Romance – Page 4 – Bad Movie Twins

View from the Top Recap

Jamie

View from the Top is part of a specific group of BMT films that I think needs a bit of discussion. This is one of six films that qualify for BMT that were delayed because of the September 11th attacks. It was the longest delayed (for almost two years) and only the second we have watched for BMT (the other is Bad Company). So we only have four more left. These are Collateral Damage, Windtalkers, Deuces Wild, and The Time Machine. Clearly not enough to make a cycle on its own, but it’s possible you could cobble together a cycle from films that were affected by September 11th in some way (like Mr. Deeds)… but let’s just say we could do that rather than we will do that. Cycles are supposed to be fun. This imaginary cycle? Not fun.

To recap, Gwenyth Paltrow just wants to get out of her dead end Nevada town. So when she sees an interview with a flight attendant turned author, she decides it’s time to fly. Starting at a small airline she learns the ropes and soon finds that she’s pretty darn good at it. She makes a couple friends and meets a cute guy, but sky’s the limit for her and soon she’s off to try out for the big time at Royalty Airlines. She ends up as the star pupil of training, but is shocked when her test scores land her on the commuter Cleveland route, while her ditzy and ethically challenged friend, Christine, gets the Paris route. She asks for a retest, but is denied. But everything turns out OK when she is not only great at her job, but she reconnects with the cute guy, Mark Ruffalo. After a chance meeting with Christine reveals her complete lack of knowledge of what was on their test, Paltrow again asks to look at the test and finds that Christine swapped their sheets. Royalty busts Christine and Paltrow takes her rightful place on the Paris route. She has everything she ever wanted, right? Wrong. Cause she had to leave Ruffalo behind. One lonely Christmas she finally realizes that life isn’t about the Paris route, but about being happy and runs to Raffalo. We see later that she becomes a pilot in Cleveland. THE END.

If that whole recap seemed unusually earnest and lacking in the typical jokes, that’s because the film itself is unusually earnest and lacking in the typical jokes. I actually found myself liking this film a lot. It’s very sweet. Paltrow’s character looks around at her circumstances and says “No,” and works hard to see the world, find her place in it, and be happy. This all rings true to me and I enjoy seeing Paltrow’s character succeed. It makes me happy. There are two major problems that the film has to battle. One is that the director didn’t seem interested in the story they were telling, or perhaps didn’t know what he was doing with a film of this scope. It’s hard to say, but there seemed to be some trouble in stitching the film together in the editing room. There are so many cliche rom com musical cues that it starts to feel like an inside joke. Like he was like “whatever, here’s a pile of footage, just make your dumb American rom com with it, I don’t care.” The second hurdle is a Robin Williams-esque performance by Mike Myers. He’s incredibly distracting and, given when the film was made, portends his imminent fall from superstar status. I’m sure the set was a ball to be on with all his gags and jokes, and he certainly is the only one trying to make the film a comedy, but boy… I much preferred the sweetness of the rest of the film to whatever he was up to. Still, I kinda like this one.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Do I smell a long con? Paltrow’s character definitely knows that Christine is not fit for the flight attendant life. She is the worst in the class and a kleptomaniac and sitting right in front of her for the test. She knew what she did. She knew it and did it on purpose. Why? Cause she had to get to Cleveland to land Ruffalo. It’s all a ruse, guys, she just wants that sweet Ruffalo action and then when she’s landed the fish she busts Christine (knowing that she would leave her telltale hearts punctuated “i’s” on the test). Off the Paris she goes to establish her cred before heading back to Cleveland to get her Ruffalo Buffalo (as she calls him). It’s a classic double long con. Can’t believe you all didn’t get that. Hot Take Temperature: Betty White.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about a much delayed romantic comedy about flight attendants completely co-opted by a cross-eyed Mike Meyers? Let’s go!

Just to get this out of the way: this movie is pretty charming, and I don’t quite get all the hubbub about it. Like, the chief complaint is that it is aggressively capitalistic? I didn’t really read that. And fine, it was advertised as a silly comedy starring Mike Meyers, but in reality he’s the worst part of the film, and the film is never funny. At best its characters end up in amusing circumstances and are themselves somewhat amusing.

Yeah, if you ever need an example of a person who’s “in another film”, Mike Meyers in View from the Top is the prime example. He sweeps in, chews scenery, does his Mike Meyers thing, all in the middle of basically You’ve Got Mail. An amusing romance film … with a cross-eyed Mike Meyers stuck to the middle of it. For a while you forget the movie is a romcom when he’s around. It is weird.

The film is basically split into four parts with unfunny montages between them. (1) Starts with a montage of Donna growing up. (2) Poor Donna living in Nevada who then gets a job as a flight attendant. (3) Montage of her getting better at it and getting a mentee. (4) Royalty Airline training school intro. (5) Getting better at that montage. (6) Cleveland and meeting up with Ted again, getting the Paris gig. (7) Paris montage and getting sad. (8) Conclusion.

You know … that classic four act structure. If there is a chief complaint from me, it is that they could have cut out all the Paris stuff. She could have just aced the test and then realized that Cleveland is pretty awesome, and she just wanted everyone to know she aced the test, that she didn’t really care about Paris and that junk now. Now you have a tight three act script.

By far the most exciting part of the film is when they reveal that with her hectic schedule and Ted going to law school / having a job to pay for that, that Donna watches TNT constantly and is watching Ghost starring the Swayz on TNT during the movie. Unfortunately, I don’t (yet) have the data for 2000 which is very much the most likely year this film takes place in, but Ghost didn’t play on TNT in 1999 according to my data, BUT … it did play on its sister channel TBS which means it could plausibly play on TNT in 2000. Time will tell.

Despite the often anachronistic costumes you can at least pinpoint the film to definitely taking plays sometime a year or two after Ghost came out, and prior to 9/11, so in that 1993-2001 range for sure, but most likely 2000.

I mean, that is an awesome Product Placement (What?) for the excellent cinematic showings on offer every day on TNT. The film is a bit of a road trip film, but let’s go Setting as a Character (Where?) for America’s Waiting Room of Cleveland, Ohio. It’s been a minute since we saw a Secret Holiday Film (When?), but the revelation that Donna loves Ted (and Cleveland) comes to her on a very lonely Christmas, and an ugly Christmas sweater plays a big part in the film. And a definitely Worst Twist (How?) for the hugely telegraphed reveal that Christine, Donna’s ex-best friend, swapped her tests causing her to be sentenced to a lifetime of hard labor in Cleveland (ugh!). And dare I say it … this film is closest to Good, I genuinely choked up at the end at her desperately wishing she for her to choose love over her career.

Read about the thriller sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

View from the Top Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I’m just a country girl from Nevada and I want to just get out of here. One problem, I bopped my head on my first trip on an airplane and now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in View from the Top?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Why did Paltrow decide on becoming a flight attendant?

2) Meetcute alert! Ruffalo is lake patrol. And how do they meet exactly?

3) When Paltrow gets into the Royalty Training School she gets to meet Bergen. What does Bergen see in her that makes her believe Paltrow can make it?

4) Aw but she failed the test and now has to live in Cleveland. But how? How did she fail the test?

5) Finally, she’s made it to Paris International! She did it! Well … but now she’s sad. Everything kind of just works out from here on … but most importantly what movie was Paltrow watching on TNT in the middle of the movie?

Bonus Question: Welp she’s a pilot now. That’s fun. While flying though, she gets a call. Who is it?

