Oh man, get this. I was hanging at my weirdo security job with really creepy animatronic puppets, when one came to life and bopped me right on the head. Now I don’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Five Nights at Freddy’s?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) When we meet our hero he is a bit worse for wear. First, he barely sleeps. What does he do instead?
2) Second, he doesn’t have a job. Why not? What happened with his last job?
3) Finally, his aunt is pestering him. Why does she want to take his baby sister from him?
4) Welp, whatever. In the end we learn that at his new security job there are living animatronic puppets. Who / what are in the puppets though?
5) And finally, who’s in the puppet suit?
Bonus Question: Much like a video game this demands a sequel. In the mid-credits scene Hutcherson receives a call. Who’s there?
Patrick crashes through the swinging doors of the kitchen only to find himself back in the fancy restaurant, now even fancier as it is the site of Jamie’s wedding. “The great thing about this wedding is that it’s not just one wedding. Because I couldn’t choose just one bride. Isn’t that great!” Jamie says to the amusement of his guests. He sees Patrick and comes scurrying over. “Where have you been?” For a moment Jamie appears angry but then his face softens. “I’m really nervous,” he admits. Patrick looks around at the guests and finds that he’s also nervous. They are horrific creatures of darkness that only know suffering and pain (or is it pleasure?). “Hey can we talk about this?” Patrick says quietly, but Jamie isn’t listening. “Sure, sure, but first I got two weddings to get to. Three if you count your vow renewal ceremony. Your wife is coming, right?” Patrick stares back at him blankly. “Perfect. Just perfect,” Jamie glowers, “well more wedding for me.” With that he hops up on stage and snaps at the demon priestess to get the show on the road. Rusty hooks fly out from the walls and stab into Jamie’s flash. The priestess places what looks like a tiny bear trap on Jamie’s finger and he stammers out how much he loves Nerdy Demon and a weak, “This sure is nice. I’m getting so much pleasure from this.” Tears stream down his face as he turns to Sultry Demon and can only whimper, “Jesus wept.” The demon brides, delighted, tear at Jamie with their claws to complete the ceremony. Jamie turns painfully to Patrick and holds up some tickets. “And as a final present I want you and yours to join us on the honeymoon. A relaxing five nights at….” That’s right! Five Nights at Freddy’s! You’re probably all like “But wait, I know your cycle inside and out and how in the world is Five Nights at Freddy’s in the Achievement slot? The answer is ‘why not?’ We already completed the year. That’s the achievement. So let us do one of the biggest critical flops of the year that doubles as one of the biggest surprise hits of the year. Let’s go!
Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023) – BMeTric: 50.1; Notability: 17
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 3.6%; Notability: top 12.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 16.8%; Higher BMeT: The Exorcist: Believer, Meg 2: The Trench, Expend4bles, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, Best. Christmas. Ever!, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, 65, The Ritual Killer; Higher Notability: Rebel Moon: Part One – A Child of Fire, Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted, Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom, Expend4bles, House Party, Haunted Mansion, Heart of Stone, The Out-Laws, Meg 2: The Trench, Old Dads, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3, 65, Your Place or Mine, White Men Can’t Jump, Vacation Friends 2, The Exorcist: Believer, About My Father, The Family Plan, Insidious: The Red Door, and 10 more; Lower RT: Freelance, The Ritual Killer, 57 Seconds, Expend4bles, In the Fire, On a Wing and a Prayer, Fool’s Paradise, The Tutor, Vacation Friends 2, Robots, The Re-Education of Molly Singer, The Out-Laws, Knights of the Zodiac, Mafia Mamma, The Exorcist: Believer, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, Pain Hustlers, The Family Plan, God Is a Bullet, Rebel Moon: Part One – A Child of Fire, and 16 more; Notes: We had to pivot to this to some extent because we watched Fear … possibly the biggest blunder in recent BMT history. This movie seems far more fun even if it is probably “better”.
RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – You ultimately don’t need to care that much about why Abby bonds so quickly with Freddy and the gang, or why Vanessa knows so much about Freddy. But it might have helped if the movie’s programmatic jump scares and mostly unremarkable performances were more memorable. As it is, the movie is both too fast and too slow to be either shocking or moving enough. “Five Nights at Freddy’s” might satisfy the series’ established fans, but everyone else will have to look elsewhere for fun.
(Yup, this is exactly what I heard, that the film was very solid for people who knew the games (and the lore) but no so much otherwise. And I do know stuff about the games since I’ve vaguely watched videos of people playing it. So maybe that bodes well.)
(I wonder if the kind-of-too-famous guy in the trailer is the bad guy … looks kind of fun, but I can already tell it ends up being more silly than scary in reality. The kill where the girl gets eaten by the robot seems potentially fun though.)
Directors – Emma Tammi – ( Known For: The Wind; BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: She wrote this as well and will be writing I think both a second and third film maybe.)
Writers – Scott Cawthon – ( BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: Huh. The video game creator, but also back in the 90s he used to make bad looking CGI Christian films. So he seems like a 3D artist.)
Seth Cuddeback – ( BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: Nothing else of note, I think the weird bit is that all of these people have future credits on the sequels. I would assume at least a few just did a pass on the first, so I don’t know why IMDb would be thinking they would be attached to the second unless they either are, or there is some default thing happening.)
Emma Tammi – ( BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: She also directed a bit of Into the Dark which is a horror anthology television show.)
Chris Lee Hill – ( Known For: Tragedy Girls; V/H/S/99; Patchwork; Blowing Up Right Now; BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: Alright, here we go. This person definitely was a “horror” person they had do a pass on the script since they are not attached to the sequels.)
Tyler MacIntyre – ( Known For: Tragedy Girls; V/H/S/99; Patchwork; BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: Huh, was mostly an editor (and not even of horror films necessarily), but seems to have tacked to writing pretty high profile horror in the past few years.)
Actors – Josh Hutcherson – ( Known For: The Hunger Games; The Hunger Games: Catching Fire; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; The Polar Express; Bridge to Terabithia; The Disaster Artist; The Kids Are All Right; Journey to the Center of the Earth; Zathura: A Space Adventure; Journey 2: The Mysterious Island; Epic; American Splendor; Kicking & Screaming; Little Manhattan; Escobar: Paradise Lost; Detention; Tragedy Girls; Winged Creatures; Burn; Future BMT: RV; Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant; Firehouse Dog; BMT: Red Dawn; Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: He is in probably one of the more anticipated early year BMT films, The Beekeeper starring Jason Statham. I really hope that hits so we can get a nice Winter Season live in.)
Piper Rubio – ( BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Notes: Probably most notable for a recent four episode turn on For All Mankind.)
Elizabeth Lail – ( Known For: Gonzo Girl; Future BMT: Mack & Rita; BMT: Five Nights at Freddy’s; Countdown; Notes: Was recently in You (the Netflix show) which I think must be finished by now since I think it was intended to only go four seasons.)
Budget/Gross – $20 million / Domestic: $137,275,620 (Worldwide: $290,501,123)
(Jesus Christ … I mean … Jesus Christ. Yeah, that’s why you play the game. Horror can really just print money. This film only cost $20 million (basically a set and some dark hard to see CGI I guess, only need one reasonably priced star), so that is a lot of dough.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 31% (66/211): Loaded with Easter eggs, Five Nights at Freddy’s may be fun to watch for fans of the game, but most viewers of any other persuasion will find this adaptation muddled and decidedly unscary.
(Yes. This is everything I’ve heard about the film. That it isn’t a good film, but (as Ebert used to say) it is good for what it is. Although I actually think the reviews are like: it’s bad for what it is but also the fans will like it.)
Reviewer Highlight: You may chuckle, but it’s hard to tell if the movie is laughing with you. – Natalia Winkelman, New York Times
(I find this surprisingly boring. I like the sign, obviously, but otherwise seems a little ‘blah’ for a film about a killer Chuck E. Cheese or whatever. Some of the alternated are better. C+.)
Tagline(s) – Can you survive? (D)
(Nah. That’s no fun. Think of how many films this could apply to.)
Keyword(s) – Year 2023
Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Barbie (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (2023), The Flash (2023)
Future BMT: 84.6 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 67.0 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 48.0 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 43.8 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 43.5 House Party (2023), 37.2 Paint (2023), 35.8 Freelance (2023), 31.6 The Machine (2023), 28.1 Haunted Mansion (2023), 27.7 Love Again (2023), 24.9 Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023), 20.9 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023), 18.4 Nefarious (2023), 9.1 The Shift (2023), 9.1 Camp Hideout (2023), 8.8 Back on the Strip (2023), 8.3 Sweetwater (2023)
BMT: Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Expend4bles (2023), 65 (2023), Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), Retribution (2023), Hypnotic (2023), My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), Mafia Mamma (2023), About My Father (2023), Fear (2023)
Best Options (imdb-keyword-based-on-video-game): 50.1 Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023)
(I didn’t expect to see another video game film available. I was just curious. Given the success of the Super Mario Bros. this year though I guess I wouldn’t have been survived if I forgot some other film was based on a video game.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 11) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Matthew Lillard is No. 4 billed in Five Nights at Freddy’s and No. 3 billed in Wicker Park, which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (4 + 3) + (1 + 3) = 11. If we were to watch Firehouse Dog we can get the HoE Number down to 10.
Notes – Because of Foxy’s skeletal-like structure, he was built as a full-body animatronic puppet and performed by Russ Walko, along with a group of puppeteers from Jim Henson’s Creature Shop. In shots where Foxy walked, it took as many as six puppeteers to accomplish his full range of movements.
Unlike most studios using CGI for bringing creatures to life, Jim Henson’s Creature Shop was responsible for the creation of the Fazbear animatronics.
The animatronic characters were performed by puppeteers from Jim Henson’s Creature Shop. For shots where the characters weren’t moving, the puppeteers would control both the head and body movements. In the rare instances where a character would walk or dance, a stunt performer would don the costume while the puppeteers controlled the heads remotely.
Even before the movie was released, producer Jason Blum said that it had already made back its budget from selling the streaming and theatrical distribution rights.
In August 2018, Scott Cawthon said that if the first film were to be successful, there could be a second and third film, following the events of the second and third games, respectively. In January 2023, in an interview on the podcast WeeklyMTG, Matthew Lillard revealed he signed a three-picture deal with the studios.
Ah, the BMT double. It’s not an easy thing to do. There have been times when Bonus films were more regular (or maybe I’m just remembering it that way). But back then we also didn’t write much (or really anything) about the movies we watched. Our thoughts, our jokes, our thokes (those are thoughts that also act as jokes) were lost to the sands of time. To preserve our thoughts, though, makes a double quite the burden, so you know when we do it it’s probably because it’s a really, really good BMT film. *Looks over at My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3* Or maybe we just want to burn through this franchise and hope it doesn’t rise from the dead in 2030.
To recap, the Portokalos’ are back, Jack! Well at least some of them. A bunch of the family was quite old so of course some have passed and others have incurable neurodegenerative diseases (fun!). So when the family gets a letter about a reunion in their father’s village in Greece they set up a trip for them to go and represent their deceased father. Off they jet for Greece and we are treated to many beautiful vistas before arriving in what seems like a ghost town. Turns out the town has suffered and the reunion is more of a gambit to revive the town. Toula is trying to track down her father’s three childhood friends to give them his journal, but can’t find them anywhere. This issue is quite easily resolved as Toula’s husband chats with a local who is like “oh yeah, here’s where they all are.” Meanwhile, they discover a previously unknown half-brother from their father’s former flame who has a son who wants to marry a refugee (read: non-Greek). This also turns out OK as everyone is like “oh… uh, sure.” Invitations go out, the childhood friends are found, and the town is revived in time for the (you guessed it) impromptu wedding. As one final parting plot we find out that Toula’s daughter Paris is failing college because she partied too hard and so she’s resisting getting into a relationship with a boy she likes. But then she’s like YOLO and they make out. Oh and they decide to scatter their father’s ashes in Greece. THE END.
