Oh hi, there. It’s me, Franchise Man. You may remember me best from when I demanded that they make another Mummy movie starring Tom Cruise. I’m here to tell you about something very important to me. In an age where franchise technology has innovated to create all manner of franchise extension I believe we’ve lost sight of franchise’s greatest weapon: the remake. Why must we constrain ourselves with previously created lore? Why must we always consider the fans of the franchise and how they feel? What about how I feel? I feel like creating something almost exactly the same as the original… is that so wrong? And maybe I’ll add some jump scares… or something… I don’t know. All I know is that I should be able to look to the past and then produce a ghostly specter of the film that people loved. Something so ghastly that it will haunt the fans for decades to come. Is that not horrific? Is that not terrifying? Am I not Franchise Man?
To recap, Eric and Amy (and their three kids, Madison, Griffin, and Kendra) are moving on down. Eric has lost his job and is holding out for something perfect. Meanwhile he’s battling the scariest thing of all… credit card debt. Aaahhhhhhhhh. Why are you spending all that money, Eric? Time to tighten that belt! You have three kids rapidly approaching college age! Spoooookkkyyyy. When they move into the new house they find it spooktakular. This is put into stark relief when the parents go out to a dinner party and come home to find the two older children actively being attacked by their greatest fears (old people and trees, I guess) and the youngest, Madison, sucked into some poltergeist realm. Turns out she’s got the Shine (but not really, we don’t want to get sued). The family begins to fall apart and they look anywhere for help. This includes a professor of the paranormal and a host of a paranormal TV show. These jokesters come in and start doing all their stuff. They pretty quickly realize that they are in fact afraid of these ghosts and busting feels better in theory than in practice. They end up finding a path out of the poltergeist realm, but how are they going to help Madison find the path? Oh I know! A drone! But what if that drone crashes. Oh I know! Griffin will overcome his fears and go after Madison himself. He is able to rescue Madison and then it’s a mad scramble to get out of the house before it is sucked into Poltergeist World. Ultimately the TV host sacrifices himself to help them escape… or maybe not. It’s hard to tell. THE END.
I started this film and I was ready to be like “a bold take on Poltergeist, I like it! Franchise Man!” But I was quickly disabused of that notion. Sure we get a little taste of what they were going for. The family is all afraid. The dad is afraid he won’t be able to provide. The mom that she isn’t a good enough writer. The son of… everything. The oldest daughter is addicted to her phone (afraid of the world?). As a result the youngest daughter is left alone. So alone that her only solace is the spirit world that she can communicate with. Great start, guys. From there it is chaos only a Franchise Man could love. The ending it so bad that it’s probably only saved from being on some “worst endings of all time” lists because no one saw this movie or remembers it exists. Sigh. I wanted to like you Poltergeist.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Um… you ever think that maybe it’s the family that’s in Poltergeist World and the daughter is in the real world. Wooooaaahhhh. Credit card debt up the wazoo. No job prospects. Squirrels in the attic. Uh… clowns… also in the attic. I mean, sounds like the whole family is dealing with a horrorshow, doesn’t it? Maybe the real world looks like a ghost realm of terror to those living through the real terror of this family’s life. Have I hooked you yet? Good, then buckle up for my new movie I’m directing: Credit Card Debt: The Movie. Rated NC-17. Hot Take Temperature: Jared Harris.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Poltergeist … again?! Let’s go!
I don’t really begrudge an attempt to redo a movie. They are redoing The Running Man soon. I just watched the first Running Man. It was kind of fun … kind of weird too and not at all like the book, so there is room for some improvement. Want to try and reboot Nightmare on Elm Street? Hey why not? Could be a lot of stuff to mine out of “an evil guy is so evil he can kill you in your dreams” idea without having to deal with the truly demented amount of lore.
Poltergeist was a really fun and interesting movie with some pretty cool 80s horror moments. But nothing so great that it can’t be tried again, and the sequels are really terrible and so being able to extend stuff works and could be fun!
This movie is pointless though. It didn’t try and take any of the cool stuff from the original, the actors top to bottom are less fun than in the original, and the idea is even lamer couched in nonsensical connections to the 2008 financial crisis (kind of).
Cool stuff from the original: the suggestion that really the ghosts just needed a way to go home. Some of the practical effects, and the psychic.
Stuff that is much lamer in the reboot: the suggestions that the ghosts are just like evil and want to steal the young girl for some reason, the much lamer practical effects, and the much lamer psychic who is now a History Channel hack I guess.
The movie is also not scary, and it doesn’t do a good job playing to its strength (which is punching way above its weight in getting Rockwell).
I guess where does this rank on the Poltergeist rankings? I think third. The third film is really dire and is actually just messily made. This is at least kind of harmless. The first and second are both much better though even though the second has its own problems (making everyone unlikeable and suffering from a severe case of over-explainitis).
Great Product Placement (What?) for Apple where a huge part of the film is Sam Rockwell buying a new sweet iPhone for his daughter. A pretty nice Setting as a Character (Where?) for Illinois, which is just all over license plates and stuff. And naturally a Worst Twist (How?) for reupping the same twist at the end of the original which was much better in that one as well. I think this is Bad, it is just not an interesting or inventive reboot, it’s lazy.
Read about my new rebooted sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,
Oh man, turns out I have some spooky ghosts in my house … again. I feel like I remember this happening before. Huh … this seems really familiar. Do you remember what happened in Poltergeist (2015)?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Can you call that product placement? Well, regardless where did Sam Rockwell work prior to getting laid off which resulted in a very awkward exchange with their realtor?
2) What is Sam Rockwell trying to buy when all of his credit cards are declined?
3) While away at a dinner party the house be all haunted. What happens to each of the three kids?
4) So what’s the plan then. How are they going to get Maddie back?
5) So … why is the house haunted?
Bonus Question: My house has been pretty spooky recently so I haven’t slept in twenty six nights. I’m a tad bit howyousay … insane? I startle when my home phone rings. Who is it?
“That was amazing,” Jamie says and then turns to everyone else. “Wasn’t that am…” he stops, looking bewildered. Apparently while he was listening to Sam’s story they were let out of jail. He looks up at a banner hanging above him that reads “The Men in Black Take London: Fashion Made Simply Complicated.” Next to that nonsense is a picture of Kyle, Jamie and Patrick posed like Charlie’s Angels in tuxedos. “What thuuuuu,” Jamie says dumbly. “Finally, the prodigal son has returned,” Patrick says from behind him. Jamie swings around to find Kyle and Patrick smirking at him. How dare they smirk like a couple Sir Smirks-a-lots at him! Outrageous! “And by prodigal son I mean your brain since you’ve been listening blankly to Sam recite that (I have to admit, quite good) book for the last 48 hours.” Sam blushes at the compliment given by one of their generation’s great American writers. “Meanwhile, Kyle here has been putting in the work,” Patrick says, patting Kyle on the back. It’s time for him to blush. “The Fashion Police weren’t such bad guys and with the help of Rachel they all agreed that it was all a misunderstanding.” Patrick elbows him in the ribs. Kyle continues, “And maybe the Fashion Police invited me to be part of their softball team and then maybe I mentioned my idea for a tuxedo that was not just hard to put on, but almost impossible.” Patrick butts in, “It’s a tuxedo that’s like an escape room, except you’re trying to escape into the tuxedo!” Patrick’s eyes are shining maniacally. “Ahem, anyway,” Patrick says, “our work here is about done.” Then gathering himself and pulling Jamie aside. “ But your work is just beginning,” he says softly, “How do you feel about ghosts?” That’s right! Busting makes us feel good, and by that I mean we like to bust up franchises that we haven’t quite finished for BMT. In this case we fairly recently watched Poltergeist II (crazy ending) and Poltergeist III (Ammmaaaazzziinnnggg) and that completed the original trilogy. But we still had one disastrous remake left. Poltergeist (2015). Let’s go!