Answers

View from the Top Preview

“Glimmer Man, reveal yourself!” Patrick yells, trying to imbue his voice with a sense of confidence. But it’s all false bravado. They had to wonder, were their twin chops as potent without BMT? They jump as they suddenly hear a clatter from above. “He must be heading for the roof,” Jamie murmurs. Patrick smirks. “Guess this guy doesn’t know us very well.” Five minutes and half a jar of margarine later and Jamie and Patrick are slip-sliding their way through the steam pipes of the arena. It’s classic Bad Movie Twins, their abs creating sweet rhythms on every bump and seam in the pipe like a robot walking along a cobblestone street. Using their knowledge of advanced physics they shoot their way to the roof of the arena and burst out of the pipe right in front of their watcher. They go in for a devastating Twin Chop but pause mere inches from the man’s jugular. Their mouths drop open in surprise. “Kyle?!” they exclaim and Kyle smiles. “Classic Bad Movie Twins,” he says, taking one look at their margarine greased abs. Jamie and Patrick are speechless and Kyle becomes serious. “I’m sorry I had to play this game of cat and mouse with you, but I had to get you away from the Dudikoff’s. They aren’t who you think they are,” Kyle says. Jamie and Patrick begin to protest, but Kyle instead pulls them in for a hug. “Listen to me. I’m also not who you think I am… I’m here to show you your future.” Suddenly Jamie and Patrick realize why it was so hard to catch Kyle. “You’re a ghost?” They ask and he nods. “Now take my hand, and look to the horizon,” Kyle says, and with that they jump from the roof of the arena. That’s right! We are taking in a view from the top by watching, you guessed it, View from the Top. It’s always surprised me just how bad the reviews for this film were, so let’s see if it lives up to its BMT billing. Let’s go!

View from the Top (2003) – BMeTric: 51.7; Notability: 53

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 9.6%; Notability: top 10.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 10.6%; Higher BMeT: The Room, Gigli, House of the Dead, The Cat in the Hat, Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, From Justin to Kelly, Kangaroo Jack, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde, My Boss’s Daughter, Darkness Falls, The Foreigner, Biker Boyz, The Haunted Mansion, Agent Cody Banks, Cold Creek Manor, The Medallion, Marci X, Honey, Hollywood Homicide, The Order, and 4 more; Higher Notability: The Matrix Revolutions, Bad Boys II, Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, Scary Movie 3, Brother Bear, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, The Haunted Mansion, Timeline, The Cat in the Hat, Gods and Generals, Hollywood Homicide, Tears of the Sun, The Core, Paycheck, Cradle 2 the Grave, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life, Duplex, Agent Cody Banks, Wonderland, Beyond Borders, and 7 more; Lower RT: Dorm Daze, The Foreigner, Hangman’s Curse, Gold Diggers, House of the Dead, Gigli, Kangaroo Jack, From Justin to Kelly, Grind, My Boss’s Daughter, Gods and Generals, Marci X, Darkness Falls, The Cat in the Hat, The Order, Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, A Man Apart, Alex & Emma, National Security, Cold Creek Manor, and 5 more; Notes: I’m pretty stunned at the number of high BMeT films from 2003 we haven’t seen (officially) for BMT. I guess there thing is I’ve seen Dumb and Dumberer and Darkness Falls on my own. Still though, a bunch I haven’t seen. Very impressive 50-50 BMeT + Notability. The 100 club.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – The movie, directed by Bruno Barreto and written by Eric Wald, is surprising for what it doesn’t contain: No scenes involving mile-high clubs, lecherous businessmen or randy pilots, but the sincere story of a woman who finds her career is almost but not quite enough. Adult audiences may be underwhelmed. Not younger teenage girls, who will be completely fascinated.

(Awwwww, I do love sentimental Roger. He is probably at least somewhat right, but it is stunning when he comes off the top rope with “this movie isn’t for all of you” to his fellow critics. I checked and Leonard gave it a 2 specifically calling out Meyers for seemingly coming from a different film.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elF04ebuXHI/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elF04ebuXHI/

(Ha I remember this trailer. I find it crazy how prominent they make Meyers in a film which, in reality, is not that much of a comedy. But I imagine they realized they had to capitalize on him being one of the biggest comedic stars at the time.)

Directors – Bruno Barreto – ( Known For: Gabriela; Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands; Reaching for the Moon; Carried Away; Four Days in September; Última Parada 174; A Show of Force; One Tough Cop; Bossa Nova; Happily Ever After; Romeo & Juliet …Get Married; Tati; The Story of Fausta; BMT: View from the Top; Notes: He seems to have mostly done Brazilian (adjacent at least) films, then this, and then went back to Brazilian films maybe. Was the second husband of Steven Spielberg’s first wife.)

Writers – Eric Wald – ( BMT: View from the Top; Notes: Wrote this script in a class at film school. He created and wrote a television series called Sirens which seemingly ran for multiple seasons.)

Actors – Gwyneth Paltrow – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Se7en; Avengers: Infinity War; Iron Man; Spider-Man: Homecoming; The Avengers; The Royal Tenenbaums; Iron Man Three; Iron Man 2; The Talented Mr. Ripley; Shakespeare in Love; Contagion; Shallow Hal; Austin Powers in Goldmember; Sliding Doors; Emma; A Perfect Murder; Hard Eight; Malice; Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow; Future BMT: Hook; Great Expectations; Moonlight and Valentino; Country Strong; Hush; Shout; BMT: View from the Top; Mortdecai; Notes: Possibly even more famous for Goop than being an actress at this point. She seems a little like a kook if I’m being honest, but to each their own. Won an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love.)

Christina Applegate – ( Known For: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy; Mars Attacks!; Bad Moms; The Book of Life; Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues; The Rocker; Going the Distance; Wonderland; Nowhere; The Big Hit; Employee of the Month; Crash Pad; Streets; Grand Theft Parsons; Sol Goode; Youth in Oregon; Farce of the Penguins; Jaws of Satan; Out in Fifty; Claudine’s Return; Future BMT: Vacation; Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead; Hall Pass; Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel; Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked; A Bad Moms Christmas; Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip; Mafia!; Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore; Just Visiting; Surviving Christmas; BMT: The Sweetest Thing; View from the Top; Wild Bill; Notes: She’s had a fun career. Nominated 8 times for Emmys (won once for a guest spot on Friends). She was launched to television stardom for Married with Children (over 250 episodes), and is still a huge television star.)

Kelly Preston – ( Known For: Jerry Maguire; From Dusk Till Dawn; Sky High; Twins; Gotti; Christine; SpaceCamp; Mischief; For Love of the Game; Amazon Women on the Moon; 10 to Midnight; Waiting to Exhale; Citizen Ruth; 52 Pick-Up; Addicted to Love; Off the Rails; Spellbinder; The Experts; Eulogy; Daddy and Them; Future BMT: What a Girl Wants; Death Sentence; From Paris with Love; The Last Song; Nothing to Lose; Secret Admirer; Jack Frost; Holy Man; Run; BMT: The Cat in the Hat; Battlefield Earth; View from the Top; Old Dogs; Notes: She was married to John Travolta for years and years and sadly died from cancer a few years ago.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $15,614,000 (Worldwide: $19,526,014)

(Yeah that’s rough. I remember when this came out and it was a huge bomb.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 14% (17/125): Uneven in tone and badly edited, A View From the Top wastes the talents of its cast and condescends to its characters.

(Badly edited. Boy howdy, I need to see this now! That seems like a rare consensus critique to come out of RT.)

NY Times Short Review: The satire is toothless, the romance … tepid, the portrait of stewardesses is dumb, jiggly babes anachronistic. Mike Myers has a small, unfunny role as a flight-attendant trainer with a crossed eye.

Poster – View from the Sklog

(I like the colors and I like the font. Don’t like much else about it. It also tells you almost nothing about the film… like why would anyone want to see this? The whole aesthetic is odd, as well. For so long I thought this was a period piece, presumably because of this poster. I also thought Ewan McGregor was in it… presumably because this aesthetic reminded me of Down with Love. C+)

Tagline(s) – Don’t stop till you reach the top. (B)

(How about… once you top the fun don’t stop? No? Well this is OK, I guess. Reminds me of a song, which is nice and it’s nice and short. It actually does kind of tell you what the film is about: corporate ladder climbing. OK.)