Oh boy. I’ll start with the good news. The film looks quite beautiful. I read that this is because Vardalos (who directed this one) insisted that they film on real film because Greece is so beautiful that she felt like digital wouldn’t do it justice. Good on you. It does look beautiful. In particular there are some night shots that look really nice. Alright, now for the bad news. This film is a mess. Shots don’t go with other shots. ADR is needed just to make scenes make sense. There is a scene on a rooftop where continuity is broken in almost every shot and I thought I was going crazy. There’s a joke that only works if the punchline isn’t in subtitles so instead of not doing any subtitles they do subtitles for the first part of the conversation and then drop them part way through… I thought the DVD was broken. But no, the joke was just broken. It’s insane directing. I also love Patrick pointing out that the film takes place less than a year after the second. Half the family has died… it’s been a tough year.
Hot Take Clam Bake! We aren’t done. You can take that to the bank. There is just no way we don’t have a “Paris is getting married” fourth film. It’s the natural conclusion. My prediction is that Aristotle (the beau from this film) has an even crazier Greek family. It’s a crazy Greek family face off. Literally Face/Off. They take each others’ faces… off. Toula exchanges faces with Aristotle’s mother in order to make sure Aristotle’s heart is pure. Hot Take Temperature: Started out as cool as the Mediterranean Sea and ended like a scorching Athens summer.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Time to make yo money! That’s right, we have to make this guy a vacation hot spot so that we can get money from the tourism board and also go on vacation while pretending to make a comedy. Let’s go!
Yeah so this film is weird. You’d think there would be like … a wedding in it? And there is. Don’t get me wrong. But it is buried so deeply within this Russian nesting doll of a movie it is hard to even recall who got married. I need to do my own recap just to convince myself this film is real.
The family is going to Greece because the father died and he wants his notebook given to his like … childhood friends he hasn’t seen since literally like the 40s or something? Meanwhile the mother straight up has dementia which is basically not resolved.
An aside: everyone looks really old in this film despite it literally taking place six months after the first film … that’s a mistake, but whatever. Why they didn’t just jump to the daughter’s wedding is beyond me.
They get to the village and outside of it there are all these migrants from Syria, and inside of it no one lives except a weirdo who is mayor and an old lady and her son who it turns out is their relative. Cool.
Yada yada yada they wander around a bunch, they reveal the daughter pretty much failed out of NYU, Joey Fatone and the other sister fly out to Greece and wander around, and the husband befriends a monk who just tells him where to find the people they are looking for, a little Deas Ex Monkina (heyyyyooooooooooo).
Regardless, can you tell this film is nonsensical? It looks great. But it makes no sense. Which is mostly what they key in on in all of the reviews.
But for real … why are we watching the long lost cousin marrying a Syrian migrant in Greece when we could instead be watching the daughter get married to someone in like Los Angeles and that be the whole culture clash instead. Then we could save the Greek trip for the fourth (Which I would call My Big Fat Greek Family Reunion or something).
I have to put a Product Placement (What?) for Greece, but also Tostitos which is so in your face it makes the trailer. And yeah, Setting as a Character (Where?) for Greece as well. They manufacture a ridiculous MacGuffin (Why?) in the form of the journal which no one should at all care about. And why not, Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that the brother brought the dad’s ashes over to spread on some thinking tree in Greece or whatever. I think this is an actual BMT film, although it is close to maybe just being kind of good. I just feel like it is BMT because it is totally ridiculous while also not necessarily being the worst thing I’ve ever seen which is kind of a recipe for being a little entertaining at least.
Finally, although now for the My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Father of the Bride crossover we’d been waiting for! That’s in the quiz. Cheerios,
Hey there, it’s me, Franchise Man. The superhero the world doesn’t want (but I know they need). I’m here to just remind you that franchises are great (It’s my superpower). Usually they start small, the plucky little upstart horror movie that blossoms into a fully realized world filled with self-conflicting lore. It’s beautiful. What is Jason? (you might ask) Well the Friday the 13th movies are there to give you several different answers to that question. What is Greek? That’s where the My Big Fat Greek Wedding franchise steps in. Every 8 years or so they drop one on us to remember that families exist, they can be Greek, and are there to ruin your life. As Franchise Man I don’t endorse the messages of all franchises, I only endorse their continued existence. So sit back, relax, and enjoy.
To recap, the Portokalos’ are back, Jack! They couldn’t stop Toula’s wedding in the first movie so now they are stuck with her half Greek family in the mix. But that’s not the point of this movie. No, the point is… wait, isn’t this supposed to be about a wedding? Not yet. See, the family is getting older, relying more on Toula and this puts strain on her family. This is particularly important as their daughter, Paris, is looking at colleges and they dearly want her to stay in Chicago. At the same time her father Gus decides to prove to the world that he is in fact related to Alexander the Great. In doing so he finds that, uh oh, he and his wife were never actually married. In the hurry to get to America the priest never signed the marriage certificate. Gus finds this funny, but Maria decides to hang it over his head as she feels like he doesn’t appreciate her. This creates a lot of kooky situations, but ultimately when he has a fall and has to go to the hospital he realizes his error and pleads for her to marry him again. In prepping for the wedding the planner quits because the family is insane and so they all work together to make sure the wedding goes off without a hitch. Or at least almost no hitches. Ultimately, Paris gets accepted at both NYU and Northwestern and ends up realizing she really does want to leave. Everyone understands and it’s fine. THE END.
Starting with the first film (which I had never seen), I thought it was very cute. I particularly liked how Toula realized she wanted to be a better version of herself, put in the work, and made it happen… that’s the beginning of the film. The love interest doesn’t even really show up until a third of the way through the film. Sure, the dad was legitimately mean to his daughter and it kind of made me sad to think that that is a real thing for people in the world, but besides that I liked it. The second film seemed to think that the kooky family was the only thing people liked because they cranked that up from 40% to 80% and left the plot in the dust. It still didn’t quite feel like a BMT film, though, as it was still a pleasant watch. Possibly it suffered by comparison (even if it is clearly considerably worse than the first film).
Hot Take Clam Bake! This is a minor point, but throughout the whole movie Paris is like “get out of my beeswax, I’m not going to Greek Club, stop pressuring me to date a Greek boy.” All while crushing on a boy in her class… who turns out to be Greek. Bullshit. There is no way this girl would be eyeing the kid and not know he was Greek. Even if she didn’t go to Greek Club she would still have seen him at some big Greek festival at some point, or in the Greek School, or in a load of places. Also, shouldn’t he have a giant family trailing him at all times? I’ve been led to believe that is standard operating procedure for a Greek family. My conclusion? That kid ain’t Greek. Just a liar. Hot Take Temperature: Piping Hot Spanakopita.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about a long awaited sequel to a beloved classic where we just run it back and it just isn’t nearly as charming as we remember? Let’s go!
I obviously watched the first film prior to viewing this, so let’s start there. That film was pretty charming. And they did quite a good job turning the main character into “Frump Girl” and in the end her relationship to her eventual husband kind of rings true because you can tell the character is initially charmed by her, and then is charmed again without even knowing it is the same person. That is funny.
I’ve known a lot of Greek people in my day, but unlike Jamie none of them really resembled the characters in the film. Sure … a few were genuine weirdos with weird attitudes about their work and stuff, but I always thought that was because they were weirdos. … Was it not? Hard to tell.
And ultimately the only issue with the first film really is that the father’s character has aged like milk. What a crybaby. Oh my daughter isn’t going to marry a Greek person. It’ll kill me. Get over it! And in the end he does. But still, I feel like there is a level of “okay Boomer” that maybe applies here that would come from a genuine place and be like … yeah, we probably don’t need to pay attention to that old guy telling his 20-something year old daughter that she looks old and crying about her not marrying a Greek guy. Just saying. Still, the first film was super fun in the end.
The second film isn’t as much. I think they picked a good storyline. I think it probably should have been a different wedding though. In reality it was right there. Joey Fatone. He’s gay and he wants to get married but can they even have a Greek Gay Wedding? Sure why not. That’s what I would have done. Dang … I might have spoiled the Quiz movie now that I think about it. I’ll get more into Fatone there though and also tell the story of how Joey Fatone performed at my Bachelor Party though so you can have fun with that.
The film is far too similar to the original though and it ends up just begging the question as to why it even exists. This is the thing though … Fatone! We need a new angle. And gay wedding is definitely that angle. What a missed opportunity, and it was sitting right there for them.
The ever present Product Placement (What?) for Windex which seems like a far far too specific thing that was just about the main character’s father and no one else. These films all have decent Setting as a Character (Where?) here for Chicago. I kind of love the Totally Ridiculous Reason (Why?) for the film to even exist in that the parents weren’t actually married years and years ago, like what is that? Nonsense. I think the movie is closest to Good, but I do that reluctantly and only because I still found the main couple quite charming.
Alright, My Big Fat Gay Greek Wedding is in the quiz. Then we’ll deal with the fourth one in the next recap. Cheerios,
Oh man, so get this. This time I have to fly to Greece to do a bunch of stuff, again for my parents. And (again) I fell unconscious from exhaustion and can’t remember a thing … you think I should see a doctor about this? Whatever, do you remember what happened in My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) We, again, might as start here: who is the titular wedding between in this film?
2) Why are they going to Greece in the first place?
3) What is the deep dark secret that the daughter is harboring?
4) How do they figure out where the father’s friends are who moved away from the town long ago?
5) And what is the big concern of the very young mayor about the father’s hometown in the film? How does she solve this problem and become a very good mayor?
Bonus Question: We remaking it. We need a new person getting married for the third, so who gets married in the whole new third film?
Oh man, so get this. My parents are getting married … again? Whatever, it is a whole thing. And while preparing this like crazy people I fell unconscious from exhaustion and now can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) We back baby. Might as well start here: who is the titular wedding between in this film?
2) What other storylines do we have? Well, the daughter is deciding between two colleges in the film. Which ones?
3) What else … oh yeah, the father is obsessed with the fact that he is specifically a descendant from who? In the end his daughter fakes a genetic test to “prove” her father right.
4) Also in the film the father gets quite badly injured, or at least, has to go to the hospital. Where does he get stuck?
5) When the father gets a bit tipsy in the police car on the way to the wedding the mother gets angry that he isn’t taking it seriously. What special guest at the wedding is there to save the day by convincing her of his love?
Bonus Question: We are remaking this film. What is the story?
The labyrinth is playing tricks on Patrick’s mind. Every time he turns a corner he catches a glimpse of Jamie and his demon lovers, but just as quickly he’s gone. “How are they so fast?” Patrick thinks, but then remembers that they are demons. When he turns the next corner he finds himself in a fancy restaurant. “What thuuuu…” Patrick says dumbly. “What thuuuu… What thuuuuu… cat got your tongue, Patrick?” Patrick hears Jamie say from behind him. “And where’s the wife? I was really hoping the whole gang could be here tonight.” Patrick turns slowly and sees Jamie and the two demons sitting at a table set for five. “She’s, uh…” Patrick says, but he shakes his head. This isn’t real. This is all meaningless. He has to keep a grasp on the real world. He sits down without saying more. “Riiight, well if this is everyone I have a speech.” Jamie says and the demons coo in their creepy demon way. “Before I met you two I was afraid. Afraid of life. Afraid of the future. But now I realize that the only thing I have to fear is fear itself. And that’s a Jamie original quote you can take to the bank.” Everyone in the restaurant applauds at his very original toast. “I love you,” Jamie says and the two demons croak an “I love you” back and it sounds like the voices of a thousand damned souls. “Will you…” Jamie takes a deep breath, “Will you marry me?” The nerdy demon faints and the sexy minx demon smooches Jamie deeply. “What…” Patrick stammers, stumbling backwards, “No… What is this devil…” Jamie smiles too broadly in his direction, his eyes speaking a horror that belies the glee in his Ray Liotta-like mask face. “Demon Wedding!” That’s right! We are partaking in the most damned of BMT weddings. That would be the two (that’s right, two!) Big Fat Greek Wedding sequels. The first was an unlikely smash. The other two? Not as much. Let’s go!
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023) – BMeTric: 38.6; Notability: 28
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 9.6%; Notability: top 2.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 14.4%; Higher BMeT: The Exorcist: Believer, Meg 2: The Trench, Expend4bles, The Black Demon, Knights of the Zodiac, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, 65, The Ritual Killer, Five Nights at Freddy’s, The Out-Laws, Insidious: The Red Door, Maybe I Do, White Men Can’t Jump, Retribution, In the Fire, Hypnotic, House Party, Fool’s Paradise, Heart of Stone, Locked In, and 4 more; Higher Notability: Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted, Expend4bles, House Party, Haunted Mansion, Heart of Stone, The Out-Laws; Lower RT: Confidential Informant, Freelance, The Ritual Killer, 57 Seconds, Assassin Club, Expend4bles, In the Fire, On a Wing and a Prayer, Fool’s Paradise, The Tutor, Vacation Friends 2, Robots, The Re-Education of Molly Singer, The Out-Laws, Knights of the Zodiac, Mafia Mamma, The Exorcist: Believer, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, Pain Hustlers, God Is a Bullet, and 10 more; Notes: I think ultimately we did fine for the end of the year cycle, but if things continue this way we’ll probably have to think through a new metric. It was quite a scramble to put things together.
RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – The original 2002 “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” is one of the most financially successful movies ever made, in terms of cost-to-return, earning over $360 million worldwide on a $5 million production budget. Of course, there would be sequels; the only mystery is why there haven’t been five or ten by now, rather than just two. The films are formulaic, but it’s an appealing formula, like a family recipe for a comfort food dish that isn’t going to win any Michelin stars but satisfies because it reminds you of being loved and taken care of. … This second sequel is escapist in a next-level way: it escapes from drama as well as life. The Greek tourism board is going to love it.
(Yup. That is also a bit confusing but I think ultimately it comes down to: Nia Vardalos didn’t want to do them until she had to / she was ready for MBFGW to maybe be a franchise she churns out. Unfortunately I think they waited too long if that was the plan. It would have made a lot more sense to have already done five and be calling it a day by now. I guess I could see a fourth though with the idea being it is the daughter’s wedding and now they are the weird Greek parents.)
(A lot of things happened … my father passed away. Well that is a downer of start to the trailer. The movie looks quite nice. But also it seems probably like it is not funny.)
Directors – Nia Vardalos – ( Known For: I Hate Valentine’s Day; BMT: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: Canadian actually, although her parents are (obviously) Greek. She is a US citizen now though.)
Writers – Nia Vardalos – ( Known For: My Big Fat Greek Wedding; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Connie and Carla; Future BMT: Larry Crowne; BMT: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: Her actual father was in the first two films in a small Greek role.)
Actors – Nia Vardalos – ( Known For: My Big Fat Greek Wedding; For a Good Time, Call…; The Curse of Bridge Hollow; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Connie and Carla; Wonder Woman: Bloodlines; Charming; Helicopter Mom; Dealin’ with Idiots; McKenna Shoots for the Stars; Men Seeking Women; Car Dogs; Future BMT: Larry Crowne; My Life in Ruins; BMT: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: Was married to one of the minor stars of the first and second film, Ian Gomez, who plays her husband’s police officer friend.)
John Corbett – ( Known For: Tombstone; My Big Fat Greek Wedding; To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before; Serendipity; Volcano; The Silence; To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You; To All the Boys: Always and Forever; 47 Meters Down: Uncaged; Gully; The Burning Plain; Ramona and Beezus; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Dinner Rush; Baby on Board; Elvis Has Left the Building; The Lookalike; Dreamland; All Saints; Bigger Than the Sky; Future BMT: Street Kings; The Messengers; Raising Helen; Raise Your Voice; Flight of the Intruder; God’s Not Dead: A Light in Darkness; BMT: Sex and the City 2; The Boy Next Door; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: Done a lot of random television, although still Sex in the City. And he’s somehow an integral part of the To All the Boys series.)
Louis Mandylor – ( Known For: My Big Fat Greek Wedding; Avengement; Doom: Annihilation; The Doorman; Daylight’s End; Sinners and Saints; One in the Chamber; Wrong Turn at Tahoe; The Game of Their Lives; Code of Honor; Night Walk; Renegades; Not Another Not Another Movie; Take; Antidote; Gang of Roses; Suckers; The Prometheus Project; Betrayal; Sorority Party Massacre; Future BMT: Mafia!; Necessary Roughness; BMT: Rambo: Last Blood; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; Memory; The Quest; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: Wait … he got third billing? His storyline in this is while. He has a crazy bad fake tan, and whitens his teeth, and dyes his hair and looks crazy. Reminder: this film is supposed to take place like six months after the original … yeah. Notably played “Joey’s Twin” on Friends.)
(You know what? That ain’t bad. I would guess the film still cost around $20 million to make because I bet Greece itself paid a bunch for the location. So it might have actually turned a profit.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 29% (27/94): Amiable and sunny if often unamusing, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 repeats much of what audiences loved the first time around but suffers from diminishing returns.
(It got better reviews than the second one! That is kind of weird. That rating is pretty much in line what I would have expected as well.)
Reviewer Highlight: The script functions like a recipe for its own opening shot of baklava; flattened and bland, Toula exists only to constrain the nuts. – Amy Nicholson, New York Times
(I’m just going to give this a C and move on. It’s the same as the second. Same as the first but doesn’t work as well because without the family trying to bust in from the side the spacing just seems weird.)
Tagline(s) – They’re Headed to the Homeland
(Sure. C-. I mean, you can’t just say what it is and get it by me. I’m pretty strict when it comes to grading the taglines.)
Keyword(s) – Year 2023
Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Barbie (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (2023), The Flash (2023)
Future BMT: 84.4 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 66.6 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 50.0 Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), 47.9 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 43.3 House Party (2023), 43.0 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 37.0 Paint (2023), 32.9 Freelance (2023), 31.4 The Machine (2023), 28.1 Haunted Mansion (2023), 27.4 Love Again (2023), 19.8 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023), 18.3 Nefarious (2023), 9.1 Camp Hideout (2023), 8.2 Sweetwater (2023), 7.9 Back on the Strip (2023)
BMT: Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Expend4bles (2023), 65 (2023), Retribution (2023), Hypnotic (2023), Mafia Mamma (2023), My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), About My Father (2023), Fear (2023)
Best Options (Romance):36.4 My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), 27.4 Love Again (2023)
(The only real good option. Looking at the ones we’ve done this year though … we did pretty well! I’m surprised.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Lainie Kazan is No. 4 billed in My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 and No. 4 billed in Gigli, which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (4 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 16. There is no shorter path at the moment.
Notes – Michael Constantine passed away in 2021. This movie is dedicated to his memory.
Michael Constantine, Bruce Gray, and Constantine Vardalos all passed away after My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. This film is dedicated to them.
First film that doesn’t feature Ian Gomez.
This movie only takes one year after the events of My Big Fat Wedding 2.
Elias Kacavis (Aristotle) wears a shirt that says “The Second City Chicago”. Nia Vardalos was a member of The Second City comedy group at the beginning of her career.
The labyrinth is playing tricks on Patrick’s mind. Every time he turns a corner he catches a glimpse of Jamie and his demon lovers, but just as quickly he’s gone. “How are they so fast?” Patrick thinks, but then remembers that they are demons. When he turns the next corner he finds himself in a fancy restaurant. “What thuuuu…” Patrick says dumbly. “What thuuuu… What thuuuuu… cat got your tongue, Patrick?” Patrick hears Jamie say from behind him. “And where’s the wife? I was really hoping the whole gang could be here tonight.” Patrick turns slowly and sees Patrick and the two demons sitting at a table set for five. “She’s, uh…” Patrick says, but he shakes his head. This isn’t real. This is all meaningless. He has to keep a grasp on the real world. He sits down without saying more. “Riiight, well if this is everyone I have a speech.” Jamie says and the demons coo in their creepy demon way. “Before I met you two I was afraid. Afraid of life. Afraid of the future. But now I realize that the only thing I have to fear is fear itself. And that’s a Jamie original quote you can take to the bank.” Everyone in the restaurant applauds at his very original toast. “I love you,” Jamie says and the two demons croak an “I love you” back and it sounds like the voices of a thousand damned souls. “Will you…” Jamie takes a deep breath, “Will you marry me?” The nerdy demon faints and the sexy minx demon smooches Jamie deeply. “What…” Patrick stammers, stumbling backwards, “No… What is this devil…” Jamie smiles too broadly in his direction, his eyes speaking a horror that belies the glee in his Ray Liotta-like mask face. “Demon Wedding!” That’s right! We are partaking in the most damned of BMT weddings. That would be the two (that’s right, two!) Big Fat Greek Wedding sequels. The first was an unlikely smash. The other two? Not as much. Let’s go!
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 (2016) – BMeTric: 30.8; Notability: 36
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 21.2%; Notability: top 13.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 20.9%; Higher BMeT: Fifty Shades of Black, Cell, Zoolander 2, Yoga Hosers, The Forest, Exposed, Cabin Fever, Meet the Blacks, Max Steel, The Darkness, Dark Crimes, God’s Not Dead 2, Blair Witch, Independence Day: Resurgence, The 5th Wave, Shut In, Gods of Egypt, Get a Job, The Boss, The Other Side of the Door, and 33 more; Higher Notability: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Suicide Squad, Zoolander 2, Independence Day: Resurgence, Alice Through the Looking Glass, The Brothers Grimsby, Warcraft, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, Allegiant, Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV, The Huntsman: Winter’s War, Ice Age: Collision Course, Now You See Me 2, Ben-Hur, The Legend of Tarzan, The Great Wall, Criminal, Live by Night, Assassin’s Creed, Gods of Egypt, and 13 more; Lower RT: True Memoirs of an International Assassin, Max Steel, Dark Crimes, Hacker, Cabin Fever, The Darkness, Fifty Shades of Black, Shut In, Misconduct, Mother’s Day, Exposed, The Do-Over, Get a Job, I.T., I Am Wrath, God’s Not Dead 2, The Forest, Dirty Grandpa, Cell, The Choice, and 32 more; Notes: We are five for ten on the higher notability count, but otherwise on BMeT and RT we aren’t looking so hot. Although the only one I would say I’m super excited for is eventually watching Max Steel.
RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – The original “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” was a fluke. A charming, warmhearted fluke, but a fluke nonetheless. It was broad and sitcom-y but it resonated with a wide array of moviegoers, despite the peculiarities of its cultural specificity, and it made a mind-boggling $369 million worldwide in 2002 … Her script is a mess, and no amount of Windex can clean it up.
(Wow, that is way lower than I would have expected. The film isn’t good, but it also isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Mostly it is just aggravating. This franchise oddly grew out of the era of horrible awkwardness and this film is now exception.)
(The jokes are terrible and honestly the “Why do you want to leave me!” is maybe the worst line of the series. It makes her look like a lunatic … which maybe the character is? But at least we have a story that seems somewhat fun and makes sense.)
Directors – Kirk Jones – ( Known For: Nanny McPhee; Everybody’s Fine; Waking Ned Devine; BMT: What to Expect When You’re Expecting; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; Notes: I think he might be retired. I wonder if this film was basically one last check to get him into a relatively early retirement (he was early 50s at the time). He was somewhat famous for advertising.)
Writers – Nia Vardalos – ( Known For: My Big Fat Greek Wedding; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Connie and Carla; Future BMT: Larry Crowne; BMT: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: She’s the main actress in the series and eventually directs the third. She’s done a lot of random stuff over the years, but almost certainly can just live off of My Big Fat Greek Wedding if she wanted to.)
Actors – Nia Vardalos – ( Known For: My Big Fat Greek Wedding; For a Good Time, Call…; The Curse of Bridge Hollow; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Connie and Carla; Wonder Woman: Bloodlines; Charming; Helicopter Mom; Dealin’ with Idiots; McKenna Shoots for the Stars; Men Seeking Women; Car Dogs; Future BMT: Larry Crowne; My Life in Ruins; BMT: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: The first movie started as a one woman play and Rita Wilson saw it and got Tom Hanks to produce a movie out of it.)
John Corbett – ( Known For: Tombstone; My Big Fat Greek Wedding; To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before; Serendipity; Volcano; The Silence; To All the Boys: P.S. I Still Love You; To All the Boys: Always and Forever; 47 Meters Down: Uncaged; Gully; The Burning Plain; Ramona and Beezus; I Hate Valentine’s Day; Dinner Rush; Baby on Board; Elvis Has Left the Building; The Lookalike; Dreamland; All Saints; Bigger Than the Sky; Future BMT: Street Kings; The Messengers; Raising Helen; Raise Your Voice; Flight of the Intruder; God’s Not Dead: A Light in Darkness; BMT: Sex and the City 2; The Boy Next Door; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3; Notes: I would have guessed his Emmy nom was for Sex in the City, but nope, he got a nomination in 1992 for Supporting Actor for Northern Exposure. He was Aiden Shaw in Sex in the City which IIRC was basically the “other guy” Carrie could have ended up with in the end. He shows up in the second movie.)
Michael Constantine – ( Known For: My Big Fat Greek Wedding; The Hustler; My Life; Prancer; Deadfall; Hawaii; Voyage of the Damned; The Reivers; If It’s Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium; Pray for Death; Skidoo; The North Avenue Irregulars; In the Mood; Don’t Drink the Water; Peeper; Beau Geste; Justine; The Last Mile; Island of Love; Forty Days of Musa Dagh; Future BMT: Thinner; The Juror; BMT: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; Notes: He was quite old in the second film and ultimately died in 2021. He won an Emmy for Room 222 in 1970.)
Budget/Gross – $18 million / Domestic: $59,689,605 (Worldwide: $90,632,641)
(That still ain’t bad. I’m a little surprised they managed to keep the cost below $20 million. Given the success of the first they could have blown it out for some destination version which they ultimately did for the third.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 27% (48/175): My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 is as sweet and harmless as the original, but its collection of sitcom gags and stereotypes never coalesces into anything resembling a story with a purpose.
(Yeah, that sounds about right. I mean, that was the same with the first, but at the time that felt at least somewhat fresh and original.)
NY Times Review: Even those who have spent the last 14 years pining for a sequel to “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” – by most accounts, the highest-grossing American romantic comedy – will rue that longing when they experience “My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2.” – Jeannette Catsoulis, New York Time
(I like the blue. Like the font. Obviously just redoing the first poster with whatever changes are necessary. Doesn’t work as well as in the first because you don’t really know what this is about. First was good, this one retreats back to being mediocre. C.)
Tagline(s) – People change. Greeks don’t. (B)
(I like it. Short, sweet, and we know we are in for the retread. Sure there are differences, but the important stuff will be the same. Good enough for a tagline.)
Keyword(s) – Year 2023
Top 10: Oppenheimer (2023), Barbie (2023), Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023), Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023), John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023), Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023), The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (2023), Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (2023), The Flash (2023)
Future BMT: 84.4 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 66.6 The Exorcist: Believer (2023), 50.0 Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023), 47.9 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 43.3 House Party (2023), 43.0 Fool’s Paradise (2023), 37.0 Paint (2023), 32.9 Freelance (2023), 31.4 The Machine (2023), 28.1 Haunted Mansion (2023), 27.4 Love Again (2023), 19.8 The Marsh King’s Daughter (2023), 18.3 Nefarious (2023), 9.1 Camp Hideout (2023), 8.2 Sweetwater (2023), 7.9 Back on the Strip (2023)
BMT: Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Expend4bles (2023), 65 (2023), Retribution (2023), Hypnotic (2023), Mafia Mamma (2023), My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), About My Father (2023), Fear (2023)
Best Options (Romance):36.4 My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 (2023), 27.4 Love Again (2023)
(Yeah not very many good options this year. If I had my druthers we wouldn’t have even done this since it ended up dragging the second along with it was which a bit of a chore.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Lainie Kazan is No. 5 billed in My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 and No. 4 billed in Gigli, which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (5 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 17. If we were to watch Raising Helen, and Two for the Money we can get the HoE Number down to 16.
Notes – Nia Vardalos’ husband in real life at the time of filming, Ian Gomez was also in this film as Mike. They later divorced.
This sequel took over 13 years to be made and contains mostly all of the cast and crew from the first My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002).
Filmed in Canada in Toronto’s Greektown area.
Mana-Yiayia speaks English for the first time in this film. In the previous film, she only speaks in Greek.
Third film that John Corbett and Nia Vardalos have been in together.
Fear is fantastic. Life changing really. All this time I was walking around not understanding the world. Like FDR stated to the nation “the only thing we have to fear is… fear itself.” I’m like, sure, but what about a vampire, FDR? Pretty scary stuff. But now I understand. He wasn’t talking about “fear” as a concept. He was talking about Fear the movie. Now I’m vibing, Frankie D. And take Star Wars. Yoda is all like “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” I’m like, yo, yoda, hold up. I’d be pretty scared of a Wookiee. He’d rip my arms off if he loses (and I always win). That won’t lead to the Dark Side. That’s just common sense. But now I’m back on Team Yoda. Fear definitely leads to anger, hate, suffering and the Dark Side. Yoda man, yoda. So there we go. Even before they made Fear, two of the greatest Americans of all time were lining up against it. Let’s see if they were right.
To recap, a bunch of dummies travel up to a closed resort in the middle of the pandemic in order to celebrate a birthday (and an engagement if the main character Rom would stop chickening out). His girlfriend, Bianca, has asthma and is skeptical about why they are up there. Rom is an author and everyone’s a little suspicious that maybe they are up there as part of research for his next book. He’s like “no, no” but really that’s exactly why they are there. Some spooky stuff starts happening, like the creepy resort owner feeds them garbage wine and their minds play some tricks on them, but really the scariest thing is Lou. You see, Lou is coughing a bunch and they are afraid he’s got Covid. Shortly thereafter they see a news report that a new super deadly strain of Covid is out and that everyone needs to stay inside. They throw Lou in the basement and one of their friends rushes out to be with her kid against their protests. When people find out what they did with Lou they go down to free him, but find him dead. Soon everyone is dying in a bunch of uninteresting ways vaguely connected to their own worst fears. By the end Bianca escapes to town where she finds that everything is OK and it was just the resort being a silly goose and pranking them. You done been Punk’d. THE END.
Woof. This movie is terrible. What a waste of time and potential. I could think up a million different ways that this could have worked. The first way was to make the fears interesting and then actually have them die that way. Claustrophobia, drownings, spiders, snakes, heights, etc. etc. etc. Now have a giant spider eat one of them. Instead they all die in super boring ways after we wade through a full hour of no one dying at all. It’s just a bunch of people fretting about Super Covid and bad mouthing T.I. There was a brief moment in the beginning where I thought we were going to get an old school slasher film like April Fool’s Day… but then it droned on and on and was just a dumb supernatural horror film. I hated this.
Hot Take Clam Bake. We shouldn’t have watched this. I know doing BMT is all about watching bad movies like this but, sigh, this wasn’t worth our time. We shouldn’t have watched this at all. We just shouldn’t have. I wish I didn’t. I wish I could go back and not watch this. It makes me question what we are up to. Does something need to change? How is it that we ended up having to watch this? Is BMT broken? Did we err in some way at some point? We just… we shouldn’t have watched this. Hot Take Temperature: Volcano.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Remember when horror films were scary or had any interesting ideas or (frankly) reasons to exist. Pepperidge Farm remembers. Let’s go!
This. Is. The. Worst. Film. I’ve. Seen. This. Year.
This film isn’t funny, charming, entertaining, nothing. This movie is garbage. It is a net negative. I cannot believe this was screened to producers and audiences and they went fuck it, release it, horror just prints money right?
Like, as we were watching this film we realized with growing fear (ha!) that we made a horrible mistake … obviously we should have done Five Nights at Freddy’s. This is a non-movie and doesn’t even deserve to be watched. This is the kind of movie where we are like “wait … are we somehow doing too many movies for BMT? Can we tweak the qualifications so that this specifically doesn’t qualify in the future?”
That would be my fear death. I would drink the fear juice and then later I would go into a trance and find myself in a theater watching Fear and being like “NO! I can’t watch this movie again!” And then ultimately I would walk over and like smash my face into a trashcan in the theater and in real life and die.
I’ve just been making fun of this movie. But there really isn’t anything redeemable here. The concept is stupid (an author drags his friends to a hotel with allegations of a witch coven based on fear, yada yada yada they all die from fear nonsense except the two that leave). The entire relationship to the pandemic is stupid (I don’t know if there are people in real life as stupid as the people in this movie are … I sure hope not). And it isn’t scary, the cardinal sin of horror. There is truly nothing about this movie I would call a kernel of an idea. It is all quite bad. And that is why it is the worst film of the year for me.
But even that is somehow being generous. There is no reason this should have been released to theaters. It should have been on Shudder where horror fans could have gone “meh” and I could have ignored it.
I’m going to go with Worst Twist (How?) for the obvious reveal that the entire second pandemic was fake news brought to you by the Lying Witch Coven of Strawberry Lodge. Sorry, the Strawberry Lodge witches merely subscribe to alternative facts, specifically that there is a severe airborne threat and you should all hang out in Strawberry Lodge. This movie is bad bad bad bad bad bad bad, and I really hope I don’t even give it the Bad award for BMT because it was too bad even for that.
Oh jesus, can I make a sequel to this … of course I can! One word: baby. Cheerios,
You just won’t believe this. So I was at the Strawberry Lodge for a long weekend, when I drank some of this dank fear juice and now I’m tripping balls. Unfortunately my biggest fear is forgetting what quizzes are about … do you remember what happened in Fear (2023)?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Why is the whole gang assembled at the Strawberry Lodge? Be specific, this is the reason given to the fiance.
2) But like … why are they reeeeeeeally at the Strawberry Lodge? Be specific, this is the reason the rest of the gang thinks is the case.
3) But like … what is the super duper secret reason they are at the Strawberry Lodge? Be specific, this is the reason the author actually suggested the place.
4) Welp, this place fucking sucks. Best get out of here. Except no one (except that one person) wants to. Why?
5) In the end the only thing they really had to fear was fear itself! Thanks FDR. Who survives the weekend at Strawberry Lodge?
Bonus Question: A year later we meet up with Bianca. What is she up to?
Bad Movie Twins 