Bad Movie Twins

Leviathan Recap

Jamie

I was initially jazzed to check out the New York Times for the day that Leviathan was released. I presumed I’d get maybe a double page ad with quotes and cool images, but no. Just a single page and it’s kind of terrible:

One question: why? Nothing about that is cool or attractive. Which is ironic because the one interesting thing about Leviathan in the paper is the review. Interesting because it’s actually pretty good. Compares it very favorably to Deepstar Six, which I don’t think I’ve seen (mistake). Ironic because the punchline of the review is “Survival of the Prettiest.” God I love old school newspaper movie reviews. Stuff a bunch of film buffs into a theater to watch Leviathan and then have them write 300 words about it. We have to go back.

To recap, Peter Weller is a geologist tasked with wringing some money out of a deepsea mining operation. He is on the verge of success and the company is thrilled. Unfortunately, the miners are less thrilled with this nerd alert raining on their parade. A few days before they have to surface one of the miners trips down a canyon and finds a wrecked Russian ship. It’s all very confusing because there is no record of the ship sinking in Russian logs and amongst the stuff they find is a video suggesting that some terrible medical event occurred. Everything is quarantined, but one of the hard partying miners snags a Russian flask for himself. That’s a mistake because once he and a fellow miner down the vodka they become violently ill and begin to genetically transform. While the rest of them hurry to finish the mining operation, the two miners die from the illness. But that’s not all, soon they awaken in monstrous form and begin to merge into one big amorphous sea creature. Weller attempts to hide this event from the rest of the crew, but as they attempt to eject the monster from the rig they all discover what’s going on. Everyone is kind of freaking out. They run around a bunch, things burst out of peoples’ chests, etc. etc. etc. Everything falls apart and everyone dies except Weller and his lady love, Willie. They also find out the mining company is ready to abandon them and declare them dead. Not so fast, because Weller and Willie don their underwater suits and surface. They battle the monster and some sharks one last time before blowing the creature to smithereens. He then punches out the head of the company and smooches his lady… hard. THE END.

Helllll yeah, Leviathan is some fun stuff. Like Iron Eagle it’s a straight rip-off of multiple blockbusters (Alien and The Thing most prominently), but some decent effects go a long way to papering all that over. We got monster effects, some underwater effects, and a big ol’ sci-fi set that is fun to look at. It certainly lags here and there (and really wants you to care that the people on the rig might not get their money), but ultimately it hits at the right moments for me to be into it. Probably the biggest ding against it is the end of the movie. Once they get to the surface it briefly transforms into a 70’s flick with bad effects and a bunch of sharks for no reason. It’s weird. Anyway, if it had been made just five years later I’m guessing it would have ended up straight-to-video, but I’m glad it didn’t. As for The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck, the less said the better, probably. It’s not the worst thing ever, but it’s lazy. It’s definitely supposed to have its tongue planted in its cheek, but it’s shot so rotely that it’s hard to tell. Don’t know if Keith took over directing duties to get the film made or chose it as a Keith auteur vehicle, but either way makes sense this was his last (substantial) effort.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m gonna say it, I think Peter Weller was behind the whole thing. No, not inventing the Monster Disease, but rather using his big ol’ brain to know exactly how to set everything up for him and his lady love to escape to the surface after satisfying their mining contract. You think that company is leaving all that sweet, sweet ore at the bottom of the ocean. No way. And once they bring it up Weller will be sitting there ready to cash in. It’s a classic corrupt cop situation. Weller has spent his days being a low-paying geologist. When is it his time to get the money reserved for those he helps? Now, that’s when. So when they find that disease he sees his shot. Let a big dumbo grab the diseased liquor and it’s off to the races, and off to Moneytown, USA (population: Peter Weller). Hot Take Temperature: the blue heat of Meg Foster’s eyes.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about The Abyss?! … nope, wait. Are we talking about The Thing?! … wait, no, it isn’t that either. Are we talking about Alien?! … shoot, not that either. What the hell are we talking about? Oh right, Leviathan. Distinction without a difference init? Let’s go!

Hey look at us, I think this film is legit a zero out of five on the how-you-say Soldier Boyz racism scale. Congrats.

I actually liked this film, but I will reiterate: this is one of the most derivative films I’ve ever seen. It is just straight up a Thing and Alien mash-up set under the sea. But it has solid practical effects and is just ultimately pretty fun.

It is a smorgasbord of 90s shlock masters too. Peter Weller? Ernie Hudson? Throw in some Hector Elizondo and Daniel Stern and baby you got a stew cooking.

And gimme all that sweet “corporations and inherently evil entities willing to sacrifice their workers for a buck (and probably a weapon to sell to some equally evil military/industrial minded country)” junk. Inject it directly in my veins, even if it is just pure uncut Paul-Reiser-in-Alien. Yeah … there isn’t an original bone in this horrific monster fish’s body.

Oh yeah, and as Jamie said the ending is crazy. All of a sudden they are like “Hooray we are saved! … oh no there are sharks! … oh no the monster is also here and Ernie Hudson is dead! … well I’ll blow up the monster! … Hooray we are saved!” It is a little like they didn’t quite know how to end the film when they had it right there: have it end with them going up to the surface, and have them break the surface to a shining sun. Get it? They lived and they know the company tried to screw them. C’mon guys, I’m tearing up here, let’s get a Sklog Cut with that ending as the only change.

As for the friend this week … sigh. The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck. Let’s just get this out of the way: This is a solid three or four on the how-you-say Soldier Boyz racism scale. I think it has to be a four, I think there is someone in black face in this film although I couldn’t swear by it. Also, I don’t know what the deal with 90s schlock is with rape, but someone gets raped or almost raped in every film. It makes it very hard to enjoy these films when sexual assault and racism are put front and center as motivations for our garbage “hero” to kill people. That being said: this movie is also poorly made, and the acting is dire. It is like David Keith saw Indiana Jones and was like “I could do that, what is it really? A garbage drunk cracking wise and slaying ladies? I can do that.” And then he just made River of Death with Michael Dudikoff, added in some jokes and rape and went “nailed it.” You didn’t nail it David Keith. Not even close. Hell, River of Death didn’t even nail it! I have to give it a D. The action would be kind of fun. You know … without the racism and rape.

Good Product Placement (What?) for Pepsi which for some reason on a private underwater lab just has vending machines around. I’m going to give this an Unlikely Setting (Where?) for simply “underwater” which I unironically love. I think this is potentially an A+ MacGuffin (Why?) for the sunken ship Leviathan and the unintended evil it contained. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the obvious reveal that the evil corporation is, it turns out, evil. I think this is a Good and nothing you say will make me change my mind!

Read about my sweet sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Leviathan Quiz

‘Ello everyone! On man, so get this. I was on the bottom of the ocean (natch) mining my ore (natch) when a big mutant fish thing attacked and tore all my friends to pieces! Luckily, I just suffered a blow to the head and a massive concussion. I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Leviathan?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) There’s some tension on the bottom of the ocean because someone isn’t doing their job. What event occurs that kicks off the issues between RoboCop and the doctor?

2) So … what is the deal with RoboCop, why is he on the bottom of the ocean anyways?

3) So … what is the deal with the doctor, why is he on the bottom of the ocean anyways?

4) They find a ship called Leviathan on the bottom of the ocean, but it isn’t supposed to exist. What is on the ship that starts to cause everyone to mutate?

5) The movie is pretty much just people running around away from the fish monster at this point, but in the end how does RoboCop, the fourth Ghostbuster, and … the lady, end up getting back to the surface?

Bonus Question: Welp, RoboCop just punched his boss out. Definitely fired right?