Keyword(s) – canada

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Ouija (2014), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), … (and many more)

Best Options (Romance): 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 53.3 Abandon (2002), 53.2 Aloha (2015), 52.1 Loser (2000), 51.7 View from the Top (2003), 49.4 Monster-in-Law (2005), 49.4 The Perfect Man (2005), 48.1 Surviving Christmas (2004), 47.7 Sleepover (2004), 47.0 On the Line (2001), 46.7 You, Me and Dupree (2006), 46.5 40 Days and 40 Nights (2002), 46.3 Slackers (2002), 45.1 The Ex (2006), 45.0 Home Fries (1998), 43.3 John Tucker Must Die (2006), 42.2 Autumn in New York (2000), 42.0 You Again (2010), 40.4 Intersection (1994), 40.3 Admission (2013), 40.3 Soul Man (1986), 40.2 Bubble Boy (2001), … (and many more)

(Yeah finally we actually got one that starred a bone fide born-in-Canada Canadian! This is night and high up on the list, and we had to pick out a Meyers to go somewhere.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Gwyneth Paltrow is No. 1 billed in View from the Top and No. 2 billed in Mortdecai, which also stars Paul Bettany (No. 4 billed) who is in Firewall (No. 2 billed) which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (4 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 16. If we were to watch Moonlight and Valentino, Must Love Dogs, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – The segment where the trainee flight attendants at Royalty Airways are undergoing training by John Witney (Mike Myers) included a lesson on how to deal with terrorists. The scene was cut from the film, and was not included on the DVD release as a deleted scene.

In 2019, British actor/writer/director Richard Ayoade found “View from the Top” so appallingly awful in every way that he wrote a book dedicated to the film, “Ayoade on Top.” He stated that he wanted to analyze the film as if it were Citizen Kane (1941).

This film wrapped filming in 2001, and was originally scheduled for a Christmas 2001 release, then after initial tests, an April 2002 release. However, after the terrorist attacks on the U.S. of September 11, 2001, the studio felt it was not appropriate to release a comedy which made light of airline flight crews. After another year in the can, and another round of edits which cut out cameo appearances by Robert Stack and Regis Philbin, the film was finally released in summer 2003. It promptly flopped and disappeared.

The character of John Whitney, played by Mike Myers, was cross-eyed. His office features photos of prominent real life figures with eye afflictions: Sammy Davis Jr. (who lost left eye in a car accident), Marty Feldman (had Graves’ ophthalmopathy, causing his eyes to protrude and become misaligned), and Peter Falk (His right eye was surgically removed when he was three because of a retinoblastoma, he wore an artificial eye for most of his life)

In an interview Gwyneth Paltrow admitted that she thought this was a terrible movie. This interview can be seen as a bonus feature on the DVD release of Thanks for Sharing (2012).

The Wedding Planner Recap

Jamie

I do enjoy going back and looking at The New York Times from the day when one of our BMT films was released. The Wedding Planner is a fun one because it’s January 26, 2001 and so there is a whole mess of Ravens-Giants Super Bowl content. But I wasn’t there for the Dilfer-Collins mildly entertaining milk advertisements:

I was there for The Wedding Planner and… meh. Just pretty much the poster and a couple choice quotes about how JLo has “it.” So per usual I went straight to the TV listings to see if any of the descriptions there were appropriate for the title at hand. Was The Wedding Planner “junk” like Night Shift? Was it “ornate and ridiculous” like Steel Dawn? A “crude morality play” like Any Given Sunday or “grindingly predictable” like The Crush? No, none of these. But the Jeff Fahey film Virtual Seduction probably gets the closest with “Trouble when man recalls fiance.” That about sums it up.

To recap, JLo is working hard (not hardly working) at planning the biggest and bestest weddings in San Fran. Working so hard, in fact, that she has no time for her own love life. That is until she’s saved by Matthew McConaughey, a handsome pediatrician who seems like a perfect catch. Just one problem: he’s engaged. Make that two problems: he’s engaged to her new client. So now she can’t lose the account or she loses her chance at a big promotion. Egad! What a series of unfortunate coincidences! Everywhere she looks McConaughey is being lame in a handsome kind of way. It also doesn’t help that at the same time her father set her up with Massimo, an Italian stereotype played by Justin Chambers in a horror show of a performance. Both McConaughey and his fiance have second thoughts, but JLo is too much of a pro to do anything but help them get to the altar. Even after McConaughey expresses his feelings for her, she’s like ‘no, I don’t even like you,’ and throws pebbles at him till he runs back to his fiance. Forlorn, she decides to marry the offensive, but also kind of sweet Massimo. On the day of the wedding, JLo forgoes the festivities to marry Massimo at Town Hall. McConaughey ends up calling off the wedding and is happy to find that JLo also decided at the last minute to stop her own wedding. They reunite and smooch for hours. THE END.

This is a tough one. On the one hand JLo is a shining beacon. So beautiful. So talented. She’s a catch. A perfect 10. I also found the film to be oddly well directed given that it was a first time director that went on to a less than illustrious career. But he seemed to have a clear idea of what he wanted to do with this and I thought he did it pretty well. On the other hand McConaughy appears to think he’s being charming in an aloof kind of way, but it comes across as smarmy and unpleasant. He’s a handsome guy who has a personality of a 2. Red flags on top of red flags. At this point the whole film would be a bit of a wash… maybe a slight positive even. But throw in Justin Chambers and, boy howdy. I like Grey’s Anatomy, so he will always be Karev to me. And thank goodness, because I’m sure he doesn’t want to be Massimo forever. Horrible. Just horrible.

Hot Take Clam Bake! The whole thing is a dream that happens after JLo is squashed by the dumpster. The last person she sees is handsome, lame McConaughey. In the last firing of her synapses we get The Wedding Planner. McConaughey is in reality a real estate agent who dabbles in day trading. He ultimately can’t reach her in time, but in a positive twist to the otherwise horrific tragedy this ends up helping him realize that his day trading is more of a hobby. He decides then and there to focus more on his real estate career, which is going OK since people seem to like him when he talks softly and smiles a bunch. Years later his wife, who he met at a local real estate convention, would catch him staring sadly at a dumpster and ask “you OK, babe?” and he would just say “yeah” softly and smile. Hot Take Temperature: Chilly, like the fog rolling off Frisco Bay.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! The Wedding Planner? Well this forecast calls for rain! Let’s go!

I just have to say this off the bat. And to be clear, I am a happily married man, wouldn’t trade any of this for the world but … was turn of the century Jennifer Lopez the most beautiful woman ever? It is mind boggling. Literally, completely perplexing that she existed. Is it because of the built up Jenny From the Block persona? Were we all tricked into thinking she was just a girl-next-door and not a devastatingly beautiful and completely unattainable woman? This is the second movie where it is almost distracting how beautiful she is (the other being Money Train).

I’m sorry but I just have to make this 100% clear. While watching this film Jennifer Lopez is so attractive I looked at Matthew McConaughey and thought “Yeah, she’s out of your league bud”. I looked at him and went “unattractive, hard pass” because my mind was tricked by what an attractive human being was. He’s also a genuine garbage man, so what does literally-so-attractive-J-Lo-that-she’s-an-11 see in him again? Awww he works with kids … for one second, and then he pretty much immediately turns around and starts to think about cheating on his fiancee. Trash man!

Just one last thing though, like … J-Lo is so hard working that she can’t find a date. Once again, movie, you are incorrect. The many billionaires of the Pacific Northwest would have left their fiancees during the wedding once they glimpsed J-Lo (their wedding planner) in real life. Their fiancees would have taken one look at her and said “no thank you, you aren’t getting within 100 miles of my wedding.” Mrs. Sampras, are you dumb?