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 3.6%; Notability: top 12.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 25.8%; Higher BMeT: Fifty Shades of Grey, Fantastic Four, The Human Centipede III (Final Sequence), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, The Gallows, The Boy Next Door, Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension, Knock Knock, The Ridiculous 6; Higher Notability: Entourage, Jupiter Ascending, Pixels, Pan, Terminator Genisys, The Divergent Series: Insurgent, Point Break, Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip, Fantastic Four, Blackhat, Mortdecai, The Last Witch Hunter, Child 44, The Wedding Ringer, Fifty Shades of Grey, Unfinished Business, Little Boy, Daddy’s Home, The Ridiculous 6, Victor Frankenstein, and 10 more; Lower RT: The Ridiculous 6, Freaks of Nature, Home Sweet Hell, Extraction, Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, Rock the Kasbah, Survivor, Hot Pursuit, Hitman: Agent 47, Fantastic Four, Pay the Ghost, Unfinished Business, Point Break, Mortdecai, The Boy Next Door, Area 51, Hot Tub Time Machine 2, Return to Sender, Sinister 2, Regression, and 43 more; Notes: Out of the Higher BMeT we’ve seen all but three. And oh man … you remember Unfinished Business? My god. It was like the Waiting For Forever of its era. Remember Waiting For Forever?
RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – Rarely has a remake felt more contractually obligated than the 2015 version of “Poltergeist.” There are a few decent performances, a nice riff on the technology fears that drove the original movie, and a centerpiece of horror that works, but never once do you get the feeling that the people behind this remake are here because of artistic passion or creative drive. They’re here because, well, somebody had to be here, so why not them? With remakes of “Nightmare on Elm Street,” “Friday the 13th,” “Evil Dead,” and more already on the books, “Poltergeist” is even arguably a bit late to the party. And they didn’t bring a gift.
(Sounds correct. What a wild time the early 2010s were with horror. I feel like we are in the same place today. They are trying to kick start big budget mainstream horror and something is tripping them up. Probably that real horror-heads expect things that are more extreme than what the mainstream is willing to handle. So you end up with Scream 6 or M3GAN as the big hits (i.e. borderline horror-comedy).)
(“We can’t call the cops, what are we going to tell them?” Uh, that your daughter is missing? Good to see Jared Harris though.)
Directors – Gil Kenan – ( Known For: Monster House; City of Ember; A Boy Called Christmas; Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire; BMT: Poltergeist; Notes: Holy shit, the director of Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire … that makes a lot of sense. Nominated for an Oscar for Monster House.)
Writers – David Lindsay-Abaire – ( Known For: Oz the Great and Powerful; Rise of the Guardians; Robots; Rabbit Hole; The Family Fang; Future BMT: Inkheart; BMT: Poltergeist; Notes: Frankly, the fact that they seemed to have gotten kids’ film writers and directors for this film is probably all you need to know about it. Apparently did a pass on Kung Fu Panda 4.)
Steven Spielberg – ( Known For: A.I. Artificial Intelligence; The Goonies; Close Encounters of the Third Kind; Poltergeist; What Lies Beneath; The Fabelmans; The Sugarland Express; Ace Eli and Rodger of the Skies; BMT: Poltergeist; Notes: The rest are just the people who wrote the original including Spielberg himself. At one point he was running all of WB’s cartoon division back in the day, trying to resurrect Looney Tunes and creating Roger Rabbit.)
Michael Grais and Mark Victor – ( Known For: Poltergeist; Death Hunt; Future BMT: Marked for Death; BMT: Poltergeist; Poltergeist II: The Other Side; Cool World; Notes: Cool World! They got credits on the video game which I now feel like I should play.)
Actors – Sam Rockwell – ( Known For: The Green Mile; Iron Man 2; Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri; Jojo Rabbit; Moon; Seven Psychopaths; Cowboys & Aliens; The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy; Charlie’s Angels; The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford; Galaxy Quest; Vice; The Way Way Back; Matchstick Men; Frost/Nixon; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Richard Jewell; Confessions of a Dangerous Mind; Everybody’s Fine; See How They Run; Future BMT: The Sitter; G-Force; Strictly Business; BMT: Poltergeist; Argylle; Notes: Interesting career in that he really doesn’t seem like he is ever in bad films, and then we watch two in quick succession. Won an Oscar for Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. Nominated for another for Vice.)
Rosemarie DeWitt – ( Known For: La La Land; Cinderella Man; Rachel Getting Married; Kill the Messenger; The Company Men; Promised Land; The Professor; A Little Bit of Heaven; Your Sister’s Sister; Margaret; Sweet Virginia; Arizona; Digging for Fire; Nobody Walks; Afterschool; The Estate; Touchy Feely; Purple Violets; Tenure; The Great New Wonderful; Future BMT: The Watch; The Odd Life of Timothy Green; Men, Women & Children; BMT: Poltergeist; Notes: I don’t know why but she gives me heavy television energy, but really she’s only been in things like Unite States of Tara, but mostly does movies. It feels like she plays “mothers” a lot.)
Kennedi Clements – ( BMT: Poltergeist; Notes: She hasn’t been doing much, but probably is in school and junk.)
(Yeah, pretty bad. Always bad when the original makes a ton more than the remake 35 years later.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 29% (40/136): Paying competent homage without adding anything of real value to the original Poltergeist, this remake proves just as ephemeral (but half as haunting) as its titular spirit.
(Sounds correct. Although I might challenge the concept that it was competent.)
Reviewer Highlight: [A] professionally executed yet bloodless film … an act of homage that hews reverently to its source material while missing the essential spirit and vitality that once powered it. – Andrew Barker, Variety
(Yeah, well… they all can’t be winners. I don’t like how dim this is. Also it takes the least scary part of the first film and puts it front and center. That clown was always ridiculous. C-.)
Tagline(s) – They know what scares you. (C)
(Cool. ‘They’re back’ would have sufficed. This is accurate and short. That’s what I got.)
Keyword(s) – 2015-2023
Top 10: Avengers: Endgame (2019), Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Deadpool (2016), Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (2015), Parasite (2019), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), The Martian (2015), Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021), The Revenant (2015)
Future BMT: 85.5 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 79.4 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.0 Black Christmas (2019), 76.4 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.7 The Grudge (2019), 73.7 The Turning (2020), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.8 Norm of the North (2016), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.0 Max Steel (2016), 66.5 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.3 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 64.9 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 63.5 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.9 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.2 Like a Boss (2020), 61.1 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015), 59.5 Jem and the Holograms (2015)
BMT: Cats (2019), The Emoji Movie (2017), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Fantastic Four (2015), Holmes & Watson (2018), Fifty Shades of Black (2016), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Rings (2017), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Zoolander 2 (2016), The Gallows (2015), The Boy Next Door (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Poltergeist (2015), Fantasy Island (2020), The Exorcist: Believer (2023), Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Morbius (2022), After We Fell (2021), Moonfall (2022), Blacklight (2022), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Hot Pursuit (2015), The 5th Wave (2016), The Snowman (2017), Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021), …
Best Options (2015): 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 68.6 Poltergeist (2015), 63.5 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 61.1 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015), 59.5 Jem and the Holograms (2015), 58.0 The Lazarus Effect (2015), 57.8 The Transporter Refueled (2015), 56.0 Sinister 2 (2015), 53.2 Aloha (2015), 49.5 Blackhat (2015), 42.7 Pan (2015), 39.2 Rock the Kasbah (2015), 38.9 Masterminds (2015), 38.1 90 Minutes in Heaven (2015), 35.7 Love the Coopers (2015), 35.6 Victor Frankenstein (2015), 35.4 The Perfect Guy (2015), …
(Goddddddamn, Pan. We’ve seen Hot Tub Time Machine 2 actually … in theaters. Probably the worst decision we made at the time. Real dumb film and I don’t look forward to watching it again.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 18) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Sam Rockwell is No. 1 billed in Poltergeist and No. 2 billed in Argylle, which also stars Henry Cavill (No. 5 billed) who is in Justice League (No. 2 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (5 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 18. If we were to watch G-Force we can get the HoE Number down to 15.