Answers

Leviathan Preview

September 1st, 1996

Jamie and Patrick are looking fresh. Earrings? Gold. Jeans? Gold. Apple juice? Gold. They’re about to turn ten and are setting the standard with their gold swag. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “How many times can you watch Tango and Cash?” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of their local swimming hole and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is Baraka) they ventured forth and found themselves at Ralston’s Gulch. It’s cannonball central as they take the swimming hole by storm. Suddenly, right when they begin another one of their patented Twin Double Cannonballs, they feel a tug at their shorts and find themselves completely nude in the freezing waters. A couple of middle school bullies are laughing at them from the shore while holding their shorts above their heads. “Why don’t the little babies come out and playyyyy-ayyyy?” they yell, and all the other people at the gulch laugh. “We look like fools,” Jamie says and laments that he doesn’t have a shirt to rip clean off to fashion crude shorts out of. “Do you remember the last time we ended up completely nude in public?” Patrick reminds Jamie. He does, it was when those two hot dogging pilots at the air show buzzed them and the speed of the jets ripped all their clothes off. “And what did we do then?” Patrick continues. “Oh right, we took those foolz to schoolz,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined. “We jumped in the water. Because in the water no one can see you nude and in the water…” With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory. That’s right! We are diving into Leviathan, an Alien/The Thing rip-off set underwater that if made just a few years later would have probably looked way cheaper and probably went straight to video. But instead it got a theatrical release. Good for us. We pair that with The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck, a weird little movie directed by David Keith… you know… before he realized he didn’t want to do that. Let’s go!

Leviathan (1989) – BMeTric: 34.7; Notability: 50

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 8.4%; Notability: top 2.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 14.6%; Higher BMeT: Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child, Wild Orchid, Cyborg, The Karate Kid Part III, The Fly II, No Holds Barred, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, Cutting Class, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, DeepStar Six, The Toxic Avenger Part II, Pink Cadillac, Shocker, Speed Zone, The Punisher, The January Man, The Horror Show, and 1 more; Higher Notability: Tango & Cash, Troop Beverly Hills, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Fletch Lives, Harlem Nights; Lower RT: The Horror Show, Speed Zone, Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects, The Toxic Avenger Part II, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, Worth Winning, Night Game, Wired, Dream a Little Dream, Wild Orchid, No Holds Barred, She’s Out of Control, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Millennium, Chattahoochee, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, Cookie, Troop Beverly Hills, Three Fugitives, and 13 more; Notes: Played on television 40 times in the 90s, not bad. A lot of horror sequels in ‘89 as well, Friday the 13th 8 (played 27 times), Halloween 5 (15 times), Nightmare on Elm Street: Dream Child (39 times), and The Fly II (35 times). So this played more that those which is interesting. More interesting (maybe) is none of the Sleepaway Camps played at all on television in the 90s … that seems crazy, but I ran a check and it seems to be the case. Sleepaway Camp, it turns out, is a purely post-2000 cult horror sensation.

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – Yet one more dreadful Alien clone, this one set underwater (like several other 1989 releases), with a team of men and women imperiled as they toil in the depths of the Atlantic. Skip it.

(Leonard, would you say that perhaps we should … spare ourselves? Anyways, you can tell two things from this review. First, the complete lack of interest by Leonard in horror films in general. And second, just how bad this film must be for him to not even bother to slam it very hard. Exciting.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2G2OSQyIjGc/

(Love the voiceover immediately. You can explicitly tell this is just The Thing + Alien = Leviathan though. Amusingly unoriginal.)

Directors – George P. Cosmatos – ( Known For: Tombstone; Escape to Athena; The Cassandra Crossing; Of Unknown Origin; The Day the Fish Came Out; Massacre in Rome; The Beloved; Future BMT: Shadow Conspiracy; BMT: Rambo: First Blood Part II; Cobra; Leviathan; Notes: Died in 2005, but was retired from 1997 I think. His son is also a director having directed Mandy.)

Writers – David Webb Peoples – ( Known For: Blade Runner; Unforgiven; 12 Monkeys; Ladyhawke; Hero; The Blood of Heroes; Unforgiven; BMT: Leviathan; Soldier; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Unforgiven. Seemingly still alive at around 83 years old, but he hasn’t done anything since 1997 either.)

Jeb Stuart – ( Known For: Die Hard; The Fugitive; Blood Done Sign My Name; Vital Signs; Future BMT: Just Cause; Switchback; BMT: Leviathan; Lock Up; Another 48 Hrs.; Fire Down Below; Notes: Created Vikings: Valhalla more recently, but also hasn’t written a feature since 1997. We need to watch Switchback, it’s a serial killer film I’ve barely heard of.)

Actors – Peter Weller – ( Known For: RoboCop; Star Trek Into Darkness; The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension; Naked Lunch; Mighty Aphrodite; Prey; Beyond the Clouds; Skin Trade; Of Unknown Origin; Shakedown; Cat Chaser; Butch and Sundance: The Early Days; Shoot the Moon; Just Tell Me What You Want; Repentance; Ivans xtc.; Dragon Eyes; The New Age; Shadow Hours; Top of the World; Future BMT: Screamers; The Order; Firstborn; Undiscovered; BMT: RoboCop 2; Leviathan; Notes: Was nominated for an Oscar for a short film, Partners, which is wild. He is obviously more well known for RoboCop because the rest of his filmography seems to alternate between Schlock and Cult Classics.)

Richard Crenna – ( Known For: First Blood; Sabrina; Body Heat; Hot Shots! Part Deux; Our Miss Brooks; Wait Until Dark; The Sand Pebbles; Death Ship; Jonathan Livingston Seagull; The Flamingo Kid; Breakheart Pass; The Evil; A Cop; Marooned; Doctors’ Wives; Table for Five; Star!; Catlow; Made in Paris; Stone Cold Dead; Future BMT: Summer Rental; Wrongfully Accused; BMT: Rambo: First Blood Part II; Rambo III; Leviathan; Jade; Notes: Nominated for four Emmys and won one for The Rape of Richard Beck. Almost certainly known to film lovers a as Colonel Trautman the man who “created” Rambo.)

Amanda Pays – ( Known For: The Kindred; Oxford Blues; Off Limits; A Grande Arte; Ablaze; Subterfuge; BMT: Leviathan; Notes: She was in a few episodes of The Flash, otherwise she appears to have been semi-retired for a while. Comes from an acting family, and is married to Corbin Bernsen. Which probably explains a bit role in Psych.)

Budget/Gross – $21 million / Domestic: $15,704,614 (Worldwide: $15,704,614)

(That is abominable. For a horror film especially. You design it for the $20 million budget expecting a $30-50 million return at least, but this is a bomb for sure.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 24% (6/25): A deep-sea thriller with an unusually strong cast and potent ideas, Leviathan quickly plunges into an abyss of weak thrills and lame kills.

(Sounds about right. The unusually strong cast is right, although with hindsight … well, let’s just say that Ernie Hudson and Peter Weller didn’t quite finish up the 90s as A-listers.)

NYT Short Review: Spare yourself. / Miners trapped on the ocean floor with a giant eel. / Adventure about metal mining on the ocean floor.

Poster – Leviasklog

(Very cool, although pretty unrealistic, poster. I’ve seen it before, but until you watch the movie you don’t really recognize how strange it is that they use an event from the end of the film to advertise the movie. A bit random. A.)

Tagline(s) – How long can you hold your breath? (C)

(Hmmmm, I guess this is not the worst it can be. It makes some sense and is intriguing. Although it doesn’t have much to do with the movie.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), The Godfather (1972), Scarface (1983), 12 Angry Men (1957), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Back to the Future Part II (1989), Dead Poets Society (1989), Citizen Kane (1941), The Game (1997), Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.1 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.3 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.3 Club Paradise (1986), 38.9 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.8 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.8 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.3 Spring Break (1983), 34.1 Father Hood (1993)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Leviathan (1989), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Lock Up (1989), Magic in the Water (1995), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Best Options (Horror): 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 34.7 Leviathan (1989)

(This was a sparse category. Ultimately I think this was chosen because it was 1990 and was the only real good option from that year.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Richard Crenna is No. 2 billed in Leviathan and No. 2 billed in Rambo III, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 13. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – The experience was an adventure and a joy for Stan Winston and his monster-making team. Not only did they get to live in Rome for four months during filming, and even learn scuba diving, a recreational activity many of them continue to pursue to this day, but they also got to work with a director who was unusually generous with inviting their input. In addition to producing the creature effects, Cosmatos trusted Winston to direct the second unit action sequences. “George Cosmatos always let us take the lead in how to shoot the creature,” noted Landon. “He was such a big-hearted person, he would throw up his hands, and say ‘I don’t know what I’m doing.’ He’d just admit it and let us do what we knew how to do. We know what our characters can do and we know the best way to use them. We’re thinking about what our characters are going to have to do on the set the entire time we’re building them. So we are goldmines of information and knowledge. Some directors recognize that, and really rely on us.”

The creature effects team encountered some language differences during the making of Aliens (1986) in England, but the challenges were much bigger in Italy. “I always keep a log of everything we order on shows, just in case accounting comes back later and asks about it,” noted lead creature effects mechanic and on-set technician Richard Landon. “In my log from that show, you can tell that there were some real language issues, because a lot of times, instead of words, I drew pictures of nuts or bolts or that kind of thing. I would quite often have to draw a picture just to make it clear what I was talking about.” There were cultural differences too, such as the Italian’s crew tendency to drink large amounts of red wine at lunch. “They’d say, ‘Here, have some wine!’ remembered Mahan, “and we’d say, ‘Uh, thanks, but we’re not allowed to drink while we’re working.’ Of course, every once in a while, we’d sneak a little, but nothing like the way those guys were drinking it down.”

Deep Star Six (1989) was the first release of several underwater-monster-themed feature films released during 1989-90, including The Abyss (1989), Leviathan (1989), The Evil Below (1989), and Lords of the Deep (1989), and ‘The Rift’ (aka ‘Endless Descent’, 1990). With the exception of ‘The Abyss’, none of these films were box office hits.

The movie is set in the year 2027

Once, during the underwater photography, John Rosengrant and other members of the SWS on-set crew were underwater for so long and at such depth, that they were unaware of a violent storm that had come in, threatening to rip the topside boat from its anchor and smash it against nearby rocks. “We had no idea all of this was going on, until we came to the surface and saw all this commotion,” recalled Rosengrant. “We all go out of the water and helped to push the boat away from the rocks and hold it steady in this storm.”

Iron Eagle Recap

Jamie

Iron Eagles, assemble! And this is where me and Patrick swoop in flying mini fighter jets which transform like a couple transformers into Chris Klein and future academy award winner Josh Hartnett mechs. This is, of course, part of our bad movie themed children’s animated TV show, Two Guys, Two Bots and a Za Spot. Similar to the Bad Movie Twins storyline, this is the continuing adventure of me, Patrick, and our best friends CK-bot and JH-tron (and a pizza place). Unlike the BMT storyline there is less gleaming abs and hardcore frenching and more lessons learned and pizza. In this adventure we would be challenged to a race by Goobert and his Rude Tudes, but ultimately we would decline as it’s reckless and irresponsible. Meanwhile, CK-bot and JH-tron would go ahead and race them and make them look like total IDIOTS. Wait, what was I talking about?

To recap, Doug Masters is the hot dogging son of a hot shot pilot. While Doug’s hot dogging around his father gets shot down over [REDACTED]. At the same time he is rejected from the Air Force Academy (presumably for all the hot dogging), which is equally devastating. When it becomes obvious that the US government is going to do nothing to save his father (now sentenced to death) he recruits a former pilot, Chappy, to help him plan a clandestine and highly illegal rescue mission. At first Chappy doesn’t like all the rock music that Doug seems to need to aid in his hot dogging, but the seriousness with which the kid pursues the mission eventually grows on him. They are aided by a group of air force base youngsters who create a highly organized mission that may actually have a chance at success. The day comes and off they fly to take out all kinds of military installations in [REDACTED]. He hot dogs for a bit, blowing stuff up and killing like a thousand people. Chappy is hit and appears to crash in the sea, which only lights a fire under Doug. He demands the release of his father and despite some trickery by the Defense Colonel of [REDACTED] he’s able to kill loads more people and pick up his dad (what one might term The Ultimate Hot Dog). As they fly away it appears that they are going to be shot down, but at the last moment the US Air Force arrives and escorts them back home. There it’s revealed that Chappy survived! Hooray! They are both reprimanded, but in a cheeky twist Doug is “punished” by being forced to attend the Air Force Academy. Double hooray! THE END.

This is a very funny movie. Essentially they ripped off Top Gun but then decided to mix it up with Goonies. The whole time I was thinking, “I wonder how they are going to avoid having this kid blow up a bunch of people with the fighter jet he’s going to pilot?” The answer? They don’t. He just does it. It’s really no wonder that it almost immediately veers away from those family-friendly vibes and closer to an actual rip-off of Top Gun as they proceeded through the sequels. Besides that (and some very funny 80’s conservative political banter) it’s actually a pleasantly silly watch. As for Bitter Harvest, well… this is a film that kind of has to be seen to be believed. Very strange stuff. But get the kids out of the room because, despite Stephen Baldwin playing a totally weird dude, there are several very steamy sex scenes that you will be treated to. Kudos to the two lead actresses for really going for it. Despite it being steamy and off-putting at the same time (somehow), I do have to give the film credit for one thing: I did not see the ending coming.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Iron Eagle is a scathing indictment of the US Military. No, I don’t mean the fact that the US Government is ready to leave a US pilot hero behind enemy lines to be executed without any kind of mission planned. No, that makes some sense. Don’t want to start a war without exercising some caution. No, I mean the fact that Doug is able to execute a two-man fighter jet excursion into enemy territory by basically donning a helmet and jumping into a jet. This is a child. Isn’t anyone checking ID’s? Worrisome stuff. Hot Take Temperature: A piping hot hot dog straight off the grill.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Louis Gosset Jr. and a teenager committing high treason and killing dozens of people in an international incident involving David Suchet? Let’s go!

You heard that fucking right. In this film a teenager and Louis Gosset Jr. hop into fighter jets, fly across the ocean (including multiple mid-air refuels), kill dozens of people in definitely-not-Libya, personally kill the head of a sovereign nation’s defense administration in a dog fight, and then just … get away with it? Like they swear him to secrecy and stuff, but for real … are we at war with not-Libya? Right after the credits did I miss the part where we are now engaged in a land war in Africa?

Otherwise I mean … is this movie good? It’s goofy. But also, is that fine? Is it a good movie? I enjoyed it. It is explicitly propaganda with very weird messages about the military and government in general, but is an objectively fun film.

Suchet is funny because he is really only used as a villain in American productions and usually when they need someone “Arab adjacent” or possibly French (he is not, but he has a passable accent, possibly due in part to playing the famous Belgian detective Poirot on television). Lucky for me his inclusion allows me to ask the age old question for 90s films: Is this film how-you-say … racist? Verdict: one out of five Soldier Boyz.

Gosset Jr. is hilarious in this film, and he was really milking that Academy Award Winner sheen for all he got. All the power to him.

I could give or take the kid actors (although nice to see the kid from Teen Wolf killing it here too), especially the main character who acted a bit like the Karate Kid at his whiniest.

Some nice plane stunts in the beginning. That is probably the best bit to be honest.

The entire film would have been a bit more sensical if you took the beginning all the way through the planning stage, but then at the end Gosset Jr. came to him and was like “Sorry kid, but … I can’t let you do this mission. This is real shit. But I called in a few favors and they like the plan so I’m going in with a few wingmen and you’ll be in the room when it all goes down” and the message is basically like: sometimes you can’t take no for an answer, but also be smart and go through the right channels when real lives are on the line. In the end the result is the same (his father is saved), but ultimately the message is a bit softer and it makes far more sense that they are like: you’re really smart and you love flying, but most importantly you didn’t do the rash thing when it counted which is what we were worried about … you’re in the Air Force Academy kid. The End.

Did I make the film better or worse? I think better, but also I don’t think that film I just described has three hilarious sequels so … maybe the world is worse off in the long run.

And for this film we watched the very very (very) odd Stephen Baldwin film Bitter Harvest. So … what is this film? I can actually see why Stephen Baldwin did this film. On paper I’m sure it seemed pretty good. I’m sure the sex scenes weren’t so … explicit in writing. And it seems like a juicy part in that you are playing a somewhat odd and complex character. The thing that lets it down are the music is bonkers, and the sex scenes are graphic and unrelenting. You eliminate both of those and get a real director on this thing and it is possible you had a small forgotten indie on your hands instead of a small forgotten and tragically bad indie. You know what I mean? Anyways, I think this is a solid D. I would recommend this to no one. It is weird and you can find interesting stuff in it, but it is also crazy boring and took me a week to get through. This is a zero out of five on the how-you-say Soldier Boyz racism scale.

Obviously a Product Placement (What?) for the US Military Industrial Complex, just like with Top Gun. A pretty funny Fictional Setting (Where?) for definitely-not-Libya. I think the father is a living, breathing MacGuffin (Why?), because screw it. And I do love the amazing Worst Twist (How?) for Chappy being inexplicably alive at the end. This film is Good and I’ll fight anyone who thinks otherwise.

Read about my reboot in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Iron Eagle Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I was pulling like 1000 Gs in my stolen jet fighter when, naturally, my brain exploded and I blacked out. Now I can’t remember a thing. Am I dead? Regardless, do you remember what happened in Iron Eagle?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the beginning of the film Doug is waiting for a letter. From whom and what about?

2) So what race does he then participate in and who wins?

3) Right after though Doug’s dad is captured in definitely-not-Libya and sentenced to die. How many days does he have before he’s hanged?

4) Welp, if the military isn’t going to do anything, then Doug will! Doug then meets Chappy. Where does his meet him and why does Chappy agree to help him?

5) So what’s the plan, how are they getting his father out of this definitely-not-Libyan prison?

Bonus Question: You;re in the theater waiting for those sweet trailers to drop. When suddenly … is that Doug Masters music I hear?

Answers

Iron Eagle Preview

September 1st, 1997

Jamie and Patrick are looking phat. Belt buckles? Large. Jeans? Dusty. Mountain Dew? X-treme. They are trying out stylez in their tween years and let’s just say, it’s working. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “Bad things? Again?” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of the sky and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is their imagination) they ventured forth and found themselves at the local hot air balloon park (or ‘loon park, as the kids say). Soon they are up in the air, free as a couple of dope looking birds feeling the wind blowing through their hair. Just when it seems they are about to reach a profound personal and professional moment of clarity a small airplane buzzes right by their ‘loon, nearly tossing them right out of the ‘loon basket (or ‘lasket, as the kids say). “What thuuuuu?” Jamie says, while Patrick shakes his fist at their tormeters. “Those must be the high school boyfriends of those girls we were scoping in the other ‘lasket”, Patrick says, pointing to the neighboring ‘lasket that happened to be carrying a couple of bodacious babes. Patrick and Jamie would have tried to explain that they actually already had girlfriends in the Niagara Falls area, but the pilot was long gone, having already accomplished his mission. “We look like fools,” Jamie says, ripping his shirt clean off. “Au contraire,” Patrick says and quickly reminds Jamie of the last time they were buzzed by a couple of hot dogging pilots. “Oh right, we rulez-ed those foolz,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined. With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory. That’s right! We are entering the hazard sector and checking out the classic Top Gun rip-off (kind of) Iron Eagle. We decided to pair that with a very strange Stephen Baldwin flick called Bitter Harvest. So we’re going to have a very normal time watching this very normal double feature. Let’s go!

Iron Eagle (1986) – BMeTric: 40.7; Notability: 45

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.4%; Notability: top 4.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 10.3%; Higher BMeT: Howard the Duck, Troll, King Kong Lives, Maximum Overdrive, Raw Deal, Solarbabies, Firewalker, Poltergeist II: The Other Side, Sorority House Massacre, Club Paradise, Iron Eagle; Higher Notability: Howard the Duck, Jumpin’ Jack Flash, The Golden Child, Poltergeist II: The Other Side, Invaders from Mars, A Fine Mess, Ratboy, Raw Deal, Solarbabies, Club Paradise, Armed and Dangerous, The Clan of the Cave Bear; Lower RT: 8 Million Ways to Die, Solarbabies, King Kong Lives, Band of the Hand, American Anthem, Sorority House Massacre, Deadtime Stories, Nobody’s Fool, Firewalker, The Clan of the Cave Bear, Armed and Dangerous, TerrorVision, Dangerously Close, Club Paradise, Quicksilver, Howard the Duck, Tai-Pan, Maximum Overdrive, The Delta Force, Soul Man, and 3 more; Notes: Obviously the most interesting one is Soul Man (which played an astonishing 58 times, and the New York Times highlighted as “fast and funny” … no words). Anyways, I’m joking. I will say Band of the Hand is very weird looking (played 18 times), and the highest I looked at was The Golden Child (playing 92 times). I think mostly I was surprised to see how many times something like Solarbabies (21) or American Anthem (30) were played. This played more like Golden Child at a crazy 91 times, probably as a cheap action flick to play on HBO or USA. Premiered primetime, channel 11, on November 20, 1991. And that’s right! It was doing the Home Video Special! It played November 20, 1990, and then November 22 and 23, 1991, but otherwise not at all until 1993. Kind of weird, because it definitely shows that that strat predated Home Alone.

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – Dum-dum comic-book movie about an 18-year-old who commandeers an F-16 fighter jet and flies to the Middle East (playing rock music on his Walkman all the way) in order to save his dad, who’s been taken prisoner. Full of jingoistic ideals, dubious ethics, and people who die and miraculously come back to life. Not boring, just stupid. Followed by three sequels.

(Fun fact: the first three films received the same grade by Leonard. It is dum-dum indeed, and for the record, Louis Gosset Jr. isn’t a zombie at the end, he just has a dumb twist ending where his noble and inspiring deal was instead a noble and inspiring not-death.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0S2CdOrSJ-8/

(Already love the soundtrack. And I’m loving this guy’s ‘tude. Whatever, I already love this movie. Screw it. Also Suchet, bam, love it. They are using that “Academy Award Winner” status for Gosset Jr. for all it’s worth too.)

Directors – Sidney J. Furie – ( Known For: The Entity; The Ipcress File; My 5 Wives; Little Fauss and Big Halsy; The Appaloosa; The Boys in Company C; Lady Sings the Blues; Iron Eagle II; The Leather Boys; Purple Hearts; The Taking of Beverly Hills; Sheila Levine Is Dead and Living in New York; Night of the Juggler; Hit!; Iron Eagle on the Attack; The Naked Runner; Hollow Point; Rock My World; Doctor Blood’s Coffin; Gable and Lombard; Future BMT: Ladybugs; BMT: Superman IV: The Quest for Peace; Iron Eagle; Notes: Wild career, lots of action which then petered out with a few Dolph Lundgren direct to videos in the 00s. But he also directed episodes of 18 Wheels of Justice. The very meandering IMDb plot synopsis is worth a read. And yeah, its premiere was highlighted in the January 12, 2000 NY Times listing on TNN.)

Writers – Kevin Alyn Elders – ( Known For: Echelon Conspiracy; Iron Eagle II; Future BMT: Aces: Iron Eagle III; BMT: Iron Eagle; Notes: The trailer for Echelon Conspiracy is something else. He also directed Simon Sez which is nuts.)

Sidney J. Furie – ( Known For: The Boys in Company C; Iron Eagle II; Purple Hearts; The Taking of Beverly Hills; The Rage; The Lawyer; Night of Passion; A Dangerous Age; Future BMT: Aces: Iron Eagle III; BMT: Iron Eagle; Notes: He is incredibly old. He was born in 1933 and he was writing on television series in the 50s. Pretty wild that in his 50s he was writing-directing Iron Eagle of all things.)

Actors – Louis Gossett Jr. – ( Known For: An Officer and a Gentleman; The Punisher; Toy Soldiers; The Deep; Enemy Mine; The Principal; Travels with My Aunt; Diggstown; Three Months; The Perfect Game; The Choirboys; A Raisin in the Sun; The Landlord; The Laughing Policeman; Undercover Grandpa; Iron Eagle II; Left Behind III: World at War; Cover; Not to Forget; Finders Keepers; Future BMT: Blue Chips; Firewalker; Daddy’s Little Girls; Why Did I Get Married Too?; Delgo; Aces: Iron Eagle III; A Good Man in Africa; BMT: Jaws 3-D; Iron Eagle; Notes: He won an Oscar for An Officer and a Gentleman, and then he starting cashing dem checks. He obviously has an excellent filmography, I just also know he did a ton of garbage in the 90s. More power to him.)

Jason Gedrick – ( Known For: Risky Business; Backdraft; Born on the Fourth of July; Bad Boys; Iron Eagle II; Promised Land; Crossing the Bridge; The Zoo Gang; One Eyed King; War Flowers; Power 98; Massive Retaliation; Future BMT: The Heavenly Kid; Rooftops; BMT: Iron Eagle; Summer Catch; Notes: Incredibly, he’s an actual actor still. Not typical for these types of teen roles. He was in 10 episodes of Dexter.)

David Suchet – ( Known For: Flushed Away; The Bank Job; Executive Decision; Harry and the Hendersons; A Perfect Murder; Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes; Effie Gray; The Missionary; The Falcon and the Snowman; Foolproof; The Little Drummer Girl; Flood; A World Apart; To Kill A Priest; When the Whales Came; Trenchcoat; Sunday; Future BMT: American Assassin; Arthur and the Invisibles; The In-Laws; BMT: Iron Eagle; Wing Commander; Notes: Y’all know David Suchet! … right? Poirot? Whatever, he tends to play bad guys when they need someone vaguely Middle Eastern (which he isn’t. See this film, or Executive Decision), or someone French (which he isn’t. But Poirot is Belgian, which means he can play the French villain in Harry and the Hendersons).)

Budget/Gross – $18 million / Domestic: $24,159,872 (Worldwide: $24,159,872)

(That ain’t bad, and now we see why this film has two crazier sequels.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 20% (1/5)

(Oooooooo, a little synopsis for me? A blatant rip-off of Top Gun, this somehow is even more absurd and imperialistic.)

NY Times Short Review: Conventional but diverting Middle East kidnap-adventure.

Poster – Fred ‘Iron’ Segal

(This is an A+… if it were the cover of a dime store thriller. Ha! C-.)

Tagline(s) – Break the sound barrier. Break the speed barrier. (F… but actually a nonsensical C-)

(Oh, so you didn’t want to write out the thousand words that are actually on the poster? I don’t even know where this one comes from, but it’s miles better than the poster’s “tagline.” Because I’m a professional I have to give this an F because it’s not the tagline I see.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.0 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.2 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.3 Club Paradise (1986), 38.8 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.8 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.7 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.7 Leviathan (1989), 34.3 Spring Break (1983)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Lock Up (1989), Magic in the Water (1995), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Best Options (Action): 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.0 Iron Eagle (1986), 38.8 Fled (1996), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 27.9 Krull (1983), 25.7 Any Which Way You Can (1980), 25.7 The Cowboy Way (1994), 24.6 A Low Down Dirty Shame (1994), 24.5 A Fine Mess (1986), 20.8 Kickboxer (1989), 18.5 Stick (1985), 12.1 Only the Strong (1993), 8.0 Let It Ride (1989)

(Hellllllll yeah. Love to see it. We’ll hit up a bunch of these in the future. Krull in particular is a weird but very fun film I would like to revisit at some point.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Tim Thomerson is No. 4 billed in Iron Eagle and No. 5 billed in Rhinestone, which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (4 + 5) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 18. If we were to watch American Dreamz we can get the HoE Number down to 15.

Notes – During the Snake Scene, in which Doug Masters races his Cessna 150 against a motorcycle-riding Knotcher, the pilot of the Cessna 150 Aerobat was renowned aerobatic pilot Art Scholl. He was killed later that year when his Pitts S-2 camera plane crashed while filming in-cockpit footage for the flat spin sequence in Top Gun (1986).

The character of Colonel Charles “Chappy” Sinclair was inspired by the real life U.S. Air Force General Daniel “Chappie” James, Jr. General Chappie James was a member of the famed all-black Tuskegee Airmen, and also flew fighter jets in the Korean War and the Vietnam War. He later became the first black four-star General in U.S. history.

In some scenes, some of the ordinance carried on the F-16s was real, rather than props. At one point during filming the Israeli Air Force (IAF) was called upon to carry out a strike against terrorist targets in Lebanon. A ground controller saw a pair of IAF F-16s already in the air with the required load-out, and vectored them toward the target. They were halfway to the target when someone realized the aircraft that had been ordered to attack were attached to the film shoot, and that the planes were emblazoned with American markings and insignia. They were recalled from the strike in time to avoid an international incident.

This film was originally intended to be released in the summer of 1986, but the release was pushed up to January to avoid competition and confusion with Top Gun (1986).

Morgan Freeman auditioned for the role of Chappy Sinclair.

High School High Recap

Jamie

This cycle is great because it allows me to just look back in the New York Times listings and really get a feel for the time when a film like High School High was on television (September 1st, 1999). You’d probably think High School High was some afternoon affair, but no. It was on primetime on Fox going against The Man Without a Face (spoiler alert, he actually has a face). This is probably because early September is rerun time, so gotta get your ratings from a Jon Lovitz laughfest. If I had to highlight one other film it would be The Escape starring Patrick Dempsey. Still about 3 years from Sweet Home Alabama the film is probably the nadir of Dempsey’s career. I’m more interested in the fact that everywhere you look for a synopsis of the film you find essentially the same, boring thing: wrongfully convicted man escapes prison after 10 years of misery. Not NYTimes, though, no. “A prison security chief pursues a convict that escaped with hopes of opening a jazz nightclub.” No mention of wrongful conviction there… but gotta make sure the jazz nightclub makes the cut. Amazing.

To recap, Dick Clark (ha!) is a rich boy fed up with the silver spoon he was born with. He wants to test his novel teaching ideas (basically, “try”) outside of the private school his father runs. When he shows up at Marion Barry High School, though, he is shocked to find the conditions are horrible, the kids don’t listen, and there is an ongoing drug war. But no matter, Dick uses his plucky go-getter attitude to dive into the midst of it all. He identifies Griff as an underachiever and once he’s on board (and aspiring to college) the rest of the class follows suit. Dick even starts a relationship with his fellow teacher, Victoria. Things are looking up! But the drug gang and their mysterious crime boss, Mr. A, are having none of it and tamper with the students’ test scores. After everyone fails the students give up and Dick is fired. Griff, now disillusioned with school, joins the gang to sell drugs. When Victoria and Dick find out that the tests were messed with they rush to Griff’s rescue. They find out Mr. A is none other than the eeevil principal of the school (what a twist!) and a fight ensues. Once that’s wrapped up they get everything corrected, Dick becomes principal, the students head off the college, and Dick and Victoria smooch a bunch probably. THE END.

If that sounded like a rather sweet and serious film rather than a spoof of the sweet and serious films it’s meant to be mocking you aren’t wrong. High School High certainly starts out with a bunch of jokes. Mostly they are somewhat clever visual gags, which are part of why I have a vague recollection of liking the film when I saw it as a kid. The weird thing is that once we get into the meat of the plot it veers into something that is largely indistinguishable from something like Dangerous Minds. The mistake is that Lovitz’s character is just too sweet and good natured. Ultimately he has a happy ending because he’s on the right side of everything. He’s not even a buffoon or nothing. Just a good guy. I would think the real spoof of the genre would be to turn the ‘white savior’ trope upside down and make the guy kind of dopey, so dopey in fact that the students realize that if a buffoon like that can become a teacher then they definitely can too. Not the case, though. Fortunately it’s not nearly as offensive as it could be… in fact I think the poster is the most offensive aspect when compared to anything actually in the film. As for Soldier Boyz, hooooooooo doggy. Now that’s a Bring a Friend. That film is wild. It’s about how Michael Dudikoff is tasked with rescuing a woman from a rebel group in Southeast Asia and insists on taking a bunch of juvenile delinquents along with a promise of freedom for any who survive. That… that’s simply deranged. The whole film is deranged. I can’t believe it exists. If you are looking for something real dumbo to watch then check out this one. It’s a gem.

Hot Take Clam Bake! You know what guys? I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Jon Lovitz and Tia Carrere… not gonna make it. I know, I know. Hard to believe, but it’s true. The real issue that will come up is that Lovitz just cares too much (which is also, coincidentally, my biggest flaw). So he’s gonna be looking around and thinking “if it worked here, it can work anywhere,” and that’s a slippery slope to “if it worked here, it can work EVERYWHERE.” If you’re trying to make something work everywhere you just don’t have time for your lady love. Soon she must say goodbye and find love with someone who can give her the love and attention she needs. Alas… alas. Hot Take Temperature: Jon Lovitz.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Wait a minute … are we talking about Jon Lovitz in the leading role of an over-the-hill Zucker spoof-that-seems-more-earnest-than-a-spoof? Let’s go!

This film seems how-you-say … racist? But I’ll let film scholars debate the merits of High School High’s commentary on the public school system and race via spoof.

And yeah, this movie has a plot so similar to prior BMT film Dangerous Minds that it makes you wonder by the end whether they got cold feet and made it earnest on purpose or what. Because the back third of this film is kind of just a film about Lovitz getting through to these kids and teaching them the value of an honest education.

The beginning is decently funny. Some funny gags and they do an okay job with making the school ludicrous. The back half of the film on the other hand … well, we already went into the earnest part, but the real crime is the film just completely stops being funny once it needs to have a little heart at all.

I should mention that I’ve seen this film a few times. It was on Comedy Central quite a lot when we were growing up. I don’t remember it being funny then though. So I guess it isn’t quite an Ace Ventura scenario in that sense.

This was well and truly the last gasp of Zucker as well. He would write Baseketball (but that isn’t a spoof really), and then start working on G.O.P. ad campaigns a few years later and that was all she wrote.

Now as for our Friend this week Soldier Boyz, hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo doggy (to borrow a phrase from Jamie, but mine is better because it was longer). Uh … this movie is how-you-say … racist? Was there something wrong with us in the 90s … you know what, this is a larger conversation we don’t need to get into, focus. This movie is insane. Imagine a film where the actual message is “how do I get through to these literally murderer teenagers … I got it! Take them on a life-or-death mission to Vietnam and have them pretend to be soldiers (boyz) to win a ticket to freedom! We did it, gang!” It might just be the craziest idea I’ve ever seen. It is ludicrous. All the people (including Dudikoff) are bad people. But yet I can’t look away, there is just something so bizarrely 90s about it. A- I think. Just some of the best-worst acting and off the hook plotting for an action film ever. A must for all those dudikated Dudikoff-heads out there.

Let’s see. Product Placement (What?) for the 1959 Chevrolet Corvette C1, don’t even ask, I’m counting it. Setting as a Character (Where?) for California obviously. And Worst Twist (How?) as well for the inevitable reveal that Louise Fletcher was the bad guy all along. Amazing, her first ever role as an evil person. Anyways, this is a Good film, like kind of funny at times, Lovitz is quite charming, it is fine for a 90s spoof, just not very funny, just kinda.

Read all about the sequel to High School High in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

High School High Quiz

Oh boy, so get this. I wanted to prove to my dad that I “had it”, so I went and worked in an underfunded school. Well when I got there I immediately got bashed in the head and now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in High School High?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Prior to moving to Marion Berry High, where does Lovitz work and what is his position?

2) Our actual hero is Griff I think. He’s out of the game and has relinquished control of his gang, the school, and the drug trade to Paco. Why has Griff gotten out of the game?

3) What the bad guys show up at the school dance (they aren’t even in school!), Lovitz proposes a solution that everyone agrees is a great idea: A drag race! Who wins?

4) Big Test time, but unfortunately everyone failed! Fine, they all passed, but the bad guys swapped the tests. Why?

5) So who is Mr. A and how did they get into the drug biz?

Bonus Question: So how long does Lovitz and Tia Carrera’s relationship last?

Answers

High School High Preview

September 1st, 1998

Jamie and Patrick are looking dope. Collars? Popped. Jean short? Tight. Coca-cola? Ice cold. It’s nearing the end of middle school and they are grabbing onto one last taste of childhood. Their dad had one word of advice for them on the eve of this momentous year: “Try to watch less bad things, perhaps.” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of the beach and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, obviously) they ventured forth and found themselves feeling the sand between their toes and the rays hitting their chest. As a couple of sweet babes walk by they lower their shades and do a patented Twin Double Take, a.k.a. The Quadruple Take. Suddenly they feel a hand on their shoulder. “You guys checking out our babes?” A couple of beefy high school bros asks them. His tone suggests they shouldn’t answer truthfully. They explain that they were simply checking out their swimsuits since they believe they would look great on their girlfriends. They assure them that they will buy said swimsuits for the next time they are in the Niagara Falls area, but this doesn’t fool the beefy bros and Jamie and Patrick find themselves upside down in a trash can. “We can’t abide this!” Jamie says, slamming his tiny fists with a metal clang. The beefy bros’ mistake was insulting their very real girlfriends who happen to live in Niagara Falls. “Time to get even and schoolz these foolz,” Jamie says, pulling out a very cool phrase he coined. With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Twin Memory in order to recall the last time they had to pound some high school fiends. That’s right! We are back in the saddle of the Daddio cycle for High School High. It’s a Dangerous Minds style parody film starring Jon Lovitz that aired on TV on September 1st, 1999. I recall seeing it as a kid, but don’t remember much about it. It aired the same day as the Michael Dudikoff film Soldier Boyz. It’s a film that I honestly can’t believe is real. Let’s go!

High School High (1996) – BMeTric: 40.1; Notability: 48

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 12.0%; Notability: top 7.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 19.7%; Higher BMeT: Barb Wire, Kazaam, Striptease, Bio-Dome, The Island of Dr. Moreau, The Crow: City of Angels, Ed, Hellraiser: Bloodline, The Stupids, Spy Hard, Mr. Wrong, Poison Ivy II, D3: The Mighty Ducks, Solo, The Glimmer Man, First Kid, Eddie, Chain Reaction, Dunston Checks In, Maximum Risk, and 10 more; Higher Notability: The Fan, Jingle All the Way, Spy Hard, Chain Reaction, Daylight, Up Close & Personal, Mulholland Falls, Eddie, The Associate, Dear God, Eye for an Eye, Sgt. Bilko, The Island of Dr. Moreau, The Crow: City of Angels, The Adventures of Pinocchio, Space Truckers, Larger Than Life, Girl 6; Lower RT: The Dentist, Big Bully, Ripe, Bio-Dome, Kazaam, Ed, Faithful, Mr. Wrong, Spy Hard, Eye for an Eye, Bulletproof, Solo, Celtic Pride, Curdled, House Arrest, The Glimmer Man, The Crow: City of Angels, In Love and War, Larger Than Life, Down Periscope, and 26 more; Notes: Played 38 times, premiering on December 5th, primetime on Showtime. Some oddities: Spy Hard played 0 times on television despite coming out in 1996, that seems odd, but I’m 99% this is true. Daylight also played once, but that makes more sense since they were holding big films for rental by that point.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – High School High” opens with a big laugh (“Produced by the producer formerly known as David Zucker”) and goes downhill. Zucker, associated with the “Naked Gun” movies, wants to do the same thing here for the urban high school genre, but the movie makes two mistakes: (1) It isn’t very funny, and (2) it makes the crucial error of taking its story seriously and angling for a happy ending.

(Oh … was that the big laugh? The first third of the film is decent. Not funny, but pretty amusing at times, and Lovtiz I think is a surprisingly good leading comedy actor. The second part makes sense though, I do mostly remember it getting pretty earnest in the end.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4ZUi1mEbG0/

(Ha the Dangerous Minds start is great. I remember this trailer so well. It feels like it should be funny. But it also feels like it is going to be super duper racist.)

Directors – Hart Bochner – ( Known For: PCU; Just Add Water; BMT: High School High; Notes: He appears to have become an actor almost exclusively after this, including ten episodes of The Starter Wife. He was Ellis in Die Hard, who I think was the coke guy, which is hilarious.)

Writers – David Zucker – ( Known For: Airplane!; The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!; Top Secret!; Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult; The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear; BASEketball; The Kentucky Fried Movie; Future BMT: An American Carol; BMT: Scary Movie V; High School High; Notes: He’s tried a few spoof films more recently and they don’t really work (I’m looking at you American Carol). It seems like his career got sidelined a bit when he started to explicitly work on Republican ads.)

Robert LoCash – ( Known For: Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult; BASEketball; CB4; Bad Girls from Valley High; BMT: High School High; Notes: He wrote a bunch of the Zucker spoofs. He also wrote the iOS game The Naked Gun: I.C.U.P. which is maybe intriguing, although I assume it is basically lost to time at this point.)

Pat Proft – ( Known For: Real Genius; The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!; Hot Shots!; Bachelor Party; Hot Shots! Part Deux; Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult; The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear; Police Academy 3: Back in Training; Police Academy: Mission to Moscow; Moving Violations; Brain Donors; Lucky Stiff; Future BMT: Scary Movie 3; Scary Movie 4; Wrongfully Accused; Mr. Magoo; BMT: Police Academy; Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment; Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol; Scary Movie V; Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach; Police Academy 6: City Under Siege; High School High; Notes: The rumor was Zucker and him were going to make a new Naked Gun, although I wonder if that was right around when Scary Movie V was released and the fact that that was a huge catastrophe basically stopped that from happening.)

Actors – Jon Lovitz – ( Known For: Matilda; A League of Their Own; Big; The Wedding Singer; Happiness; Three Amigos!; Hotel Transylvania; Rat Race; Hotel Transylvania 2; The Producers; Southland Tales; Cats & Dogs; The Brave Little Toaster; I Could Never Be Your Woman; Sandy Wexler; An American Tail: Fievel Goes West; Extinct; Small Time Crooks; Hamburger: The Motion Picture; Casino Jack; Future BMT: Coneheads; The Stepford Wives; Loaded Weapon 1; My Stepmother Is an Alien; Jumpin’ Jack Flash; Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star; Mr. Destiny; Eight Crazy Nights; Mom and Dad Save the World; Trapped in Paradise; City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold; BMT: Grown Ups 2; Little Nicky; The Ridiculous 6; Mother’s Day; The Benchwarmers; North; 3000 Miles to Graceland; High School High; Lost & Found; Notes: Obviously well known for his years on SNL, and also for voicing The Critic. What I know of him now he basically has his comedy club in L.A. and does stuff there. Nominated for two Emmys as part of SNL.)

Tia Carrere – ( Known For: True Lies; Lilo & Stitch; Wayne’s World; Wayne’s World 2; Showdown in Little Tokyo; Easter Sunday; You May Not Kiss the Bride; Wild Cherry; My Teacher’s Wife; Hard Breakers; Zombie Nightmare; Showdown in Manila; The Immortals; Gutshot Straight; Merlin: The Return; Aloha Summer; Top of the World; Hollow Point; Back in the Day; The Legend of Hallowaiian; Future BMT: Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man; Jury Duty; Kull the Conqueror; BMT: Rising Sun; High School High; Notes: Mostly a television actress now. She was discovered in a grocery store in Hawaii. Sang on the soundtrack of Wayne’s World.)

Louise Fletcher – ( Known For: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest; Cruel Intentions; Exorcist II: The Heretic; The Player; Two Moon Junction; 2 Days in the Valley; Blue Steel; Brainstorm; Grizzly II: Revenge; The Cheap Detective; Thieves Like Us; The Lady in Red; Strange Invaders; A Map of the World; Return to Two Moon Junction; Big Eden; Strange Behavior; A Gathering of Eagles; Cassadaga; The Last Sin Eater; Future BMT: Flowers in the Attic; Mulholland Falls; Invaders from Mars; Best of the Best; Gone Fishin’; BMT: Virtuosity; Firestarter; On Deadly Ground; High School High; Notes: Won the Oscar for One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. She died in 2022. I’ll let you get into her personal life “controversies” if you want, they seem mild by today’s standards.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $21,302,121 (Worldwide: $21,302,121)

(That isn’t bad, but probably wasn’t actually considered good at the time for an SNL alum. Sandler was already hitting decent numbers at this point. Still, most than I would have expected.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 19% (3/16)

(Oh good a consensus: A one-joke movie, and that joke isn’t very funny anyways. That about sums it up.)

NY Times Short Review: Senseless plot, blunderbuss comedy.

Poster – High School Sigh

(Oooooohhhhhh boy. I gotta give that an F out of principle. My word.)

Tagline(s) – There’s a new teacha in the hood! (F)

(Nope. No. Not a chance.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), The Godfather (1972), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Back to the Future Part II (1989), Dead Poets Society (1989), Citizen Kane (1941), Platoon (1986), The Game (1997), Dumb and Dumber (1994), O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)

Future BMT: 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 61.2 Pet Sematary II (1992), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.0 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 49.2 My Girl 2 (1994), 47.7 Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.5 Man of the House (1995), 43.6 The Final Conflict (1981), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.5 Speed Zone (1989), 41.0 Iron Eagle (1986), 38.2 My Father the Hero (1994), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 36.9 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.8 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.7 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.7 Leviathan (1989)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Cyborg (1989), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Hard to Kill (1990), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), Hackers (1995), Lock Up (1989), Magic in the Water (1995), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Best Options (Comedy): 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.0 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 49.2 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.5 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.5 Speed Zone (1989), 40.0 High School High (1996), 38.2 My Father the Hero (1994), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 35.8 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.7 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.3 Man’s Best Friend (1993), 34.2 Spring Break (1983), 34.1 Father Hood (1993), 33.3 Drop Dead Fred (1991), 33.3 Mom and Dad Save the World (1992), 33.2 The Jerky Boys (1995), 32.2 It Takes Two (1995), 31.9 High Spirits (1988), 31.2 Arthur and the Invisibles (2006), 30.9 Another You (1991), 30.3 Who’s Harry Crumb? (1989), 29.7 Spaced Invaders (1990), 28.7 About My Father (2023), 28.0 Fools Rush In (1997), 26.1 Airheads (1994), 26.1 Baby’s Day Out (1994), 26.0 Feds (1988), 24.6 A Low Down Dirty Shame (1994), 24.4 A Fine Mess (1986), 24.4 Sibling Rivalry (1990), 23.1 Clean Slate (1994), 22.6 Moonlight and Valentino (1995), 20.1 Art School Confidential (2006), 19.1 Folks! (1992), 18.9 Threesome (1994), 18.8 Moving (1988), 17.8 Brewster’s Millions (1985), 17.3 Hexed (1993), 16.7 Mr. Destiny (1990), 16.0 Opportunity Knocks (1990), 11.6 With Honors (1994), 8.0 Let It Ride (1989)

(Oh … Jury Duty. But no, fine we don’t need to do that won … but like Jury Duty though? Why didn’t we do Jury Duty again? I do love the plot. The 00s films are all “Dad” or “Father” films basically. Just kind of funny in that it is two different plots smushed together.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Tia Carrere is No. 2 billed in High School High and No. 3 billed in Rising Sun, which also stars Wesley Snipes (No. 2 billed) who is in Demolition Man (No. 2 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 3) + (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 18. If we were to watch Trapped in Paradise we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – The film is dedicated to Elisabeth Leustig and Lexie Bigham, both of whom were involved in the movie’s production and died in automobile crashes shortly after filming was completed. Bigham acted in the film, and Leustig was the film’s casting director.

Mekhi Phifer and Malinda Williams, who play love interests in this film, would later marry and have a son together. They divorced in 2003.

The car race (aka “Chicky Run”) between Griff (Mekhi Phifer) and Paco (Guillermo Diaz), where both drivers race to the edge of a cliff, with the first person jumping out of the car is considered the “chicken”, is similar to the race in the legendary film, Rebel Without a Cause (1955). Ironically, actress Natalie Wood who played Judy, the Chicky Run starter in the latter film, is the mother of actress Natasha Gregson Wagner, who played Julie Rubels, the pregnant teenage in Mr. Clark’s classroom, in this movie.

The film is dedicated to Elisabeth Leustig and Lexie Bigham.

Trey Parker turned down the chance to direct this movie even when he was a Hollywood unknown

Retribution Recap

Jamie

It’s been a wild ride for BMT Live! this year. Our qualification system is built for yesteryear and there are two compounding things occurring in films right now. One is that the way films are released is rapidly changing. Things go to streaming way quicker now (our last Live, Meg 2, is already there) and so often have very limited releases, which makes it way harder to understand what a “wide release” even is. Additionally (and more insidiously) films are just better reviewed now. There is some recent reporting from Vulture that reveals some of why that is, but the why is less important than the simple fact that we are rapidly approaching a critical point. There might very well be a year where we don’t even get 13 films with reviews poor enough to qualify for BMT (a minimum quota). I’m sure we’ll write a lot more about this in the future as there is only one word that adequately describes this dire situation: tragedy. Fortunately Liam Neeson is working diligently to help our cause. We thank him for his service (and hope that we don’t find out that we’re dealing with a Bruce Willis scenario).

To recap, Liam Neeson is a kind of skeezy hedge fund manager whose wife wants to divorce him and kids think is just a workaholic liar. They are correct as we find that his fund is in deep shit. But he’s about to find himself in even deeper shit when he gets a call and is told that a bomb has been placed under his car seat and will blow up if he tries to leave. Forced to follow the directions of the anonymous voice (and fearing for his kids’ lives, who also happen to be in the car) he drives his way around Berlin witnessing other cars explode from the comfort of his luxury Mercedes. Mercedes… if you can’t leave your car for fear of exploding, you better make it a Mercedes. First it’s a coworker of his and then it’s his partner, Anders. Additionally, he’s forced to have his wife pick up some money during which he finds out about the divorce. During one of the explosions his daughter is seriously injured and he becomes enraged. He turns into The Neeson and Tokyo Drifts his way into a tunnel where the lack of cell phone service allows him some separation from the voice. After allowing for his kids to be rescued, The Neeson Tokyo Drifts his way out of the tunnel and back in pursuit of the baddie. After luring him into the car it’s revealed to be Anders (what a twist!). He faked his death and is doing it for those sweet dollar dollar bills y’all. The Neeson is like “oh yeah?” and crashes his car in the perfect way to allow for him to escape and Anders to explode. Hooray! Although, he probably still gets divorced. THE END.

There are two things amusing about this film. One is just how similar it is to the BMT classic Getaway. Anonymous voice, vast conspiracy, family in trouble. We were both hoping beyond hope that this film would end in a similar way to that one: the voice reveals that it was all a ruse in order to allow Neeson to realize that he can still pursue his auto racing career. But alas, the twist here is much less goofy. The second is obviously the inevitable comparisons to the other recent Neeson action dreck. Interestingly, this came out pretty favorably in that regard. Blacklight is terrible and Memory has some interesting things in it (but is still pretty terrible). This moved everything along quick enough to not feel trapped in the movie theater (high praise, I know). Sure the acting is horrible and it’s dumb as rocks, but it doesn’t upset me like Meg 2: The Trench. If this is the direction (and director) they go with then maybe Neeson still has a few more in him.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Uh, I think you know what happened here. Liam Neeson is a bad dad. He’s a bad dad banking dad. Everyone hates him. He hates himself. He sees on the news in the morning that there was a car bombing. He starts to day dream. It’s a world where his kids are trapped in a car with him and they are threatened. Ultimately he saves the day and they say they love him and he gets to be the big hero that kills that asshole Anders (fucking Anders). As the film ends we zoom into Liam Neeson’s eye to reveal that this was all a dream. His wife is telling him that he better hurry if he wants to get the kids to school on time, which he does… and then he gets back to cheating people out of their money. His retribution was but a dream. Hot Take Temperature: the sizzling remains of a blown up Mercedes.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! I have a new joke for you. You know how old Liam Neeson is? (How old is he?! You all cheer). Oh man, Liam Neeson is so old he now spends 90% of an action film literally sitting down and not being allowed to get up under threat of death! Let’s go!

Boy oh boy. We do sometimes make some odd choices for Lives don’t we?

In our defense this time, this film was inevitable. This wasn’t Keeping up with the Joneses where we had no business watching this and could have just forgot it existed. A new Liam Neeson film? Welp, we have to watch that.

It is a bit perplexing. Other actors, of course, have done this. Done a bunch of schlock at the tail end of their careers for retirement cash. There is nothing wrong with that. The confusing bit is how are they getting wide releases? I really don’t get it. I would have thought Blacklight and this in particular would have gone the Ice Road route and been straight to streaming.

If I had to rank Blacklight, The Ice Road, Memory, Retribution, and The Commuter (to get an even 5) it would be: (1) The Commuter, a real movie and quite fun; (2) The Ice Road, entertaining for what it is with some decent actors; (3) Retribution, sure nothing is super novel here, but it is an entertaining idea at least, good for a stream; (4) Memory, I’ve come around a bit on this, even though I still don’t like the subject matter and I think Neeson’s acting choices are odd, they at least go for something; (5) Blacklight, useless garbage.

So mid-table for recent choices by Liam Neeson (that I’ve seen), which sounds right. The son isn’t a super great actor, and the twist is pretty dumb. But it goes at a good clip, and the underlying story feels a little thought through.

As I said, it was inevitable that we’d see it so it was unavoidable.

Theater review – As usual, quite good. I hear a lot about bad experiences these days, and I’m sure there are for Friday night horror films which would attract a lot of teens, but the days/times we go seem to be pretty light and I haven’t had a bad experience in the theater in quite a while. This was no different, although I was shocked that anyone was in the theater for a 2PM Labor Day showing of Retribution.

Obviously the film was huge on car Product Placement (What?) which included Neeson’s 100 thousand Euro Mercedes, and Modine’s Maserati. Great European Setting as a Character (Where?) for Berlin, which ended up being vital to the plot, what with their famously punctual train system. And a Worst Twist (How?) obviously for the reveal that Modine faked his own death in order to steal the 200 million Euro finance fund and frame Neeson for it. This is a Bad film, just not enough there to sustain any sort of BMT interest.

Read about my prequel to Retribution in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs