Meg 2: The Trench Preview

“This can’t get any worse,” Jamie mumbles, tears dripping down his face. Bottled water! Outrageous. He and Patrick had always promised that they would burn the company to the ground before betraying the mission of BMT. That mission includes ice cold Coca-Cola. It includes the X-treme flavor blast of Mountain Dew. It includes the Rocky Mountain taste of a cold Coors Light. But it sure as hell doesn’t include bottled water. “You can drink it straight out of the tap,” Patrick says, shaking his head. “You know what Kyle would have said to all of this,” Jamie says with a chuckle, and Patrick nods his head with a smirk. “Water schmater, water is for the birds.” Classic Kyle catchphrase. They turn to the Metaphorical Kyle with determination. “You’ve convinced us,” they say, “what do we do?” Kyle is a bit bemused. “You sure you don’t want to see what they do next? I mean, it’s way worse than bottled water. This is just a front for a much more dastardly plan.” They consider for a moment and then nod their heads. The Metaphorical Kyle whispers it in their ears and their eyes widen. “Boy that is way worse,” Patrick says, looking a little sick. “I actually wish you hadn’t told us that,” Jamie agrees, “In fact, let’s not talk about that part. We’ll just make sure they don’t get the company and start selling bottled water.” The Metaphorical Kyle shrugs his shoulders and gets ready to fly them back to the Apologies Tour brought to you by Tim Horton’s. As they are about to leave Jamie and Patrick recall the root of their hatred of bottled water. It’s a story not about water being for the birds, but rather… for the sharks. Bum bum bum. That’s right! We are finally getting the opportunity for a second BMT Live! Of the year with the sequel we’ve all been anticipating. Meg 2: The Trench! The first one didn’t qualify, but I thought it was horrible. Patrick liked it a little better. Let’s see if we agree on this one. Let’s go!

Meg 2: The Trench (2023) – BMeTric: 28.4; Notability: 24

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 6.8%; Notability: top 2.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 15.4%; Higher BMeT: Knights of the Zodiac, 65, The Black Demon, The Ritual Killer, The Out-Laws, White Men Can’t Jump, Hypnotic, House Party, Your Place or Mine, Maybe I Do, Ghosted, Insidious: The Red Door, The Tutor, Mafia Mamma, The Old Way, Paint, Johnny & Clyde; Higher Notability: Ghosted, House Party, Spinning Gold, Haunted Mansion, The Out-Laws, 65, Your Place or Mine; Lower RT: Dead Man’s Hand, Johnny & Clyde, The Ritual Killer, Assassin Club, On a Wing and a Prayer, The Tutor, The Out-Laws, Robots, Fear, Mafia Mamma, Knights of the Zodiac, Sweetwater, One True Loves, God Is a Bullet, Love Again, Ambush, White Men Can’t Jump, Ghosted, The Machine, House Party; Notes: Solid early BMeT, but the Notability is quite surprising. I don’t know why this wouldn’t involve more big name production. It has a big name director and ensemble cast. Who knows. House Party is probably one of the weirder ones that came out this year that we have a chance of seeing.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – Anyone hoping that Ben Wheatley might bring some of the exuberant personality and boundary-pushing creativity on display in films like “Kill List” and “In the Earth” to his for-hire gig directing the dismally boring “Meg 2: The Trench” should find different cinematic waters to swim in. Much as in his atrocious remake of “Rebecca” in 2020, Wheatley mostly phones it in here, and he does so with a rotary landline. At least until the final half-hour, when he’s finally free to unleash some monstrous chaos, this is one of the dullest films of the year, a plodding, poorly made giant shark movie that inexplicably lets the giant shark take a backseat to an evil underwater drilling operation. This thing just has no teeth.

(Yup, this is basically what I’ve heard on the street (aka online). That the film takes ages to get to the good stuff and for no discernible reason at all. But once it does it is pretty fun.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG91B3hHyY4/

(Yeah … so this was the prime example of where this trailer dropped and I was like “this looks horrible, if this isn’t qualifying there is no God.” I’m glad I still have it a bit. There seemed like there was an okay reception for it online, but when I saw it I just couldn’t help but think it looked terrible.)

Directors – Ben Wheatley – ( Known For: Free Fire; In the Earth; Rebecca; Kill List; High-Rise; Sightseers; The ABCs of Death; A Field in England; Happy New Year, Colin Burstead; Down Terrace; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Notes: British. He wife co-wrote High-Rise which he directed. Started by making viral videos, his films are considered somewhat “visionary” for horror fans. Except Rebecca which people seem to have not liked at all.)

Writers – Jon Hoeber and Erich Hoeber – ( Known For: Transformers: Rise of the Beasts; The Meg; RED; RED 2; My Spy; Montana; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Battleship; Whiteout; Notes: Boo, we were pretty close to a twofer with Transformers: Rise of the Beasts for BMT Live. Kind of wild that we’ve kind of accidentally completed their BMT filmography.)

Dean Georgaris – ( Known For: The Meg; The Manchurian Candidate; Future BMT: Tristan + Isolde; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Paycheck; Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life; Notes: Been making crap action for a while now. Does a bit of television as well, including two episodes of the new Quantum Leap.)

Steve Alten – ( Known For: The Meg; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Notes: Wrote the books. Was at one point the assistant basketball coach for the University of Delaware. Has a degree in Physical Education.)

Actors – Jason Statham – ( Known For: The Meg; Fast X; Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre; Snatch; Wrath of Man; F9: The Fast Saga; Collateral; Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels; Homefront; Furious 7; Spy; The Italian Job; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; The Expendables; The Fate of the Furious; Furious 6; Safe; The Transporter; Transporter 2; Parker; Future BMT: The Pink Panther; War; The One; Turn It Up; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Crank; The Expendables 3; Mechanic: Resurrection; Crank: High Voltage; Killer Elite; In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Ghosts of Mars; Notes: Ah Statham. Should I do it? Why not: was an Olympic caliber high diver competing for England in the Commonwealth Games.)

Jing Wu – ( Known For: Ride On; The Wandering Earth II; The Wandering Earth; Wolf Warrior; Kill Zone; The Battle at Lake Changjin; Shaolin; Wolf Warrior 2; The Climbers; Kill Zone 2; Water Gate Bridge; Badges of Fury; Legendary Assassin; My Country, My Parents; The Sacrifice; My People, My Country; Invisible Target; Call of Heroes; Home Coming; Twins Mission; Future BMT: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Notes: Trained at the Beijing Wushu Academy because his father and grandfather were both martial artists. Was then spotted by a talent scout looking for martial artists for a film.)

Shuya Sophia Cai – ( Known For: The Meg; Somewhere Only We Know; BMT: Meg 2: The Trench; Notes: Oh this is the kid … I would have thought the mother / love interest would have been the second or third lead. Whatever, she lives in New Zealand and is fluent in both Mandarin and English.)

Budget/Gross – $129 million / Domestic: $12,000,000 (Worldwide: $12,000,000)

(Obviously this is just the first weekend. It seems like it is going to basically make its reported budget worldwide in the first weekend, which I think means it’ll just barely be profitable? But I don’t know how much is the somewhat less profitable Chinese market, so unclear. The CinemaScore being quite bad means it could miss it due to word of mouth as well.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 29% (34/117): It isn’t without its fun moments, but Meg 2: The Trench suffers from a disjointed story that drifts for too long before finally delivering a few campy thrills.

(Yes, the thing I’ve seen is basically that the first hour operates like Jaws … but you’ve already seen the giant shark in the first one? So it ends up being quite dull until the last act when it picks up. B- CinemaScore which is terrible, and the verified user ratings are also quite bad.)

NY Times Short Review: This lively sequel to 2018’s somewhat tepid killer-shark blockbuster greatly improves upon its predecessor by getting gorier, funnier and more stylish.

Poster – Meg 2: Resurrection

(I want to hate this poster, but it’s kinda good. God damn it. B.)