Notes – Rosemarie DeWitt wanted to do the film, after she experienced the engaged and lively audience reaction at the premiere of The Conjuring (2013), which she attended because it featured her husband Ron Livingston.
(at around 1h 26 mins) The bumper sticker on the Bowen vehicle during the last scene of the film says: Hooper High School. This is a direct reference to Tobe Hooper, who directed the 1982 original version.
In a Q&A, Saxon Sharbino admitted that she had never seen the original Poltergeist (1982) until filming was complete on this production.
The original cut ran for 101 minutes with 7-8 minutes of footage missing from the theatrical cut. This footage was released as a director’s cut on the DVD and Blu-ray release.
Parapsychologist/Anomalist Christopher Chacon, one of the world’s foremost authorities on “poltergeists”, was utilized by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer/20th Century Fox studios as their official expert on the phenomenon to internationally publicize and promote the release of the movie.
You might be wondering why we are doing Men In Black: International. You might even be asking yourself “Did that movie actually come out? Wasn’t that just a spoof poster in 22 Jump Street?” It did come out and it wasn’t a spoof. It also fits right in on the vaguest of metathemes for the BMT theme year that we have embarked on. That is trying to clean up and collect as many franchises as we can. This is mostly horror franchises, but MIB certainly qualifies since we recently watched the borderline BMT of Men In Black II. Also, as unbelievable as this might sound, it actually is probably the best option available for the year 2019. It was a huge movie that was a huge failure. What else should we watch… Gemini Man? I think not.
To recap, the Men in Black are back, Jack! Kind of… but not really. As a girl, Molly had a close encounter with an alium and MIB and ever since has geared her life around getting recruited by MIB. Eventually she identifies the location of HQ and gets in the door. This is enough to earn her place. She is assigned to London, which is headed by High T and where superstar Agent H rules the roost (even though he appears to have lost his groove). While tagging along with H on a routine protection mission for a VIP, M finds herself attacked by amorphous twins that appear to originate from the Hive. Before the VIP is killed, he gives M a MacGuffin and says that no one can be trusted, including H. Back at HQ, H is demoted and other agents go off to find a connection between the twins and the Hive. M convinces H to join her in following a lead regarding the crystal. They travel to Morocco where hijinks ensue and a new friend, Pawny, is gained. Eventually they discover that the MacGuffin is a powerful weapon and Pawny steals it to give to H’s ex-GF, Riza. *Catches breath* They go to Riza’s compound to get the crystal back, but are caught and are only saved because the alium that M saw as a kid now works there (what a nice coincidence). They are then cornered by the twins, but are saved when High T swoops in. *Wipes brow* Everything seems to have been cleaned up, but H and M aren’t so sure. Eventually they begin to suspect High T himself and follow him to the Eiffel Tower. Turns out he was infected by the Hive the whole time. H, M, and Pawny join forces to kill him and save the day. THE END.
Jesus, that was actually far worse to recap than to watch. The movie itself isn’t the worst but it’s also not good. Clearly it was set up as a direct sequel to MIB 3 and was severely hampered by loss of the mainstay stars. Think about it. We have a superstar agent (that would be Will Smith, now spinning his wheels having lost his mojo). High T would be K, having finally ascended to the top of MIB. It would have produced a final ending to K’s storyline as it turns out that Smith has to sadly kill him to save the world. Everything would hit a little different and at the very least Will Smith would salvage some of the fun. I should also note that I had never seen MIB 3 until now and it was fun… the time travel didn’t make a lick of sense and I didn’t love the ending, but there is a lot of fun stuff in the middle and Brolin was great. In fact it would have been a fun twist for them to continue the series with him from the past (if Tommy Lee Jones wasn’t into it). Finally, the main event, After Everything. Hoooooooo doggy. This movie delivered… hard. Harden is learning to live and love again. We get a Portugal setting, some real gymnastics performed in pursuit of shoehorned sex scenes (Hardin dreams of having sex, remembers having sex, pretty much every way he could have sex without actually having sex… cause he’s meant for Tessa), and an amazing pronunciation of the word chocolate. Fortunately for Hardin, Tessa forgives him for writing about their personal life after he… writes about a different girl he had sex with. Airtight logic my man. I LOVE AFTER!
Hot Take Clam Bake! H knew about it the whole time. Come on sheeple. You are in the packers of Big H over here. You think superstar Agent H isn’t keyed in on his mentor being the Hive? He’s too busy partying and the Hive is letting him break all the rulez. So why stop the good times? Seems like the Hive is doing a decent job running MIB anyway. You ever think what the H in Agent H even stands for? That’s right, Agent Hive. He’s also the Hive, he knows High T is the Hive, and the Hive is actually doing just fine thank you very much. Hot Take Temperature: Laser Guns (or whatever they shoot).
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking pre-pandemic when you’d just make bad reboots when Will Smith turns you down? Let’s go!
I watched this film a little bit ago but like … what happened in it again? For real, this is a perfect example of what they shouldn’t have done with the franchise. Trying to spin it out into a vaguely funny action globetrotting spy franchise? No thanks. Give me the 21 Jump Street version everyday of the week instead.
It isn’t that the world building is any worse, it actually is a bit interesting. I do think there is a disconnect where it begs the question of “Wait … was there always an international organization backing the MIB? The New York Branch wasn’t the be all end all of the situation?” The answer I think must be no. They show that Europe was the center of a mass migration of aliens back during the World’s Fair. But that is dumb.
Is there a worse twist in the history of cinema than the only other famous person in this film being the bad guy? The instant Neeson walks on screen you are like “bad guy, has to be.” And it is.
And is there a worse McGuffin than a weapon that can destroy worlds that you can slip in your pocket and everyone wants? It doesn’t do anything interesting and it doesn’t even have a fun name. Stupid.
And is there a worse way to introduce the hero of the film than to just have her sneak into MIBHQ and be like “lol I found you guys.”?
And is there a wilder and weirder coincidence than the mid-film climactic fight being resolved by this same hero having saved the life of the bad guy’s head bodyguard 20 years prior and thus being owed a blood debt. WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
You see, so many dumb things wrong with the film. But I suppose it could all be explained by this actually having been written as a fourth film for Will Smith and them having to scramble to rewrite it into a requel on the fly. But like … then don’t make it?
A Twin Film (Who?), hooray! They are always so rare. A real deal Product Placement (What?) for Lexus, which might as well be a main character of the film. We got a little globe trotting film, so no real setting. This is almost an excellent MacGuffin (Why?) for the solar weapon that is the main subject of the film, but it needs a name like the Solarplex or something. And a really really Worst Twist (How?) for the inevitable reveal that Liam Neeson was the bad guy all along.
Oooo baby, you best belieb we watched After Everything alongside Men in Black: International. Now which is the better franchise … you know it is After Everything! I’d watch those forever. But sadly, I do think this is the last in the After series. We’ll have to hunt around for our new Wattpad original. In this one the bad boy with a heart of gold has his life in ruins as his one true love won’t talk to him and he’s got a serious case of writer’s block (and alcoholism). In order to get his mind right he needs a sunny holiday in Portugal to make amends with another girl he also had a bet about who he ruined the life of. In the end he writes another book about how he was an even bigger douche than you thought and then jets off to give the worst best man speech in history and get his girl Tessa back. Then she isn’t infertile and they have kids. The End. This movie is obviously an A+ I would watch a thousand of them. I am so sad they are over, and I can’t believe they made five of them and we watched them all for BMT / BMT adjacent. Robert Frost once said …
Oh man, get this. I know aliums exist. That much is obvious. So I strolled into Men in Black Inc. and they nueralized me! I think. I don’t remember. I actually don’t remember anything. Do you know what happened in Men in Black: International?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Our hero is working at a call center but really she wants to be working at Men in Black. How does she know about them?
2) She’s now a probationary officer! Hooray. And she finagles her way into what seems like a pretty sweet mission. What is it?
3) Well obviously they are going to be terminated. Neuralized likely … unless … what about a mole hunt!? Everyone loves a mole hunt. Who is the mole?
4) I feel like we might have a serious unnamed MacGuffin here. What does the … thing that Jarvis gave M and why do people seem to want it?
5) What wild fucking coincidence. While out and about meeting with Agent H’s old flame (an arms dealer) who does Agent C meet from her past?
Bonus Question: I was just finishing up Men in Black: International when my new agent Isaac calls me up. What does he want?
Plain Jane is back, Jack! Her new boo, Brad, is away on a big ski vacay with the boys for Xmas break. Holiday blues, anyone? Brain blitz! How about a working vacation for a solo girl on the move? Off she jets to Peru to research her new book: Holly Ween’s Llama Drama. On her way there she has a startling thought: ‘New country, new you.’ With that she dons her Holly Ween disguise and soon she’s the toast of first class. You can take the girl out of the country, but you can’t take the Plain Jane out the girl, apparently, as the first thing she does getting off the airplane is crash right into Alejandro. No one told her that her llama wrangler was going to be so darn tootin’ hot. There’s no crime against flirting is there? After a hijinks-filled tour of Peru, they arrive at their destination, Alejandro’s llama farm. It’s Xmas and Holly Ween and Alejandro soon find themselves under some mistletoe. Just as they are about to share a chaste smooch, Alejandro pulls back. Did he finally see the Plain Jane inside of her? With a pained look he decides to reveal his three darkest secrets. The first is that he actually hates llamas ever since his mother was killed while researching them in the Peruvian jungle. The second is that this wasn’t a chance job assignment. He made a bet with his guy pals that he could make anyone his girlfriend before Xmas and she was the lucky loser. Before she can storm off in disgust he reveals his third secret. He’s in love with her. Oh dear! Plain Jane’s in trouble this time.
“Wow,” Jamie says. Holly Ween’s love story went international… but his is standing right in front of him. That’s right! We are going international with a little Men in Black: International. The last of the MIB saga (people call it that, right?), this one made the mistake of a) not bringing back Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones and b) being terrible. Adding to the mix is our Bring a Friend, which is also ending a significant cultural touchstone. That’s right! After Everything, the concluding chapter of the After series. There were some claims that this had some theatrical release but not according to any reputable news source. Good enough for us. I love After! Let’s go!
Men in Black: International (2019) – BMeTric: 47.8; Notability: 70
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 8.8%; Notability: top 0.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 6.1%; Higher BMeT: Cats, Black Christmas, The Grudge, Secret Obsession, Escape Plan: The Extractors, IO, Trauma Center, The Fanatic, Hellboy, After, The Curse of La Llorona, The Silence, The Poison Rose, Tall Girl, Rim of the World, The Hustle, Primal, Polaroid, Playing with Fire, Serenity, and 2 more; Higher Notability: Dark Phoenix, Maleficent: Mistress of Evil; Lower RT: Polaroid, The Coldest Game, The Poison Rose, The Hustle, The Fanatic, Hellboy, After, Polar, Cats, The Grudge, Trauma Center, Serenity, Jexi, Miss Bala, Dark Phoenix; Notes: Wow … I kind of forgot this film came out so recently. Only five years ago? And I also forgot the second Maleficent film qualified. That’s wild. We saw some weird films that year, Hellboy? After? Serenity? Weird.
RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – Most of what’s enjoyable about this sequel have been cribbed from other movies, like the star pairing from “Thor: Ragnarok,” the villains’ similarity to the Twins in “The Matrix Reloaded” and the many references to the original “Men in Black,” including the score and the basic character arcs of a rookie learning the ropes from a top agent. Without its stars’ chemistry, there’s little life left on this sequel planet besides surface-level jokes, too-cute aliens and a convoluted story.
(Makes sense for a spin-off especially in light of the third ultimately concluding the series in a reasonably satisfying manner. What’s left is to try and spin as far away from the series as one can … but then you have to ground it with the basic plot and soundscape and junk. Only way to do it.)
(Even our own agents … spoiler alert that isn’t the plot of this film. I mean, it is, but not in the way it is indicated with like a thousand agents all pointing guns at them. This trailer is soulless trash (in my opinion), hate the music.)
Directors – F. Gary Gray – ( Known For: The Italian Job; The Fate of the Furious; Straight Outta Compton; The Negotiator; Friday; Lift; Set It Off; Future BMT: Law Abiding Citizen; A Man Apart; BMT: Men in Black: International; Be Cool; Notes: He directed “Waterfalls” by TLC. So … like one of the best directors ever I suppose.)
Writers – Matt Holloway and Art Marcum – ( Known For: Iron Man; Future BMT: Uncharted; BMT: Transformers: The Last Knight; Men in Black: International; Punisher: War Zone; Notes: Oh snap, they are credited with Kraven the Hunter later this year. That could be exciting.)
Lowell Cunningham – ( Known For: Men in Black; Men in Black 3; BMT: Men in Black II; Men in Black: International; Notes: He’s the comic writer. I’m surprised the other writers of Men in Black didn’t get a credit.)
Actors – Chris Hemsworth – ( Known For: The Avengers; Avengers: Endgame; Avengers: Infinity War; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Thor; Thor: Ragnarok; Doctor Strange; Thor: The Dark World; Star Trek; Rush; The Cabin in the Woods; Thor: Love and Thunder; Snow White and the Huntsman; Extraction; Ghostbusters; Bad Times at the El Royale; In the Heart of the Sea; Extraction II; 12 Strong; A Perfect Getaway; Future BMT: Vacation; The Huntsman: Winter’s War; Blackhat; BMT: Men in Black: International; Red Dawn; Notes: Oh shoot, he’s Optimus Prime in the new animated Transformers film. That’s going to be dumb.)
Tessa Thompson – ( Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Thor: Ragnarok; Thor: Love and Thunder; Annihilation; Creed; Creed II; The Marvels; Selma; Creed III; Sorry to Bother You; Between Two Ferns: The Movie; Dear White People; Lady and the Tramp; War on Everyone; Passing; Make It Happen; Sylvie’s Love; Little Woods; The Human Contract; Furlough; Future BMT: When a Stranger Calls; For Colored Girls; BMT: Men in Black: International; Notes: Wait they are making a Creed IV? This series is nuts. Nominated for an Emmy as a producer of the TV Movie Sylvie’s Love.)
Kumail Nanjiani – ( Known For: Eternals; Central Intelligence; The Big Sick; The Five-Year Engagement; The Kings of Summer; Stuber; The Lego Ninjago Movie; The Lovebirds; Hello, My Name Is Doris; Migration; The Late Bloomer; Hell Baby; Bad Milo; Hell and Back; Money Shot: The Pornhub Story; Duck Butter; Addicted to Fresno; Brother Nature; A Happening of Monumental Proportions; Flock of Dudes; Future BMT: Life as We Know It; Sex Tape; Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates; Hot Tub Time Machine 2; BMT: Men in Black: International; Dolittle; Fist Fight; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for writing The Big Sick. He’s in four movies this year, and seems like he comes in and punches them up because he’s quite funny it turns out.)
(That actually isn’t bad. I wonder if they’ll make another attempt eventually. The brand is probably due to a restart. I wonder in the wake of The Slap whether Will Smith could be convinced to reprise in a passing the torch sequel.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 23% (74/320): Amiable yet forgettable, MiB International grinds its stars’ substantial chemistry through the gears of a franchise running low on reasons to continue.
(No! I don’t accept it. MIB3 shows just how easy it is to make random alien jokes work. The film is still fun and funny and feels like something that isn’t really made. That is a surprisingly low rating overall.)
Reviewer Highlight: Nearly everything here reminds you of something else, often better, cleverer, funnier. – Manohla Dargis, New York Times
(This smacks of them not really knowing what people want. You want the pug? You want the bug aliens? Spoiler Alert: those two things are barely in the film. Also this poster kind of hurts my eyes. The mixture of large white spaces and humans in general doesn’t work on posters. At least it looks like someone put some care into it though. C.)
Tagline(s) – The world’s not going to save itself (D+)
(This tagline is also not going to save itself. Is this supposed to be funny? Or is it merely meant to exist? I can’t tell.)
Keyword(s) – 2015-2023
Top 10: Avengers: Endgame (2019), Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Deadpool (2016), Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (2015), Parasite (2019), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), The Martian (2015), The Revenant (2015), Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)
Future BMT: 85.3 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 79.4 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.9 Black Christmas (2019), 76.3 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.7 The Grudge (2019), 73.7 The Turning (2020), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.6 Poltergeist (2015), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.0 Max Steel (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.3 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 64.8 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 63.5 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.8 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.2 Like a Boss (2020), 61.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015)
BMT: Cats (2019), The Emoji Movie (2017), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Fantastic Four (2015), Holmes & Watson (2018), Fifty Shades of Black (2016), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Rings (2017), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Zoolander 2 (2016), The Gallows (2015), The Boy Next Door (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Fantasy Island (2020), The Exorcist: Believer (2023), Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), After We Fell (2021), Moonfall (2022), Blacklight (2022), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Morbius (2022), Hot Pursuit (2015), The 5th Wave (2016), The Snowman (2017), Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021), …
Best Options (franchise): 79.4 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.9 Black Christmas (2019), 76.3 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.7 The Grudge (2019), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 66.3 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 62.8 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015), 59.8 Spiral (2021), 57.8 The Transporter Refueled (2015), 52.3 Boo 2! A Madea Halloween (2017), 50.7 Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016), 48.4 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 47.8 Men in Black: International (2019), 45.4 God’s Not Dead: A Light in Darkness (2018), 44.1 Allegiant (2016), 43.6 A Madea Family Funeral (2019), 43.4 Jigsaw (2017), 43.2 Underworld: Blood Wars (2016), 42.9 Ice Age: Collision Course (2016), 42.8 Insidious: The Last Key (2018), 42.2 Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023), 39.4 Pitch Perfect 3 (2017), 30.4 Vacation (2015), 27.8 The Divergent Series: Insurgent (2015), 27.6 Inferno (2016), 19.4 Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald (2018), 17.1 Venom (2018), 16.1 Pokémon the Movie: I Choose You! (2017)
(Kind of mid table, but it felt like an opportunity to finish off a franchise we just recently visited with the second film. I wonder when we are going to deal with God’s Not Dead.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Chris Hemsworth is No. 1 billed in Men in Black: International and No. 1 billed in Red Dawn, which also stars Josh Hutcherson (No. 3 billed) who is in Five Nights at Freddy’s (No. 1 billed) which also stars Matthew Lillard (No. 4 billed) who is in Wicker Park (No. 3 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) + (4 + 3) + (1 + 3) = 17. If we were to watch The Huntsman: Winter’s War we can get the HoE Number down to 14.
Notes – Frank the Pug (voiced by Tim Blaney) and the Worm Guys (voiced by Thom Fountain) are the only characters from Men in Black (1997) and Men in Black II (2002) to also physically appear in this one. Although they have a prominent place on the movie’s poster, these characters have less than a minute of screentime.
The MiB Agents have been wearing the same standard issue Hamilton Ventura watch since the beginning. The iconic Ventura watch was first released in 1957.
There is a secret apartment at the top of the Eiffel Tower where Gustave Eiffel entertained famous guests like Thomas Edison.
Tessa Thompson loves the character of Pawny and knew that Kumail Nanjiani would be perfect for the role. Although his character is all CGI, Nanjiani flew out to London so he could read with Thompson and Chris Hemsworth in person, making the character interactions feel more dynamic.
Sir Paul Smith, who helped design the suits for the MiB Agents in this movie, appears as the typewriter repairman at the secret entrance to London’s MiB Headquarters.
You better believe it’s time to finally put to rest the Halloween series and end its BMT reign of terror. Much like Michael Myers it is an unstoppable force of lore. Even when you think they are rebooting the franchise they can’t escape the lore that weighs heavy on their souls. That sums up the first of the reboot films, once again titled Halloween, which appears to serve a singular purpose: to tell everyone that Laurie Strode is in fact NOT Michael Myers’ sister. Literally every other dumb thing in the franchise? We love it and you also love it so that’s how we’ll make the movie. We shall construct the entire film of references. Is it Spring? Cause I’m finding all these easter eggs in my movie. Yummy yummy. But you better forget Laurie Strode being Michael Myers’ sister. That’s not an easter egg. That’s duuuuuummmbbbbbbbb. Sorry, I didn’t even like the first film in this reboot… and that got great reviews! I’m sure the second will be better.
To recap, Michael Myers is back, Jack! This time he’s surviving a big ol’ fire and starting back up on his rampage. Laurie Strode is in the hospital and everyone just wants her to get better (awww). So when they hear that Myers actually survived they want to keep it from her. But her granddaughter Allyson is like ‘F that fo sho,” and joins up with Tommy Doyle (just can’t stop, won’t stop bringing everything back) to hunt him down. Once Laurie wakes up she finds out about Michael and is all like “He’s definitely coming here because he targets me for some unknown reason even though I’m not even his sister cause that would be dumb.” Everyone gets all jazzed to the point when a different escaped asylum patient stumbles his way into the hospital they all chase him to his death. It’s hilarious (no, no really. It’s unintentionally hilarious). Oh right, I forgot, Michael is still killing people this whole time, but it’s random. Tommy, Allyson and the gang catch up with him. Guess what? He kills some of them. They then track him to his old house where he kills them some more. Eventually Laurie’s daughter Karen is able to lure him to his “death.” So that’s about that. Or is it? It’s not, come on. He wakes up and kills a bunch more people. THE END.
Oh nooooo! It wasn’t better at all. In fact it was way worse. The scene in the middle of the film where a different escaped mental patient is being chased by a mob and eventually jumps to his death is peak unintentional comedy. They could have played it during I Think You Should Leave and I wouldn’t have blinked. The first film had me thinking “we get it, Laurie Strode isn’t Michael’s sister. Give it a rest,” and it’s like the filmmakers heard me and said “Oh yeah, watch this.” The entire second act of the film seems to be made expressly to hammer home that Laurie isn’t special at all. That everyone assumed Myers had a reason for his kills, but he doesn’t. Great… so why did you spend so much time going on about how everyone thinks Michael and Laurie are connected? Why in this world would that even be a thing? It feels very Scream-ish… as if the whole series of films exist in this world and so everyone is trying to guess Michael’s next move based on their years of accumulated knowledge about him… but he’s just an old dude who escaped once before and killed some people. The meta-ness of it broke my brain and my spirit. I really did not like this movie. What have you done to my sweet, dear Halloween. Don’t you remember when you were young and full of hilarious lore? Why have you forsaken me?!!!!
Hot Take Clam Bake! You guessed it. Halloween.. You doth protest too much. Methinks Laurie Strode is in fact Michael Myers’ sister. Let’s look at the facts. First, you protested far too much. I didn’t even think she was his sister until you brought it up. Second, we don’t have any proof that he isn’t her sister. Have you seen a genetic test? Didn’t think so. So why are you doth protesting so much? Are you afraid of what the truth will reveal? Finally, have you thought about how funny it would be if in the third film they were suddenly like “you know what… fuck… she actually is his sister.” Just for that it’s got to be true. It’s just too good. Hot Take Temperature: A house aflame.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about people tricking fans into thinking Halloween was back Jack, when in reality it was just as out as it has ever been? Let’s go!
While watching the Rob Zombie Halloween I didn’t find that vision particularly compelling, but at least it was something. The second of his seemed to be intentionally provocative and a bit more annoying as he seemed to clearly not want to do a sequel.
But compared to this one? At least it had something to say. I guess a brief discussion of the first in the Green trilogy is warranted. That one positions itself as a direct sequel to the original (interesting) and explicitly throws out Laurie being Michael’s sister (excellent). After that though for the most part the film once again fails to have anything interesting to say. It tends to just reheat a bunch of leftovers from the now deprecated sequels (e.g. the gas station bathroom scene which is pretty much directly from the sixth I think). The only thing I would say is it ends on something of a high note as a coordinated effort by Laurie and her daughter manage to trick and trap Michael in a way that I found both surprising and delightful.
Now as for this one … it all turns to ashes in my mouth.
The movie is not scary, and seems to have too many characters moving all about Haddonfield with call backs to the original 70s film and the first Green film galore.
It then also has, bar none, perhaps the most embarrassing sequence in Halloween film history. This is for a franchise where the Cult of Thorn creates a zombie Michael Myers to yada yada yada something about Celtic lore and living forever maybe (or was that the third film …). The scene in the hospital where the mob is chasing the other mental patient who ultimately commits suicide … it is like a parody film. It is shot like shit, the music is shit, the idea is shit. If that bit wasn’t in the movie it is maybe passable, but right there the movie shows its hand a bit: when introducing novel elements to the franchise it flails about completely. It really can only reheat and reserve the elements we already know, and that is either inevitable for a franchise with 13 films now, or the unfortunate product of having Green as writer/director … his track record now suggests it might be the latter.
Anyways, the film was lame. So was Exorcist: Belieber. Why can’t people get these reboots even close to being right?
I did end up watching Halloween Ends. I have to say, at least it was somewhat inventive? I don’t really like what it was putting down. In a way, it is a bit like that Friday the 13th film where it turned out it was a copycat the whole time. It feels like a cheat to have a lot of the kills being done by not-Michael Myers. But I appreciate the interesting twist. It is an idea that skirts alongside the genetic connection with the niece in the original later sequels, but it is something I feel like the Halloween franchise needed to broach. It was okay.
Obviously an always great Settings as a Character (What?) for Haddonfield, Illinois. An A+ Holiday Film (When?) for Halloween of course. And a terrible no good Worst Twist (How?) for the dumb bit where people fuck around and find out that Michael Myers is an unstoppable killer and he kills everyone and gets away, dumb. I think this is a dumb Bad film, blah.
Oh, man so get this! I killed this guy (long story), but then he didn’t die, he instead totally survived the fire I set in my house. Lame. Well, he was peeved and later came and bopped me on the head. Now I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Halloween Kills?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) The movie opens with an alternative version of the Halloween ending, picking up where the first movie left off. How was Michael caught shortly after the initial murders in this version?
2) We are soon introduced to the Haddonfield Survivors Club. How many members are they and how do they know Michael from the first film?
3) Who lives in the old Myers house now?
4) Throughout the film they keep on mistaking someone else for Michael. Who?
5) Well, what a twist! He isn’t after Laurie at all. He just wants to go home (awwwww). All those years ago, what was he looking out of his sister’s bedroom window?
Bonus Question: I just finished up a draft of my Hellraiser reboot, Hellraiser Kills, when my new agent Greg calls me. What does he want?
Jane is just a plain ol’ girl living a plain ol’ life. Other than the fact that she’s the big time author of the tween rom com hit Holly Ween the Scream Queen. Oh, Holly is everything that she isn’t. Cool, calm, and beautiful. Sigh. One day she returns home to find her latest manuscript stolen and a note demanding that she hand over Holly in exchange for the book. But Holly isn’t real… is she? Only one way to find out. Returning home to the high school where she spent four mortifying years as Plain Jane Never-Been-Kissed she dons a Holly Ween disguise and reenters school as a 25-year-old senior who just got out of a 7 year coma. And wait… is she suddenly hot and cool? Must be just the disguise because she’ll never be anything but Plain Jane Never-Been-Kissed at heart… or will she? Cause in walks captain of the football team Brad who also just got out of a 7 year coma so is also 25-years-old. Just when he is about to ask her to the Homecoming Dance the book thieves take over the school demanding that Jane hand over Holly. Uh oh! She can’t have Brad finding out she’s actually Plain Jane! She’s got to think quickly! In a snap she gets the Homecoming committee to change the dance to a Halloween Costume Bash and dons a Plain Jane disguise. During the dance she is able to smooch Brad, convince the thieves that Holly is on her way, and set up a trap with the help of all her friends. Turns out that Holly was inside Jane the whole time and her new book Holly Ween Slays is a huge hit.
“Wow,” Jamie says, thinking that Holly Ween doesn’t just slay… Samantha does too. That’s right! We are watching the second (and only qualifying) entry in the new Halloween trilogy. Don’t be tricked by the title, though, as it seems from the reviews that this Halloween didn’t quite kill. Let’s go!
StreetCreditReport.com –BMeTric: top 8.4%; Notability: top 3.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 18.6%; Higher BMeT: Space Jam: A New Legacy, Home Sweet Home Alone, Cosmic Sin, Thunder Force, He’s All That, Deadly Illusions, Music, The Misfits, After We Fell, The Kissing Booth 3, Awake, Mother/Android, Apex, Spiral, Midnight in the Switchgrass, The Unholy, Tom & Jerry, Things Heard & Seen, Outside the Wire, Snake Eyes, and 1 more; Higher Notability: Space Jam: A New Legacy, Tom & Jerry, Chaos Walking, Music, Infinite, The Addams Family 2, Home Sweet Home Alone, Dear Evan Hansen; Lower RT: Cosmic Sin, Music, Midnight in the Switchgrass, After We Fell, Breaking News in Yuba County, Apex, Home Sweet Home Alone, Infinite, The Misfits, Intrusion, The Virtuoso, The Starling, Every Breath You Take, Deadly Illusions, Chaos Walking, Thunder Force, Awake, Sweet Girl, The Kissing Booth 3, Hypnotic, and 24 more; Notes: Wow, we really haven’t seen that many 2021 films, but I suppose that is because a lot of them are on streaming now. Remember Music … that’s a wild film.
RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – My feeling about David Gordon Green’s reboot of “Halloween” in 2018 was that the talented director fundamentally misunderstood what worked about the John Carpenter original, draining the project of actual tension, despite a few solid set pieces. Having seen his follow-up, “Halloween Kills,” I think I was right. This film muddies its entire concept with a bizarre, unrefined commentary on mob mentality that is quite simply some of the worst material in either Green’s career and the history of this rocky franchise (which is saying something if you’ve seen, say, “Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers”). It’s a shame too because, once again, there are set pieces that work—and the ones here are particularly brutal—but campy dialogue that calls attention to itself, too much fan service in the references department, sidelining Laurie Strode herself for most of the project, and truly inconsistent characters lead to a final result that definitely doesn’t kill. It barely even wounds.
(Wow … I actually agree. The first has a few interesting bits, but at the same time it mostly is a bunch of bits from the prior films strung together. The second is bad and has the single most embarrassing moment in the history of the franchise. Which, indeed, is saying something.)
(Immediately off to a bad start with the firefighter scene. I feel like if anything the first deftly replicated the less violent and more tense version that Rob Zombie abandoned. But not this one. Not at all.)
Directors – David Gordon Green – ( Known For: Pineapple Express; Halloween; Halloween Ends; Joe; Stronger; Prince Avalanche; Snow Angels; All the Real Girls; Undertow; George Washington; Manglehorn; Future BMT: Your Highness; The Sitter; Our Brand Is Crisis; BMT: Halloween Kills; The Exorcist: Believer; Notes: Now that he’s out for Exorcist: Deceiver I do wonder what he’ll be up to. Seems like maybe it is time for another smaller film … but something tells me he’s going to be roped into another big production where people mess with his film and it ends up sucking.)
Writers – John Carpenter – ( Known For: Halloween; Halloween; Escape from New York; They Live; The Fog; Assault on Precinct 13; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; Escape from L.A.; Halloween Ends; Assault on Precinct 13; Prince of Darkness; Dark Star; Eyes of Laura Mars; Black Moon Rising; BMT: Halloween; Halloween II; Halloween Kills; Ghosts of Mars; Halloween: Resurrection; Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers; Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers; The Fog; Notes: Ha, we’ve seen all his BMT films. Surprisingly few, given how many bad Halloween films there are.)
Debra Hill – ( Known For: Halloween; Halloween; The Fog; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; Escape from L.A.; Halloween Ends; BMT: Halloween; Halloween II; Halloween Kills; Halloween: Resurrection; Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers; Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers; The Fog; Notes: Worked with Carpenter for years, so naturally we also got her completely done for BMT as well.)
Scott Teems – ( Known For: The Quarry; That Evening Sun; Future BMT: Insidious: The Red Door; BMT: Halloween Kills; The Exorcist: Believer; Firestarter; Notes: Seems like just one of those guys brought in to write modern horror films.)
Danny McBride – ( Known For: Halloween; Halloween Ends; The Foot Fist Way; The Legacy of a Whitetail Deer Hunter; Future BMT: Your Highness; BMT: Halloween Kills; The Exorcist: Believer; Notes: Y’all know Danny McBride. Friends with Green, and they have written a bunch of modern horror now as well … to mixed effect.)
David Gordon Green – ( Known For: Halloween; Halloween Ends; Prince Avalanche; Snow Angels; All the Real Girls; Undertow; George Washington; Goat; BMT: Halloween Kills; The Exorcist: Believer; Notes: Yeah, at some point it seems like the horror films he writes and directs just lack soul.)
Actors – Jamie Lee Curtis – ( Known For: Knives Out; Everything Everywhere All at Once; Halloween; True Lies; Halloween; Trading Places; Escape from New York; A Fish Called Wanda; Freaky Friday; My Girl; The Fog; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; Halloween Ends; Veronica Mars; Forever Young; The Tailor of Panama; Beverly Hills Chihuahua; Fierce Creatures; Prom Night; Blue Steel; Future BMT: You Again; My Girl 2; Drowning Mona; House Arrest; BMT: Halloween II; Halloween Kills; Halloween III: Season of the Witch; Christmas with the Kranks; Halloween: Resurrection; Haunted Mansion; Virus; Perfect; Notes: That’s Oscar winner Jamie Lee Curtis to you. The daughter of Tony Curtis, she is in many ways the original Scream Queen.)
Judy Greer – ( Known For: Ant-Man; Jurassic World; Dawn of the Planet of the Apes; Ant-Man and the Wasp; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3; War for the Planet of the Apes; The Village; The Descendants; Love & Other Drugs; What Women Want; 13 Going on 30; Adaptation.; Tomorrowland; Three Kings; 27 Dresses; Halloween; Carrie; Halloween Ends; Jeff, Who Lives at Home; Where’d You Go, Bernadette; Future BMT: Entourage; Elizabethtown; Cursed; Love Happens; Men, Women & Children; Jawbreaker; American Dreamz; Playing with Fire; Kissing a Fool; BMT: Halloween Kills; The Wedding Planner; The 15:17 to Paris; Playing for Keeps; Marmaduke; Notes: I’ll always know her as Kitty from Arrested Development. Oh boy do I not want to watch the Entourage movie ever.)
Andi Matichak – ( Known For: Halloween; Halloween Ends; Naomi and Ely’s No Kiss List; Son; Assimilate; Miles; Foxhole; BMT: Halloween Kills; Notes: Yeah, doesn’t seem to have many other credits. Like she’s been in movies, but not much television and has nothing on the docket. Quite surprising. I thought she was fine in the whole trilogy.)
(That is obviously quite good. I can’t imagine they are hugely disappointed with the trilogy as a whole, so it makes sense that they gave Green The Exorcist … seems like that was a mistake though.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 39% (108/278): Halloween Kills should satisfy fans in search of brute slasher thrills, but in terms of advancing the franchise, it’s a bit less than the sum of its bloody parts.
(Soooooooo close, but it did make it. And well deserved. I can’t imagine this really satisfies any slasher fans, so I don’t get that point.)
Reviewer Highlight: An indolent, narratively impoverished mess that substitutes corpses for characters and slogans for dialogue. – Jeannette Catsoulis, New York Times
(I do like how tactile it is. But a bit boring otherwise. Still… it’s doing its job. You have to give it credit from that aspect. B-)
Tagline(s) – Three generations Strode strong (Ha!)
(Wait… that’s not real, right? That’s not on the poster so normally I would delete it but this is so funny that I’ll just leave it here.)
Keyword(s) – 2015-2023
Top 10: Joker (2019), Avengers: Endgame (2019), Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Deadpool (2016), Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (2015), Parasite (2019), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), The Martian (2015), The Revenant (2015)
Future BMT: 85.1 Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 79.3 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.9 Black Christmas (2019), 76.1 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.6 The Grudge (2020), 73.6 The Turning (2020), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 70.7 Snatched (2017), 68.7 Norm of the North (2016), 68.6 Poltergeist (2015), 68.3 Meet the Blacks (2016), 67.0 Max Steel (2016), 66.4 The Disappointments Room (2016), 66.3 God’s Not Dead 2 (2016), 64.7 Brahms: The Boy II (2020), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 63.4 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 62.8 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 61.2 Like a Boss (2020), 61.0 Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015)
BMT: The Emoji Movie (2017), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Fantastic Four (2015), Holmes & Watson (2018), Fifty Shades of Black (2016), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), Rings (2017), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Zoolander 2 (2016), The Gallows (2015), The Boy Next Door (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Fantasy Island (2020), The Exorcist: Believer (2023), Firestarter (2022), Expend4bles (2023), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), Moonfall (2022), After We Fell (2021), Blacklight (2022), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Morbius (2022), Hot Pursuit (2015), The 5th Wave (2016), Hellboy (2019), The Snowman (2017), Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021), …
Best Options (franchise): 79.3 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 78.9 Black Christmas (2019), 76.1 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 74.6 The Grudge (2020), 71.2 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015), 64.5 Blair Witch (2016), 59.8 Spiral (2021), 52.3 Boo 2! A Madea Halloween (2017), 50.7 Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016), 50.6 Halloween Kills (2021), 48.2 Insidious: The Red Door (2023), 43.4 Jigsaw (2017), 42.8 Insidious: The Last Key (2018)
(I refused to watch Jeepers Creepers III ever. Which leaves not many actual franchise horror films which worked. Was exciting to catch up on Halloween though.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jamie Lee Curtis is No. 1 billed in Halloween Kills and No. 2 billed in Christmas with the Kranks, which also stars Tim Allen (No. 1 billed) who is in Jungle 2 Jungle (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 9 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (9 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch Love Happens, and The Black Dahlia we can get the HoE Number down to 13.