I guess wait … do I have a hot take? Hot Take! Mrs. Sampras knew exactly what she was doing because Mrs. Sampras, either unconsciously or consciously, wanted to sabotage her own wedding! She’d been hunting around for the perfect wedge to drive between herself and McConaughey and finally found it in this siren, J-Lo.

Oh … I spent the whole time talking about how J-Lo is too attractive to be in romantic comedies since there is no one that can actually be viewed as equivalently attractive while standing next to her. The movie is pretty fun, for a romantic comedy, even if the wedding at the core is very messy and muddled and they never quite make it clear that the two people like each other at all.

I suppose one bone I’ll throw to them is that they did somewhat successfully save Sampras from Baxter-ization by having her break it off with McConaughey instead.

And that bone is taken away by Justin Chambers as Massimo, an Italian caricature who doesn’t belong in any movie, let alone this one.

Definite amazing Product Placement (What?) for M&Ms which play a prominent role in the courtship between J-Lo and McConaughey. Setting as a Character (Where?) for the somewhat inexplicable setting of San Francisco when L.A. would have made much much much more sense. And obvious Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate get-together at the outdoor film screening at the art museum. Closest to Good I think, although I would hear arguments otherwise.

Read about the long awaited sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Wedding Planner Quiz

Oh jeez. There I was in the street when my high heel got stuck in a grate (natch). And lo and behold a dumpster is coming towards me, I sure do hope a handsome lad can save me … nope, I just got completely owned by that dumpster. And now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in The Wedding Planner?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the beginning of the film we are introduced to our hero J-Lo. She is a wedding planner (shocking) and she needs to get her social life in order. Don’t worry, her elderly father is on the case. Who does he try and hook her up with and how does she know him?

2) What is Matthew McConaughey’s job?

3) At one point McConaughey explained how he met his fiancee. How?

4) In the end McConaughey obviously chooses J-Lo. Where does he go to meet her?

5) Why does McConaughey only eat the brown M&Ms?

Bonus Question: We got to plan J-Lo and McConaughey’s wedding. Where is it?

Answers

The Wedding Planner Preview

Jamie and Patrick sit in their cell. Having kicked Kevin James’ head clean off it’s not a surprise they were arrested, but they are still in a bit of shock. “Looks like you’ll be going to jail for a looong time. Hoooo weeeee,” the jailor at the Smith County Jail whistles in delight, “You kicked his head clean off. Boy oh boy, what I wouldn’t give to see that again.” Just as he begins to reminisce he hears a call from the other room. Turns out there was extensive footage from the event taken from cell phone cameras and security footage. It’s already been edited into a 30 minute short film available online and is an early front runner for Best Documentary Short. He rushes into the other room to relive the greatest moment of his life. Jamie and Patrick sigh. Just then the Smith County judge walks in. “Bad Movie Twins,” he scowls, “you kicked a man’s head clean off and I think you know that you deserve to be in jail for a looong time.” Everyone in the room nods. “In fact, if I had it my way,” he continues, “you’d get the ‘lectric chair.” Again, everyone kind of agrees. Kevin James was a national treasure. “But,” he unexpectedly continues, “there is a little known precedent set in fair use law that states that while parody is protected under the first amendment, kicking the head clean off of the person doing the parody is, in itself, a parody… and so it is protected under the law.” With that he frees Jamie and Patrick, much to the delight of the crowd. A female police officer rushes up to Jamie. “Marry me!” she screams and Jamie shrugs. Sure, why not? A celebrity wedding appears to be what the people want. That’s right! We are watching the JLo classic, The Wedding Planner. Who can even remember anyone else in it. JLo! Let’s go!

The Wedding Planner (2001) – BMeTric: 57.2; Notability: 47

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 6.0%; Notability: top 13.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 14.3%; Higher BMeT: Glitter, Jason X, Freddy Got Fingered, Driven, The Animal, Ghosts of Mars, Black Knight, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Soul Survivors, Valentine, Monkeybone, The Musketeer, Corky Romano, Scary Movie 2, The Wedding Planner; Higher Notability: Pearl Harbor, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Monkeybone, Hannibal, Impostor, Not Another Teen Movie, Ghosts of Mars, Bubble Boy, Scary Movie 2, Swordfish, 15 Minutes, The One, The Affair of the Necklace, Town & Country, I Am Sam, America’s Sweethearts, Along Came a Spider, 3000 Miles to Graceland, Don’t Say a Word, Texas Rangers, and 13 more; Lower RT: Texas Rangers, Soul Survivors, Glitter, All the Queen’s Men, Corky Romano, The Forsaken, Summer Catch, The Wash, Out Cold, Say It Isn’t So, Joe Dirt, Megiddo: The Omega Code 2, What’s the Worst That Could Happen?, Head Over Heels, Freddy Got Fingered, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Perfume, The Musketeer, Valentine, Double Take, and 14 more; Notes: Aw hell yeah, it isn’t every day we can hit up a high profile early 2000s bad movie classic. And guess what? The Animal? It’s on the docket. Although that one I’ve seen … like 4 times. I saw it in theaters.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – Jennifer Lopez looks soulfully into the eyes of Matthew McConaughey, but is he looking back? One of the many problems of “The Wedding Planner” is that we can’t tell and don’t much care. When a plot depends on two people falling in love when they absolutely should not, we have to be able to believe at some level that they have been swept up by a destiny beyond their control. McConaughey seems less inflamed by his sudden new romance than resigned to it.

(Hahahahahaha, hell yeah. That sounds hilarious. Like, a romcom where everyone kind of sucks?)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__PN6Hx1sQA/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__PN6Hx1sQA/

(They do a good job making them not seem like horrible people in a way. But man … J-Lo is distracting. Don’t worry, I get very deep into it in the recap. Some people would argue too deep. Way too deep.)

Directors – Adam Shankman – ( Known For: Hairspray; Disenchanted; Rock of Ages; What Men Want; Future BMT: Bedtime Stories; BMT: A Walk to Remember; The Pacifier; The Wedding Planner; Cheaper by the Dozen 2; Bringing Down the House; Notes: He was nominated for two Emmys, both for organizing the 2010 Academy Awards ceremony.)

Writers – Pamela Falk – ( Known For: An Invisible Sign; BMT: The Wedding Planner; Notes: Those are her only credits, and there isn’t any other info on her online.)

Michael Ellis – ( BMT: The Wedding Planner; Notes: The only other thing in either of their profiles is an untitled Falk/Ellis project, so I assume there are writing partners in some capacity.)

Actors – Jennifer Lopez – ( Known For: The Mother; Shotgun Wedding; Hustlers; The Cell; Marry Me; Home; Out of Sight; Parker; Selena; U Turn; Second Act; Jersey Girl; Antz; Shall We Dance; An Unfinished Life; My Family; Bordertown; Lila & Eve; Blood and Wine; El cantante; Future BMT: Enough; Maid in Manhattan; Monster-in-Law; Jack; Ice Age: Continental Drift; Ice Age: Collision Course; Angel Eyes; The Back-up Plan; Feel the Noise; BMT: The Boy Next Door; The Wedding Planner; Anaconda; Gigli; What to Expect When You’re Expecting; Money Train; Notes: Man we have a ton to go. Nominated for an Emmy for the Superbowl Halftime show. Originally I wanted to do this film because I was convinced it was the subject of one really old episode of a podcast I missed … turned out that was Maid in Manhattan.)

Matthew McConaughey – ( Known For: Interstellar; The Wolf of Wall Street; The Gentlemen; Dazed and Confused; Sing 2; A Time to Kill; Tropic Thunder; Contact; Sing; Magic Mike; Dallas Buyers Club; How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days; We Are Marshall; Mud; The Lincoln Lawyer; Frailty; Reign of Fire; White Boy Rick; Killer Joe; Amistad; Future BMT: Angels in the Outfield; The Dark Tower; Sahara; Two for the Money; Paparazzi; My Boyfriend’s Back; Larger Than Life; BMT: The Wedding Planner; Tiptoes; Fool’s Gold; Failure to Launch; Serenity; Ghosts of Girlfriends Past; Notes: Won an Oscar for Dallas Buyers Club. Famously from Houston. At one point he was rumored to be running for governor of Texas in 2022, but he didn’t.)