Tagline(s) – New Meg. Old Chum. (A+)

(Even the tagline is good. And it’s not even good… it’s great! What the hell.)

Keyword(s) – shark

Top 10: Finding Nemo (2003), Toy Story (1995), Jurassic World (2015), Life of Pi (2012), Jaws (1975), Despicable Me (2010), Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005), Aquaman (2018), Shrek 2 (2004), Despicable Me 2 (2013)

Future BMT: 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 59.7 My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006), 36.3 Into the Blue (2005), 34.7 Leviathan (1989), 34.2 Suspect Zero (2004), 34.1 Shark Tale (2004), 33.8 Along Came Polly (2004), 33.5 Armed and Dangerous (1986), 25.9 After the Sunset (2004), 23.7 Pirates (1986), 21.5 Colombiana (2011), 19.4 Kick-Ass 2 (2013), 19.3 Ice Age: Continental Drift (2012), 16.9 The Beach (2000)

BMT: Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Jaws 3-D (1983), Movie 43 (2013), Are We Done Yet? (2007), Chairman of the Board (1998), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Strange Wilderness (2008), Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life (2003), Serenity (2019), Gamer (2009), Mechanic: Resurrection (2016), Battleship (2012), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Meg 2: The Trench (2023)

Best Options (Year 2023): 11.5 Meg 2: The Trench (2023)

(Wait, this is the only Shark film this year that qualifies?! No, I knew that. I just wanted the funny sub-genre of 2023 shark films. Looking at BMT obviously the Jawses work, but otherwise I think the rest kind of incidentally have a shark. Shark Night looks like the only other “real” shark film that qualifies.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 6) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jason Statham is No. 1 billed in Meg 2: The Trench and No. 1 billed in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 6. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – While speaking to entertainment site DenOfGeek in April 2021, director Ben Wheatley hinted that the film might see Jason Statham facing off against not one but several giant, prehistoric sharks.

The Meg 2 has been in the works since October 2018, essentially right after the original movie released. By early 2019, producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura confirmed that a script was in the works, and the sequel gained momentum in October 2020, when Ben Wheatley was announced as The Meg 2 director. The English filmmaker is best known for helming horror movies such as Kill List (2011), Sightseers (2012) and In The Earth (2021). Wheatley has also explored other genres with High-Rise (2015), Free Fire (2016), and the 2020 Netflix adaptation, Rebecca.

Influenced by the strike of SAG-AFTRA, publicity activities such as the London premiere have been canceled. The world premiere will be held in the Beijing National Indoor Stadium in Beijing on July 28, which is also the only premiere in the world.

In April 2021, Jason Statham confirmed that things are finally falling into place regarding the sequel. He said the script is ready and that filming should begin the following January.

It was announced in Nov. 2020 that Jason Statham is set to reprise his role and will reportedly be involved in the overall creative process. The supporting cast hadn’t officially been announced, but much of the “key talent” is expected to return. In that case, The Meg 2 will presumably feature Bingbing Li, Ruby Rose and Page Kennedy, among others.

Magic in the Water Recap

Jamie

For films that I don’t have much personal history with or don’t have any broader implications for our BMT venture (and Magic in the Water certainly fits that bill) I like to look back at the date that the film was released. Oddly this film was allegedly released on a Wednesday, which is apparently true as the New York Times does state that it “Starts Today” in that Wednesday’s Magic in the Water ad. I guess this was to capture the magic in the Labor Day weekend or something. But that’s not the headline to my journey back to August 30th, 1995. No, the headline is the relatively small banner that ran under the poster for the film:

I smell a new cycle. Gotta catch ‘em all, and I don’t mean Pokemon. I mean this level of product tie-in. It’s gorgeous.

To recap, the Black family are off to Glenorky for the summer. Father, Jack (yes, his name is Jack Black), is a psychiatrist-turned-radio-host who is attempting to write a new book. He’s a workaholic and the kids, Ashley and Josh, are struggling to connect to him. Lucky for Ashley she’s got America’s favorite cookie Oreo to keep her company. Even luckier? There is also a monster in the lake, Orky, that enjoys America’s favorite cookie Oreo too (despite being a very Canadian monster). Jack starts to get to know a local psychiatrist and finds that she’s treating a bunch of men in town for “hallucinations” that occur after allegedly interacting with Orky. When Ashley runs away one night, Jack is aided by Orky to save her in the nick of time. This interaction with Orky gives Jack a psychic connection that tunes him into the fact that Orky is being hurt by something nefarious in the lake. Turns out some local industrialists are illegally dumping their waste in the lake and are getting more and more concerned that a bunch of Japanese scientists are going to find out what they are doing. Just when Jack is locked up for his increasingly bizarre behavior, the industrialists hatch a plan to use a big ol’ monster submarine to trick the Japanese researchers into thinking the monster was just a ruse the whole time and to leave them alone. It’s up to the kids to stop them and they hijack the submarine, which unfortunately sinks. They are definitely going to die and it’s real grim, but then Orky comes and saves them. Jack is also suddenly there too and they all watch as Orky dies from exposure to the waste. They then leave Orky’s cave and are pretty bummed actually. But then Orky comes back to life and eats a bunch more of America’s favorite cookie Oreo. THE END.

That all actually happened. I can’t tell if this is as bizarre as I think it is or we just don’t watch kids movies enough. Maybe it’s only bizarre that it made it to theaters. Or maybe it’s only bizarre that it was a random Canadian film plucked from obscurity in America’s thirst for Loch Ness Monster content. Or maybe it’s not bizarre at all. It’s impossible for me to tell. The only thing I know is this is a children’s movie where some kids are sad because their dad is locked up in an insane asylum and they are left alone and then they almost die in a submarine accident and then their monster friend actually does die right in front of them. It’s just… they spend an inordinate amount of time showing you the unpleasant and bizarre behavior of a man driven insane by his contact with a supernatural being. It sounds like I’m describing a horror film. That’s because it was horrific.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Patrick should have put a spoiler warning on his section cause you better believe all those kids died in that submarine. You couldn’t ask for a more perfect “moment before death” scene than the kids being reunited with their crazy dad in Orky’s cave just before the monster dies… but wait, actually no he is still alive, see he ate some cookies. Uh, really? No wonder wikipedia’s synopsis for the film ends by saying that the cookies being eaten at the end “suggest that Orky is still alive, or reincarnated.” They can’t tell because it doesn’t matter. Just the sad dreams of a girl dying in a submarine. Hot Take Temperature: Oreo.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we sitting here feeling like kids again because an ancient wise sea monster inhabited our soul?! Let’s go!

It’s been a minute since we did a kids’ movie. Let the useless nonsense wash over you like a Glenorky tide.

Mark Harmon … oh boy. I feel like in this film you can witness his transition from that 80s scamp in Summer School, to no nonsense dad (or dad adjacent) character in this film right here. Do you think while filming he thought to himself: I feel young again. Maybe Summer School 2 is in the books!

The kid actors were pretty solid though. I’m surprised the daughter didn’t act in anything else. Unless you count a creepy looking FMV kids adventure game called Piper. Joshua Jackson was a child actor star, charisma out the wazoo.

The direction does let it down on occasion. Mainly just small asides they do (in particular a short shot of Jackson putting Cap’n Crunch on some bread and eating it). And the bad guy plot feels like it was shot by someone else who was trying to make a live action Captain Planet episode.

The film is much better earlier when it is just about a father who has lost his way prior to him becoming a kid again.

The submarine death scene is harrowing though. Seems likely that we are dealing with a Jacob’s Ladder situation and the children died in the sub and Harmon died in the fall into the cavern below the beach. Sad stuff.

Also the degree to which Dr. Wanda Bell seems to be over-prescribing sedatives to fairly innocuous (if delusional) people seems problematic. As is her seeming to be primarily practicing psychiatry when she admits to being trained as a general practitioner.

The only thing I’ll say that I did like how the fun kiddy nonsense they partake in (controlling the clouds, digging to China, etc.) all played into the final scene where that is how Harmon saves his kids and how the daughter saves Orky from discovery. The one moment the script seems to shine through a bit.

Oh … I mean I can’t not mention the Oreos. America’s favorite cookie! Everyone is just chowing down on Oreos. Orky is chowing down on Oreos. Oreos are everywhere. It is one of the craziest things I’ve ever seen.

Obviously Product Placement (What?) for Oreos, America’s favorite cookie. Setting as a Character (Where?) for the mythical town of Glenorky. I think Orky might be a living breathing MacGuffin (Why?). And Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that that sad death scene was a ruse, and Orky lives! Or is it Orky Jr? We’ll never know. This is closest to BMT I think. It ain’t good, but I also didn’t find it particularly unpleasant, so I think it works for a very rare BMT kids’ film.

Read about my sequel idea in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Magic in the Water Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I was on holiday in Canada, naturally, and obviously macking on some of America’s favorite cookies, Oreos. When all of a sudden a sea monster came up and snagged all of them. Needless to say I attempted to free dive to save my delicious treat, but I passed out and got severe oxygen deprivation induced brain damage. Now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Magic in the Water?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) We meet Mark Harmon and his two precocious kids just as they set off for a holiday in Glenorchy (Home of Orky!). What is Harmon’s job?

2) While there he meets his obvious love interest, who shares this job. What is the shared psychosis that all her patients have?

3) Oh yeah, meanwhile Orky is real (who knew!?). How does Ashley know that he’s real though, and how does she generally detect he is nearby, AND what does this mean for poor Orky?

4) Uh oh, there are some bad guys. What are they concerned about, and what is their plan to prevent the toxic waste dump site from being discovered?

5) After the children definitely don’t die in a horrifying homemade submarine accident, who saves them and how?

Bonus Question: Obviously we would expect the family to move to Glenorky to be near their best friend Orky. Well, Orky’s got a surprise for them. What is it?

Answers

Magic in the Water Preview

“That’s right, you do love your wife,” Kyle explains as they stand in front of a new scene. It’s Metaphor Patrick somberly sitting in a room full of lawyers as they hash out his divorce. Tears stream down his face. “That’s why you end up giving her whatever she wants,” Kyle continues, “and what she wants is half your stake in the company.” Jamie and Patrick do the math. Their 60% is now 45%… “But she wouldn’t. You’re lying,” Patrick says, before running dramatically to a nearby fainting couch. And they would have thought he actually had fainted if it wasn’t for all the snot and drool that accompanied his intensely loud sobbing. “Your right, it isn’t true… yet,” Kyle says, “but it will be, and shortly thereafter your ex-wife, distraught at your betrayal, sells her stake to the Dudikoffs and jets off to Europe to start her life anew in a reverse Sound of Music type scenario.” Patrick’s sobs get even louder. Jaime is perplexed. “So this is all just to get their hands on BMT? But they have that already. We are doing a worldwide tour of Canada for them. What else do they want?” Kyle gives him a look of deep sadness. They still aren’t getting it. He snaps his fingers and they are standing in front of a billboard. “Welcome to Glenorky, home of the Bad Movie Twins Water Company.” Forcing Patrick to divorce his wife and six kids is one thing. But turning BMT into a bottled water company was crossing the line. “It’s the one thing we said we’d never do,” Patrick says softly. “You can drink it out of the tap, for god sakes,” Jamie yells, before punching a hole in the billboard next to the company’s tagline: “There’s Magic in the Water.” That’s right! We’re watching that film we all know and love, Magic in the Water. It’s got Mark Harmon. It’s got Josh Jackson. It’s got Canada’s version of Nessy. So basically it’s got everything. Let’s go!

Magic in the Water (1995) – BMeTric: 20.5; Notability: 23

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 23.6%; Notability: top 26.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 16.2%; Higher BMeT: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Vampire in Brooklyn, Fair Game, Showgirls, Jury Duty, Batman Forever, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Congo, Theodore Rex, The Babysitter, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Judge Dredd, Nine Months, The Scarlet Letter, Johnny Mnemonic, Virtuosity, and 39 more; Higher Notability: Batman Forever, Congo, Judge Dredd, Cutthroat Island, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, Virtuosity, Showgirls, Stuart Saves His Family, Four Rooms, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Money Train, Tommy Boy, Assassins, Panther, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead, Jefferson in Paris, Hackers, Jade, Canadian Bacon, Just Cause, and 47 more; Lower RT: The Big Green, National Lampoon’s Senior Trip, Theodore Rex, Delta of Venus, Jury Duty, Born to Be Wild, Top Dog, The Walking Dead, A Kid in King Arthur’s Court, The Hunted, It Takes Two, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Bushwhacked, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Dracula: Dead and Loving It, Fair Game, Canadian Bacon, Vampire in Brooklyn, The Scarlet Letter, Four Rooms, and 18 more; Notes: Probably the weakest for a while in both BMeT and Notability. Got a Friday, December 20, 1996, 8PM premiere on Showtime, and played an astonishing 41 times on television in the 90s. We’ve officially seen 13 of the 20 highest BMeTs for 1995 (and I’ve seen an additional 4 myself). That’s nuts.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “Magic in the Water” is innocuous fun, but slow, and not distinguished in the special effects department. And about those two one-armed brothers, who both allegedly lost an arm to Orky: I’ll bet they could find those missing arms if they’d look closely inside their shirts.

(Ha! I do like this review, even though I have a deep suspicion now that Magic in the Water is going to be aggressively boring. Like Jaws for children.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jat4iTeKpj0/

(Brought to you by Oreo. I’m not joking, in the advertisements for the film in the New York Times it tells the audience to eat America’s favorite cookie: Oreo. So for real, it is. This looks like a Captain Planet episode.)

Directors – Rick Stevenson – ( Known For: Expiration Date; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: As far as directing he’s mostly done single or a few episodes of TV shows over the years. This was his debut.)

Writers – Rick Stevenson – ( Known For: Expiration Date; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Otherwise he wrote and directed some series called Best of the Fest which I think is about showing films that are not well known but good?)

Icel Dobell Massey – ( BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Literally nothing about this person outside of being listed as the co-writer on Variety.)

Ninian Dunnett – (Known For: Restless Natives; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: The writer of the book Restless Natives was based on. I’m going to field a guess that this person wrote an unpublished book or story spec or something and sold it off which is why they don’t really have an IMDb page.)

Actors – Mark Harmon – ( Known For: Natural Born Killers; Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas; Summer School; Freaky Friday; Comes a Horseman; The Last Supper; Beyond the Poseidon Adventure; Weather Girl; Let’s Get Harry; I’ll Remember April; Local Boys; Cold Heaven; Tuareg: The Desert Warrior; Till There Was You; The Amati Girls; Future BMT: Wyatt Earp; Chasing Liberty; The Presidio; Stealing Home; Worth Winning; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Y’all know Mark Harmon … right? You all watch a lot of NCIS? Genuinely a huge 80s movie star, and then he kind of slowly spiraled into television stardom it feels like. Nominated for 2 Emmys for Eleanor and Franklin: The White House Years and a gust spot on The West Wing.)

Harley Jane Kozak – ( Known For: When Harry Met Sally…; Arachnophobia; Parenthood; I Spit on Your Grave: Vengeance Is Mine; The House on Sorority Row; More Beautiful for Having Been Broken; Side Out; The Taking of Beverly Hills; The Lovemaster; Future BMT: Necessary Roughness; All I Want for Christmas; The Favor; BMT: Magic in the Water; Notes: Has written at least four mystery novels and won the Agatha Award for Best First Mystery Novel for Dating Dead Men.)

Joshua Jackson – ( Known For: Ocean’s Eleven; Cruel Intentions; Scream 2; Apt Pupil; Bobby; Andre; Muppets from Space; Shadows in the Sun; Lay the Favorite; Sky; Battle in Seattle; One Week; Lone Star State of Mind; Crooked Hearts; I Love Your Work; The Safety of Objects; Inescapable; Aurora Borealis; Americano; Digger; Future BMT: The Mighty Ducks; D2: The Mighty Ducks; Gossip; Shutter; D3: The Mighty Ducks; Cursed; Racing Stripes; BMT: Urban Legend; The Skulls; Magic in the Water; Notes: Was a child actor (in things like The Might Ducks) and then became something of an actual television star (in things like Fringe). His mother was a casting director.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $2,680,717 (Worldwide: $2,680,717)

(Yeaaaaaaaah. Don’t worry, we didn’t screw up. It does actually qualify. Released to a healthy happy 890 theaters. On September 1, 1995 no less, and then it played on television on September 1, 1997.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 21% (5/24): There might be Magic in the Water during this family-friendly adventure, but precious little of it ended up on the screen.

(People seemed really concerned about the message of this film (which I guess in 1995 was construed as some kind of environmental screed). More hilariously apparently the monster is seen once and looks bad. So that’ll be fun.)

NY Times Short Review: Pacific Northwest sea-monster legend. Genial, but don’t call it magic.

Poster – Patrick in the Water

(I kind of like the poster. Having already watched the movie, though, I would be afraid they are stepping mighty close to false advertising. Let’s just say, we never even get close to an actual scene of the animatronic monster in the water. B-)

Tagline(s) – In a small town, on a peaceful lake, a mythical creature is about to surface. (D)

(Too long. Why wouldn’t this just be “a mythical creature is about to surface”? Seems like they added a bunch of words for no reason. It wouldn’t have made it much better, but it’s an odd choice.)

Keyword(s) – canada

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992), Terminator Salvation (2009)

Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.7 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 69.0 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), … (and many more)

Best Options (daddio): 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 49.2 My Girl 2 (1994), 41.5 Speed Zone (1989), 37.9 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 37.1 Clifford (1994), 36.8 Desperate Hours (1990), 34.0 Father Hood (1993), 30.3 Who’s Harry Crumb? (1989), 24.6 About My Father (2023), 20.7 Mad City (1997), 20.3 Magic in the Water (1995), 20.0 Art School Confidential (2006), 17.8 Brewster’s Millions (1985)

(This was an incredibly Canada film which is why we chose it. Like it has a bunch of Canadian actors and is set in Canada. Also it looks ridiculous.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Joshua Jackson is No. 2 billed in Magic in the Water and No. 8 billed in Urban Legend, which also stars Alicia Witt (No. 1 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 2 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 8) + (1 + 2) + (3 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch Into the Blue we can get the HoE Number down to 16.

Notes – Early in the movie Ashley is wearing an over-sized powderkegblue (UCLA) football jersey #7. Mark Harmon was the starting UCLA Quarterback – he wore #7.

Film locations included a 163 foot stern-wheeler, the SS Moyie, which seemed a bit unreal for a town with only 800 people living in the area. This vessel was used as “Joe’s Orky Emporium”, a top-heavy tourist attraction that exploits the legend of Orky to the hilt.

The creature Orky was in reality a huge cable operated puppet which required twelve operators to bring him to life.

The role of Josh was based in part on the relationship that developed between writer-producer-director Rick Stevenson and young actor Joshua Jackson while Stevenson was producing and Jackson was starring in Stevenson’s first film ‘Crooked Hearts’ (1991). Jackson said about his role: “I’m on this trip to try and have some relationship with my father, but in reality I’m on the verge of not wanting a father anymore. In Josh’s mind, this trip is one last attempt at bonding with his dad. Then there is the aspect of having a little sister who believes in weird stuff. At first I don’t pay any attention to her. She’s dumb and so are her ideas, but out of pure boredom I start paying attention to her and discover she’s not so bad after all. The minute I let my guard down, she gets me into all kinds of trouble trying to save Orky.”

Mark Harmon’s character was called Jack Black which is the same name as the famous actor, comedian and movie star Jack Black.

Serving Sara Recap

Jamie

Serving Sara came out on a balmy August day 21 years ago. Late August doldrums where films went to die, or at least that’s how it used to be. Nowadays hits come whenever the audience demands it. But back then? No, the major releases that week were Undisputed, S1m0ne, and this (and none of them cracked the top 5). Barbenheimer this was not. But you wouldn’t know that from the advertisements. Check out these quotes from the NYTimes:

Not only are these egregiously long, but they are real embarrassing. I hope whoever these critics are got paid a pretty penny for delivering this level of comedy. And even funnier than that? If you look closely at the first and the third they are by the same guy, Earl Dittman from Wireless Magazines. I wonder who that is? Oh ho, he has a wikipedia page… that appears entirely devoted to the fact that he churns out these quotes for national exposure.

Wow.

To recap, Matthew Perry is a former lawyer-turned-kinda-bad-process-server. When the rival at his company screws up a job he’s given one last chance to deliver for an important client. The job: deliver divorce papers to Elizabeth Hurley as filed in the state of Texas. After he easily does this, he inadvertently spills that it’s too bad the papers weren’t filed in New York where she would make more money… this gives Hurley a brilliant idea. They strike a deal for $1 million where Perry will switch sides and serve her husband instead. Perry’s boss is pissed and gets the other process server on the case, but Perry is too smart for that and sends him on a wild goose chase. Meanwhile they head to Texas where the real chase begins. They follow her husband from Dallas to their ranch in Laredo. Eventually they find the husband’s new mistress who proposes a deal that Perry quickly accepts. But what an idiot! It was a trick set up by his rival. Oh no! They have lost… or have they? (what a twist!) Turns out the rival made a similar boneheaded error that he made in the beginning of the movie and Perry still has one hour to track down Hurley’s husband. They chase him into a monster truck rally (naturally) where he is eventually served and all the bad guys are gravely injured. Perry uses his money to open a vineyard and he and Hurley smooch… hard. THE END.

This is a generally unpleasant movie. View from the Top? Pleasant people, happy they were happy. Serving Sara? Just a bunch of people scrounging around for money. Perry’s character in particular is confounding. The backstory makes no sense… he didn’t like defending criminals anymore so he quit being a good lawyer to be a terrible process server? Why not just, you know… become a good lawyer doing good things? Anway, I did think Hurley was surprisingly charming. It made me wonder why she wasn’t a bigger star. Maybe she was too “hot,” or maybe she chose family instead, but she was quite good even though she and Perry had negative chemistry. 

Hot Take Clam Bake! My take is Perry’s character is actually in witness protection. He talks about how he used to be a lawyer but got tired of defending the bad people like mobsters. So he quit… quit? You don’t just quit defending the mob, capiche? It explains all the other weird stuff going on. He was good enough to defend high profile bad guys and yet when he gives that up he’s just a second rate, anonymous process server in the biggest city in the world? Def in witness protection after giving up the good on the Chicago mob. That’s the sequel, in fact… when they finally hit it big by winning a prestigious wine award, the mobsters come a-knockin’. Hot Take Temperature: City Heat.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Matthew Perry playing Chandler Bing in a major motion picture … again … because that’s the character he plays in most things he’s in? Also Elizabeth Hurley, my god. Let’s go!

As a young man Elizabeth Hurley was right there in the perfect position for me to have a crush on. Basically it is entirely because of Austin Powers (let’s see, Young Patrick is 11 when that comes out, check) and a little because of Bedazzled (2000, but while I don’t have the data to back it up, suffice it to say this was on ALL THE TIME on television). Her career is funny because as far as leading stuff is concerned … uh, those two and this are just about it. She was made famous for being Hugh Grant’s girlfriend when he became famous. And then she had a kid and semi-retired (a tale as old as time).

Matthew Perry on the other had a very well known (now) drug problem throughout the run of Friends (“fat Chandler” effectively marks when he was off opioids). During the filming of Serving Sara I think he was just out of rehab and struggling, but you can see “fat Chandler” return for a true blue cameo right at the end of the film.

There’s a funny segment by Norm MacDonald where he claims that Perry’s assistant told him that he wanted to do a sketch where Perry is teaching a class on “Matt Speak”. And Norm is like “What’s Matt Speak?” And the assistant is like “you know, how Chandler speaks, with that irreverence, poking fun at people.” And Norm is like “You mean sarcasm?” I only bring this up because this movie is, much like all of Perry’s feature films, an exercise in “Hey hey hey … do Chandler. Do Chandler, but he’s a process server.”

Speaking of which, no occupation has had the weirder Hollywood representations as process server I think. Almost certainly 99.99999% of the time the process server just walks up to people and hands them subpoenas. But in the movies they always have elaborate costumes and stuff.

Jerry Stiller is in this and makes the same prostate joke as he would make in Zoolander.

This movie is a mess. A complete and utter mess. Four thousand things are flying around all the time during it. Cedric the Entertainer is dancing. The competing process server is sent to Miami and Bangor. It is half a road trip film, but really, they are flying places and you don’t really know where they are half the time. You can’t tell why Perry is a process server (despite him allegedly having a whole anecdote as to why he is one), and you barely get any back story about Hurley at all (why is she, a British woman, married to a Texas cattle rancher? Completely unexplained). There are the occasional joke, but for every one of those there is a bad bull ass puppet waiting in the wings.

Definitely a Product Placement (What?) for Verizon which comes in a few times, most notably on the many payphones Perry uses during the film. I think there is a Setting as a Character (Where?) for Texas. A huge Secret Holiday Film (When?) because throughout the film there are decorations for Christmas everywhere, but there is very very little indication or acknowledgment by anyone that it is, in fact, Christmas. One hundred percent a BMT comedy, in that there is just enough to make you ask why anything is happening, but I didn’t actually find the movie boring, I thought it was mostly just perplexing.

Read about my sequel idea in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Serving Sara Quiz

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Joe is a process server who is on a bit of a cold streak. His co-worker is trouncing him and getting all the jobs. But this big job, serving (checks notes) Sara, is all his. Why?

2) Oh wow, that film resolved quickly. He just served Sara. But wait, what a twist! Why does he agree to switch sides?

3) Well time to surprise Gordon in Texas … until they blew it! Where do they try and surprise him first? How does he trick him at every turn?

4) Meanwhile at various times Joe sends his co-worker around to three different cities. Which ones?

5) And in the end his co-worker got him good. How does he get him? But then how does he screw it up again to give them an opportunity to reverse the result?

Bonus Question: Oh cool, they blew all $10 million dollars of their divorce settlement on a failing vineyard. Smart. Oh, the phone is ringing. Who is it?

Answers

Serving Sara Preview

“Yes, like I said, I’m the Ghost of BMT Future but like… you guys didn’t kill me. ‘Ghost’ might be the wrong term. I’m… a metaphor or whatever.” Kyle explains for the fourth time. Jamie and Patrick nod their heads, but look at each other incredulously. Kyle sighs. After flying around for a bit they finally landed at a skyscraper in Toronto where BMTHQ was now located. It seems impossible that they would give up the Big Apple for Toronto, but Kyle explained that after the Apologies Tour brought to you by Tim Horton’s ended they relocated to where the Dudikoff’s felt like BMT could do the most good. A scene plays out in front of them. The Dudikoff’s sign some papers and then, with a bit of hesitation, Jamie and Patrick also sign. “You just signed over half your company,” Kyle says, and the twins gasp. It couldn’t be, they’d never make such a boneheaded mistake. Jamie grabs the contract from the desk and looks it over. He lets out a sigh of relief. “This isn’t half the company. It’s a 60-40 split. We still each have 30%. A majority. It’s fine.” Jamie and Patrick literally pat themselves on the back in congratulations of their business savvy, but their future selves don’t notice… cause they’re metaphors or whatever. Suddenly, Kyle bursts into the room. An animated argument plays out and Kyle storms away, distraught. Jamie and Patrick’s faces fall. “Right, I guess we must have written Kyle out of the company… but we had to, right? It’s for the best.” Patrick says unconvincingly. “Is it?” Metaphor Kyle says, pulling some papers out of Drake’s pocket. Patrick reads them over and a look of panic crosses his face, “But no… I love my wife and six kids… I’d never… divorce?!” That’s right! We are going from the super sweet View from the Top to the… not quite as sweet divorce comedy Serving Sara. This was in the early 2000’s superstar run of Matthew Perry and bridges the gap from Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice through a very early Amy Adams role. Let’s go!

Serving Sara (2002) – BMeTric: 48.1; Notability: 36

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 13.2%; Notability: top 19.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 4.2%; Higher BMeT: Crossroads, Halloween: Resurrection, Rollerball, The Master of Disguise, Feardotcom, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Boat Trip, Half Past Dead, Scooby-Doo, The Sweetest Thing, Queen of the Damned, Maid in Manhattan, They, Full Frontal, The Truth About Charlie, Swimfan, Snow Dogs, Vampires: Los Muertos, The Tuxedo, and 13 more; Higher Notability: Men in Black II, Scooby-Doo, The Time Machine, Star Trek: Nemesis, Collateral Damage, Dragonfly, John Q, The Master of Disguise, Unconditional Love, Showtime, I Spy, Queen of the Damned, Eight Crazy Nights, Rollerball, The Country Bears, The Truth About Charlie, Maid in Manhattan, The Tuxedo, The Sweetest Thing, Bad Company, and 29 more; Lower RT: Killing Me Softly, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Hansel & Gretel, Ritual, State Property, The Master of Disguise, Deuces Wild, Feardotcom, Rollerball, Half Past Dead; Notes: Solid BMeTric for a film that is surely completely forgotten. Although I suppose Perry’s odd movie roles are often pretty good bets for BMT. We’ve see 12 of the top 20 BMeTs from 2002 including the top 7, which is pretty solid. Star Trek: Nemesis, we’re coming for you.

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  Lackluster comedy about a N.Y.C. process server who makes a deal with his “mark” to find her philandering husband and serve him with her divorce papers – in return for half of her take. This takes them on a bumpy road to Texas. It’s a long way from It Happened One Night. Mike Judge appears unbilled as a motel clerk.

(I do love when he shouts out the classics. He’s a student of history after all. Maybe I should get that one and watch it instead … who am I kidding, at the very best I’ll just watch it as well.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yH5LUdNfKb0/

(This trailer is an insane idea with the voiceover by the star. There was a strange time in the 2000s where process serving became a thing in movies and television. Feels like an odd glorification. And of course end with the abomination that is the vet joke.)

Directors – Reginald Hudlin – ( Known For: House Party; Boomerang; Marshall; The Great White Hype; Safety; Future BMT: The Ladies Man; BMT: Serving Sara; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for writing Django Unchained. Apparently while at Harvard he made the first version of what would become House Party.)

Writers – Jay Scherick and David Ronn – ( Known For: Clifford the Big Red Dog; Guess Who; Future BMT: The Smurfs; The Smurfs 2; National Security; BMT: Baywatch; Zookeeper; Norbit; Serving Sara; I Spy; Notes: I’m getting whiffs of Lennon and Garant here. These guys are all over the place and have a ton of credits, presumably because they are a writing team willing to take second or third passes at scripts that don’t quiiiiiiite work.)

Actors – Matthew Perry – ( Known For: 17 Again; The Whole Nine Yards; The Kid; Numb; Getting In; Birds of America; Future BMT: Fools Rush In; She’s Out of Control; Almost Heroes; A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon; Three to Tango; BMT: Serving Sara; The Whole Ten Yards; Notes: Y’all know Perry. He was on Friends? Invented sarcasm? Anyways, this film in particular has a bunch of notes about how he was publicly going through his drug issues at the time and it caused a lot of consternation.)

Elizabeth Hurley – ( Known For: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery; Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me; Bedazzled; Aria; Edtv; The Weight of Water; Then Came You; Permanent Midnight; Father Christmas Is Back; Kill Cruise; Christmas in the Caribbean; Mad Dogs and Englishmen; Rowing with the Wind; Double Whammy; Method; An Elephant’s Journey; Bad Boy; Viktor; Made in Romania; The Long Winter; Future BMT: Passenger 57; My Favorite Martian; Dangerous Ground; BMT: Serving Sara; Notes: Remember when she was famous. I have to assume she just got rich and quite acting because … who wouldn’t? Then she’s come back more recently. She was in the TV show The Royals. You have to see that thing. It is absurd!)

Bruce Campbell – ( Known For: Evil Dead Rise; Spider-Man; Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness; Oz the Great and Powerful; Evil Dead; The Evil Dead; Spider-Man 3; Spider-Man 2; Sky High; Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs; The Quick and the Dead; Army of Darkness; Evil Dead II; Escape from L.A.; The Majestic; Darkman; The Ladykillers; The Hudsucker Proxy; Bubba Ho-Tep; The Escort; Future BMT: Cars 2; McHale’s Navy; BMT: Congo; Serving Sara; Notes: Is it possible that Bruce Campbell is only famous for Evil Dead? I feel like it might be. He tends to have bit roles, but often it is in Raimi films because Campbell is his guy obviously.)

Budget/Gross – $29,000,000 / Domestic: $16,930,185 (Worldwide: $20,146,150)

(Disastrous again! We are on a good streak of bombs I feel like. Sometimes things seem like they kind of get close to profitability, but there’s no way with this one.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 4% (5/113): A romantic comedy that’s neither funny nor particularly romantic, Serving Sara is a forgettable time waster.

(My god, that consensus is perfect. It is the epitome of the bad rom com. Like … All About Steve. Neither romantic or funny.)

NY Times Short Review: Mr. Perry’s blustery, charmless performance reaches a nadir when his character, posing as a veterinarian, must give a prostate massage to an impotent bull named Tornado. — Stephen Holden

Poster – Serving Silverman

(No, no, and no. The only thing good in this whole poster is the pop of pink. Otherwise it’s a complete disaster. No wonder you got such terrible reviews. It’s all about the poster, guys. D+.)

Tagline(s) – The One Thing That Could Bring Them Together Is Revenge. (C-)

(I don’t totally understand what they think is clever here. Because revenge never brings people together? Sure… I mean, in a rom com I guess that’s unusual. But it’s pretty standard fare in film. Whatever, it’s long and not clever, but I think they were trying to do something clever.)

Keyword(s) – canada

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 84.1 Prom Night (2008), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 69.0 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), Alone in the Dark (2005), The Wicker Man (2006), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Little Man (2006), Ouija (2014), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988),… (and many more)

Best Options (Justice League): 77.3 Superhero Movie (2008), 62.1 Cursed (2005), 50.0 Collateral Damage (2002), 48.1 Surviving Christmas (2004), 47.8 Sleepover (2004), 45.9 RV (2006), 45.1 The Ex (2006), 41.9 Mixed Nuts (1994), 41.5 Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 40.9 The Marksman (2021), 38.8 Play It to the Bone (1999), 37.8 Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 37.5 The Glass House (2001), 37.4 The Guilt Trip (2012), 36.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016), 34.2 Suspect Zero (2004), 33.6 Must Love Dogs (2005), 32.9 Indecent Proposal (1993), 32.6 Let’s Go to Prison (2006), 29.9 200 Cigarettes (1999), 29.8 The Night Listener (2006), 29.6 Nights in Rodanthe (2008), 28.2 Dragonfly (2002), 26.5 TMNT (2007), 25.4 We Are Your Friends (2015), 20.8 Batman: The Killing Joke (2016), 20.0 Art School Confidential (2006), 19.5 Terminator Salvation (2009), 18.7 Entourage (2015), 16.8 Smokin’ Aces (2006), 14.8 The Matrix Revolutions (2003), 13.8 Wyatt Earp (1994)

(Yeah, again, Matthew Perry while being Canadian is not in fact born in Canada. This whole section has been a bit of a shambles since we are obviously opting to hit up very Canadian people even if they were born outside of Canada, so it is a little wonky.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Matthew Perry is No. 1 billed in Serving Sara and No. 2 billed in The Whole Ten Yards, which also stars Bruce Willis (No. 1 billed) who is in Armageddon (No. 1 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 3 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 15. If we were to watch The Jackal, Nights in Rodanthe, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – During filming in 2002, ‘Matthew Perry’ spent some time in rehab due to an addiction to prescription painkillers. Production was slowed, but the filmmakers focused on filming scenes without Perry in them during his absence.

The outfit that Sara Moore wears throughout the second half was actually chosen by Elizabeth Hurley. The director liked it so much he decided that would be her costume.

Matthew Perry shot the scene where Joe is running from Tony who is driving a monster truck with a broken foot. According to director Reggie Hudlin if he had stumbled he would have been run over.

A good number of Joe’s witty sarcastic comments were improvised by Matthew Perry.

The hotel concierge is played by Mike Judge who is a last minute addition to the film. According to Reggie Hudlin the original actor fell ill and was unable to appear in the movie, so he phoned Mike Judge who agreed to play the part.

View from the Top Recap

Jamie

View from the Top is part of a specific group of BMT films that I think needs a bit of discussion. This is one of six films that qualify for BMT that were delayed because of the September 11th attacks. It was the longest delayed (for almost two years) and only the second we have watched for BMT (the other is Bad Company). So we only have four more left. These are Collateral Damage, Windtalkers, Deuces Wild, and The Time Machine. Clearly not enough to make a cycle on its own, but it’s possible you could cobble together a cycle from films that were affected by September 11th in some way (like Mr. Deeds)… but let’s just say we could do that rather than we will do that. Cycles are supposed to be fun. This imaginary cycle? Not fun.

To recap, Gwenyth Paltrow just wants to get out of her dead end Nevada town. So when she sees an interview with a flight attendant turned author, she decides it’s time to fly. Starting at a small airline she learns the ropes and soon finds that she’s pretty darn good at it. She makes a couple friends and meets a cute guy, but sky’s the limit for her and soon she’s off to try out for the big time at Royalty Airlines. She ends up as the star pupil of training, but is shocked when her test scores land her on the commuter Cleveland route, while her ditzy and ethically challenged friend, Christine, gets the Paris route. She asks for a retest, but is denied. But everything turns out OK when she is not only great at her job, but she reconnects with the cute guy, Mark Ruffalo. After a chance meeting with Christine reveals her complete lack of knowledge of what was on their test, Paltrow again asks to look at the test and finds that Christine swapped their sheets. Royalty busts Christine and Paltrow takes her rightful place on  the Paris route. She has everything she ever wanted, right? Wrong. Cause she had to leave Ruffalo behind. One lonely Christmas she finally realizes that life isn’t about the Paris route, but about being happy and runs to Raffalo. We see later that she becomes a pilot in Cleveland. THE END.

If that whole recap seemed unusually earnest and lacking in the typical jokes, that’s because the film itself is unusually earnest and lacking in the typical jokes. I actually found myself liking this film a lot. It’s very sweet. Paltrow’s character looks around at her circumstances and says “No,” and works hard to see the world, find her place in it, and be happy. This all rings true to me and I enjoy seeing Paltrow’s character succeed. It makes me happy. There are two major problems that the film has to battle. One is that the director didn’t seem interested in the story they were telling, or perhaps didn’t know what he was doing with a film of this scope. It’s hard to say, but there seemed to be some trouble in stitching the film together in the editing room. There are so many cliche rom com musical cues that it starts to feel like an inside joke. Like he was like “whatever, here’s a pile of footage, just make your dumb American rom com with it, I don’t care.” The second hurdle is a Robin Williams-esque performance by Mike Myers. He’s incredibly distracting and, given when the film was made, portends his imminent fall from superstar status. I’m sure the set was a ball to be on with all his gags and jokes, and he certainly is the only one trying to make the film a comedy, but boy… I much preferred the sweetness of the rest of the film to whatever he was up to. Still, I kinda like this one.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Do I smell a long con? Paltrow’s character definitely knows that Christine is not fit for the flight attendant life. She is the worst in the class and a kleptomaniac and sitting right in front of her for the test. She knew what she did. She knew it and did it on purpose. Why? Cause she had to get to Cleveland to land Ruffalo. It’s all a ruse, guys, she just wants that sweet Ruffalo action and then when she’s landed the fish she busts Christine (knowing that she would leave her telltale hearts punctuated “i’s” on the test). Off the Paris she goes to establish her cred before heading back to Cleveland to get her Ruffalo Buffalo (as she calls him). It’s a classic double long con. Can’t believe you all didn’t get that. Hot Take Temperature: Betty White. 

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! What are we talking about? Are we talking about a much delayed romantic comedy about flight attendants completely co-opted by a cross-eyed Mike Meyers? Let’s go!

Just to get this out of the way: this movie is pretty charming, and I don’t quite get all the hubbub about it. Like, the chief complaint is that it is aggressively capitalistic? I didn’t really read that. And fine, it was advertised as a silly comedy starring Mike Meyers, but in reality he’s the worst part of the film, and the film is never funny. At best its characters end up in amusing circumstances and are themselves somewhat amusing.

Yeah, if you ever need an example of a person who’s “in another film”, Mike Meyers in View from the Top is the prime example. He sweeps in, chews scenery, does his Mike Meyers thing, all in the middle of basically You’ve Got Mail. An amusing romance film … with a cross-eyed Mike Meyers stuck to the middle of it. For a while you forget the movie is a romcom when he’s around. It is weird.

The film is basically split into four parts with unfunny montages between them. (1) Starts with a montage of Donna growing up. (2) Poor Donna living in Nevada who then gets a job as a flight attendant. (3) Montage of her getting better at it and getting a mentee. (4) Royalty Airline training school intro. (5) Getting better at that montage. (6) Cleveland and meeting up with Ted again, getting the Paris gig. (7) Paris montage and getting sad. (8) Conclusion.

You know … that classic four act structure. If there is a chief complaint from me, it is that they could have cut out all the Paris stuff. She could have just aced the test and then realized that Cleveland is pretty awesome, and she just wanted everyone to know she aced the test, that she didn’t really care about Paris and that junk now. Now you have a tight three act script.

By far the most exciting part of the film is when they reveal that with her hectic schedule and Ted going to law school / having a job to pay for that, that Donna watches TNT constantly and is watching Ghost starring the Swayz on TNT during the movie. Unfortunately, I don’t (yet) have the data for 2000 which is very much the most likely year this film takes place in, but Ghost didn’t play on TNT in 1999 according to my data, BUT … it did play on its sister channel TBS which means it could plausibly play on TNT in 2000. Time will tell.

Despite the often anachronistic costumes you can at least pinpoint the film to definitely taking plays sometime a year or two after Ghost came out, and prior to 9/11, so in that 1993-2001 range for sure, but most likely 2000.

I mean, that is an awesome Product Placement (What?) for the excellent cinematic showings on offer every day on TNT. The film is a bit of a road trip film, but let’s go Setting as a Character (Where?) for America’s Waiting Room of Cleveland, Ohio. It’s been a minute since we saw a Secret Holiday Film (When?), but the revelation that Donna loves Ted (and Cleveland) comes to her on a very lonely Christmas, and an ugly Christmas sweater plays a big part in the film. And a definitely Worst Twist (How?) for the hugely telegraphed reveal that Christine, Donna’s ex-best friend, swapped her tests causing her to be sentenced to a lifetime of hard labor in Cleveland (ugh!). And dare I say it … this film is closest to Good, I genuinely choked up at the end at her desperately wishing she for her to choose love over her career.

Read about the thriller sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

View from the Top Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I’m just a country girl from Nevada and I want to just get out of here. One problem, I bopped my head on my first trip on an airplane and now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in View from the Top?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Why did Paltrow decide on becoming a flight attendant?

2) Meetcute alert! Ruffalo is lake patrol. And how do they meet exactly?

3) When Paltrow gets into the Royalty Training School she gets to meet Bergen. What does Bergen see in her that makes her believe Paltrow can make it?

4) Aw but she failed the test and now has to live in Cleveland. But how? How did she fail the test?

5) Finally, she’s made it to Paris International! She did it! Well … but now she’s sad. Everything kind of just works out from here on … but most importantly what movie was Paltrow watching on TNT in the middle of the movie?

Bonus Question: Welp she’s a pilot now. That’s fun. While flying though, she gets a call. Who is it?

Answers

View from the Top Preview

“Glimmer Man, reveal yourself!” Patrick yells, trying to imbue his voice with a sense of confidence. But it’s all false bravado. They had to wonder, were their twin chops as potent without BMT? They jump as they suddenly hear a clatter from above. “He must be heading for the roof,” Jamie murmurs. Patrick smirks. “Guess this guy doesn’t know us very well.” Five minutes and half a jar of margarine later and Jamie and Patrick are slip-sliding their way through the steam pipes of the arena. It’s classic Bad Movie Twins, their abs creating sweet rhythms on every bump and seam in the pipe like a robot walking along a cobblestone street. Using their knowledge of advanced physics they shoot their way to the roof of the arena and burst out of the pipe right in front of their watcher. They go in for a devastating Twin Chop but pause mere inches from the man’s jugular. Their mouths drop open in surprise. “Kyle?!” they exclaim and Kyle smiles. “Classic Bad Movie Twins,” he says, taking one look at their margarine greased abs. Jamie and Patrick are speechless and Kyle becomes serious. “I’m sorry I had to play this game of cat and mouse with you, but I had to get you away from the Dudikoff’s. They aren’t who you think they are,” Kyle says. Jamie and Patrick begin to protest, but Kyle instead pulls them in for a hug. “Listen to me. I’m also not who you think I am… I’m here to show you your future.” Suddenly Jamie and Patrick realize why it was so hard to catch Kyle. “You’re a ghost?” They ask and he nods. “Now take my hand, and look to the horizon,” Kyle says, and with that they jump from the roof of the arena. That’s right! We are taking in a view from the top by watching, you guessed it, View from the Top. It’s always surprised me just how bad the reviews for this film were, so let’s see if it lives up to its BMT billing. Let’s go!

View from the Top (2003) – BMeTric: 51.7; Notability: 53

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 9.6%; Notability: top 10.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 10.6%; Higher BMeT: The Room, Gigli, House of the Dead, The Cat in the Hat, Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, From Justin to Kelly, Kangaroo Jack, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde, My Boss’s Daughter, Darkness Falls, The Foreigner, Biker Boyz, The Haunted Mansion, Agent Cody Banks, Cold Creek Manor, The Medallion, Marci X, Honey, Hollywood Homicide, The Order, and 4 more; Higher Notability: The Matrix Revolutions, Bad Boys II, Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, Scary Movie 3, Brother Bear, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, The Haunted Mansion, Timeline, The Cat in the Hat, Gods and Generals, Hollywood Homicide, Tears of the Sun, The Core, Paycheck, Cradle 2 the Grave, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle of Life, Duplex, Agent Cody Banks, Wonderland, Beyond Borders, and 7 more; Lower RT: Dorm Daze, The Foreigner, Hangman’s Curse, Gold Diggers, House of the Dead, Gigli, Kangaroo Jack, From Justin to Kelly, Grind, My Boss’s Daughter, Gods and Generals, Marci X, Darkness Falls, The Cat in the Hat, The Order, Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, A Man Apart, Alex & Emma, National Security, Cold Creek Manor, and 5 more; Notes: I’m pretty stunned at the number of high BMeT films from 2003 we haven’t seen (officially) for BMT. I guess there thing is I’ve seen Dumb and Dumberer and Darkness Falls on my own. Still though, a bunch I haven’t seen. Very impressive 50-50 BMeT + Notability. The 100 club.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – The movie, directed by Bruno Barreto and written by Eric Wald, is surprising for what it doesn’t contain: No scenes involving mile-high clubs, lecherous businessmen or randy pilots, but the sincere story of a woman who finds her career is almost but not quite enough. Adult audiences may be underwhelmed. Not younger teenage girls, who will be completely fascinated.

(Awwwww, I do love sentimental Roger. He is probably at least somewhat right, but it is stunning when he comes off the top rope with “this movie isn’t for all of you” to his fellow critics. I checked and Leonard gave it a 2 specifically calling out Meyers for seemingly coming from a different film.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elF04ebuXHI/

(Ha I remember this trailer. I find it crazy how prominent they make Meyers in a film which, in reality, is not that much of a comedy. But I imagine they realized they had to capitalize on him being one of the biggest comedic stars at the time.)

Directors – Bruno Barreto – ( Known For: Gabriela; Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands; Reaching for the Moon; Carried Away; Four Days in September; Última Parada 174; A Show of Force; One Tough Cop; Bossa Nova; Happily Ever After; Romeo & Juliet …Get Married; Tati; The Story of Fausta; BMT: View from the Top; Notes: He seems to have mostly done Brazilian (adjacent at least) films, then this, and then went back to Brazilian films maybe. Was the second husband of Steven Spielberg’s first wife.)

Writers – Eric Wald – ( BMT: View from the Top; Notes: Wrote this script in a class at film school. He created and wrote a television series called Sirens which seemingly ran for multiple seasons.)

Actors – Gwyneth Paltrow – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Se7en; Avengers: Infinity War; Iron Man; Spider-Man: Homecoming; The Avengers; The Royal Tenenbaums; Iron Man Three; Iron Man 2; The Talented Mr. Ripley; Shakespeare in Love; Contagion; Shallow Hal; Austin Powers in Goldmember; Sliding Doors; Emma; A Perfect Murder; Hard Eight; Malice; Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow; Future BMT: Hook; Great Expectations; Moonlight and Valentino; Country Strong; Hush; Shout; BMT: View from the Top; Mortdecai; Notes: Possibly even more famous for Goop than being an actress at this point. She seems a little like a kook if I’m being honest, but to each their own. Won an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love.)

Christina Applegate – ( Known For: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy; Mars Attacks!; Bad Moms; The Book of Life; Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues; The Rocker; Going the Distance; Wonderland; Nowhere; The Big Hit; Employee of the Month; Crash Pad; Streets; Grand Theft Parsons; Sol Goode; Youth in Oregon; Farce of the Penguins; Jaws of Satan; Out in Fifty; Claudine’s Return; Future BMT: Vacation; Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead; Hall Pass; Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel; Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked; A Bad Moms Christmas; Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip; Mafia!; Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore; Just Visiting; Surviving Christmas; BMT: The Sweetest Thing; View from the Top; Wild Bill; Notes: She’s had a fun career. Nominated 8 times for Emmys (won once for a guest spot on Friends). She was launched to television stardom for Married with Children (over 250 episodes), and is still a huge television star.)

Kelly Preston – ( Known For: Jerry Maguire; From Dusk Till Dawn; Sky High; Twins; Gotti; Christine; SpaceCamp; Mischief; For Love of the Game; Amazon Women on the Moon; 10 to Midnight; Waiting to Exhale; Citizen Ruth; 52 Pick-Up; Addicted to Love; Off the Rails; Spellbinder; The Experts; Eulogy; Daddy and Them; Future BMT: What a Girl Wants; Death Sentence; From Paris with Love; The Last Song; Nothing to Lose; Secret Admirer; Jack Frost; Holy Man; Run; BMT: The Cat in the Hat; Battlefield Earth; View from the Top; Old Dogs; Notes: She was married to John Travolta for years and years and sadly died from cancer a few years ago.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $15,614,000 (Worldwide: $19,526,014)

(Yeah that’s rough. I remember when this came out and it was a huge bomb.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 14% (17/125): Uneven in tone and badly edited, A View From the Top wastes the talents of its cast and condescends to its characters.

(Badly edited. Boy howdy, I need to see this now! That seems like a rare consensus critique to come out of RT.)

NY Times Short Review: The satire is toothless, the romance … tepid, the portrait of stewardesses is dumb, jiggly babes anachronistic. Mike Myers has a  small,  unfunny role as a flight-attendant trainer with a crossed eye.

Poster – View from the Sklog

(I like the colors and I like the font. Don’t like much else about it. It also tells you almost nothing about the film… like why would anyone want to see this? The whole aesthetic is odd, as well. For so long I thought this was a period piece, presumably because of this poster. I also thought Ewan McGregor was in it… presumably because this aesthetic reminded me of Down with Love. C+)

Tagline(s) – Don’t stop till you reach the top. (B)

(How about… once you top the fun don’t stop? No? Well this is OK, I guess. Reminds me of a song, which is nice and it’s nice and short. It actually does kind of tell you what the film is about: corporate ladder climbing. OK.)

Keyword(s) – canada

Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 71.7 Zoom (2006), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Little Man (2006), Ouija (2014), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Kangaroo Jack (2003), Driven (2001), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), … (and many more)

Best Options (Romance): 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 53.3 Abandon (2002), 53.2 Aloha (2015), 52.1 Loser (2000), 51.7 View from the Top (2003), 49.4 Monster-in-Law (2005), 49.4 The Perfect Man (2005), 48.1 Surviving Christmas (2004), 47.7 Sleepover (2004), 47.0 On the Line (2001), 46.7 You, Me and Dupree (2006), 46.5 40 Days and 40 Nights (2002), 46.3 Slackers (2002), 45.1 The Ex (2006), 45.0 Home Fries (1998), 43.3 John Tucker Must Die (2006), 42.2 Autumn in New York (2000), 42.0 You Again (2010), 40.4 Intersection (1994), 40.3 Admission (2013), 40.3 Soul Man (1986), 40.2 Bubble Boy (2001), … (and many more)

(Yeah finally we actually got one that starred a bone fide born-in-Canada Canadian! This is night and high up on the list, and we had to pick out a Meyers to go somewhere.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Gwyneth Paltrow is No. 1 billed in View from the Top and No. 2 billed in Mortdecai, which also stars Paul Bettany (No. 4 billed) who is in Firewall (No. 2 billed) which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (4 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 16. If we were to watch Moonlight and Valentino, Must Love Dogs, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – The segment where the trainee flight attendants at Royalty Airways are undergoing training by John Witney (Mike Myers) included a lesson on how to deal with terrorists. The scene was cut from the film, and was not included on the DVD release as a deleted scene.

In 2019, British actor/writer/director Richard Ayoade found “View from the Top” so appallingly awful in every way that he wrote a book dedicated to the film, “Ayoade on Top.” He stated that he wanted to analyze the film as if it were Citizen Kane (1941).

This film wrapped filming in 2001, and was originally scheduled for a Christmas 2001 release, then after initial tests, an April 2002 release. However, after the terrorist attacks on the U.S. of September 11, 2001, the studio felt it was not appropriate to release a comedy which made light of airline flight crews. After another year in the can, and another round of edits which cut out cameo appearances by Robert Stack and Regis Philbin, the film was finally released in summer 2003. It promptly flopped and disappeared.

The character of John Whitney, played by Mike Myers, was cross-eyed. His office features photos of prominent real life figures with eye afflictions: Sammy Davis Jr. (who lost left eye in a car accident), Marty Feldman (had Graves’ ophthalmopathy, causing his eyes to protrude and become misaligned), and Peter Falk (His right eye was surgically removed when he was three because of a retinoblastoma, he wore an artificial eye for most of his life)

In an interview Gwyneth Paltrow admitted that she thought this was a terrible movie. This interview can be seen as a bonus feature on the DVD release of Thanks for Sharing (2012).