Notes – Jamie Lee Curtis, Charles Cyphers, Kyle Richards, Nancy Stephens, and Nick Castle were all in the original Halloween (1978) and all returned for this sequel. The characters of Tommy Doyle and Lonnie Elam from the original also returned, but were recast with Anthony Michael Hall and Robert Longstreet, because Brian Andrews has retired from acting since 2015, and Brent Le Page never acted again after the original Halloween.
David Gordon Green recalled that when they attempted to find a yearbook photo of one of Michael Myers’ victims from the 1978 film, he came across a yearbook photo of Bob Odenkirk that he thought resembled original actor John Michael Graham. The rights issues were resolved so that Green could use Odenkirk’s photo instead of the actual actor. Odenkirk is therefore credited as ‘Bob,’ despite not physically appearing in it.
In the flashback scene to 1978, Michael attacks deputy McCabe (Jim Cummings) with a rope. In the original Halloween (1978), Sheriff Leigh Brackett (Charles Cyphers) responded to an alarm in a hardware store, and reported that a rope, some Halloween masks and a set of knives were stolen.
Twelve pumpkins are featured in the opening title sequence with the last one indicating Halloween Kills as the twelfth Halloween film.
Early in the movie, the wagon stolen by Michael Myers from Dr. Loomis and Nurse Marion Chambers at the Smith Grove Sanitarium in Halloween (1978) can be seen parked behind Young Hawkins and Pete McCabe during one of the flashback sequences to 1978.
Now here’s the main event. Everything about The Dark Tower saga was a disaster. We aren’t just talking about a Stephen King adaptation, which historically have been a boon for BMT. We aren’t just talking about a “long gestating project” where every filmmaker under the sun declared the property to be very important to them, wanting to make a multimedia empire of it, and then bailing once the gestation got even longer. We aren’t just talking about a bold reimagining of the property to the point where the filmmakers had to be like “no no no, you don’t understand. It’s not actually an adaptation of The Dark Tower… it’s just another entry in the series.” This is all three of those things. Once aiming to encompass the series in films, TV, Quibi shows (probably), etc. they instead dropped a 95 minute original Dark Tower story right in the laps of the fans of the series. That… didn’t go well.
To recap, Jake Chambers is a boy who dreams about all kinds of crazy things. He dreams of a man in black aiming to destroy the world using the minds of kids like himself. He dreams of a gunslinger who is one of the only ones that stands in his way. He dreams of alien creatures scouring the Earth for… him. This would all be OK if it wasn’t for the fact that they make everyone think he’s crazy. It’s also a little strange that while he’s dreaming these things there appears to be a real life connection to a series of earthquakes in NYC. When his mom and stepdad look to send him to a special school to take care of things he starts to suspect that his dreams are real and those that have arrived to take him away are in the service of the man in black. He makes a run for it and goes in search of a house he saw in his dreams. Once there he is sucked into another dimension… the world that he dreamed of. There he finds Roland, the gunslinger, and he is convinced to help Jake interpret his dreams about the man in black, who Roland knows as Walter. Meanwhile, Walter follows the path of Jake and kills his mother and stepdad after determining that Jake is powerful enough to single handedly achieve his goal: destroying the Dark Tower and consuming Earth. Jake and Roland find out that they have to go back to Earth to get to the Tower and while there Jake is captured by Walter. Before he is taken to the Tower he is able to alert Roland about how to follow and then keeps the portal open so that Walter and Roland have to fight. They do and Roland wins. He and Jake destroy the machine and head off on many adventures we are sure to see in the sequels. THE END.
I’m always a little ready to defend films like this. Just because something doesn’t stay true to the source material doesn’t mean it’s necessarily bad. Maybe by not reading the Dark Tower books it would put me in a position to be like “it’s more different than bad.” Ehhhhhh. They really did take a beloved book franchise by a master of fantasy, science fiction, and horror and turned it into a YA novel. It reads like Harry Potter or The Maze Runner or, god help us, Divergent. It honestly is a lot like what the Platonic Solids series would be (with fewer sexy swamp monsters and phantoms of the opera). Imagine for a second that they made the It film and instead of it being a horror film it was more like Stand By Me with McConaughey playing Pennywise who now isn’t a clown but more like a land developer looking to turn their pops’ soda pop shop into a parking lot… people might have a problem with that. Just to end on a positive note, I did like how short it was and also there was a scene where Idris Elba shoots someone from like a mile away that was cool. He gunslang real good. Otherwise, I already barely remember this movie and fully understand the reviews.
Hot Take Clam Bake! What if… Earth was actually the dreams. Whooooaaaaa. Maybe when Jake was dreaming he was actually awake and when we see Jake on Earth it’s actually the dream. Five seconds after the end of the film it actually ends with a close up on Roland’s eye and it opens. Then Roland’s wife is like “Honey, you OK. Another dream?” and he’s like “Yah… I dreamed about that kid Jake again… I gotta draw it out.” And he rolls out of bed and makes a sick charcoal drawing of Jake and hangs it up on his wall amongst all the other pictures of Jake. Then the movie starts in on a perfect, straight adaptation of The Gunslinger and fans. Go. Crazy. Hot Take Temperature: The Scorch.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about yet another Stephen King adaptation except this is for maybe the fourth (?) book in a long running franchise … someone check on Stephen King he might be doing too much cocaine again. Let’s go!
Whoops they accidentally made this a Young Adult novel adaptation.
Because I’ve read the first in the series before and it is a weird and wild western / sci-fi / fantasy oddity. The stuff in this movie I don’t think comes into play until Stephen King almost died in that car accident and then he started to connect all his books via the inbetween worlds from The Mist. I think the big mistake was jumping directly into the middle of the series. If anything, make a prequel movie which then ends with Roland wandering the desert in the first book.
Instead we jump right into a story about the Dark Tower protecting humanity, and the Man in Black, and some kid, etc. etc. etc.
The kid BTW appears to just have a British accent at times. No offense to him but there are zero kids in the US who could have played this part? Are we so lacking in acting talent that you couldn’t at least plug that hole before it broke open. The accent work is quite distracting.
I do somewhat appreciate the lore though, and I also appreciate that the film doesn’t feel the need to twist stuff around to give Roland a love interest or something else weird. It has that YA feel, but more in the vein of father-son bonding rather than high school drama. That is probably at least a decent option out of all the bad YA options available.
Yeah, just a weird start to what was clearly supposed to be the beginning of a franchise. I’m not sure if they were thinking of then jumping backwards, forging a new path forwards, or whether tying up all the loose ends was just a desperate ploy once they realized that this film was not going to be well received and the franchise was dead in the water.
A decent Product Placement (What?) for Coca-Cola in the middle of the film. A bizarre Setting as a Character (Where?) for New York City since I half-expected them to reveal the kid was actually from England since that is how he sounded a lot of the time. The MacGuffin (Why?) of the Dark Tower and The Man in Black and The Gunslinger is mighty close to being that perfect Cradle of Life nonsense I love to see, but doesn’t quite get there. I think the movie is Bad, mostly boring and too YA to be entertaining, just kind of sad.
Bad Movie Twins 