cycle: daddio – Bad Movie Twins

About My Father Recap

Jamie

It’s not long ago that we would have been shocked to find ourselves doing a film like About my Father. Seems like a tiny film, something that could exist exclusively on some streaming service I don’t have access to. But I actually think it’s a great sign that something like this was released to 2400 theaters. Opportunity is all we need for BMT and maybe we’ll look back and think “the rock bottom for BMT was just around About my Father before things really turned around.” Interesting, too, that it’s paired with Head of the Family, as that has such an outsized place in my mind compared to its actual significance. This is one of a trilogy of films that play a major part in the lore of my favorite podcast, so its tenuous connection to the idea of “fatherhood” was enough for us. Now we just gotta think about the connections needed to snack on Castle Freak and Invisible Maniac.

To recap, hotelier Sebastian and artist Ellie are in loooooooove (oooooo, if you’re so in love then why don’t you marry her?). He’s planning on doing just that. A perfect opportunity comes in the form of an invite to the family’s big July 4th party in Virginia. Sebastian informs his father, Salvo (a proud Italian immigrant turned hair dresser), that he’ll be going this year for the holiday and Salvo insists that he join (otherwise no family ring for him). Ellie’s family is more than welcoming and off they jet to the exclusive community where the vacation home sits. Cultures are about the clash, though, as Salvo is pretty loud and in your face and Sebastian just wants him to calm down. Things are looking pretty good, though, when Ellie’s father (a mega rich hotelier himself) offers Sebastian management of their most prestigious D.C. hotel. One odd bit is that he sees that these hotels are decked out in Ellie’s art… seems like daddy has been spending the family fortune on propping up Ellie’s art career. Uh oh! He quietly accepts the offer and agrees to move from Chicago for the job. Meanwhile, Salvo continues to get in the wacky hijinks required by his contract as “kooky father.” He cooks up the family’s favorite peacock, gives the political matriarch of the family a horrible haircut (that goes viral in a good way), etc. etc. Ultimately, though, Ellie is hurt when she finds out about the art scandal and Salvo is hurt when he finds out they’re moving. Sebastian figures out that Ellie and his dad are what really matters and patches things up with them and agrees to stay in Chicago with the blessing of the whole family. THE END.

Despite a bunch of hacky gags (for example, Sebastian using a water hoverboard, losing his trunks, and then showing everyone his genitals… how can it be that it feels like I’ve seen that joke before?), I’m a bit of a sucker for a sweet family comedy like this. Nice ending, nice message, and Sebastian Maniscalco is pleasingly self-deprecating. So even though a multitude of things don’t work in the movie I think on the whole I didn’t mind this. It is very quick to the point and moves with purpose. I almost wish more stand-ups were forced to put their persona to the test with a 90 minute romantic/family comedy… see how it holds up to scrutiny. As for Head of the Family, I was surprised by how much I liked that film. Spoiler Alert: tons of nudity, but that’s not why I liked it. It was just good for a nice chuckle. All the characters are dumb or unpleasant so you can have a laugh at them all getting their comeuppance. What a surprising week for BMT.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Ellie and Sebastian are definitely ending up in D.C. He operates a boutique hotel, her art career is in the tank, his dad is elderly, and she is used to a certain lifestyle that includes pet peacocks and the like. When his dad passes away, they have a baby, and Lucky bombs at operating the big D.C. hotel then guess what is going to look pretty great? The brownstone in Georgetown and the opportunity to furnish a high end hotel with your art and a full time nanny and a vacation home. It’s just a matter of time. Hot Take Temperature: A balmy D.C. summer.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about a Best Supporting Actor performance from De Niro in a bad comedy? I mean … I’m hearing whispers. Everyone is saying he could win Best Supporting Actor. I assume for this. Let’s go!

On a more serious note this is one of the best De Niro performances in a bad movie I’ve ever seen. I don’t know if it is because he’s so old, or because he’s energized by Killers of the Flower Moon, but he is effortlessly charming in this film and it is nothing like the odd grating performances you’d see in something like Little Fockers.

The main character is a bit of a nothing. I’m sure I would understand the movie better if I knew who he was or what his comedy specials are like.

I do like that the film isn’t about their families splitting the couple apart. The families are grating to them specifically, but the significant other likes their future in laws. That’s fun.

The two brothers are the worst though and in different ways. The main brother (played by one of the guys from Workaholics) doesn’t quite work because you are kind of supposed to buy he’s good at sports (tennis and golf specifically) and also that he isn’t the most annoying person in the world. He isn’t and he is respectively. The other brother is a caricature out of nowhere and adds nothing to the film besides being an opportunity to make fun of Millennials I think.

The peacock thing is absurd and derails the movie for no reason. Well … fine, the payoff of them clearly convincing the family that the dog killed the peacock was okay.

Our final friend of the cycle is Head of the Family. It’s a goddamned classic for a reason. Full Moon is an interesting company, but there is something just fun about the oddness and grossness and the way it is shot. The funniest thing is how proud people seem to be about it. The woman in it apparently showed it to her children with pride. She is naked all the time in the film. But yeah, it is hugely entertaining, the effects are fun, and I could watch a million of these. There is no wonder that Stuart from the Flophouse semi-seriously recommended it over and over on the podcast in the early days. A+.

The brother gets dangerously dangerously close to a modern Planchet (Who?) here by serving as a living, breathing, butt of jokes. Lots of Johnnie Walker for Product Placement (What?) throughout the film. A great Setting as a Character (Where?) for Virginia as the hot July 4th spot for conservatives from DC. And a Not So Secret Holiday Film (When?) for a true blue July 4th film. We got a MacGuffin (Why?) for the mythical ring the main character needs to pop the question. And finally a Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that the parents have been buying the daughter’s art all along. The film is Good, but obviously it has a lot of good bad movie stuff to chew on throughout.

Read about the sequel I got planned in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

About My Father Quiz

Oh boy, so get this. I was chilling at my luxury golf and tennis club in Virginia when all of a sudden this lunatic smashed a tennis ball so hard into my nuts that I got a concussion (totally possible, look it up). Regardless, I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in About My Father?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Is this an easy one? What is De Niro’s job in the film? Hey, let’s kick it up a notch, what is the main character and his girlfriends as well.

2) Where do they live, where is the country club they are going for fourth of july, and where is the flagship hotel that is on offer as well?

3) Why, initially, is it indicated that the older brother wouldn’t be able to take over the flagship hotel instead of his soon-to-be brother-in-law?

4) What truly bizarre ritual does the main character and his father have before going to bed?

5) What scandal is revealed that almost completely sidetracks the main goal of the film which is, apparently, to propose to his girlfriend, something he could have done whenever but didn’t?

Bonus Question: Welp, obviously we need some craaaaazy happenings at the wedding. What happens?

Answers

About My Father Preview

September 1st, 69 A.D.

Artorius Shellacticus it looking like Adonis. Toga? Flowing. Hair? Luxuriant. Nose? Aquiline. His summer had been spent lazing about his father’s Roman villa having a laugh at the particularly ribald farces he took in at the local amphitheater. His father had one word of advice for him as he navigates this crazy thing called life: “why don’t go to the gladiator pit?” And with that he swept his arm in the general direction of the gladiator pit and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (what’s a movie?) he ventures forth and soon finds himself peering over the edge of the pit at the battle-ready gladiators below. Suddenly he feels a couple local bullies grab him by the arms and toss him bodily into the pit. “You’re now a gladiator,” says one of the gladiators. Artorius is confused and insists that that can’t possibly be right. Unfortunately the stinging whip of the gladiator master disagrees with his analysis. Shortly thereafter he is cowering in fear as gladiators rip each other to shreds around him, much to the delight of the crowd. “What do I do? Think, Artorius, think!” But memories haven’t even been invented yet. As Artorius looks to the heavens waiting to feel a gladiator’s sword cleave his head from his body he’s surprised to see a shining face in the clouds. “Artorius,” the face says, “remember everything you’ve learned from the amphitheater, for it holds the key to your survival and the survival of your royal line. Never forget the power of… ART!”

Just then Jamie and Patrick snap out of their memory trance. Their father’s butler, Clifford, is staring them hard in the faces and they vaguely recognize that he just finished saying something. “Wha… what was that about our father?” That’s right! We are finishing up the Art cycle by partaking in a very father-centric BMT film, About My Father. This is an old school comedian driven comedy that also stars Robert De Niro. We are cleverly pairing that with the Full Moon Entertainment classic Head of the Family. Let’s go!

About My Father (2023) – BMeTric: 31.1; Notability: 24

StreetCreditReport.com – Notability: top 4.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 16.3%; Higher Notability: Fool’s Paradise, Ghosted, Expend4bles, Haunted Mansion, Heart of Stone, The Out-Laws, Old Dads, Foe, My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3, Meg 2: The Trench, 65, Your Place or Mine; Lower RT: Freelance, The Ritual Killer, Dear David, 57 Seconds, Expend4bles, In the Fire, Fool’s Paradise, The Out-Laws, Knights of the Zodiac, Mafia Mamma, The Exorcist: Believer, Foe, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, Pain Hustlers, God Is a Bullet, Finestkind, Ghosted, Love Again, Meg 2: The Trench, Muzzle, and 14 more; Notes: Honestly the main issue we are facing with the 2023 cycle is how we manage to watch the fourth After film. It is an annual tradition. This year there is the added twist of them claiming they got a wide release when I’m 95% sure they did not.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – De Niro, bless his heart, is the engine that keeps this refurbished jalopy puttering along for 90 minutes. There are a couple of scenes that suggest the stronger, more fascinating movie that might’ve been: Salvo talking to his late wife while sitting on a bench by himself at night, only to be interrupted by Doug, and a scene between Salvo and Tigger where De Niro and the always fabulous Cattrall display natural flirty chemistry (even blowing cigar-smoke rings at each other). You may fantasize about what the film might have turned into if they’d decided to go down that path.

(I 100% agree with this review. I watched Killers of the Flower Moon and this quite close together weirdly. He is excellent in both. I don’t know if it is just his age or what, but De Niro exudes an effortlessness in his acting now that is very impressive. He can be De Niro, but still with looks and few words convey two drastically different characters. He’s by far the best part of the film.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txLSE7tpgr0/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txLSE7tpgr0/

(Looks dumb. Although fun to see that De Niro still speaks Italian in movies. I think he learned it for The Godfather Part II.)

Directors – Laura Terruso – ( Known For: Work It; Gayby; Good Girls Get High; Fits and Starts; BMT: About My Father; Notes: … How haven’t I heard of any of these films? How odd. It legit seems like she wrote/directed extreme extreme indies previously and this was her first major gig maybe?)

Writers – Austen Earl – ( Notes: This guy I think is missing because besides this he hasn’t really written a feature. He created the show Happy Together and wrote on a bunch of other series as well though. He’s a staff writer on The Santa Claus show.)

Sebastian Maniscalco – ( BMT: About My Father; Notes: The star of the show! Famous enough to get a voice in The Super Mario Bros. Movie. He has a bunch of Netflix comedy specials, and this is the flier to see if that can translate to movies. Old school in that way.)

Actors – Robert De Niro – ( Known For: Killers of the Flower Moon; Goodfellas; Cop Land; Joker; Heat; The Godfather Part II; Taxi Driver; The Irishman; Casino; The Deer Hunter; A Bronx Tale; Silver Linings Playbook; Once Upon a Time in America; Stardust; Cape Fear; The Untouchables; American Hustle; Raging Bull; Sleepers; Mean Streets; Future BMT: Great Expectations; Shark Tale; Meet the Fockers; The Family; The War with Grandpa; Little Fockers; Hide and Seek; Arthur and the Invisibles; The Fan; Analyze That; The Comedian; 15 Minutes; Showtime; Stanley & Iris; BMT: Amsterdam; About My Father; Dirty Grandpa; New Year’s Eve; Killer Elite; The Big Wedding; Grudge Match; Righteous Kill; Godsend; Notes: Only our 9th De Niro? That’s surprising. Y’all know him. He might win the Oscar this year, he was incredible in Killers of the Flower Moon. We’ll see though.)

Sebastian Maniscalco – ( Known For: The Super Mario Bros. Movie; The Irishman; Green Book; Somewhere in Queens; Tag; Spinning Gold; Cruise; Wild West Comedy Show: 30 Days & 30 Nights – Hollywood to the Heartland; Just Like Us; Future BMT: The House; The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature; BMT: About My Father; Notes: As you can see he has a lot of bit parts, but in big films. I wonder if De Niro signed on because he was in The Irishman.)

Leslie Bibb – ( Known For: Iron Man; Trick ‘r Treat; Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby; The Babysitter; Iron Man 2; Tag; The Babysitter: Killer Queen; Flight 7500; To the Bone; The Midnight Meat Train; Private Parts; A Good Old Fashioned Orgy; Wristcutters: A Love Story; Running with the Devil; Sex and Death 101; The Inhabitant; Hell Baby; The Lost Husband; Meeting Evil; Take Care; Future BMT: Law Abiding Citizen; No Good Deed; See Spot Run; BMT: Movie 43; About My Father; Zookeeper; Confessions of a Shopaholic; The Skulls; Notes: She is one of those actors that I recognize, but I couldn’t tell you from where. Ah, found it, she was Meegan in The League, a show I watched several seasons of and which, like Entourage, has had a tough aging process I feel like.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $12,089,391 (Worldwide: $18,167,819)

(Given the De Niro of it all I think this is tough. $30 and I could have believed he had a stew going, but $18 worldwide seems like a tough take.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 35% (30/85): About My Father finds star/co-writer Sebastian Maniscalco drawing on his own life for material — and inadvertently proving that a funny standup routine doesn’t necessarily make for an entertaining film.

(Sounds about right. It does feel like a series of vignettes highlighting different standup routines from a special about going to the Hamptons.)

Reviewer Highlight: De Niro, bless his heart, gives the movie more than it gives him. – Matt Zoller Seitz, RogerEbert.com

Poster – Aboot My Father

(That’s the Canadian-ploitation version of the film. I like the font, but that’s about it. C-.)

Tagline(s) – This Memorial Day weekend, feathers will be ruffled. (C)

(Oh boy. This is a tagline that relies on you seeing the trailer of the film which heavily features De Niro murdering a peacock… so… I’m gonna say that’s not great. Not even short. But at least it’s trying something.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), The Godfather (1972), Scarface (1983), 12 Angry Men (1957), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Back to the Future Part II (1989), Dead Poets Society (1989), Citizen Kane (1941), The Game (1997), Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 59.0 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.1 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.9 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.3 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.7 Speed Zone (1989), 41.7 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.4 Club Paradise (1986), 39.0 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 38.0 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 37.0 Desperate Hours (1990), 36.0 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.8 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.4 Spring Break (1983), 34.2 Father Hood (1993)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Leviathan (1989), About My Father (2023), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Fools Rush In (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Kickboxer (1989), Magic in the Water (1995), Lock Up (1989), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Best Options (year2023): 31.1 About My Father (2023)

(Yeah I added anything with “father” in the title to work for this cycle, which is how we made the leap. Worked out well I think. I think quite a successful Bring a Friend cycle this year.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 10) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Robert De Niro is No. 2 billed in About My Father and No. 1 billed in Righteous Kill, which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 10. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Just like Sebastian Maniscalco’s character (also Sebastian), his father was a hair-dresser who immigrated from Italy at age 15.

The dish Salvo whips up is called Carciofo e Pavone, which literally translates to Artichoke and Peacock

When Sebastian and his father are burying the peacock, Sebastian remarks “you act like you’ve done this before.” An obvious nod to the scene from Goodfellas when Robert Deniro’s character buries Billy Batts.

Just like Sebastian Maniscalco’s character (also Sebastian), his father was born in Sicilia, Italy. His mother was Italian as well.

In Spain it was titled “Todo sobre mi padre” (all about my father), as a slight hint to the Pedro Almodóvar’s movie All About My Mother (1999).

Kickboxer Recap

Jamie

Sometimes our eyes get a little bigger than our BMT stomachs, but usually that’s because we recognize that a veritable smorgasbord of goodness is coming our way. How couldn’t we watch Kickboxer and Kickboxer III: The Art of War as our Bring a Friend combo when both films happened to air on a September 1st in the 90’s? And how couldn’t we supplement that with a bonus Kickboxer II: The Road Back? It’s impossible. It’s literally impossible. Show me someone who says they could resist that and I’ll show you a liar. If you’re reading this and think “I’m not going to watch three Kickboxer movies in one week,” I’m here to tell you… you’re a liar. Did you even hear the subtitle “The Art of War”? When this whole cycle has been an Art cycle… *ring* *ring* hello, it’s me, destiny, and I’m here to turn on your radio. What’s that? What about Kickboxer IV: The Aggressor? Stop being ridiculous. We may be crazy, but we’re not stupid.

To recap, Eric Sloane is the world champ in kickboxing but everyone is like “you can’t beat Thailand.” Being dumb he’s like ‘oh yeah?’ and schedules a fight in Thailand against a totally unknown fighter in Muay Thai, a type of fighting he’s never done. His much smarter younger brother Kurt is like “don’t do it,” particularly when he hears that his opponent Tong Po has killed people and mostly stands around punching concrete pillars all day like a psycho. But Eric (being quite stupid) fights him anyway and is paralyzed. Kurt is devastated and after getting laughed out of all the gyms in Bangkok accepts the help of expatriate Taylor to find Xian Chow, a famous Muay Thai trainer. After some training and some smooching with Chow’s niece Mylee, Kurt wins a fight to set up the revenge match with Tong Po. Tong Po’s trainer puts all his money behind Po and in very 80’s action film fashion decides that he should probably insure victory by having Tong Po kidnap Eric and rape Mylee. He holds Eric hostage to force Kurt to go the distance but ultimately throw the match. Mylee is ashamed and begs Tylor to help get Eric back so Kurt doesn’t have to lose. Taylor and Chow get Eric back just in time for Kurt to turn the match around and destroy Tong Po. THE END.

Boy, I very much enjoyed this very dumb movie. We’ve seen a lot of JCVD movies over the years but I think this might be the best one to help understand his draw as a potential movie star. And not just because you can see that he knows what he’s doing in terms of kickboxing and has some natural charisma and charm. It’s mostly because the actual pro kickboxer they got to play Eric is flat as can be. It seems hard to find both a guy who pops on screen and knows how to make a fight look real and he can do it. Tong Po is also a good villain. It’s fluff, but it’s fun fluff. As for the sequels, boy oh boy oh boy. This is what Bring a Friend is all about. Sasha Mitchell clearly likes to kickbox, but he’s a totally ridiculous actor. I vaguely recall his character on Step by Step was kind of a dumb lunk and this is right in line with that. The first sequel is pretty funny in how they stretch the backstory (he’s a previously unmentioned younger brother of the characters from the first film who “died because of kickboxing”… but they also show Kurt being shot in cold blood by Tong Po?) but otherwise is not so different than the original. The third film. Hoooooooooooo doggy. Holy shit. What a wild ride. Suddenly we are in Brazil, our boy Sasha is adopting children, there’s a real crazy sex trafficking story line that is already out of place in this kickboxing (?) movie… but then Sasha goes totally commando out of nowhere and murders people. And he’s like “it’s always hard to kill people.” Is it?… Is it, Sasha? It’s also amusing because in multiple movies people die or are paralyzed during sanctioned matches and Sasha stands up at different points and rails on the corruption in the sport and I can’t tell if these films are supposed to be an advertisement for or a warning against kickboxing.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Frank Lane wanted to get caught and killed by Sasha. He was suicidal. Think about it. Here’s a rich guy running a sex trafficking ring in Brazil. He’s got authorities on his payroll. Things are going pretty well. In walks a kickboxing champion with a street urchin and his sister in tow. What do you do if you are a master criminal? Do you A) wait until after the kickboxing match, say a fond goodbye to Sasha, and promise to look after the girl? OR B) take the girl right then, antagonize Sasha, leverage all your wealth betting against the champ, and then get killed by a child? You can think over those two choices while also marveling at the fact that this take came from Kickboxer 3. Hot Take Temperature: Brazil.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about a JCVD classic besmirched by critics (are you dumb?) and supplemented by two direct-to-video sequels (wait … are we dumb?). Let’s go!

Hellllllllllll yeah … so yeah, obviously I’ve seen this film before and I was like “cool, good movie, enjoyed it..” And then when I saw the Rotten Tomatoes score my eyes popped out of my head and steam came out of my ears. Ric-goddamned-diculous.

Sure the brother actor is terrible. And so is the bad guy. Both of those guys are also kickboxers who can’t act their way out of a paper bag but whatever.

And sure they go straight to the issue I’ve had with a lot of these low budget 80s and 90s films: literally paralyzing and nearly killing someone is fine, but when they want to kick up the bad guys’ badness another degree they can’t help but go straight to sexually assaulting someone the hero loves. Blah.

And fine the mentor character is kind of a weird cartoon and a total knockoff of Miyagi.

But goddamned if I don’t really enjoy Bloodsport, this, and The Quest. There is something so pure in the descent into madness that series of films ends up being once you consider the progressive amount of control JCVD had in each of them. One sec, have to pop in my Criterion Steelbook of The Quest.

Oh I almost forgot the dance scene. The dance scene is a must watch. I think the Criterion Collection released just the dance scene as a 4K/Blu-Ray 2-disc special edition.

Let’s roll right into the sequel shall we? We did the two main sequels to the film as Friends, the first being Kickboxer II: The Road Back. Also fun. The main actor is an abomination though. I can maybe see what they were going for, and by all accounts he was a kickboxing fanatic, but they needed an actual kickboxer in the role. His friend ended up being in a few more films eventually and I think he could have maybe held his own in the role. I just don’t buy the guy from Dallas as an elite kickboxer, and there are some laugh out loud moments with his character, specifically at the end when he mumbles “Do you have no honor” while bleeding profusely from his face. It is honestly priceless. Still though, a pretty fun if at times weird movie.

Now as for Kickboxer III: The Art of War … what the hell? This movie is some of the most incredible shit I’ve ever seen. Somehow the main actor has gotten worse since his last outing in the role. His character at times comes across as genuinely dumb, and his outfits … he starts the movie in a truly sublime bright red set of overalls, and later pops on some shorts where I could (I swear to god) see the entire outline of his dick. This was the actor’s clothing. It has to be! Anyways, eventually because some manager who is setting up kickboxing tournaments turns out to be a pedophile and a child prostitute sex slaver you know what that means … yeah, our kickboxer has to shoot like 12 people in the face and save everyone. Yup, he Seagals it. No need to know any martial arts, he barely does any in the film, nope, he just gets an automatic and sprays bullets at any bad guy he sees. And sure, there is a weird bit where they try and exercise him to death, but in the end that only makes him stronger (obviously) and he destroys the crazy guy he was brought in to spar with. This movie is bonkers. This is exactly what I want direct-to-video sequels to be … well, minus the child sex trafficking. But yeah, 10/10, A, I would watch these films again, they are hilarious.

Obviously a great Setting as a Character (Where?) for Thailand (although it is never beating the A+ Bangkok Dangerous). I think that is it, it isn’t a real twist that Van Damme wins. The movie is obviously Good.

Read about my direct sequel to the original in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Kickboxer Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I’m a kickboxer. I get kickboxed in the head all the time. I’ve sustained a thousand concussions. I don’t remember anything. Do you remember what happened in Kickboxer?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) JCVD and his bro are off to Thailand to show off older brother’s championship kickboxing skillz. What freaks JCVD out about the upcoming match?

2) What injury does the brother sustain?

3) Welp time to train. How does JCVD meet his Mr. Miyagi?

4) How does not-Mr.-Miyagi get JCVD into the big fight?

5) What do the bad guys do to try and psych out JCVD right before the fight?

Bonus Question: So what happens to JCVD after the big fight?

Answers

Kickboxer Preview

September 1st, 1966

Arthur is looking outta sight. Collar? Popped. Pants? Tight. Sideburns? Loooong. His summer has been spent jamming to the latest hits on his record player. His dad had one word of advice for him as he navigates this crazy thing called life: “why don’t you get outside for some fresh air?” And with that he swept his arm in the general direction of Central Park and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (nature’s movie is Born Free) he ventures forth and soon finds himself groovin’ around the park. Just when he catches the eye of a lady and pops her a patented Arthur Finger Gun, he feels a hand grab his shoulder. “Did you just pop my gal a Finger Gun, buddy?” A fellow of the football variety asks him. Arthur assures this fine fellow that in fact he was popping the finger gun to the old peanut vendor that happened to be behind his gal. He also assures him that he’s got a nice gal himself up in the Niagara Falls area that wouldn’t take kindly to such behavior on his part. But this doesn’t fool the football fellow and Arthur soon finds himself upside down in a trash can. “I can’t abide this!” he says, slamming his fist into the side of the trash can. But what can he do? He looks over at a flier for kickboxing lessons. He nods his head slowly but eventually discards the idea. He is already a martial arts master. “I need to showz these bozoz.” He says, which is not only a very cool thing to say, but also happens to be a cosmic key that inadvertently connects him to his ancient ancestors. His eyes glaze over and he enters a patented Artorius Memory. That’s right! Arthur may not be taking Kickboxing lessons, but we are. We are watching the JCVD classic Kickboxer where JCVD kickboxes a bunch (I’m just guessing). We are also pairing this with Kickbozer 2 and 3 which look pretty great (even though they replace JCVD with Step by Step’s Sasha Mitchell). Let’s go!

Kickboxer (1989) – BMeTric: 20.8; Notability: 14

StreetCreditReport.com – Notability: top 23.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 24.9%; Higher Notability: Tango & Cash, Troop Beverly Hills, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child, Harlem Nights, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Fletch Lives, Leviathan, Lock Up, Pink Cadillac, Listen to Me, Family Business, Millennium, Three Fugitives, Dead Bang, Let It Ride, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, Renegades, Slaves of New York, The Karate Kid Part III, and 38 more; Lower RT: The Toxic Avenger Part II, Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects, Speed Zone, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, House III: The Horror Show, Elves, Worth Winning, Night Game, Second Sight, Wired, Dream a Little Dream, Wild Orchid, No Holds Barred, She’s Out of Control, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Millennium, Chattahoochee, The Lemon Sisters, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, and 38 more; Notes: The Top 10 90s Listing Plays for qualified films: The Karate Kid Part III (161); Who’s Harry Crumb? (136); Physical Evidence (94); Family Business (91); Road House (89); Pink Cadillac (82); Speed Zone (78); Harlem Nights (75); Gross Anatomy (75); Dream a Little Dream (75). Only seen one of those. This ain’t on there either, Kickboxer played around 46 times, so a decent amount. Man, Karate Kid III played like a thousand times in 1990.

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – Van Damme seeks revenge against Thai fighter who crippled his brother. Strictly by the numbers. Followed by several unrelated sequels.

(UNRELATED! Slander. The main character is supposed to be the younger brother of the two characters from Kickboxer. Relatedly I’m a bit surprised at least the second didn’t get a review in the Maltin book, but I guess there is a bridge that is even too far for Leonard.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1vPYM1d3wo/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1vPYM1d3wo/

(Cannon. Nuf said. But for real, that looks bomb. Ridiculous that people are like “dumb movie”.)

Directors – Mark DiSalle – ( Future BMT: The Perfect Weapon; BMT: Kickboxer; Notes: Color me a bit skeptical here. He is a producer and only has credits for Kickboxer basically. I imagine he directed the film, but brought in Worth to “advise” or something?)

David Worth – (Notes: Oddly he isn’t in TMDB or something? He has directed a ton of stuff, including a few Cynthia Rothrock films we’ll probably watch.)

Writers – Mark DiSalle – ( Known For: Kickboxer: Vengeance; BMT: Kickboxer; Notes: Yeah there is very little about this guy, and I can’t be bothered to look it up. He doesn’t have a wiki … I think he just really really liked kickboxing?)

Jean-Claude Van Damme – ( Known For: Kickboxer: Vengeance; The Eagle Path; The Order; Future BMT: Lionheart; BMT: Kickboxer; Double Impact; The Quest; Notes: This and Bloodsport are the guys. He apparently heavily edited Black Eagle, and then in Bloodsport and this he claims in some places that he did all of the directing and choreography for the kickboxing. And in both of those he brought along Michel Qissi who was his good friend from Belgium.)

Glenn A. Bruce – ( Known For: Cyborg Cop; BMT: Kickboxer; Notes: Apparently was originally tapped to develop Bloodsport as well, but lost the project. Afterwards he was brought on to develop Kickboxer.)

Actors – Jean-Claude Van Damme – ( Known For: The Expendables 2; Minions: The Rise of Gru; Kung Fu Panda 2; Bloodsport; Kung Fu Panda 3; Street Fighter; Hard Target; Timecop; No Retreat, No Surrender; In Hell; Sudden Death; Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning; Kickboxer: Retaliation; The Last Mercenary; Inferno; JCVD; Black Water; Legionnaire; Kickboxer: Vengeance; Welcome to the Jungle; Future BMT: Last Action Hero; Lionheart; Breakin’; Death Warrant; Maximum Risk; Nowhere to Run; Missing in Action; BMT: Universal Soldier; Cyborg; Kickboxer; Double Impact; The Quest; Double Team; Universal Soldier: The Return; Knock Off; Notes: Y’all know Van Damme. This film is chockablock with his friends from Belgium and the wider kickboxing community. Dare I say this is probably the best example he has of creating the movie he was born to create. Bloodsport is the only one that could maybe stand beside it.)

Dennis Alexio – ( Known For: Picasso Trigger; BMT: Kickboxer; Notes: Picasso Trigger?! You kidding me? His IMDb bio is quality: “Dennis “The Terminator” Alexio is considered to be one of, if not the, greatest heavyweight kickboxing champion in the sport’s history. His record is an outstanding 70-2, with 65 wins by way of knockout.” Ignore the later stuff about outstanding child support and bank fraud. Actually seems to be most famous for getting his shin shattered during a widely televised match.)

Dennis Chan – ( Known For: The Man with the Iron Fists; Naked Weapon; Yes, Madam!; Kickboxer 2: The Road Back; God of Gamblers; Twin Dragons; Heart of Dragon; Kickboxer 3: The Art of War; Fight Back to School; Future Cops; A Simple Life; Naked Killer 2; A True Mob Story; Seventh Moon; Naughty Boys; I Love Maria; Mermaid Got Married; The Lunatics; Pom Pom; Hong Kong Corruptor; BMT: Kickboxer; Knock Off; Notes: Oh snap he was in Knock Off too?! He was in the original trilogy, but doesn’t seem to have made the jump to the fourth one. Was born in Hong Kong and he and his brother seemed to have been big deals there.)

Budget/Gross – $2.7 million / Domestic: $14,697,005 (Worldwide: $14,697,005)

(Yeah that’s solid. But Van Damme is going to Van Damme and can’t be locked into a Kickboxer franchise. So he moves onwards and upwards to fame.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 36% (4/11)

(Ah I get to do a consensus: Derivative of the bigger films of the genre, the only thing that could save it is excellent acting … this ain’t it.)

NYT Short Review: Martial arts yarn set in Thailand. American kickboxer and Asian master.

Poster – Sklogboxer

(Wait, how did I transport back in time and hang this poster up in my childhood bedroom? I like the color scheme. Font isn’t great, but I like how it’s like old school cartoon art. I think it looks pretty cool. A-.)

Tagline(s) – An Ancient Sport Becomes A Deadly Game. (B)

(That’s not a bad cadence. Not sure about the juxtaposition of Ancient and Deadly, but it’s trying something, so I can forgive some of the clunkiness and length.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Leviathan (1989), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Fools Rush In (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Kickboxer (1989), Magic in the Water (1995), Lock Up (1989), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

Best Options (IMDb keyword kickboxing): 20.8 Kickboxer (1989)

(Oh good there was a kickboxing one to do. Joking, I matched up Kickboxer to a funny keyword to see if any other kickboxing films that qualified would work for the cycle. Evidently not. Here we are just doing the most obvious and hilarious qualified-friends trilogy we could find.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jean-Claude Van Damme is No. 1 billed in Kickboxer and No. 1 billed in Universal Soldier, which also stars Dolph Lundgren (No. 2 billed) who is in Expend4bles (No. 4 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch Norm of the North we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – Dennis Alexio, who plays Eric Sloane, was a World Light Heavyweight and World Cruiserweight kick boxing champion in real life.

The scene in which Kurt has meat tied to his leg and is chased by Xian Chow’s dog was inspired by a real-life event in which a young Jean-Claude Van Damme was ordered by his karate teacher to wear a protective suit and withstand the attempts of a trained dog to pull him to the ground.

The title held by Dennis Alexio’s character in the movie – the International Sport Karate Association (ISKA) Heavyweight Championship – is a real championship and has been held by Alexio during his fighting career. The belt in the movie, however, is not modeled after the actual belt.

Michel Qissi was a technical advisor/choreographer when he overheard the production crew say they were looking for a tall oriental-looking guy with a background in Muay Thai. He volunteered, and got the part of Tong Po. Because he is originally from Morocco, make-up was used to make him look more Asian.

Tong Po is mistakenly billed as playing himself (during the film’s credits). In fact, Michel Qissi played the villainous Thai for this film and its sequel Kickboxer 2: The Road Back (1991). Kamel Krifa played the character in the 4th. Qissi can also be seen in three other Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, Bloodsport (1988), Lionheart (1990) and Kickboxer: Vengeance (2016). In Bloodsport, Qissi is the fighter that gets his leg broken by Chong Li. In Lionheart (AWOL) Qissi plays Moustafe who alongside another legionnaire is trying to bring Lyon from America back to Africa. In Kickboxer: Vengeance, a remake of this movie, Qissi has a brief in-joke cameo as a prisoner who remarks “You forgot about me?” as van Damme walks past his cell.

Arthur (2011) Recap

Jamie

While this is not the final “Arthur” film of the year, it is the culmination of our year-long “Arthur” cycle. We’ve learned, loved, lived, learned to the love and live, and lived to learn and love as Patrick has navigated the data necessary to make such a cycle possible. It’s very hard trying to figure out what films have played on TV on a series of specific dates. A true technological achievement. And it tells you a lot of how far we’ve come. In the beginning we were just watching along with a podcast and mostly limited ourselves to films that we could both readily obtain from Netflix. I remember balking at paying for a rental of a BMT film. We couldn’t possibly, right? Nowadays we watch several BMT in theaters. We have ordered Bring a Friends (friends!) on VHS that we then had to convert into a watchable format! On a much brighter note we now employ our local public libraries for almost all films that we would otherwise pay for, so overall the “we would prefer not to pay for a BMT film” philosophy has blessedly persisted. But really, the true crowning BMT achievement is not our willingness to spend money for BMT… it’s the willingness of Patrick to spend many, many hours developing an advanced algorithm to analyze New York Times TV listings for BMT. It brings a tear to your eye (interpret that as you will).

To recap, Arthur is a rich, drunk asshole. But this time it’s not his fault (I pull Arthur in for a hug) It’s not your fault, Arthur. It’s not your fault. When his mother decides to cut him off unless he marries the stuck up Susan Johnson he relents because he likes his money. In the meantime he meets a free-spirited Naomi, who captures his heart with her dreams of writing a children’s book. He tries to quit drinking and get a job so he can disobey his mother, but alas, Naomi finds out he’s engaged and breaks it off. His butler Hobbes, who likes Naomi for Arthur, tries to talk to her, but ends up having to go to the hospital. When Arthur rushes to Hobbes’ side Naomi finds out from Susan that the only reason her children’s book is getting published is because Arthur bought the publishing company. That pretty much ends things for them officially. Arthur is sober while taking care of Hobbes, but when she dies he relapses. On his wedding day, though, he finds a letter from Hobbes and decides to go after Naomi once and for all. Naomi still isn’t ready to take him back, though, so Arthur spends time working on himself. He realizes that it’s not his fault (I hold him even tighter as he sobs in my arms) and he takes over his family’s charitable work. Later he meets Naomi at a book reading and they tearfully smooch… hard. THE END.

The first Arthur film was unabashedly Arthur. I went into it biased. I recalled seeing it on TV here and there growing up and I didn’t really “get it.” It was a classic and yet I never saw anything funny happen. On watching the whole thing I was surprised. The butler was definitely very funny and Arthur himself wasn’t nearly as annoying as I expected. The sequel, though, decided to wade into the hilarious waters of infertility, adoption, and alcoholism and was a barrel of anti-laughs. Where did they go wrong? They stopped being polite and started being real. So obviously the remake would resolve that issue… oh wait, no. Apparently they decided the second film had it correct and Arthur’s alcoholism and trauma should be part of the narrative. We really can’t have fun anymore with this kind of stuff. Which is fine, but it also means they probably just shouldn’t make a remake of Arthur. The film is all over the place as it tries to navigate how to get everyone into the right places where we feel good about the alcoholic asshole getting the girl. All that being said… I thought the acting and casting was pretty good for what was a not very good movie. As for Replicant, I thought this was a pretty fun movie. If you dig the cheesy badness of 90’s and 2000’s serial killer films, then just imagine that mixed with Michael Rooker, JCVD in dual roles, and it actually being about super pseudoscience mumbo jumbo. There are also two scenes involving a prostitute that has to be seen to be believed. They’re deranged. All together that’s a winning combination in my book.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Since we all decided that Arthur (2011) has to be true to life I guess I’ll just have to drop this hilarious nugget right here: Arthur and Naomi won’t make it. He’s an alcoholic, womanizing asshole. He’s a manchild that used alcohol as a crutch to deal with emotional trauma he never properly dealt with. His mom is still crazy and he’s still involved in the family business. This is not going to end well. To draw a parallel we all will understand, this is very much like Tessa and Hardin in the After series. He’s bad news, guuurl. I know you think you can fix him, but he’s just gonna end up writing a tell all book about your relationship to further his own career. Deal with it. Hot Take Temperature: Hardin Scott.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Arthur? Not the classic Arthur, we watched that a few months ago. We’re talking about the one who is allegedly a sexual predator. Let’s go!

Might as well get this out of the way: we chose this prior to the real deal accusations against Russell Brand. Also we set this up prior to it turning out that his alleged predation was specifically concerning his behavior on the set of this film. Amazing.

And a small note about the technological achievement that made this cycle possible. Yeah, I have 40GB of New York Times television listings on my computer. Yeah, I have spent over a year of my life algorithmically and carefully curating that data. It is my legacy. Someday when our AI overlords declare Life Credits for any human-verified Truth Data from their posts on the Elysium Space Station, I’ll be in like Flynn. Front of the gruel line. I’ll have so many Life Credits. Suck it.

Russell Brand somehow someway ends up being kind of … good (?!) in this film. He puts on an affectation that is very Original Arthur, and overall manages to be somewhat charming in a role that even at the time should have been anti-charm. Who would have thunk it.

I was shocked to see Greta Gerwig pop up, completely forgot she was in this. Pretty amusing. She is an okay actor, but apparently a much much better director. Who would have thunk it.

I don’t know why or how Helen Mirren is in this film … is it a weird Oscar play where she galaxy brained herself into thinking history was going to repeat itself with the Supporting Actor win … nah, they probably just paid her a boatload.

Garner is real weird in this film. I guess she manages to pull off being such a weirdo that despite being Jennifer Garner a person would find her utterly repulsive. Good on her.

As for our friend, Replicant (2001), the film is also quite strange. Very very reminiscent of The Watcher which came out only the year before. It feels like, perhaps, people lost their way in the wake of Seven whereby they thought that is what serial killer films now were. The Pledge and The Bone Collector both also come out in this era and both, in their own way, seem to buy into the grunginess instead of the fun of something like Silence of the Lambs in all its meticulous Hannibal Lecter glory. I don’t know. I just know that this one has JCVD mostly playing a mentally slow clone of himself, that clone falls in love with a prostitute in a wild scene, and Rooker yells at and physically abuses him all film like a lunatic. It is not a fun serial killer film, but it is a ridiculous JCVD film. So … your mileage may vary. For me it is a C+.

You know what, I’m going with a left field Product Placement (What?) for the classic Frog and Toad books, which is ridiculous. A classic Setting as a Character (Where?) for New York City. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate twist on a twist for now having him get the girl in the end (until later when he does get the girl). This movie is Bad.

Read about my sequel to the new Arthur in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Arthur (2011) Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I’m a billionaire with a bit of a drinking problem … fine a huge drinking problem, and my brain is mush. I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Arthur (2011)?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Arthur Arthur Arthur. What will we do with you! What car is he being driven in (and crashing) in the opening scene?

2) Well, that was fun. But there is a problem. Arthur needs to marry Jennifer Garner. Why does his mother insist on this and why does he agree to it?

3) Oh! But now he’s met Greta Gerwig. What is her “job” but what “job” does she actually want?

4) Where is their date?

5) In the end Arthur does not marry Garner, and Mirren dies. You would know these things if you watched the original. But they do twist up the ending. What is Arthur’s job at the end of the film after he gets his act together?

Bonus Question: Years later, Arthur is off the wagon … or is he? That’s the question. Is he?

Answers

Arthur (2011) Preview

September 1st, 1992

Jamie and Patrick are looking bodacious. Pants? Lycra. Shirt? Absent. Tips? Frosted. Their summer had been spent watching Tango & Cash on repeat as research for a ‘zine idea they had brewing. Rumor on the block was ‘zines were the next big thing. Their dad had one word of advice for them as they navigate this crazy thing we call life: “The rumor around my block is natuuuure.” With that he swept his arm in the general direction of a nearby mountain and called it ‘nature’s movie.’ Despite this being wrong (Nature’s movie is Ewoks: The Battle for Endor) they venture forth and soon find themselves scaling the rocky crags of Mt. Mountain. “Maybe our ‘zine can be about mountains… in movies. Movie Mountains? Is that something?” Jamie asks as he swings himself from one rocky outcrop to another. “But why would someone want to read what we say about Movie Mountains?” Patrick ponders. Just as he’s going to suggest Bad Movie Mountains, though, they are buzzed by a remote control airplane. They look far below them and see a bunch of middle schoolers laughing as they dive bomb them in increasingly dangerous fashion. “Sacre bleu!” Jamie says, using one of his more famous catchphrases. “We’re trapped,” Patrick says, gritting his teeth in rage, “Like Perret trapped Tango and Cash… a couple mice in a maze.” They look at each other in despair. They are far too young to have any patented Twin Memories to harken back to for a solution. This looks like a very early end for the Bad Movie Twins. Suddenly they hear a faint voice “the rumor around my block is natuuuure.” Patrick’s eyes widen. Jamie simply whispers “Coolz.” With that their eyes glaze over and they enter a patented Arthur Memory. That’s right! We are completing the Arthur circle by watching the 2011 remake of the comedy classic starring Russel Brand and Best Director nominee Greta Gerwig (but not for this… she didn’t direct 2011’s Arthur). Talk about two people whose careers are going in two different directions. We are pairing it with Replicant starring JCVD. This film will complete the second leg of the “JCVD plays dual roles” trilogy, leaving just Maximum Risk. Let’s go!

Arthur (2011) – BMeTric: 41.9; Notability: 52

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.4%; Notability: top 10.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 22.1%; Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, The Roommate, The Darkest Hour, Hellraiser: Revelations, Conan the Barbarian, Abduction, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Zookeeper, Apollo 18, I Don’t Know How She Does It, Twixt, The Dilemma, and 21 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Green Lantern, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Cars 2, New Year’s Eve, The Smurfs, Hop, Red Riding Hood, Your Highness, Jack and Jill, Battle Los Angeles, The Hangover Part II, Sucker Punch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, I Am Number Four, Larry Crowne, In Time, Johnny English Reborn, Season of the Witch, and 5 more; Lower RT: Hellraiser: Revelations, You May Not Kiss the Bride, Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Hick, Abduction, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, Trespass, Honey 2, Red Riding Hood, Season of the Witch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, The Darkest Hour, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, The Moth Diaries, and 33 more; Notes: Kind of amusing how few of those top BMeT films I’ve seen. We’ve seen 12 of the 20 listed there, which is pretty good, but only two in the top 5, so we are somehow leaving some heavy hitters. Although, 2011 is an incredible bad movie year I believe, one of the best, so perhaps it is impossible to watch enough bad movies to seem impressive.

RogerEbert.com – 3.0 stars – The thing about Moore, who people persisted in calling “Cuddly Dudley” although he hated it, is that he was just plain lovable. The thing about Russell Brand is that he isn’t, not much, and he should get credit here for at least being a good deal more likable than he usually chooses to seem. He plays the alcoholic zillionaire Arthur Bach as a man who wants to party with the world and pick up the check.

(Yes, this was my impression as well. The less the said about Russell Brand the better at the moment, but his high pitched affectation and general antics in this film do seem reasonably charming. Surprisingly so.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoJN7k1BMYg/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoJN7k1BMYg/

(Jesus the overused Rebel Rebel riff and then All Night Long and then Pressure!! The trailer almost comes across as a parody and just seems sad.)

Directors – Jason Winer – ( Known For: Ode to Joy; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Won an Emmy for Modern Family which is produced in addition to directing multiple episodes. HE is directing The Santa Clauses at the moment.)

Writers – Peter Baynham – ( Known For: Hotel Transylvania; Borat; Borat Subsequent Moviefilm; Brüno; Ron’s Gone Wrong; Alan Partridge; Arthur Christmas; Future BMT: The Brothers Grimsby; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Probably British considering he appears to work very closely with Sasha Baron Cohen and Steve Coogan on their projects. Nominated for 2 Oscars for the Borat films.)

Steve Gordon – ( Known For: Arthur; The One and Only; BMT: Arthur; Arthur 2: On the Rocks; Notes: Died in 1982, between the two Arthur films, he wrote the original Arthur for which he was nominated for an Oscar.)

Actors – Russell Brand – ( Known For: Death on the Nile; Forgetting Sarah Marshall; Trolls; Despicable Me; Minions: The Rise of Gru; Despicable Me 2; Rock of Ages; Get Him to the Greek; Penelope; St. Trinian’s; Catherine Called Birdy; Army of One; The Tempest; Four Kids and It; Paradise; The Fight; Future BMT: Bedtime Stories; Hop; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Yeah no, I ain’t falling for this trap. He is currently notably under investigation for sexual assault, some of the allegations coming from the set of this specific film.)

Helen Mirren – ( Known For: Barbie; Fast X; Golda; Shazam! Fury of the Gods; Caligula; F9: The Fast Saga; The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy; The Prince of Egypt; Excalibur; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; RED; State of Play; Age of Consent; The Fate of the Furious; Woman in Gold; The Pledge; Monsters University; The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover; Gosford Park; 2010: The Year We Make Contact; Future BMT: Anna; Winchester; Inkheart; National Treasure: Book of Secrets; The Nutcracker and the Four Realms; Collateral Beauty; Raising Helen; Teaching Mrs. Tingle; BMT: Arthur; Notes: Won and Oscar for The Queen and is in general a national British treasure. She was nominated for three other Oscars as well for The Madness of King George, Gosford Park, and The Last Station.)

Jennifer Garner – ( Known For: Catch Me If You Can; Juno; 13 Going on 30; The Adam Project; Dallas Buyers Club; Daredevil; Love, Simon; Draft Day; The Kingdom; The Invention of Lying; Miracles from Heaven; Yes Day; Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day; Deconstructing Harry; Butter; Danny Collins; Wakefield; The Tribes of Palos Verdes; A Happening of Monumental Proportions; Washington Square; Future BMT: Peppermint; Dude, Where’s My Car?; Men, Women & Children; The Odd Life of Timothy Green; Wonder Park; Catch and Release; Mr. Magoo; BMT: Pearl Harbor; Mother’s Day; Valentine’s Day; Ghosts of Girlfriends Past; Elektra; Arthur; Nine Lives; Notes: Nominated for four Emmy for Alias, but she never won. Was married to Ben Affleck for a time.)

Budget/Gross – $40,000,000 / Domestic: $33,035,397 (Worldwide: $48,147,945)

(That ain’t great. You want more than that. But I also can’t imagine why a remake of Arthur was going to make $100 million, so I don’t know what they were thinking.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 27% (52/195): An irritating, unnecessary remake that demonstrates the libertine charm Russell Brand exudes in supporting roles turn against him when he’s star of the show.

(Irritating is the name of the game. I really don’t know how you make an Arthur film without Dudley Moore and have Arthur come across as anything but supremely irritating. The reviewer below kind of gets it right too, this pretty much killed Brand as a leading man.)

Reviewer Highlight: Russell Brand gives a career-killing performance. – David Edelstein, New York Magazine/Vulture

Poster – 2011’s Arthur

(I don’t understand two things about this poster. Why is Arthur’s hat being held up like that? Does it mean something? Was that hat supposed to be a “thing”? Second, how is it that Greta Gerwig isn’t on this poster? Garner gets the spot playing the primary antagonist. Why? Anyway, I don’t love it. I don’t even like it, really. C-.)

Tagline(s) – Meet the world’s only loveable billionaire. (D+)

(I can’t really tell if this is really bad or just really not good. Like it’s a little long and not clever in the least. It appears to think him being “loveable” (to some people, I guess) is clever when put next to the word “billionaire.” I don’t understand why. I guess it does tell you a little of what to expect from the movie. So that’s nice.)

Keyword(s) – daddio

Future BMT: 79.0 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 58.9 Jury Duty (1995), 57.4 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 57.1 Ghost Dad (1990), 50.8 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.5 Sleepwalkers (1992), 49.3 My Girl 2 (1994), 46.4 Daddy Day Care (2003), 44.6 Man of the House (1995), 41.6 My Baby’s Daddy (2004), 41.6 Speed Zone (1989), 41.3 Club Paradise (1986), 38.9 Fled (1996), 38.3 My Father the Hero (1994), 38.0 Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), 37.0 Desperate Hours (1990), 35.9 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 35.8 I Got the Hook Up (1998), 34.3 Spring Break (1983), 34.1 Father Hood (1993)

BMT: Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Cool as Ice (1991), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), Poltergeist III (1988), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Fire Birds (1990), Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989), Virtuosity (1995), Double Impact (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Iron Eagle (1986), Rambo III (1988), High School High (1996), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Clifford (1994), Man Trouble (1992), Leviathan (1989), Universal Soldier (1992), Days of Thunder (1990), No Mercy (1986), The Postman (1997), Fools Rush In (1997), Eraser (1996), Hackers (1995), Rising Sun (1993), Magic in the Water (1995), Lock Up (1989), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)

(We had to finish up Arthur for the cycle, so here we are. Luckily I don’t think there were many others I was really clamoring for in its place.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 20) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jennifer Garner is No. 4 billed in Arthur and No. 2 billed in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, which also stars Matthew McConaughey (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wedding Planner (No. 2 billed) which also stars Jennifer Lopez (No. 1 billed) who is in Gigli (No. 2 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (4 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 20. If we were to watch Two for the Money we can get the HoE Number down to 15.

Notes – Arthur states his father died at the age of forty-four in an homage to Steve Gordon, who directed Arthur (1981), and also died at the age of forty-four.

While sulking in his Batmobile after Hobson (Dame Helen Mirren) gives him an aspirin and vitamin, Arthur (Russell Brand) scrolls through his phone to look for Naomi’s number and we briefly see Katy Perry, Brand’s then-wife, listed as a contact.

During the dinner scene at Grand Central Station, the background music that is playing is an instrumental version of the Christopher Cross song, “Arthur (1981)’s Theme (Best That You Can Do)”.

In the final scene, where there is a collection of movie cars, the car displayed on the far right is the Rolls-Royce from Arthur (1981).

In order to see the dedication in Naomi’s book, Arthur moves a pop-up moon over a Manhattan skyline scene. This is a tribute to the line “If you get caught between the moon and New York City”, in Christopher Cross’ “Arthur (1981)’s Theme” song.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Russell Brand)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel

Angels in the Outfield Recap

Jamie

Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character flapping his arms like a real bozo so dominated my childhood thoughts on this film that it could never possibly live up to my memory of it. I feel like for a solid decade I’d see the actor show up in something and subconsciously be like “yeah, but he flapped his arms real dumb that one time.” The movie appeared in my mind to just be 90 minutes of JGL flapping his arms and then everyone else agreeing that it was cool and flapping their arms too. What’s funny is we’ve seen over the years many teams capitalize on weird baseball mojo trends as they make their way to the coveted World Series win. Rally caps, Cowboy Up, and the Angel’s very own Rally Monkey. None of that changes the simple fact that if anyone anywhere tried to make flapping your arms around the rallying cry of their team it would flop. Rally Monkey it is not.

To recap, JGL is in foster care watching the California Angels stink while he waits for his dad to get his act together. With a washed up manager driving the team into the ground his dad makes an off-hand comment that he’ll come back for him when the Angels win the Pennant. Enter: God. JGL prays and his prayers are answered as a bunch of real angels come down and start helping the team win. When the coach catches wind that this kid appears to see angels helping the team he’s like “meh, we suck and I suck so why not have a fun good luck charm.” Soon JGL is attending most games and tipping the coach on moves to make that might lead to angelic intervention. Soon his life is changing and so are his players. A previously washed up pitcher gets his mojo back and they are on a big time winning streak. Ultimately it doesn’t matter, though, because JGL’s daddio is a deadbeat and gives him up to the state anyway. The owner of the team is also embarrassed when the press publishes details of the coach’s belief in angels. He demands his coach publicly deny believing in angels, which he refuses to do. In the Pennent, the angels reveal they can’t help (it’s too big a game), but the ragtag group is no longer ragtag and ultimately come up victorious on the back of the soon-to-be-dead formerly washed-up pitcher (I’ll talk about that later). After the game the coach reveals he’s adopting JGL and his friend… which is nice. THE END.

For about 70% of this movie we are treated to a straightforward, heart-warming sports story. Sure there is an odd religious bent to it, but why not? It’s about angels. I was sitting there jamming out, enjoying an oddly stacked cast of background characters and sports… then the last thirty minutes of the film happened. First the devious announcer (who is also a reporter?) publishes a story about the manager believing in angels using the anonymous sourcing of a 7-year-old child. It’s so crazy that you can’t believe they could top it. But then the owner is embarrassed by the story and does the press conference forcing the manager to denounce angels… it would be like if when the Rally Monkey was happening there was a story that was like “the manager actually believe the monkey is lucky” and the owner was like “ma gawd, say you don’t believe the monkey… NOW!” Ludicrous. Can’t be topped, right? Wrong. During the subsequent game, the washed up pitcher is pitching a 160 pitch complete game (wow). An angel then pops down, says he can’t help, and off hand mentions to the kid that the dude is dying of advanced cancer… boy. You know how some movies are ruined by a terrible ending. This was BMT saved by one of the most BMT endings of all time. A true miracle. As for Heaven Sent… lol, what? If I didn’t know better I would say this was a pilot for a show being shopped for syndication about the sidekick from UHF helping different people every week as an angel… but I know better and I just know this was a real weird nothing film that also needed to have a bizarro thriller plot thrown in at the end. I will forget this tomorrow.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I just… I really feel like there would be a bit more scrutiny of the coach’s efforts to adopt two children. It appears like this all happens in a matter of a couple weeks. The man is a major league manager and appears to be single. He’s on the road 40% of the year. Prior to the angels going on a winning streak the man was a complete asshole. Everyone hated him. What if they go on a losing streak next year? You can’t rely on the whims of the angels to determine how good a dad this guy is going to be. Feels a bit irresponsible of the state to at least be like “maybe think this over for a week… you know… considering for the last 50 years or so you’ve lived the life of a single, childless asshole.” Hot Take Temperature: Medicine Hat… as in Medicine Hat, Alberta where the coach will be coaching after he doesn’t have the angels to help him out.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Wait a second, are we talking about a Disney kids classic about how religion is good and it isn’t cheating if angels do it because you wished for a real fambly and this is the only way for the hard hearted coach of the Anaheim Angels to Grinch it and adopt two children? Let’s go!

So we need to approach this carefully, because otherwise you might think I think this film is genuinely good. So here’s my best shot.

The first hour of this film is fun and heartfelt and the kid actors are really good. If I was sitting next to a child watching this film I would be like “cool.” If I had to watch it multiple times I think the first hour would get tiresome but there is enough good heartfelt stuff in it that it wouldn’t feel like a total waste of time. You can see why JGL is a star, and also why this works much better than The Mighty Ducks (mainly because The Mighty Ducks is like if Danny Glover was the main character in Angels in the Outfield. Blessedly JGL is and that works better for the majority of the film).

Phew … BUT.

The last thirty minutes of this film goes off the rails.

First, Danny Glover and the radio announcer were former teammates / competitors and have a long running feud mostly concerning the other guy ending Glover’s career, but then Glover is a way better manager in the end. We open the third act with that guy overhearing a literal child go “Angels are real!” and he goes “Aha! I got him! Glover brings the kids to the games because he too thinks angels are real!” Then we have a real scene in a movie where ESPN has, for whatever reason, run with the “Coach Knox thinks angels are real!” story without checking the source (a literal child), and the Angels owner insists on Glover (who is on something absurd like a 30-2 hot streak) having a press conference before the last (and pennant clinching) game to deny the angel story because … maybe he hates God? Hard to tell. Anyways, you got all that?

/deep breath/

Second, the angels aren’t coming (oh no!) but Lloyd helpfully shows up to be like “Oh what? You were waiting on us? But everyone knows angels can’t help in a championship!” (ah I see, you are sportsmen about it). And right before he leaves he looks to Tony Danza (playing a 40 year old washed up pitcher who smokes too much) and he’s like “Oh him? He’s dead in six months, but don’t worry he’ll be an angel … welp, see yah kid!” Totally unnecessary. JGL doesn’t need that in his life during the big game!

/deep breath/

Third, that same 40-year-old who is going to be dead in six months from advanced lung cancer proceeds to pitch a complete game to win the pennant. With the final play involving him snagging a comeback line drive to the pitcher to end the game.

Phew. Those thirty minutes take it from good I’m-not-crying-your-crying territory, to unintentionally hilarious sports film, and back again. I still like it though.

I do someday want to collect all the ways different baseball films have ended though. Major League is on a suicide squeeze, and this is on a line drive at the pitcher. They really didn’t want to do the standard home run or strike out huh?

As for the friend, woooooooooooooooooof. We watched Heaven Sent which was bizarrely close to the same story (angel helping a kid, but during the final scene he says nope, you have to do that yourself). Weirdly good cast with Wilford Brimley in a small role. Otherwise this gets dangerously close to “I could film some of this” territory. Fortunately there are some good set pieces, decent acting from a few of the adults, and it looks quite good at times, so it pulls itself out on occasion. Zero out of five on the racism scale, but that is mainly because it is shot in Salt Lake City and there is nary a non-white person to be seen …oh wait strike that. It is one out of five, there was an Indian convenience store owner that was pretty racist. Dang. Almost there. Regardless this is a true blue F. There might be some heart there, but it isn’t even remotely entertaining and I would flat refuse to ever watch this again if asked.

A real deal sports Product Placement (What?) for the California Angels. And obviously Setting as a Character (Where?) for California. Great MacGuffin (Why?) for the wish to have a fambly, which he didn’t specify so the genie gave him Danny Glover instead of his dad. And finally that same thing is the Worst Twist (How?) for Danny Glover adopting two children despite being a Major League manager, having no girlfriend, and never having kids. This movie is also Good, so we’re on a streak.

Naturally, I need to make a sequel to this a la D2, check it out in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs