Recap – Page 18 – Bad Movie Twins

Morbius Recap

Jamie

Hooo hooo, now this is more like it. It feels like the more common reaction during a BMT Live is a hope that we didn’t screw up a little by jumping the gun and watching a film that is merely bad and not BMT bad. No worries this time as Morbius is complete trash. Not trash in the way the boring, Flatliners remake was. That had us asking “why did they make this and why are we watching it?” No, this is an actively horrible, mostly incomprehensible, one of the worst endings I can remember type of film. I never wanted to walk out of the theater. It was a tragedy in three parts.

First, the very premise is inane. I could go on and on (and on) about the science behind this film. So Dr. Morbius has a genetic disease… caused by a mutation or alteration of some sort (I presume) and yet he has to use vampire bat DNA to fix it. Uh, why not the several billion other people on Earth who don’t have the alteration? Surely that would be easier. Then when he incorporates this alteration into his DNA he requires blood for sustenance (fine) and can’t use the artificial blood that makes him uber successful (fine, fine) but it also has to be human blood specifically. Hold up. Why? Do vampire bats only sustain themselves on human blood? Or bat blood? Or whatever would ever make that make sense. Oh yeah, and he’s totally a human when he drinks blood but turns into a monster other times, cause that’s also how DNA/bats work. Again, I could talk about this forever.

Second, to prop up this premise they fill the script with “they sound like jokes, but I assure you they are not” types of jokes. What do I mean? No one ever has anything to talk about other than the pseudo-science mumbo jumbo so when they can’t talk about bat DNA they are delivering quippy one-liners. And these one-liners sound like they are being written $10 a pop for an awards show. At times so much noise and motion was happening on screen that I couldn’t really even tell what was and wasn’t a joke. The delivery was so flat and the moment so fleeting that it was lost in the wind (and straight out of my brain) immediately.

Finally, and most egregiously, you literally couldn’t tell what happened in the back third of the film. They set up a big climactic fight and then decided to have it take place while everyone was falling off a building through smoke and a swarm of bats. Suddenly the bad guy died and the movie ended, but not before bringing Morbius’ love interest back to life (as a bad guy? Who knows) and delivering Michael Keaton as Vulture FROM AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FRANCHISE! My head exploded. Making heads or tails out of this film is impossible in the moment. Scientists will have to study it like Dr. Morbius studied that bat DNA.

And I will study it forever if they give me the chance. Give me a sequel! I want The Mummy 2 starring Tom Cruise. Keep this going and don’t you dare give up! Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Morbius? More like Why Us?! amirite? After Venom and … uh, a second Venom, people were clamoring for that sweet Sinister Six. And who’s better for that than (checks notes) Morbius? Who the hell is Morbius? Let’s go!

For real, it is hard to even figure out Morbius because he is barely a character it seems. Is he in the Sinister Six? He was in the Sinister Sixty-Six and Sinister Sixty … so he’s like the deeeeeeep bench of the Sinister Six. But time to call him up to the show, show us what you’ve got Morbius!
That’s it? That’s what you got? You ooze smoke and are a not-really-vampire? He can move fast, but for real, you trap him in a box for a day and he’s toast! A perplexing decision top to bottom.
Let’s add bar-none some of the worst action scenes I’ve ever seen. Completely incomprehensible, and I assume, when producers realized all of the action scenes looked like trash they screamed “Uh, quick, have him ooze smoke so the audience can’t see how crap it looks!” Because Morbius is nonsensically oozing smoke all over the place.
And wait … why does he have to drink HUMAN blood? Vampire bats drink like cattle blood, shouldn’t that be sufficient? Seems easy peasy and like an actual cure when you put it that way …
And not since Hitman: Agent 47 (inducted into the Hall of Fame this year) have we seen so many humorless jokes in an action film. Leto calmly and quietly says “I’m Venom” at one point and it takes five seconds before you register “wait … that was supposed to be a joke.” And that was the best joke in the entire thing.
So what are the chances of a sequel? I think 0%. There is no way that any of this ends up going anywhere without Tom Hardy carrying it over the finish line as Venom. They still have three more people to go! I guess they could just get bad guys from older Spider Man films and stuff. Doc Ock and Green Goblin would actually probably both do it in the end because why not?
Decent Setting as a Character (Where?) for New York City. Is the mythical cure for Morbius’ rare disease a MacGuffin … yeah why not, a MacGuffin (Why?) for that nonsense. And a for real Worst Twist (How?) for none of the Sinister Six set up, but instead the reveal that Morbius’ doctor girlfriend is still alive.
Theater rating? You best believe I had a solid time at AMC Framingham. Surprisingly busy, so I had to sit a little close to the screen, but otherwise nice and quiet and relaxing. I have a feeling this section for Live! will end soon since I’ll just be heading off to AMC Framingham for cheap matinees for the foreseeable future.

I’ll once again point out that I put sequel ideas into my quizzes, so I’m going to stop doubling up on that in the recaps. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Bones (2001) Recap

Jamie

Welcome to the Bones Zone where I’m prepared to talk about all things Bones. So let’s get going. Fact number 1: *checks notes* Bones is a film that I watched. And thank you, that’s all I got. I have already forgotten the details of Bones but it’s a fun enough cheapo horror film. Definitely different than the typical fare given the concept. A bunch of musicians buy a house that unbeknownst to them was where a numbers runner, Jimmy Bones, was murdered. They try to open a nightclub there and inadvertently raise Bones from the dead and he goes around killing those that wronged him in the past and then other people to gain his evil strength. You see? Definitely different. It just didn’t really have the means to make it actually good.

For example, there are a number of cheapo horror films that I love. Night of the Demons, Pumpkinhead, Basket Case, etc. What made those stand out? They are highly original and also actually creepy. They use whatever means they have available to bring the horror to life. This is certainly a unique viewpoint for a horror film, but seems more inspired by Halloween 5 or something. It also had some of the worst old person makeup that I can remember. Which is a pretty big deal when you are in a genre that is known for some dope special effects. Like how can you even think about being in the same genre as something like The Thing while just caking a guy in plaster and saying that he’s old now? Anyway, it’s by no means a bad movie, but also not a cult classic like I was led to believe by some very reputable sources (read: wikipedia). But maybe I’m being a little too harsh because I like watching horror films and was kinda excited for this one.

So I said this was a pretty original film and that’s true as you don’t get a blaxploitation inspired horror film every day, but that’s not the only thing that clearly inspired this film. I love weird connections so I thought I’d detail the obvious, the maybe not so obvious, and the awesome inspirations for this film:

The Obvious – Amityville Horror. This is a haunted house film at heart but this takes it even a step further in the visual look of the house involved. Amityville Horror made a lot out of the general creepy, face-like house heavily used in its poster. Guess what this house looked like?

The Maybe Not So Obvious – Hellraiser. This was actually the first film that came to mind as I watched it. We have an evil spirit that gains strength as people are murdered and his ghost/dog consumes the flesh and blood. You even see him come back to like in a very similar way, from skeleton on up.

The Awesome – I’ve always loved the idea of weird, unexpected adaptations. Add this to the pile cause this junk is Julius Caesar. We have Bones ruling the roost until he is betrayed by his supposed friends and stabbed to death. We even have Bones’ gf trying to persuade him not to go to the meeting due to a premonition, just like in the play. And just like in this film Julius Caesar came back to life and murdered everyone in a nightclub… right?

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Bones (2001)? Wait … 2001? Were we not doing all 12 seasons of the television series Bones from 2005 starring Emily Deschanel as the titular Bones? I watched 245 episodes of David Boreanaz for nothing?! Let’s get into it!

Naw I was joking, I’ve never seen an episode of the show Bones … although given by love for Psych, Muder She Wrote, and other cheesy murder mystery shows I’m sure I would love it.
Bones, what is there to say about Bones … literally what is there to say? The film is somewhat of an enigma. A Blaxploitation-style Haunted House movie. Can you name another film like it? The closest I can really get is something like Candyman where they took urban legend themed slashers into housing projects.
Snoop Dogg is a terrible actor, but I can forgive him for that since he isn’t an actor. I liked Pam Greer.
Oh, the film does have bar none the worst makeup I’ve ever seen. The anti-Norbit. You have to see this shit, there is a character where they are trying to age him up, but instead of just putting some white hair on his temples they decide to put him in a terrible fat suit … it is a very distracting and perplexing decision.
Perplexing is also how I would describe the main character’s decision to buy a decrepit building and make it into a nightclub and, seemingly, open that night club within a month of buying a decrepit building full of rats. The party looked kind of fun I suppose, although they were just serving pizza on paper plates and stuff? Odd choice for a night club. Then again, I’m not sure I’ve ever been to a real nightclub. Is that a thing? Just ordering a mess of za to the club?
Man, turns out I had a lot to say about Bones, except I barely talked about it still somehow. A run of the mill haunted house film with some bad looking 70s flashbacks concerning crack flooding into American cities. I’m not at all surprised it got terrible reviews since it is a bad horror film.
I’m honestly at a bit of a loss for any superlatives I could throw its way, because it isn’t really set anywhere, and the people aren’t really looking for anything (except a good time at a party house). Closest to Bad, just for its terrible fat suit and makeup on the police officer.

I’m going to leave it there. Look for the sequel plan in the Quiz as usual. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

How High Recap

Jamie

It’s not that bad! It’s not that bad! Boy oh boy, as Patrick implies it’s not common for me and him to disagree about films, at least to a significant degree, but I guess I was in the mood for a real dumbo stoner flick cause I dug this movie. I could almost end my review there, cause I simply had a good time watching Method Man and Redman joke around about taking Harvard by storm. Is there a story? Not really. Does anything make sense? Obviously not. Is it structured like a coherent narrative? Not in the least. Are all the scenes with the improving pimps unnecessary and terrible? For sure. Did it matter to me? Nope.

The very concept of this film falls into the category of “how the hell did they make and release this film.” It’s kind of hard to explain but I’ll try to be concise. Essentially, Method Man is a botanist and after his friend dies he grows some weed using the dude’s ashes. When he then shows up to a college admissions test he meets Redman and they smoke the weed. It’s good. So good that the dude’s ghost shows up and gives them all the answers to the test. Harvard comes a-knockin’ and by the time they are in college (and getting hounded by the straight-laced nerd-alert dean) the narrative falls apart and you just need to know that they are trying to get a couple of gals and stay in school. So why did I like it so much? I’m going to give you my ranked list of the five craziest things that happened in the film:

In a poorly aged sequence, we see Method Man and Redman decide they need to get some ladies. They find some coeds on campus who seem enchanted by them and proceed to have sex. Why is this crazy? We then cut over to their roommates filming them, followed by a sequence where they sell the tapes on campus. Gross and crazy it made the cut.
Redman woos the daughter of the Vice President. It’s not all that crazy other than imagining the writers being like “the daughter of the President is obviously not realistic. Let’s make her the daughter of the VP instead.”
At the big climactic alumni party the gang gets everyone high on the special weed and demonstrates that Benjamin Franklin’s newly discovered artifact is not a cannon like they thought, but a giant bong. When everyone doesn’t believe them the ghost of Benjamin Franklin shows up and is like “Yup, it’s true” and that’s how they win the day.
The Dean is named Dean Cain. Like for real.
Realizing they are going to flunk out of school without their special weed they decide they need to smoke a different dead guy. Who is buried on campus? Check out President John Quincy Adams. From there we get a full ten minutes of them digging up JQA, pulling a gross hyperrealistic corpse out, dragging it across campus as their friend pukes all over the place, and then scenes of them trying to break apart, mash up, and smoke the corpse. It… is… insane, and also hilarious.

And that’s not even mentioning the bicycle scene. It’s just funny. It is. You can’t deny it. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! How High? More like How Low? Amirite? I think you guys are in for a bit of a treat, because I think this is a rare BMT moment where Jamie and I kind of disagree. Let’s go!

The tale of two movies for me. I thought the first hour of the film was not very funny, mostly weird, and kind of boring. But guess what? The last thirty minutes did a lot to save it. I laughed out loud several times throughout the climax of the film, which indeed left a somewhat better impression.
But I still maintain that while the set of the film is interesting, that first hour isn’t actually very funny. It is mostly annoying. But, of course, one could chalk it up to me not really being the audience for the film. Like … is it any more dumb than Hot Rod? No. And yet I find that movie A+ hilarious.
A very rare appearance of the actress who played Lisa Turtle in a feature film.
Method Man is actually a good actor, but we all knew this anyways.
Anything involving the two pimps (including Mike Epps who we just saw in Next Day Air) and the two ladies who Silas and Jamal secretly film (yup, gross) is terrible.
I’m actually a bit confused by the student villain character Bart. There is basically no pay off regarding him. He ultimately still goes to Harvard and is still an asshole at the end of the film. The character is basically the same as Richard Bagg from Van Wilder, but in Van Wilder they really really really give him a comeuppance (disproportionate to how terrible he really was, it is kind of nuts), whereas here they kind of just forget about him in favor of destroying Dean Carl Cain instead.
If there is only reason to watch this film it is for the scene where they dig up John Quincy Adams’s corpse. That is the level of absurdity I wish the rest of the film consistently had.
A definite Planchet (Who?) for Jeffrey, the frat-pledging roommate of Silas and Jamal who they beat up and demean throughout the film. Solid Setting as a Character (Where?) for Massachusetts as the film is definitely set at Harvard University. And naturally why not throw in Worst Twist (How?) for the inevitable reveal of Ben Franklin’s bong. Closest to BMT for me dawg.

There is actually a sequel to this film which came out on streaming a few years ago which, truly, has nothing to do with this original film. Which is sad. They even set up a sweet sequel where they would live in the White House! I may or may not have outlined this sequel in the Quiz. Although it also may or may not have devolved into a knock off of the original xXx.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Next Day Air Recap

Jamie

It’s not that bad! It’s not that bad! Phew, haven’t done that in a while. I was pretty surprised by Next Day Air. It’s a to-the-point vignette about a group of amateur criminals who accidentally come into possession of a very criminal amount of pure cocaine. How? A local delivery company, the titular Next Day Air, employs a couple of idiots who mostly smoke weed, steal stuff, and deliver things to the wrong addresses. Like a mini-Tarantino film a whole bunch of characters jump into the mix of trying to track down the drugs and we ultimately end with a surprisingly violent climax. Overall it almost felt like a part of an anthology film, and I mean that as a compliment. It doesn’t over complicate anything. It’s not perfect by any means, but it was surprisingly good in terms of storyline, characters, acting, and directing and so I was pretty pleased, particularly with the first half of the film.

I think the biggest critique is that while it starts out with some decent jokes it starts to get serious pretty fast by the back half of the film. Hard not to when you need to get yourself into a shootout over stolen drugs. But it is a little jarring that while Yasiin Bey and Donald Faison appear prominently on the poster, they are only used sparingly. Once they are out of the way and we have dropped the flashbacks that everyone gets (to a time when everyone was a little more hilarious, apparently), we are knee deep in death and destruction. Not exactly laugh-a-minute comedy material. Really moves from broad comedy to extra dark comedy across the runtime and this gave me a little whiplash. It also meant the back half of the film was a bit more boring. So mixed bag, but still not that bad!

I’m going to do a classic BMT drinking game for this one:

The title is spoken or seen (1 drink – I can’t tell if NDA is a joke or not)
Faison says a line (1 drink – this would be killer if he were actually the main character)
Someone dares to do drugs (2 drinks – it’s no laughing matter)
The elevator works… or doesn’t work (2 drinks – it works sometimes)
Flashback! (3 drinks – what happened before the movie is funnier than the movie itself)
A character dies (3 drinks – it puts the ha in ex-ha-cution style murder)
Yasiin Bey is on screen (waterfall – he is literally the entire poster and appears twice)

That’s not half bad. Despite the fact that I liked it, I can admit it’s a weirdly constructed film for the comedy it purports to be. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Next Day Air? More like Kind of Fair! Amirite? These are the toughest moments of BMT. Those moments where you just aren’t the audience for a film and you kind of like it, but then you don’t know if you kind of like it because you are dumb and have bad taste, you know? Let’s go!

This is an odd one because it is a comedy where everything but the comedy mostly works with the film. The film isn’t funny. There are maybe one or two things in it I would call “clever”, but nothing I would actually call funny.
But then the film is a better “clever” crime film anyways. Coincidences compounding on each other to rope a hapless delivery man (Faison) into the even more hapless world of small-and-big-time drug dealers.
That version of the film is pretty solid. I liked it. The comedy version of the film distracts you by just not really being funny.
Faison and Wood Harris in particular are quite good in the film as well. The rest of the actors I could give or take mostly.
This film might have one of the most misleading advertising campaigns I’ve ever seen. The trailer screams COMEDY at you when the film isn’t really that. And you barely see the drug dealers in the trailer as well. The trailer is 75% Faison (who is in the film for like 30 minutes total), with a healthy dose of Yasiin Bey (who, and I’m not joking, you see every single scene he is in in the trailer, he is in the film for maybe 10 minutes total).
I don’t want to say that is the reason the film was panned by critics, but I’m sure it contributed to it. “Not funny” is a death knell for a comedy film. But it shouldn’t have been for this film since the film is amusing enough to be what it was trying to be, which is an amusing (and surprisingly violent) crime caper.
Anyways. Solid Setting as a Character (Where?) for Philadelphia. And I think that is mostly it. I couldn’t tell what wristwatch is in the film, but that could have been a good product placement if it was more explicit. I think this is closest to a Good film.

This is a rare time when I have to say Ebert is totally right. How could I make this film better? I kind of can’t. Because it is what it is. It set out to be a thing, and it is that thing. One of the main issues is how overtly they advertised it as a comedy (when it is barely that) and how much Faison and Bey feature in the trailer (when they are in the film for maybe 30 minutes total). So in a way it is all that other stuff that isn’t the movie that would make the most sense to change.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers Recap

Jamie

Lore, baby! Lore. This is what happens when a film becomes pure lore and it is a BMTutiful sight to behold. Let me riff on this for a second. And by a second I mean for far longer than that. You have to dive deep to understand the level of lore we are dealing with here. It’s not just an origin story for Michael Myers. Not just a simple “Freddy Kruger was the progeny of a hundred criminally insane maniacs.” No, this film takes all of the previous five films and like a crazed conspiracy theorist weaves them all together. Magnifique.

To start, the fifth film ended on an insane cliffhanger where Jamie and Michael are taken from prison by the Man in Black. The Man in Black was a wholly unexplained character in the film, so it was left to whoever made the sixth film to define him. Indeed, the screenwriters of The Curse of Michael Myers jumped right in and proclaimed that this mysterious character from film five was connected to the mysterious symbol on Michael’s wrist from film four. They are the Cult of Thorn and they are here to use Michael for their own nefarious deeds.

But who are they and what do they want? For that we actually are best served by going back to Halloween 3 (that’s right, the film that has nothing to do with Michael Myers… or does it?). That’s because when they veered away from Michael the focus of the series briefly shifted from the singular killer to the very idea of Halloween. They went back to the original idea of the holiday (aka Samhain) and its connection to sacrifices. Much like in the third film the primary antagonist isn’t Michael Myers anymore, but really a puppetmaster of sorts who is using the powers of sacrifice to gain strength. This is basically the entire plot here: Michael Myers was cursed by this cult and every so often on Halloween (when the thorn symbol appears in the stars) awakens and goes on a killing spree to murder everyone in his family (and beyond?). This benefits the cult in some vague way. So when Jamie escapes from the cult with her baby (Michael Myers’ final sacrifice) they are left with no other choice but to set him loose on Haddonfield again to finish the job.

This is also how the second film most strongly connects to the sixth. Not really through Samhain (which is mentioned briefly in that film as being connected to Michael), but rather through the killing of his family. It’s impossible to forget that the second film is where they made the terrible mistake of retroactively making Laurie Strode the sister of Michael. The later films are worse than the second, but I think that’s still the worst thing they ever did. Anyway, this gives a rock solid (and totally unnecessary) explanation for why Michael would want to kill his family. As if a maniac needs such an explanation!

Finally that brings us to the first film (and my favorite of the lore building). So Michael is loose on Haddonfield and thus, like the yin to his yang, the even more insane Dr. Loomis’ reign of terror begins anew. He teams up with his old colleague Dr. Wynn and Tommy Doyle (both not seen since that first film) to track down Jamie’s baby and keep him safe from Michael. This is all before Dr. Wynn is revealed to be the Man in Black himself! And you know what this clears up? In the first film there is some mystery around how Michael Myers knew how to drive like a pro after spending his entire life in a hospital and Loomis explains that he seemed to be driving just fine when he saw him so maybe “someone taught him.” You bet someone did. Dr. Wynn, Cult of Thorn maestro himself. It should be noted that in the novelization of the first book it is claimed he learned by watching Loomis. Bah! Trust in the Lore is my motto. You best believe Dr. Wynn spent many Saturdays giving driving lessons to Michael.

Behold my masterpiece on the pure lore that is the sixth film. So I must have loved it, right? Hell no. This is by far the worst of the films. I actually forgot what a catastrophe it was. It is horrible. Straight dog poo. The hilarity of the lore is its only redeeming quality. It was so bad that they had to basically smash cut and ADR their way to a reshot ending in the insane asylum that actually ended up as the best part of the film. A nonsensical reshoot was somehow better than the rest of the garbage they put to screen.

As for New Year’s Evil? Well, for horror completionists I think this is a must. It’s such a weird film and I think indicative of just how lost some people got in trying to replicate the success of other slasher films. But it is quite fun for a few reasons: some really weird motivations for the characters, excessive use of the “punk” stereotypes of the 80’s, and a real dumbo killer. To elaborate a little on the last point: unlike many horror films that try to hide their killer, we spend about half the film riding around with the murderer as he does his murdering and he… is… terrible at it. Throw away the notion of an unstoppable force of evil. This is a very stoppable man who bumbles his way to his own death. Suicide by being real bad at stuff. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers? More like More Halloween? Curse you Michael Myers! Amirite? Only if you imagine me shaking my fist ruefully at Michael Myers. Let’s go!

My god, look what they’ve done to my boy! Halloween, you’ve never looked so bad. Top to bottom, front to back, side to side gobbledegook. Just nonsensical garbage. Dare I say it? I ran up to this film, a lover of horror mega-franchises and slashers in general and they slowly pushed dog poo right into my face.
You know I love to say it: this film is a slap in the face to fans of the franchise.
When I go back to school to get my PhD in BMT-ology (at BMT University) my dissertation will be entitled: How to Ruin Horror Franchises, Lore in its Many Forms. The crowning jewel of the thesis will be about this film.
The Cult of Thorn. Don’t you see? The mark of Thorn condemned a child to kill their family in a blood sacrifice according to Celtic legend. But then why does Michael only escape on occasion? Well, because a constellation in the shape of Thorn only appears every so often. … nailed it? What absolute drivel, answering questions no one is asking.
Weirdly, if they had just landed on that lore earlier in the series it could have worked. Michael is dead? Who cares? The whole issue was the insistence that The Shape NEEDED to be Michael Myers! So now he becomes an invincible unstoppable force and the whole thing is a retcon. Lore. Ruins. Everything.
I’m now very intrigued to see just how bad Halloween: Resurrection is. Because this movie is garbage. It might actually be the worst of all of the mega-franchise horror I’ve seen. Zero interesting kills. Terrible acting (yes even Paul Rudd). Perplexing decision making. Poor direction.
Obviously you always need to give a Setting as a Character (Where?) for Haddonfield when it comes to Halloween. And an A+ Holiday Film (When?) for Halloween. And I’m going to throw out the Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that the other doctor from the first film was the head of the Cult of Thorn and Man in Black the whole time. Definitely a BMT I think, just for how terrible it is.
Oh, and our friend! New Years Evil is an early slasher (1980) and actually quite interesting. An interesting killer obsessed with time. A very old school 70s feel. But … horrible acting and it feels like a television film. It is interesting to see how people were still creating that early slasher feel into the 80s when the big franchises were just starting to exploit the genre. And I’m shocked they have never tried to remake it or create a modern sequel. There is a nugget of a cool idea there for sure.

Time to dive into my reworking of the series. After the third film they should have stuck with Michael being dead. But then The Shape should appear again. And the big reveal there would have been something like Tommy Doyle was the new Shape. Loomis though begins to get confused. Tommy? He wasn’t a psycho, just in such shock from the events of the first film that he had gone to the same asylum as Michael had been at! The middle trilogy then is the unraveling of the Cult of Thorn, where it is revealed that Michael was the first test subject. A young sociopath that a cult-obsessed doctor had cursed with Thorn 10 years prior. And the three movie set then finishes with the destruction of Thorn … but can you contain such a powerful and ancient evil? Probably not. Would have set it apart from the other major horror franchises at least.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Priest (2011) Recap

Jamie

Bless me father for they have sinned. It’s been eleven years since they confessed. Here are their sins:

Retroactively stealing the BMTverse from Patrick and I. The entire setting of this film is some alternate universe Earth where megacities are surrounded by a dangerous Waste/Scorch and supercops/priests go around blasting baddies with laser guns. Uh, excuse me? That is quite literally the stereotype that is the BMTverse. We’d like our royalties, father.
Cam Gigantic… I love him… and by love I mean that I love to see him in films because they are guaranteed to be BMT. And he delivers, father, oh boy does he deliver. It’s not like anyone else is throwing the heat here except “Cam Gigantic Forever”. I’m ready to get him into the BMT version of the Expendables right now… no, I didn’t mean the Avengers, why?
They dare (dare!) to set themselves up for a sequel. I guess it wasn’t unfounded. This was the age of Underworld and Resident Evil. Probably felt like we would be lamenting the gritty reboot of the Priest franchise in 2022 after six films that ended with the evil robot Priest turning against his makers and teaming up with the Priest clone army to destroy the werewolf/vampire/frankenstein’s monster horde that has surrounded Light City or some shit. Truly, some weird franchises came out of that time.

They are (probably) sorry for their sins. Amen.

Well that was fun. Kinda flipped the review with the game. Overall, the film seems pretty small. It runs from an opening exposition explaining the origin of our vampire world right into the kidnapping of Bettany’s daughter (what a twist!) and the rest of the film follows linearly from there to the climactic battle scene. To sum it up: the priests are supercops (not to be confused with time cops) born to fight vampires. A priest-vampire hybrid returns and kidnaps Priest’s (secret, shhh) daughter. That got him and Cam Gigantic all riled up. So why did the hybrid kidnap her? Uh, I guess to lure Priest into a battle so he could try to turn him to the dark side. Mostly cause I think he knew he sucked and needed more priests on his side so he didn’t get totally owned like the loser he was. But also, he was a loser and no one liked him so the Priest just owned him instead. The end. In retrospect not much of a plan. I would have gone with a sneak attack rather than the “alert everyone to your plan and hope to convince people to also become gross monsters” attack.

It very much feels like they tried to take a graphic novel to the big screen and ultimately that both worked and didn’t work. Like credit where credit is due, I think there are some fun visuals in the film. The plethora of Renfields are interesting, it’s bookended with some cool cartoons, and it ends with a train battle. But everything still felt a little flat. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Priest? More like Least, amirite?! I think I am!! Remember when Paul Bettany was an action star? I guess he still is, he’s Vision in the Marvel films, but still, there was a brief moment when a slight British man somehow led multiple action films. Let’s go!

Paul Bettany growls his way through this film a la Christain Bale in Batman and it just doesn’t work. I think maybe because Bettany neglected to … you know, look strong. He does attempt to lose his accent (poorly), so he was going for it.
I guess that begs the question though: why did we watch this prior to Legion? Shouldn’t we have gone in true Paul Bettany filmography order for the PBEU (Paul Bettany Extended Universe)? I can’t wait to find out how Priest connects to The Secret Life of Bees.
If you can’t tell by the notes so far the only reason this film exists at all seems to be as a Paul Bettany vehicle … it is hard to grasp that in 2011 that was something that was released to theaters. That new hot Paul Bettany vampire vehicle.
Karl Urban as the bad guy? Marissa’s grandpa from The O.C.? Christopher Plummer getting paid in the shade? CAM GIGANTIC?! How can Gigantic even look Marissa’s grandpa in the eyes, he (SPOILERS) killed Marissa in the show!
The creature designs were kind of cool I suppose, if you were going for a unique moleman kind of idea for vampires.
But then the setting is bizarre. Vampires have been around for a long time, but we are positing it is some unknown point in the future (I think, they have like robot bikes and stuff so it must be, right?). It is all based on a Korean manhwa series, so I suppose you just have to roll with the punches.
If I was more well schooled in Westerns I would be able to do a better job of seeing where the film (and probably comic) copied from more famous works. It seems pretty blatant, I think it is arguably an adaptation of The Searchers in some ways.
Really I can only give this an award for Worst Twist (How?) for the inevitable reveal that Priest is, in fact, Lucy’s father and not her uncle as we’ve been led to believe. Definitely a BMT.

The film in its own weird way reminds me a lot of Jonah Hex. An odd borderline steampunk Western with a gruff anti-hero. All it needed was Lance Reddick crowing “Happy Fourth of Juuuuuly” to me and this would have actually been a four star masterpiece.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Moonfall Recap

Jamie

Where are you? Why do you hide? Where is that moonfall trail that leads to your BMT Live, babbyyyyyy! That’s me just riffing on the Moonraker theme to psych myself up for a borderline qualifying BMT film. Me and Patrick watched with bated breath as Moonfall appeared to be on its way to the ultimate “good for what it is, eat your dumb moon movie, dummies,” film of all time. Every review was like “Good if you’re a big idiot who likes dumb shit, 3/5 stars.” But suddenly it seemed like it wasn’t so and it was heading to BMT town, choo choo. So we bet big, watched the movie, and we won, cause this is an easy qualifier now.

So you may be wondering, “Jamie, did it live up to the hype? Was it actually a bad movie that reviewers were letting slide because they can no longer tell if they are supposed to be reviewing films or trying to predict what people are going to like (and thus yell at them on twitter about)?” Uh… well no and yes. Sure this movie is about the moon being a superstructure whose engine appears to be failing. And yes, the conspiracy theorist who discovered it and two disgraced astronauts fly into the moon and defeat a big AI-driven swarm of robots or something. So you can definitely check the “big” and “dumb” squares off your BMT bingo cards. But honestly, I kinda dug it. It’s super weird and science fiction-y and I liked how weird it was, particularly the ending. That being said, if you read the reviews they are like “you’re going to have a blast with this dumb fun action romp,” and I don’t really agree with that. Really the worst parts of the film were when they did the whole 2012-esque action and adventure stuff. And the very worst part was when they inserted a Lexus commercial into the middle of the film and they used some kind of “sports” mode in the car like it’s a NOS button in The Fast and the Furious. So a mixed bag overall and probably makes sense that this arrives at BMT by the slimmest of margins.

Since Patrick did a State of the Theaters (SotT) I will do a classic Sequel, Prequel, Remake. Obviously this is a smash hit so we gotta start thinking about the Sequel. I’m going to say we go full Marvel and say that once the moon was discovered to be a superstructure, parts that had come off and fallen to Earth have been scavenged and found to unlock the secret of future tech. The world changes over night for what appears to be the better. But wait, what villainous creature appears in the sky to rain on their utopia? K. C. Houseman, the conspiracy theorist himself, now full moonman. He’s been living in the moon for years learning everything he can from the AI. Putting the pieces together he can see that mankind is heading for disaster and only he can stop it by breaking bad and attacking Earth. That’s right! He’s the bad guy and a whole bunch of disgraced astronauts have to Tokyo Drift all over space to stop him. Now that’s what I’m talking about. Wooooo. Wait, what’s that? I’m just getting word that this was not in fact a smash hit. It actually the opposite. Alright, well trash that. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! BMT Live! babbbbbbbbbbby! We pounced on this one when it was at like 39.8% on Rotten Tomatoes, and we were vindicated, it is now 38.3%! Let’s go!

Is this movie dumb? Yup. Is this movie poorly cobbled together? Yup. Does this movie have a giant ad for Lexus disguised as a boring B-story no one cares about? Yup.
But is this movie profoundly bad? No. It is weirdly entertaining. Absolutely blew by. Glanced at my watch and realized that I was an hour-and-a-half into the film.
But that’s what BMT Live! is all about, right? I’m pretty convinced that I would have watched Moonfall at some point streaming randomly and we would have never done it for BMT if not for watching it in theaters.
What percentage of people died on Earth during this film? 50%? 90%? 99%? I would say 99%, because all of the oxygen on Earth was lifted up and suffocated everyone in Colorado who didn’t have alternative breathing devices. But then maybe that was just because it was Colorado and thus higher up? John Bradley is like “take care of my mum.” Bro … I’m not sure your mother made it. I’m not sure if more than, like, 70 million people are alive on the planet. I’m sure if there was a sequel there would be some dumb thing being like “a million people died in the moon disaster” and I would be like WHAT, but whatever.
Is John Bradley a Planchet in this film? He’s on the heavier side, people are bewildered that he is around and tend to dunk on him at every opportunity. Then he is also oddly capable and helps the heroes out in the end … I’m going with no though. He is too capable. Planchet merely helps the Musketeers out. He doesn’t grab a sword and defeat Cardinal Richelieu himself.
Incredible Product Placement (What?) for Lexus, in that there is an entire commercial where Michael Pena puts the car into “hyperdrive” to get away from some baddies. Nice Setting as a Character (Where?) for Colorado. Decent MacGuffin (Why?) for just like evil AI that lives in the moon I think. And a terrible Worst Twist (How?) for obviously (obviously) Bradley staying behind to save the day (doesn’t mean I didn’t cry though). Definite BMT, even if Rotten Tomatoes thinks it is borderline.

I should probably do a very short report on the state of theaters. They are good. I was in a small theater (maybe like 30 reclining seats) with eight other people, but they were one giant group it turned out. But they were as silent as church mice and the experience was excellent. I think 2022 is looking good for theatrical experiences … only more so since I no longer have to go to Vue or Cineworld. AMC Framingham is like a palace compared to some of the theaters in London.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Walking Tall (2004) Recap

Jamie

Boy oh boy. I do believe Walking Tall is a secretly very solid BMT film. I might even entertain the possibility that it’s even better than very solid. Why? They took a very basic plot and twisted it until the main character literally became a monster. You see, the Rock arrives home and looks around and is like, “Why is the lumber mill closed? What is this tiny, tiny casino? And how did I lose a football game to Neal McDonough?” He becomes enraged by these facts (particularly the last one) and destroys everything in sight while visiting the tiny casino. The original at least then gave him a reason to go back and take further vengeance. This one? Not really. The Rock just works out a bunch and is good to go until he hears a rumor that maybe, possibly, kinda, vaguely someone in the vicinity of the casino sold some drugs to his nephew. A matter for the police, right? And maybe at least confirm a few facts? Nope. The Rock has no time for that. He instead just smashes up the casino like a crazy person. When they show his trial I was like ‘good, he’s a menace to this small town.’ They don’t even have the decency to make it all that clear that the local cops are in cahoots with our boy Neal. Besides it’s not like The Rock does much better when he becomes sheriff. He just kicks them to the curb for his own style of cronyism as he installs his woefully underqualified BFF as his deputy. Justice!

None of this makes sense, particularly as they zoom to a conclusion which consists of The Rock immediately finding out that it’s not just small-time drug deals coming out of the casino. They’re actually using the old mill as a place to make drugs in bulk! My god! He then beats up Neal, arrests him for the drugs, and reopens the apparently totally economically feasible mill. Woah! Neal, my man. You’re saying you had the entire infrastructure for a profitable lumber mill at your disposal and you closed it down for a little tiny meth lab? And the whole town was just sitting around unemployed ready to run the mill for you? Honestly you probably could have run the meth lab in a number of other places and made a bunch more money as the lumber mill/casino/meth mogul of the Northwest US. I guess I could see the argument of really beating down the town so you can run it, but don’t you want to run a thriving town? Who wants to go to a weirdo tiny casino in a dead mill town filled with meth. I just don’t think Neal thought this whole thing through.

I think you can tell from my obsessive recounting of the very plot of the film that I very much enjoyed it. It’s like a child wrote it. A big monster man just beats people up with only vague notions as to why he’s doing it. Anywho, one of the enduring mysteries of the franchise is what the term “walking tall” really means. Well, as far as I can glean from this film these are the rules for “walking tall”:

When you observe some low level employee at a legitimate place of business doing something illegal do not alert the owner or call the police. Instead, punch the employee in the face and cause thousands of dollars in property damage.
If you ever hear any rumors of illegal activity at a legitimate place of business, particularly from witnesses like children, do not alert the owner or call the police. Instead, grab a giant stick, hit as many employees as you can in the face with it, and cause thousands of dollars in property damage.
If you don’t like a legitimate place of business because it’s bad, find out if the owner is doing anything illegal and don’t arrest him. Instead, engage in hand-to-hand combat and bloody him up real good so you can let him know that you now own the town.

So there you have it, in just three easy steps you too can walk tall. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Walking Tall (2004)? More like Shocking Fall, amirite?! Watch in amazement as the enormous Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson squeezes himself into a teeny tiny 75-minute movie. Let’s go!

You heard that right, the film is 75 minutes long. Don’t be deceived by IMDb, or Amazon, or the runtime of the film. The film comes to a very quick conclusion and then there are 10 minutes of credits. A full 10 minutes.
The most anxiety inducing part of the film wasn’t the gaudy casino, or the fights, or the exciting drug plotline. Oh no. It was wondering how The Rock’s poor family could afford to feed him without having jobs. Do you see him? He must eat like 5000 calories a day.
Neal McDonough is a national treasure. The best bad movie bad guy ever.
The film has a five minute montage of The Rock watching television and eating, and that is also just about how long they spend explaining (and concluding) the ultimate drug plotline of the film. When they were like “we need to find the bad guy’s drug cook site” I was sitting there wondering why they thought he must be producing the drugs himself … surely the head security officer at the casino could handle a small-time drug operation servicing a rural Washington community by himself. Apparently they needed McDonough’s Big Bad Bad Guy Brain to crack the code on getting people addicted to meth.
Knoxville was fun though. Much like the original used Obra as a method for Buford to break down the moonshine businesses (which used poor black men as cheap labor), they used Knoxville as a tweaker who knew the ins and outs of the meth business.
Borderline Planchet (Who?) for Knoxville who does his best to get beat up real good throughout the film. Product Placement (What?) for Miller Genuine Draft which The Rock drinks up at every opportunity. Great Setting as a Character (Where?) for Washington state. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate obvious conclusion that the drug cook site was the closed down mill. Solid BMT film.

I did watch the original film and really liked it. I get the concern about the glorification of revenge storylines which a lot of the bad reviews mentioned, and the ending is more than a bit wonky, but the film is a pretty fun early 70s actioner. I don’t think we need any other remakes or television series or sequels to this film, there are more than enough already.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Yours, Mine & Ours (2005) Recap

Jamie

Yours, Mine & Ours is of course the classic buddy cop comedy film about Detective Frank Yours, a hardscrabble cop from the wrong side of the tracks. He doesn’t play by nobody’s rules and is all about cracking skulls. Detective Benson Mine is his worst nightmare. The preppy nogoodnick son of the mayor, he’s always got a wisecrack for the brass and a wink for the ladies. Ooooooh boy, and wouldn’t you know it they’ve been paired up to solve a series of mysterious serial murders. And oh ho, what’s this? They have to do all this all while taking care of Baby Dudley Ours, the only survivor of the latest grisly murder who may hold the key to the whole thing…. Alright, fine, that’s not what the film is about. Let me break it down for you:

Alright I gotta give it to you, the original film was quite charming in kinda of a quaint, plotless kind of way and in fact the first thirty minutes of the new one was also kinda charming. Was it super weird that Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo reconnect in their hometown of New London, CT and then after seeing each other at their high school reunion get married? And I don’t mean, hey we should get married sometime, let’s plan a wedding. I mean they apparently come home from the reunion married and their kids are understandably like ‘WTF, mate?’ Yes it was very weird and confusing. Still, it was kinda nice that a couple of older people who lost their spouses could find a future together.

That’s where it ends for me. I can’t stand these types of unpleasant films where people are pitted against each other for the “amusement” of the audience. What’s worse is that the kids all gang up on poor mismatched Russo and Quaid and make them hate each other. Are they perfect for each other? Hell no. In fact the kids seem to be the only adults in the room that realize that they make no sense together and that maybe their rush to the altar was a bit misguided. Does that mean I’ll find the dissolution of their marriage a barrel of laughs? Nope. They may not make logical sense with each other, but do you know what does make sense? A couple of silver fox/cougar hotties enjoying each others’ company… you know, sexually. So get with the program, kids.

So, I think we can all agree that this was a torture chamber of horrors that should never have been made. Too harsh? Well, fine, that they took a perfectly fine original film and turned it into a generic comedy complete with free-spirits pitted against conservatives. Much like The Break-Up before it they seem to find all their humor in people fighting. It had only one redeeming thing about it: a scene where one of the kids, fresh off successfully breaking up their parents, asks if his siblings would enjoy some delicious double stuf oreos. I didn’t laugh much, but I laughed at that. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Yours, Mine & Ours (2005)? More like Poor Idle Hours … uh, amirite? I don’t think I am actually, that is gibberish. Back in 2005 some film executive asked their assistant to watch the original Yours, Mine and Ours and tell him about it. That assistant called it a “really pleasant story about two compatible people who fall in love and have a big family.” And the executive, crestfallen, looked up and said “Well, I suppose we’ll just have to make them an odd couple and have everyone hate each other.” Let’s go!

A remake of a very pleasant film is made decidedly unpleasant. The story of film production in the 00s.
Whole story elements make no sense. They impulsively get married on a whim without telling anyone? Even weirder Frank knows he’s probably going to be moving to Washington D.C. and doesn’t seem to remember that for half the film? And weirder still he ends up getting the promotion after being at the Coast Guard academy for only a few months? None of this adds up!
Hawk Nelson is the band at the party that Drake Bell is pretending to be a guitarist for, in case anyone is curious.
You can tell this was a much longer film that was then cut to about 80 minutes to form a vaguely coherent story. Jerry O’Connell and David Koechner play major roles in the first third of the film and then disappear to only appear for a split second riiiiiight at the end of the film.
Brought to you by sailing. Amazing how quickly Frank gets his sailing boat from San Diego to Connecticut … unless there is supposed to be more time passing. Impossible to tell. Mark of good storytelling.
Unbelievable Product Placement (What?) for the aforementioned Oreos. Pretty nice Setting as a Character (Where?) for New London, Connecticut. And Worst Twist (How?) for Chekov’s Lighthouse Story paying off in the end. Definitely a Bad unpleasant no-good film.
Can you tell I didn’t like this film? Amazingly the original is pretty good, if a bit old fashioned. There isn’t really much drama (beyond a decision as to whether they will adopt each other’s kids), but there is a lot of story and heart and the two leads seem to work well together. I liked it.

This needs a remake to the remake. Although, I suppose it would make more sense as a series. There are 18 kids plus two adults, but the stories can come in pairs. So 1 episode for the adults getting together. Then 9 episodes, each telling a story about how two of the kids get along / compete / interact. That’s it. Ten episode seasons, and you can mix and match the 20 people as you wish, but every season it tells 10 vignettes about this big family and them working together and learning and loving, etc. Nailed it.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers Recap

Jamie

Oooooooo, baby. Now we’re starting to cook with fire. Remember when Michael was shot with a machine gun, fell down a well, and was blown up by dynamite? Forget all that. Instead you’ll be treated to a real funny scene where they show him crawling away just before the dynamite goes off so that he can float down river and find his way to a homeless man who, no joke, takes care of him for an entire year! An entire year where Michael is apparently comatose! Who the hell is this dude who lives down by the Haddonfield River (I assume) taking care of random people in comas?! Give me his origin story. This is the level of film we are dealing with here. Not only do they feel the need to show and tell the audience exactly how Michael could have survived the end of the last movie, but they do it like they are aliens that have never encountered human beings and/or normal film narrative. Following Michael’s return for revenge we obviously also get the return (and revenge?) of Loomis and he’s actually disturbingly insane at this point. The rest of the film is psychic connections, The Cult of Thorn, and The Man in Black and at this point I’m sure you’re totally confused. Actually watching the film doesn’t help much. The film is just 90% teeny-boppers getting murdered while dressed up sexy for Halloween and 10% unexplained supernatural nonsense. We end with a cliffhanger where Michael and Jamie are captured from jail by The Man in Black and it really feels like the people making the film were just saying “We dare you. We dare you to try to explain away this shit.” And they were right. The next entry is forced to lean into the real dumb stuff done in this one.

Really the film is building an incredible amount of lore in the most confusing and vague way possible. I appreciate it in the sense that I love dumb lore. I love franchises where a random person can come in and be like “I’m putting my stamp on this,” and no matter how stupid everything is, fans of the franchise have to try to explain all of it. And to think, for six years fans had to try to explain this movie with only the vague hints from this one as guidance. Would love to see what kind of theories came about in that time. The funniest part of all this is that I legit think this might be the second scariest of the films in the first six entries. There are a lot of creepy scenes with Michael skulking about a house without people knowing. He’ll creep silently out of a closet and disappear only to jump out for the kill later. Then they totally submarine it all with the lore. They can’t help it. Gotta make your mark on the series. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers? More like Even More Contrived: The Film’s Plot is Still Dire … yeah turns out there isn’t much to rhyme with these titles. Loomis is back, jack! And he’s ready to disappear for 30-40 minutes until he saves the day juuuuuuuuust at the end of the film. Let’s go!

Yeah, well this one is totally better than the other ones because in those Loomis disappeared for about 30 minutes showing up moments before Michael kills the hero. In this one he does that twice! Take that, all the other Halloween films!
Man a mysterious Man in Black? A mysterious Thorn symbol on Michael’s wrist? Can’t wait to learn what that is all about … Oh wait, you never do. Just whole elements left for a sequel which didn’t ultimately happen for six years. Imagine if they never made Halloween 6? Oh to live in such a beautiful world.
Full blown mystical psychic connections? Ahhhhh, finally, Halloween is catching up with what Friday the 13th was putting down for years in that bonkers series.
All that being said: the film at times is a decent cheesy slasher. I’m thinking of the barn scene. Which incidentally is also the scene which seemed most similar to Friday the 13th.
These two Halloween films are so weird. If the notes are to be believed there were half-decent scripts being developed, but then the directors just threw them in the trash in favor of gore and franchise horror tropes. And then all of the stuff from the other scripts ended up being peppered into the next five films.
Once again a solid Setting as a Character (Where?) for Haddonfield, IL. And an A+ Holiday Film (When?) for Halloween. This might actually be the Worst Twist (Why?) ever for the inexplicable non-twist of actually telling us anything about Thorn and the Man in Black!
This is a BMT film through and through, or at least required viewing for Halloween 6.

Once again, it feels like there isn’t a whole lot to say about Halloween 4 and 5. They are an odd turn in the franchise where Carpenter was half-pushed out of the production and people who seemingly didn’t care much for the established lore (or even really the fundamental idea of the franchise) took over. And it is why against all odds, it is the worst franchise of the big three … although I haven’t seen Resurrection. There is an outside shot that saves it to some degree since it looks truly b-b-b-b-b-b-bonkers.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs