Tag: cycle: How Haven’t We Done That?!

House of the Dead Preview

Jamie sits nervously in Judge Stranger’s Chambers, Ms. LaRouche at his side. “Ahem, well, given the testimony we just heard in the courtroom, I urge the prosecution to drop the case,” the judge says bluntly and Jamie holds his breath. “We agree,” the prosecutor says with deep seriousness. Jamie and Ms. LaRouche jump to their feet and hug. A cheer can be heard from outside as the news is relayed to the growing crowd. “We agree,” the prosecutor continues, “because we are prepared to charge a different suspect.” Now Jamie is a bit confused. He looks to Ms. LaRouche to share in this confusion, but is even more confused when he finds that she seems decidedly not confused. Suddenly the prosecutor jumps forward and slaps handcuffs on Jamie’s wrists. “What thuuuuuu,” Jamie says dumbly. Suddenly it all becomes clear. The whole time Jamie thought he was cleverly building a case to find a poor young man innocent, when he was really building a case against himself. “Right down to the well toned parkour muscles,” he grumbles in wonder, giving said muscles a quick squeeze to see if they might pop the handcuffs clean off. Alas. The judge looks at a calendar and pauses thoughtfully. “I think we shall set the trial start date for October 31st.” Jamie is startled. “But that’s three months away,” he sputters. “Yes, not nearly enough time for the prosecution to prepare,” the prosecutor says even more seriously than before, “I’d prefer the fourth Thursday of the following month, if possible.” The judge ponders this and gives a quick nod and waves them out of his chambers. As two police officers grab Jamie by the arms, he asks where they’re taking him. They chuckle and reply, “We call it… the House of the Dead.” That’s right! We are starting off the ‘Why are we watching this?’ cycle with the Uwe Boll film House of the Dead. This cycle will be top to bottom trash that we don’t want to watch. Uwe Boll fits the bill. Yay? Let’s go!

House of the Dead (2003) – BMeTric: 90.1; Notability: 29

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 0.8%; Notability: top 26.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 1.7%; Higher BMeT: The Room, Gigli; Higher Notability: Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, Gods and Generals, Bad Boys II, The Matrix Revolutions, Hollywood Homicide, Scary Movie 3, Brother Bear, Cheaper by the Dozen, Duplex, Timeline, Agent Cody Banks, View from the Top, Marci X, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde, National Security, Cradle 2 the Grave, Head of State, Malibu’s Most Wanted, Mona Lisa Smile, Daddy Day Care, and 47 more; Lower RT: Dorm Daze, The Foreigner, Hangman’s Curse, Gold Diggers; Notes: I did confirm, Uwe Boll never played on television in the 90s, which makes sense, all of his major films came in the 00s basically. Seen both the higher BMeTs, but I haven’t seen any of the lover RTs which is crazy. Well … not that crazy, I don’t think any of those four were released widely, so they’d have to be Friends.

Leonard Maltin – BOMB – Low-grade horror movie, based on the video-game series, which charts the all-to-predictable fates of some addle-brained young people drawn to an island inhabited by zombies. Sloppily made and mind-numbingly inept. Prochnow’s character is named Captain Kirk. How clever! Followed by a TV movie, House of the Dead 2.

(Slammed. I had to snag the maltin review for this one since I knew it would be a BOMB. They’ve been so rare over time I feel like.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htx3igt0ksk/

(Brought to you by SEGA lol. “Awful zombies”. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. “They are everywhere” lol. This trailer is hilarious.)

Directors – Uwe Boll – ( Known For: Postal; Assault on Wall Street; Rampage; Far Cry; Seed; Rampage: Capital Punishment; In the Name of the King: Two Worlds; 1968 Tunnel Rats; Rampage: President Down; Stoic; Blubberella; Attack on Darfur; Heart of America; In the Name of the King: The Last Mission; Blackwoods; The Final Storm; First Shift; Auschwitz; Sanctimony; Amoklauf; Future BMT: BloodRayne; BMT: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Alone in the Dark; House of the Dead; Notes: My understanding is his big budget career ended the instant they closed a German loophole for film financing. My vague understanding of how it would work: A person makes, say $200 million and owes $100 million in taxes. Instead though they “invest” $100 million in a Uwe Boll production which in turn is paid back to the production studio in various ways. The movie makes no money and The entire $100 million is a tax write off, but you make money from the back end and also in various payments during production as well for catering and stuff. Am I right? No idea, but it makes some sense. But alas, no longer possible either way. Only one more to go, phew.)

Writers – Mark A. Altman – ( Known For: Room 6; Free Enterprise; All Souls Day: Dia de los Muertos; The Thirst; BMT: House of the Dead; Notes: Wrote for Dead or Alive 3, the video game, which is maybe how he ended up writing the screenplay for this.)

Dan Bates – (Notes: Apparently worked in the music industry prior to becoming a producer. This was the last film he produced.)

Dave Parker – ( Known For: Tales of Halloween; BMT: House of the Dead; Notes: Mostly an editor, and almost exclusively for horror films.)

Actors – Jonathan Cherry – ( Known For: Final Destination 2; Goon; What If; Goon: Last of the Enforcers; Wolfcop; The Novice; Die Alone; Another WolfCop; Love on the Side; Dark Match; SuperGrid; Future BMT: Kin; They; BMT: House of the Dead; Notes: Still acts in stuff, although I don’t specifically recognize anything. Love for Starters looks fun/dumb: “To save her father’s lake-front restaurant, a talented interior designer must partner with the celebrity chef her father hired without her knowledge to revamp the place before time runs out.” He’s the chef.)

Tyron Leitso – ( Known For: Assault on Wall Street; Far Cry; Seed; BMT: House of the Dead; Notes: Was one of the main characters in Wonderfalls, a show that looked so interesting and good back in the day, then no one watched it and it got cancelled.)

Clint Howard – ( Known For: Solo: A Star Wars Story; Apollo 13; How the Grinch Stole Christmas; Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery; Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me; Austin Powers in Goldmember; Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian; The Jungle Book; Cinderella Man; Frost/Nixon; Backdraft; Splash; That Thing You Do!; Cocoon; Far and Away; The Rocketeer; Parenthood; Terrifier 3; Edtv; The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh; Future BMT: The Waterboy; Fun with Dick and Jane; Gung Ho; BMT: Halloween; Tango & Cash; Little Nicky; The Cat in the Hat; The Dilemma; House of the Dead; Barb Wire; Notes: He has the best career. Just does random stuff and looks weird doing it half the time. He was in Seinfeld, when the go to L.A., in in Star Trek, in Terrifier 3. Just great stuff.)

Budget/Gross – $12,000,000 / Domestic: $10,249,719 (Worldwide: $13,818,181)

(Hmmmm, yeah that sounds right I guess. Doesn’t really jive with what I said, but possibly the idea is the Budget is $12 million, but the investment is larger or something? I don’t really get how you avoid taxes when you don’t lose that much money, but maybe it is to avoid like … $1 million in taxes?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 3% (2/59): A grungy, disjointed, mostly brainless mess of a film, House of the Dead is nonetheless loaded with unintentional laughs.

(I mean, I don’t really agree, in that I find Uwe Boll films to be surprisingly humorless, intentional or not. It just makes you sad to realize there was this machine consuming IP and spitting out garbage intentionally.)

Reviewer Highlight: To properly convey the jaw-dropping shoddiness of this videogame-based ‘horror’ ‘movie,’ one must approach what scientists call Absolute Stupid. – Scott Brown, Entertainment Weekly

Poster – House of the Judge Dredd

(It’s funny this came out in 2003 because I remember being kind of creeped out by the DVD box in the local video store. Tells you how far I’ve come with horror as a genre. Anyway, I actually like the red tone and the font. Doesn’t give a whole lot, but it’s still perfectly fine. B.)

Tagline(s) – You won’t last the night (C-)

(Given what I now know about this film, the tagline and the poster are very strange. Definitely seems like they made everything based on the video game and then Uwe Boll just… did what he wanted. That’s fine, probably, as reading about the plot of the video game makes me think they might have been sued by the makers of Resident Evil if they hewed too closely. Oh and the tagline is meh.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

Top 10: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Snow White (2025), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Green Lantern (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Ghost Rider (2007), The Happening (2008), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)

Future BMT: 99.4 Snow White (2025), 96.4 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.1 BloodRayne (2005), 88.1 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.5 You Got Served (2004), 80.1 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.6 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.8 Shark Night (2011), 78.2 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 78.2 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 78.2 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), House of the Dead (2003), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Crossroads (2002), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), … 

Best Options (Uwe Boll): 90.2 House of the Dead (2003), 89.1 BloodRayne (2005)

(Yup, now we only have one more to go (and then however many of his other films we’d consider doing as Friends, which is maybe only one or two I think, although there are quite a few direct-to-video sequels which we’d have to think about).)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 22) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jürgen Prochnow is No. 9 billed in House of the Dead and No. 4 billed in Primeval, which also stars Orlando Jones (No. 3 billed) who is in Say It Isn’t So (No. 3 billed) which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (9 + 4) + (3 + 3) + (1 + 2) = 22. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 20.

Notes – Reviews were so bad that Danish cinemas refused to show it.

This is the last film to use the turn-table technique for 360° shots. The risk of actors being hurt or killed by the fast-moving camera was too high.

Jonathan Cherry burned 30% of his hand on the second day of shooting. The scene on the bridge, where he hurts his hand, was shot later, to explain the bandage he had to wear.

Thirty-two video clips from the original game appear in several parts of the movie. Twenty-six appear during the 10-minute battle in front of the house. The remaining 6 are used as transitions prior to the battle.

When asked how she felt about getting naked for the first time onscreen in her swimming scene, Erica Durance said, “I was working on a show once where I had to play a character who was needy and whimsical, which was very different from my personality. That was more embarrassing because you really have to be vulnerable with your inner thoughts, whereas nudity is just about your body. It’s easier to shut yourself off outside than to really reveal your inner thoughts.”

Saw IV Recap

Jamie

Franchise Man will live foreeevvvveeerrrrrr! You can’t kill him because all you little piggies can’t get enough of your precious franchises. Oink oink oink. Eat up your Saw IV slop. I’ll gladly partake for I am lore incarnate! Saw is my bible of lore. No one has done it better than Jigsaw and his wacky traps. With that out of the way, I do have to acknowledge that we live in a wondrous time. We are years from entry after entry of dumb-as-rocks entries in franchises like Final Destination (fun) and Saw (less fun) that just fed its sequels into the BMT machine. Because who gives a shit, right? It’s just a bunch of rube goldberg death traps (in both cases). Just kill some people in fun and/or unpleasant ways and yada yada yada profit. And somehow we are now getting good entries in the series. Isn’t that cool?… and yet, is it also not part of a BMT disease. Did I say Franchise Man will live forever? Maybe not if every dumb movie is now good. Then he will die.

To recap, you must bear with me. It appears that this film was designed as some kind of nefarious trap for Franchise Man. I fear I might die in an attempt at an accurate recap. So really the film starts with Detective Rigg, a hot head devastated by the death of his partner at the hands of Jigsaw, getting kidnapped. It’s implied that there is another apprentice to Jigsaw that is the key to everything we’re seeing (since at the end of Saw III we saw Amanda get killed). Rigg is warned that he better listen and not be a hothead detective or else things will end badly. He proceeds to be a big ol’ hothead and things continually end badly for him. Meanwhile we see Detective Hoffman (someone who has warned Riggs about the aforementioned hotheadedness) and Detective Donnie Wahlberg (of Wahlburgers fame) kidnapped and set up to be electrocuted or crushed or some shit. Meanwhile to this meanwhile, the FBI are tracking stuff down and we get a bunch of backstory about Jigsaw and how he was a loving husband turned crazy by not only his cancer but the miscarriage of his child. Through this backstory they are able to slowly track Rigg through his trial and it’s implied that by doing this they will ultimately kill an innocent man. Rigg gets to the location where Wahlberg and Hoffman are being held and despite being told to not be a hothead he hotheadingly barges into the room, resulting in Wahlberg getting his head smashed by giant blocks of ice (Cooool! Rad!). Hoffman rises up and reveals that he is in fact the apprentice (what a twist!). Meanwhile, the FBI gets lost like a bunch of dumbos and kills Jeff (a character from Saw III) thus revealing that all this happened simultaneously to Saw III and it’s really cool and we love it. THE END (or is it? (Come on))

Saw IV. Come on. How is it that a franchise that should be built on the premise of “none of this matters” somehow makes everything matter in the most insane(ly dumb) way possible. I have to admit, there is a certain beautiful satisfaction in watching the movie spin itself into a knot around a Lost-esque flashsideways. But when everyone is so very dumb and everything is so very cheap and the traps just don’t even try to make sense then I have to say it: fundamentals. Focus on the fundamentals Saw IV. Either that or just keep getting dumber. I want rocks to look like geniuses next to these movies. Do it Saw. In actuality, the fact that Saw X got good reviews should be devastating. Just when you make me want it to be dumber, you make it less dumb? No fair. As for Vibrations. Uh, cha. This is what we call a Friend. It’s a wild time on VHS. Just to highlight one moment in a consistently insane film, at one point a friend of the main character (who helped him with his robot hand situation) lets him use his special speaker that is so powerful that he implies it could kill people or something. And me and Patrick looked at each other and were like “wouldn’t it be so funny if in the end he sets up the people who took his hands so they get killed by the speaker?” and then that more or less played out exactly like that. And yes… it was so funny.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Jigsaw: not a good person, husband, or potential father. I really don’t think enough time is spent making sure the audience understands that Jigsaw, despite the backstory we are being treated (and I mean, treated) to, does not in fact have justification for killing all those people. In fact almost no time has been spent making sure that is clear and all the time has been spent trying to convince us that he was just a broken man driven to desperate measures to make sure people appreciate life. And I say ‘No!’ This hot take has been paid for by the Committee to Make Sure People Understand Jigsaw is Not Good. Hot Take Temperature: Burning coals in your eyes unless you let mice eat your ears off in the next fifteen seconds. 

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *Gif of me screaming as my fingers are torn off or whatever AAARGH AAAAAAH ARRRRRRRGH* Let’s go!

The Good? The further you get into Saw the more ridiculous it gets and, somehow, the less revolting it ends up being. The tricks are so obviously stupid and semi-unwinnable you just sit there waiting for whatever like … pig bile to melt someone’s face off or something. All in the service of a dumb twist where it turns out Mr. Saw’s childhood friend is actually a copycat Saw killer or something. Then we all clap and go home.

The Bad? These movies are garbage. I kind of mean that in the best possible way (I guess…). They have such flimsy premises and they are specifically so obviously constructed to service a single goal (seeing dem torture devices babyyyyy), that that is part of the charm. But as actual movies? Trash. Even as horror films? Double trash. Because they aren’t scary, and even compared to other torture porn films they are quite tame. I didn’t feel sick to my stomach once while watching this film! What are we even doing here? If I can eat a sandwich while watching your film then you didn’t do it right. Fact. The acting is terrible, the premise is terrible, the film is terrible. Slammed.

The BMT? I don’t think so. I think there is going to be one Saw film which is well and truly BMT. This is dumb, but it hinges too much on prior films to be a film you’d ever revisit and revel in. That’s just a fact, Jack.

I’ve decided to, for now, revisit the idea of sifting through letterboxd reviews for something interesting. I tried initially to have it find the “weirdest” review, but it just returned aggressively unfunny reviews. So I call this “Hey Letterboxd, convince me this film isn’t garbage.” Here is the example of a good review for this film:

This is it right here. This ties up the loose ends of the previous three films and feels like a fresh start for the franchise, complete with more melodrama, Hoffman, and more frenzied intricacies within the storytelling that is clearly being written with future films mapped out—this is where the Saw lore becomes the Charlie Kelly Pepe Silva meme. I liked the peppering in of Kramer’s backstory and the quick pacing and editing are standouts, hiding what needs to be hidden…

There we go. The Pepe Silva thing … sounds bad, but I guess it is like the lore becomes such a thick fog and I can eat it up with a spoon and I unironically love how insane it gets. You know, the scene transitions and editing are a big thing among the good-ish reviews somehow. Honestly, can’t say I noticed.

I think in the end the only thing we can give this film is the Saw staple Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that the film takes place at the same time as the third film (I think) and that the main guy is the partner to Wahlberg. What a twist. It like … almost doesn’t make sense it is such a good twist. This film is Bad as I explained above.

As for our Friend this week Vibrations: uh yes please, may I have another serving of someone getting their hands chopped off in a ridiculous way and then getting robot hands and becoming an electronic music legend? This movie is actually somewhat famous on the internets for its crazy concept and oddly famous cast (well … it has Christina Applegate and one of the guys from Twin Peaks, those are famous people right?). And coincidentally this film also marks the first time a VHS popped up on RedLetterMedia’s Best of the Worst series where I was like “I own that VHS!” The film is surprisingly heartfelt and non-ridiculous for most of the first half which is amusing in its own way, but once he basically becomes a robot the film gets shockingly entertaining all the way up to the Chekov’s killer speakers in the end. Spoiler: he doesn’t kill them, he just blasts their ears a bunch and then gets them arrested. So that is good I guess. B, I would watch it again, but it is a little slow because the film is actually only notable for the robot hands which don’t come into play until the back half of the film.

Read all about … torture chambers maybe? In the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Saw IV Quiz

Arrrrghhhhhhhh! ARGGHHHHH! My hands!!!! Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) At the beginning of the film, information is revealed to a detective using a Microcassette, a technology invented by the company Olympus in 1969. That company got caught up in a Tobashi scheme in 2011 after firing their CEO abruptly. What is a Tobashi scheme?

2) Donnie Wahlberg’s character is named Eric Matthews. That is the same name as the older brother character in Boy Meets World. As Wikipedia points out, the character started as merely a suave older brother, but then in the fourth season transitions fully into a “crazy moron”. Named after a character in an animated sitcom, what is this process typically called when a character becomes more and more defined by a single trait over the course of a television program?

3) What about a question about another 4th installment: Lethal Weapon 4. In that film Murtaugh has to come to terms with Detective Lee Butters becoming his son-in-law. What famous comedian played Butters?

4) One of the surprising bits of Saw lore is that Shawnee Smith’s Amanda character isn’t in very many of the films (only five of the ten films). Another film she was in was what Kurt Vonnegut adaptation starring Bruce Willis (a BMT qualifier surprisingly)?

5) This movie is technically a side-quel, in that it takes place during the events of the fourth film. Another famous sidequel is a point-and-click adventure game called [Blank]: Escape from DeVil Manor. What fills in the blank?

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: We talking about Phase IV? No, well that played at 6:35PM on Cinemax on January 17, 1995. Later that night this played:

What is this film?

Answers

Saw IV Preview

Back in the jury room, Wrestlemania is steamed. Beet red, a vein pulsating on his forehead, he lunges at Jamie accusing him of sabotaging his attempts to attend Wrestlemania. The rest of the jury hold him back. He’s still the last hold out and Jamie has one more trick up his sleeve, but he’s afraid it might break Wrestlemania’s sanity. “This has nothing to do with Wrestlemania, this is about a man’s life,” he states solemnly. Suddenly the gravity of the situation dawns on Wrestlemania’s face and his shoulders sag. “But… but he’s guilty,” he rasps weakly, his eyes pleading with Jamie to not make him change his vote. Jamie sighs. Time for the grand finale. They return to the courtroom and Jamie walks to the front of the room. “Ladies and gentlemen. We are asked to believe that this man… this boy… escaped the crime scene via elite parkour skillz.” Everyone nods. There was no doubt about that. “But look at the arms and legs of the accused. Do they look like they are capable of elite parkour moves?” A murmur arises from the crowd. Now that they look closely, the boy does seem rather weak. “Look at my arms and legs,” Jamie says, snapping off his snap-off track suit. The murmur grows louder and reaches ear-splitting proportions as he demonstrates some of the necessary parkour moves by scrambling around on the walls and ceiling of the courtroom. Wrestlemania stands, wild eyed and foaming at the mouth. “I didn’t want to have to do this! This could have been easy!” Jamie lands in front of him, “You saw them, didn’t you? You saw both the accused and murderer on that day. Who are you protecting?!” Jamie bellows. “I didn’t see two people,” Wrestlemania insists, “I saw four.” That’s right! We’re also going to see four when we watch Saw IV. The Saw franchise may as well have been created by Franchise Man. What wasn’t created by Franchise Man? Another film where someone gets their hands chopped off: Vibrations. It’s a classic… in that it’s about a musician who gets his hands chopped off and then builds robot hands to become an electronic music wizard. As I said… classic. Let’s go!

Saw IV (2007) – BMeTric: 37.4; Notability: 44

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.4%; Notability: top 8.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 17.0%; Higher BMeT: Epic Movie, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Norbit, I Know Who Killed Me, Bratz, Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem, Daddy Day Camp, Who’s Your Caddy?, Are We Done Yet?, Postal, Delta Farce, Captivity, The Comebacks, Underdog, The Hills Have Eyes 2, Code Name: The Cleaner, The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising, Ghost Rider, Primeval, The Ten, and 21 more; Higher Notability: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Evan Almighty, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Fred Claus, Rush Hour 3, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, Epic Movie, The Invasion, The Comebacks, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Lions for Lambs, Underdog, August Rush, Wild Hogs, The Reaping, Goal II: Living the Dream, Halloween, Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, Next, The Game Plan; Lower RT: Daddy Day Camp, Epic Movie, Because I Said So, Code Name: The Cleaner, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Delta Farce, 88 Minutes, Good Luck Chuck, Who’s Your Caddy?, Are We Done Yet?, The Reaping, Silk, License to Wed, The Number 23, Premonition, Pathfinder, Postal, Norbit, I Know Who Killed Me, Perfect Stranger, and 22 more; Notes:

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars – Jigsaw is dead, but his ingenious torture devices mysteriously continue with law enforcement agents Mandylor and Patterson on the trail. We also learn how and why a successful architectural engineer morphed into this Satan. Decent rebound from its lackluster predecessor, this entry is less claustrophobic than usual, though many performances are typically subpar – which is almost part of the perverse appeal.

(I’m actually a bit shocked he would give it such a good review. My impression was always that he didn’t like horror films and he especially didn’t like the ones which bordered on the torture genre. The beginning of the review sounded like he was reading ad copy for the film though, so maybe he didn’t write it …)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxwdZMMymqY/

(Mother flipping twisted! More like a teaser trailer, and doesn’t really get into the absurdity of this movie. In a way Saw IV is either the final film in a truly absurd four film arc. Or, it is the beginning of the late-stage Saw franchise after an initial self-contained trilogy. Either way, it is weird and wild stuff.)

Actors – Tobin Bell – ( Known For: Goodfellas; Saw; The Firm; Manhattan; Mississippi Burning; Tootsie; In the Line of Fire; The Road to El Dorado; The Quick and the Dead; Saw X; Sophie’s Choice; The Verdict; Malice; 12 Feet Deep; Boogeyman 2; An Innocent Man; The 4th Floor; Boogeyman 3; The Call; Belzebuth; Future BMT: Saw V; Saw 3D; Jigsaw; Boiling Point; Loose Cannons; BMT: Saw II; Saw III; Saw IV; Notes: He does have an interesting career, but I went through that for the last Saw films. Long story short: he didn’t really break out as an actor at all until he was quite old, and was never famous until Saw when he was in his 60s.)

Scott Patterson – ( Known For: Batman: Gotham by Gaslight; Her Best Move; Con Man; A Boy Called Hate; A Beer Tale; Future BMT: Saw V; Saw VI; Little Big League; Three Wishes; BMT: Saw IV; Notes: Was in 153 episodes of Gilmore Girls. He was also in the fifth and uncredited in the sixth.)

Louis Ferreira – ( Known For: Shooter; Dawn of the Dead; Naked Lunch; Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II; Life on the Line; The Marsh; Scenes of the Crime; Chestnut: Hero of Central Park; Blood & Donuts; Savage Messiah; The Lazarus Child; The Big Slice; Fallen Arches; Future BMT: Stella; BMT: Saw IV; Cocktail; Notes: Has been in a ton of television shows. Including one, improbably, called 1-800-Missing. This is a little like how once, in college, I was up until 3AM doing some homework, and suddenly a very random TV show came on. It looked a little like Criminal Minds, but it was the worst acting I’d ever seen … I never figured out what it was. Could have been 1-800-Missing.)

Budget/Gross – $10 million / Domestic: $63,300,095 (Worldwide: $139,352,633)

(My god. And that is why they’ve made a good ten films of this mega franchise. It just converts $10 million dollar bills into $100 million dollar bills.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 18% (15/83): Saw IV is more disturbing than compelling, with material already seen in the prior installments.

(… Like literally? Literally there is material from prior installments in it. But also yes, the film is ludicrous and doesn’t really tread too much new ground. But how can you when the entire point of your franchise is to be as gross as possible?)

Reviewer Highlight: The reports of torture porn’s demise may have been greatly exaggerated, but this fourth entry in the mutilate-yourself-or-die series joins what may be the worst genre of the decade: the lamely ”sympathetic” serial-killer backstory. – Owen Gleiberman, EW

Poster – Saw IV: The Final Chapter

(I don’t really believe this is the official poster, but we err on the side of IMDb. Is this supposed to somehow be sexy? Like why is this pig masked person wearing those boots? This whole thing makes me uncomfortable. NC-17.)

Tagline(s) – It’s a Trap (F)

(Oh, come on.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

Top 10: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Green Lantern (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Ghost Rider (2007), The Happening (2008), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), The Mummy (2017)

Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 87.9 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.5 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 80.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 78.2 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 78.1 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …

Best Options (imdb-keyword-severed-hand): 74.2 The Spirit (2008), 71.1 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 59.3 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.0 Legion (2010), 57.2 Robin Hood (2018), 50.8 Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016)

(Wait … that many bad films have severed hands in it. Fun fact: Saw IV doesn’t really have a severed hand. It is like … a whole person is torn apart, which I guess technically means his hand was severed, but it isn’t really that. But Vibrations DEFINITELY has exactly two severed hands.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Tobin Bell is No. 1 billed in Saw IV and No. 1 billed in Saw II, which also stars Donnie Wahlberg (No. 2 billed) who is in Righteous Kill (No. 6 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 6) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch Mobsters we can get the HoE Number down to 17.

Notes – The seamless transitions between separate scenes in the film were not created using digital effects, but were done practically. For these transitions, the sets were built in such a way that two separate scenes could be filmed in one shot without interruption.

A coroner was on set at all times for the autopsy scene.

The autopsy scene was passed completely uncut by the MPAA.

In the making of the “Mausoleum Trap”, prosthetic thread was used on both actors. Louis Ferreira really couldn’t speak during filming; however, Kevin Rushton could actually see.

The Tobin Bell body cast used in the autopsy scene took two weeks to be constructed.

D3: The Mighty Ducks Recap

Jamie

We talking D3? I remember this film being both a massive disappointment and also specifically having some of the best stuff in the entire series. All dem pranks? That’s my jam. This should have been 80% pranks and fooling around on the ice. Even before the rewatch, if you had asked me what I remembered from this film it would have been the shift from it being the Bombay show (kind of embarrassingly so in the second one) to it being entirely about the kids. Which is… you know… kinda how a Mighty Ducks film should be. Isn’t it weird how pretty much every underdog kids sports film is mostly about the coach and how much he learns about some personal demon of his. Why are The Goonies and The Sandlot and Stand By Me so iconic? Just look at who those stories are about. Mighty Ducks just got there one film too late.

To recap, the Quack Attack is back, Jack! This time they are heading to high school. In what appears to be an elaborate publicity stunt, the prestigious Eden Hall Academy gives full scholarships to the whole team to be their JV team. This is at the expense of any and all other players who might have wanted to play JV (lol, what?). The Ducks are ready to quack their way through another fun year, but are sorely disappointed to find that Gordon Bombay isn’t their coach! Instead it’s some nerd named Ted Orion. Sounds like a guy who couldn’t hack it in the NHL. Between beefing in a prank war with the Varsity team and beefing with their coach who doesn’t want to give Charlie the captainship, the Ducks are having it rough. Doesn’t help that Banks is recruited straight to Varsity. After a game one rout turns itself into an embarrassing tie, the Varsity challenges the Ducks to a scrimmage. This is a total debacle, which results in Orion declaring the Ducks dead. Charlie and Fulton quit in protest. When Hans suddenly dies, Charlie and the team attend his funeral and Bombay confronts him about his choice. He reveals that Orion wasn’t a big ol’ quitter, but rather quit hockey to care for his ailing daughter. Charlie decides to play hockey right and Orion welcomes him back. The school tries to take away their scholarships, but Bombay acts as their lawyer and keeps them in school. When the big JV-Varsity game comes up it’s a hard fought battle. With the game 0-0 Charlie gets a chance to score it, but using what he’s learned from Orion, he passes to Goldberg (now a defenseman) who scores a wide open goal to win. THE END.

Franchise Man here and hold onto your hats… this is the best film in the series. Let me be very clear, I mean that this is the best of the Mighty Ducks films to actually follow the framework of a typical film. The first is all weird with its focus on Bombay. The second throws all rules and regulations out the window. The third… it’s dealing with the idea of these kids from the wrong side of the tracks getting an opportunity at an education. They are being asked to play two way hockey and deal with being JV when they are kind of famous. The movie is pretty shitty, other than the prank scenes, but it’s more like an actual script than the second one. Interestingly, still about branding. It’s a little unclear, but it seems like the board approved bringing in the Ducks because they were famous. If anything I would have liked them to lean into that more. Instead of Bombay coming in for some bullshit lawyer scene I would have liked him to come in and be like “we know you brought them in for publicity… well it’s not going to look great when we take how you treated them to the media.” They also simply needed bigger stakes. How can you go from the Jr. Goodwill Games to a Varsity-JV scrimmage? Come on. Overall, F for nostalgia. A positive shrug for actual quality.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I don’t think Charlie and… uh… that girl he likes are going to make it. First of all, I don’t remember her name. Second of all, she’s like a total nerd who is into education and taking down Eden Hall’s outdated mascot: The Warriors, while Charlie is delusional enough to think he could go from Spazway all the way to the NHL when he can’t even make Varsity over Banks. I don’t think she’s going to take kindly to the hundredth time he tells her he doesn’t need school because of his future in the NHL. He needs to get his priorities straight, refocus on crew, get into Yale and then join some bone-related secret society (What could go wrong!). Finally, they are in high school (freshmen at that) and that’s… that’s just not realistic, now is it? Hot Take Temperature: The Flying V.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *Gif of me being a total douche to my coach for no reason. You don’t know me old man! Quack! Quack! Qua … no one else? Not even you Goldberg?* Let’s go!

The Good? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm … This is tough because there might honestly be nothing. The film is kind of a perfect storm of very concerning decisions which (very naturally) completely killed the franchise for like 20 years. Maybe the low-stakes-ness of it all makes more sense than D2 and there is at least some admission that the only players who might actually “make it” to any degree is Banks (since he’s the most skilled) and Charlie (by sheer willpower). That makes a lot of sense to me. Oh, and Goldberg is finally benched and eventually moved to defense. FINALLY!

The Bad? Again, let’s go through the odd decisions. Bombay bounces and basically isn’t in much of the film (or so it seems, see later analysis). The school completely bails on the Ducks after like two losses (ridiculous). Killing off Hans is fine but like where is Jan?! Changing the setting from high-stakes Los Angeles back to the lowest of low stakes of JV hockey at a private school in Minneapolis is truly nuts. No new characters is also a mistake. Now that I’ve spelled it all out if you can get through those few issues there actually isn’t as much bad stuff as I remember. There is just no good stuff.

The BMT? I think this is Bad. The fun part is that this means the trilogy is a perfect BMT trilogy. The first one is Good. The second is BMT. And the third is Bad (and kills the franchise). It is actually precisely what I think trilogies should strive for.

Oooooo I actually did this AI analysis a very long time ago. So how Google Gemini (at least used to) work was if you sent in a video it would split it into single frames at one second intervals. I found this amusing since that is what I did anyways to analyze this movie. Specifically, I wanted to know: hey, Emilio Estevez is the top billed person in D3 … but how much of the movie is he actually in? The answer: well, probably somewhere between 5-10%. Given I deleted the burned DVD long ago I can’t confirm things, but I do know an inordinate number of positive identification of Emilio were false positives because the AI system seemingly can’t tell the difference between Emilio Estevez and Jeffery Nordling aka Coach Orion. Dumb AI. Anyways, “Emilio” appears specifically in around 500 frames of the film. I think you can say the false positive rate could be as much as 50% given what I recall, and the frames versus “existing in the scene” you could maybe increase things by 50% as well, so the safest rough analysis I can give you months later is: Emilio Estevez is top billed in D3 despite only appearing in 5-10% of the film. Anthony Hopkins appeared in about 13% of Silence of the Lambs (and famously won the Best Actor Oscar for it). This felt similar, and indeed, I think the numbers are probably pretty close in the end.

Might as well complete the trilogy with Planchet (Who?) for Goldberg who again just gets continually dunked on. A Setting as a Character (Where?) for some prestigious prep school in Minneapolis. I’m going to throw a Chekov’s Scholarship (Why?) in there for the scholarships they give all the Ducks which certainly won’t come to bite the school in the ass once ultra-lawyer Bombay shows up. And I kind of love the Worst Twist (How?) whereby for whatever reason Portman isn’t in the vast vast majority of the film riiiiiiight up until the end when he shows up and walks onto the JV team.

Read all about … Minnesota High School Hockey maybe? In the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

D2: The Mighty Ducks Recap

Jamie

I have no trouble remembering the entry of D2: The Mighty Ducks into my life. At that point we were old enough to have probably seen it in theaters. Wheelhouse territory. Amazing that Kenan hadn’t quite yet popped on All That, but my memory has him in “elite” level pretty much from right here onwards. I was not going to be missing a Kenan (or even Kel) jam. No way. No how. Playing hockey, you couldn’t swing a stick without someone trying a knuckle puck, attempting a flying V in practice, or triple deking to our heart’s desire. And yes, we already knew as 8-year-olds that Iceland being the big bad was a joke. Years later, I can only assume the people making it also knew it was a joke… that was part of the joke. At the time, though, it felt good to be like “ha, what idiots.” Life was grand. We were the champions, no doubt.

To recap, the Quack Attack is back, Jack! After the team’s most important player (Gordon Bombay, of course) is injured in the minor leagues, just before getting his shot in the NHL (as some sort of Marchand/St. Louis type), he is recruited by Hendrix Hockey to coach Team USA at the Goodwill Games. Best of all he can bring all the Ducks (minus the less interesting kids). Off they go to LA where they meet new teammates (Whaa?). Don’t worry, they are pranking each other and best bash brother friends in no time (Phew). While the Ducks handily dispatch vaunted opponents, Italy and Trinidad & Tobago, Bombay is enthralled by the celebrity of LA and the cute Icelandic trainer unfortunately associated with the eeeeevil Team Iceland and their eeeevil coach, Wolf Stansson (good name). When the Ducks finally meet up with their eeevil rivals, it’s a bloodbath. Bombay needs the sweet green that celebrity promises! He begins to drive the team like some eeevil Coach Stansson type. Where is his love of the game? The team’s tutor demands he give the kids a break. This leaves them time to play street hockey and recruit Keenan and his knucklepuck to the team. Bombay’s old mentor Hans…’s brother Jan (for real) shows up and also demands he rediscover his love in the only way anyone knows how: blading it out at the beach in hot pants. He blades so hard that he’s late for the game. He arrives in the third to a tie game with Germany and helps inspire the Ducks to a win. With the help of Keenan in the following game against Russia, the Ducks win again. In the final it’s a close and tough game against Iceland until they find the Ducks inside of us all and quack their way to a tie. They go to a shootout where Bombay replaces Goldberg with Julie (the Cat) for the final shooter and she saves the day (literally). THE END (or is it? (no, duh… but also they have to sing We Are the Champions obviously)).

This is the hardest of the films to judge. It is ludicrous. But it also cranking nostalgia at levels not seen since Rufio. Everything in the film hits. The new player, gimmicks, Rodeo Drive, opposing teams, everything. You can almost tell in real time them realizing that Bombay kind of sucks and they need to go more for the players doing pranks and stuff. More crazy gimmicks on and off the ice! By the time you get to the end of the film there may as well be a dog playing. The rulebook has been thrown so far out the window that it rocketed into outer space. As for the whole idea of branding: still here. Knowing that the Ducks made for big headlines by breaking the Hawk’s streak, Hendrix Hockey brought them in hoping for another miracle with the kids wearing his equipment. Once again I feel like they set this up and then just decide it’s not worth following through on. Hendrix clearly should have been a bad guy. Just wants the miracle for his shitty equipment. They should have said “no way” and played in Hans/Jan’s equipment. Instead he just affably stands by while they make his dreams come true. Weird. Overall. A++ for nostalgia. Somehow the worst actual film of the franchise (but, shhh, I don’t care).

Hot Take Clam Bake! I don’t think Bombay and the Icelandic trainer are going to make it. First of all I don’t even know her name… I guess her name is Maria… which is also the name of the actress. They probably had [Insert name here] in the script. It’s like when an athlete adds “Sr.” to their jersey. Never a good sign. Second of all, she’s hot stuff and what? Bombay’s going to go to Iceland? No way. He’s gotta take that sweet job with the Goodwill Games (see: D3: The Mighty Ducks). Finally, I can officially say it: Coach Bombay kinda sucks. He keeps getting roped in by the sweet green and having to reignite his passion for the game by skating/blading his little heart out. Everyone needs to move on from this dude. Only person more overrated in the series is Goldberg. Hot Take Temperature: Iceland.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *Gif of me being a pretty sweet skater, but then an eeeeevil Icelandic hockey player slashes me in the knee, cripples me, and laughs in my face. “Well worth it” he says.* Let’s go!

The Good? Alright, this was a stalwart of young Sklog life, and I think illustrates an important factor in children’s entertainment. Specifically, when you are a child the second Mighty Ducks is the best one. It has the coolest uniforms, they get to pick and choose the best characters and replace the bad ones with more interesting ones, and you are seeing neat places like Los Angeles and playing on the biggest stage. When you are an adult the second film is either extraordinarily silly or abominable depending on how much you like the first one. I enjoy the silliness of the second one, even if some of the choices are weird.

The Bad? Let’s just go through some of those weird choices. They didn’t get Hans back and instead of recasting they get his previously unmentioned brother who then disappears for the third film, odd choice. They seem to seriously suggest Bombay was going to make the NHL at like a 32 year old rookie. Not impossible, it just feels rather unlikely. Also he goes from not playing hockey for about 20 years to borderline professional within a year. The endurance itself would take longer. He was a lawyer (and borderline alcoholic) for like 10 years! I personally doubt his back was going to hold up let alone any of the rest of his body. They then proceed to make him a sell out trash person (in line with his original character I suppose, not so much with Reformed Bombay) when the eeeeevil Team USA corporate overlord was right there ready to destroy the spirit of the team. Obviously Cat should have always been starting over Goldberg, a person who can barely skate and seems to be an objectively terrible goalkeeper. And finally Iceland has approximately 300 thousand people, just about the same number of people as Madison, Wisconsin. My understanding is that until recently they didn’t even really have any ice rinks on the island and only started to gear up their youth hockey program 20 years after this film came out. Why they chose Iceland and not something like Canada or even maybe Sweden as a (more friendly) rival is beyond me.

Again this film is very very very silly. The fact that they basically just ignore all of the lore from this film (outside of that kid they picked up off the street in L.A. moving to Minnesota to attend a private high school there) is incredible.

The actual good of the film I guess is that a good number of the characters they invented for the second film move forward to the third, which is probably a sign that they were doing something right.

The BMT? I think so. Of the three films this is the one that teeters right on the edge of so bad it’s good. It is so weird and silly that, personally, I can’t help but have fun with it.

Again, I think Goldberg is a Planchet (Who?), just getting dunked on all day. I’m inventing a new category, The Sklog Daily Lexicon (What?) for the word Knucklepuck entering firmly into everyday use in the world of the late-90s Sklogs. Definitely Setting as a Character (Where?) for saying fuck it and moving the production to the much more convenient Los Angeles. I do like the Wait This was Real (Why?) for the use of the Goodwill Games as the reason behind the entire movie taking place. The movie is very very BMT in my opinion, I probably watched it a dozen times on cable in the late-90s / early 00s.

Learn all about the real Goodwill Games I would think, in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Mighty Ducks Recap

Jamie

I can’t even imagine how big of a sensation The Mighty Ducks was. Mostly because, while the film was obviously a huge part of my cinematic life, it came out at a time where the memory of its actual release is hazy. Almost like The Mighty Ducks was always. And think about this, the film was such a sensation that there is still a major pro sports team named the Ducks. That’s Jurassic Park status. Anyway, it’s hard to parse these types of films from nostalgia. It’s why we avoided things like this (and Hackers) for a substantial chunk of BMT. How can we have anything from love and affection for The Mighty Ducks? And yet at a certain point it became undeniable that these films must be given the BMT treatment. For the sake of history. And so here they are, destined to win a Freddy Got Fingered award.

To recap, Gordon Bombay is a high powered lawyer. Sure he has a past life as a hockey-loving phenom with a dad who just wanted him to love the game with all his heart. But when that dad died, so did that love of fun. Replaced with a love of that sweet green, a need for speed and a taste for a couple of road sodas. Uh oh! Those road sodas come back and bite him when he’s pulled over and (given his general ‘tude in the courtroom) sentenced to *gulp* coach Peewee hockey! Mr. Ducksworth, this has to be a joke. That’s how he finds himself coaching the ragtaggingest ragtag group of nogoodniks this side of the Twin Cities. Things start out rough, but Gordon’s old friend, Hans, reminds him to recall the fun in hockey and he gains the trust of the team. Amongst this group is Spazway (a.k.a. Charlie Conway) who Gordon sees something in and takes under his wing. What’s that? He also has a smoking hot single mom? Oh my, Gordon hadn’t noticed, but now that you mention it… Anyway, this group is jokesters who don’t even really know how to skate, so Gordon goes out and finds even ragtaggier kids to join the team and help out. Things start coming together, so Gordon uses his lawyer skillz to find out the star player from the eeeevil Hawks, Banks, should be on his team. Blinded by his need to get one over on the Hawks’ eeeevil Coach Riley, Gordon inadvertently insults his entire team and they quit. Faced with this and the possibility of losing his job over the Banks fiasco he realizes that he doesn’t want to be a lawyer anyway. Suddenly the team is back in and they are marching to the championship. In the big game the Ducks are overmatched but play to a draw and Charlie gets a penalty shot to win it (Spazway!). Using Gordon’s patented Triple Deke, Charlie wins the game. THE END (or is it? (Nevveeerrrrrrr!)).

Is this film good? I’d like to frame this from the vantage point of Franchise Man. The Big FM would want you to understand the crux of The Mighty Ducks: marketing. Every movie is in some way about the Ducks being exploited by larger forces but ultimately coming through because of the exact opposite of marketing: genuine fun. Gordon Bombay has to forget what got him into this in the first place. He was in trouble and to get out of trouble he would coach the team. The team sucked, so to help them not suck he got his law firm to sponsor them. Ultimately, in all three movies(!), the film itself chooses fun rather than acknowledging it. They could have had Ducksworth come up and apologize, but no. Forget all that. All in all, though, the film is really weird. It’s like 85% saddo Gordon Bombay. I did appreciate the accuracy of the sports scenes in the end. Only the climactic goal is sorta fudged. They imply Bombay could choose anyone to take the penalty shot and have him explicitly choose Spazway. That doesn’t make sense with the rules. Overall, pretty middling, but an A+ for nostalgia.

Hot Take Clam Bake! You know, I don’t think Bombay and Charlie’s mom are going to make it. First of all he’s about to venture forth on a quest for the NHL as a thirty-something year old 5’7” rookie who (allegedly) quit playing after Peewee hockey. I’m thinking he won’t have much time to be there for a single mom working as a waitress to provide for her son. Second of all, she’s cute and the single guys of the Twin Cities are probably ready to pounce while he’s off toiling away on the Kalamazoo Wings. Third of all they totally whiff on Charlie’s last name in the credits of the film (Conroy? Come on)… so I don’t think they’re putting much stock in the character. Hot Take Temperature: 10,000 Frozen Lakes.

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *Gif of me totally beefing it on the hockey rink, but then a second gif where Coach Bombay teaches me soft hands, but then a third gif where he starts dating my mom, but then a fourth gif where maybe I’m happy he’s dating my mom because then Coach Bombay would be my dad maybe? But then a fifth gif where he stops dating my mom and we never mention it again* Let’s go!

The Good? This movie. That’s the entire review I think we’ve said enough here. But for real, the strength of the original Mighty Ducks is that it is that thing that existed since the Bad News Bears (I think) where it is an ensemble kids’ film. Disney is just doing Disney things and snatching up bonafide kids superstars (Danny Tamberelli anyone?) and hanging an entire franchise on someone I would say is probably a Kid Actor Hall of Fame candidate in Joshua Jackson.

Speaking of which, since there isn’t much else to talk about with this film in terms of BMTness or badness, there was a question on Reddit where someone asked why kid actors on television often turn into abominable teen actors. I think the answer is fairly obvious: When you are a kid actor they often play to your strength early in a series. Namely precocious quips and one liners. Once you get to later seasons of a show and you start getting paid more (presumably), you are expected to handle dramatic scenes yourself. The kids who are the actual stars of their shows (Blossum, Corey from Boy Meets World, etc.) are often fine because they were cast to hold their own in these heavier scenes. But the actors who start as just window dressing to the main star of a show (e.g. the three kids on Home Improvement), they can get a bit dicey as time goes on. Now why am I mentioning this here? Because Joshua Jackson did get a bit dicey as a teen, but he was still good enough to transition to a elder teen on Dawson’s Creek, and has had a pretty impressive television career since. That’s what these movies need, and the entire kid cast is pretty great in the original.

The Bad? Nothing? Naw, sure. The actual thing is that they really get wild with some of the stats. At one point they suggest Bombay scored like 200 goals in a youth hockey season … Do they know how many games they play in youth hockey? I don’t think it is like 80. Somehow I think they are suggesting Bombay was scoring like 10 goals a game. Somewhat unrealistic.

The BMT? Naw, it is actually pretty offensive this even qualifies. This movie is a genuine banger. Great movie. Would watch it again right now.

I think we maybe have a Planchet (Who?) here in either Lester Averman (although people aren’t really dunking on him, more like just laughing at him, he’s true comic relief) or Goldberg. A great Setting as a Character (Where?) for Saint Paul, MN (at least in part, the place Charlie’s mother works is definitely in Saint Paul). I’m making up a new category for Slo-Motion Childhood Tragedy (Why?) for Bombay missing a penalty shot in the finals of the Twin Cities Youth Hockey Championship, his dad dying, and him quitting hockey all in the same year. ROUGH. This movie is Good, get the fuck out of here.

Learn all about NHL teams probably in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

D3: The Mighty Ducks Quiz

Where does the word “varsity” come from? You better believe it is a shortening of the word “university”! I … actually find that fascinating. Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) At one point resident Cowboy Robertson sports a Lone Ranger costume to chase down and hog tie varsity athlete Cole. What was the name of the Lone Ranger’s horse and companion?

2) The only notable soundtrack addition is Barenaked Ladies with Grade 9 which peaked at 53 on the Canadian charts. They did have one number one single in the US. What is it?

3) Coach Orion, got to love him. The constellation Orion though? Do you love it? What is the most famous star in Orion?

4) Joshua Jackson is mostly known as a television star, particularly as a main cast member of Dawson’s Creek. He also appeared in 5 seasons of what Fox Science Fiction series often compared to the X-Files?

5) Here’s a final deepcut for you: Where was Goldberg’s family from again?

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Premiered on The Disney Channel on September 29, 1997, up against:

This might be impossible, but bear with me … what is this film?

Answers

D2: The Mighty Ducks Quiz

When did the Mighty Ducks win the Stanley Cup? 2006? Was Charlie Conway on the team? Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) The Goodwill Games was a real thing that ran from 1986 to 2001. It was created by what media mogul who pioneered the superstation concept and 24-hour news?

2) Amazing. You can see the VHS for this movie on the bedstand of the character Joey in the season 7 episode of Seinfeld The Wait Out. That character is played by Todd Bosley who you definitely recognize from Little Giants which starred what two actors as opposing coaches?

3) Julie “The Cat” Gaffney is from Bangor, Maine which features a 31 foot statue of which Canadian lumberjack folk hero?

4) Two important Mighty Ducks signature moves are introduced in the film. The first is a team effort. And the second is a move exclusive to late addition Russ Tyler (played by Keenan Thompson). Name both.

5) The movie of course ends with Queen’s We Are the Champions, which amazingly peaked at only number 4 on the US Charts. Queen would only have two US Chart toppers. Name either.

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: Just in time for Christmas, on December 3, 1995, D2 went up against:

What is this movie with a very long title?

Answers

The Mighty Ducks Quiz

Who won the Stanley Cup in 1999? The Dallas Stars? I am unfamiliar with such a team, although I do know the Minnesota North Stars. Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Let’s start with an Emilio question. He comes from a somewhat legendary acting family. He (and his uncle Joe) kept their real names, whereas his father (Martin Sheen) and brother (Charlie Sheen) took on stage names. What is Martin Sheen’s birthname?

2) Come on a journey with me. There was an animated series followup involving humanoid ducks playing hockey and fighting evil (for real). The main character in that was Duke L’Orange, a play off the dish duck a l’orange which involves what kind of sauce?

3) You know this film had a bumping soundtrack. Who sang Good Vibrations?

4) Apparently the film was nominated for AFI’s 100 Cheers special list. So I guess it just got beat out by what 1982 Best Picture winner? Also a sports film it told a real life story about British athletes.

5) Might as well keep it going: What did the aforementioned 1982 movie beat out for Best Picture that year?

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: The Mighty Ducks pretty much only played on Disney. On March 5, 1994 it went up against this equally good film:

What is this film?

Answers