isn’t quite correct.)

Writers – Chris Morgan – ( Known For: Fast & Furious 6; Furious 7; Wanted; Fast Five; The Fate of the Furious; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; Shazam! Fury of the Gods; Cellular; The Vatican Tapes; Connected; Red One; BMT: Fast & Furious; The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift; 47 Ronin; Notes: Jeez, he’s got a lot on his plate. Another Fast & Furious film, a Conan film, a Gears of War film, and a Bride of Frankenstein film (?). That last one seems maybe like some weird holdover from when the Dark Universe was being developed.)

Hossein Amini – ( Known For: Drive; Snow White and the Huntsman; The Four Feathers; The Two Faces of January; Our Kind of Traitor; Killshot; The Wings of the Dove; Jude; Shanghai; BMT: 47 Ronin; The Snowman; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for The Wings of the Dove. I’m not joking when I say … I’ve never heard of that film, and it was nominated for a real award (writing) in a relatively recent year (1998). Bizarre. Writes a lot of television now including the Obi-Wan show.)

Walter Hamada – ( BMT: 47 Ronin; Notes: Kind of weird, I think this was maybe his spec script. But now he’s a huge producer overseeing all of the DC content for WB. Although I imagine that is now past-tense and he no longer does that. His only upcoming project is a live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film.)

Actors – Keanu Reeves – ( Known For: The Matrix; John Wick; The Matrix Reloaded; John Wick: Chapter 2; John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum; The Devil’s Advocate; Speed; Constantine; John Wick: Chapter 4; Toy Story 4; The Matrix Resurrections; Bram Stoker’s Dracula; Point Break; Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure; Something’s Gotta Give; A Scanner Darkly; Knock Knock; The Neon Demon; Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey; DC League of Super-Pets; Future BMT: The Matrix Revolutions; Street Kings; Sweet November; Chain Reaction; Feeling Minnesota; BMT: The Day the Earth Stood Still; 47 Ronin; The Lake House; Johnny Mnemonic; Replicas; The Watcher; Notes: Y’all know Keanu. Do you think they will ever actually make the Constantine sequel? I guess they could, he’s only become more famous and the film has something of a cult following which could work. Attached to a BRZRKR film which is weird.)

Hiroyuki Sanada – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; The Wolverine; The Last Samurai; Bullet Train; John Wick: Chapter 4; Sunshine; Minions; Life; Mortal Kombat; Army of the Dead; Army of Thieves; Speed Racer; Ringu; Mr. Holmes; The Railway Man; The Twilight Samurai; Minamata; Ring 2; The Catcher Was a Spy; The Promise; Future BMT: Rush Hour 3; BMT: 47 Ronin; Notes: Was in Shogun which is fun. Also was in John Wick 4 so seems to have continued a relationship with Keanu of some kind. Was scorpion in Mortal Kombat, I wonder if that sequel will ever happen.)

Kô Shibasaki – ( Known For: Battle Royale; The Boy and the Heron; One Missed Call; Kiraware Matsuko no isshô; Suspect X; Crying Out Love in the Center of the World; Go; Dororo; Tokyo Raiders; Over Your Dead Body; Detective Conan: Private Eye in the Distant Sea; Doomsday: The Sinking of Japan; Child of Kamiari Month; Shôrin shôjo; Scarecrow; Mezon do Himiko; Maiko haaaan!!!; Yomigaeri; Nobunaga Concerto: The Movie; Baragaki: Unbroken Samurai; BMT: 47 Ronin; Notes: Did a voice in The Boy and the Hero. Seems to be much more in the Japanese cinema scene at the moment.)

Budget/Gross – $175,000,000 / Domestic: $38,362,475 (Worldwide: $151,783,839)

(Yeah terrible. I remember when this came out and it was a notably huge bomb.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 16% (14/89): 47 Ronin is a surprisingly dull fantasy adventure, one that leaves its talented international cast stranded within one dimensional roles.

(Yeah seems about right. To me the supernatural elements being so in your face and CGI is an issue and it should have been much more grounded until they went off briefly to get the magic swords. But that’s just me.)

Reviewer Highlight: There’s nothing pretty or exciting about this movie (inexplicably, it’s in 3-D), even when all anyone’s doing is fighting. – Wesley Morris, Grantland

Poster – 47 Bone-in Steaks

(I like the pop of orange in the middle, but the fact that this is a poster for a movie featuring a large number of samurai (who knows how many) is crazy. Like that tattoo bone person is more important than the main character samurai? Really? Bizarre. C+)

Tagline(s) – This Christmas, seize eternity. (D-)

(Noooooooooo! If you have this as a tagline then you are required to feature Santa Claus. Is Santa Claus on of the 47 Ronin? The answer better be yes.)

Keyword(s) – 2007-2015

Top 10: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), The Hangover Part II (2011), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Terminator Salvation (2009), Due Date (2010), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 90.5 Vampires Suck (2010), 84.2 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.2 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 78.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.0 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 78.0 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 77.9 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.5 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.1 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012), 75.2 The Apparition (2012), 75.0 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.4 God’s Not Dead (2014), 74.1 The Spirit (2008), 73.6 The Last Exorcism Part II (2013), 73.2 The Unborn (2009), 72.1 Dance Flick (2009), 71.3 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.9 Texas Chainsaw (2013)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Scary Movie V (2013), The Last Airbender (2010), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Love Guru (2008), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011), Norbit (2007), Movie 43 (2013), I Know Who Killed Me (2007), Prom Night (2008), Bratz (2007), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Dragon Wars: D-War (2007), One Missed Call (2008), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Skyline (2010), The Devil Inside (2012), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Furry Vengeance (2010), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), After Earth (2013), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), The Gallows (2015), Jonah Hex (2010), …

Best Options (2013-2013): 73.6 The Last Exorcism Part II (2013), 70.9 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 55.1 The Green Inferno (2013), 54.8 The Smurfs 2 (2013), 54.4 The Counselor (2013), 46.7 Machete Kills (2013), 46.4 Walking with Dinosaurs 3D (2013), 46.4 Baggage Claim (2013), 44.2 Identity Thief (2013), 44.1 Paranoia (2013), 41.6 Planes (2013), 41.3 The Hangover Part III (2013), 40.6 The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), 40.4 Admission (2013), 39.6 21 & Over (2013), 36.2 The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013), 35.6 Free Birds (2013), 31.5 Peeples (2013), 29.9 Broken City (2013), 27.6 47 Ronin (2013), 25.5 The Fifth Estate (2013), 24.7 The Internship (2013), 19.4 Kick-Ass 2 (2013), 19.3 Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013), 10.2 Labor Day (2013)

(Alright … well, we could have maybe don’t a better one here, but look through those films. 2013 was just chockablock full of nonsense! But yeah, something like Paranoia (which I’ve actually seen) or Labor Day could have been more interesting.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Keanu Reeves is No. 1 billed in 47 Ronin and No. 1 billed in The Lake House, which also stars Sandra Bullock (No. 2 billed) who is in Demolition Man (No. 3 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 4 (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 16. If we were to watch Sweet November we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – According to Keanu Reeves, filming was first done in Japanese for the sake of the supporting cast, and then filming was done in English.

Carl Rinsch clashed with Universal over the final vision of the film. Universal wanted to make an effects-driven fantasy blockbuster akin to Avatar (2009) or The Lord of the Rings, while Rinsch envisioned the film as more of a drama, such as Gladiator (2000), or Kingdom of Heaven (2005).

This is the seventh cinematic adaptation of the 47 Ronin incident, after The 47 Ronin (1941), The Loyal 47 Ronin (1958), Chushingura (1962), The Fall of Ako Castle (1978), 47 Ronin (1994), and The Last Ronin (2010). This is however the first Hollywood cinematic adaptation.

The film’s budget ballooned to $175 million because of complex re-shoots and a lengthy post-production period. While not a success in cinemas, it did well on VOD, DVD, and Blu-ray.

The character of Kai seems to be patterned after Minamoto Yoshitsune, a twelfth-century warrior said to have been trained in martial arts by Tengu.

Men in Black: International Recap

Jamie

You might be wondering why we are doing Men In Black: International. You might even be asking yourself “Did that movie actually come out? Wasn’t that just a spoof poster in 22 Jump Street?” It did come out and it wasn’t a spoof. It also fits right in on the vaguest of metathemes for the BMT theme year that we have embarked on. That is trying to clean up and collect as many franchises as we can. This is mostly horror franchises, but MIB certainly qualifies since we recently watched the borderline BMT of Men In Black II. Also, as unbelievable as this might sound, it actually is probably the best option available for the year 2019. It was a huge movie that was a huge failure. What else should we watch… Gemini Man? I think not.

To recap, the Men in Black are back, Jack! Kind of… but not really. As a girl, Molly had a close encounter with an alium and MIB and ever since has geared her life around getting recruited by MIB. Eventually she identifies the location of HQ and gets in the door. This is enough to earn her place. She is assigned to London, which is headed by High T and where superstar Agent H rules the roost (even though he appears to have lost his groove). While tagging along with H on a routine protection mission for a VIP, M finds herself attacked by amorphous twins that appear to originate from the Hive. Before the VIP is killed, he gives M a MacGuffin and says that no one can be trusted, including H. Back at HQ, H is demoted and other agents go off to find a connection between the twins and the Hive. M convinces H to join her in following a lead regarding the crystal. They travel to Morocco where hijinks ensue and a new friend, Pawny, is gained. Eventually they discover that the MacGuffin is a powerful weapon and Pawny steals it to give to H’s ex-GF, Riza. *Catches breath* They go to Riza’s compound to get the crystal back, but are caught and are only saved because the alium that M saw as a kid now works there (what a nice coincidence). They are then cornered by the twins, but are saved when High T swoops in. *Wipes brow* Everything seems to have been cleaned up, but H and M aren’t so sure. Eventually they begin to suspect High T himself and follow him to the Eiffel Tower. Turns out he was infected by the Hive the whole time. H, M, and Pawny join forces to kill him and save the day. THE END.

Jesus, that was actually far worse to recap than to watch. The movie itself isn’t the worst but it’s also not good. Clearly it was set up as a direct sequel to MIB 3 and was severely hampered by loss of the mainstay stars. Think about it. We have a superstar agent (that would be Will Smith, now spinning his wheels having lost his mojo). High T would be K, having finally ascended to the top of MIB. It would have produced a final ending to K’s storyline as it turns out that Smith has to sadly kill him to save the world. Everything would hit a little different and at the very least Will Smith would salvage some of the fun. I should also note that I had never seen MIB 3 until now and it was fun… the time travel didn’t make a lick of sense and I didn’t love the ending, but there is a lot of fun stuff in the middle and Brolin was great. In fact it would have been a fun twist for them to continue the series with him from the past (if Tommy Lee Jones wasn’t into it). Finally, the main event, After Everything. Hoooooooo doggy. This movie delivered… hard. Harden is learning to live and love again. We get a Portugal setting, some real gymnastics performed in pursuit of shoehorned sex scenes (Hardin dreams of having sex, remembers having sex, pretty much every way he could have sex without actually having sex… cause he’s meant for Tessa), and an amazing pronunciation of the word chocolate. Fortunately for Hardin, Tessa forgives him for writing about their personal life after he… writes about a different girl he had sex with. Airtight logic my man. I LOVE AFTER!

Hot Take Clam Bake! H knew about it the whole time. Come on sheeple. You are in the packers of Big H over here. You think superstar Agent H isn’t keyed in on his mentor being the Hive? He’s too busy partying and the Hive is letting him break all the rulez. So why stop the good times? Seems like the Hive is doing a decent job running MIB anyway. You ever think what the H in Agent H even stands for? That’s right, Agent Hive. He’s also the Hive, he knows High T is the Hive, and the Hive is actually doing just fine thank you very much. Hot Take Temperature: Laser Guns (or whatever they shoot).

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking pre-pandemic when you’d just make bad reboots when Will Smith turns you down? Let’s go!

I watched this film a little bit ago but like … what happened in it again? For real, this is a perfect example of what they shouldn’t have done with the franchise. Trying to spin it out into a vaguely funny action globetrotting spy franchise? No thanks. Give me the 21 Jump Street version everyday of the week instead.

It isn’t that the world building is any worse, it actually is a bit interesting. I do think there is a disconnect where it begs the question of “Wait … was there always an international organization backing the MIB? The New York Branch wasn’t the be all end all of the situation?” The answer I think must be no. They show that Europe was the center of a mass migration of aliens back during the World’s Fair. But that is dumb.

Is there a worse twist in the history of cinema than the only other famous person in this film being the bad guy? The instant Neeson walks on screen you are like “bad guy, has to be.” And it is.

And is there a worse McGuffin than a weapon that can destroy worlds that you can slip in your pocket and everyone wants? It doesn’t do anything interesting and it doesn’t even have a fun name. Stupid.

And is there a worse way to introduce the hero of the film than to just have her sneak into MIBHQ and be like “lol I found you guys.”?

And is there a wilder and weirder coincidence than the mid-film climactic fight being resolved by this same hero having saved the life of the bad guy’s head bodyguard 20 years prior and thus being owed a blood debt. WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

You see, so many dumb things wrong with the film. But I suppose it could all be explained by this actually having been written as a fourth film for Will Smith and them having to scramble to rewrite it into a requel on the fly. But like … then don’t make it?

A Twin Film (Who?), hooray! They are always so rare. A real deal Product Placement (What?) for Lexus, which might as well be a main character of the film. We got a little globe trotting film, so no real setting. This is almost an excellent MacGuffin (Why?) for the solar weapon that is the main subject of the film, but it needs a name like the Solarplex or something. And a really really Worst Twist (How?) for the inevitable reveal that Liam Neeson was the bad guy all along.

Oooo baby, you best belieb we watched After Everything alongside Men in Black: International. Now which is the better franchise … you know it is After Everything! I’d watch those forever. But sadly, I do think this is the last in the After series. We’ll have to hunt around for our new Wattpad original. In this one the bad boy with a heart of gold has his life in ruins as his one true love won’t talk to him and he’s got a serious case of writer’s block (and alcoholism). In order to get his mind right he needs a sunny holiday in Portugal to make amends with another girl he also had a bet about who he ruined the life of. In the end he writes another book about how he was an even bigger douche than you thought and then jets off to give the worst best man speech in history and get his girl Tessa back. Then she isn’t infertile and they have kids. The End. This movie is obviously an A+ I would watch a thousand of them. I am so sad they are over, and I can’t believe they made five of them and we watched them all for BMT / BMT adjacent. Robert Frost once said …

Read about my sequel idea in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Men in Black: International Quiz

Oh man, get this. I know aliums exist. That much is obvious. So I strolled into Men in Black Inc. and they nueralized me! I think. I don’t remember. I actually don’t remember anything. Do you know what happened in Men in Black: International?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Our hero is working at a call center but really she wants to be working at Men in Black. How does she know about them?

2) She’s now a probationary officer! Hooray. And she finagles her way into what seems like a pretty sweet mission. What is it?

3) Well obviously they are going to be terminated. Neuralized likely … unless … what about a mole hunt!? Everyone loves a mole hunt. Who is the mole?

4) I feel like we might have a serious unnamed MacGuffin here. What does the … thing that Jarvis gave M and why do people seem to want it?

5) What wild fucking coincidence. While out and about meeting with Agent H’s old flame (an arms dealer) who does Agent C meet from her past?

Bonus Question: I was just finishing up Men in Black: International when my new agent Isaac calls me up. What does he want?

Answers

Men in Black: International Preview

Plain Jane is back, Jack! Her new boo, Brad, is away on a big ski vacay with the boys for Xmas break. Holiday blues, anyone? Brain blitz! How about a working vacation for a solo girl on the move? Off she jets to Peru to research her new book: Holly Ween’s Llama Drama. On her way there she has a startling thought: ‘New country, new you.’ With that she dons her Holly Ween disguise and soon she’s the toast of first class. You can take the girl out of the country, but you can’t take the Plain Jane out the girl, apparently, as the first thing she does getting off the airplane is crash right into Alejandro. No one told her that her llama wrangler was going to be so darn tootin’ hot. There’s no crime against flirting is there? After a hijinks-filled tour of Peru, they arrive at their destination, Alejandro’s llama farm. It’s Xmas and Holly Ween and Alejandro soon find themselves under some mistletoe. Just as they are about to share a chaste smooch, Alejandro pulls back. Did he finally see the Plain Jane inside of her? With a pained look he decides to reveal his three darkest secrets. The first is that he actually hates llamas ever since his mother was killed while researching them in the Peruvian jungle. The second is that this wasn’t a chance job assignment. He made a bet with his guy pals that he could make anyone his girlfriend before Xmas and she was the lucky loser. Before she can storm off in disgust he reveals his third secret. He’s in love with her. Oh dear! Plain Jane’s in trouble this time.

“Wow,” Jamie says. Holly Ween’s love story went international… but his is standing right in front of him. That’s right! We are going international with a little Men in Black: International. The last of the MIB saga (people call it that, right?), this one made the mistake of a) not bringing back Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones and b) being terrible. Adding to the mix is our Bring a Friend, which is also ending a significant cultural touchstone. That’s right! After Everything, the concluding chapter of the After series. There were some claims that this had some theatrical release but not according to any reputable news source. Good enough for us. I love After! Let’s go!

Men in Black: International (2019) – BMeTric: 47.8; Notability: 70

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 8.8%; Notability: top 0.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 6.1%; Higher BMeT: Cats, Black Christmas, The Grudge, Secret Obsession, Escape Plan: The Extractors, IO, Trauma Center, The Fanatic, Hellboy, After, The Curse of La Llorona, The Silence, The Poison Rose, Tall Girl, Rim of the World, The Hustle, Primal, Polaroid, Playing with Fire, Serenity, and 2 more; Higher Notability: Dark Phoenix, Maleficent: Mistress of Evil; Lower RT: Polaroid, The Coldest Game, The Poison Rose, The Hustle, The Fanatic, Hellboy, After, Polar, Cats, The Grudge, Trauma Center, Serenity, Jexi, Miss Bala, Dark Phoenix; Notes: Wow … I kind of forgot this film came out so recently. Only five years ago? And I also forgot the second Maleficent film qualified. That’s wild. We saw some weird films that year, Hellboy? After? Serenity? Weird.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – Most of what’s enjoyable about this sequel have been cribbed from other movies, like the star pairing from “Thor: Ragnarok,” the villains’ similarity to the Twins in “The Matrix Reloaded” and the many references to the original “Men in Black,” including the score and the basic character arcs of a rookie learning the ropes from a top agent. Without its stars’ chemistry, there’s little life left on this sequel planet besides surface-level jokes, too-cute aliens and a convoluted story.

(Makes sense for a spin-off especially in light of the third ultimately concluding the series in a reasonably satisfying manner. What’s left is to try and spin as far away from the series as one can … but then you have to ground it with the basic plot and soundscape and junk. Only way to do it.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3lJwV7ZIIk/

(Even our own agents … spoiler alert that isn’t the plot of this film. I mean, it is, but not in the way it is indicated with like a thousand agents all pointing guns at them. This trailer is soulless trash (in my opinion), hate the music.)

Directors – F. Gary Gray – ( Known For: The Italian Job; The Fate of the Furious; Straight Outta Compton; The Negotiator; Friday; Lift; Set It Off; Future BMT: Law Abiding Citizen; A Man Apart; BMT: Men in Black: International; Be Cool; Notes: He directed “Waterfalls” by TLC. So … like one of the best directors ever I suppose.)

Writers – Matt Holloway and Art Marcum  – ( Known For: Iron Man; Future BMT: Uncharted; BMT: Transformers: The Last Knight; Men in Black: International; Punisher: War Zone; Notes: Oh snap, they are credited with Kraven the Hunter later this year. That could be exciting.)

Lowell Cunningham – ( Known For: Men in Black; Men in Black 3; BMT: Men in Black II; Men in Black: International; Notes: He’s the comic writer. I’m surprised the other writers of Men in Black didn’t get a credit.)

Actors – Chris Hemsworth – ( Known For: The Avengers; Avengers: Endgame; Avengers: Infinity War; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Thor; Thor: Ragnarok; Doctor Strange; Thor: The Dark World; Star Trek; Rush; The Cabin in the Woods; Thor: Love and Thunder; Snow White and the Huntsman; Extraction; Ghostbusters; Bad Times at the El Royale; In the Heart of the Sea; Extraction II; 12 Strong; A Perfect Getaway; Future BMT: Vacation; The Huntsman: Winter’s War; Blackhat; BMT: Men in Black: International; Red Dawn; Notes: Oh shoot, he’s Optimus Prime in the new animated Transformers film. That’s going to be dumb.)

Tessa Thompson – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Thor: Ragnarok; Thor: Love and Thunder; Annihilation; Creed; Creed II; The Marvels; Selma; Creed III; Sorry to Bother You; Between Two Ferns: The Movie; Dear White People; Lady and the Tramp; War on Everyone; Passing; Make It Happen; Sylvie’s Love; Little Woods; The Human Contract; Furlough; Future BMT: When a Stranger Calls; For Colored Girls; BMT: Men in Black: International; Notes: Wait they are making a Creed IV? This series is nuts. Nominated for an Emmy as a producer of the TV Movie Sylvie’s Love.)

Kumail Nanjiani – ( Known For: Eternals; Central Intelligence; The Big Sick; The Five-Year Engagement; The Kings of Summer; Stuber; The Lego Ninjago Movie; The Lovebirds; Hello, My Name Is Doris; Migration; The Late Bloomer; Hell Baby; Bad Milo; Hell and Back; Money Shot: The Pornhub Story; Duck Butter; Addicted to Fresno; Brother Nature; A Happening of Monumental Proportions; Flock of Dudes; Future BMT: Life as We Know It; Sex Tape; Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates; Hot Tub Time Machine 2; BMT: Men in Black: International; Dolittle; Fist Fight; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for writing The Big Sick. He’s in four movies this year, and seems like he comes in and punches them up because he’s quite funny it turns out.)

Budget/Gross – $110,000,000 / Domestic: $80,001,807 (Worldwide: $253,890,701)

(That actually isn’t bad. I wonder if they’ll make another attempt eventually. The brand is probably due to a restart. I wonder in the wake of The Slap whether Will Smith could be convinced to reprise in a passing the torch sequel.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 23% (74/320): Amiable yet forgettable, MiB International grinds its stars’ substantial chemistry through the gears of a franchise running low on reasons to continue.

(No! I don’t accept it. MIB3 shows just how easy it is to make random alien jokes work. The film is still fun and funny and feels like something that isn’t really made. That is a surprisingly low rating overall.)

Reviewer Highlight: Nearly everything here reminds you of something else, often better, cleverer, funnier. – Manohla Dargis, New York Times

Poster – Men in Black: After Everything

(This smacks of them not really knowing what people want. You want the pug? You want the bug aliens? Spoiler Alert: those two things are barely in the film. Also this poster kind of hurts my eyes. The mixture of large white spaces and humans in general doesn’t work on posters. At least it looks like someone put some care into it though. C.)

Tagline(s) – The world’s not going to save itself (D+)

(This tagline is also not going to save itself. Is this supposed to be funny? Or is it merely meant to exist? I can’t tell.)

Keyword(s) – 2015-2023

Top 10: Avengers: Endgame (2019), Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Deadpool (2016), Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (2015), Parasite (2019), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), The Martian (2015), The Revenant (2015), Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)

Future BMT: 85.3 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 79.4 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.9 Black Christmas (2019), 76.3 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.7 The Grudge (2019), 73.7 The Turning (2020), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.6 Poltergeist (2015), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.0 Max Steel (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.3 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 64.8 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 63.5 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.8 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.2 Like a Boss (2020), 61.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015)

BMT: Cats (2019), The Emoji Movie (2017), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Fantastic Four (2015), Holmes & Watson (2018), Fifty Shades of Black (2016), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Rings (2017), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Zoolander 2 (2016), The Gallows (2015), The Boy Next Door (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Fantasy Island (2020), The Exorcist: Believer (2023), Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), After We Fell (2021), Moonfall (2022), Blacklight (2022), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Morbius (2022), Hot Pursuit (2015), The 5th Wave (2016), The Snowman (2017), Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021), …

Best Options (franchise): 79.4 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.9 Black Christmas (2019), 76.3 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.7 The Grudge (2019), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 66.3 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 62.8 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015), 59.8 Spiral (2021), 57.8 The Transporter Refueled (2015), 52.3 Boo 2! A Madea Halloween (2017), 50.7 Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016), 48.4 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 47.8 Men in Black: International (2019), 45.4 God’s Not Dead: A Light in Darkness (2018), 44.1 Allegiant (2016), 43.6 A Madea Family Funeral (2019), 43.4 Jigsaw (2017), 43.2 Underworld: Blood Wars (2016), 42.9 Ice Age: Collision Course (2016), 42.8 Insidious: The Last Key (2018), 42.2 Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023), 39.4 Pitch Perfect 3 (2017), 30.4 Vacation (2015), 27.8 The Divergent Series: Insurgent (2015), 27.6 Inferno (2016), 19.4 Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald (2018), 17.1 Venom (2018), 16.1 Pokémon the Movie: I Choose You! (2017)

(Kind of mid table, but it felt like an opportunity to finish off a franchise we just recently visited with the second film. I wonder when we are going to deal with God’s Not Dead.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Chris Hemsworth is No. 1 billed in Men in Black: International and No. 1 billed in Red Dawn, which also stars Josh Hutcherson (No. 3 billed) who is in Five Nights at Freddy’s (No. 1 billed) which also stars Matthew Lillard (No. 4 billed) who is in Wicker Park (No. 3 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) + (4 + 3) + (1 + 3) = 17. If we were to watch The Huntsman: Winter’s War we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – Frank the Pug (voiced by Tim Blaney) and the Worm Guys (voiced by Thom Fountain) are the only characters from Men in Black (1997) and Men in Black II (2002) to also physically appear in this one. Although they have a prominent place on the movie’s poster, these characters have less than a minute of screentime.

The MiB Agents have been wearing the same standard issue Hamilton Ventura watch since the beginning. The iconic Ventura watch was first released in 1957.

There is a secret apartment at the top of the Eiffel Tower where Gustave Eiffel entertained famous guests like Thomas Edison.

Tessa Thompson loves the character of Pawny and knew that Kumail Nanjiani would be perfect for the role. Although his character is all CGI, Nanjiani flew out to London so he could read with Thompson and Chris Hemsworth in person, making the character interactions feel more dynamic.

Sir Paul Smith, who helped design the suits for the MiB Agents in this movie, appears as the typewriter repairman at the secret entrance to London’s MiB Headquarters.

Haunted Mansion (2023) Recap

Jamie

Yo yo yo, ghost house with the most house! This movie isn’t really meant to be scary. Or at least I hope not. It’s for little kids. Sure there can be some spooky looking ghost and some kids might not like that, but I remember liking ghostbusters as a kid and that has a load of crazy, creepy ghosts everywhere. That can be fun. So creepy stuff? Yes. Actually scary? No. It did get me thinking whether I’ve ever seen a scary ghost movie. While I’m not a horror fanatic in part because I do get creeped out by them on occasion, those occasions in reality are pretty rare. Insidious? The Conjuring? Those spookify me for sure. But a ghost film? I’d have to say the scariest ghost film I’ve ever seen is… Ghost. Because isn’t the scariest thing in this world lost love? Awwww.

To recap, Ben is a super genius mourning his lost love. One day he is called upon by Kent, a priest who heard he invented a camera that can see ghosts. In need of some cash he agrees to head out to a mansion owned by Gabbie and Travis and take some pictures. Once inside, though, he is dismayed to find that not only are ghosts real, but by stepping inside he is now haunted. Uh oh! Soon they are gathering a whole gang together to figure out what’s going on with this haunting. You ready? Turns out that a man named William Gracey summoned all the ghosts there in a futile attempt to talk to his dead wife. This included Alistair Crump, a super evil ghost aiming to collect enough souls to escape back to the world of the living. He just needs one more soul (bum bum bum) and the soul has to go willingly. But who could be mourning someone they lost so much that they would give into that?… who could it be? Hmmmmm. Oh right, our main character. Anyway, they track down all the clues and find Crump’s hat, which serves as a “possession” that they can use to destroy him. But they quickly realize that Ben’s not the only one in mourning. Travis lost his dad and almost gives into Crump, but Ben rescues him. Then Ben is lured to the edge of giving into his grief, but ultimately flips it on Crump and kicks him back into the underworld. The house is exorcized and Ben and Gabbie smooch. THE END.

Haunted Mansion is a long and kind of boring movie. I think it suffers mostly by leaning too heavily on a cast that just can’t hold your attention through a flimsy script. At times it appeared like they were improvising a la Curb Your Enthusiasm. Often scenes would just end with a character saying they should look in the attic or something with no prompting or reason, as if they plumb forgot to improvise that part. Patrick is right, they should have had them do a seance or something to try to get a ghost to help them in battle and instead they get a bumbling coward ghost. Something fun to look at and to give us some laughs and to help the story from point A to point B. Anyway, the one highlight of the film is that the ending is very sweet and emotional. I actually had tears in my eyes (no lie) when Travis and Ben were trying to overcome their grief and not succumb to Crump’s temptations. They find hope in friendship and family. It’s sweet. Just wish the rest was a little funnier and fun. As for Ghosted, it has the worst first 15 minutes I can remember with some truly dire Apple product placement. After that you get a solid 70 minutes of cute, kinda funny action rom com. Music was terrible and the ending did an unnecessary rip off of John Wick, so overall it kind of shook out as merely mediocre. I expected much, much worse.

Hot Take Clam Bake! They were all dead the whole time! JK, obviously the ghosts were dead. But yeah, Ben was definitely also dead the whole time. Didn’t you think it was odd when Ben taught Gabbie to sculpt oddly phallic vases in the middle of the movie? Or the unexpected money laundering plot? Or when Whoopi Goldberg showed up and won an Oscar? Alright, fine Whoopi Goldberg didn’t win an Oscar for this. She just won a Golden Globe. But the other things definitely happened. Hot Take Temperature: Ghost Fire with the Most Fire. 

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about the third Haunted House film and the most soulless one yet? Let’s go!

When I watched this trailer I legit thought it kind of seemed good. I liked bringing in Wilson and Devito, it seemed fun, and there is something about colorful ghosts flying around in an explicitly non-scary horror-adjacent kids film.

Watching it there is a fundamental flaw that tripped the whole movie up: too few ghosts. For the first half of the film (more honestly) you basically see no ghosts. And when you do “see” a ghost it is instead a trash non-picture produced by a magic camera.

The back half is better than the first and you can kind of see where they should have gone the whole time. Ghosts and ghosts and ghosts and ghosts. They still needed more visualization of said ghosts, but at least there were some ghosts in this haunted mansion finally.

The ending got me a bit as well. Grief, a husband mourning his wife, a child mourning his father. That’s some feelings. The whole thing resolves quite cleanly, but definitely the most fun part of the film.

Hot take: They should have had more Casper-like stuff in this. Like … a machine that makes a ghost into a human or some junk. That stuff is fun and nonsense and would be a motivation for Leto (oh yeah he’s in this movie), the kid, and the main character to maybe butt heads about who should (and whether anyone should) use the machine. Especially once they reveal that the machine must consume 1000 souls for eternity to work. See? I think I actually made this already nonsensical movie better by adding more nonsense.

This film was desperately yearning for a Planchet ghost. Alas. There is so much Product Placement (What?) in this film, it is crazy. Burger King is prominently displayed, but the vertical integration of Marvel action figures and (blurg) a Marvel Comics Monopoly set really takes the case. Setting as a Character (Where?) for New Orleans. Secret Holiday Film (When?) since the film ends on Halloween. Wild Coincidence (Why?) alert for them just so happening to stumble onto the house reaching its 1000 ghost milestone just as our heroes arrive. And naturally Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that the kid’s father has been dead the whole time. I still think this movie is closest to Good despite being kind of soulless and nonsensical, mostly due to Wilson and Devito who are just fun enough to float the more serious roles some of the others are saddled with.

For the friend this cycle we kind of had to do the biggest streaming disaster of the year. I think Ghosted fits the bill. If only this was about g-g-g-g-g-ghosts like The Haunted Mansion. Instead it is about Chris Evans’ constant pursuit of vertical integration between his Apple iPhone and Apple AirTags. Meanwhile Ana de Armas is a spy who then has to drag Evans’ clingy character around on a world tour trying to disarm a bioweapon peddled by Adrian Brody in one of two BMT performances this year (the other is the upcoming Fool’s Paradise). The film eventually gets a bit fun, but it is let down by (1) the initial scene involving the Apple advert is maybe the worst thing I’ve ever seen and instantly soured me on the film, and (2) the music is awwwwwwwwful. I’m mostly convinced the music was actually generated by an algorithm which analyzed songs that play a lot on Apple Music. The needle drops were constant and bizarre and the entire soundtrack was poppy weird inappropriate music. It was truly weird. Also weird that I can’t find a single critic who has a similar complaint, I would have thought it would stick out like a sore thumb there. Anyways, C- I think in that it is harmless, but also soulless and completely void of any reason to watch or ever think about ever again.

Might as well make a fourth one. Read about it in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Haunted Mansion (2023) Quiz

Oh man, so there I was invited to a dope mansion in Louisiana, when a ghost in a suit of armor popped out and bopped me right on the head with his ax! Now I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Haunted Mansion (2023)?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) We open with a party and a bit of a meetcute, who is meeting and what do each of them do?

2) That meetcute results in tragedy, and now our hero is a little drunk and a little sad. He is approached by a priest though, why specifically does the priest think this person would be useful in investigating this Haunted Mansion?

3) Why do all these people even stay at the mansion?

4) In the end it turns out this is all pretty important. How many souls does Crump (aka spooky Jared Leto) need to … uh, be immortal? But more immortal than I guess he is? And how many souls does he currently have.

5) What is so special about the final soul Leto needs, and who does he choose to give it and why (there are multiple answers)?

Bonus Question: Everything is all cleared up right. What’s this? A call? But from whom could it be?

Answers

Haunted Mansion (2023) Preview

Five days later, Patrick wakes up at Freddy’s Resort, Spa and Pizzeria. It’s actually been a fairly routine four days. Relaxing by the maze, sightseeing in the maze, and all the za you can eat. Each night Patrick expects to awake to whatever nightmare Freddy’s has to offer, but so far no scares to be found. “I’m telling you, Freddy’s isn’t scary,” Jamie insists when he sees the look of concern return to Patrick’s face as night falls. “The only thing scary is how dope this za is,” he says before scarfing down another slice of The Hellraiser. While he wouldn’t normally like a pizza who’s only topping is five pounds of ghost peppers, Patrick has to admit that it’s oddly pleasurable to consume. “Yeah, I’m sorry man. I’ve just been on edge ever since we’ve ended up in this puzzle box to an interdimensional hell,” Patrick admits. “I think I lost sight of what’s important, and that is that you found love with Demon #1 and Demon #2.” He slaps Jamie on the back, who winces in pain. Four night of pleasure (or is it pain?) has left his back shredded like Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Jamie smiles, but then his face turns serious. Patrick is suddenly afraid that the other shoe is finally going to drop. “Patrick,” Jamie says, “I have to tell you something.” Patrick holds his breath. “We just… we love it so much here. Freddy’s is a dream and really, what do we have to go back to in the maze?” Jamie’s eyes are filling with tears. “We’re… we’re moving here. We’re… moving there. And I need to do it on my own,” Jamie is pointing at what is clearly a very haunted house. “Say what?” Patrick asks incredulously. That’s right! We are indeed watching a very haunted movie in Haunted Mansion. No, not the Eddie Murphy one (we’ll pick that up at some point), but the new one. You know, the one that would have gone straight to Disney+ a year ago. We are pairing that with Ghosted, a blockbuster Chris Evans/Ana de Armas vehicle that went straight to Apple+ (in this economy?). It was the biggest, baddest streamer we could find. Let’s go!

Haunted Mansion (2023) – BMeTric: 28.2; Notability: 34

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 15.6%; Notability: top 2.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 22.4%; Higher BMeT: The Exorcist: Believer, Meg 2: The Trench, Expend4bles, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, Best. Christmas. Ever!, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, 65, The Ritual Killer, Five Nights at Freddy’s, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, Maybe I Do, In the Fire, White Men Can’t Jump, Retribution, Hypnotic, Fool’s Paradise, House Party, Locked In, and 19 more; Higher Notability: Rebel Moon: Part One – A Child of Fire, Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted, Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom, Expend4bles, House Party; Lower RT: Freelance, The Ritual Killer, 57 Seconds, Expend4bles, In the Fire, On a Wing and a Prayer, Fool’s Paradise, The Tutor, Vacation Friends 2, Robots, The Re-Education of Molly Singer, The Out-Laws, Knights of the Zodiac, Mafia Mamma, The Exorcist: Believer, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, Pain Hustlers, The Family Plan, God Is a Bullet, Rebel Moon: Part One – A Child of Fire, and 28 more; Notes: This year has been a bit odd still. I do hope things return a bit more to normal in 2024 as far as the cinema goes, but with the writer’s strike I fear we are in for another weirdo year of stuff getting pushed around and jockeying for space.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – “Haunted Mansion” is constructed with the familiar bricks of a Gothic tale, down to the theme of grief that runs throughout. There’s a thoughtful examination of how grief makes us vulnerable while also being able to harness the power of that love to connect with one another and appreciate the lives we lead. There’s also value for family audiences in the nostalgic spookiness that rides along the surface. But with a repeated sourness in the film’s comedic efforts and a tragically misused ensemble, “Haunted Mansion” misses the chance to become a Halloween classic.

(This is a better review than I expected. Spoiler: I mostly agree. The film is more entertaining than it has any right to be, but it also is a lot worse than it needed to be. Some fatal misteps which were entirely avoidable.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iB_1o3c19y0/

(Wait … that’s Jared Leto? How weird. The film looks very interesting actually, but (spoiler) … yeah they show most of the good parts. The problem with the film is it takes ages before you actually see any ghosts which is pretty unfortunate. The ghosts are the most fun part!)

Directors – Justin Simien – ( Known For: Dear White People; Bad Hair; BMT: Haunted Mansion; Notes: I’ve heard the series Dear White People is pretty good. He seems really young, although his age isn’t on his IMDb.)

Writers – Katie Dippold – ( Known For: Ghostbusters; The Heat; Future BMT: Snatched; BMT: Haunted Mansion; Notes: Wrote 31 episodes of Parks and Rec. Kind of weird she has a solo credit here all things considered. I would think Disney would want to get a few more cooks in there.)

Actors – LaKeith Stanfield – ( Known For: Knives Out; Get Out; Uncut Gems; Straight Outta Compton; Snowden; The Purge: Anarchy; Selma; Short Term 12; Death Note; Judas and the Black Messiah; Dope; Sorry to Bother You; The Harder They Fall; War Machine; Someone Great; Miles Ahead; The Incredible Jessica James; The Photograph; Crown Heights; Come Sunday; Future BMT: The Girl in the Spider’s Web; BMT: Haunted Mansion; Notes: I forgot his was nominated for an Oscar for Judas and the Black Messiah. Played a major role on Atlanta as well.)

Rosario Dawson – ( Known For: Sin City; Death Proof; Unstoppable; Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief; Zombieland: Double Tap; Grindhouse; 25th Hour; Sin City: A Dame to Kill For; The Lego Batman Movie; Clerks II; Trance; The Rundown; Sorry to Bother You; Kids; Rent; He Got Game; Shattered Glass; The Captive; Jay and Silent Bob Reboot; Top Five; Future BMT: Seven Pounds; Eagle Eye; Alexander; Unforgettable; Ratchet & Clank; Light It Up; BMT: Men in Black II; Space Jam: A New Legacy; Zookeeper; Haunted Mansion; The Adventures of Pluto Nash; Down to You; Notes: A crazy year for her, ended up in Ashoka as well. All over that Disney brand. She was a rare addition to the Rent film adaptation since the original castmember was pregnant and couldn’t do the role.)

Owen Wilson – ( Known For: The Grand Budapest Hotel; Cars; Midnight in Paris; Wedding Crashers; Night at the Museum; Meet the Parents; The Royal Tenenbaums; Zoolander; Fantastic Mr. Fox; Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania; The Darjeeling Limited; Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian; The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou; The Cable Guy; Wonder; Marley & Me; Starsky & Hutch; The French Dispatch; Shanghai Noon; Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb; Future BMT: Meet the Fockers; The Internship; Cars 2; Hall Pass; Little Fockers; You, Me and Dupree; Drillbit Taylor; Masterminds; How Do You Know; Free Birds; Paint; BMT: Armageddon; Behind Enemy Lines; Anaconda; Around the World in 80 Days; The Haunting; Zoolander 2; I Spy; Haunted Mansion; Father Figures; Marmaduke; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for playing Lightning McQueen in Cars. Joking, he was nominated for writing The Royal Tenenbaums with his long time collaborator Wes Anderson. They met in college in Texas.)

Budget/Gross – $150 million / Domestic: $67,653,287 (Worldwide: $117,449,790)

(Yeah that is quite bad, but the whole streaming thing muddles all this stuff. But it seems doubtful this necessarily moved the needle for Disney in any way. Also weird that they released two different Haunted Mansion films pretty close together.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 37% (94/253): Haunted Mansion’s talented cast makes the movie a pleasant enough destination, although it’s neither scary nor funny enough to wholeheartedly recommend.

(I don’t think it would ever be scary. But yes, I would have imagined it should have been funny. It should have had like … a ghost sidekick or something.)

Reviewer Highlight: There is a mansion, it is haunted, boo, blah, the end. – Manohla Dargis, New York Times

Poster – A Haunting in Orlando

(I’m not sure the cast warrants this poster. You would think the mansion is the star and yet it’s just a little itty bitty thing in the crystal ball. Mistake. Nice font and colors, though. B-.)

Tagline(s) – Home is where the haunt is. (A+++)

(Noooooooo. I appreciate the effort though. I have to make that very clear. I would take a terrible, horrific pun 100 out of 100 times over some generic bullshit. So obviously this gets an A+++)

Keyword(s) – Year 2023

Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Barbie (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (2023), The Flash (2023)

Future BMT: 84.6 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 67.0 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 48.0 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 43.8 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 43.5 House Party (2023), 37.2 Paint (2023), 35.8 Freelance (2023), 31.6 The Machine (2023), 27.7 Love Again (2023), 24.9 Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023), 20.9 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023), 18.4 Nefarious (2023), 9.1 The Shift (2023), 9.1 Camp Hideout (2023), 8.8 Back on the Strip (2023), 8.3 Sweetwater (2023)

BMT: Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Expend4bles (2023), 65 (2023), Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), Retribution (2023), Hypnotic (2023), My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), Mafia Mamma (2023), About My Father (2023), Haunted Mansion (2023), Fear (2023)

Best Options (imdb-keyword-haunted-house): 28.1 Haunted Mansion (2023)

(I genuinely thought maybe there would be some odd Haunted House one there, but naw, this was the only one. Whatever,)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Rosario Dawson is No. 1 billed in Haunted Mansion and No. 2 billed in Zookeeper, which also stars Kevin James (No. 1 billed) who is in Pixels (No. 2 billed) which also stars Adam Sandler (No. 1 billed) who is in Jack and Jill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch Like a Boss we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – Gracey Manor is modeled after the original Disneyland Haunted Mansion. Crump Manor is modeled after Magic Kingdom’s Haunted Mansion at Walt Disney World.

The namesake of “William Gracey” and the “Gracey Manor” (the Haunted Mansion’s mansion name), stems from Yale Gracey, a Disney Imagineer and member of the Academy of Magical Arts (their clubhouse is The Magic Castle in Hollywood, CA). Yale was the one who created a modernized version of “Pepper’s Ghost Illusion.” He showed a model to Walt Disney, who loved it and honored Yale by calling the mansion “The Gracey Mansion.” Today, the attraction still holds the largest display of Pepper’s Ghost Illusion in the world (it is the dining room scene with the ghosts flying around the table). The original, working, model is still on display at The Magic Castle in Hollywood, California.

The chair in which Harriet is seated at the spirit session, and in which she is later expelled from the Mansion, resembles the ride vehicles, known as “Doombuggies”, in the Haunted Mansion ride in the Disney parks.

Eddie Murphy, star of The Haunted Mansion (2003), was invited back to make a cameo appearance but was turned down when he demanded $500,000 for one days work.

Vic, the cohost at Crump Manor, can be briefly heard to play the theme to another Disney attraction, “it’s a Small World,” on the piano.

Kickboxer Recap

Jamie

Sometimes our eyes get a little bigger than our BMT stomachs, but usually that’s because we recognize that a veritable smorgasbord of goodness is coming our way. How couldn’t we watch Kickboxer and Kickboxer III: The Art of War as our Bring a Friend combo when both films happened to air on a September 1st in the 90’s? And how couldn’t we supplement that with a bonus Kickboxer II: The Road Back? It’s impossible. It’s literally impossible. Show me someone who says they could resist that and I’ll show you a liar. If you’re reading this and think “I’m not going to watch three Kickboxer movies in one week,” I’m here to tell you… you’re a liar. Did you even hear the subtitle “The Art of War”? When this whole cycle has been an Art cycle… *ring* *ring* hello, it’s me, destiny, and I’m here to turn on your radio. What’s that? What about Kickboxer IV: The Aggressor? Stop being ridiculous. We may be crazy, but we’re not stupid.

To recap, Eric Sloane is the world champ in kickboxing but everyone is like “you can’t beat Thailand.” Being dumb he’s like ‘oh yeah?’ and schedules a fight in Thailand against a totally unknown fighter in Muay Thai, a type of fighting he’s never done. His much smarter younger brother Kurt is like “don’t do it,” particularly when he hears that his opponent Tong Po has killed people and mostly stands around punching concrete pillars all day like a psycho. But Eric (being quite stupid) fights him anyway and is paralyzed. Kurt is devastated and after getting laughed out of all the gyms in Bangkok accepts the help of expatriate Taylor to find Xian Chow, a famous Muay Thai trainer. After some training and some smooching with Chow’s niece Mylee, Kurt wins a fight to set up the revenge match with Tong Po. Tong Po’s trainer puts all his money behind Po and in very 80’s action film fashion decides that he should probably insure victory by having Tong Po kidnap Eric and rape Mylee. He holds Eric hostage to force Kurt to go the distance but ultimately throw the match. Mylee is ashamed and begs Tylor to help get Eric back so Kurt doesn’t have to lose. Taylor and Chow get Eric back just in time for Kurt to turn the match around and destroy Tong Po. THE END.

Boy, I very much enjoyed this very dumb movie. We’ve seen a lot of JCVD movies over the years but I think this might be the best one to help understand his draw as a potential movie star. And not just because you can see that he knows what he’s doing in terms of kickboxing and has some natural charisma and charm. It’s mostly because the actual pro kickboxer they got to play Eric is flat as can be. It seems hard to find both a guy who pops on screen and knows how to make a fight look real and he can do it. Tong Po is also a good villain. It’s fluff, but it’s fun fluff. As for the sequels, boy oh boy oh boy. This is what Bring a Friend is all about. Sasha Mitchell clearly likes to kickbox, but he’s a totally ridiculous actor. I vaguely recall his character on Step by Step was kind of a dumb lunk and this is right in line with that. The first sequel is pretty funny in how they stretch the backstory (he’s a previously unmentioned younger brother of the characters from the first film who “died because of kickboxing”… but they also show Kurt being shot in cold blood by Tong Po?) but otherwise is not so different than the original. The third film. Hoooooooooooo doggy. Holy shit. What a wild ride. Suddenly we are in Brazil, our boy Sasha is adopting children, there’s a real crazy sex trafficking story line that is already out of place in this kickboxing (?) movie… but then Sasha goes totally commando out of nowhere and murders people. And he’s like “it’s always hard to kill people.” Is it?… Is it, Sasha? It’s also amusing because in multiple movies people die or are paralyzed during sanctioned matches and Sasha stands up at different points and rails on the corruption in the sport and I can’t tell if these films are supposed to be an advertisement for or a warning against kickboxing.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Frank Lane wanted to get caught and killed by Sasha. He was suicidal. Think about it. Here’s a rich guy running a sex trafficking ring in Brazil. He’s got authorities on his payroll. Things are going pretty well. In walks a kickboxing champion with a street urchin and his sister in tow. What do you do if you are a master criminal? Do you A) wait until after the kickboxing match, say a fond goodbye to Sasha, and promise to look after the girl? OR B) take the girl right then, antagonize Sasha, leverage all your wealth betting against the champ, and then get killed by a child? You can think over those two choices while also marveling at the fact that this take came from Kickboxer 3. Hot Take Temperature: Brazil.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about a JCVD classic besmirched by critics (are you dumb?) and supplemented by two direct-to-video sequels (wait … are we dumb?). Let’s go!

Hellllllllllll yeah … so yeah, obviously I’ve seen this film before and I was like “cool, good movie, enjoyed it..” And then when I saw the Rotten Tomatoes score my eyes popped out of my head and steam came out of my ears. Ric-goddamned-diculous.

Sure the brother actor is terrible. And so is the bad guy. Both of those guys are also kickboxers who can’t act their way out of a paper bag but whatever.

And sure they go straight to the issue I’ve had with a lot of these low budget 80s and 90s films: literally paralyzing and nearly killing someone is fine, but when they want to kick up the bad guys’ badness another degree they can’t help but go straight to sexually assaulting someone the hero loves. Blah.

And fine the mentor character is kind of a weird cartoon and a total knockoff of Miyagi.

But goddamned if I don’t really enjoy Bloodsport, this, and The Quest. There is something so pure in the descent into madness that series of films ends up being once you consider the progressive amount of control JCVD had in each of them. One sec, have to pop in my Criterion Steelbook of The Quest.

Oh I almost forgot the dance scene. The dance scene is a must watch. I think the Criterion Collection released just the dance scene as a 4K/Blu-Ray 2-disc special edition.

Let’s roll right into the sequel shall we? We did the two main sequels to the film as Friends, the first being Kickboxer II: The Road Back. Also fun. The main actor is an abomination though. I can maybe see what they were going for, and by all accounts he was a kickboxing fanatic, but they needed an actual kickboxer in the role. His friend ended up being in a few more films eventually and I think he could have maybe held his own in the role. I just don’t buy the guy from Dallas as an elite kickboxer, and there are some laugh out loud moments with his character, specifically at the end when he mumbles “Do you have no honor” while bleeding profusely from his face. It is honestly priceless. Still though, a pretty fun if at times weird movie.

Now as for Kickboxer III: The Art of War … what the hell? This movie is some of the most incredible shit I’ve ever seen. Somehow the main actor has gotten worse since his last outing in the role. His character at times comes across as genuinely dumb, and his outfits … he starts the movie in a truly sublime bright red set of overalls, and later pops on some shorts where I could (I swear to god) see the entire outline of his dick. This was the actor’s clothing. It has to be! Anyways, eventually because some manager who is setting up kickboxing tournaments turns out to be a pedophile and a child prostitute sex slaver you know what that means … yeah, our kickboxer has to shoot like 12 people in the face and save everyone. Yup, he Seagals it. No need to know any martial arts, he barely does any in the film, nope, he just gets an automatic and sprays bullets at any bad guy he sees. And sure, there is a weird bit where they try and exercise him to death, but in the end that only makes him stronger (obviously) and he destroys the crazy guy he was brought in to spar with. This movie is bonkers. This is exactly what I want direct-to-video sequels to be … well, minus the child sex trafficking. But yeah, 10/10, A, I would watch these films again, they are hilarious.

Obviously a great Setting as a Character (Where?) for Thailand (although it is never beating the A+ Bangkok Dangerous). I think that is it, it isn’t a real twist that Van Damme wins. The movie is obviously Good.

Read about my direct sequel to the original in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Kickboxer Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I’m a kickboxer. I get kickboxed in the head all the time. I’ve sustained a thousand concussions. I don’t remember anything. Do you remember what happened in Kickboxer?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) JCVD and his bro are off to Thailand to show off older brother’s championship kickboxing skillz. What freaks JCVD out about the upcoming match?

2) What injury does the brother sustain?

3) Welp time to train. How does JCVD meet his Mr. Miyagi?

4) How does not-Mr.-Miyagi get JCVD into the big fight?

5) What do the bad guys do to try and psych out JCVD right before the fight?

Bonus Question: So what happens to JCVD after the big fight?

Answers

Kickboxer Preview

September 1st, 1966

Arthur is looking outta sight. Collar? Popped. Pants? Tight. Sideburns? Loooong. His summer has been spent jamming to the latest hits on his record player. His dad had one word of advice for him as he navigates this crazy thing called life: “why don’t you get outside for some fresh air?” And with that he swept his arm in the general direction of Central Park and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (nature’s movie is Born Free) he ventures forth and soon finds himself groovin’ around the park. Just when he catches the eye of a lady and pops her a patented Arthur Finger Gun, he feels a hand grab his shoulder. “Did you just pop my gal a Finger Gun, buddy?” A fellow of the football variety asks him. Arthur assures this fine fellow that in fact he was popping the finger gun to the old peanut vendor that happened to be behind his gal. He also assures him that he’s got a nice gal himself up in the Niagara Falls area that wouldn’t take kindly to such behavior on his part. But this doesn’t fool the football fellow and Arthur soon finds himself upside down in a trash can. “I can’t abide this!” he says, slamming his fist into the side of the trash can. But what can he do? He looks over at a flier for kickboxing lessons. He nods his head slowly but eventually discards the idea. He is already a martial arts master. “I need to showz these bozoz.” He says, which is not only a very cool thing to say, but also happens to be a cosmic key that inadvertently connects him to his ancient ancestors. His eyes glaze over and he enters a patented Artorius Memory. That’s right! Arthur may not be taking Kickboxing lessons, but we are. We are watching the JCVD classic Kickboxer where JCVD kickboxes a bunch (I’m just guessing). We are also pairing this with Kickbozer 2 and 3 which look pretty great (even though they replace JCVD with Step by Step’s Sasha Mitchell). Let’s go!

Kickboxer (1989) – BMeTric: 20.8; Notability: 14

StreetCreditReport.com – Notability: top 23.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 24.9%; Higher Notability: Tango & Cash, Troop Beverly Hills, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child, Harlem Nights, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Fletch Lives, Leviathan, Lock Up, Pink Cadillac, Listen to Me, Family Business, Millennium, Three Fugitives, Dead Bang, Let It Ride, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, Renegades, Slaves of New York, The Karate Kid Part III, and 38 more; Lower RT: The Toxic Avenger Part II, Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects, Speed Zone, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, House III: The Horror Show, Elves, Worth Winning, Night Game, Second Sight, Wired, Dream a Little Dream, Wild Orchid, No Holds Barred, She’s Out of Control, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Millennium, Chattahoochee, The Lemon Sisters, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, and 38 more; Notes: The Top 10 90s Listing Plays for qualified films: The Karate Kid Part III (161); Who’s Harry Crumb? (136); Physical Evidence (94); Family Business (91); Road House (89); Pink Cadillac (82); Speed Zone (78); Harlem Nights (75); Gross Anatomy (75); Dream a Little Dream (75). Only seen one of those. This ain’t on there either, Kickboxer played around 46 times, so a decent amount. Man, Karate Kid III played like a thousand times in 1990.

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars –  Van Damme seeks revenge against Thai fighter who crippled his brother. Strictly by the numbers. Followed by several unrelated sequels.

(UNRELATED! Slander. The main character is supposed to be the younger brother of the two characters from Kickboxer. Relatedly I’m a bit surprised at least the second didn’t get a review in the Maltin book, but I guess there is a bridge that is even too far for Leonard.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1vPYM1d3wo/

(Cannon. Nuf said. But for real, that looks bomb. Ridiculous that people are like “dumb movie”.)

Directors – Mark DiSalle – ( Future BMT: The Perfect Weapon; BMT: Kickboxer; Notes: Color me a bit skeptical here. He is a producer and only has credits for Kickboxer basically. I imagine he directed the film, but brought in Worth to “advise” or something?)

David Worth – (Notes: Oddly he isn’t in TMDB or something? He has directed a ton of stuff, including a few Cynthia Rothrock films we’ll probably watch.)

Writers – Mark DiSalle – ( Known For: Kickboxer: Vengeance; BMT: Kickboxer; Notes: Yeah there is very little about this guy, and I can’t be bothered to look it up. He doesn’t have a wiki … I think he just really really liked kickboxing?)

Jean-Claude Van Damme – ( Known For: Kickboxer: Vengeance; The Eagle Path; The Order; Future BMT: Lionheart; BMT: Kickboxer; Double Impact; The Quest; Notes: This and Bloodsport are the guys. He apparently heavily edited Black Eagle, and then in Bloodsport and this he claims in some places that he did all of the directing and choreography for the kickboxing. And in both of those he brought along Michel Qissi who was his good friend from Belgium.)

Glenn A. Bruce – ( Known For: Cyborg Cop; BMT: Kickboxer; Notes: Apparently was originally tapped to develop Bloodsport as well, but lost the project. Afterwards he was brought on to develop Kickboxer.)

Actors – Jean-Claude Van Damme – ( Known For: The Expendables 2; Minions: The Rise of Gru; Kung Fu Panda 2; Bloodsport; Kung Fu Panda 3; Street Fighter; Hard Target; Timecop; No Retreat, No Surrender; In Hell; Sudden Death; Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning; Kickboxer: Retaliation; The Last Mercenary; Inferno; JCVD; Black Water; Legionnaire; Kickboxer: Vengeance; Welcome to the Jungle; Future BMT: Last Action Hero; Lionheart; Breakin’; Death Warrant; Maximum Risk; Nowhere to Run; Missing in Action; BMT: Universal Soldier; Cyborg; Kickboxer; Double Impact; The Quest; Double Team; Universal Soldier: The Return; Knock Off; Notes: Y’all know Van Damme. This film is chockablock with his friends from Belgium and the wider kickboxing community. Dare I say this is probably the best example he has of creating the movie he was born to create. Bloodsport is the only one that could maybe stand beside it.)

Dennis Alexio – ( Known For: Picasso Trigger; BMT: Kickboxer; Notes: Picasso Trigger?! You kidding me? His IMDb bio is quality: “Dennis “The Terminator” Alexio is considered to be one of, if not the, greatest heavyweight kickboxing champion in the sport’s history. His record is an outstanding 70-2, with 65 wins by way of knockout.” Ignore the later stuff about outstanding child support and bank fraud. Actually seems to be most famous for getting his shin shattered during a widely televised match.)

Dennis Chan – ( Known For: The Man with the Iron Fists; Naked Weapon; Yes, Madam!; Kickboxer 2: The Road Back; God of Gamblers; Twin Dragons; Heart of Dragon; Kickboxer 3: The Art of War; Fight Back to School; Future Cops; A Simple Life; Naked Killer 2; A True Mob Story; Seventh Moon; Naughty Boys; I Love Maria; Mermaid Got Married; The Lunatics; Pom Pom; Hong Kong Corruptor; BMT: Kickboxer; Knock Off; Notes: Oh snap he was in Knock Off too?! He was in the original trilogy, but doesn’t seem to have made the jump to the fourth one. Was born in Hong Kong and he and his brother seemed to have been big deals there.)

Budget/Gross – $2.7 million / Domestic: $14,697,005 (Worldwide: $14,697,005)

(Yeah that’s solid. But Van Damme is going to Van Damme and can’t be locked into a Kickboxer franchise. So he moves onwards and upwards to fame.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 36% (4/11)

(Ah I get to do a consensus: Derivative of the bigger films of the genre, the only thing that could save it is excellent acting … this ain’t it.)

NYT Short Review: Martial arts yarn set in Thailand. American kickboxer and Asian master.

Poster – Sklogboxer

(Wait, how did I transport back in time and hang this poster up in my childhood bedroom? I like the color scheme. Font isn’t great, but I like how it’s like old school cartoon art. I think it looks pretty cool. A-.)

Tagline(s) – An Ancient Sport Becomes A Deadly Game. (B)

(That’s not a bad cadence. Not sure about the juxtaposition of Ancient and Deadly, but it’s trying something, so I can forgive some of the clunkiness and length.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), The Godfather (1972), Scarface (1983), 12 Angry Men (1957), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Back to the Future Part II (1989), Dead Poets Society (1989), Citizen Kane (1941), The Game (1997), Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 59.0 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.1 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.9 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.3 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.7 Speed Zone (1989), 41.7 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.4 Club Paradise (1986), 39.0 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 38.0 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 37.0 Desperate Hours (1990), 36.0 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.8 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.4 Spring Break (1983), 34.2 Father Hood (1993)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Leviathan (1989), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Fools Rush In (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Kickboxer (1989), Magic in the Water (1995), Lock Up (1989), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Best Options (IMDb keyword kickboxing): 20.8 Kickboxer (1989)

(Oh good there was a kickboxing one to do. Joking, I matched up Kickboxer to a funny keyword to see if any other kickboxing films that qualified would work for the cycle. Evidently not. Here we are just doing the most obvious and hilarious qualified-friends trilogy we could find.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jean-Claude Van Damme is No. 1 billed in Kickboxer and No. 1 billed in Universal Soldier, which also stars Dolph Lundgren (No. 2 billed) who is in Expend4bles (No. 4 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch Norm of the North we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – Dennis Alexio, who plays Eric Sloane, was a World Light Heavyweight and World Cruiserweight kick boxing champion in real life.

The scene in which Kurt has meat tied to his leg and is chased by Xian Chow’s dog was inspired by a real-life event in which a young Jean-Claude Van Damme was ordered by his karate teacher to wear a protective suit and withstand the attempts of a trained dog to pull him to the ground.

The title held by Dennis Alexio’s character in the movie – the International Sport Karate Association (ISKA) Heavyweight Championship – is a real championship and has been held by Alexio during his fighting career. The belt in the movie, however, is not modeled after the actual belt.

Michel Qissi was a technical advisor/choreographer when he overheard the production crew say they were looking for a tall oriental-looking guy with a background in Muay Thai. He volunteered, and got the part of Tong Po. Because he is originally from Morocco, make-up was used to make him look more Asian.

Tong Po is mistakenly billed as playing himself (during the film’s credits). In fact, Michel Qissi played the villainous Thai for this film and its sequel Kickboxer 2: The Road Back (1991). Kamel Krifa played the character in the 4th. Qissi can also be seen in three other Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, Bloodsport (1988), Lionheart (1990) and Kickboxer: Vengeance (2016). In Bloodsport, Qissi is the fighter that gets his leg broken by Chong Li. In Lionheart (AWOL) Qissi plays Moustafe who alongside another legionnaire is trying to bring Lyon from America back to Africa. In Kickboxer: Vengeance, a remake of this movie, Qissi has a brief in-joke cameo as a prisoner who remarks “You forgot about me?” as van Damme walks past his cell.