Bridgette Wilson-Sampras – ( Known For: Billy Madison; Higher Learning; Nixon; Shopgirl; Buying the Cow; The Real Blonde; The Suburbans; Unhook the Stars; Phantom Punch; Nevada; Starstruck; Future BMT: Last Action Hero; House on Haunted Hill; Beautiful; Just Visiting; Love Stinks; BMT: Mortal Kombat; I Know What You Did Last Summer; The Wedding Planner; Extreme Ops; Notes: As you can tell by her name she married Pete Sampras, best tennis player of all time (or so we thought in like 2004 …). They have two children, the first of which should be out of college, and appears to be a model.)

Budget/Gross – $35,000,000 / Domestic: $60,400,856 (Worldwide: $94,728,529)

(That’s kind of okay. Not anything spectacular at the time, but fine for a romantic comedy I would think.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 17% (18/106): Instead of being light and charming, this romantic comedy is heavy-handed and contrived in its execution. Also, it’s too unoriginal.

(I would think all romantic comedies are unoriginal in their own way. The most successful ones always seem to be remakes.)

Reviewer Highlight: Title character falls for handsome client. Star charisma almost makes it work.

Poster – xXx: The Wedding Xander

(Woof. And I mean, woof! That is everything bad in poster making. I usually refrain from saying this, because I’m an untalented fool. But… I could make a better poster for The Wedding Planner. F… I actually do think this is an F. It’s like a child made it.)

Tagline(s) – A romantic comedy about love, destiny and other events you just can’t plan for. (F)

(Is it done yet? Have they finished the tagline? Everything about that poster is a horror show.)

Keyword(s) – wisdom

Top 10: The Dark Knight (2008), Inception (2010), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Batman Begins (2005), Inglourious Basterds (2009), The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Future BMT: 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.0 Prom Night (2008), 83.6 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 82.2 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.6 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 78.8 Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (2011), 77.5 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (2009), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 72.3 Bewitched (2005), 71.4 The Animal (2001), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.5 Poltergeist (2015), 68.2 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.6 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.6 Halloween Ends (2022), 65.6 The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008), 65.3 Fat Albert (2004), 65.0 Scary Movie 4 (2006)

BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Last Airbender (2010), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Crossroads (2002), Norbit (2007), From Justin to Kelly (2003), The Master of Disguise (2002), Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000), Sex and the City 2 (2010), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), xXx: State of the Union (2005), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Taxi (2004), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Zoolander 2 (2016), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), The Boy Next Door (2015), Wild Wild West (1999), Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000), Year One (2009), Are We There Yet? (2005), Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), Marmaduke (2010), The Roommate (2011), Tammy (2014), Abduction (2011), Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous (2005), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), New York Minute (2004), Hot Pursuit (2015), Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009), Big Momma’s House (2000), An American Haunting (2005), Zookeeper (2011), The Sweetest Thing (2002), Truth or Dare (2018), Jupiter Ascending (2015), Grown Ups 2 (2013), License to Wed (2007), The Wedding Planner (2001), Tom & Jerry (2021), Point Break (2015), After (2019), Batman Forever (1995), Congo (1995), House of Wax (2005), Down to You (2000), Bride Wars (2009), The Ring Two (2005), Killers (2010), The Tuxedo (2002), I Love You, Beth Cooper (2009), The Hustle (2019), Vampire Academy (2014), Bulletproof Monk (2003), Baywatch (2017), … (and many more)

Best Options (Romance): 79.6 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000), 72.3 Bewitched (2005), 61.9 Obsessed (2009), 57.5 Maid in Manhattan (2002), 57.2 The Wedding Planner (2001), 55.3 The Back-up Plan (2010), 54.8 Honey (2003), 53.1 Aloha (2015), 52.6 Just My Luck (2006), 52.1 Loser (2000), 51.7 View from the Top (2003), 51.0 Little Fockers (2010), 49.9 Just Married (2003), 49.4 Monster-in-Law (2005), 48.1 Stomp the Yard (2007), 47.0 On the Line (2001), 46.7 You, Me and Dupree (2006), 46.5 40 Days and 40 Nights (2002), 45.5 I Feel Pretty (2018), 43.3 John Tucker Must Die (2006), 43.2 Love Don’t Cost a Thing (2003), 40.7 Mr. Deeds (2002), 40.6 The Break-Up (2006), 38.0 Whatever It Takes (2000), 37.7 Think Like a Man Too (2014), 36.5 A Cinderella Story (2004), 33.8 The Other Woman (2014), 33.8 Along Came Polly (2004), 33.3 Peeples (2013), 33.2 The Last Song (2010), 31.3 My Life in Ruins (2009), 31.2 Overboard (2018), 28.3 Chasing Liberty (2004), 26.9 Step Up 2: The Streets (2008), 24.8 Meet the Fockers (2004), 24.5 Dear John (2010), 21.9 The Ugly Truth (2009), 21.6 The Giver (2014), 21.5 The Lucky One (2012), 20.9 Charlie St. Cloud (2010), 19.1 Life as We Know It (2010), 16.9 The Beach (2000), 14.9 Grumpier Old Men (1995), 12.7 The Vow (2012), 9.3 P.S. I Love You (2007), 9.0 The Longest Ride (2015), 7.8 Remember Me (2010)

(That’s pretty good … wait, why didn’t we do Maid in Manhattan!? That’s the one I wanted to do anyways. I guess I just didn’t realize both qualified or something.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 11) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jennifer Lopez is No. 1 billed in The Wedding Planner and No. 2 billed in Gigli, which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 11. If we were to watch Two for the Money we can get the HoE Number down to 10.

Notes – Jennifer Love Hewitt was developing a separate film with the same premise for her to star in but was forced to cancel the project when this film was released.

Bree Turner, who plays the bride needing comforting by Jennifer Lopez at the beginning of the movie, also opened another wedding movie, as a bridesmaid in the opening title sequence performance in My Best Friend’s Wedding (1997). Fan theories claim it was her playing the same character, still unlucky in love.

Franny’s Mother, played by Joanna Gleason, sings very badly in the movie and is asked numerous times by her daughter not to sing. In fact, Gleason has a very good singing voice and has appeared in several Broadway musicals, including “Into the Woods” for which she won the 1988 Tony Award for Best Actress in a Musical.

Brendan Fraser was set to play the role of Dr. Steve/Eddie, but scheduling conflicts with filming the movie Bedazzled (2000) prevented him.

Sarah Michelle Gellar was originally set to star, but had to drop out because of scheduling conflicts from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997).

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress of the Decade (Jennifer Lopez)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Jennifer Lopez)

Man Trouble Recap

Jamie

Man Trouble aired on TV on January 11th, 1997… but you had plenty of time to throw on Citizen Kane that day because, guess what? You had already watched Man Trouble in theaters five years earlier. “Been there, done that,” you think, recalling the stunning advertising scheme that launched you directly from your couch into the nearby cineplex:

Jack Nicholson and Ellen Barkin are the funniest AND sexiest couple of the summer? Sign me up, you thought. ‘Funny’ and ‘Sexy’ are the two words you immediately associated with Jack Nicholson and you couldn’t wait to see it sizzle on screen with EBark. Lo your disappointment when you learned that it was merely the second funniest and sexiest couple of the summer. That’s because it’s the summer of Universal Soldier, where JCVD and Dolph Lungren do some sizzling of their own. A sizzle so hot that Jack and EBark never stood a chance.

To recap, Ellen Barkin is a recently single opera singer who gets scared living alone following a break-in at her apartment. She asks to move in with her kooky sister, but she’s off for some surgery/rehab. She still moves into her sister’s house but begins looking for protection. Enter Jack Nicholson, an unpleasant, married, mildly racist owner of a floundering guard dog service. He’s happy to sell her a dog, nevermind that he doesn’t technically own the dog. Barkin is loving how ferocious this dog is, but still is quite spooked when she continues to receive creepy messages at the house and is even attacked by a masked man. Meanwhile Jack is approached by representatives from Barkin’s sister’s powerfully rich ex-boyfriend offering to pay him cash to steal an explosive memoir the sister is writing. Jack is hesitant because he kind of likes Barkin, but still takes the check cause he’s broke and is going to lose his business. After some steamy dates and some hot and heavy make-out sessions with Barkin, Jack ends up half-heartedly looking for the memoir, but drops it when he finds a gift that Barkin has bought for him. When Barkin gets a call from her sister claiming to have been taken prisoner by her ex, Barkin and Jack head out to find her. They end up saving her, but the ex reveals Jack’s falsehoods which ends their relationship. Later, Barkin is at practice with the symphony and gets a ride with one of her friends. Luckily Jack is following because what seemed to be a platonic male friend turns out to be the very person who has been terrorizing her! He’s been harboring resentment that she never liked him because of how much of a loser he is and now is ready to take it out on her. Not so fast! Here comes Jack and they battle it out. Having saved the day, Jack smooches Barken and they live happily ever after. THE END.

I’m not sure what happened here. You can see the skeleton of a film that delivers on what it appears to be selling: Jack Nicholson is a con artist of sorts who to cover his debts is convinced to gain the confidence of a woman so he can steal something of value. He begins to take advantage, but then unexpectedly finds that he’s catching some feelings (as the kids say) and then has to somehow unravel his own scheme. But most of what I just laid out appears to have been sanded away before production. Jack’s character is a bad person for sure, but also seems to be an actually good dog trainer who is trying to make an honest buck after striking out on his own. He is pretty much into Barkin from the jump, and she’s into him, and he helps her a bunch. He’s not even a con man as far as we can tell. If anything he seems more like a sad person who unexpectedly finds love. The tone is wildly off as a result of whatever they did to change the plot. It seems like it was meant to be a satire of romantic comedies with all kinds of jagged edges… but then they tried to turn it into a stereotypical rom com. The result is not funny and not sexy. It is well acted, though. That about sums it up.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Jack is in for a world of hurt with this relationship. First of all he’s already proven himself untrustworthy. Barkin knows he was married the whole time they knew each other and that is no bueno. Second, he’s lost his business which was already failing. Why was it failing? Because he has no business sense. So why did he own a business? Because he clearly was a great trainer, but had problems with authority. Methinks this dude is going to be unemployed for quite a while. Third, so why is Barkin going to hang around an unemployed liar? They must have a lot in common, right?… right?! Nope. Nothing in common. He’s a bore. She is an opera singer who loves literature. So now she has an unemployed, uninteresting liar bumming around her house. This relationship is lasting a month tops and then he’s out on his ass… unless Man Trouble 2: More Trouble. Jack starts to terrorize Barkin himself to get that magic back. Now that’s a con man! Hot Take Temperature: Original Sin.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Man Trouble? More like Won’t Chuckle! Amirite? A Jack Nicholson rom com I’ve never heard of where he plays a huge piece of garbage? Sign me up! Let’s go!

Read about the sequel Man Trouble 2: Cyber in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Man Trouble Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I’m a garbage man and I just can’t control these a-wanderin’ hands. Well, let me tell you what, that really gets me into trouble. The people slapping my face kind of trouble. And they’re slapping my face hard. So hard that I have a concussion and possibly brain damage, and I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Man Trouble?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Jack Nicholson is, as I said, a garbage man. And not in the custodial sense, like he’s garbage. Anyways, what is his job?

2) And what is Ellin Barkin’s job? Also why is she in a spot of trouble?

3) Oh and what is Ellin Barkin’s sister’s job? Can you tell there isn’t much to really care about in this film?

4) And what is Harry Dean Stanton looking for? What does he offer Jack Nicholson to get it for him?

5) In the end what is the whole sordid tale? Where does Stanton stash the sister, what happens to the manuscript, and who was causing Ellen Barkin’s trouble and why?

Bonus Question: 30 years later and we see a phone rigging. That’s right, it’s the trailer for Man Trouble 2. Who answers?

Answers

Man Trouble Preview

“Not just one ghost… Two,” Michael reminds them for the fifth time. Jamie and Patrick nod in understanding. They get it. Not just one ghost. After telling them the story of Charlie and Drake Dudikoff (long story short: apparently they both became ghosts), he promised that he knows everything about this place and led them to a nearby secret passage. Since then they’ve been wandering the tunnels underneath the rehab center for hours, if not days, and Jamie and Patrick are starting to get concerned that Michael may have oversold his knowledge of the Testarossa. “Time is different here in the catacombs,” Michael says again. It’s as if he has only a handful of phrases he is able to say. “Right, right, time is different. Not just one ghost but two. Michael?” Jamie interjects, “how much longer do you think we’ll be wandering these catacombs? The ones where time is different.” Michael nods, “Just a little further. Time is different here in the catacombs. I’ve been here forever, so I know everything about this place.” Jamie and Patrick both sigh. But just then a doorway appears out of the gloom. Jamie and Patrick rush up to it and take a deep breath. “Finally we can help Gutes!” Jamie says just as Patrick says “Finally we can get back to Citizen Kane!” They look at each other in confusion as the door creaks open revealing a library adorned with rich mahogany. “Why hello,” a man says from a very comfortable chair. “Looks like you finally made it. Time works a little differently in the catacombs, but Michael always makes his way eventually.” The man nods to Michael. “You can leave now, Michael, I’ll take care of these two troublemakers. Let me introduce myself. I’m Drake Dudikoff. Welcome to my school.” That’s right! We might be causing a bit of trouble at the Dudikoff center but it’s nothing compared to all the trouble Jack Nicholson is causing in Man Trouble. It’s a movie… about a man… and boy… is he trouble. Probably that’s what it’s about. Let’s go!

Man Trouble (1992) – BMeTric: 36.5; Notability: 44

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 8.0%; Notability: top 6.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 3.0%; Higher BMeT: Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Body of Evidence, Cool World, Pet Sematary II, Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice, Toys, Sleepwalkers, 3 Ninjas, Sidekicks, Freejack, Beethoven, Aces: Iron Eagle III, Evil Toons, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Tom and Jerry: The Movie, Ladybugs, Dr. Giggles, Christopher Columbus: The Discovery, Encino Man, Man Trouble; Higher Notability: Toys, Cool World, Newsies, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, The Bodyguard, Freejack, Tom and Jerry: The Movie, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Memoirs of an Invisible Man, Innocent Blood, Universal Soldier, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Mighty Ducks, Radio Flyer, This Is My Life, Encino Man, The Distinguished Gentleman; Lower RT: Frozen Assets, Once Upon a Crime…, Love Crimes, Folks!, Live Wire, Year of the Comet, Cool World; Notes: I’ve barely heard of some of those lower RT films from 1992. Quite amazing that it only has 3K votes as well. But the Notability is so high! What a weird film.

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – Opera singer Barkin is troubled by a frightening break-in and other harassment so she hires guard-dog specialist Nicholson to beef up security. This mongrel of a screwball comedy consistently misses the target. Particularly disappointing in the light of reteaming Nicholson with Five Easy Pieces director Rafelson and writer Carole Eastman. Way below par for all concerned.

(Yeah, looking at the notes, that is the main thing. That he re-teamed with them as a favor and then it ended up as a huge disaster.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1ho3wmu8Hk/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1ho3wmu8Hk/

(Wow, that is just maybe the worst trailer I’ve ever seen. You can tell they didn’t even know what the film is about. They are trying to figure it out in the voice over and never quite get there.)

Directors – Bob Rafelson – ( Known For: Five Easy Pieces; The Postman Always Rings Twice; Stay Hungry; Blood and Wine; Black Widow; Head; The King of Marvin Gardens; Mountains of the Moon; No Good Deed; BMT: Man Trouble; Notes: Nominated for 2 Oscars, both for Five Easy Pieces. Which is basically the entire story behind this film. Also helped create The Monkees.)

Writers – Carole Eastman – ( Known For: Five Easy Pieces; The Shooting; The Fortune; Model Shop; Puzzle of a Downfall Child; BMT: Man Trouble; Notes: Met Nicholson in an acting class, and ultimately he starred in the majority of her written works.)

Actors – Jack Nicholson – ( Known For: The Departed; One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest; The Shining; Batman; A Few Good Men; As Good as It Gets; Chinatown; Mars Attacks!; The Witches of Eastwick; The Pledge; Easy Rider; Anger Management; Something’s Gotta Give; Terms of Endearment; The Bucket List; Five Easy Pieces; Carnal Knowledge; Tommy; The Postman Always Rings Twice; Goin’ South; Future BMT: How Do You Know; The Evening Star; BMT: Man Trouble; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actor in 1993 for Hoffa, and Man Trouble; Notes: Y’all know Jack. Famous Lakers fan, he refused to allow anyone on the set of The Departed to wear a Red Sox hat. Apparently not retired from acting, although he hasn’t appeared in anything since 2010.)

Ellen Barkin – ( Known For: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas; The Man from Toronto; Ocean’s Thirteen; Diner; Tender Mercies; This Boy’s Life; Drop Dead Gorgeous; The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension; The Cobbler; Sea of Love; Eddie and the Cruisers; Johnny Handsome; Brooklyn’s Finest; Breaking News in Yuba County; Down by Law; Hands of Stone; Someone Like You; Very Good Girls; The Big Easy; Twelve; Future BMT: The Fan; Switch; Harry & Son; BMT: Wild Bill; Mad Dog Time; Man Trouble; Notes: Won an Emmy for Before Women Had Wings. Starred in the tv show Animal Kingdom.)

Harry Dean Stanton – ( Known For: The Godfather Part II; Alien; The Green Mile; How the West Was Won; The Avengers; Red Dawn; Rango; Pretty in Pink; Seven Psychopaths; Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas; Inland Empire; Escape from New York; Cool Hand Luke; Wild at Heart; Paris, Texas; The Pledge; Anger Management; The Last Temptation of Christ; Alpha Dog; Christine; Future BMT: Down Periscope; Dream a Little Dream; The Animal; You, Me and Dupree; Young Doctors in Love; BMT: Fire Down Below; Never Talk to Strangers; Man Trouble; Notes: Died at 91 a few years ago. All over the place as a character actor, and was the main antagonist of the show Big Love.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $4,096,030 (Worldwide: $4,096,030)

(My god, that film had a family! That is a colossal bomb. Possibly the largest bomb of that year. And then people just forgot about it. Only 3000 votes on IMDb. It is crazy!)

Rotten Tomatoes – 7% (2/30): Man Trouble has brilliant stars and the germ of an interesting idea in its favor, which makes the scattered, unfunny results even more of a disappointment.

(Unfunny garbage? That’s my middle name. What a low RT score. I do wonder how many sub-10% RT films there are and how many we’ve seen … one sec. There are 372 qualifying films that fit the bill, and we’ve seen 175 … soon to be 176, but still, a ways to go is an understatement.)

NY Times Short Review: Love. A dog trainer and an opera singer. Sad mess of a romantic comedy.

Poster – Man, Trouble

(This honestly looks so much like the cover a self-help book that if I didn’t already know the plot of the film I would have thought it was a movie about a self-help guru who breaks all her own rules and falls in love with everything she advises her readers not to go after. The anti-catch…. That’s actually not half bad. I better start working on that script. I think I’ll call it… Man Trouble. Oh, the poster is a surprising C. If only for the pink font and the little pink doggie.)

Tagline(s) – She put her life in his hands. Unfortunately, his hands have a life of their own. (C+)

(My word. That is crazy like a fox. Obviously it takes far too long getting where it wants to go, but the use of the old fashioned “life of their own” phrasing to spin a pun is so ludicrous that I can’t help but respect it. Although I have to say I don’t love the word “unfortunately” here. GIves me the creeps.)

Keyword(s) – Citizen Kane

Top 10: The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980), Goodfellas (1990), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983), The Terminator (1984), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Full Metal Jacket (1987), Aliens (1986), Groundhog Day (1993)

Future BMT: 75.0 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 71.9 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 61.0 Pet Sematary II (1992), 59.6 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.5 Rocky V (1990), 56.4 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 55.6 Ringmaster (1998), 54.2 Who’s That Girl (1987), 53.2 Made in America (1993), 52.4 Blank Check (1994), 51.5 The Pest (1997), 50.5 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.0 Smokey and the Bandit II (1980), 49.9 3 Ninjas (1992), 49.1 My Girl 2 (1994), 48.3 My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988), 47.9 Three Men and a Little Lady (1990), 46.7 House Party 3 (1994), 46.4 Zapped! (1982), 45.8 Sidekicks (1992)

BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), RoboCop 3 (1993), Grease 2 (1982), Caddyshack II (1988), Bio-Dome (1996), Mac and Me (1988), Anaconda (1997), Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996), Double Team (1997), Fair Game (1995), Leprechaun (1993), Body of Evidence (1992), A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), Poltergeist III (1988), Wild Orchid (1989), Sliver (1993), Chairman of the Board (1997), Red Sonja (1985), Nothing But Trouble (1991), Ishtar (1987), Toys (1992), Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), Exit to Eden (1994), Fire Down Below (1997), Color of Night (1994), Graveyard Shift (1990), No Holds Barred (1989), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Maximum Overdrive (1986), Fire Birds (1990), Cocoon: The Return (1988), Jingle All the Way (1996), Raw Deal (1986), Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986), Crocodile Dundee II (1988), Hudson Hawk (1991), Navy Seals (1990), Critters 2: The Main Course (1988), Hot to Trot (1988), Rambo III (1988), Terminal Velocity (1994), Meatballs Part II (1984), Cobra (1986), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Man Trouble (1992), Hard to Kill (1990), Conan the Destroyer (1984), The Golden Child (1986), Another 48 Hrs. (1990), Hard Rain (1998), Under the Cherry Moon (1986), Mannequin (1987), K-9 (1989), Days of Thunder (1990), Blame It on Rio (1984), No Mercy (1986), Senseless (1998), The Wizard (1989), The Marrying Man (1991), Sleeping with the Enemy (1991), The Cannonball Run (1981), Stone Cold (1991), Tango & Cash (1989), Lock Up (1989), The Good Son (1993), 1492: Conquest of Paradise (1992), Dangerous Minds (1995), Young Guns II (1990), Event Horizon (1997), Dutch (1991), Police Academy (1984), Road House (1989)

Best Options (Romance): 75.0 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 54.2 Who’s That Girl (1987), 46.7 House Party 3 (1994), 39.0 The Beautician and the Beast (1997), 36.7 Man Trouble (1992), 32.2 Born Yesterday (1993), 32.0 Blind Date (1987), 31.3 The Forbidden Dance (1990), 30.9 He Said, She Said (1991), 29.6 Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992), 28.9 Dream a Little Dream (1989), 27.9 The Favor (1994), 26.7 HouseSitter (1992), 26.7 Vibes (1988), 26.6 The Saint (1997), 26.2 Flashdance (1983), 26.1 The Bride (1985), 24.7 18 Again! (1988), 24.4 Poetic Justice (1993), 21.8 Funny About Love (1990), 21.3 Date with an Angel (1987), 21.0 For Keeps? (1988), 16.8 Listen to Me (1989), 16.6 Mr. Destiny (1990), 15.5 Aspen Extreme (1993), 15.2 Worth Winning (1989), 15.1 Unfaithfully Yours (1984), 14.6 Creator (1985), 13.2 Stella (1990), 10.7 Reckless (1984)

(What a wild set of options and a wild movie to choose. I should note about the graph, that peak in 1992? That’s real. It is because “Citizen Kane Days”, days when Citizen Kane played on television, had a huuuuuge peak in 1992 since that was the 50th anniversary. And since recent films are going to be playing the most in 1992 the peak will be around 1990-1992. Fun facts.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 19) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Ellen Barkin is No. 2 billed in Man Trouble and No. 2 billed in Wild Bill, which also stars Diane Lane (No. 4 billed) who is in Judge Dredd (No. 2 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 2) + (4 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 19. If we were to watch The Fan, Murder at 1600, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – Jack Nicholson mainly agreed to make this film in an attempt to revive the careers of his old friends Bob Rafelson and Carole Eastman. Nicholson had worked successfully with the two on Five Easy Pieces (1970).

A promotional photo session featuring Ellen Barkin sporting a studded dog collar and attached to Jack Nicholson’s leash had American feminist organizations in an uproar.

Meryl Streep was initially intended for the role of Joan Spruance, but she withdrew when she became pregnant.

The first version of the script was written in the 1970s, and was to feature Jack Nicholson and Jeanne Moreau. At first, Caole Eastman hoped to direct her script herself.

Other pairings considered were Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson, then Robert De Niro and Jessica Lange, and then Al Pacino and Meryl Streep, before its final incarnation of Nicholson and Ellen Barkin.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Jack Nicholson, 1993)

Fresh Horses Recap

Jamie

These horses are f-f-f-f-fresh. Funky Fresh. Never before has such a thin concept gone so far for BMT. The mere name of this film, Fresh Horses, is so weird that it stopped Patrick in his tracks and he insisted we watch. What made these horses so fresh, we wondered. And it was a tricky spot. Films from the 80’s not only significantly predate any of your favorite online databases (obviously), but the box office was like a wee little babe at that point. The data is sparse. So it’s hard enough knowing if a film is actually bad… but you also have to wonder whether it was even a wide release film. Was Fresh Horses deserving of being BMT? Who cares! These horses are fresh. Funky Fresh Horses. Welcome to FFH. We’ve rebranded.

To recap, Matt is a Richy Rich… or at least comparatively rich for Cincinnati. After getting engaged he becomes increasingly unhappy with his course in life. He decides to head down to Kentucky where there are no rulez and he meets Jewel. He is instantly obsessed. She seems so naive and pure (like a horse… a totally fresh horse) and he runs away from everything to be with her. Turns out he probably needs therapy, but whatevs! YOLO! Every time things seem like they are so pure and beautiful in their love there is some new speedbump in their way. Jewel is married?! Gah! Jewel might be 16 years old?! Gosh darn it. Jewel is mildly bored by Matt’s potential career choice of board game design?! Worst one yet! Eventually things spiral so far out of control that Matt decides he has to call things quits and he goes off for some fun with girls from his University. Discovered by Jewel and realizing he was just trying to hurt her, he gives the relationship one more go. But when he gets into a scuffle with Jewel’s husband they decide to officially break up. A year later they meet in Cincinnati and Matt finds that Jewel has left her husband, gone back to school and has a new beau. He’s happy for her and just as he turns away he mentions how he never did give her his real name. She asks what it is and he says, “Milton.. Milton Bradley.” THE END.

Alright, fine, that last part didn’t happen. But that would have been fresh. Funky fresh. This is a bit of a nothing film other than portraying some real wild stuff as if it’s just a normal, everyday coming-of-age tale. Weird stuff happens in real life, so perhaps this is par for the course for some, but you can’t help but be knocked back a couple steps when the characters keep upping the ante on Jewel and Matt is like “don’t care, I love her.” You probably don’t, bro. The only things that seem worth much in the film is an early turn by Ben Stiller, a stellar showing by Cincinnati, and an ending that feels a little like the second After film. How would a relationship like this end? Probably the college kid would reorient and get back on the path to his normal career and maybe the girl would end up turning her life around without him. They would not end up together… and they don’t. This isn’t a good film, it’s a weird film. Which is better than bad.

Hot Take Clam Bake! You know what, I think these kids are going to make it. The film tells you they are well on their way to leading fulfilling lives away from each other. I say no! I say they see each other that one day and Matt is like “Wow, Jewel is looking great and is now kind of a brainiac like me.” and Jewel is like “Wow, Matt is looking great and he’s not some lost weirdo anymore.” Soon he hears through the grapevine that she’s single again. “You wanna catch a flick?” he asks. Tim Burton’s Batman sounds like it’s good. She agrees. They end up back at his place where, what’s this? She is suddenly interested in his burgeoning board game career? And hold up, did she just make a suggestion on how to change the rules… and the game is now better? Oh, they’re passing Go and they’re collecting $200 (if you know what I mean). Hot Take Temperature: US Grade Police Pepper Spray.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! It’s f-f-f-f-f-f-f-funky fresh horses. Brother … those horses? They’re super fresh. Let’s go!

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh what’s this now? Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh what did we just watch now? And not in a “this film is wild kind of way”, but in a “I forgot people used to make films like this, that they would be released widely to theaters, that they would be panned by critics, and that they would play constantly on television … and then people would just forget this film existed?”
To point number one: I’ve been collecting data from the New York Times on television listings. Fresh Horses? All over the place in 1990. Played on television 15 times. That is as much as 55 other films from 1988 (already alarming …). Was Fresh Horses a top 60ish film in 1988? Not by gross, but by theatrical count it was for sure (as a matter of fact by that metric it was 57th versus 56th by television plays …). Is the number of times it played on television a proxy for theatrical counts? If so, could something like this be used for years where there isn’t good data on theatrical count? Interesting questions all around.
Oh, am I avoiding talking about this film? I couldn’t tell.
This film is really weird. I would say it is very well acted. I would say that the story is told well. The direction is at least adequate, although perhaps hardly spectacular (but it is adapting a stage play, so a difficult task). The writing seems solid. The issue just seems to be that they took a stage play with challenging ideas and … that’s it. There is something lost in translation. The weighty bit of the script: him falling in love with a girl from the wrong side of the tracks. That girl turning out to be 16 years old. That girl coming from an abusive background. That girl being married. That girl also maybe being a liar, but then again the undercurrent of her constantly being trapped by horrible men in a terrible situation, and then maybe it’s those men who are lying both to themselves and Andrew McCarthy to protect themselves. That’s a challenge. It sounds like a play. I think Ringwald and McCarthy handle the material well, but ultimately the film feels like a nothing film.
Is it because it feels like this pulls the punch at the end? Are there consequences at the end of this film? It feels like ultimately Jewel gets out of her situation (or is she perhaps duping another “high class” guy after using McCarthy to get her annulment? These are the questions), McCarthy moves up north to become a chemical engineer, his friend lives happily ever after. So … what was the consequence? McCarthy got beat up once and broke up with his rich fiancee. He may have had a fight with his family. That’s about it. I was fully expecting to watch McCarthy ruin his life. Either by following Jewel down a dark and dangerous path, or literally getting killed attempting to “save her”. I’m glad he didn’t, but at the same time is the film “less than” because it leaves things so unchanged? It feels like a stage play basically. That feels like a problem.
I’m surprised I have so much to say, but it was a weird film.
Shout out to Product Placement (What?) for White Castle, a solid addition to our BMT fast food product placement pantheon. Definite Setting as a Character (Where?) for the Cincinnati / Kentucky border which underscores the entire central dynamic of the film. I’ll leave it with that. This is closest to Bad easily I think, just because it is boring and I would never ever ever watch it again.

Read all about the sequel Fresher Horses in the Quiz. Cheerios,

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